Committed Suicide in Front of Family 

I'm appalled that the person Justin was divorcing kept his ashes instead of giving them to his family.

Imagine being her dad trying to hold on to Justin’s ankle and not being able to save him…. Heart shattering.

With a 5 year age difference, the fact that she was so close with her brother, and she was the first person he came out to, is really touching.

the way she speaks about her brother is so beautiful. she really is telling his story and “spreading” his legacy. also, coming from somebody who has dealt with suicidal thoughts for the last while, hearing her talk about him and her experience make me realize how i would never want to make my siblings or family or loved ones have to talk about me this way. even though shes honouring him it’s (obviously) still sad because of the reason shes doing this

My uncle committed suicide before I was born. I’m 22 now. I can see the void it has left in my family even to this day. My mom will never be the same after she lost him.

My mom committed suicide in front of us 3 years ago, as my Dad was reaching to stop her... Doing CPR "for show" bc you know it won't help... It's horrible. And no, you don't sleep after. It changes the way you see everything... I wish it on no one.

Wow. December 10th is also the anniversary of my best friend’s suicide. I don’t know why I felt compelled to share that, but god bless justin.

That poor father. I know a man whose son was a meth addicted that was physically abusive to him and his wife. One night the son was attacking the mother trying to get her purse and the dad pulled a gun telling the boy to leave that he called cops. The boy attacked the dad and the gun went off shooting the boy in main artery in leg. He bleed out within 2 minutes. His last words were Dad you killed me. It has completely destroyed the family.

Her little tidbit about her girlfriends helping her through is major imo. My girls and I GOT each other. We’ve all been through so much, but having close friends by our side is that glimmer of hope.

My husband took his life 3 years ago. It really helps to hear other people’s stories, struggles and perseverance through it. Thank you for sharing and thank you for platforming topics that don’t get enough coverage. I’m grateful to have come across this podcast. Wishing everyone healing and peace in the new year ❤️

i am only 5 min in but wow this woman is such a strong soul, i can just tell from the way she spoke about losing her baby... i wish her nothing but the best

As Gillian’s once a week coffee friend, I have watched her grow by leaps and bounds throughout the years I’ve known her. Justin’s death could have broken her, Allen’s almost death could have put her over the edge, other life stressors could have crushed her. But she has used these experiences as a catapult to grow as a person. She really does live for him now too. So her life is fuller, richer, MORE important I guess because she sees the world for Justin now too. Gilly, he’s so proud of you and this was a beautiful way to memorialize how you LIVED when he could not. I’m so proud of you. I really like that you both talked about how the loss of a person is just one small part of their whole life. I remember when my aunt and uncle committed suicide it was the main thing I remembered. For so long. This has reminded me to remember the other times, dinners with them and my cousins, my aunt creating beautiful beaded jewelry and my uncle and his long hair and mustache and van blasting Grateful Dead. They were loved and they are gone but not forgotten. Same with Justin.

This is such a heartbreaking story, I wish I could just hug her. I couldn’t imagine being her father having to live with that feeling of not being able to hang onto his son’s ankles to save his life. 💔💔

I loved her enthusiasm when you’d analyze her words and feelings. She really felt heard and connected and it seems like she’s taken a lot of time on this subject. So beautiful that you guys can bring Justin to life through this podcast. This is genuinely the most uplifting episode so far, Gillian is such a great soul and a wonderful speaker.

Gillian, thank you for sharing your story. I lost my step father who helped raise me for about 15 years took his life on my birthday in August 2023. My ex fiancé also took his life in January 2023. Dealing and Grieving and trying to not feel like either were my fault has been very difficult. Hearing stories like yours makes me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you

“Everyone is always going to have problems, there will always be something” 🙏🏼

Just started this episode, but I just wanted to say thank you. As a fellow suicide loss survivor (my younger brother in 2020), this means so much in terms of feeling connected.

This episode seems very real so far, especially in the way she describes her reaction to his suicide, pretty refreshing. Hope everyone is having a safe holiday

thank you for sharing, as a severely depressed doctor myself I fully understand what he was going through. It is very common especially in residency.

Gillian you did an amazing job talking about this very sensitive subject. I’m sure so many viewers could relate. When you said your brother called you didn’t talk that brought such a memory to me. I had a friend call me and I didn’t get it saying I’ll calm her later and she got killed that night it took me quite awhile to get over that . Devorah you are doing such a wonderful podcast letting all these people share their stories. Keep up the great work you’re doing .❤️👌👍

Gillian. Wow. Just wow. My brother took his life in front of my family on one of our family vacations in Mexico 7 years ago 12/30/16. I can’t believe this podcast just came out when I needed it the most. Thank you for sharing your story thank you thank you. ❤

I've also had thoughts of ending it all but what keeps me going is my mom and sisters, I would never put them through that pain. I can't imagine losing a sibling this way, it must be so painful for everyone who loved him.

