CAN'T TEACH THIS | Two Point Campus Song! 

I'M IN THIS GAME! Wishlist it on Steam now! If you'd like. I'm genuinely not being paid to say this, I'm just really excited. bit.ly/3IZivjg LYRICS: SPOKEN INTRO: A notice to all Musicality students, Professor Stupendium’s lecture on awkward white middle-class hip-hop and its use as a promotional tool will be starting in the lecture hall shortly Thank you! VERSE 1: Welcome, students, to Two Point U! This campus we’ve established to point you Down the path of academia and viewpoints new And there’s a chance that you will leave here as employed too We’re certain that the circumstance could use a little pomp With learning you can turn your hand, just choose skill you want The young mind needs a-moulding, and we do it with aplomb Though no one ever specified just what to mould it from... Every course, of course, has been meticulously planned Though standard Maths and Science is particularly bland So, pick from our curriculum of kitchens, crypts and bands You won’t find a diploma simply digging in the sand! SPOKEN INTERLUDE 1: What's that... Oh they will? Ah, Archaeology, right, yes, we do teach Archaeology… In that case, you might want to start digging for that diploma now, before it starts to compost Would the teacher’s pet please report to the nurse for microchipping and deworming Thank you! VERSE 2: We’re best in class for espionage, the course is sure to thrill you But if I told you where it is, of course I’d have to kill you Embark upon the darker arts if morbidness fulfils you Our dungeon’s rather wonderous with all authentic mildew There's jousting in the grounds, see them gleaming in their chivalry There's pizza in the kitchen, inconvenient for delivery Or come improve your subterfuge and scheming for the ministry And rest assured our Wizard School is big on inclusivity SPOKEN INTERLUDE 2: Ah, young Mr. Toasterpastry, come in. I’m afraid I’ve called you to my office to talk about how you’ve been conducting yourself in the Music Lab. You see, you’re supposed to use a baton. CHORUS 1: Here at Two Point Campus where our mind’s put to the test Our scores in class still can’t surpass our piling student debts SPOKEN INTERLUDE 3: Would a Mr Danger, on the Deep Undercover Spy course, please be aware that your mother is at the office with your packed lunch. This tannoy will now self-destruct. VERSE 3: Greer? Here Pleasant? Present Glendenning? Attending Samson? Absent Hardy? Tardy Tate? Late Glover? Undercover Drake? Baked Connors? Slightly fossilised Sorry, I apologise Ustinov? Goofing off! And Robinson’s robotified Have we got a Gideon? Just pondering oblivion… Hurst? I’m just a little cursed But William’s amphibian Hamman and Slattery? Ran out of battery Cormack? On horseback And galloping gallantly Pickering? Pickling Coombes? Entombed Hirshall? He’s virtually Trapped in normality Higgins? Digging Emily? Napping Winkler? Tinkering Gregory? Rapping Owens and Cleese? Throwing some cheese Duncan flunked And that only leaves… SPOKEN INTERLUDE 4: Llewellin Mayhew Matt O’Grady Baudelaire Phipping Tim Matthau Witherspoon? He fell in a huge of vat of gravy but they’re fishing him back out with a spoon …The fourth And fork! …I’m just going to put absent CHORUS 2: Here at Two Point Campus, we’ve got straight A’s through the roof Though we’re acutely aware that our degrees are quite obtuse SPOKEN INTERLUDE 5: Students are reminded that though we are contractually obligated to encourage you to follow your dreams, that does not excuse falling asleep in lectures Thank you! VERSE 4: We’re here to paint the future and now you can be the canvas In that you’ll be hung out to dry as soon as fees are handed Zoology? Neurology? We muddled up the pamphlets We tried to hire Pavlov’s Dog but built a Hippo-Campus We’ve scientific instruments, so come and get involved Though one horrific incident, Chemistry club dissolved The canteen’s packed with ten foot stacks of huge profiteroles And a little dairy derring-do and you could win the gold Other faculties can grapple with the boring and uncomical Our methods are methodic and we’ve taught the tautological The courses may be dangerous, and harm is very possible You’re fortunate we’re neighbours with just far too many hospitals SPOKEN INTERLUDE 6: Good afternoon class. I’m glad to see you’re all here to hand in your invisibility assignments! …Or I’m in the wrong room Yeah, this is camouflage class mate CHORUS 3: Here at Two Point Campus where the future’s being formed But you’ve seen what we teach here so don’t say that you weren’t warned SPOKEN OUTRO: Graduating students are encouraged to have the time of their lives. Because it’s all downhill from here Thank you!

