I used to struggle a lot with gaming-induced anger outbursts. While I was more open to communication than the husband in the post, I identify a lot with what the wife says in the edit: "he's mad at himself for failing and that anger is spilling over." It's really more shame that's being converted to anger bc that's what men are socialized to do, like Dr K says in the video. It took me several years of therapy to realize that my main issue was tying my self worth as a person to my performance, not just in school or career, but in every competition including video games. I would guess the husband is doing the same thing. While I still tie my self worth to that a lot of the time, my anger outbursts have almost totally disappeared by combining avoiding exposure to exceptionally triggering experiences (competitive gaming vs strangers, especially without friends as teammates), catching the warning signs early and stepping away, and most importantly, regularly telling myself that I am more than my performance and that games do not define me. I admire the wife for being willing to help her husband grow. Having someone who won't instantly reject you for stuff like this is incredibly helpful, and for me personally, guilt about upsetting or scaring those around me was a big motivating factor for me to work on myself. I hope the husband honors her commitment and puts in the work to carry out the growth he needs.
@@noclipp it's not about enduring the games really, that's just an end product to the mindset from my understanding. The process starts with your self evaluation, you can choose to base your self worth on gaming, but then you can't expect it to be "recreational" or "fun" anymore, because now you've created an aspect of self-assessment and value for it, so your mind can't be at ease while performing it, your mind now plays it as if it affects your life. So it begins everytime you're done gaming, ask yourself what you feel about having gamed, and why you feel so? If you do feel overwhelmed, are those really your own feelings, or is it because you are internalising others comments and impressions of your performance? If you feel hurt or ashamed, why? What happened when you underperformed, did it affect your position in life, your relationships, or are you just making a monster of the moment and experience in your head. At the end of the day, the value you have is what you see yourself to be more than anything. The same could apply for anything, even sports, unless you're doing either competitively, and you just wanna have fun, it's not the game or the sports that is frustrating, but your perception of their impact on you as a person. Edit: TEAM SKY IS HERE
@@kappaprimus Genuinely thank you for writing this. I've also struggled from gaming rage. Although I haven't ever broken anything or taken it out on other people, these crisis moments are really stressful and knock me out mentally for a few hours after. I've tried to understand these reactions better but have never realized what to do, I think your comment is just what I needed.
The broken screen was a direct attack on me. I had so much anger and rage. I no longer play games that make me mad, and I no longer have social media. It helps so much. You have no idea how much happier I feel now.
Yeah, I found the best solution to gamer rage is to recognize when the anger is in it's infancy and switch to a different game, or even a different hobby.
I used to hit shit and really rage as a kid. But it's rare that i even dwell past the "Well thats fucking bullshit, comment". If i do dwell i recognize that itd usually not the game but me dwelling on my issues throughout the day
I broke my tv out of gamer rage when I was like 8 years old and was forced to pay for atleast part of it by my parents. Have never ever ever damaged any of my devices out of anger since.
@@scalpingsnake Both. It heightened my emotions and made me lose so much restraint. I think it causes really significant emotional changes even once you're off it for a while.
Holy cow! The point you made about sitting beside your partner when having a discussion hit home! I stumbled across this idea somehow naturally while my wife and I were having an argument - we have had a tendency to stand or sit face to face when having arguments or heated discussions, which for me always felt like an adversarial exchange. During this argument, I asked her to sit next to me on the bed, like she is my friend instead of my enemy, and it changed the entire tone of the rest of the conversation. It was almost like magic, so, based on my experiential evidence, I would say there is something to this.
It's precisely as you described, standing directly across from someone is adversarial - like you'reabout to engage in a fist fight. So our primal brains gear up for that. Where if they're sitting at your side it puts them literally on your side. The people you would go into battle with - not against. It puts a whole new light on the concept of a round table discussion, which literally puts most people at the table to your side rather than across from you.
I hate how complex humans can be for social things like this. There are so many different rules like this that most everyone follows, but would never know it. Really makes me think I should get diagnosed with ASD or something. Feel like I have to manually do so many things in social interactions.
@@gabemerritt3139 I would like to encourage you by saying that it took my wife and I going on over 10 years of marriage and many similar exchanges over those 10 years for the realization to hit me that having face to face discussions felt more like fighting than solving problems, and required me to deliberately think through my own emotions and what was causing them to finally figure it out. I, too, am frustrated by the complexities of human interaction, at times, and how our subconscious minds tend to dictate how those interactions play out - you are not alone. It seems to me, based on things I've heard and read and spoken to people about, that much of our relational behaviors, good or bad, stem from our interactions with our parents and to a smaller extent, siblings and friends, as children - our brains absorb their patterns of relating to one another or, NOT relating to one another, and then we have what we have as adults. However, with a little bit of mindfulness, a healthy dose of humility and some patience with myself (and from my spouse), I am finding that my own relational patterns can be adjusted and made healthier. But it can take a lot of time, patience, and conscious effort. For me, that was the key - Conscious effort. Coasting has always gotten me nowhere. All that being said, I do not want to downplay your concern about seeking an ASD diagnosis. I understand that being on the autistic spectrum exacerbates relational issues terribly, and you have my sympathy. If you believe you struggle with symptoms relating to being on the spectrum, by all means seek a doctor and see what they can do to help. There would be no shame in that at all. The more you know about yourself and what you deal with, the easier it will be to get to where you want to be. Anyway, a bit long, but I wanted to give a thoughtful reply and encourage you. I hope I have done so.
