How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia 

I’m curious how to handle them with humor or redirect them when they’re screaming at you that “My daughter never helps me” and so many awful things it’s enough to make you want to end your life when you don’t even want to be caring for these people. I know I sound like a terrible person. I don’t want to care for them isn’t it ok to walk away to save your own life. That’s my concern. I’m scared for my own life. They scream at me to do unsafe things with my body. I am so glad I found this today. I need resources.

My Dad has been diagnosed with Dementia. I took care of him for a year and just couldn't cope. He would " mark his territory" he wee' d everywhere and still does. He lives with my daughter now, she takes very good care of him. He is always packed and ready to leave. Last week he ran away from my daughter's house, he was on his way home😢. He meticulously planned his escape. I am so grateful that I came accross this video and will certainly be sharing this with my daughter. My Dad does not recognize me anymore. My main concern is that my Dad runs away again. We were very blessed to have a caring community that helped as look for and find my Dad.❤

This afternoon, I had to come to the realization that my father is pretty much neck deep in dementia. He has been a brilliant mind, very dynamic and strong. In such a short time he's now unrecongnizable. It's so scary

Thank you, Pamela! As the sole and new caregiver for my father with dementia, I am not always sure of the right things to do and feel so alone in this journey. My sister lives out of state and gets an opportunity to visit once a year. It is difficult to express the day-to-day struggles and unknowns of caregiving to her. Your videos help me understand what my father is going through, how to handle situations better and realize I am not alone in my caregiving experiences.

I wish I had found your channel sooner. My my was just diagnosed with dementia. She moved in with me for three months, but it was affecting me mentally and physically so I placed her in an ALF. Within a week at the facility, she had to be placed under hospice care. That’s how quickly she has been deteriorating. My mom has always had issues with anxiety and she’s a very negative person. Our relationship has never really been a close one and I moved out at 18. So I’m sure there were signs of the dementia that I just attributed to her character. As an only child she is my sole responsibility. I’ve realized that I made mistakes while she was under my care. For example, trying to reason with her. Sometimes it’s best to let professionals deal with our loved ones care. I made sure to look for a good ALF and I visit her often to make sure she is well taken care of.

Knowledge is power! The more I learn about this disease and how to handle someone with dementia the better it is for both my mum and I. I also have my dad who at 92 is finding it challenging seeing his wife like this. After 3 years of being her primary cargiver I would say that the hardest part has been dealing with wanting to go home and the few occasions mum has been difficult to deal with is because we didn't approach the situation properly. Now it's just easier getting in the car,even three times a day and driving around until she is tired and ready to return to her house of 62years. Saying 'no' the biggest mistake you can make in my opinion when she is agitated and wanting to do things her way. As long as it's safe I validate what she is feeling or experiencing and then try to redirect her. It usually works.....so far and she is going onto stage 6.

Thank you my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year and it’s been really hard to cope I mean when me my mum and my cousins went out to London we found out he broke down the backyard door to get in and yesterday he left and went to his friends and said we had no food and when his friends delivered him he said that it wasn’t his house. This video has been really great advice, Thank you 🙏

Thank you Pamela! As a new caregiver to my mom with Parkinson’s and dementia I needed to hear this. I understand now how it is like speaking another language and their brain doesn’t understand. I try to make jokes and keep things light as much as possible. Hugs, kisses and back rubs help put my mom in a better mood. This is the hardest job that I ever had and I appreciate seeing your videos that guide me through the next challenge. God Bless you. 🙏🏻❤️

My mama passed away yesterday thanks for your tips and advice they helped a lot

Thank you for this video. I’m struggling with my mom’s signs of dementia. Most, if not all, of the things you discussed I experienced tonight, including wanting to go home (she is) to seeing a person that wasn’t there. What you shared is helpful. My biggest struggle is understanding I need to put aside focusing on communicating the reality… I feel like I’m lying when I don’t tell her what’s real vs not. It’s a journey. Thank you again for this.

Thank god for RU-vid … I’ve learned so much . Thank you ❤️

I just found this today. My parent has vascular dementia and many behaviors are similar to what is mentioned in your video. Thank you for the information.

Dementia and narcissism do not blend well!

