Girl, because you posted this video I could get out of bed and shower. The entire shower I am yelling at your voice (that’s talking in the video) in your head and disagreeing the entire time. YOU. Are. Helping. Me. Right. Now. Thank. You. YOURE NOT A DOWNER I WAS DOWN AND WE WERE DOWN TOGETHER!! DOWNY SISTERS! I’m beating myself up for not moving forward with my kindle publishing projects. But you ending your life would be like taking all the lightbulbs out of the world.
I disagree. I think your will is the only thing that can fix your depression. Learning the signs, when you feel it coming. Are you hitting a tanning bed once a week in the winter? Vitamin D? Are you watching and reciting positive affirmations in the morning and evening, are you going to the gym? If you fail to listen to your body, and allow depression to take hold, yes it's not going to be willed a way.
Feeling your pain. The depression is one of the worst parts. The fact that it’s constant bouts. I can feel it coming on and I simply can’t stop it. It’s like I just have to ride the depression wave until it’s over. To everyone out there, please stay strong and hold on
I have been dealing with the same feeling and thoughts of depression for 30 years. I was dx 18 years ago with schizoaffective: depression type. I was dx with autism 9 years ago though I was dx with a learning disability at 6. Please hang on and try to understand you aren't horrible. Your struggles are real. I care and hope you don't let it pull you under. Take care.
Hi Olivia. I’m a father of a daughter who has been trying to explain to my wife and I the struggles she is experiencing. She has been trying to let us know but we’re just not able to understand until recently. Your raw and honest video has helped me to understand better and I would like to thank you for that. We are looking to get her some testing and diagnosis but are still trying to understand things. Again thanks for your powerful video and helping others. I truly hope you are doing well.
the meltdown part - i completely understand. i have my routines and my scripts, and there are times it feels like i lose my mind and start to spiral when those routines are broken, or the scripts stray from what i had mentally prepared myself for sometimes my entire day and mood hinges on one spark of joy i've set aside to enjoy later - like a bowl of cereal, right? but when that joy is unexpectedly taken away from me... it's like my mind and body are convinced the world is ending... in a way it is, when you have autism, depression, and a slew of other mental health issues, and your one handhold is taken away, whatever it may be that day. you're in free fall anyways, don't know what my point is. just, i know what this feels like and thank you for a video that helped me feel less alone. i wish i had more autistic friends in real life
Yes, this is what my depressive meltdowns are like too. And often after a regular meltdown, whether an almost meltdown or a major one, I can go into a deep depression afterwards. It can last from a half day to a week, depending on circumstances. It’s incredibly hard to get through.
Those that say to us with genuine depression, "Just get on with it, move on," have no real understanding that it's just not that easy, nor do they seem to really sympathize appropriately. I really, really relate with your experience, Olivia. I have suffered with depression my entire life, as well. Oftentimes, debilitating me to remain glued to the couch, watching tv for hours and days as the back of my mind processed whatever it needed to process while the front of my mind checked out. I still utilize this today as a coping mechanism when I'm depressed or severely depressed. Everything has a gray tone to it during these phases. When you said, "I don't want to get better..." that sent a familiar shockwave through me. The depression rumination is powerful and permeating. Also when you talked about being around friends when you're depressed, but needing to mask... I felt that straight through me. 🎯
I'm not sure if I'm on the autism spectrum, but every one of your words on depression resonated with me. Thank you for voicing it so well. I hope you are doing okay
You are not the only one. My daughter was much like you when younger and excelled at life, won awards for art and academics. Even got a college degree and began working. Symptoms started showing up but we didn't know anything about it back then. My daughter is to the point now that she is unable to hold a regular job. And I bet she feels a lot like you! You're going to have good days and bad days. It's just the way life is. You have people around you who love you and want you to have a happy and productive life.Hand You have to solve the problems as they come. Some days you can push through and some days you just CAN'T. And that's OKAY, too. Take life in smaller bites when it gets like that. What are you going to do this morning or what are you going to do for the next hour. Try your best to adjust to what your body is telling you that it needs. Just don't let it pull you into a ditch. And if it does then get some help. Get somebody to pull you out just like if your car slid in an ice storm and you ended up knocking over a mailbox and sitting in the ditch. Call someone to tow you out. That's what we do. We help each other. And we move forward together. Make sure you have someone you are talking to that knows the real truth about what's going on. That is your secret weapon. You are an amazing person. It comes through on the videos. You have a good heart. You are valuable no matter what you say or do. We are glad you are here . You can have a bad day or a bad season. It's not a bad life. You just have to get through the hard ones and hope for the best tomorrow. I'm so thankful I ran across your videos!!! I hope my daughter will be able to find you, and feel better seeing how much you are just like her. And when you have a good day make sure you write it down so you can read through it later to help remember that they are not all bad days. Take out pictures of the little guys in your life or your pets and let them bring you Joy. Put on some music from times that make you happy and do something like watch movies that can keep your brain in a different direction. Naps are a perfect distraction! A reset to get through the day. I do that for myself many days. Maybe listen to an audiobook. Sounds like reading your aspergirl book would help on some days, too. Things do get better ...if you just don't quit. Take that strong will from that little screaming baby determination you know you've got inside of you and just never give up on getting through your day... even when it's one day at a time. Thank you for putting yourself out here to help other people. It's a real gift. I'm in tears. You just have to do the best with where you are, and what you have on that day. That's all anyone can do. Wishing you all the best. It's now 2022 and you are still a keeper, smiling or tears. I said so. 💓
When my brain starts acting up exactly like this I have developed this critical habit of remembering to be kind to myself and not to judge myself too seriously when I’m literally just beating myself up inside. It’s never easy and it always feels like shit at the time but the instinct to remind myself that compassion is not negotiable has really helped me snap myself out of these feelings more gently and with less anxiety than I used to. And every year it gets easier. This and anxiety meds have made my life so much more positive regardless of how my inner critic decides to act on any given day or space of time.