@@gabemerritt3139 as the other poster said: all humans struggle more with interactions internally than is often displayed externally or talked about. If you go to a therapist or get an assessment PLEASE remember the point of a diagnosis is to identify what is going on so that you can grow and change and NOT a condemnation or a life long label of “broken”
@@JamesDecker7 I've had alot of exposure to autism recently, two roommates with Asperger's, my girlfriend's sister, a co-worker. That I relate so much to how they feel, and seem to get along/understand them more than most is half my reasoning for questioning it. But at the same time, maybe that level of social awareness means I don't, idk.
I've experienced gamer rage, but that was also because I was dealing with emotional problems - such as feeling alone, alienated, or having low self-esteem. Where the thought of "Wow, I'm not even good enough for a video game." just makes my blood boil and undermines any enjoyment out of the activity I once used to enjoy... That doesn't excuse taking it out on the wrong source though. I can't imagine being in a happy relationship and still responding this way to a bad night of gaming. You've won, man. You got the girl. Learn to emotionally connect, or you're gonna lose... Man... I feel like everyone should spend a few years in their early 20's alone. Growing pains suck, but you really learn a lot about yourself.
@@RIPxBlackHawk plus the fact that some gamers would be toxic even out of the game, don’t get me wrong about competitive shit talking is alright but getting personal about it is too far
@@1234fivedude I think the point is to get under your skin. So in your specific case the most appropriate would be to get personal and take it even outside the game. I think what you are talking about is banter, which usually is lighthearted.
I think "you've won. you got the girl" is a bit belittling. Not everyone's lives require just a partner to be fulfilled. I know a lot of people on the internet really want to find a girlfriend for example but that doesn't mean people who already have one can't feel lonely or isolated or unfulfilled or any number of negative emotions.
@@vladys5238 If you still feel that way in a relationship with someone like the reddit poster from the video, then the relationship probably isn't going to work out in the long-run. There's literally nothing wrong with you or her or anyone, it's just that the chemistry between you two isn't working out... It'd be much healthier to split up and work on yourselves independently than it would be to become co-dependent on each other and the toxic relationship - basically Stockholm Syndrome. The whole point of dating is to feel fulfilled with yourself and to help fulfill another person - we've evolved past just basic reproduction. If you're only dating her just because it feels necessary or like you're required to always have a partner, then those are the wrong reasons. It's not hard to find anyone. It's the hardest thing in the world to find the right one. I'm not saying there's only one, or some True Love BS, but finding someone who "vibes" with you is one of the hardest things to do, and it's actually much healthier to be alone than to be in a turbulent relationship. Don't get me wrong. It still sucks to be alone. But it's better than torturing each other, imo.
After becoming more aware of my emotions thanks to Dr. K I can kind of use video games as a litmus test for my mental state. If I lose a match of LoL and I'm a just frustrated or annoyed that's normal and fine, but If I'm actually angry or distraught that probably means there's something else bothering me and I need to step back and figure it out.
I was thinking the same thing. I was expecting more analysis concerning the gamer's problem from Dr. K, but obviously the one posting was the wife, not the gamer. It'd be interesting to hear what he has to say for people who find themselves getting more stressed about "losing in a video game" (or failing a hobby) primarily when life external to the game/hobby is more stressful. I would guess that he'd go the route of "you are putting your self worth in your success/ego lecture," but I think there is more to it there.
Yeah, I’ve noticed this with myself and my husband. If I’m already frustrated by something else in my life, my rage threshold is very low; normally, I’m pretty mellow, because I know I’m average at best and am usually just competing against myself. My husband doesn’t usually rage, but he gets incredibly morose and defeated and starts wondering why he’s wasted so much time gaming if he’s going to suck at it. But usually those feelings are coming from depression caused by situations outside the game entirely-e.g., he’s been worried his career is stagnating and isn’t sure what to do next. (Similarly, if I’m already physically tired, I’m far more susceptible to game-induced headaches or motion sickness. Better to just go to bed at that point.)
I identify very much with the husband. I've found out that narcissism and untreated ADHD made me very irritable and once I was emotionally activated I had difficulty disengaging because I was hyperfocusing on all the things I or my teammates did wrong.
