Dealing With A Parent With Dementia - Louis Theroux: Extreme Love - Dementia - BBC 

But then she went on to say "We tell white lies all day long here..." Not sure that's going to help the situation either.

+Charlie Havens if they knew the truth, they would get extremely depressed and get depressed all over again, once they were re-told it the next day. I don't think there's any problem in telling white lies, if it's just to benefit their state of mind and give them a little bit of hope.

Charlie Nonya it does. believe me

If you don't think telling white lies is part of taking care of a person with dementia then you aren't involved in taking care of one, I hope.

j rob I worked in a dementia Home for my work experience and they elders would say things to me like “when are my parents coming back” I was told I wasn’t allowed to say they died as they relive the day their parents died and they blame you and create a big scene. The means she has to tell lies like that because they won’t remember the conversation after a couple minutes. It’s almost like playing a game with them. You just have to say “your parents will be here soon”

Lol yeah bro, she looks so annoyed by everything, how can someone like that take care of these people, you’re always gonna be annoyed cause they literally forget almost everything

Hard to find....she's a treasure... I hear soo many horror stories of neglect and abuse.

@@wonderboy5603 She's the best for the job. I suppose in your bizarro fantasy world there are humans that can do this with a big huge smile and no annoyance or irritation. The people who do these jobs experience a baseline level of normal annoyance and irritation. They are the ones for the job. They experience it the least out of us all. I would be annoyed and irritated, but I would also not do a good job. She is annoyed and irritated (naturally as a functioning human) but is doing the job fantastically. It's a bit similar to the police. There is this sentiment of "the police are all a bunch of cranky assholes." Like, yes, the only humans that do that job and then stay doing it become cranky, naturally, humanly. Some don't get cranky though, some abuse their powers or become violently enraged. The best humans for the job are the ones that can do the job and experience normal human emotions, such as irritation, anger, crankiness. The ones who do not experience those emotions are severely dangerous and the ones who experience the emotions TOO MUCH are dysfunctional for the job. Humans have to be a certain way, they can't just be robots. There will always be pros and cons

That's actually beautiful.

@@bobbywoods684 thank you ❤️

Kudos to you, not a lot of people have the mental and emotional strength to do that work but it's unfortunately necessary and so important

@@johnr797 2 years later and I'm still here 🤣 my mental state is going down because of this job but I do it to support my residents

@@Memoryfog I worked with a man who was a very tough dude emotionally and physically who used to work in a dementia ward and got burnt out. He had to leave, and there's no shame in that. Remember your health is important too!

DEFEND the lady with dementia from HER DAUGHTER who actually KNOWS the condition of her mother and KNOWS she won't remember a word she says. That lady doesn't need DEFENDING from her own daughter! She needs defending from HERSELF. People with dementia are their OWN worst enemy. I KNOW. I have taken care of my mom for 9 YEARS. I would take OFFENSE of someone attempting to "DEFEND" my mother from ME because they think I should not say anything about her condition in her presence. I won't pout up with it. I have enough to deal with as it is.

Dear

I don't have dementia but I am often treated like I'm not there. Involuntary stealth mode.

What do you tell them when they're obsessed with food shopping and the food is RIGHT THERE for them to see?

Great advice. The caregiver has to step into there reality. Arguing with them does not help anyone. If you try to correct them the patient thinks you are lying to them.

@@sheranlanger247 Maybe going on that journey with them so they're not so alone in their own separate reality? When something feels familiar like food shopping it can be more about that feeling of "home" 😊

I hope you and your family are good. I see you commented a year ago. I can't imagine what it would be like if one of my parents got Alzheimer's.

Sorry to hear that. My mother is developing it now. Quick question, does it cause someone to be disrespectful and erratic behavior?

@@geezyfbaby1 yes...at times. It's a brain killer. I lost my father to dementia on May 20, heartbreaking indeed!

@@geezyfbaby1 yes it does.they get frightened and frustrated at what is happening to them.

THE person took care of you when you were small now you put him away from you smg

Please explain to me how you keep a patient's sanity in tact when they have full blown dementia? I would love to know that trick.

Excellent post. Thank you for your work. You know many of us without dementia tell white lies in the course of every day life!....to save someone's feelings... It would be cruel , for example, to tell these people the parent they believe is coming, is in fact dead.....they can't process the facts. What is the point of telling them the hard facts?

My grandma has dementia and alzheimers. She is 92. Im her caregiver. I myself tell her white lies. She at times calls me mom or sometimes diane her daughter *my mom* it gets harder each day.

Man, brain degeneration causes so much dread :(

You’d think you had dementia with all those semi colons.

