Codependency: the curse of the unmothered daughter 

Yes This. I am reminded of a quote I use to help myself end this mother-to-all-comers behavior: “Before I am your daughter, your sister, your aunt, niece, or cousin, I am my own person, and I will not set fire to myself to keep you warm.” -Elizabeth Gracely

I saw my mom as a large toddler. I believe whatever damaged her happened in toddler stage.

9:29 ‘you’re not responsible for the happiness of others..’ - this is an important realization being raised by a mother who guilt trips and emotionally manipulates - happiness can also be substituted with any stable emotion - I am not responsible for my mother’s (or anyone’s) emotional wellness - that’s huge for many of us

My mom believes children are a constant burden and she prefers to be the child instead. When I got pregnant she started posting memes on Facebook about how women become slaves to babies and kids and their family. I always knew she hated being a mom. But now I know for sure. But I love my baby and I want to create a healthy happy family of my own and heal from my past dysfunctional family roles

Spent my whole life, 59 years mothering my mother, family abusive relationships, pets, everyone !!!! Now i am learning who i am, i am a self, seeing me! I want to live my life, my way. Yes, i need to mother myself ❤

I appreciate you softly speaking about such a painful, hidden abuse.

I'm the opposite; I was the Blacksheep, Scapegoat. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I was ignored, rejected. She was my first hater. To this day ( I'm 65); she ( is in a Nursing Home, Demented) could care less if I'm alive or dead. She cares about my 2 sisters, not me. Still. I have been doing Inner Child Work/ Wounds for the last 6 years. Very painful.

I remember trying on my moms shoes as a little girl, them being way too big. On day I wanted to wear heels for the first time but hers were too small by that point. I outgrew my mother's shoes. My mom is a workaholic. I was the youngest sibling, but when I was 8, she started fostering children, made me babysit them while she went to work. Watching this video made me dive a little deeper because before, I didn't think much of it. The few times the responsibility wasn't on me to look after those kids, it felt strange and uncomfortable. I guess I was already molded to that role of being a young mother at 8. Now at 32, I have no kids. I'm afraid of being a mother.

“Being experienced is a burden to others.” Such a devastating core belief. Well said.

The gift of the narcissistic is exposing Codependency. The medicine for Codependency is self-love.

I stayed in relationships way too long and then they did the discard on me and I found it hard that I failed. And yet the relationship probably ended 2 years earlier, and I was the last to know. I was codependent and was like that because I was not close with my mother and tried to be close. I didn't want to fail again.

My Mother worked a lot and was not emotionally available to me. I chose NEVER to have children 👧🏻 and today at age 56 I AM widowed and orphaned and learning how to RE-PARENT my inner child 👧🏻 it is very hard when now being in sobriety ❤sober since 5-10-2015 and buried my father and my mother 👩🏻 and my beloved husband of 21 years all in my first 4 years of Sobriety 😢at age 51 having to learn how to live in a world that feels extremely unbearable at times 😮

I was raised as mother hen , my mother checked out emotionally at 8. I do thank and applaud my daughter for helping with the baby . Lord help me let her be the child 🙏

Came here from Tiktok. Parentified daughter. Thank you for seeing me and holding space for me. I was gonna type" us" not me but I have to start healing somewhere and why not start with mentioning myself and not catering to the needs of others...like I have been doing for almost 40 years. Subscribed.

Exactly what I was going through. I learned that my mother is a dumb martyr and just incapable of understanding what love is. I grow up telling her what she was supposed to do (with a lot of fight and maybe no fruit of course lol). But thankfully I'm 28 and can say I'm thriving now with the support of strangers' online teaching like yours. On my way out of people-pleasing and codependence behavior. Still living with her and our charming big baby boy (my father) untill married because of our family tradition. I don't ditch the belief that I need to be in this tiny team untill the end and we should support each other. The difference now is that I know and pursue my wants and dreams and they can't stop me. Thank you Evita you are awesome!

I wasn’t mothered by my mother - but I didn’t have to ‘mother’ her - you can still be ‘unmothered’ without having to have assumed the role of a mother to your mother - and that’s still very damaging for different reasons - mostly to do with self worth deficiency - she was mostly just emotionally absent and or abusive - but very self sufficient competitive prideful - I suspect she is what Sam Vaknin calls a covert borderline - I was also not mothered by a step mom - and I was rejected by a half sister who is 20 years older - and also rejected by my mother in law - I’ve never known a human mother - yet I love being a loving mother - and I love studying love through personal and spiritual development - it takes a lot of self awareness and inner work

My mom was heavily traumatized by her former husband and my dad is not easy to live with either. She had a breakdown when I was 6 and that is when my childhood ended.