I am on meds too. Undiagnosed hfa female 53. The health system in my country is quite happy to dish out free anti depressants and beta blockers like they are sweeties, but it refuses to diagnose my asd. Every night I wish to not wake up in the morning. Every morning I wake up dissapointed because I am still here. Nobody who doesn't have clinical depression can understand what it is like. Keep posting. Thanks again 🙋♀️
Olivia you are the best! I’m a 57 y/o who has struggled thru life feeling exactly like you are describing in this video, I’m currently down my rabbit hole desperate to climb out. I know I will eventually and am learning to try and not put too much pressure on myself because that tends to make things worse. I can’t thank you enough for your videos, they’ve encouraged me to seek a professional diagnosis. I have been diagnosed for depression in my 20’s but not for all my other issues. You are truly one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve never met. You will be in my prayers.
Dear Olivia, I’m so glad I stumbled upon this video today. I am 66 years old and was diagnosed with depression at age 25. Only recently, 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with autism as well. I was amazed and touched when the exact words I used to explain my depression to my mum were spoken back to me by you in this video. Thank you for being so extremely brave in making this video. Three years down the track it is still helping others. You are a good and kind person , no matter what that voice in your head is telling you. May I suggest you focus on managing your autism for now, because it might help to lessen your depression. Wishing you all the best
((((((((((non-physical HUG from afar)))))))))) I truly appreciate that you created and posted this video. Your rawness and transparency is not only relatable but refreshing to see on here. No my enough humans show their human sides, and you are amazing for allowing us to glimpse into your world - and struggles. Granted, this was three years ago, but it is STILL relevant and super helpful to whomever stumbles upon it. Please forgive my ramble… I just wanted to say, from 3 years in the future… you’re AMAZING - and thank you. ❤️❤️❤️
i relate to so much of this :( i'm currently awaiting diagnosis as i strongly suspect i have ASD based off my experiences. The bit about being unable to hold down a regular job or find the motivation to make money hits especially hard for me, especially now we're in a pandemic so the employment field has changed massively. I really can't handle the uncertainty and feel like a burden to my family as i can barely fend for myself and feel so guilty for relying on my mum so much and failing to do basic tasks that should be easy. My sister attempted suicide several times a few years ago and after seeing what it put my poor parents through i could never do that to them but i have no desire to live in this world and feel trapped in it out of guilt.
I feel the same as you. I can’t find a job nor keep one. I fail at everything I try, and I’m only alive because I fear death, and because I feel like I owe family for all the money they waisted on me. I feel you completely. How is life right now for you?
I understand how you feel since I'm also autistic and I also have depression, tho it's gotten better recently. And I know how hard it is, people who have never been through it don't know how painful this is. Meltdowns often make me very depressed too. Your struggles are valid. You seem to be a great person tho depression prevents you from feeling like you're one. I've discovered your channel with your last video. I'm not a girl but I was assigned female at birth, tho I'm transgender so I'm a boy, but I'm perceived as a girl and I go through the struggles women with autism go through, and it helped me feel less alone. I support you and I send you love 💖
Thank you so much for this very sweet message. You made my week! I'm so sorry that you also feel like this sometimes. I'm glad your depression has gotten better recently though. That's amazing to hear! I'm so thankful that you have found my channel and videos helpful and they have helped you feel less alone. You are never alone, and I am always here if you need someone to talk to. God Bless!