😢 this is so helpful! My mom just has been diagnosed with dementia! I live in Memphis & she’s in Detroit! I’m debating on getting my job transferred up there!

20 years ago? That explains so much! My mother began, in small but very hurtful ways, being just cruel to me, her middle child and only daughter, about 20 years ago. Random, senseless acts, like not inviting me on family trips, insulting me in front of others, etc. Even if I had done something really awful, these actions just wouldn't be her personal way, or so I thought. It's been going on for so long now that it's become her personality and it's definitely affected our relationship. Over the past year, the signs of dementia became much more obvious. She was still so haughty and dismissive about the appointment with neuropsychiatry: she refused to go for half a day of testing, saying it was unnecessary. Even though my father was a psychiatrist and a beloved father and husband, she indicated that, at least as to her, the whole profession was unnecessary! She finally went, but couldn't follow the directions and got lost trying to find the right desk, then was so hostile to the staff that the first hour was spent calming her down. She failed every single one of the memory tests, but did o.k. on the others. She was livid, furious at the diagnosis. Refuses to refer to the PhD who tried to counsel her as a "doctor." She associates me with the whole process, I suppose, because the hostility is barely hidden. I find it necessary to remove myself from being around her for the most part now that she'd moved into an assisted living situation. Over the past 15-20 years, it seems to me that the dementia slowly removed her inhibitions, and she simple became less able to disguise her real feelings of resentment and vengeance (her word) toward me, and less able to pretend she likes me. I wish I could believe the memories of the mother I thought I had, but she's quite deliberately done and said such hurtful, hateful things over the past 15 years or so, it's hard to care about anything beyond making sure she's safe and comfortable.

Such great ideas to stay. In-tune with moms world! Thank you!

My mum has dementia, I have been caring for her over six months now, which feels like a life time but also like it started just yesterday. Mums memory is basically gone. Her body is in amazing shape and I can see it lasting at least ten more years. Ground hog day has been our life and I'm not surviving it too well. At first her happy little oblivion smile and I don't know who you are but I'd like to be friends demeaner was charming and cute but now her calling me Mum is grating to my very soul, her foot steps in the morning are like approaching doom causing a tight knot in my stomach. I don't want to see that shell every morning, I don't want to live everyday over and over and over. She shouldn't have to either, I know that if she could see and realize what this disease has taken from her and left her with she would not want to be here. But she has no idea, my father and her repeatedly said that they would not go to a home and to my horror at the time, Dad would off handily say "you don't have to worry we will not be around when that time comes". But he left it too long because he didn't realize he was slipping, he is now in a dementia ward, my sadness with this whole ordeal is consuming and suffocating. No one afflicted with this disease would want to be living like that. I wish I could have remembered my parents the way they were and not have these memories of WHAT not who they have become overriding the ones of better times. Every day is sad, every day is like the last, everyday is just everyday. You want me to enter her world and be somebody else, to pretend that her world is where I live, to survive in her confused addled mind where day and night don't even exist? where everything she ever was, loved, saw, knew or accomplished is now just a dream or faint pop in memory somewhere in there, for one fleeting moment across a lit face that almost resembles my Mum, to see that light leave and watch that blank sagging delirium replace it once more? Your solution is to become who she is well before my time? I have no doubts that I am heading down the same path and I sincerely hope that I can save my family the same heart ache, frustration and sorrow in time before I get too far down the darkening tunnel to realize that I have dragged them into it with me. :(

An important lesson for us.My husband has been diagnosed with dementia thanks for the tips of caring as it's a painful and draining period for the family.

I’m not a caregiver but my mom who has Alzheimer’s lives in my same building so I see her daily. It’s been really frustrating and sad to see her fade away like this…

Pamela Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos, I am finding TON of excellent help with them. God bless you and the work your doing.

Very helpful. Thank You for the effort and caring to do this video.

