What you said about 'feeling the weight of gender' reminded me of something my mom said to me recently. She's a cis woman in her 60s, but she has a masculine career, doesn't wear makeup, doesn't do her hair, wears relaxed clothes, has masculine interests, and is affable in a pretty non-gendered way. She told me that she hates going to certain social events, because she feels like she's not the 'right kind of woman' in those spaces. She's also said that she has no idea what people mean by 'feeling like a woman'; the fact that everyone else around her agrees she's a woman is a good enough reason for her to identify with that.
I am you mum lol. My experience of womanhood has basically been being put in a box by society and being like, sure whatever, so long as I get to live my life I don’t really care all that much. I’m not really a girly girl, never really have been, but I’m also not unfeminine either, I’m just a practical person and I like making stuff. I feel like the only real aspect of womanhood that I really identify with is the experience of sexism and patriarchy. I also enjoy the social freedom to form deep friendships, Like I have emotional and meaningful friendships with both men and women, but I feel like a lot of the lack of judgement around that comes from the woman box I’m in. It’s been interesting hearing from trans and non-binary folk and really wondering how I even experience gender, and to be honest it’s not something I experience all that much, at least not internally, I basically only have thoughts and feelings about my gender when I have to go out and interact with a gendered world.
Same. I dont shave my legs, i dont wear make up, i dont keep up with fashion, i resist diet culture. The amount of judgemental looks i get going out in public in shorts are staggering.
I heavily relate to having no idea what people mean by "feeling like a woman". I mean, I relate to certain experiences that many women go through in a patriarchal society, but my experience of "womanhood" is just MY experience. It's not THE experience. So to say I "feel like a woman" would mean there's an exact universal experience of womanhood and I feel completely aligned with it, which...I don't think I do. Idk wtf even is gender 🤷♀️
When I was first starting my transition I watched Arca do an Instagram live and somebody asked her: "have you ever doubted your transition?" And she responded: "Of course I have, but I think this process of doubting is so important to transitioning. There's a reason that basically every major world religion centers a moment of doubt in the process of developing a faith, because faith without doubt is just dogma." That quelled a lot of my anxieties and anytime since then I've been confronted with doubt, it's actually reaffirmed my transition.
@@lena257 There isn't a singular "transgender ideology", but what Arca is saying is that doubt is a natural part of discovering oneself. She alludes to the importance of doubt in many major religions as moments of vulnerability that tests one faith, but often leaves them with a greater understanding once it is resolved. It's not limited to religion specifically, I mean it even describes the narrative of the hero's journey, with a character being tested in the story as a means of growing and becoming greater. The takeaway is that doubt isn't shameful invalidating, it's a part of life.
@@lena257 they're saying that it's normal to have moments of self doubt and to question your experiences even if that process ends up reconfirming your experiences, and even if you're questioning a fundamental part of your engagement with the world and yourself
I was a trans woman for 10 years, but have recently detransitioned in Seattle. It's strange because I identify with the "trans but not doing trans" thing. But I was surrounded by trans people and we talked about trans stuff all the time and in a way, I still was doing trans, just sideways trans. In day to day social life, people just see me as a man, which like whatever, functionally I am one right now (even though I look at men and am sometimes like 'are we even a member of the same species?') Things were going fine with my detransition until my brother died a few months ago. As a result I moved back to my very conservative Texas hometown to be closer to my very conservative Texas family. And suddenly, I no longer feel like a detransitioned trans woman. I feel like a closeted trans woman. And all of this trauma and grief and memory is bringing back those early day trans feelings, and I might very well retransition. It's never a straight road. I may actually make some videos about this at some point. I've been wanting to break into RU-vid for some time and share my perspective. If anyone has any tips on getting started, that would be amazing.
I wonder if that speaks to the nature of social construction and how it can end up being pretty contextual. In a more liberal area like Seattle, the gender roles are a but more loosely defined and enforced, meaning "being yourself" is much easier without having to put much thought into how you identify. However, when you return to a highly gendered context, such as in conservative and/or rural areas, you realize just how much you would prefer one category to the other where you have to pick a whole basket rather than a la carte (lest you be socially castigated). Basically, in contexts that are much more "one or the other" we are under a lot more pressure, based on social interactions and the expectations that others place on us.
When I grew up with my mom for the first four years of my life I only knew her and had no male influence since my parents divorced after I was born. When my step father married my mother I know he said you have two sissy boys was not sounding good term wise but what do I know at four years old. We grew up in Kuna Idaho and Sandy Utah, then back to Boise Idaho where I graduated from high school. Both places were very conservative in both religion and Christian beliefs. I could have stayed home but joined the military and traveled the world. I was married young, and had a small family, but something was always off. I thought at 13 marriage was the answer to this problem. I was married for 11 years. I then came out as gay because I was kinky and thought well I must be gay because guys tie up guys and I lived like that for years. I met my current partner and for the first 2 years we had sex until the sex stopped I started cross dressing. I did not realize how much I was doing it but behind closed doors I could not wait to feel better wearing female clothes. Changed to panties about four or five years before I realized I was Transgender and this voice which was in my head announced herself to my VA doctor one visit. I heard myself ask what is your policy on hormones? I got a smile and reply of we have a great policy on hormones in fact tonight we have a Transgender MeetUp Group if you would like to attend. I did so and felt very disheveled and confused with life. I joined the group and felt safe to explore with those veterans like myself who were going through the same thing. After going the the process of mental evaluation I was granted therapy with a gender therapist. I knew everything that was involved with Transitioning and when I felt it was right I chose to Transition with All in mentality. Quickly realized all to me was to conform to what society says what you must do to be female. Have all the surgeries to be female change your voice etc. I chose to keep my voice I love I have yet to have the surgeries mainly do to cost and Covid or I would possibly have had them done by now. I am 6 feet 1 inch tall and 215 lbs. I will never have the curves of a CIS gendered woman but in the over 4 1/2 years as a Transgender woman do I have any regrets. I started to wonder why people de transition and this exploration landed here. I appreciate the knowledge of it all but still love the fact I won’t go back. I found out I was to much of the fitting in trying to please person and was sick of it. Now I say No more than ever in my life and that voice which was within me the whole time is front and center.
