Most people's reaction to loved ones with this schema is to keep insisting "there's nothing wrong with you", which comes from a good place but can feel invalidating to the patient, because if there's nothing wrong with me, why do I feel so constantly wretched and ashamed? You can't challenge the schema until you've really acknowledged how it feels
My therapist gave me a handout on schemas and asked me to pick which ones I identify with most. Your videos have really helped me to understand the schemas and reflect on which ones I relate to most. Thank you!
I have this schema and I often find myself having therapy in my own head, preparing to defend myself in front of a future therapist. I have been in therapy for a short period of time and it was a lot of me crying, she kinda wanted me to stop crying so she made me do all these exercises and meditations that felt very invalidating and like she wanted me to stop being crazy .
It's not too late. I started Schema Therapy at 48 and it has allowed me to live a life I never knew existed. I'm now 56 and my schemas and modes all have names and "personalities" that come and go like old friends, the difference being that Healthy Adult mode whose name is Happy can comfort, soothe, advise and combat the negative modes. I'm a bit of a Schema Therapy fan boy 😊
You could look into Codependency , it could be a possibility. I have these and find good help from reading, doing work shops and listening to RU-vid talks on it and on recovering from Narcissistic abuse. Look into whether these issues are relevant to you and take it from there.
You said that Shame/Defectiveness is one of the 'big four' schemas. What are the other three? Shame is definitely one of my biggest schemas. I can absolutely agree that it is one of the hardest to get rid of. Been struggling with it for a decade now. :/
Hi Tetra, it's a very tough schema and usually requires specific therapy support. Keep going! The other "big schemas" are in the connection domain and are Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation, Mistrust/Abuse and Social Isolation. The are part of our attachment and threat systems and so, can be the most challenging to heal.
Hi Jonas that's a pretty complicated question which we aren't able to answer here, except to say that schemas can show up any of the personality disorders. Schemas help us understand what might be causing a "personality disorder"
At 4:30 you say that what the helper says needs to be authentic. But I know they're doing that to help, so how can I take it seriously when knowing that. ✌🏻
Thanks for your question. We encourage therapists to share their genuine care and concern for the person that they are working with in order to help the client have a felt experience of acceptance. Even though they are sharing it to be helpful that doesn't make it inauthentic. Often client can find it hard to hear those words and may feel "you are just saying that because you are my therapist". But that is the schema talking. If it's genuine from the therapist it isn't "just because you are my therapist:" it's true and over time, with repetition and genuine care those messages do start to sink in. Hope that helps!