Well I decided early on that I create more issues and demand the attention I need 😂 later on running away (just not being home, already having my own things to do) when my mom started showing codependency signs/needs and I was a teenager. Also knew from an early age that I never want children (thankfully this never changed by the age of 37). Instead I relentlessly worked on understanding what was I doing with men that made the things happen that happened to me, worked on changing and becoming completely happy with being alone (which I always was as a child). So once I became completely happy with just being with myself ofc I met the person I’ve been with for 6 years by now. I’m adamant about still having my alone time just for myself and very strict with when I let my mom into my life. Feel balanced now.

This especially true for daughters of immigrants. I love my siblings as they are my own children and my nieces and nephews and my own mother resented us once we were able to ask questions or disagree. I inherited my mothers willpower and stubborness, thats the only reason Im free and refuse to be burden by guilt bc she isnt happy. I refused to be punished by her choices and mistakes. I take her on the most, so my siblings can be successful and happy. I love my mom but its a heavy cross to bear.

Wow. This is a such a disturbingly accurate & beautifully thoughtful analysis. I only recently (within the last year) discovered narcissism, parentification, parental alienation, & co-dependency which cleared the fog made of my life & mind. And part of me is really angry, but another part of me realizes I can't be angry for what you explained... my grandma was the oldest daughter in an unwanted pregnancy that resulted in my 23-year-old g-grandma marrying a man 17 years older than her... a man she did not love. She went on to have 6 kids & she'd lay in bed "sick" all the time & turned my grandma into her mother & the mother of her children. My grandma admittedly didn't love my grandpa when she married him. She married him to escape. She didn't want kids, but societal norms kept harassing them about having kids. 3 years into their marriage, she accidentally got pregnant with my mom (who's an only child). And when she gave birth, my big family man of a grandpa that pressured her into marriage barely 2 months into dating & who was excited about the accidental pregnancy to prove his fertility to his peer-pressuring family took only jobs that kept him on the road for weeks at a time. My grandma found herself in a new prison, rather than having escaped as she was constantly left at home alone, unable to even drive, with a burden of a baby she hadn't wanted. That baby was my mother, who did the same thing. At 18 she met my 17 year old dad. She accidentally got pregnant & married him thinking she'd escape. But only found a new prison... the prison of having to grow-up to fast, likely even after having to parent her own mother. My grandma's a vulnerable narcissist. My mother's grandiose... although I think these forms of narcissism can be a bit interchangeable. My mother, at times, can be vulnerable although she's largely grandiose. My mom's an only child & I'm an only child that thankfully did not have kids. Both have sapped the life out of me turning me into their mother in what created a neurotic mess of hypervigilance in me. And you're very correct. This is a societal thing. Narcissism is at the root of our societal philosophy & cultural norms. Think about the impact of the Abrahamic Faith's, not just in the religious believers, but in our overall understanding of things like morality & values that even applies to atheists. And what are the Abrahamic Faith's? God love me most. I'm chosen by God to heal/save souls and/or the world (so, I'm God's gift to everything)... and the world was created just for me as my paradise. Post end-time battle it will be my paradise again... my heaven on earth. It is absolute narcissism & half the world's population subscribe to that form of belief in what's politcally and academically impacted all forms of entire cultures & their norms. Scary stuff.

This resonated with me deeply. I now have a much better understanding of why I am subconsciously attracted to people that are very immature and behave irresponsible most of the time. It also explains my deep anger about not having a childhood. There is one question now that came up while I was watching the video: Is there such a thing as 'overmothered daughters' ? My mom wasn't overburdened as a child, quite the opposite. She was one of the youngest and never had a big responsibility. When she became a mother, my grandma used to look after us, because she was irresponsible and immature and when I was like 6 years old, caring for my siblings was my responsibility (and with that I was guilty for everything that went wrong in my mothers eyes). So I personally feel like overmothering can be as worse as undermothering, the wounds are little different, but the outcome, especially with codependency is more or less the same.

I am both this daughter and this mother. I had my daughter when I was 20, in a toxic relationship with her father. She's 13 now and I'm still struggling to build the capacity for mothering. I feel like a failure and like I shouldn't have become a mom, at least not so early on. I'm now dreading the thought of ever having another child. I can't even find the energy to take care of a pet (my daughter's father actually bought a husky pup when she was born, so I took care of both of them at the same time, which was too overwhelming for smn like me). I never want to experience that ever again. I feel shame for having such a broken nervous system

Thank you for making this video. ❤

Incredible 🙏🏽❤️ thank you so much

Thank you❤

My mom was like this. This is why I refuse to have children.

Thank you very much, for your insights ❤

The concept of "childhood" itself didnt exist a couple of generations ago. Little boys started helping on the farms or with whatever their fathers were doing and little girls helped their mothers raise the other kids and with house work.

This video is immeasurably important. It feels like the history of women from the inside.

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU, THE UNWANTED AND THE UNLOVED. MESSAGE FROM MOTHER MARY

Awesome!

Thank you. ❤ I am healing

Wow thank you!!!❤

This.

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