Well I found your comment fascinating and probably many people would benefit from your output if you ever turn your experience into RU-vid content. That said, with the amount of violence online, I would be terrified to do so if I was in your place.
@@Kerry0101 thank you so much for sharing your story! You have searched for yourself and found your way so many interesting places - don't stop! Keep going! I think it's so exciting how you just keep exploring yourself and finding new aspects of what makes you satisfied. 💙
When I heard Mia say “I don’t do gender, I do history” all i could think of was “Are you a man or a woman?” “I’m a historian.” “No but what’s in your pants?” “A bibliography.”
I'm a transman who didn't transition until "later". I was 29 when I finally came out and began my transition, and it was like a light turned on in my brain. Going on testosterone felt like... like my brain always needed it, but didn't know how to tell me, but when it finally got it it felt better. Like going on a long walk on a hot day, forgetting your water bottle, and when you get home you just chug a whole bottle, and it feels like you're alive again, even though you were never dead. Everything felt right, finally, especially after top surgery. I feel like kids/young adults should have the right to explore those feelings without the pressure of 'defining' themselves. A little boy who decides he wants to try wearing dresses and makeup, then after a year gets bored of it and moves on... That's not a 'detransitioned child', it's a healthy kid who has been allowed to explore gender in his own healthy and safe way, and make a decision for himself. They're not old enough for blockers, not old enough to have a whole social transition and experience the pressure to conform to what society says their gender should be, or what they should be like with regards to their gender identity. I had, for instance, a 'therapist' who said I could not possibly be trans, since I have ball jointed dolls as a hobby (at the time). Dolls are for girls, you see, therefore, you conform to your birth gender and cannot be trans. It isn't that simple, gender identity is not as simple as what biases and roles (western) culture has enforced for years.
...because absolutely NO men are involved in the doll scene (collection, repaint & restoration, custom OOAK, etc). Nope. Not a one. CLEARLY anyone who is involved with dolls in ANY way must not have even a single molecule of testosterone in their body. It's a scientific FACT that playing with/owning ANY doll at all makes you the girliest of girly girls, and you're now only allowed to wear varying shades of pink, and your body starts producing excessive amounts of estrogen, in addition to immediately causing your hair to grow down to your waist - regardless of whatever gender you may have identified with previously. 🙄 I'm glad everything is feeling right for you these days! Sorry you had such a dunce of a therapist back in the day, & I hope you have a lovely one now! 😊
I think that children who do want blockers should also get them since it doesn't hurt them, it just slows down the process of puberty. That way a child has much more time to think about who they are. If they feel like transitioning as an adult it will be a lot easier, and if they do not feel that way they can stop taking blockers and go through puberty.
That's so nice to hear :) It's so strange how a lot of people equate gender nonconformity with transness, yet it's more like they expect gender conformity in the opposite direction? Kind of reminds me of people who think of transness as a kind of solution to nonconformity (if you transition, then you'll be straight, etc.).
@@yuuri9064 yes, that's also an argument a lot of terfs make- that we aren't actually trans, we've just been pushed to be men or women so that we won't be gay. Which makes no sense because most trans people I know are either gay, or bi, or pan or some other type of not straight.
nervous for this one. just wanna say anyone who is in this position, well done for trying to have an honest conversation with yourself. It's what got you to transition in the first place and it's okay if it gets you to a place of detransitioning now. there's no shame in trying to live true to yourself, whichever way you go.
I mention it in the video itself, (spoiler) but detransitioning is just as much an action of self-affirmation as transitioning is. And affirming your true self, however that is, is always a good thing.
@@kennethc2466 hey, i have a question for you. why did you take time out of your day, time that you can never get back, time that is now lost to history, precious moments you could've spent hugging your loved ones, or reading a book you like, or writing poetry, why would you take that time and use it to be negative to someone you've never met? Is it because you're unhappy, and you refuse to face that unhappiness head-on, so you decide to take it out on other people? Does the void call to you, in your darkest moments, when you're all alone because you've driven everyone away? Do you ever think, "I'm such a wretch, nobody likes me, it'd be better if I ended it all."? When I was where you are, that's how I felt. I drove away my friends and family. I thought I was making a sacrifice for the greater good, but all it ever earned me was an unhappy life, and a bitter taste in my mouth that I couldn't wash out. I even attempted suicide. Failed at that, luckily, and I re-evaluated. What was valuable to me? Was being right more important to me than being a good person? How had I let myself fall so far, and so hard? I came to realize what I disliked about trans people wasn't any of the bullshit I'd sold myself about "feminism" or "woman-facing" - it was that they were in control of their lives, in a way I had never been. They were seizing their destiny by the throat, and I was letting myself be a victim of it, an incidental. They took the wheel, while I was sitting in the trunk. Eventually, I learned I was also jealous, not just that they were taking control of the circumstances they were born with, but that some of them were women who were born male. I was jealous of that. So I spoke to therapists, and friends, and people in the community, and I started transitioning. I've never been happier - I'm seizing my destiny, my moment. I don't mean this in a rude or condescending way, but I got better. By every metric, I've improved from where I was. I'm happier, I started exercising again, I stopped smoking, my family and friends can stand to be around me again. I sincerely hope that you get better. There are people who want to help you. I found a community of ex-gender criticals and they understood me. They felt the same way I had felt, and they helped me understand why I was feeling it, and to find better outlets than getting into fights with random trans people (mostly trans women) on twitter all day, which is what I had been doing prior. I hope you get better. I hope you get happier.
@@candyh4284 You took all that time, out of your day, to LIE OPENLY about me, and claim I 'dislike trans people'. All in a long winded rant based on a LIE, that YOU MADE UP? I hope you get better, and find a way to seek happiness without lying about people, for your own ego and hypocrisy. Seek help, as you need it.
I never really considered how mentally exhausting being trans must be. You must not only fight dysphoria but a society that won't readily accept you for who you are. You have my sympathies trans people. You all have immense value and are no less deserving of love and happiness, please don't stop fighting.
It takes alot of work and effort to ignore reality. Most of the time people fail since it doesnt go away. For whatever reasons people choose to do this, they have my sympathies.