I adore how the invisibility joke completely defies your expectations. The mention of “invisibility assignments” makes you initially think “oh haha, they walked into the wrong room thinking their students were all invisible, but actually there’s no-one there,” and then the joke *completely* flips on its’ head with the reveal that, no, there *are* people there, it’s just a different type of invisibility lesson. Absolute genius.

“Professor Stupendium’s lecture on awkward white middle class hip hop” He got me laughing before the song had started

"Our wizard school is big on inclusivity" got an "OOOOOH" out of me loud enough that my mom though I'd hurt myself. Bravo, A+ once again!

I love that instead of just leaving The [0:44] Hallways full of class signs. Stupes actually dresses up in different class outfits to fill the background even though it's entirely uneeded. His dedication to the smallest details in every one of his projects is really admirable. [3:03]

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity" What's a Stupendium song without scathing criticism of modern events? Love it.

Somehow, the magician teacher going into the “disguise” class was one of the weirdest, funniest and clever way to associate a wizard and a spy !

This school sounds so much better than what we've been given! All in favor of The Stupendium being our Music Teacher, say "Aye"!

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity" shots fired, middle-aged British millionaire TERF's hit.

"We tried to hire Pavlov’s Dog but built a Hippo-Campus" - Oh, that is a clever line. Well done.

As someone who listened to your “Doctor, Doctor” a ton, this hit the spot. It feels like an alternate reality with the instrumental and all the lyrics flowing the same as the original. Love the faithfulness you kept to the original while upgrading the lyrics to fit this new theme (and your improved spotty wordplay!)

“We’re here to paint the future and now you can be the canvas. In that you’ll be hung to dry as soon as fees are handled.” Can’t be a Stupendium song without a dystopian edge to it and I love it! Great song and rhythm excited for the next one!

A couple things here: Ian's reaction assignment will almost certainly be late. Loved the "Gregory? Rapping" line in the roll call.

I feel this is the best song to share this news. I got accepted into the Culinary Institute of America for my pastry and baking bachelors degree. I listen to your songs while doing homework, studying, and when I bake. Your songs, along with a few other creators, have helped me keep focus and work hard. Thank you for being apart of my journey.

I'm convinced Stupes just used this video to show off his incredible vocabulary and writing skills. AND I LOVE IT!

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity." Is that... What I think it is? Shots fired!!

The attention to detail stupendium puts into these videos is insane. During the attendance scene not only does the projector shoe the subject of what the students are involved in (a magnifying glass and such for "glover? undercover"), you can also see that the images are on stupendium himself, just like a projector in real life. This guy deserves a ton more subscribers, he has earned it.

After dealing with sentient spam, ink demons, killer toys, fascist moles, and a steampunk ice age, it sure is nice to have a nice silly song after all those dark subjects. Great work as usual and I can’t wait to see the big project you have upcoming!

"I'm in the game, so please be nice to me" No promises. Fantastic as always Stupes! Every time you upload a new song it makes my day better!

0:49 I absolutely love the “you won’t find a diploma simply digging in the sand, what’s that… oh they will”

Everyone is so blown away by the wizard school jab that nobody stops to appreciate the hilarious music joke he does right after

"We want your reaction assignments by Monday. That means you Ian." That got a laugh from me mate. Love the clever word play as always.

Currently at an Iron Maiden concert but when Stupes releases something new you gotta watch it!

"Gregory? Rapping." Clever Stupes, very clever. I love how you just slipped it on in there. Keep up the amazing work! (Also, open Mike night! Thursday in the autopsy lab is just brilliant)

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity." This song is already great, but that line alone heightens it even further! 👏🏾☺️

stupes really says 'oops all bangers'. every. single. time. another one on the playlist, i love this! (and the sneaky jab at a certain author got a snicker out of me, love that!)

my favorite lyric in this has gotta be "and rest assured our wizarding school is big on inclusivity" -- okay yeah it passes by real fast in the song and literally everything in here is incredible but that line is just a quiet jab and also makes me really happy. thank you stupes for another great song !!!!

2:26 "Greggory? Rapping" Stupes it's taken me THIS LONG to get this it's so smooth good job

This felt like a wonderful callback but a shining example of just far you've come in word craft. This is a certified bop! Fantastic work Stups!

Stupes, you did it again. The incredible rhythm of the lyrics and the track, the intercom interjections, and the video is fantastic as always, will all sorts of fun surprises. Loving that low ponytail style on you, makes you seem very distinguished in your suit 👍. And as usual, you’ve convinced me to take a look at a new game that I probably wouldn’t have found otherwise lol.

The best part of this is that it's still using the old Two Point hospital beats. Glad to see a return to the humour that got me to subscribe originally. As well as you play a businessman of questionable morals, you'll always be my Chairman of the Board. Knocked it out again. Great work. Thank you!