Yea, (no judgement) I think gamer rage is a pretty good indicator for narcissism. There’s a difference between rage over frustration and rage that you’re not doing good as you think you are. Which I think is the cause of most gamer rage.
I'm going to say, that based on my own experience (the rage of myself and others) is that rageful gamers tend to be people who struggle with their emotional regulation in other areas of their life, too. Therapy, medication, improving cognition, etc, which tend to improve their IRL life is likely to improve the gaming rage, too. Going to therapy also fixed a lot of my toxic behaviour online.
After 25 years of gaming non-stop, I've finally uninstalled Steam, deleted all my Emulators, put all my consoles in the closet and removed all game apps from my phone. Now I'll try to pick up drawing, reading and writing instead. The thing that made me take such drastic measures was the fact that Single Player games would bore me and Multiplayer games would ALWAYS frustrate me. Games used to be my comfort activity but now they've become a painful addiction that I need to remove. Not gonna lie, I feel "withdrawal symptoms" like restlessness at night or feeling anxious when I'm not doing anything, but I know this is the best for my health. Best of luck to everyone. May you succeed in all your goals.
This is SO impressive and good. Just wow what a primer on how to handle conflict in interpersonal relationships and how to communicate effectively and potentially solve serious anger issues. I feel like this could help SO many people.
This hits really hard. I'd like to think of myself as a mature adult but I still find myself raging and getting violent at video games. Every time it happens it feels like the infantilization of myself. What sucks the most is the inconsistency of it. One day I'll die a couple times while soloing some tough missions on warframe and i'll just shrug it off. The next day I'll put a dent in my desk because I died once. I have friends and family members who get mad more often at games though and I understand how awkward and stressful it can be on the other side of the spectrum. I'll have to look into these tips for future situations, thanks for the advice Dr. K.
Could be worth (I am just guessing here) to write a little journal of what you did that day, what you enjoyed, what annoyed you etc and also write down what days/when you had one of your rage outburst. You may find a correlation to why you rage more on specific days.
Yeah same. I have no idea why I sometimes can tolerate bs/losses some days but others absolutely not. (I know sleep can be a big factor but that hasn't always been the case.)
@@4xzx4 Yeah, I've noticed the days I wake up less groggy are the days I rage less. It doesn't help that it can be completely random because I usually get a solid 7 - 8 hours every night.
@@obscurecreation2166 Np :) It's used to diagnose all sorts I would imagine, learned in from Doctors trying to figure something else out about me. Makes sense if you think about it, I think we don't realise how much we forget about day to day.
This is what happened with me and my ex. Except he yelled at me and didn’t ignore me. He also didn’t have fun unless he was winning and it really took a toll on us. We’re broken up for some other reasons, but he was also emotionally undeveloped and this was eye-opening.
Spot on that the knee jerk reaction is to tell them to leave the person. It's so easy to say that because we don't have the full context, chances are there is a fault with the person writing equal to what their issue is with the partner, we just haven't heard about that.
Good video as always! As a suggestion, I hope these videos can start being uploaded without chat. (even if on a second channel or in an unlisted playlist.) The chat can be very distracting, and often times I have a hard time keeping my attention on what Dr. K is talking about. I close chat when I watch stream for that very reason, and I'm sure there are others who may feel the same way.
I always thought games were meant to be, you know....fun. When people take it too seriously ((unless they’re playing competitively of course but still)) to the point they HAVE to win each game/time and then gotta take out their frustrations on others it’s a big turn off for me or you know something is wrong. I know someone in my family who has bad gamer rage and it’s just sad.... Thank you for these videos, Dr. K; you are doing so much wonders for us :)
I think people have low self worth they get their self worth tied up in the results of the game. When you do well it feels validating in a way and when you lose all the sudden your not getting your validation fix anymore, so you get a flash of feelings of worthlessness and it causes rage.
the gap between competitive and just playing a video game in the last 5 years has become very, very slim. im probably showing my age here a little but when people had to use 3rd party systems to find pugs or scrims or matches whatever. be that mIRC, cevo tf2lobby etc etc the only people that had turbo gamer sweat rage were the people that went out of their way to play in this type of environment. with the way ranked matchmaking has come into just being an option on the multiplayer screen now its just a larger sample size. tl;dr -- ranked MM queues in current video games has made the "i cannot separate my ego from my ELO" problem massive.
I don't have to win, I just want teammates that actually work together to TRY to win. It's when people give up early, or never work with the team, or they call me trash for playing a character that I'm doing well on but isn't "meta". It's really annoying when you get people like that multiple games in a row...it gets to you. 😒
Honestly, i am *soo* glad that this rarely happens to me. I don’t let “gamer rage” bother me, and i try to actively avoid games that do so. The only exceptions are souls-likes, because i love a good challenge. And if i do get mad at a game, it usually doesn’t last very long, all i do really is complain about for a couple of hours.