I think it is what you make out of it. I'm a cis man myself. But if I had a genie and 3 wishes, I'd wish for eternal youth and a hermaphrodite body so I have the body of a woman but also a penis. (Third wish would be for money.) Because that is what I feel like I wish I was. It is what I would identify best as. So technically I qualify to call myself non-binary and trans. I think a lot of it has to do with my different way of thinking. I identify as myself, not a gender. I believe in individuals, not in groups. I'm me, and nobody else is me. My body has very little to do with me, except giving me a vessel to act in. And a better body would be an upgrade, but it would not change my identity.
@@linusgustafsson2629 I wouldnt say u qualify at all. Feelings do not take precedence over facts. Just as when deciding pronouns. I also couldnt disagree more with ur body merely being a vessel. Literally every fact of life has to get processed thru this vessel of yours, a vessel that is composed of different chemicals an biases. Indeed, its probably the only thing that actually matters since facts are pointless without it
me and my cousin are both trans and for awhile we both went back to believing we were cis and confused. i went into hyperfeminity temporarily and he went into “twink-ish lesbian” mode. we “detransitioned” for about a month each, it hurt us both so bad. yet, according to many, that means we are not transgender.
Also. Using "went off HRT" counts nonbinary people who never planned to stay on HRT. I know a couple transmascs who did exactly that. They achieved what they wanted from HRT, then went off, still ID as trans and non binary. More power to em.
@@Amberxxbbunni non-binary can be a spectrum. Some non-binary people steer more male, and others steer more female, and so for a lot of people, they identify more with the gender opposite of their biological sex without fully identifying as that gender. It’s kinda like if you have a car that was designed to be a city hatchback. But the owner wants to take it off road, so they put off road tires on it, a roll cage, and bright lights. It’s still not an SUV or a truck, and the owner doesn’t want it to be, but it’s a lot more like those types of cars than it was before, and that suits the wants and needs of the owner. Trans nbs are kinda similar, wanting certain features of their opposite assigned sex at birth (eg a beard, breasts, large muscles, or long hair and makeup) whilst still not wanting to fully integrate into that opposite gender group. Idk how well I described it, and I’m sorry if I got anything wrong, but from my experience speaking with trans nbs, this is at least a decent explanation of the general gist of how trans nbs feel. PS I know my car analogy isn’t great, but I can’t think of anything better rn with my fried post-work brain lol
@@Amberxxbbunni Using the definition of trans as "not of the gender assigned at birth" or "not-cis", than every enby is trans by default, its just that not every trans person is necessarily enby.
I'm an enby and hang out with a lot of trans women and enbies. I liked the point about detransition as a form of self-affirmation. For me and many of my friends, gender is very much a constant exploration. I know multiple people who have "flip-flopped" one or more times over the course of years - and we're not exactly young. But I wouldn't personally describe any of these people as having "detransitioned," as that implies backward movement. They were moving forward the whole time, growing into new selfhood.
i LOVE this framing of detransitioning, i've seen the term "retransition" used a couple of times and i feel like that would be the way i would describe it if i ever were to reverse my transition
One of the big trans questions people ask when you’re questioning is the “If you could push a button and you’d physically be the opposite sex immediately, would you?” question. My answer was always yes. The problem is that the button does not exist and I knew transitioning would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, so I decided that I would pretend to be a woman for the rest of my life. Eventually that became unbearable enough that I had to start changing my life, but that future was a real possibility I wanted to choose. I really only actually did it because I connected with online communities who encouraged me. I can’t imagine going at it alone. I just started testosterone and it’s amazing, but the journey has been hell and will continue to be so indefinitely. I am hopeful, but I am tired.
I had a really similar story. I grew up in a really oppressive background and whenever I hinted or talked about LGBTQ+ topics I was met with “don’t go and make your life harder for yourself”. In reality, being eaten up by being performative and palatable for my family. There was a lot of hard times, a lot of pain, and a lot of things to unpack since coming out. I had to a lot of bs before I could get on T (waitlists, lack of informed consent clinics in my state at the time, and the beginnings of the pandemic), but now I can say almost 2 years on testosterone and 14-months post-top surgery, I wake up and I just feel like me. I know it takes time and a lot of pain until you do get to that point and see those changes that align, and I wish it was easier and it is fucking exhausting, but I promise you’ll get there. I was afraid I wouldn’t get to that point but once you do it’s like a weight-lifted and kind of like “ah, so most people were walking around with this baseline of comfortableness with themselves from the beginning . Interesting”. I wish there was that button to make things easier, but I am sincerely glad you are still here and taking control of your life.
as a man who had delayed puberty then did most of puberty in like four months, Testosterone is great, and as you said you'll love it. try weightlifting, it's actually a lot of fun when it does stuff as I learned a year ago.
Hello, I was wondering if you could answer a question that I've been curious about (you don't have to). What is it about being a man that appeals to you? How is it less comfortable to be a woman than a man? Is it that you would like others to recognize you as a man or would like to appear as a man to yourself or something? Because I like men and men's style of course, but I never considered becoming one. I'm sorry if this is somehow an offensive question, just genuinely curious. I'm a cis-woman btw.
@@isntsheabeaut7456 It’s not that being a man “appeals” to me. Like I’m sure you wouldn’t say being a woman “appeals” to you. It is just what you are. I’m not changing my body to be a male body because being a man would be more comfortable per se. I’m changing my body to a male body because I am a man.
this video has honestly been really eye-opening - as a trans woman who only recently had her coming out, I always thought it would lead to me feeling much much better - it has been great to not have to hide it anymore, but it has been a bit of a shock of how much more anxious I have become and how much more performative my gender has become - for the first few weeks after my coming out, I began feeling incredibly depressed, and it all began feeling like a kind of chore - like I wasn't really being myself, I was instead being this performative idea of a woman which I really didn't identify with it has been a bit of a mind-cleanse, because I always felt like things would just feel better once I got to be more authentic, but instead it lead me to the realization that I put up with a lot of things that can not be solved by me transitioning - which I have been putting up with for ages, and which transitioning has given me the energy to change it has been very nice to see somebody who has gone much further in their transition talking about how they still have these anxieties and fears - I really appreciate the more personal look on the subject - I don't think anyone "feels like a man/woman" 24/7, and it's ridiculous how it seems to be kind of expected all I know is being referred to and treated as a woman makes me feel a lot better about myself, and has quite possibly saved my life I probably got a bit off-topic here - just wanted to say I'm really grateful for this video, it has been a great watch, and it has been great to have a sort of face-to-face conversation about this stuff... as an almost 2 meter tall trans woman myself, those are kind of difficult to find~
I'm not trans, but I think this is really common. You build up this idea that this one thing-which admittedly is pretty big-is gonna be what just fixes everything. And it doesn't. A lot of the old problems are still gonna be there even if they're packaged differently. That is normal, that is OK. Being a woman is not easy and tons of cigender women have issues with feminity and how they present themselves. That is all totally normal. Femininity comes in all different forms and it is OK to play around or be subtle or wear tons of pink and frills. It's OK to wear jeans and a t-shirt.