My heart goes out to you and your brother. Bigotry like homophobia reflects the hypocrisy of society. How straight people can support love and celebrate their relationships through holidays, ceremonies, music, movies and literature, just for some to demonize another groups love for trivialities.

I’m in disbelief by how much Gillian’s story aligned with mine and I mean nearly to a tea. Her story is so raw and I didn’t know I needed this as much as I did. Thank you for sharing and giving me an opportunity to cope. I wish the very best for you Gillian, never stop inspiring others and fulfilling Justin’s legacy!!

I never knew you lost your father at 12. I was 15 when my father passed away from cancer and I never really coped - it has such an impact on me to this day but it’s almost like a second layer that I have become used to

She’s so positive and wonderful. What a strong woman 💕 thank you for allowing her to share her story.

Dealing with grief. Life after death is strange. In the past few years I’ve had loved ones pass from cancer, health issues,an accident, two suicides. I don’t feel like life is real sometimes.

My son took his life 4 months ago I was 5 feet away he was 24 I am DEVASTATED 😭😭

I'm not even 10 minutes in but I'm gutted for her... I'm extremely close with my own brother - it's like I understand what they had and I would be shattered to lose it. My heart goes out.

I lost my dad in 2021 in a similar way. Thank you for this video, and thank you to Gillian for sharing her story and feelings that I can relate to so well. Sending light and peace.

Just the thought of losing my twin brother is heartbreaking. This woman is so strong and very inspirational

I had no idea other people have PTSD around phone calls

i cried a lot during this. she is so well spoken, resilient & strong. my heart goes out to her and her family ❤

Feel so bad for her brother who lost his life due to mental health problems.. 💔

This podcast is amazing! Thanks for providing this for the guests and viewers 🥹🫶🏼 happy new year!

10 minutes in as you’re describing your brother i began tearing up. such a beautiful soul gone too soon he will never be forgotten 🕊️

It took me days to get through this podcast because it broke my heart.. I’ve never been through something like this but this story truly got to me. I hope she and her family are healing and doing better. I hope the parents are doing better as well, I could not imagine my child committing suicide in front of me.. god bless this whole family, and his precious son who watches as well.

Gillian is so strong. I am six minutes in and already crying, their relationship describes the exact relationship between me and my sister. Knowing that I almost left her alone, this video helps a lot

*Gillian,* WOW you are a powerhouse girlie. 🖤 Justin's story felt very reminiscent of my own in many ways, so this hit me quite a bit extra. Just know that the love for your brother really shined through in this episode, thank you so so SO much for the raw emotion and transparency.. Speaking out like this is so important for so many reasons, he would've been proud to know that you are doing this for him, yourself and many others. And CONGRATS ON THE SHOW! So glad you are able to express yourself across many mediums, let your voice be heard!

what an obviously beautiful soul she is

Thank you for sharing this extremely personal and painful part of your life. Prayers for peace and comfort to you and your family. 🙏

I love this podcast so much. There are so many times listening to people share their stories that I can relate but this one by far has brought on so many emotions that I really understood every part. She is so brave for publicly sharing her and her family’s story in such a poetic way that really brought on a sense of closure in my own healing journey. Thank you!!! 💜💜

Wishing her and her family peace ♥️

i had a suicide attempt in front of me twice but never successful. that man. fucked me up. i saved him both times.

Thank you so much Gillian for sharing your story. You are a strong, amazing woman. Although I haven't lost anyone to suicide, I can relate strongly to the feeling of being scared of early morning/late night phone calls. I recently lost my grandparents who I was extremely close to within 2 months of each other, and getting those phone calls were insanely hard. My stomach drops every time someone calls early/late now. I hope you and your family have found peace and continue to heal.

it's so incredibly heartbreaking that her nephew's living parent is harming him further by cutting off contact with one side of his family. He deserves all of the love and support he can get. How shameful. I hope the grandparents at least, if not the siblings too, will appeal to the courts for visitation. it's been known to happen in the best interest of the children.

I can’t really watch this due to my own trauma, however I know it will be great for people to hear. Thank you Gillian for sharing your story

i also experienced something similar but it was with my aunts gf at our house, the lack of sleep is so real everytime i closed my eyes it was just flashbacks it was so scary and i was so mad why she'd do that our house bc we had to stay at hotels after that bc of the aftermath and move houses. Homophobia really is horrible, words are strong be careful what you say to people you never know what else they're going through :(

The ex keeping the ashes is SICK AF!!!!

