Dating is a cycle of beginnings and endings. Here’s how to navigate it. - Letters From Esther Live 

There is no controlling others’ feelings or actions. The best way to deal with uncertainty from the world around me is to take care of myself. Be independent in every way. I can control how I react and deal with what happens to me. In my limited power I will try my best to avoid bad people, bad situation, and bad decision making. If good love comes from family or non blood related people, great, my good luck. If not, I can still go on.

Agree. Nothing hurts more than suddenly the other person losing interest and I don’t know why.

A part of the release and healing for me is having that discussion at the end of the “situationship”. Some people aren’t compatible and we should normalize that conversation because just ghosting people is unnecessary. We need to live and love with more respect then that.

Someone wrote "How do I stop attracting Narcissists". That is a simple question with a complex answer. What I have gathered so far is this: 1) Narcissists are attracted to our generosity. We need to set limits and boundaries around our generosity. This will help us weed out those who are trying to take advantage of us. 2) If we are people pleasers, or have those tendencies, we put everyone else's needs above our own. Once again the answer is to set boundaries. First to take care of ourselves and our own needs first. (Which is counter intuitive to a people pleaser), and then to set limits on how much, or how often you are going to give to someone, without seeing any genuine concern for you, your needs or yourself as a person. Relationships are based (In part) on a level of reciprocity and mutual respect. It is the nature of a people pleaser to give freely, without the concern of what the other person brings to the relationship. This allows Narcissists, and other abusive types (Like addicts) to keep taking without giving. 3) People pleasers, and those with these tendencies, suffer from a low sense of self-esteem. The narcissists can detect this, and they latch on to us. So to stop attracting them, we must build our sense of self-esteem. This means, we have to have a level of admiration and respect for ourselves. Not let our sense of self-worth be dictated by either what we do for others or how others feel about us. We must realize we are whole, and complete, and worthy of love and respect just for being us. This is as far as I have gotten in my own journey. If there are any more steps, I would be glad to hear from those with more experience in this area than I.

My family stopped by a coffee shop for a quick break while traveling. We noticed 3 men and 3 women, in their 30s/40s, in the corner seating and their body language told me they were a bit nervous, a bit self-aware, and not couples. They were having a conversation and laughing that nervous way....like "Thank goodness someone made a joke!". My wife noticed some literature on a table and peeked at it. Turns out, it was a local singles group meeting as my wife told me when we were in the car. We've been married 30 years and my heart went out to this group....not sympathy, but empathy.....we both remember the crazy days of dating and understand how vulnerable the individuals in this group had made themselves. Vulnerability.....seems to be the most common feeling from my dating days. I was a confident guy....but I definitely faced rejection along the way. Keep your heart open.

People for the most point never know what they want. They sometimes are attracted for the wrong reason to other people. Over time these issues show up and boom, you are on your own. Know yourself and present yourself honestly. If that doesn't work, make yourself a nice drink.

How sweet and human this video is

Yes. Connect with friends:) It's tough to keep dating. I look at each date as "dating practice". Lol Takes the pressure off

What I love about dating: the connection, having fun getting to know someone new, experiencing new activities, learning new things, feeling wanted by physical touch, hugging, and kissing. Negative aspects: The uncertainty, knowing that they can leave at any moment for someone else, not feeling enough

Gosh, you just described my current experience with courting to a T. Such a relief to know the unknown and the up and down loops are normal. I'm back in the game after years and frankly I am just now discovering the real essence of dating, of courtship, of what it is all about and its value. It's been a revelation. I was never good at relationship and before would jump into too quickly. Now I take my time and explore the little nuances and colours and building blocks of whatever it may flourish into. Your video also has a happy and optimistic undertone which gives me courage!

Receiving is giving to the other person, wow I have never seen it from this angle! Thank you.

As always…phenomenal perspective!🙌🏾💯🙏🏾

My first encounter with you! You have a sense of self confidence and healing I’m glad to be here, I want to write your positive influences in my journal,

Just made me smile when I realized the emotions I was feeling when I was still dating someone, who is the person I’m in a relationship with now, and I was uneasy and having conflicting thoughts about whether to go on or not. Listening to this video made me realize that I was feeling normal things. This human experience is something.

This is great, Esther. Thank you. I take time to heal before embarking on new relationship and work on myself.

This was so helpful! I hope I’ll remember to get on live next time! Thanks Esther!

I couldn't deal with the daily texting and then nothing for weeks. I told him I will always have a place in my heart for him but he didn't make time for me. I'm not dating anyone I need to heal from this . We knew each other for 10 years as friends before saying I love you.

Listening to you and the way you describe our collective life/pain experience and how to manage it is really helpful and has a calming effect. You make life a better experience for so many of us. Thank you Esther. Sincerely: Agnes Russo

Beautiful workshop... Have watched many RU-vid videos of your wisdom but 1st time on your workshop.... Priceless wisdom 💖

Thank you so much for this podcast ❤. Incredibly valuable conent.