Wow, that is VERY impressive. I am a nurse that works in long term care and that is EXACTLY how I approach dealing with care of some of our clients. The sad truth is that too many workers who work in these facilities don’t have the knowledge and or skills and become frustrated with these clients. The management expects these workers to provide care but too many don’t know how let alone understand how. I don’t believe it is their fault it is just that most don’t have the necessary training / education to deal with some of the challenging residents. Too many nursing homes are strapped for good help so the environment in and of itself is challenging. I try to educate some of the workers in funny ways and by example. I am a supervisor and I come to the floor to help out. I am hopeful the workers will see how I deal with stressful situations to know it can be done but they as workers have to do a bit of creative approaches to be successful. Thank you for such good information.

My main concern is how to GET a diagnosis when your loved one is actively blocking that at every turn? The dementia is obvious (and has been going for some time.) But the denial is deep, and no talks have netted results...they refuse to talk to their doctor...they won't be honest about what's happening, etc. I can't even get the help needed because there is 'no problem' on paper. How do you overcome this hurdle?

So sweet a touch, for them!

Very helpful will be listening to more. Just staring this journey with my mom

Ty, I’m just starting this journey.

I can't figure out how to get my mother out of her chair. She has become more sedentary every day. She always says it's because it's painful. We both have the same deteriorating joint disease so I do understand how hard it is some days to even walk. I've begged, pleaded, nagged, yelled, cried, prayed, but nothing seems to motivate her enough. We're not wealthy enough to have a full time caregiver in the home or for a good assisted living facility (which she adamantly does not want to be placed in). I just don't know what to say or do.

Your tips are helpful, thanks Pamela.

I'm the caretaker for my father who was a lifelong Alcoholic. He has not been officially diagnosed with a memory loss disease, but he absolutely has memory loss and does not practice proper hygiene, and will not allow me to help him bathe. The issue I would most like your help with though, is he continually gets the mail, goes through it, and throws away important documents. I work from home and I cannot watch him 24/7 so I don't know how to prevent this from happening. Any advice is appreciated.

Dignitas in Switzerland, begin application day after diagnosis (read In Love by Amy Bloom). Canada just changed their MAiD laws to include dementia. DON'T let dementia take you and the people you love to the bitter end.

Thanks great advice. Thanks again

Thank you for your help and suggestions..

Thank you so much for this video....i really needed it😔

What a great and timely video, thank you

Thank you so much! So much great info! A challenge we are dealing with: Mom is still at home by herself. One of us family members stops in daily. Mom can cook very simple meals like canned soup, sandwiches, fruit, veggies. However, lately we’ve noticed she’s half-way opening the pop lid of the soups, but she’s not pulling it off. Then she sticks it in the fridge. What are your suggestions regarding easy food choices that mom could handle. We’ve talked about meals on wheels. And we do bring her already prepared meals a few suppers of the week. Thank you!

You are really good Pamela.Thank you

My 91 yr old mother and her husband just moved in with my step-sister because my mom was wandering at night (they were living in a retirement community). She calls me not knowing who these people are (only been married to my step dad for 10 years), is miserable and expresses daily that she wants to die. Her mother also had dementia and my mom says she's "crazy too, just like her". We have an appointment Wednesday with a neurologist who deals with dementia and I"m hoping (and praying) that he can figure out something that will help her deal. She also is nearly blind due to macular degeneration. I"m at a loss of what I can do.

❤❤❤ Thank you so much for this video!

You are what I call an Earth Angel. You and your videos are a blessing. I'm just starting this journey with my mom and your information is invaluable. Thank you so very much. 💜

The vascular MRI showed subcortical small vessel disease, "moderate" vascular dementia. My reading suggests "Moderate to Severe". I am struggling most with the nasty guilt trips and sneering. She's is better shape cognitively than what you describe here. From what I've read, her condition likely began years ago with gait problems, and that bears out objectively. The main problem is We embarked on an off grid homestead just before we learned the true dementia situation, which her awesome sparkling Situational Competency misrepresented prior to being relocated hours from an actual town. Our homestead is barely 6 months from raw land. We sold everything to make our dreams of Regenerative Agriculture happen.

My mom keeps repeating herself several times during a short phone call. What can I do to help her? and yes it is so hard and sad to watch.

thank you 🙏🏾

Just found you.I need your video"s!-Thank you.