I can relate. My son endured bullying and mean teachers who cut him down and embarrassed him in and out if class. Came home daily calling himself a retard. He's different and feels rejected and unloved.
i am extremely late but i’m an autistic teenager and i’m struggling so hard right now and i have for a while. I really appreciate videos like this because sometimes it’s so easy to think you are the only person who feels like this but you aren’t. It’s bittersweet but it’s nice to know that other people have gone through stuff like this too
Thanks for this video. I recently put the pieces of my puzzling life together and realized I have autism. The things that helped my depression (which began when I was 12) was when I finally changed my diet to be as nutritious as possible. For me this meant forcing myself to eat veggies, spices, and different types of meat. Seafood was very helpful, as well as avoiding sugar and processed food. Our gut micro biome has a huge part to play in our serotonin production. I was on antidepressants for a couple years and they smoothed me out a little bit, but I wasn’t really better. My birth control had the same effect for me. Once I started forcing myself to cook, eat well, and exercise regularly, I started feeling a lot better. I still struggle greatly but it’s mostly because of my financial situation at this point. I can’t afford to eat as well as I’d like, and I directly see the consequences. I hope you’re able to figure out what helps you. Consider that it might not all be in your brain.
@@LisaPFrampton I totally agree, an interesting and important topic of conversation and sometimes people have both spectrums and disorders. Personally, if we don't graze in a vegetable garden and eat a few easy fermented foods, we can get brain fog and our symptoms enhanced. My two youngest children have tourettes from Raglan aka Maxolon metoclopramide, an 'anti-nausea' given to me during pregnancy. It crosses the placenta. Our youngest are 24 and 27 now and the penny only dropped 2 years ago when I had a metoclopramide injection for nausea. Wow it totally triggered mi and changed my life, I have tardive dyskinesia and parkinsonism now. Another form of saying drug-induced spasms, tics and Tourette's.. they have the cheek to mislead us and title that kind of thing under "environmental factors" .. The reality is, the environment that doctors put me in throughout the years and not telling me that this medication comes with a black box warning.. Some about to have some of these spectrums and disorders, can be totally triggered by these types of serotonin and dopamine medications. We have to know our poisons and take those words on as a Moto. We need monitoring each and every time we take new medications. Very disturbing that they are recommending metoclopramide to pregnant women. I have looked up the government studies. So disturbing some of the studies. They have given women antidepressants during pregnancy to see if it crosses the placenta and a higher risk of autism. In fact it does affect cognitive abilities of the children born, in comparison to the placebo.. The children with autism become a part of the further study. It feels second world war karma to give that same child a similar medication throughout their lifetime, to find out whether it decreases their cognitive ability even more? It literally makes me Wanna Cry that the professionals recommend medication before gut health, medication before hormonal imbalance tests, medication before understanding and medication before counselling... Gosh sorry all of that was so long, such an interesting topic and the original comment a good one. I hope other people make comment 🙏👣
I'm dealing with this right now after a serious meltdown. I have bruises on my face and I have to go into work in 30 min. I'm sitting in my car watching this and trying to pull it together so I can function enough to get through the day. Thank you for sharing and it has made me feel like I'm not alone and it's not my fault and I'm not broken. I just need to give myself more space and kindness to navigate this world
I think this is just about the purest video on the internet. I wanna thank you because that was incredibly healing for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Your previous video said you struggle with empathy but you care so much for others. You’re a very sweet person. Know that depression isn’t your fault. I struggle too. Lexapro saved my life 8 years ago when I started it.
No matter what socioeconomic group you are in, no matter how you are raised, your feelings are just as valid. That's all part of that depression mind trying to sabotage you. Just by the comments here, you can see even strangers like, support, & care. I thank you for being brave enough to be be vulnerable & sharing your experiences. Remember, you're not alone. Take care.
This is one of my favourite videos from your channel. You are so courageous and inspiring. Struggling with early onset depression and trying to explain it to a neurotypical person who thinks getting a job or leaving the house will help- like it’s something you can stick in your closest until you get home, is infuriating. Then being unable to articulate the words to explain things just adds fuel to it. We’re constantly expected to just get over it and buck up, and those expectations further worsens depression, anxiety, etc. The only validation I’ve received and have stopped feeling so alone is from videos such as yours. Thank you ❤
thankyou very much for sharing - this is all so deeply important to also share & i can very much relate. nowadays i've also managed to slowly get a lot more on top of the allsurounding negative self-talk, that had been especially strongly 15 years ago with self-rejection, disgust, emptyness, no energy, escape to sleep, medication, even more unbalancing diet etc. i think it's important to aknowledge the depression as, as you say, sth that can pass, something that is influencable, a state & not a nature or defect etc ; and then to gently with oneself to find ( & enlargen the space ) for joy & agency in, especially the little things in daily life, for they are the bulk of life. in these states we might see ourselves as failures etc in all so many ways, but we are not in our competency to find flaws in our selves & idealisations in others.