Thank you for sharing Justin with all of us! After hearing your story I text all my kids (4) and told them how’s much I loved them and am proud of them. I don’t want another day to go by without just telling them. Thank you again ❤

A close relative of mine committed suicide yesterday in the early hours of the morning. I wish my parents had never told me how he died. I can’t get the image out of my head

Gillian has such a genuine soul, her view on things is refreshing to me, I'm very happy for her that she knew how to get her life going despite a terrible event.

Gillian, you are not alone in thinking the way you did after your brother's death. My cousin's husband ended his life after a battle of heroin addiction and a long-time mental illness. She said it was a relief in a way that the prolonged days of his suffering and her worrying about him were over.

she is such a strong and positive woman. these stories are so important. you are always enough

this woman is sooooo strong, honestly this makes me realize that speaking to someone could be my last time speaking to them, and on the flip side it makes me notice the big impact suicide can have on the person who died

I lost my sister in 2021 and shortly after lost my grandpa and almost my dad twice. it’s unfortunate that people can relate but it helps. ❤ thank you

When my boyfriend took his life last year, I was like your dad. I took “notes” but it was cause I didn’t know what to do with my self. I felt So unworthy of doing anything and it felt wrong. But also felt wrong if I didn’t help. So I just wrote things his mom said needed to be done and I would try to help. He was 16 turning 17 a month after he died I was 15 turning 16 in December.

This is such a good reminder of what I cannot put my family through :),

What a strong family. I wish them the best and hope they heal and have a great life after the terrible traumas that they have been through.

The part where she talks about not getting back to people who reached out despite feeling super grateful for their words resonated with me so much. When the grief is fresh, you just don't have bandwidth to do anything but just exist. I think anyone who's lost someone understands this, and would never feel bad for not getting a response (or getting a very belated response). Everything she describes is extremely normal for grief IMHO. It's totally okay to prioritize yourself in this situation. It's okay to take things at your own pace.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s strange to have a huge sexy headshot in a space where people are sharing really traumatic experiences….

Best video you’ve put out lately, I think being more selective with your guests will help this pod thrive. :)

Wow… I just want to reach through and hug Gillian over and over again… You amaze me, sis❤

Thank you for sharing. Every word is choking me up. Such an impactful story.

There is something about this woman that i cant put a finger on that makes her so easily relatable. I think the fact that she’s so authentically authentic,and I especially loved her ability to intently listen any time she and the host were having a discussion,and she wasn’t the one speaking at the moment, her ability to do that was admirable and rare to be honest.

You seem like such a sweet, open and evolved person, Gillian! I see you going far and you deserve all the love and support

The aneurysm hit deep. He’s extremely lucky. My grandma passed from a brain aneurysm. I try to recount how she could have possibly called 911 and an ambulance for herself mid thunderclap headache. Unfortunately she had another massive stroke and we lost her. That’s for letting me trauma dump RU-vid

My brother took his life a year ago - it was first thought to be a homicide. My family is broken. He was the unintended hub of the family. I still cry, and I fight harder to recover from my own mental health issues because I never want to cause others the pain his death caused all of us.

I really enjoy seeing her happy truly happy speaking about her brother that’s awesome she has a good vibe and intent very good spirited human you can tell by the way she talks about her brother 🩵 love that! 😊

Thank you for sharing your story, Gillian. I also lost my older brother to suicide over a year ago. You are definitely not alone

i really love the episodes when we can feel the guest and devorah connecting, it always makes my heart warm :)

It’s nice to see so,done just sit and tell her story without a bunch of notes

Oh my god, I love _The Good Place!_ I never thought anyone would watch it to prepare for death. 😢

parents need to be very careful not to put the children in pressure cookers , although each suicide is unique and an incomprehensible tragedy and sorrow , it can be useful for parents to teach children that life is about winning and losing , and to normalize that truth

Gillian you are a beautiful Soul. Thank you for sharing. ❤

Wow, so glad to see she is doing so well for herself, she should be proud!