I mean good for you but not everyone has an elder that only requires one care provider. Most require around the clock care that is not sustainable for a family to do. Dementia especially takes at least 6 providers all differing in special skills to keep the resident in good physical and mental health. From nurses, cnas, physicians, pathologists, etc.. maybe next time have more empathy for others situation.

@@Madzblr yes it's a lot but I did it with my Dad, we didnt have much help other than a cna to come in while we worked.. He passed in 97 but he passed at home, so everybody is different, some can handle it and some can't. either way it's hard on everybody including the dementia patient, they're confused, agitated, and scared, and we're tired, hurtiing, and scared too-- so it's all f#** up either way

I'm imagining waking up in the middle of the night and having to help my mom or dad go to the bathroom, when I have my own family to take care of, and one night of that is enough to make me go insane. Not everyone is cut out for that level of support. I'm praying everyone I know lives long healthy and most of all independent lives.

​@@darkl3ad3ryour elderly parents are your own family too

It's terrible.

If you have a house sell it and move to a smaller place and use the money to get a carer. There is helpers in housework for very cheap per month $30 Catholic Community Care in Australia, I don't know about where you live. If you have kids who are married, don't be afraid to ask if you can move in with them at a back room, but stay out of their lives and give them lots of freedom and privacy. Use up your life savings if you have any. Well that's my advice. God bless you too from Ricky in Sydney, Australia. Another option is to let a nice ASIAN university student to live with you for free or cheap on the condition that they cook for you and wash up and do the grocery shopping. Asians are very helpful generally.

My husband just passed away😢 Ty for the advice...

jeffrey63031 I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are not alone in the pain and that you can try to enjoy life and memories you have had with him.

Isabella M may all your tears fall into puddles of amazing memories, I hope you may feel some peace in your life

Ty so much Julie. God bless Always, xxx Betty

God bless you

Nona Cee excellent points

Yes my mon when we lie she gets very upset she ask for her family,husban and all her siblings

@Rodney Hamilton Good words of wisdom, any thoughts on when we have to bury the spouse, she is not quite that bad but had refused to bury her spouse before and we need to soon to hold open his spot in the burial plot. We are entertaining other ideas but we are also considering the rest of the family too, it has been over a decade she has not buried him. We know it will be difficult and she will need to be involved, we also know sometimes she is really good when we give her just the right explanation. Thanks for sharing. Blessings.

I like that point of view *Entering their reality. I found myself doing that toward the end for my husbands life..He just passed away..Now I am entering and dealing with my reality.

Someone who has a close family friend who I see ALOT an deal with ALOT, maybe not as much as someone who has a family member themself with dementia but I feel as if i am certified enough to give my opinion. If you're dealing with someone who cannot remember yesterday, white lies are needed. Instead of dealing with a depressed an angry person everyday, because that is what its like, imagine you findin out everyday that you arent going home, an its a new experience, jjust as traumitizing as the last, because they dont remember it. It's a reaction as if they never heard it before, even though its been a year of telling them. You gotta lie, it is hat it is. It isnt entering their reality, you're in their reality as it is.

That's great of you. Keep up the good work! Your kindness goes a long way!

Thank you Sarah.

Chris Mullan good on you mate !

Thank you David.

my dad had Alzheimers, so did watch and was not easy, did not know any of his children in the end, when he died it was just the long goodbye. Bless your dear mum.

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZOX2eg1nfAs.html God bless you!!

99% of those that just abandoned their family don't have a clear conscience. They have to know that 1 day they will be on the receiving end

As somone who worked in hospice, sometimes the sweetest old people were the worst parents. Children arnt required to care for somone who never cared for them. Also it's hard to deal with dementia patients as family. It gets to a point where you can't let go of the old them and you live in a constant state of deep mourning you can't get over so the next best thing is to let other people care for them. People also font have time pr money to care for another person 24/7 while they are out at work. It's just the reality of life

we are disposable and we have no voice. None of us will complete the book detailing what it is like to be diagnosed. Tip - if you geta dementia diagnosis don't tell anyone until you have been to lawyer and have someone looking out for your legal rights.

Well I don't have the heart to walk away and leave her there.i think I'm grieving the pain of bringing her there..I don't know how to cope with so much pain that I feel. 💔

Sandra Philly I have a niece he has Alzheimer's and they put him in a nursing home because he was getting out at night he was a big hunter so they have a tracking advice on his leg he cut it off they have done everything to help him what anyway the nursing home people end up kicking him out so the three sons he has and the three daughter-in-laws take turns spending the night there but this man is a very healthy man other than his mind he keeps his sons in the daughter-in-laws on the move all the time but they could have gave him a drug to knock him out at night the nursing home could have but the children said not to he lost it there one night and the following day they had to go pick him up this is a sad situation but this woman seems to be mild-mannered and a lovely woman like this man he is uncontrollable cuz he is so healthy can get around but you have to do what you have to do for your mother and father or anybody in your family it's wrong to put your family away like this even though the man is a difficult person they still take care of him they put him there at the nursing home thinking that he would like being around other people but he did not like it so they try to wear him out by taking him to stores and malls I feel bad for this lady in this nursing home

@Sandra Philly Shame on YOU for your disgustingly judgemental attitude. You don't know everyone's situation. Not everyone is able to properly meet the needs of a loved one with a complicated health issue and the only option is to let a professional place handle it. It doesn't mean they love them any less, they are just willing to admit that it is more than they can realistically handle. Your prideful attitude does nothing for anyone.