I was diagnosed at 43. Always feet different, I am an Infj also which has some of the same traits. I have social anxiety and depression but I found out that I’m very gluten sensitive as most with aspergers are and since I cut out flour and sugar I very rarely feel depressed. Girl, all I can say is don’t be so hard on yourself. Live at your pace, not the fast pace of this world. Just do what you can every day and if a shower is not possible cut it out and don’t feel bad, get some dry shampoo and put your hair in a bun. Don’t listen to others because they don’t understand and you can’t be expected to be up to speed with others. I remember with depression Sleep was all that would help. What also helped was to sniff lavender essential oil. It breaks up the gray a little. This video sounds like if I’m talking to myself.
I’m also INFJ and I’m my 40s but haven’t been diagnosed. I have a son who has autism. I’m going to take to my doctor because I think I should get a diagnosis.
My head voice is also very mean. I am waiting on my evaluation, I have struggled similarly to you. Best wishes hun. Your pain is felt and understood. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. And let me tell you; you are Not a terrible person. You Are A Beautiful Person. Some of the most beautiful flowers are some of the most high maintenance- that happens in Nature, and the flowers do not feel guilty for how they are, and neither should you. Or any of us.
Yes sometimes our mean selves can be most crippling of all.. Apparently in some people, it can fall Under the Umbrella of 'invasive thoughts and OCD traits' For example. A horder can be simply mistaken for a hoarder. But really they are very misunderstood, as most hoarders have some form of OCD, mostly a person who finds it hard to manage and organise their stuff, or let it go.. in my mind, this means they need a lifetime of support.
I'm not usually a commenter, but I want you to know that 2 years later this video is still having a positive impact. I'm exploring a potential ASD diagnosis and I have struggled with severe depression since I was about 12. What you shared in this video mirrors my experience strongly, and while I am sorry this is part of your life experience I am also grateful to have watched this and walked away feeling a little less alone. Take care 💛
I absolutely agree with your entire video. I am slowly realizing that my life has been a classic case of undiagnosed ADHD and Autism, and that my severe anxiety and depression is not the problem, but the symptoms of the disorders, abuse and neglect I've been through. So at the end of the day, I still appreciate you, and your content. I appreciate that you can relate, even distantly, to how much it hurts to exist. Thank you.
Extremely helpful and you explained so well what I go through. I sent this to some of my family members saying "this is me" ....im a male but experience so much of what you said. Keep up the good work.
You are a hero, Olivia. Not only to fight the depression every day but for courageously spreading your message so openly. Nothing gloss over, just pure honesty. Wow.
Thank you for your bravery in so openly sharing your vulnerabilities and I identified with everything you shared. You are blessed to have been diagnosed in your twenties, I’m 52.5 and have only just learned that I’m autistic. Wow, do I wish I could have found out sooner. You are an awesome human and I appreciate you! 🙏🏽💜🙏🏽💜🙏🏽💜🙏🏽😊☮️
I can feel your pain through this video, through this years, through language barrier. I am also on the spectrum, bipolar and was diagnosed with depression for the first time at the age of 11. I want to hug you so much and be able to sit and cry together with you bc I feel and experience very similar things. You are so brave that you share all of this with the world❤
That was sooo brave of you to record that video!! I am so thankful to be connected with you & feel blessed to be a part of your journey. Thank you for sharing such a raw video. Really hope you feel better or at least a little bit more OK soon xx
Please don't apologize for sharing something real and tough with us. I just discovered you. And I think that we have a lot in common. Including the cereal thing. I am 45 years old. And in 2020, I discovered that I was ADHD. I couldn't understand how I struggled ALL THE TIME. I'm smart, artistic, kind, I work hard when I find something that I like. I communicate well. I just didn't understand how I couldn't make myself a success. I was always told that I was just lazy, or just 'didn't have what it took'. After doing a lot of research, I started looking into ADHD. I had SOO much in common with women with ADHD, including the struggles. So, I asked my psychologist to have me assessed for it. And YEP!! A big ole ADHD diagnosis. Well, I didn't stop there. I noticed that my moods were crazy and out of control sometimes. I would go from super happy and upbeat to nearly distraught; I felt like my world was ending. So, that lead me to research Bi Polar disorder. And I now have a diagnosis of BiPolar II. From there, I realized that not all my responses to stimuli or how I interact with the world didn't fall under ADHD or BiPolar. So, I started researching Autism. I have not been officially diagnosed YET, but I have taken several online assessments and it places me full on the spectrum. I have so many things in common with you, including the I would be okay if I just didn't wake up in the morning. Although, I have been depressed enough to seriously contemplate suicide. Even have a couple of suicide kits laying around. (That's what I call them. Packets of pills I required that will take me away quietly with little pain) Luckily, I have 5 dogs and I am a people pleaser (that comes from C-PTSD--yep--another diagnosis. ). My dogs keep me fighting and moving forward, no matter how HARD it is for me. I DO hope that you will make more videos. You information is vitally important to many of us out here. I hope that you are okay and I am sending love and hugs to you. Also, if you EVER need anyone to talk to, I am here.. and I understand. You would never be a burden to me because we have a lot in common and I understand the thoughts in your head, as they are in mine as well.