Great info. Thank you

My grandma, who is 87 years old insists on wanting to visit her mother (who died around 36 years ago), and always wants to go home whenever too many people visit her. I just don’t know what to say in those cases… does she believe she’s younger than she is? I’ve been just so confused to handle the situation, and I’m at loss of words because she used to be this vibrant, energetic woman.

Thank you.

Hello! Is there anyway I can have a private consult with you?

Hi, i have been searching for answers on RU-vid. Your video has been helpful, and I have shared it with my 95 yr old dad, who is mum's first caregiver. It's so difficult. She is like sticky toffee, not wanting to separate from my dad. Dad is very tired physically and mentally. He bears the brunt of her many bad days. Today, dad says she was ok, but the minute I got there, she talked about wanting to throw herself out of the window, which she often says, and going to live in what used to be her parents house, and my nephew occupies. Apart from what you explained, how can a person with depression coupled with this illness and trauma, be helped? Thank you

Thank you for this. I just found you today after arguing with my mom about something she did then having to calm down. She has a brand new dementia dx and my sisters and I are trying to figure it all out. I have so many questions, but I will just start with one, how do you get a parent to move to where all the children are so we can help take care of them? My mom lives 2500 miles away and we all work full-time and have been taking time off to fly to here so she's never alone. Not sustainable or affordable and she continues to tell everyone that she's doing fine.

Thank you so much😢

I together with my sister care for my mum who has severe dementia. She berates and threatens me whenever I try to help her, I find that confronting. I don't know what to do

My father remarried- developed dementia, his wife moved him into a new home. She has no pictures of his family and children. I'm sure this doesn't help him remember his family??

yes, i need to stop getting frustrated, but rn he's lost in a town he's never been in 2.5 hours away because he drove off this morning,..and has been driving for 12+ hours ...and i don't know why. i couldn't find him all day, and finally he picked up his phone. he forgets how to use it. It's making me sad, and i need to be more patient...it's just hard to watch him not understand things that just a few years ago he was doing for a living.

My dad died recently and mum has gone into a care home. She is awaiting diagnosis but in the meantime she is unable to care for herself. There are so many reasons why, but she can’t cook/clean/wash herself/tell the time or day and wouldn’t take any medication. She’s constantly saying she wants to go home and get a job - she’s 90. How do I deflect when she talks about going home please? Love from the UK x

My mom has dementia, and she always says wanna go back home (she's actually at home) , im so stressed and she makes phone calls so many times while i'm at work

I can see how validating their "visions" and thoughts would help, but sometimes they are violent or "see" a burglar or "a man with a knife" that isn't really there.

My mom got her Alzheimer's diagnosis yesterday she is 72. We knew it was coming as both of her parents had it. My issue is my dad (terrible hearing loss) who won't fix his hearing (his hearing aids are 12 years old). My mom also has anxiety and depression and it turns to panic when my dad can't hear her after constant repeating, he will not carry a cell phone. He is very combative and stubborn. If he can't communicate properly with her how is he to care for her? He says he hears perfectly well, but we all know that is in no way the case.

I just shared this with my dad and my siblings My mom fell and brain injury 2020 & has dementia now My biggest concern is my parents have been together for 63 years and now my mom is separated from my dad in melted care. Mom doesn’t understand why

Your tips were very helpful❤ But my grandmother cant hold conversations or undertand what we are trying to tell her.. she cant complete ber sentences, so i dont know how to enter her reality... sometimes she says she wants to go to the doctor and then we agree with her and we say that "we will go to the doctor after eating.." sometimes she cant understand.. she will say "what?" Can yiu help me with what we can do then...

Hi when do you know that your mom needs to go to frail care

what can i do to reverse this? is there medicine? food (like greens)?

That why my grand mother is so so difficult to deal with.

Hello Ms Wilson! I’ve spoken to you about my mother with dementia. It’s apparently gotten a bit worse now. Question: if she should not recognize me in the future and she’s afraid of me bc she doesn’t know who I am, what do I do to reassure her she’s safe??? I don’t want her to be yelling or screaming at me! Lol Thank you! 😀

How do you keep your senior parent from becoming frustrated and then acting on it?

A great Adventure. A great Rollercoaster!

My Mom has been diagnosed with Dementia

God this was helpful! 😂 Thank you!,,,,,!