Goth Stupes is a LOOK. 10/10 (And the inclusivity line hit me like a cannonball to the sternum, it was so spicy! Good thing I can always get fixed up at Two Point Hospital. xD) Another on the favorites playlist!

This feels like a reboot of a classic that somehow makes you feel just as happy as the original. Congrats for getting in the game, Stupes!

The goth-adjacent theatre kid Gideon!Stupendium is giving me gender envy, and I am fairly sure I didn't wake up thinking I would string all those words into a sentence today!

This song is such a bop and also love the my fair lady references***update now I’m finally starting to get all the pins and yep… 🤯***

Another bop as always from The Stupendium! I love the little jab at Rowling and I adore Gideon's look. Also Ian's gonna have no choice but to react to this now cus of the assignment/j.

1:34 Top right: Dr. Stu Pendium, First Class Doctorate in Certificate Forgery; “1rd”. Excellent extra details.

"We are certain that the circumstance could use a little pomp" Why, Stupes, aren't you the cunning linguist!! 😊

"Rest assured our wizardry is big on inclusivity" *Insert Meryl Streep 'YES' GIF here. As always, an absolute bop and so many things I missed on the first time listening. Can't wait to play the game and have Two Point you drop by and I yes I promise to take good care of you. 😇

Me: vibing to a nice song by Stupendium Stupendium: allow me to introduce A GOD TIER VERSE 2:01 It's not a Stupendium song without the most creative wordplay and flow in the history of history. I give this song an A+. But you C, I'll B waiting for D next banger you out. I'll F off with my terrible puns now.

That " thank you " line with that tone makes me proud for being your listener

Not sure what I love the most. The song, stupendium being in the game Or the not-so-subtle JK burn.

It seems that both Stupes and Two Point Studios have really outdone themselves with keeping the style and humor we all love! The repurposed instrumental in particular really keeps the original them going, and I can’t wait to keep re-listening and finding all the rich little nuggets (don’t think I missed the ol’ 1rd reference, or the “big on inclusivity” transitions from pink to blue)

I love how even in such wholesome song Stupe still can't resist the urge to play the "evil villain" for example 3:03. You just can't smash our expectations more!

"Gregory? Rapping!" Oh I JUST NOTICED THAT! It only took... like four re-listens. This is why I love you Stupes, it doesn't matter how many times I listen to your songs over and over again, there's always a chance I'll notice something I missed beforehand

"And rest assured our Wizard School is big on inclusivity" Don't let this one slip, folks.

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity" God DAMN Stupes, we might have to send JK Rowling to Two Point Hospital for the burns she got from that fire bar.

2:43 It took me a while but i finely got the “Our degrees are quite obtuse” line.

I love how you mentioned that this school is inclusive, taking a jab and J.K. Rowling. There were also just too many incredible puns and rhymes to mention. Keep up the great work!

Oh my god, when the best started I had the biggest smile on my face. I'm also imagining you going "It's free real estate" whenever a new Two Point game drops.

I really had a feeling you were going to use the two point hospital songs instrumental for this one, and it flows really well! Thank you for the amazing videos Stupes, keep up the great work!

3:55 …Ouch.

Fun fact: most western schools are starting within the month so this is officially stupenduim back to school song! Also was that a throwback to your last rap at 1:28? I’m not going to bother trying to find all the doctor doctor references.

It seems that the rap class paid off very well. This is another great song, Stupes! I very much enjoyed it!

As someone who is going to college in a few weeks, this song has made me quite happy to see that college is indeed supposed to be chaotic.

truly a "stupendium floating in the air while circling around the new student" moment

I love that during the camouflage class bit you can see it’s taught by Cam o flage!

I absolutely adore this song, another amazing hit! I absolutely love the "and rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity". What a nice dig

3:02 is a stroke of lyrical genius

This one is incredible! And a nice break from apocalyptic scenarios, corrupt establishments and possessed monsters. Or it's all three. Who knows!

Being put in a game is one of the biggest honors a nerd can achieve, well done! Proud of you and watching you grow.

This has hit my with a wave of nostalgia. Your two point hospital song is what got me into you and rustage's music

2:26 Gregory is rapping… that’s too clever to not acknowledge.

Not gonna lie, 2 weeks later the game pops up on Xbox Gamepass and I downloaded it not thinking I would be able to do much without failing on the first campus. Turns out without barely trying already close to three stars, made a fairly nice looking small campus that I am happy with. So thank you Stupendium, you got me into a game that I thought I wouldn't be able to do well in and did surprisingly well even by my low standards! Edit: By low standards I mean that I have low standards in my self doing well for these types of games without failing

That ponytail! 😍 and Shakespearean Stupes? Be still my little goth heart. Congratulations! I have no previous interest in these, but now i *must* play!