So far you've been my favorite of all the RU-vidrs presenting ASD info and, believe me, that says a LOT. I'm 45 and just getting diagnosed. Thank goodness! FINALLY AN ANSWER! You're so raw and charismatic. I could've watched your channel for days. Where did you go? I hope that you're okay. I know how hard life is when you live on the spectrum and staying on top of any task, hobby, job, whatever, can be a real feat of unimaginable proportions. But you have a real knack for this. You could definitely have a following in a short amount of time, even if you upload only randomly. I watch only randomly so feel free to throw videos out any time, without judgement from my neck of the woods. Take care of you! 🥰
Hi Natisha! I’m a fellow fan of Olivia. I’m always looking for friends, I rarely make them and even more rarely keep them. I don’t stop trying though, and hence my reply to your comment. I hope you are well and handling your diagnosis like a champ! Take care.
This is so relatable. Thank you for sharing your inner experiences and thoughts. It is so rare that I ever feel like I "connect" with someone else, but I can sympathize with so much of what you're saying and describing.
Wow, your words are helping me understand that I have had this my entire life. My coping mechanism I used for being perpetually misunderstood was to withdraw from everyone who asked how I feel because I didn't have the ability to speak about what was bothering me. Thank you so much
Hi Olivia, I just wanted to say how much I love you and your videos, your personality and your honesty. I have been watching lots of videos on Autism lately, and I can relate to so much as an Introvert. I love the honesty and authenticity that can often be lacking with 'neuro-typicals.' We live in a strange and broken world, and people with Autism react to this rightly. We all have weaknesses, we are human, and we shouldn't try to hide this truth. God's power is made perfect in weakness, so we don't need to hide our weaknesses from Him, but we can turn to Him xx
Olivia, I just want you to know how deeply this video resonates with me... The way you describe that awful "mean voice" telling you you're faking, weak, or lazy and that you actually would question your own self like am I? You knew that UT looked simple and sounded simple to everyone else to do these regular things, and to you, it was taking all your energy just to imagine the steps you would have to take to get this simple thing done. Even something like a shower, which you love the way it feels and it's so relaxing, but the thought of the process seemed almost insurmountable at times. Once your shower is finished, you're so happy and feel much better. Promise yourself you won't let laziness get in the way next time and move on. Only it's not laziness, it's truly a difficult process sometimes. I apologize for going off on a tangent. I have always had difficulty writing a short story. I feel the person reading needs every tiny detail to fully understand what I am saying. Anyways my point for this whole message is that you are helping sooooo many people... You have no idea... Just to know I am not the only person that feels the way I do, is comforting... Not that I want other people to struggle, it's just that they can better sympathize and relate to my unorthodox personality and emotions. Love you girl... You're awesome, please keep it up! You are amazing, and I admire you. Thinking of keeping up with posting videos and all that would probably give me a meltdown lol.
Hey Olivia. It's been 10 months and we all really want to hear about your obsession with cereal. I recently found out that I have Autism, Depression and Anxiety myself and I feel you so much it hurts. I respect that you might be in a state where you don't feel like being active here, but could you please just heart this comment so everyone knows you're still there?
Just found your channel. I hope you are feeling better now. I really appreciate your video and how honest it is. I really relate, I have never seen a video quite like this that shows depression in an autistic female. This makes me feel less alone so thank you for that.
Thank you for sharing your life with me. It helps to not feel so alone. Knowing that someone else out there knows what it’s like to be me. Take care Olivia, and thanks again. ❤️
Recently diagnosed and I experienced a lot of grief and anger and cried. You are not a terrible person. You are a very worthwhile human being!!! You need to spend more time with Autistic people and AutAutistics. Also watch your diet and drink lots of water. You are doing a great job here. Many of us have had the same job story and relationship difficulties. You can work through this. I think it's good you have shared this. Shut downs, melt downs...being discouraged. Sensory over load. Make certain you have time each day to decompress. You are a worthwhile person.
Very painful to watch. Depression is the hardest part of my autistic experience, so much so that sometimes I wonder how I have survived this long. Strangely, when the depression lifts I hardly remember what it was. I'm in a different state. When it returns, I can hardly remember a time when I wasn't depressed. I'm now in my late fifties and only recently diagnosed(self). The depressions seem near constant now and I have only brief times in between.