I'm cis, but I think if I was in a more open community and more confident I'd be much more fluid with my identity and expression. But I also suspect many people feel that way, especially those of us trapped in places that enforce more rigid and narrow roles. Separately, I can analogously relate to your sentiment of feeling suddenly lost from a perspective of body dysmorphia. I felt, like many people, deeply uncomfortable in my body and I hated it for a long time. I used to think if only I could be skinny I could be happier. I kicked my ass to get the body I wanted (sorta), and while I have improved on the body-hate front I'm still unhappy in many ways because, well, my weight and thick thighs were obviously not the root of my mental health issues. But society likes to abuse us into this depressive, anxious state and then sell us a lie in one form of another that "well if you only achieved ___ you'd be happy". Sorry for the ramble, but last thing I wanna say is that I really value hearing the experiences from transwomen and genderqueer folks exploring all of this, even if it's a big psych-philosophical mess sometimes, because it's clarified a lot of deeper issues for me and highlighted the universality of societal pressures that make us hate ourselves and each other. I hope good, open voices like yours keep being heard.
You are not a trans woman. You are a man with different/wrong hormones. You even dont have all the hormones a woman has, your medication is just 1 basic female hormones. Its just the de-performant side of yourself. You wear a costume. Of course you can say to yourself that you are a woman,you feel like woman/female, and society can call you a women, but you will never know how a real women feels, how it is to grow up like a woman ... You cant detransition, you only can get rid of that costume you wear, of wich you think, it makes you something like a woman.
@@mortenrl1946 (You've left a bit of wonderful ambiguity in your comment) No, they can't. From both sides and angles. I think we can both agree that we've lost too many.
@@thiscatania612 Come 20 or so years from now we will find that at least 40% of all trans people were just kids with autistic gender dysphoria and we will have done those kids a terrible, terrible disservice. Were a child today, I would have been referred to a gender clinic for therapy and transitioning if I told my therapist how I felt about myself. A lot of us understand you. But you also seem to understand, while having complex identities, that identities are fairly fluid and most people just don't actually know themselves. Also, a lot of the pushback is natural. For every action, an opposite but equal reaction.
@@BlueRidgeBubble I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that seems to be a possibility. I'm trans and believe we should have this choice. Part of me worries though that there are those among us who just need better counseling and guidance to get to the real root of their dysphoria and we just haven't gathered the research to see that yet.
@@jkalash762 it's a tricky one for sure, and I have similar mild concerns. I've got to the point as an uninvolved cis male however where I realise I am simply not qualified to hold a strong position here. It is an issue for other people to resolve. So, in the mean time, the best I can do is build a basic understanding and support those who are trying to resolve these thorny issues. I'm simply watching and trying to learn. There's an element of this that feels to me almost like redefining what it means to be human. It's not the only thing to be doing so, and I find them all quite fascinating... I was raised with the core concepts that sex is a matter of biology and gender is a fluid social construct. I still kind of rest there, but I'm not strongly attached to the position, it's just what I grew up with. If we resolve a better way of describing those things, I'm up for that... My thanks to all of you who are working at figuring this stuff out :)
I'm a trans man and I felt very similarly towards transition, as in either needing to go "all the way" or not doing it at all. But, the more I progressed and became comfortable for the first time in my life, the more I realized that I was internalizing expectations of what trans people "should do" in order to be a proper trans person. I managed to discern that the current state of lower surgery is not something I wanted, even though I felt massive pressure from all sides to take the plunge.
This video really struck a chord with me. I’m not trans but I am blind and sometimes I’m just tired of doing blind things. I want to just be able to not have to struggle with some of the things like accidentally putting a can of cat food in my tunafish salad. I really feel for you and wish you all the best in the world. Thank you for this.
As someone who is just very easily distracted and has also done the dreaded cat food "tuna" mistake, though for me it was in a sandwich, I feel kinship with you over that experience. Can the people making the cans make the cat food cans shaped differently from the sandwich pate cans, please?
@@neoqwerty Suggestion: buy small cans of tuna & large cans of cat food, or vice versa. Problem solved! You can get 'normal' sized cans of tuna (or chicken, iirc) & then buy the mini/half-sized cans of cat food a la Fancy Feast (and store brand/generic). *BUT* you can also buy cans of tuna in 'single serving' sized tins (they usually come in a cardboard sleeve containing 3 tins), if your cat only likes wet food that comes in larger tins a la Friskies or 9-Lives. Or you can completely opt-out of the metal can cabal, and get tuna in pouches, and/or wet cat food in single-serving plastic cups a la Meow Mix (which is the only kind my cat eat, fwiw)! As someone with ADHD that lives with a cat AND is the only human that occasionally eats tuna, I use the "small tins of tuna, plastic cups of cat food" method, in addition to keeping them in VERY separate areas. 😄 (I realize this doesn't address/solve the overall issue, but hey, we can at least treat this particular symptom, yes?)
😂😂OH MY GOD that was hilarious. I'm sorry for laughing at your misfortune. If anyone doesn't know about the tuna in pouches, it's awesome! It comes with a lot less water in it (compared to the tin), which means you don't have to drain all that gross tuna-water out! (P.S. I appreciate that you _could have_ chosen to say you accidentally gave your cat tuna, but you didn't because that's not as funny)
I am a cis woman who has been told my whole life that i wasn't "ladylike", "like other girls", and "not womanly enough". And 100% I was told that by other cis women. Luckily I was born without gender dysphoria, I can't imagine how hard that would be to hear if I was struggling with GD. My only advice is to listen to yourself and do what feels right.