Wait you're in the game??? That's freaking awesome!! I've never heard of the game but I'm excited as hyeck for this song ahhhh

Bringing back the two point vibe. This was not too far off from real college to be honest. Still, awesome song and congratulations on being in the game. That's pretty cool. If I get the game, I promise to be nice to your character if I see him.

You make me care about games I’ve never played you poetry prodigy !!! As always LOVE YOUR WORK. Nothing but respect and admiration !

Wow, that’s so exciting you’re in the game! Amazing job on the song as usual.

So many fun little parts of this. When I heard the two-point music appear, I wasn't sure how "different" this song would be. But it feels less like a rehash but a genuine sequel to the Two-Point Hospital song. A lot of the rhymes are absolutely great, particularly the rollcall section. The bits about the wizard school being inclusive and archaeology degrees being in the sand made me laugh. This is just a real great song

That "Rollcall" verse was genius and really well done. Man makes calling names fire. Is it possible to learn this power?

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity" is honestly the funniest line in this entire song, i love it. I will def be saving for this game!!

I'm getting modern major general vibes from this! An absolute tune as always though Stupes

The funky nature of this is just too good… who thought a song about school… also the line “fossilised, I do apologise” is just too funny

Just the line about the inclusive wizard school makes this song phenomenal! Anything that insults JK Rowling automatically gets an A+ from me, Fantastic work!

How is you can manage to nail every single category/theme you make a song for with such ease? Honestly I'm not shocked at this point I haven't heard a bad song from you ever!

Another banger. Loved the two point hospital song and I'm always blown away with your wordsmithing talent! Can't wait to possibly see you in game. Also was the last line of the sign off a reference to InsaneIan if so thats fantastic!

When I read "Two Point" in the title, I was hoping for a similar vibe to "Doctor, Doctor", and this definitely does not disappoint

This feeld like more than just a song: It feels like an introductory song for an entire feature-length musical. It even has elements of introducing various cast members who could have their own songs later. Intentional or not, It's fantastic. :)

I'd gush about the lyrics, the humour, the production value, the beat, but the class would have to stay in late. It's yet another absolute banger, Stupes.

The throwback to two point hospital is amazing and the lyrics in this are class! This is off on my playlist

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GAME INCLUSION! You deserve it due to your unwavering quality on your videos, especially this one! From the lyrics and singing to the amazing backgrounds and animation…it’s what I’ve come to expect from this amazing channel!

Emo Stupes pondering death is something I didn't know I wanted but desperately need more of.

Every time I think Stupes can't put at another banger they surprise me and honestly I'm so glad it doesn't seem to be ending! Also I think I learn a whole new corner of the English language every time I watch Stupes songs.

Not a big fan of Tycoon games, but I *am* a big fan of infectiously clever and catchy songs.

"Our methods are methodic and we've taught the tautological" - I love this. They demonstrate tautology in the first line.

There is more thoughtfulness, ingenuity, and creativity in every one of your songs than I saw in my entire college experience. Not to mention they're a lot less costly to indulge in and they bring a great deal more positivity to my life. ♥ ♥ ♥

From start to finish, this song was a charming little romp filled to the brim with beautiful wordplay that I wish I could understand. I mean, don't get me wrong, I understood a good handful of them, but I might have to listen to this a few more times to fully grasp everything you've put on screen. Oh, and after you've excavated Llewellin Mayhew Matt O'Grady Baudelaire Phipping Tim Matthau Witherspoon the Fourth from that vat of gravy, can you tell them to give me back my pen, please?

The Attendance Role Call made me giggle wildly at the amount of puns and jokes.

i see the unfortunate series of events reference at 2:31

This is like slipping on an old cosy sweater. This is my favourite first listen of your songs for a while. I love the recognizable beat updated with puns both absurd in number and material. Genuinely 10/10 song.

Seeing and listening to all the goofy easter eggs and references leaves me with the dumbest and largest smile on my face and an incredibly happier attitude.

"and rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity" This is why i love your content, amazing work!

"And rest assured our wizard school is big on inclusivity." made me cry. Thank you.

Two point hospital is one of my favourite songs you've ever made, so imagine my joy and surprise that not only is there now a sequel, but you're in it as well

The part where you started listing off all the students names and their "attendance" had me laughing out loud. Great song I love the vibe

Some lovely lines, taught the tautological, acutely aware our courses are obtuse. Wonderful work as always.

"Gregory? Rapping." I see what you did here. Also, can't wait for Insane Ian to react to this.

"Our scores in class still can’t surpass our piling student debts" - so true!!!!!!! and it's "indexed" to the inflation which is through the roof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Attendance with " Gregory? Rapping" was perfect. Very clever stupes 😉