Great, I hope they get through this. If so, there relationship will be much stronger and they know how to handle conflicts in the future. good to have this with 23, not with 38 and two children, if you fail than, it is a much bigger problem.
Really appreciate that Dr K made the note that instantly suggesting divorce is unfair. I personally HATE it when people give this answer. I was married extremely young as well (I was 22 she was 20), and I've been married now for 11 years this month. We did things that drove the other one INSANE when we were younger. It sucked bad... but working through those issues early not only taught us HOW to work through things in general, but also taught us both things about each other and ourselves that we never knew, and that we could then work on. The biggest reason why we lasted? Because we both know with zero doubt that we're both in it to the end for each other. My wife is the love of my life, and I know I am hers. There's no doubt, no trust issues, and because of that, we have a common goal to overcome all hardships we meet. If one of us gets annoyed, mad, or depressed and has an outburst over it, we know at the end of the day, we're both in it together, and we'll both do our best to FIX THE ISSUE, and not selfishly ignore it/avoid the other person. Personally, I think the quickness to consider divorce is a root cause to some of the major issues we have today in society. If you're that quick to cry "divorce," then you were never committed in the first place, and if you weren't committed in the first place to MARRIAGE, the thing you are supposed to be THE MOST committed to, then what exactly are you willing to be committed to? Marriage has become extremely cheap to a lot of people, who treat it as though it's just a "next step" in a relationship. In reality, it should be a bond you and your loved one forge with the express purpose of helping each other to become better and achieve their goals, all while growing individually.
Advocating for a fellow gamer👍 It's probably not exactly about the "game" like she said, he's probably depressed due to other stuff like COVID making his life suck, and the small downside of "failing" at video games is disturbing his recharge or happy time, being good at stuff makes him feel good, so yeah, if that doesn't happen, that's one more thing that he thought would go well but didn't. She's an innocent bystander in this situation, it sucks and is not fair that she has to suffer because of this. That's my 2 cents. He should definitely seek some kind of help if he doesn't want to push her away
Agree with most of this so much. The only thing that is a little different is that she’s not exactly an innocent bystander. She’s blaming herself for absolutely no reason, so part of the issue here is inserting herself into the situation when it’s not needed. I’m not saying his responses are appropriate or that there are not other issues going on, but she’s trying to make this about her when he’s trying to do his own thing.
For a long time couldn’t play games without getting mad. I stopped for years. Recently I tried games like Hades and Souls. Going into it knowing it would be hard and that I’d lose many times really helped. I practiced laughing every time I died; I was here to fail. That made every progress feel like a reward, not something I was owed yet denied. It really helps when things in life make me frustrated. Go in knowing you’ll fail but know you’ll get better with each try.
I was horrible with gamer rage, especially in league. A few times i even played muted in the discord call because I just didn't want that to spill over to my friends. Ironically, being a silent observer showed me just how ridiculous and annoying gamer rage is, as my friends tended to get heated as well. That sort of adjusted my mental attitude and I became essentially untiltable because I applied no real value to my performance in the game, or anyone else's for that matter. Around this change in heart I also peaked just under Radiant in valorant before starting to notice myself getting frustrated with competitive video games again. I just decided to use the nuclear option, and banned myself from ever playing those games again. Life has never been better TBH. Its unfortunate that these games are so addicting that it takes spousal intervention in some cases to get them to stop.
I found that I had to quit the game that put me in these raging episodes. I can't stop the rage, but I can prevent it. I can play something else that's less competitive. I find that the more time I put into a game, the more easy it is to become frustrated with myself when playing it. But I also have to be willing to step away once I realize how big my reactions are becoming. Overall, I've become a more relaxed gamer the past 6 years and still have plenty of gamer time that I enjoy so much.
I could never consider any woman putting up with gamer rage, and this frustration I feel towards any mistake I can make. And when I see people with similar struggles capable of having relationships and a partner that wants to help them it makes me profoundly sad. How is it even possible for someone with these levels of rage to even HAVE a relationship in the first place ? ? ?
I quit dota and league and other competitive games where you relied on teammates, and stopped being angry. It's that easy. I was addicted to league for over 10 years, playing since it was in closed beta and I played a lot of dota and cs ever since lan cafe and garena times, so it's not like I wasn't invested.
I had a very brief period of suffering from gamer rage during freshman year of high school, and the thing that got me to stop was when I broke the retractable shelf that the keyboard rested on. Seeing what I did really shocked my system and stopped it real quick
@@ncrtrooper7153 I agree with that, I’ve been playing competative FPS shooters since I was 9+ years old, gamer rage has only happened when I play games like cod.
This reminds me of sales. One doesn't want to teach or direct or "jump straight to solutions" until after they trust you, which is basically when the sale is pretty much done, and one is selling a product or solution.