You are such a strong person for speaking out. Depression is so hard to deal with and we are our worse enemy. It helps us individually to hear ourself as we talk and share our feelings and you’re also helping others to realize they are not alone. That brings a glimmer of hope to many. Hang in there!
Thank you for sharing this. Being vulnerable in telling your story is incredibly strong. I can relate to depressive thoughts and the guilt we feel. It's a cruel burden to carry. You have helped me today. I am reminded that I'm not alone. I hope that you are doing ok and would love to hear more from you.
I have never related to someone more in my entire life than I do right now watching this. Thank you so much for making this channel. I know you posted this a year ago but, as someone seeking a diagnosis at 27, your videos have been such a lifeline and I feel so validated for everything I’ve suffered my entire life. Looking at my life through the lens of autism makes all of it make so much sense now. It makes me sad for how I’ve suffered feeling so lost and helpless but I’m so grateful for channels like yours to help shed some light and bring some clarity. P.S. You’re the sweetest soul in the entire world. This video made me cry. 🥺 Thanks Olivia. 💖
Your videos have been so validating. I struggle to internalize my diagnosis because most people around me appear to not really believe it, so that adds to my rumination and depression. That voice is SO mean. It helps so much to see the ways in which I’m similar to you, even though that includes relating over having depression like this. It helps me know I’m right in my own assessment of why I’m like this
I understand how you feel. I think depression is apart of growth. Unfortunately throughout life there are going to be different scenarios that push us past our comfort zone and break us down. I appreciate you sharing this so openly because it is so hard to be vulnerable, just want you to know you aren’t alone. The inner critic is so hard on us. Thank you for opening up about your depression. Also I want to add that I HATE the grocery store. It’s too bright in there and too many people. The lights make me feel foggy and forgetful so I wear my sunglasses inside, lol.
Your videos go about describing feelings that I have internalized and ignored for so long that I pretty much don't believe they are there until I'm listening to someone brave enough like you to describe them. I don't think I have ever left a comment on a RU-vid video in the 20 years of my life but I just have to say that the courage and care that you have to express your struggles means a lot. This video portrays your pain and I feel like it is my own. Thank you for giving me something to connect to and I hope in time (of course I'm saying this 2 years after you experienced the exact moments in this video) you can minimize the depressive clouds and receive the help you need in the special, unique way that you need it.
I am so honored that my videos have been able to help you connect and hopefully validate your own feelings that you’re going through. You are just as brave!! Keep fighting. God Bless 💙
I want to thank you for sharing your story and experiences, your channel has helped me tremendously with communicating with my daughter who was diagnosed in third grade and is now 18. The whole selective mutism thing was very eye opening for me. I literally went and apologized to my daughter for not understanding it when it was happening. Thank you again and I do hope you’re feeling better 💐💕
Just found your first video today. Then I watched your second (this one). The first thing I wanted to tell you and what I try to tell myself is, "this too, shall pass." I saw it was a year before you posted your third, but I was relieved you did and that you're back on your journey to help other ASD women! My daughter will be 16 yrs in three weeks and has ASD. She also suffered from auditory hallucinations from a young age, has severe anxiety, depression, and mood disorder. She has hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which is a genetic disorder that effects the connective tissue in the body which causes her chronic joint pain and chronic fatigue among multiple other problems. I'm very thankful for your videos because it helps me understand my daughter better, thus help her the best I can. She is medically very complex. As hard as it was for you to make this second video, I'm thankful you did. It shed more light on your depression than words alone ever could. In social media, everyone only wants to show that everything is perfect despite the fact that it is simply impossible. All that perfect social media does is make everyone else think they are less in every way instead of showing us that we are all in this together in our struggles. Please remember you are still very young with many experiences still to go through in life and you will persevere! Just the fact that you started the RU-vid channel tells me how strong and determined you are. And know that even the hero on the battlefield never thinks they are brave, courageous, or strong, but they are. Heroes come in many different packages. We're all perfectly imperfect.
I just discovered your videos today. I've watched so many, and I keep thinking, here's this girl describing my whole life. But this video...I was crying right with you, because those feelings are exactly the kind of day I was having, and that I have all too often. It's so reassuring to know that there are people like me, that I'm not just some weird, broken, mistake of a person.