You sound a female equivalent of myself. I am a "male" but aside from my reproductive role, I don't even know what it means to "be a man" and much of the imagery of what being a man is puts me off almost entirely. I was told I was not "man enough", and that just always baffled me.
Even though you acted like boys, biology will always tell you that you are a woman. While men tend to like industrial things and women tend to like people, there are musculine women same as there are feminine men.
@@pythosdegothos6181 I relate to that a lot. I'm a male but I find myself relating to my wife and female friends and just sharing many more parrels with them. I've been told that I'm not a real man by people who could never give me a satisfactory answer on what a man truly is. It's quite confusing and leaves me with more questions than I started with. Often times I can't clearly think out the questions I have either.
This. So much of being what people think of as a woman is performative. Pretty hair, Pretty makeup, sitting pretty, walking pretty, delicate clothes, speaking sweetly. ugh exhasusting. When really what we all want is to just splay ourselves on a couch in comfy clothes and eat snacks. Gender feels so forced. Snacking is natural. Snacks will unite us all
This is what Matt Walsh’s “What is a Woman” WISHES it was. Or at least that’s what I wish it was. Instead it’s just smoke and mirrors transphobia. Your video was amazing. I’ll probably have to watch it multiple times to fully absorb all of it. Thanks ✨
I am a trans woman who also dealt with these feelings. I even attempted to get off estrogen for awhile as I was just so tired of all the sexism I was experiencing, and I did not feel 100% as a "woman." Getting off estrogen for a month was a mistake, as I felt massive GD as a result. I got back on with minimal changes to body hair, etc, thankfully. I currently still take estrogen and identify as Non-binary, although if anyone ever asks me I just say "woman" because I ain't got the time to play 21 questions with everyone who is curious about my gender. It was definitly a journey, and I am glad I took it. Sadly, however, the idea of detransitioning is one that has been co-opted by anti-trans bigots to discount all trans people as a whole. I think detransitioning and the notion of it should be openly discussed and accepted, as gender is not a set thing, it is not static, and it is not always able to fit in a box. As for the question "Should I detransition?", that is something only you can answer, probably with the help of an LGBTQ+ friendly therapist.
I'm a cis gay guy (well a little bit GNC, but I still feel like "cis") and the "doing gender" aspect has struck a chord within me. Despite being quite masc looking, I've always been quite on the fence between being "effeminate" but also doing "manhood" and being part of masculine circles. I've always been quite excluded by classmates at school for "not doing manhood well enough" and doing "manly" activities like playing soccer and things boys usually do, but it's also because for some time I wasn't the most financially well off teenager, and had issues with my self image and all of that. And though I like "feminine" things like nail polish, makeup and stuff, I wouldn't consider myself as part of the "trans umbrella", in fact my struggle was the opposite: doing man with my own twist. Trans creators, believe it or not, have made me understand things about my gender I've never been able to articulate and have given me the affirmation I needed, it's still hard for me to explain, but listening to other's experiences makes me reconnect with my own experiences, thoughts and also makes me feel validated with my gender. I don't know if you'll read this, Mia, but your content and insight is valuable AF, and your contribution to the world and the Discourse™ is priceless. Thank you so much for being open and a force for good in this messy and uncertain world of gender, tack så mycket 💙💜🤍💜💙
@foxymoron that's true, though sometimes it's hard to come to terms with that truth, and not everybody is ready to have that conversation with themselves.
I know you may see our struggles as opposite, but I think they stem from the same source. Humans like to have easy categories, and sometimes we get scared when we see examples that fall out of our pre-established patterns. Also I feel you on the way you describe your gender. I may be a bi trans man, but I HAVE to dress in bright colors and/or fun patterns, and the color pink has wormed its way into my closet and also my heart (thanks trans flag). This has the unfortunate consequence of increasing my odds of being misgendered, as I'm only about a year and a half in being able to physically transition, but I bite that bullet because if I'm gonna be in public then I'm gonna look how I want to. (And how I want to may be two to four different floral patterns on my person at any given time lmao)
@@SpeedyShimeji I'd just like to tell you that Vegeta wears pink, in case you ever need to fight over pink's "gender" against an anime nerd. And if you want more ammo: pink was originally a BOY color, which women adopted as a source of power because it was associated with men and their power, and that adoption by women led to men going "IT'S A WEAK COLOR FOR WOMEN" as a reaction to disempower the color because women got to it. A lot of fashion that flips from manly to girly does that actually, only shift once women start using it to subvert expected subservience. If anything, you liking pink? Makes you a true, traditional and cultured man, good sir.
@@neoqwerty thanks for my daily Gender. Also funny you mention the Bad Man shirt, as I actually own it myself! And personally I feel so goddamn manly in it. Sometimes it's a powerful feeling to wear things that many dudes would be afraid to wear even in private.
I deeply relate to just not having the energy for "doing" trans, even if I truthfully feel like cis-womanhood isn't the whole story of my gender. Even just using neutral pronouns or being visually outside the binary is so tiring. The entire world politicizes your existence and you become a battleground walking. I am in so much awe of out trans people because I know how hard it is to live that way.
As a mostly straight guy on the autism spectrum I can't help but feel there's so much common ground. It's super weird for me, when people don't expect me to have autism because I'm REALLY good at masking. When I have to explain it to them they look like they think I'm just pretending to be autistic for the fucking benefits. "You look normal, so you must be normal." Pretty sure that's not how that shit works.
As someone who is both genderfluid and autistic, I can confirm there's some common ground. It's not one-to-one, but it's there. If you're autistic, they'll call you high functioning to deny you supports, and call you low functioning to deny you autonomy. If you're too "high functioning", they'll deny you're autistic altogether. Likewise, enbies who align with a masculine or feminine identity will often just be taken as that identity. Asserting otherwise gets you blank stares, accusations of being a snowflake, or just plain ignored. ...yeah, it's not one-to-one. It overlaps a bit though. I mean, who would have thought that those who don't fit the societal mould would wind up being ignored by said society _at best?_ Who could have *_foreseen_* that? /s
@@theothertonydutch I was thinking this - I can completely understand someone just saying "Feck all this, I'm too tired to do a gender. Do not perceive me please." I also often lack the energy to do a gender or not be depressed because I had to spend it elsewhere. Especially in that when Mia talks about the question "Do you feel like a woman?" because I too do not know what the hell that's supposed to feel like, and I was born as one. But how much is just that I didn't grok that early socialization or identity building phases that my non-Autistic peers had? I think a lot of women I know would struggle to define what being a woman feels like outside of listing shared experiences related to the way we're expected to perform gender or the way gender is imposed on us.