One of the best ways is not playing games that upset you, if the game causes you to suffer in some way, it’s not for you, I learned to avoid or drop such games fast and play game that make me feel good, enthusiastic, happy, relaxed or even scared and sad, but not angry or bored, games that piss you off or make you bored are not worth your time.
My mum gave me this conflict management advice (which she learned from her career), never make assumptive statements. Only state your perspective, your feelings, your interpretations. The way accusations are phrased generally doesn’t follow this rule. Worked wonders between my siblings and I.
damn my family dynamic really is rough bc I already know that if I tried to sit next to my siblings during a serious convo, they would just tell me to back away bc they need space 😶
For me, I get angry at games because I feel pressured to be good all the time,so when there are times where I do badly,it would linger,and people would take notice. We're in the age of gaming where skill is everything and losers are to be shunned. Gaming is considered more of a sport than a pastime,so if you get toxic people,you need to up your game or be humiliated by them. It's a toxic cycle. I was knew someone who told me I was mediocre no matter what I do, so as I result, I took everything seriously,I became toxic to friends and even random people I meet because I'm afraid of humiliation. I don't want to be seen as a Milsim in a cod warzone trailer. I want to be seen as one of the main characters. In this era of competitive gaming,I don't think I'm cut out for this crap especially when eSports has to be the only sport out there that humiliates those who lose
I'm interested in what Dr K is going to say about this, but imo chronic gamer-rage type behaviour is a huge red flag, should be a deal breaker, and is completely unacceptable.
My boyfriend is a hardcore League player (WOW and such too) and I struggle a lot with his ways of reacting when something "bad" happens in the game. I play league too and I get tilted too, but I'll be mad towards the game and won't impact him with my behavior, whereas he cannot control himself. He can be so sweet and loving, but when he starts playing he just become a weak mentaly player. He won't even take critiscism about his league behavior and will try to justify it. Anyway, thank you for your video!
In the moment your hormones mess with your head. Your brain can't work right when you are filled with your body's anger drugs. Well, some people can deal with it. Other people are reduced to animals who can grunt in a way that sounds like speech.
The more I watch Dr. K, the more I realize that "having an special one" has not much difference from having a good friend(specially for asexual people). the main differences are the sex, the making out and the kisses. This sums up to roughly 4 hours of relationship(if you are super active!). If you live with them 24 hours, The other 20 hours is pretty much the same as having a good friend. I do some things that Dr. K says in the video with my brother, and our relationship is awesome. It is the only thing that keeps my anger at my parents at bay. Without that, life would be a living hell.
My partner also has some amount of roadrage/gamer rage. But I feel like it has so little to do with me, that it doesn't hurt me at all. I'm rather tilt proof in general, and can also separate when he's angry at me and when he's just generally emotional. And he is also aware of his emotions, has gone through therapy and realised when I'm upset sometimes before I myself do. But that's now. He also came a long way since we started dating over 8 years ago. There were points in time when my friends were worried that he's too intense and asked how I can live with that. But he never showed any aggression towards me and was really sweet the rest of the time and perceptive to constructive criticism and gentle guidance. Like, if he got loud in the car I reminded him, that I'm the only one in that car with him and that technically he's screaming at me and laughed it off and usually he immediately calmed down. But initially, he didn't get along with any of my friends and was quickly frustrated and I get that a 6'3 angry looking man might make people worried. But he's a puppy at heart. Therapy and finding the right anti depressant helped him a lot and I guess me being as patient as I am did it's part as well. But... WE DO NOT PLAY LOL TOGETHER ANYMORE. (I play since season 2 and he started playing so we have a game we can play together. That did not go well. The community really sucks. XD)
"I kinda got mad" So having another game controller handy, I suggest there be soft small plushies in the room they could throw if the gamer gets angry. In the past it was the hard working man - husband who came home & kicked the family dog, slammed doors, punched door due to anger at boss/work environment. Its called "displacement." Defusing the anger felt.
I play a ton of competitive games (overwatch, apex, league, valorant) and I never rage because I have the mindset of improving myself and not aiming to win. It's like sports - obviously you'd want to win, but that's not your goal. Your goal in sports is to perform well and improve, and if you win then that's a great side effect. I feel like people don't follow this mindset - they're aiming to win, but they also don't come to terms that there are so many factors out of their control (other teammates, luck, etc.) that they're aiming for something very much out of their control. (this only applies to team-based games btw, individual free-for-alls or something doesn't apply b/c you don't have teammates) I mean a mindset change is def the hardest change to make, emotional regulation helps a lot too
In french there is this saying '' Les '' tu '' tue les conversations '' its a play on words and roughly translates to '' The '' you '' kill conversations ''
Things were so much easier when only had dial up Quake and Doom deathmatch...ie very limited online competitive gaming. I never used to get upset at being only mediocre at a Star Fox 64 or at 007 Goldeneye or Mario Kart when I was in those prime teenage and early 20s. Never wanted to throw my controllers at the wall or anything like that. I think the problem is the full end to end time it takes to start the game up, get into a lobby, wait to be matched up, loading and syncing time, wait for the match to start, and then you finally have this tiny little 3-5 minute period slice to play a competitive match. I never started having raging feelings until I'd play Overwatch or Splatoon or Hero's of the Storm (and I'm in my 40s now, where my T is supposedly on a decline). An incredible amount of time is wasted in just in a waiting state to play online games. I'd say your waiting time equals or even exceeds the playing time. Just to be clear, I'm not condemning time spent playing a game, it's just the time wasted waiting in menus to play the game.