My mom believes my home is her father's house and wants my husband out. She tells people how much she hates him. He tries to stay away from her as much as he can in his own home. She takes downs my family pictures with him in it. What to playful redirecting can I do when she is so pissed off at him and me for letting him be there.

What if you mom has dementia and she thanks drinking beer and smoking is going to get her to the load faster. What should I do?

My grandma had dementia I don’t have parent with one but I don’t want to my grandmas mom had it aswell I just hope my family gets a couple skips

Thank you

Hi If you have a phone number I’m gonna attempt to contact or reach you tomorrow I’m here with my father and his behaviors and symptoms of illness are giving the signs of Alzheimers. He has a doctors visit on the 18th, but I’m the only one here to help him right now, and this is hard

❤❤❤

How do you care for a narcissistic dementia patient? The two are a terrible combination. Impossible to do with a fun comedic side since they’re critical and offended by everything.

How do you communicate with a parent who lost their voice? I miss the days where she’d repeat herself

She doesn’t recognize me, but then I’m not the favorite child. So much fun.

I wish these behaviors you talk about were the only thing my mother was doing! My mother is ripping her family apart because of her behavior. She lies and makes up stories, so no one wants to be around her!

Hardest part; getting mom to bed safely ….

In Islam, there is a thing called Fadhilat

I’m scared bc my mom is beginning to show signs. I’m also a caregiver for my father with Parkinson’s. I’m scared

Thank you ❤

Thank you.

You hit the nail on the head!! Dementia happens 20years before the diagnosis. I have had patients with obvious dementia symptoms with no diagnosis in their chart. The doctor/nurse/ relatives have no clue. The children think that the parent is just being difficult (esp if the patient has always had a difficult personality). No one has spent enough time with the patient to notice....

Great video! I’ve been saying for years mom has something going on in her brain along the lines of dementia and unfortunately it’s hard to get diagnosed in early stages and with no cure currently it’s not the worst thing to happen but by the time my mom got diagnosed she’s gone from annoying beliefs and behaviors to almost helpless in what seemed like overnight. Seeing her now and looking back at some of her strange beliefs and actions I believe it started years ago and now all of those quirks make sense. It is stressful, it is heartbreaking and it is hard work but I truly believe the more we can educate ourselves the better it is for all concerned❤️

Had to find a place to vent.. Momma just passed.. An I am so lost.. I miss you momma .. rite now we be sharing time when there were no words.. I spent the past 6 years with you every.. We were a great team.. You were adorable.. I enjoyed getting to reaily know you.. An it broke my heart watching you leave.. I watch the shows you watched.. An I can still hear you yelling at the TV . I remember you..dumping iced tea on Brenda in the closet.. You loved to hate her.. Laughing an clapping your lil hands to Golden girls.. It was a hard journey for you . Moments of clarity.. were the worst at times . My goal was to make sure your end was happier then the beginning.. An it was . You smiled a lot .. Had loads of fun...I spoiled you rotten:) You had to go .. friends were waiting on you.. An I am.heer trying to pull.it together . An to top it off remember Janice ..momma?? My 17 year old Bassett .. She got run over the other day momma.. It was horrible.. So I miss you both.. Maybe she's with you an hope.. I Love YOU 💗 Fly free momma

Thank you for addressing this topic. My initial response is to try to have a logical conversation with mom and address things step by step. Apparently, I need to try your approach

I want to imitate Dana Carvey’s old SNL skit “The McLaughlin Group” and shout “WRONG! NEXT ISSUE!!” but she’s my mom and, despite the fact that she used to LOVE that skit, and Carvey in-general, I doubt she’d like it coming from me now. I’m very new to this whole situation-mom is an 88 year old retired (and much beloved) college English professor of 37 years, and she always prided herself at being able to help anyone with questions about grammar, writing, spelling, vocabulary, etc…and it’s so hard to watch her struggle to find a word and not be able to remember things we discussed only minutes before. I’m her only caregiver, she lives with me and my son, I work full-time and recently took a massive pay cut in exchange for a 3 day per week, 12 hour per day position that allows me to be home with her Monday through Thursday. She also has bronchiectasis-a chronic lung disease-and she’s never smoked a day in her life. She had an cerebral angioplasty two years ago and still has a small aneurysm in her brain that hasn’t been operated on. She is completely deaf in her left ear and 65% deaf in her right. Last week I had to rush her to the ER due to what I thought (and my neurologist cousin also thought) was a stroke. After 48 hours in the hospital she was released with a diagnosis of “vertigo.” I am trying to learn how to talk with her without upsetting her or becoming frustrated and angry myself. Thank you for publishing this information. Truly.