@@washipuppy Not to mention a gross lack in research on autism in any other "biome" than "boy.". A lot of times psychiatry goes by "we'll apply what we know because that's what we got" and you can't really blame them because of underfunding and a general apathy towards the field. It's very frustrating.
I remember when I first transitioned. I was excited and nervous, and I went to my trans friend to come out to her, expecting lots of positivity and support - and she looked me in the eye and said "this is going to suck." I was shocked and honestly a little hurt. But 5 years of Doing Trans later and. Yeah. I maybe needed to hear that more than I needed to hear "everything is going to be okay". It's not a pride parade every day, folks. I don't regret it at all, but I often think about how confining the box of "trans" can be. Sometimes I catch myself curbing my more feminine attributes and affectations (I'm a trans man). I LIKE to be feminine sometimes, but I worry it makes me "less committed" to being a man. I've come to a similar place where I am Me and my gender is Mine and that is a separate thing to how I Do gender and my gendered expression within larger society. Gender is weird, man.
Seriously though, it needs to be said. Nothing can really prepare you for the social changes, suddenly being actually visibly trans, or the reaction of loved ones who had seemed supportive until they realised you were actually going ahead with it. Puberty sucks the first time, and sure, this time it's happening on your own terms, but there's still the inherent weirdness of your body changing and your social situation changing, plus the weirdness of going through it as a grown adult (at least for most of us) with adult responsibilities, and the complication of not being able to hide this anymore, not even from strangers.
I so relate to your struggles as a trans woman. A trans woman who may never pass. But I've never considered detransition because even though I struggle to feel like a "proper" woman. I am more comfortable with myself now than I ever was presenting as a cis man. Though I understand those we decided that detransition is what's best for them. Peace, strength, love and many many blessings ❤🏳️⚧️❤🏳️🌈
in my doubtful moments, i had a conversation with other enbies (i'm an enby woman), and i asked "how do i REALLY know that i'm trans?" and i was given another question as a reply: do you want to be trans? i replied "yes..."
The "desistance" numbers consider me to have "detransitioned." I'm AMAB, and when young always felt weird being categorized with "boys"...but also never saw myself as a girl. I eventually (as a young adult) came out as genderqueer, and soon after as non-binary. There was never a "detransition," and I did not "desist" from anything, but whole armies of transphobes want to insist that I'm evidence that only gender-conformist cis identity is somehow "real."
terfs and transphobes in general hate nonbinary, genderqueer, and gender nonconforming individuals because they can’t figure out which category to shove us into to support their agenda. we’re either poor victimized cis people who were groomed or the most extreme crazy trans predators
I don't like the obsession with gender identity that plagues within the LGBT community. To me, you just seem to be a man and your personality, interests and expression don't make you any less man. And this comes from a man who mostly played with girls until an age of 8.
Trying to explain gender/ sex as a social construct to my dad, I’ve found eye colour a useful analogy. There are lots of different eye colours people can have: amber , blue, brown, grey, green, hazel, and even pink-purple in cases of albinism. Some people are born with different heterochromia. And within the colours listed are different shades, presence of limbal rings or not, etc. However, as a society, we condense this vast biological spectrum into a few labels and sometimes those labels are even further condensed (ex. for many purposes, people will lump grey eyes into blue. Or amber into hazel or brown. Etc). So, the reality of my eyes is that they are the colour they are (sort of a slate blue with a dark limbal ring and gold flecks). That’s the biology. But whether people label them as grey or blue is a social construct. As a society, we decided where to draw the lines between colours when labeling them.
I need to remember eyes. I've used color vocabulary to explain the various labels used to people who didn't get how non-androgynous enby trans people aren't erasing tomboy women or femboy men from the "man" and "woman" boxes, they're just overlapping two non-physical rectangles in a certain area of expression, like venn diagrams. Like Blue, indigo and purple all have an area where you can debate a specific zone where all three intersect.
The problem is that a lot is a social construct. Have you tried explaining to your dad that age is a social construct? And if not, why not? Probably because there isn't a huge community of activists telling everyone that it is important with age identity. There is biological age, the age you feel like and the age you identify as. If you want to be 100 year old, you can be that. It is your choice, and your identity. However, unless you got a very aggressive movement pushing for age identity, most others will just think you are being ridiculous. Names are another obvious social construct. So why can't we just change our names to whatever we identify as? Why is the state and government involved, and preventing us from choosing our own identity names? Are they namephobic? Is it OK to that we are oppressed on this social construct and don't have freedom to be ourselves? Why isn't this the top priority during elections to make us all able to have the names we identify with? Why are people content with having someone else choose their names? It is almost like people respect the love from parents and that names given from them are valued. But that doesn't work with identities. A parent can't define the gender of a child, so clearly they also can't define the name. If they could define the name, then surely they could define the gender too? And that is my issue with the social construct explanation. Why is gender different from all others? Why are people only their gender and not their skin color, age, name etc? My personal only explanation is that we only worry about what activists tell us to worry about. Climate? Sure, someone told us. Gender? Sure someone told us. Feminism? Sure, someone told us. Names? Nah, nobody has told us to worry. Friendships? That is certainly not something people tell us to value.