Of course it does! It's the same type of feeling we get on the road or highway when your following behind some slow and stupid dump truck going 15 mph up a hill on a 60 mph road that you usually go 70 mph on during rush hour. The T is what makes you consider quickly passing over the double line to bypass the truck.
@@mattb9664 Sounds a lot more like high cortisol behavior to me. Not uncommon in the higher ages. It's anecdotal, but when I'm feeling healthy and high T, I am more social than at any other point.
The husband needs to quit playing multiplayer games. I suffered from gamer rage and I found it only manifested when I played competitive online games. After I stopped playing those types of games my gamer rage is gone. I know this is my personal experience but I hope it will help someone.
Abstinence doesn't fix the problem. It is likely that he will still rage-out in other stressful activities/social situations/workplaces/etc. Personally, I've found that narcissism and untreated ADHD were the underlying causes of my irritability.
@@ErebosGR Indeed, abstinence as a solution is just a form of evading the issue rather than fixing it. It may work, but the issue will resurface even outside of gaming. Besides, quitting a game you like because of this isn't something you'd generally prefer doing. Either way the right way to go about it has to involved fixing the issue at it's core
I noticed that I tend to rage when I playing a game, typically a live service game, that has a limited time event to complete. I tend to take my rage out on the people that I’m playing with calling them every single letter in the alphabet. I am guilty of that and it stems from me being super competitive and can’t see anything but winning. I’m driven emotionally by results.
Guys take it from me I have experience, having this conversation is a lot easier than describing it. You’re literally just connecting on an emotional level so you can combine your mind and soul to find a mutual solution that helps both of you grow. I do this all the time with my girlfriend. We’ve gotten through so much together, though not this exact thing
The reply I wanted to give was simply "oh, that's all..." I'll expound by saying, this comment comes across very non-empathetic to those of us that find "connecting on an emotional level so [we] can combine [our] mind and soul" to be an incredibly difficult practice. Some of us grew up in households where emotions were weaponized and (faux-)stoicism was a natural trauma response. Others of us never had a relationship with a primary caregiver and now we are hindered by our faulty & incomplete beliefs, expectations, emotions, etc. about ourselves and our relation to others. (My wife and I each fall into one of those categories). Others of us have been bent & reshaped by toxic and abusive relationships as adults. Whatever the reason, and the list is a lot longer than that, emotional connection can feel difficult and at times impossible. For those people, myself included, comments like this can feel demoralizing. I will end by saying, working up to and having those conversations are still worth having -- even if they feel impossible at the moment.
@@himynameisdavenicetomeetyou you’re right, it’s not easy, I shouldn’t have phrased it so sarcastically as to make it sound trivial, that was a mistake. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to walk that back. I do not always find it easy. I have recently found it Hera easier with practice but in the beginning it was definitely very scary and uncomfortable. I’ve been through a lot of scary and uncomfortable things and this was comparatively easy for me personally but you’re right, it was a mistake for me to express it the way I did and I apologize
I'm sorry but can we get videos without chat? Like just do a microsoft paint black box over it... it's realy annoying try to pay attention when the comments are just a bunch of trolls, I know it's mostly people having a good time, but please make the videos without chat
Hey I got a topic I would like your input on if possible, I know you’ve done a lot with adhd and I was curious on how to deal with rejection and how it effects adhd. More or less rejection sensitivity dysphoria and how to overcome it. If you see this and it’s something you might make a video on I’d love to see it if not and you still see this thanks for all your videos and I hope your day is going well.