Such a great conversation! Missing the person when they have eased away from you as yo said so well Rejection loss etc moving on yes! Still in the healing process of the loss/being alone I'm learning more about myself! Things people I'd like to see and do Yes tears what happened?? Still moving on loving self Thank You so Much for this ❤️🙏💯

Thank you so much Esther:** you have indeed unlocked many things for me

Esther thank you once again, you have so much to offer us and often i get lost in it all too much to absorb. I can relate to a lot of the points you have covered. Will have to listen to the video again.

Thank you Esther💖 For all that you do🙏

This has been so helpful. Thank you, Esther!

Thank you. Its very retable. The ups and downs of dating are very stressful. Thank u for the advice

It was charming. I loved it. Thank you.

I love this so much. Thank you, Esther!

Merci pour cette analyse relationnelle! Thank you for this consciousnesses and your help ! Send you a lot of love 🤍🤍🤍🤍

Thank you for this video! I enjoyed it 😀

OMG this is what I needed to hear

You're very talented at promoting you and your work, I like that :) Thanks for the inspiring input, makes me think a lot

Wonderful! Thank you! :)

Oh Esther thank you very much, you're wonderful! this brings so much peace.

Best wishes from Croatia 🙏🏻🌈

24:33 You described my current feelings to a T🎯 early October I was ghosted by a man I met online … 6 months of what I thought was a promising fiery physical connection. Having a hard time healing my broken heart 💔

Thank you Ms Esther. Right when I needed it... :(

Thank you!! 💛🎉

love and light esther

Ugh, the physical violence of ghosting. The panic, the ache, the high jacked thoughts, the loss of sleep, the loss of appetite.

Yes, although it really doesn't help to have someone else in line, but we let it be our salvation. The best thing to do is just learn to be alone and expect to be alone.

I agree with engaging in the arts to heal and recombobulate.

Thank you! ❤️

I am happy to learn more about dating, as I ended a 38 year marriage with my husband over a year ago.

Je vous adore! ❤️

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. ❤ You look lovely! ❤❤

Yes I tried to get over someone by being with someone else and now I take a step back not seeing anyone and heal

The Death of a Spouse creates a trauma tear in the Heart!

If you don’t want to receive from someone, it’s quite possible you don’t want them to be holding out hope where you know there is none. Speaking from experience

Esther... I listen to you daily. You are this amazing fountain of information... About the most important part of our lives. Understanding ourselves and Partnerships! Thank you.

The unknown is initially enjoyed and later dreaded…

You're brilliant of course but also that necklace really suits you!

God Bless You! The phenomenon of "ghosting" is directly related to societal codependency. ❤Is this true love? Peace, Minister Hanifah Hightower, Detroit

Both my new partner and I are healing from broken loves. It’s really nice to be on the same page

Hola desde Ciudad de Mexico

I experience A LOT of projection of assumption from gentlemen who identify as monogamous when we discuss love and devotion. They say oh you have never experienced true love or you don’t really love me if you xyz. I have never felt as annoyed as when other people proclaim that THEIR love methodology is how my emotions function. Why do people do this? I would never assume someone else has to identify with my love principles in order to be valid real or sincere

I can relate with unrequited love.

No I think going into new relationship to heal without healing first n take a break is a disaster for anybody I mist say dont rush to a new one when you arent healed nobody deserves a leftover kinda treatment.

The exileration of the promise of a new love.

what a beautiful necklace! where is it from?

It’s weird for me the best part of dating is getting to know someone and the worst apart to dating is getting to know someone smh 🤦🏾‍♂️

Can you do a video on being the one who is pulling away (but feel sad that the chemistry/connection is going too but can’t explain why)! Sometimes the person who was all in at the beginning don’t want it to end but they just can’t find or create the attraction back

Just recently my boyfriend of 6 months broke the relationship off. We’re both in our 50. I just got over my marriage and was totally in love. We’ve been separated one month and I cannot get over him. He cares for me and likes me but seems to be incapable of a committed relationship. I would like to get over him by dating again but I cannot bring myself to do that as yet.

Yes

I’d love more information on how to gauge another person’s capacity for deeper emotional connection. I suspect this is what happens in a lot of relationships. One person has done the work and “pushes” for more and more and the other person balks.

My dating has been with the goal of having a long term partnership/marriage. This requires that we mesh on many important levels. If we realize we aren't a good match, it doesn't feel so bad to me, because who wants to be married to the wrong person? I've never had the experience of a man ghosting me or my ghosting them. We have always ended things amicably with a clear conversation. However, when I meet new female friends, and it seems we are connecting well as friends, even just as an "activity" friend...and they suddenly avoid me/don't return my calls or emails (which I've experienced many times in my life) I am always hurt and baffled. What went so wrong that we cannot even do crafts together any longer? I think it's the ghosting that is so hard to bear. I ruminate on whether there is some large flaw I need to work on that leads to such behavior?