@@linusgustafsson2629 The problem is you're overthinking it friend. Trans people only ask for respect, understanding, and not much else, the rest isn't really that important. Also if you think that seeing and calling out glaring issues with society and how we interact with the world isn't at all worthy of value, I don't really know what to think about that in all honesty, it just confuses me. Because these are real issues and you don't get to choose to ignore them because you don't think they have any value. Sure you can kind of just not care and let what happens happen, but it doesn't take away from the fact that these things really do matter. And gender is a social construct, it's lliterally so ingrained in our culture that you might not notice it unless it affects you. It's not something like age which is very much biology and a measuring of time. And of course time is a contruct as well, but it's a fundamental principle that we use to make the world make more sense. Oh and they were making an analogy, which if you didn't know if a comparison, it's not one to one. It's just trying to show that not everything can be so easily put in a box and that in society it's done a surprising amount
@@Clairavoya I have a lot of compassion and empathy for trans people who suffer because of their gender identity. One of my best friends is trans. I love her with all of my heart, and always will. But even though I passionately support trans rights, and have absolutely ZERO prejudice against trans people, even I have difficulty understanding what's actually going on with gender today. I support the actual people who are affected by this issue, but the ideology makes no sense to me whatsoever. I'm not saying this from an anti-trans perspective. That's not my goal. No matter what I'm going to support trans people. No matter what, I'm going to denounce hate and discrimination. But the ideology itself just makes no fucking sense whatsoever. People are using ideas that are blatantly self-contradictory. There are so many obvious questions that don't have answers. It's understandable that this would be the case, because the shift in gender attitudes that's taking place is pretty monumental. We're shifting the bedrock of our culture. It would be foolish to think that would be a simple task.
So I actually was one of those detransitioners you spoke of who really tried to be a boy "but in a different way". I was on hormones and fully socially transitioned for years before deciding to stop my hormones and give being a David Bowie impersonator a shot. It wasn't terrible at first. My happiest moments in those days were when I had maximized male gender non-conformity and gained acceptance as a boy who was one of the girls, too visibly queer to ever be accepted as a straight man. There were snapshots of what I was doing that felt very "correct" and I still feel like there is some piece of the trans puzzle society is missing that sometimes detransitioners catch a glimpse of and that sometimes I could almost grasp at but never quite grip, though I ended up retransitioning anyway. It's a bit too late to offer up my story since you've already made the episode but I have a lot to say about what drove me to detransition, what it was like to live in a non-cis but also non-trans liminal space, and what eventually drove me to retransition.
I know this comment is pretty old at this point but would absolutely be interested in hearing about your experience as a trans woman with similar feelings and questions!
@Noé Laquèche feel free to ask any questions you may have. I'll try to respond. There's a lot to say that's hard to pin up into words but I'll do my best.
@@rosereindel3774 did it also have an aspect of "not passing" in it. For me, whenever I get detrans thought it's usually due to that or major hindrance from my family. I am persevering (or at least taking my hormones) but yeah I would love to know your thoughts on it.
I like the way you ended it saying, "I'd rather have a good time on accident than a bad time on purpose." Another way I've always tried to think about it for myself is that I'd rather try to have a good time on purpose than let the fear of a bad time make me continue in the bad times I'm currently in. I can't let fear of what might happen stop me from being me.
"everyone has to do upkeep to maintain their gender" keeps ringing around in my head - watching this as someone who has never properly internalized what gender means, has no internal sense for it at all, and has only grown more repulsed and uncomfortable with being scene through its lens and having to move through a gendered world as I get older, a lot of this certainly ... hit a way. The idea of doing gender maintenance, to me, i guess feels closest to the idea of autistic masking. This is not who I am, I don't want to do this, i never want to do this again. And then I hear my voice reverb on the phone and I'm momentarily unable to speak because there I am. Doing it. The gender thing, preforming it the way I perform neurotypicality at the grocery store. I relate a lot to the idea of gender performativity, for these reasons. The only framework that makes sense to me, are gender is something people do (that I don't want to do) or that gender is something done TO you by others (that I don't want them to do.) But then, I feel the same way about upkeep for my body in general, and parts of my body that are not gendered. No one genders small intestines, or teeth, and yet I loathe mine and the maintenance required of it with a different, sometimes fiercer intensity. idk maybe i'm just too chronically fatigued or, if you ask a different doctor, lazy, to deal with upkeep of any kind.
I'd never thought of it through a lens of masking and neurodivergence. That really resonates with me. All these rules and expectations of how we ought to be, coercively assigned and enforced, hardly any room for deviation and even then regulated deviation. It would be a better world, I think, if we were free to be as we are without being shoved into this box or that.
@@yuuri9064 i sometimes wonder if this is the reason for the increased frequency of trans identity in autistic people - we are hyperaware of this weight and upkeep for so many things in society that other people do not seem to notice - we have no choice but to think about it and viscerally feel it. I suspect this makes any gender related stuff more obvious and possibly more urgent/heavy/uncomfortable. I don't know for sure, but it seems a much more likely, logical, and reasonable explanation than the ones transphobes and ablists reach for. Existing exhausts me so utterly and completely, the idea of adding a maintenance to it that I don't even understand or want feels like torture. I know that is not most people's experience of gender, but that's the only way I can parse it.
I think this is why it's important to relax about gender and sexuality. It's ok if you are, it's ok if you're not, and it's ok if you're not sure what you and/or you end up changing your mind. If we really believe in equality, then it should not be so concerned with cornering people into any identity. Instead we just need to chill and let people figure things out and stop assigning special value or lack of value to any identity. I think a reason why it's so hard for society to accept these types of changes is because consistency makes us feel safer in our own lives and when we see others who subvert or otherwise challenge those norms, it makes us question ourselves in uncomfortable ways. It's ok if you transition, it's ok if you detransition, it's just ok to be you whatever that is.
Yes! I wish people accepted the fluidity of gender and sexuality for some people. Labels aren’t always permanent things and there’s nothing wrong with that
This comment is so beautiful and even similar to things that I often say, but I admit at first it got my defenses up a bit, because I'm so used to the "relax" and "just chill" and "stop worrying so much about identity" is framed in such a way as it's told *to queer people* that we need to do these things, instead of saying *to society* to just leave us alone and let us figure it out on our own time. Or hell, to keep figuring it out our whole lives. Anyway, that's to say that I love this comment and really think you nailed the proper framing for the "stop being so concerned about gender" conversation: not something to put on gender-diverse people, but onto those who really want to pin us down once and for all
10 years... I've been doing it 27 now. 26 fully transitioned. I'm an elder. And an ancient at 72 years old. Trans for 9,940 days to be exact. This was an interesting vid. Mia.