*TL;DR: this is an issue that has to be tackled from a different angle and eliminated in it's core, the core likely being rooted in biological/physiological processes, that are negatively impacted by modern behavior, media, and food.* ------------- This is the first video I where I sat through the entire thing in spite of my bad attention span because it speaks to me more than anything I can think of. I am defined by this type of rage, this type of behavior. Poor attention span. Impulsivity. Irritability. Lack of planning skills. Lack of motivation. Entirely aware of emotions, and what I would consider to be emotionally mature, yet entirely incapable of controlling my emotions effectively in situations where this type of behavior, as explained in the video, is engaged. And most importantly, the RAGE. First of all, this isn't limited to video games. Anything where I invest myself into enough will be the same. It's not a game exclusive thing. Some other symptoms that I believe are related to this that I am experiencing are the following: - Occasional trouble with making sense of what people are saying - Trouble reading and comprehending what I just read - Trouble finding the right words to express myself, resulting in lots of "uhhh"s and "ehhhh"s where I'm trying to find a word - Much slower at typing than I'm used to be, in terms of finding the right words to say - Bad general memory - Less empathic than I used to be - Extremely dependent on "drugs": in my case, fast food, sweets, and never-ending content online to feel stimulated - always feeling the need to eat or watch something (usually both at the same time) I have gone through so much growth as a person in the past few years. I've truly WANTED to grow better and learn, to make do things better than my parents did, and I think I succeeded. But when the rage hits? Everything changes. Not in a split-personality type of sense, but in a way where my rational brain clearly knowns "This isn't right, and I don't want to feel this way", yet controlling the rage becomes and unfeasible and most importantly DESTRUCTIVE task. Whenever I try to surpress it, the effects become even more devastating. And this is where other people come in. They don't understand. To them, you are the man child. How can he not control his emotions, he's an adult, right? Why would a video game make him so mad? Clearly he has no emotional intelligence, he's like a little child. Even your loved ones that do WANT to understand, they just don't. And they can't. Unless you experience the cocktail of biological processes happening in your body and brain first hand, you just don't understand how you feel when you act like this. It's not a choice to act like this, it hurts like hell on an emotional level because it goes against your rational and emotionally aware mind, yet you are ENTIRELY POWERLESS to do anything against it. And others don't understand. The only thing they do is look down upon you the same way they look down upon "addicted junkies". They feel morally superior. It's isolating. Nobody fucking gets it. At every chance you're hit over the head with a metaphorical brick when you're already at your lowest. The fucking loneliness it makes you feel. My own mother doesn't can't even begin to comprehend how I feel when I do what I do, and she doesn't try either. She just gets angry herself, and it's like she's actively trying to further isolate me from her emotionally. But, on the topic of understanding the issue. Dr. K is talking about treating the situation emotionally mature, with patience, and understanding, engaging the person who has the rage issues, seeking therapy. But I do not believe this to be a psychological issue in nature. Yes, if you are emotionally immature and perhaps have been misguided during your lifetime until now into believing that male anger is normal and the only thing you should feel, then obviously that's a barrier that has to be broken first. But I'm saying that even if you are way past that and "should know better", the issue still persists. IT'S NOT A MENTAL ISSUE. IT'S NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL. And I can't know for sure, but PLEASE listen to me when I suggest that the issue is biological in nature. Not genetics (alone). I'm suggesting that a mixture of the following modern problems is what causes biological and physiological changes in our bodies and brains that in turn make us feel this way: - Modern eating behaviors with too little time between meals, too many snacks that keep interrupting hormone signaling - Modern food, too high in artificial sugars and most importantly EXTREMELY inflammatory. Seed oils / vegetable oils / PUFAs are the Number 1 offender for making our food (and us, by proxy) toxic. They're in everything, and before we had them, we had hundreds if not thousands of health problems less than we do now. Usually there is a focus on how they make you fat and lethargic, but the way they affect us mentally is what I believe to be important in this discussion. They inflame your body so much that if you were entirely stop eating them (and then getting rid of them in your fat stores, because YES THEY ARE STORED AND TOXIC IN STORAGE), you'd be so shocked to see just how different and more relaxed you feel - Lack of movement, too much sitting, sure, although less of a factor than the point above - Modern entertainment, and the fact that we have (especially since pandemic) been consuming MORE and MORE and MORE. More food, more Netflix, more Twitch, more RU-vid, more TikTok. Designed to capture your attention as much as possible, it very slowly but surely robs you of your time, your productivity, your happiness, and even your empathy. And I believe that's it's a big big part of what's preventing our frontal lobes to develop, which needs off-time and boredom to properly develop. The prefrontal cortex is related to this issue very intimately. If you suffer from similar issues, look up "symptoms of an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex" or a "damaged prefrontal cortex" and see how much overlap there is.
@@ErebosGR I've suspected ADHD as well, but it's never been bad enough when I was a kid to have either parents or teachers be suspicious. Some symptoms were there as a kid, but the majority of what I described has only really started to show itself in the last few years. Never heard of APD before, but I think I put a bit too much emphasis on it in my comment, because I don't think the symptoms are anywhere near severe enough to really be this disorder. It's just that compared to when I was younger it is occasionally harder to listen and process as effectively Either way, thank you for your reply
@@Isaax Many children with undiagnosed ADHD manage to get by, but when left untreated it tends to become more and more difficult after 18. I suggested APD because it is a very common comorbidity with ADHD. I'm glad your symptoms are not that severe. I wish you well.