Vous êtes une belle femme 🥰

@estherperel, I recently found you and I am completely enamored with you and your techniques. I have read your books and have tried to apply your suggestions and advice to my relationship. But I don't feel its worked much. We've been to therapy and even the therapist couldn't help. How do you work on a relationship that, in the broader sense, is good? Its based on communication, honesty and respect. But the more he is emotionally invested, the more physically distant he becomes. I feel like my partner has gotten more and more physically separated the longer we're together. This appears to be a pattern he has, since all his relationships have ended because of this. We are good together when it comes to our blended family and family life, but not as a couple. We're literally at my breaking point. PLEASE HELP!

So you and the bible are my two mantras in my daily life. Thank you so much for your wisdom! On another note: i love you style and julery!! Where do you get it??

What was the title of the book about healing from breakups and the author please!!

Esther, do you have any resources for working with love/lust split?

This happens to me after one or two great dates, my body tells me they are not my person but I really have a great date…I get intimate with them. And then I go in to anxiety and need to stop seeing them. I don’t understand what is going on.

How do you stop the unclick?! If you’re the one pulling away (but don’t want to) -it possible Esther…? If you feel it happening chemically and emotionally after a few months. It’s sad

If you know someone likes you, I’m not sure why you’d beg someone else to tell you you can say it to them. You could just know it together, as you have claimed. It sounds more like you want to guide the connection faster than it is actually moving

The part that everybody loves which is the excitement of the "getting to know" is the part that I hate. I think this is why I always date or want to date my friends, I just can't stand that period of an "interesting stranger" taht I'm discovering. There is far too much anxiety and uncertainty I can't deal with. I much prefer that guy that I've known for years and have already done activities as a friend with mutual friends before and I already know 80% of what he is and the only thing I'm discovering are the more intimate and relationshipy things that you don't find out until you actually date.

It's funny. A few years back I was following your work so intensely due to finding myself in a dynamic relationship - the love was what I wanted, but nothing else added up. He reconnected with me just under a month ago and I was at his place when (we here on the east coast) got hit with that storm, adding a few days to my stay. And I swear, through the years, as soon as I get to my third morning waking up beside him, I am simply depressed. It's not like we have had a fight. It just seems like enough time around him my thoughts are no longer my own. I heal on my own just fine and then feel strong enough to try again. I wonder if your expertise can comment on unconscious empathy? I use the word empathy not to toot my own horn (oh look its because I'm this lovely emphatic person = no) but I don't know of another concept that might suggest one can, through no conscious control, literally pick up and carry our partners thoughts. Well, I figure if enough people care about this it may become a topic of discussion. All the best!

When it has failed for 30 years, (never had a long term relationship because men leave) how do you do to believe it'll happen at some stage ? Everyone in my friends believe I'd be a great wife/, girlfriend, and even the guys I date say I'm a very kind and nice person ans stay friends after the breakup. So I'm at a loss

Greatesttt, most effective, foolproof solution: NOT DATING 🖕

What’s the name of the podcast she recommended?

There’s no good part in dating, being discarded is so demeaning. I dread it. It’s beautiful when you find the perfect person but what are the chances? Finding a match is one in million.

⚘❤

I have

I had a partner for a year found out from friends that he cheated on me while going to a friend's funeral I thought. He meet that women on a dating website. Anyway he never said sorry or admit it. He's a player for 7 years and a lier. But it's hard as I still have feeling for him. So I am trying to take time for myself and healing. It's hard as he lives not far from me and owns a cafe near me. Hi from Canberra Australia

Oddly enough this break up did not hurt my self esteem, as I have been building it up over the last four years and I feel I am in a great place for me. But I really found a person I believed Loved me and I her, deeply. but she ended it unexpectedly just breaking my heart, and leaving me wondering if I will ever know how to trust again.

My partner killed himself, he took everything with him, our routine, our plans, my self esteem, my belief in mankind.

She is reading on this video

7:24

We just have a number of women who can't be honest and use the "I don't want to hurt you" bs to not be honest and not take responsibility for using other people for their selfish gain.

The “ too early” I have heard was followed by “now the cat is out of the bag”; at the time I didn’t even know what that means…

So I gather all my friends to have a pitty party? Then believe them when they say I am perfect and I deserve better, when in reality they will be lying because they love me, non of my friends will be honest and tell me you gained 50 pounds you need to loose weight! ( such a miserable life to have)

I used a new person to help me pull away from and old love.

Aaand thats why i wont bother.

I did not do it

Don’t date yet if you haven’t fix your own problem with previous relationships. Especially if there children involved

Can you please set up your cameras so that you can look directly at the screen where you are reading or getting your outline from but we see you looking directly at us. It’s distracting and not fair to you to have to be looking at a screen and then trying to look directly to us in the camera. I am sure there is a camera that can videotape you while you get to look straightahead

Psychotic relationship lives. Do instead like humans did for two million years - not change partners, but add them!

I should dress up like you do, blonde, skin showing, jewellery hey you’ll attract males, maybe I should power dress up, it’s like all ypu good for,

I have