I have clinical depression, ocd and panic disorder. I will spare the details of what led me to this reality though. I have been hospitalized twice in a facility due to my attempts. I say all that to say that for those who don’t understand suicidal tendencies, it’s not at all how you think. First and foremost, I have never WANTED to die. I just in those moments couldn’t bear living. It’s a strange feeling at least to myself. More than anything my ocd is the worst of my diagnosis. I in my darkest moments, felt that taking myself out was the only solution to the fear, pain and eventual numbness. Even now I struggle from time to time but I promise to anyone who is at that point, tomorrow will come. Each day brings something new. Please stay to see it. I look back and think about all the amazing things I could have missed had I succeeded in my plans to leave. Depression is a painful illness. If I could make it to this point that I am now, I know others can. Prioritize your needs. Take steps slowly. I promise it will be okay.

always look forward to your uploads Dev. have a happy new year ♡

I feel very connected to your story through things I'm not comfortable sharing (they're a little too specific)

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate her sharing her story I related since I have had a few back to back losses this makes me less alone

My heart goes out to her and her family 💝

So that’s good, when I’m gone my loved ones will feel freedom. That’s what I was hoping for so I’m glad to know they will feel a sense of relief.

It's so crazy how she can remember every detail big and small from the day she found out her brother died. Im guessing it has to do with the brain going thru a tramatic experience. I also can remember every detail from the day my older brother passed away also because it was the day before my birthday and 1 week before my older sisters quinceniera.

Gillian, your heart and your message came through so purely, thank you for sharing your heart ❤️

This episode really deeply affected me and helped me through a hard time.... Thank you for sharing.

i once was at a point where i was so close to killing myself and it was scary. I never want to experience that again, i was just so exhausted and i remember how the idea of dying got less scary all the time. luckily i was able to see that and not do anything. now i like to hear these kinds of stories to remind myself to fight for my own wellbeing

I know that people say suicide is a selfless act. But I struggle to understand how it is completely selfless when it is detriment to the people that love the victim. Especially if they do it in front of the loved ones or in a place where loved ones have to find them. They know it will hurt them and traumatize them. So I think there is a small amount of selfishness in that aspect. I understand they feel as though others may be better off with out them and that life isn’t worth the pain.

the christmas part of this really got me because my mum died 2 days before christmas in 2013, it’s the weirdest thing to have a normal christmas all set up ready to go and then it’s just me and my dad - it’s so hard x

Gillian wising you the best in your future adventures ❤ such a beautiful spirit, everything will work out for you I know it!

Omg so sad for the family of course but the father not being able to hold on 😢. Thank you so much much for sharing your story

Keep up with the videos and please stay safe out there ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Imagine adopting a child that has no parents only to leave the kid with an abusive father. Selfish selfish.

I don't think we should expect people to kill for us when they are in so much pain but doing it in front of your family is a total F U to them. That is the most pain you could cause someone.

I just want to hug both of you 🫂🫂🫂

My daughter committed suicide on the anniversary of my partners death. It's been 4 yrs. And the first yr that I can hold my head up for most days

Anytime someone commits suicide in front of family it’s an act of anger and selfishness. Revenge. They want to get back at everyone they feel has hurt them. What better way than ending one’s life in front of those they’re angry at?!! Then those who witnessed the suicide must live with that image the rest of their life. Suicide in and of itself is an incredibly selfish act towards those who are left behind. My sister attempted suicide on the day of my wedding vow renewals. She and I had fallen out and hadn’t talked in close to a year. It was payback. She picked the date of our wedding vow renewal just to get back at me. I had never had a wedding and she knew how special the occasion was for me. Sometimes our loved ones have a score to settle by committing suicide. It makes it that much more devastating. Heartbreakingly enough, she survived but lived as an invalid for 16 years after in a wheelchair, paralyzed and unable to speak. Sepsis took her life in the end. She was furious at an ex boyfriend (who really wasn’t a boyfriend at all but a man who had used her 😢), her mother (who had abused her emotionally & physically throughout her life), our dad (for having little to no interest in her all her life) and probably many others who she felt had let her down. She had struggled with mental health most of her life and was in a lot of pain. She often didn’t take her medication which made her mood swings worse causing her to be extremely volatile. I pray she now has peace and is in a much better place than this cruel old world. I love and miss her very much. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Have my tea & grapes . Ready for this video!

This is such a great podcast, thank you so much for this episode 💕

Sorry for your loss and the pain it caused.

My mother took her life with gunshot to the head less than two feet from me. That is an image I will never forget. I heard her the loading the gun in the kitchen. It wasn’t the first time she had done this I have had also her point the gun at me and then there the times she pointed at herself and pull the trigger also sometimes when she had the gun pointed at me she would pull the trigger as well. And she would make a point to take the bullets out of the gun just to prove it was loaded. She had done this so many times I most of the times would call her bluff. I truly love my mom and I knew she loved me. But she was having dementia issues along depression and me with my depression also didn’t help. I miss her so much and love her with all my heart