@@Isaax Consider taking a look at ADHD sub on Reddit, just sort posts by top/all time and see how much you identify with it. Reading book symptoms may be useful, but reading how they impact real people is way more "connecting", so to say. It's not an actual evaluation of course, but for me it was a pretty striking experience.
1:24 I think I can provide some perspective from the male part. Don't know if they talk about this in the video, but, regarding what she can do. She can express that she's there if he want to talk. That's it. Not one single word more. Don't push it. The worst thing you can do when someone is angry is go after them. I feel like (im totally projecting but-) in those moments, he's trying his hardest not to explode on you. She seeking reasurance in that moment is the worst timing possible, since he doesn't even have enough bandwith to hold himself. And I feel she's making it about her when it isn't which probably triggers him even further.
I dont feel this is gaming rage, its anger management issues coming from childhood relations with family most likely, that could come up with eg. Gaming but also idk anythig else. He could be denied promit8on at work snd still last out at her. The issue is he cant deal woth anger and not Channel it at his close ones, not that he play games. Dr K is al usual, very smart but also very anty-gaming which is kinda sad but I hope they manager to deal with this in a way rhat does not mąkę him stop gaming.
its hard to enjoy a game if its only fun to win. dont get me wrong dying can be shitty and annoying. But trying & dying is part of many games. However, if im in an advanced stage of emotional dysregulation (max lvl adhd here) then i literally cant handle it. Sometimes expressing & acting out the anger can help my brain get moving (or meds) but sometimes its just time to stop change things up.
im struggling with gamer rage heavily i broken many computers and controllers but i want help to be able to play video games and not get so pissed off recently I've been avoiding stressful missions all together and only been doing easy missions but easy missions don't pay the bills or getting the cool stuff i want to get into hard core gaming and get back into playing 40 to 80 hours a week but i don't know how to deal with my anger
Anger issues are probably the biggest red flag 🚩 in a relationship. the problem is most people don’t notice these things right away, anger usually doesn’t show itself on the first date.
Couple therapists say if you are having troubles you should avoid talking about difficult things unless you are face to face because otherwise you can’t see how your partner is responding and cannot manage your partner. This is especially true in a car when one is driving.
Somehow i had more freinds when i acted like a rage-a-holic and the more calm and collected i become the less anyone wants anything to do with me... i thought it was supposed to work the other way around?
it should work correctly with the right crowd. sounds like a dominate or be dominated kinda situation for you. in that case i think you should look somewhere else for friends.
I think its something to do with rage-a-holic being one of your noticeable personality traits, which a lot of people find funny, so if less people don't want to interact with you, it probably is because they find you boring now, i might be wrong tho.
@@lolgetbodied7263 Actually that makes a lot of sense.. I used to be good at making people laugh by expressing my outrage veiled in humor... now i people always think everything i say as a joke is serious people seem more afraid of me than anything.
If I don't talk to you when I'm angry it's because I specifically DON'T want to take it out on you but I can't control my emotions so I chose to remove myself from the room until I calm down.
Just commenting about the thumbnail, I work in IT at a school and the notification on my phone gave me flashbacks lol. Like how am I seeing a broken Chromebook screen on my phone right now.
I rage because everything I do I fail, and I don't know what happen Just now but I pushed something or any Entertaiment intent thing popup about something. and it deleted the long comment I did. but pretty much I been single my hole life. because I fail at everything especially. and I have A Learning disability. and I can't get A job I had A job as a custodian. and E.E.O.C is BS. and I have been single my hole life. because lets say I have lived in the wrong neighborhood and I don't drive because of mine Disability and I care about People. and how hard I work I would be a lot farther in life. and I was born with Cancer. and found out when I was 7. SO I always live like this year could be the last. and I still fail. and the I only been to therapy for A few times. because I was forced to. and the hole time I was thinking dame I could be focusing on learning how to Draw or look for another Job. speaking of which is one reason I don't want to go to therapy Because it doesn't matter how you fell Jobs are always going to want what they want you to be able to do what they want. blank point period. and I live in a neighborhood with loud music on the weekends and sometime multiple times A week. and fast cars. and there's no cop to help me out. I have called over 30 times on A house in a year with nothing at all happing to them. all because of my disability and the hole write your feelings down is A bad Idea because I get angry when I can't spell. I also have an speech problem and anphantasia which means I can't Visualize so it's really hard for me to spell. and I can't paint or do the jobs that I want to and I know the right connections to the people that could take me to the top if I only was good enough.
Someone should take this approach to Putin.. Why are you breaking Ukraine? What solutions can we come up with?.. Do you feel attacked?.. We wanted world peace but you are unavailable to it.. What do suggest is the framework for us to solve this problem?