Girl, I relate to everything you have said. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still alive, but I’m 51 and have the same depression I’ve always had. Different tools to cope, but the emotions are still that strong. It makes me angry and I feel like life is so unfair. I’ve done about everything I can think of to get better. Inside I feel like I’m just trying to survive. People have been cruel and I feel alone and misunderstood. Thank you for this video
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼 you're not alone. I have ASD and depression too, I experience very similar things to you. Your share has helped lighten my burden tonight. I've recently discovered internal family systems (ifs) therapy. it has really been an eye opener and helped me. Thanks again for sharing xox
I just posted on your first video of how blessed I feel to have found your channel. And this "other side" that wasn't shown in the first one, makes me feel that even more. Thank you for being so open and honest. Depression isn't something we want to show the world. We are expected to put on a smile and go on. But being able to see that we aren't alone, that it isn't only me, or isn't only you who feel this way can make all the difference to someone. Depression does not equal being a problem. It does not make us any less valuable or loveable. It is simply part of our brain's make- up. So being able to see the side to autism of certain characteristics like you told about in your last video is very helpful, this video is just as powerful, if not more. I am looking forward to continuing to watch your videos. Girl, cry on here and say it like you feel it all you need to
Yes. This. All this. Dealt with depression since I was a preteen honestly though only diagnosed in my 30s along with PTSD. Wish they had also seen the autism but, eh, masks... God has carried me through suicidal thoughts and much much else but cannot definitively say truthfully it gets easier. I think there is a certain strength that comes the more we survive though. Thank you so much for your transparency. Bless you. I hope this finds you well. ❤ Edited to add yes yes to the cereal! My favorites are Lucky Charms and Honey Bunches of Oats. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I am 45 years old and I am planning to go get tested for autism. I have watched all of your videos and I relate so much to everything you have shared. I feel an enormous sense of relief, but also a lot of sadness at how much damage and wasted time is now in my past. I'm now 100% sure this has been my issue all along, and a diagnosis will simply make it official😭😭😭 Thanks again. You have been a huge blessing to many people, Olivia!
I really relate to what you go through with the voice in your head. I've been on meds for depression for 35 yrs. I have treatment resistent depression meaning it flares up like you are describing. One thing I do know is that it does get better. One thing that does help me some is taking those thoughts captive. I just say, No. This is not true. This is a lie. My faith in God comes into play here and helps.
Girl, I applaud your courage for making this video. I feel you, as I've been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. I'm now 34, and I think I will never be completely rid of it. That voice inside can be so cruel and vicious. When I'm at my lowest lows I don't want to live anymore. I'm not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts when it all becomes too much. I've never done anything to harm myself in that way, it's just thoughts/how my brain is wired. I hate it when those thoughts pop in to my head. Feels like my whole life comprises of loops in which things are ok for a period, but the loops ultimately end up with me having active depression and thoughts of what utter failure as a human being I am. I too struggle with the guilt of it all. Of being depressed when actually my life is way better that most people on this planet. But as you said, it's a disease and we cannot control it. But I do think the guilt makes everything so much worse. If only we could allow ourselves too feel what we feel. But like that voice inside the mind, the guilt can't really be controlled.
This takes extraordinary courage. Sharing of yourself in such a vulnerable way helps the greater good. I believe God gave you a gift - as painful as your gift may be at times - you have the ability to share your experience in a way - that absolutely helps others. I'm not sure how I landed on your videos, but I thankful I have. I was diagnosed w OCD around the same age as you are now and your diagnosis. 20+ years later, I can share, that sharing your experience with others, does make a difference. Thank you for being brave.
Thank you so much for sharing your raw, authentic feelings with us and for hanging in there! I struggle with depression too, and it is an absolute monster. Anyone who can get through even just a single depressive episode is a strong warrior in my book, even if they feel more like a rotting couch potato at the time (as I often do)
I just want to give you a big a hug and remind you that those voices go against EVERY TRUTH that God says about you!!! You are amazing for even bringing this light to others. This is your gift to the world. Thank you.
I can't help but thank you for this video. You may not understand how helpful and informative it actually was just watching you vent. I'm 24, undiagnosed, just got you on my recommendations, and I relate too much to you. I've been on depression and anxiety meds for years and, just like you said, they don't work how they should and it's always felt like something more... Thank you.
Oh my gosh, this tugged at my heart strings! Not only because I hate to see you depressed, but also because you described my depressive episodes to a tee! I mean exactly! It's good to see you snapped out of this one. It might be a good idea to re-watch this from time to time when you're not depressed so you can see the error of your thinking, and next time use that to try and have a sensical dialog in your head instead of the believing the lies that we always believe when we're depressed. Thank you so much for being vulnerable enough to share this with us. It really helped me so much to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. Big hugs to you! 🌺🌈🌞
Damn, you're so honest. I took an "autistic nap" today, woke up and your videos really helped me. I am 32, but undiagnosed working on one. But I feel this way a lot. What sucks is when you finally tell people what you realize and then you get the feeling they don't believe you "but you seem so normal". Yeah, to you, but it tells me you don't really know me and the struggles I go through from person to person. I love you all and the struggles we put ourselves through. We are unique and a world changing bunch and our opinions are equal if not greater than neurotypicals in this world. You are a beautiful inspirational soul and don't ever settle for less than what people see of you, you are WAY better than that!