@Sandra Philly Good for you. That doesn't make you better than anyone. Stop being so ignorant and understand not everyone has the resources available to them to be able to care for someone with these illnesses around the clock. People with dementia need to be watched 24/7 or else they will hurt themselves or others. How exactly is someone who is supposed to deal with all the other responsibilities of life, like working, going to care for them at the same time too? It's so easy for you to sit from your ivory tower and judge everyone else when you don't know everyone's individual situations and how it may be only the option for them. You have all the criticism but none of the solutions. Boastful and self righteous, two very ugly qualities.

@Sandra Philly That's a picture of a comedian, you moron. You invoke God in one comment and yet use foul language in another. What a hypocrite you are and still offer no alternatives, only judgement and pride. It must be the only area of your life that you actually can brag about because the rest of it is miserable. Poor soul.

The daughters eyes lie before her words do. Grrrrr

Tineke Williams Much love to you.

Leon grubaugh Thank you, I still sometimes cry when I think of him xxxx

You are very nice and caring person!

Thank you for being kind to this man, Tineke, but beware! Today, there are criminals who dress and act like the helpless elderly, and then they may hit you and steal your car, any one of a number of bad things can happen. It is best to call authorities if you see a person who seems out of it or lost -- let them handle it -- today, you can be kind and helpful, but BE CAREFUL! It's sad, but true.

@@MJLeger-yj1ww This is excellent advice. Yes, unless you KNOW this elderly person, which it sounded like she did because she had his son's cell phone number to call him...just call the police and they can contact whomever and take care of the situation, keeping him safe. He wouldn't have wandered in his PJ's over the park at night before his son was able to get home from work, if he had been safe with the police. There's the case of criminals acting as elderly and then attacking or stealing from good Samaritans; but these are also called a "vulnerable" population, and you can be charged with kidnapping if you just pick one up off the streets (even if they agree to go with you, and you have the best of intentions) and you don't know them or they don't know you or recognize you...and the police aren't notified right away and/or the people who take care of the elderly person don't know where he/she is (because they are with you). So this was very nice of the lady and she knew him and his family...otherwise, just call the police and let them handle it.

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZOX2eg1nfAs.html God bless you both!!

That time must've been so awful for you, so sorry to hear you were on your own dealing with it. I hope that you have come out on the other side ok, big hugs

Stuart Dance me too!!

me too

😢

My mum always said that and now she has Dementia. It breaks my heart.

@@TorkG8 My mum recently died (funeral next Wednesday), and she had dementia amongst other things, but she didn't stop doing crosswords and playing Scrabble right up to the last two or three weeks of her life. I am sure that helped her retain a few extra brain cells!

Hi Lynn, how's your day going with you?

This is not that severe. I've seen much worse than this.

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZOX2eg1nfAs.html God bless!!

She doesn't seem that sweet to her daughter, which is typical. She's combative with her daughter, I can see it in her daughter's demeanor. Women with dementia often treat their daughters like shit because they blame them for their loss of independence. There's jealousy, anger, resentment... all of which are misplaced emotions owing to the dementia. Or in some cases the person was an asshole to begin with. You can't rule that out.

So true

It's very challenging. I care for my 89 year old Dad. Last 5 years since his stroke and dementia. It's another world.

@@zzygyy Yes any serious injury can devastate and also recovery from surgery and medications can devastate a mind. Prayers to you, get support too, you need to know you have energy for yourself and your loved one.

You did what was best for your father, never forget that. Wishing you and your family all the strength in the world.

Bless him father God please give him the confert he needs in Jesus holy name amen.

I really believe that when you love that hard you may think that oou haven't done enough..even if you did a lot, for your own personal standards it will never be enough... I don't know... Just going through something like this and is killing me

Hi Pam, how's your day going with you?