Thank you for your videos. I'm an independent contractor/consultant & am blessed enough to bring my 81 yr. old mother with me to work, & we live together. I've noticed signs of dementia at a significant rate in a short 3 month period. Thankfully my 25 yr. old son lives with us & helps me tremendously. Your videos have helped me to teach my son better ways to understand & communicate with his beloved grandma. Mom just told me yesterday that she's laughed with me more in one day, than she has in a year without me. My son & I are avid believers in the power of humor 🤣 & love to laugh. We just keep on loving her & laughing & praying 🙏. God bless you for all you do.

My Dad is now in a Memory Care Unit, and mostly is sweet, caring, very settled and happy to be there making new friends. However, we have had to cut off a former friend/girlfriend and he's upset with us for not helping him get in touch with her. It's so hard! But this lady was trying to get his money, yelling at him, yelling at staff ... way over the top with her own emotional problems. So - I guess you could say my number one concern has been the times we've had to step in and "parent" my dad because his sense of good judgement is gone. He was always such a wise and intelligent person. A lot of that is still there, but he's totally vulnerable and childlike in other ways.

How to care for a parent that is very defensive towards others?

IM FRUSTRATED BECAUSE MY MAMA HATES ME NOW AND THINKS I BORROWED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND NEVER REPAID HER SO I GET THREATENING TEXTS AND CALLS ALL THE TIME! SHE WANTS TO PUT ME IN JAIL! YOU GOT A SOLUTION FOR THAT????? Sorry. My heart is breaking and I need to vent!

Do you tell them the truth or go along with the delusions? My mom kept saying that my dad is around her. She’s been doing this off and on for two years now. I don’t know what to say to her. My dad passed in 2022. She does know he’s gone. But it seems the dementia takes over at times. She remembers most long term memories but forgets short term things like what she ate that morning. She has an MND (it’s called PSP - Progressive Supranuclear Palsy) and the dementia is beginning. You are so right about her knowing when I’m upset. Once when she told me my dad was sitting there with her, I almost lost it and began to cry. I hid it quickly and moved to another part of the room. When I turned back I saw that she was watching me and her eyes were huge and intent on my face. I hugged her and she held my hands and wouldn’t let go. I had the feeling that she knew the truth and knew I was suffering. I love her so much… my heart is breaking. Every day.

I can deal with everything.i tell her a joke everyday I can’t do the dressing stuff anymore I’m a bloke

It will be nice when we can be fun and funny with her, but right now we’re trying to get her from her home to a care place, and it’s been maddening! We’ll use this advice once she gets there, though. Thank you!

Wow. I wish I had heard this a few years ago. I was never good at getting out of my logical head to meet Mom in her space. Because of the lifelong tension in our relationship, I had very little patience, and we were both perpetually frustrated. She died a couple of months ago. Had I known better, perhaps I could have offered her more comfort in her last years.

Very helpful. Thank You. I’m new to this and far from the assisted living facility

I was having a conversation with my half brother recently about his mother who is 85 and he was telling me about her being forgetful and making remarks about him and his other siblings that she otherwise wouldn't if her cognitive function had been in tact like before the diagnosis. I told my brother that he and his brothers and sisters have to keep in that mind that when she says something that might sound out of character for how they know her to be that they can't take it personal because most of the time the disease is dictating what her thought process is and thus come the perhaps unkind remarks about her children

This is the right approach, all do not easy, specially at the beginning, we have a sense of humor and that how we deal with out LO and have managed to actually kind of understand her new language.

I'm in Florida and my Dad is in Ak. Today waiting for Dr. conference on what to do with Dad, the distance is difficult but he has friends there.

Hello. Pamela, welcome to America.