Have you tried CBT or DBT? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy? UCLA has outpatient programs that teach coping skills. I wish you the best of luck. You have a lot to offer the world. Please get help! 🙏
Depression is rough. I have been struggling myself recently and I can relate to everything you said. It makes me hurt knowing you are going through this. Its very hard. It dark. I hope you are doing better now.
Hi Olvia, thank you for this video. I suffer the same way too and it brings me a lot of comfort to know I'm not alone. I love this video because its very authentic and real, when a lot of times social media can be very fake. I welcome more videos like this, I think as a society, topics like these shouldn't be taboo because it ends up isolating people more.
I'm watching this after you've started uploading, and I'm really glad to have watched this. I relate to this a lot and I appreciate the rawness of it. I can't wait to see where your channel goes!
Now I know there's at least 3 of us. HuGz to both of you. I hope u both feel better. I've been in my bed most of the past week (at least). I have ASD (autism spectrum disorder), anxiety disorders (OCD, panic attacks, social anxiety...) ADHD... Just to name some of my crap. Actually I thought I was gonna get outta this & I started trying to declutter & clean, Then I was determined to get it done today and woke up with a bad stomach ache, but now I've lost the motivation. I also like & eat cereal alot, it's quick & easy (I use cashew milk or coconut milk...). Anyway, idk if this relates to anyone else, but, it seems like when I actually have to get up for something (usually a dr appointment or similar), then I end up usually having an ok day, maybe cuz I feel like I have to pretend to feel perfect or whatever or maybe it's just kinda forcing me to actually get out & get something done... Idk... Sometimes I look forward to it, but sometimes I get so anxious & then after I feel alot better so that makes me feel better cuz I got that done, idk... 🌹HuGz🌹 Stay Awesome
Today's video was honestly painful to watch. I actually shut it and then saw again. It was more painful because everything that you said was i had said and felt. I am just lucky that i am able to talk myself out. Also i know what triggers it in me. For me socializing, talking, change and periods always trigger it. Also my cat has been really helpful. She becomes very pushy when i get that way. So that i get angry and shout and cry. Then she sits and watches as i start to talk myself out of it. I learnt to do CBT for myself.
This is so relatable. I really appreciate how raw this video is and saying the way a lot of us feel but are too ashamed to share. You are so strong for sharing!
Dear Olivia, first of all thank you so much for posting your vlogs. You are truly an absolute gust of fresh AIR, not just for me but also my daughter. I just wanted to say to you and anyone else who may think the light at the end of the tunnel is almost an insurmountable journey of lost hope, that its not. It can be reached and held onto. I know this because I'm similar to you as is my 23 year old daughter. Identical and different. I'm 58 years old and after literally years of personal research regarding how food and environmental issues impacted my mental and physical well being, I slowly and steadily made radical changes in my life and have finally put my depression into the back filing cabinet in my brain and for the last few years it hasn't revisited me. Yes I can still get 'flat' and sometimes sad when appropriate, but I don't have the crippling depression that has plagued me for years. My daughter like you has suffered from depression since a young teenager and is now also attempting to follow my path. She had an official diagnosis for ASD a year ago which helped her mentally identify with who she is. Her depression is much improved with the help of medically prescribed Cannibis oil (CBD) which has enabled her to finally stop taking daily antidepressants for the first time in approx 10 years. She said she felt more calm, which enables her to find 'happy'. :) As youve discovered people on the spectrum are highly intelligent and emotionally sensitive but also so so so incredibly physically sensitive. ASD people are like a late model Ferrari sports cars, when the rest of the population are four door sedans! We need the right fuel, without impurities to run our engines for maximum performance :) If the fuel is contaminated we have 'major' performance problems. Which is why alot of ASD woman have autoimmune issues to do with the gut. Ranging from endodemetriosis, to bowels diseases like IBS, IBD, crohns disease ulcerative colitis and other auto immune problems like asthma, etc...the list is long. We develop allergies to all sorts of foods and environmental toxins which intern affect our bodies causing inflammation and chemical imbalance which for me is directly attributable to my depression, brain fog and memory issues and a whole raft of medical problems which weren't improving. When I finally figured out the foods and digestible s my body 'could' tolerate and the ones it couldn't and disciplined myself to only consuming what my body needed, not only did my depression slowly go into remission, but so have all of my other physical problems. I hope this helps in some small way. Virtual hugs and love from over the sea.x
Being recently diagnosed on the spectrum I hear you and respect you. You are brave and courageous. I couldn't even picture myself standing Infront of a camera and speaking so openly. Your videos have made me realise I was on the spectrum and you have helped me tremendously. It's so scary to be diagnosed at 25 and I'm scared. I'm truly grateful that you do what you do because I don't feel so alone in my daily struggles. I relate to so many of your depression characteristics and it's so hard to live day to day.