Your help me.. contact 9527868494

Any updates to this…how’s your mom? I’m asking because my mom has dementia and I’m 19 this year. It’s so confusing lol I’m literally just doing tons of research

I’m having the same exact problem, my family in denial that my dad has dementia. They only realizing now when it got worse unfortunately 😞

cbd

They already have the cure but wont realease it, cancer and every disease that raise the death toll keep the population down so to speak. So they wont give us the cures for that reason and its very sad.... they have sent people to the moin, made contact with countless numbers of extra terrestrial species.... i GUARANTEE you they have the cure for these ailments

B W.....oh my, what a sorry state you are in. I'm assuming, hoping, you are receiving some sort of psychiatric care. But, bless you for giving me a good hearty laugh this morning. Robert.

@@bw9062 Who do you mean by the term "they?"

We already have the "cure". Alzheimer is what doctors call a "pathology of civilisation". Which means that it is our lifestyle that favours the emergence of such pathologies. The first symptom of Alzheimer is the loss of the sense of taste. Scientific studies have linked the progression of Alzheimer to the consumption of liquid food (example smoothies, yogurt...), and in particular, the lack of chewing. You need to chew your food as often as possible. May sound stupid but the only cure for those degenerative diseases is prevention. Just like cancers, which are a multiplication of cells (encouraged by the consumption of growth factors, notably in cow milk), Alzheimer can be prevented.

Cindy S I’m so so sorry! You’ve done all you can do and have given as much, if not way more, that you have the ability to give. I’m sad that the rest of the family have let her down - and you as well. I wish you the best.

You've done great, Cindy. Your mother would be proud of you. It hurts like hell the day you put her in a nursing home, I know, been there. 😢

@@TorkG8 Thank you

Never feel bad that you chose a nursing home it's better for your health and hers taking care of a loved one is a very difficult task god bless you

@@ashleyjohnson8248 k

The entire point of a documentary like is to ask questions so the people answering can provide the information to the viewers. Would you rather he just read the wikipedia article out loud for an hour?

Unfortunately most people are unaware of the reality of dementia patients. There are still care home nurses that would argue with the patient. As the cases of dementia rise more people will need to learn how to care for someone.

It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch and Louis's normal positive ending was extremely bittersweet....these people should have the option of euthanasia if they so choose, it's such a cruel thing to experience.

Oh please. It wasn't done with any sort of insidious meaning behind it, it's just not something that you necessarily think about

65??? My parents are nearly 70, still working full time, still having fun. Most people don’t get ‘old’ until atleast 80

Steady on. I am 58 years of age and I am hoping for considerably more than 7 years of enjoyable life. I have a neighbour who is 92 and is still driving.

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZOX2eg1nfAs.html God bless you both!!

GaladrielsGems who are you responding to?

Your Mom is a selfish person I hate to say. After dealing with my Mom with dementia I can say that I would never want to put my son through what we are going through now...at the beginning fine, but later on when it gets to the middle part...put me in a home...come visit me.....the mental toll is unbelievable. And you can't compare taking care of a child to taking care of someone with dementia...I have a lot of good memories taking care of my kids...dealing with dementia...sorry can't think anything good...just all sadness and stress. Yeah, is it stressful at times raising a family, of course, but dementia...a different ballgame. I have had 3 different types of cancer...use to think that is the worse news you could get...but now I would rather have someone tell me I had cancer than dementia. Hugs to all the caregivers...and don't let others make you feel guilty when you feel you can't take the stress anymore and you have to place your loved one.

@@debbiiesiken2686 I hope you were not referring to my mom who has since passed away and 6 mos after my father passed. Yes his dementia made things so difficult but we had help from hospice and between my siblings and I we took good care of him. I was with him when he took his last breath and I never got a chance to say good bye to my mother 😢 who died on Christmas. She was not a selfish person she was my go to my friend my parent my bestie.

Babies aren't the same as adults with dementia. Also I don't owe my parents anything, they chose to bring me into this world. I didn't ask to be here, they made that choice.

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZOX2eg1nfAs.html God bless you!!

if everyone stopped lying it would be ok, we would learn to deal with the hard truth but if only a person stops lying then that will be a disaster.

Caregivers of those with dementia or Alzheimer's are taught to not lie. It causes confusion and paranoia in an already confused and paranoid person.

bonnie43uk Its essential if married man is to survive... "no darling, your bum doesn't look big in that"

As a caregiver I am told to tell them what they want to hear. We are told to not lie, but you often don't tell the client the full truth either. If the client tells me to look at that elephant over there, and it's actually her dog, I don't correct her. I ask her 'oh, the brown one?' . Sometimes though, like certain clients, I had to lie about a spouse being away instead of actually being dead. You don't lie per say, but you definitely avoid saying anything that could hurt their feelings or make them anxious.

martianbunny This was a amazing response. I'm so grateful there are carers like you in the world. My mother of 56 has had a rare form of dementia for 5 years and without the staff being so loving I don't know what I would do. So again I thankyou from the bottom of my heart x