Keira Bell's story has been fascinating for me to follow purely because I don't know _anyone else_ here who's had that kind of experience. I waited 8 years to get a diagnosis on the NHS. Every single UK trans friend has a horror story of transphobic healthcare professionals, or sexual abuse by medical staff blackmailing them with access to care, or botched surgeries, or waiting lists so long they were put at risk of suicide. I'm not saying Keira Bell's story is a lie-- it's a terrible story of medical neglect due to underfunding. I absolutely believe this system failed her, because it failed all of us too. But it's... it's like hearing a story from a parallel reality. She had an experience unlike anyone I've ever spoken to. Now the entire trans healthcare process here is being judged and legislated over _the opposite_ of most people's reality. It's baffling. I wish I could sit down with her and talk about what happened, how she feels about it, and how the people in her life have interpreted it.
I wonder if both experiences have the same source, which is that the clinics are overwhelmed. You can either wait a year for *proper* care, or you get rubber stamped just to clear someone's huge backlog.
The videos got removed from the internet, but there were some older videos of her on media interviews where she basically said that transitioning helped alleviate her dysphoria, and I believe I recall her mentioning that she did not actually regret transitioning in those videos. She also apparently had pushback from her parents when she had originally transitioned. While I obviously cannot say with certainty that transitioning was the correct choice for her, Bell's case always came off as though she might have been manipulated into detransitioning in the first place. In a lot of detrans communities, FtMtF detransitioners often talk about how they started struggling with dysphoria again once they detransitioned, and it really makes me wonder how many of them were gaslighted or otherwise manipulated into detransitioning by those around them. Ironically enough, for all the transphobes who claim that people are being "pushed into transitioning", I would not be surprised if the opposite were more commonly the case -- that detransitioners were pressured out of transitioning, and perhaps many of them cope with that pressure by becoming anti-trans themselves. I doubt it is coincidence that so many of them become infatuated with gender critical communities shortly after detransitioning, as I suspect those communities are largely responsible for them detransitioning to begin with. There are detransitioners I have seen who do see themselves as cisgender without that external pressure. Those who make that decision without external pressure to detransition, and they tend to continue on with their lives without spite or anger towards transgender community.
@@albedougnut not sure about that story in particular buy from everything I've heard, the vast majority of detransitioners do so as a result of external pressures (or an inability to afford transition medication), not because they are actually unhappy with their transition. Of course, some are simply unhappy with their transition and that is unfortunate but in no way invalidates the vast majority who are happier with their transition.
@@albedougnut Without the evidence I want to take her at her word-- I find the way "gender critical" writers have talked about 'little girls [often teens and grown-ass adults] who can't possibly figure gender out on their own and get brainwashed by the trans' infantilising if not (ironically) misogynistic. I don't like shooting back 'well she must have been manipulated into detransitioning'. I'll take it on face value that all of us can decide things for ourselves, and she could independently come to shitty conclusions about other people's business, lol. Until there's hard evidence otherwise. Seems like those videos would have been important in the court appeal-- if they existed, surely someone would have saved them?
In regards to your friends that had major difficulty getting healthcare, were they MtF? Or were some of them FtM also? I ask because in all these cases I hear where people have gotten healthcare 'too easily', it seems to disproportionally involve FtM folks. As if there's some sort of bias in the system regarding letting women transition vs men. My FtM friends in the UK had to wait years too and seriously fight for it
dang. my over-30 pre-T transmasc nonbinary confused-ass self is so fucking healed and validated by this video. I tend to steer clear of online trans discourse but sometimes the little birdie in my soul tells me to click the button and it's something amazing and vital like this. thank you.
I feel like the whole idea of "transition" is outdated. I was born trans. Sure I might choose to do something about that fact, but I don't "become trans", neither do I "become cis" or "become a woman". What I do is make myself feel better, which is really no different than the standard gender expression of a cis person. The only difference is that society treats me differently; and so the goal for trans people is to stop being treated as different by those around us. And sadly that's not something we can fully control, so I understand people who feel disheartened. The important thing is that neither transition nor detransition will change who you are. You've always been you, you'll always be you, no matter what anyone else says.
"Detransitioning" as a subject has prevented me from "beginning" my transition. I'd go a step further, I've been locked in questioning whether or not I'm trans to begin with. Most of the topics you raised here I've been thinking about too. But hearing you discuss them has really helped me. I feel much more able to accept that 1) I am trans, and 2) the conclusion I came to in my doubt was a good conclusion: that I should focus on being myself over everything else (all the other questions of gender essence and even performance), and it's a conclusion that's most likely to lead to happiness. Like most people, I don't think of myself primarily in terms of "trans/cis", but just as "me", an important label that is (and should be) at the top. "Woman" would follow, and then "trans" in third place. Trans is third place, if at all because, a butterfly wouldn't identify with the fact that it was born as a caterpillar. I also feel a bit separate from the trans community, for a few reasons you mentioned but also a few not here. "Trans" does have its own culture, its own community, and I find it hard to "be trans" in the sense of "doing trans" as a separate identity from being myself, or doing the binary genders. I stick to being myself and doing the binaries, maybe a bit of GNC, and so I find it hard to relate on the level of identity. This of course isn't to make any kind of value judgement on the community, how "good" or "bad" the trans community is does not rest upon my personal experience with them. I look forward to the next videos. Thank you for pushing through the depression, and taking the time and effort to make them. You've helped me take an important step towards self-acceptance.
Around 0,5% of people who to a full transition do a retransition for reasons. ""Trans" does have its own culture, its own community, and I find it hard to "be trans" in the sense of "doing trans" as a separate identity from being myself, or doing the binary genders." - As a cis guy, naivly asked, is a transwoman not just like other cis woman? Thats how i threat them.
Personally, I think the definition of "trans" values inclusivity too much over strictness nowadays. I believe we should use the label "trans" exclusively for transmen and transwomen. And these people are trans during the time they wanna be seen as the opposite sex, and not outside of that period. Being trans is an action. An action that is for some people necessary to live a fulfilling life because their gender dysphoria is too severe to live past it. And honestly, the notion of having a different gender but not transitioning is just silly in my opinion. When someone declares themselves to be nonbinary, the only extra piece of information I get is that the person might prefer unusual pronouns. And although I won't disrespect them, I don't think it helps them at all in the long run. It is really up to the individual to alleviate the tension with that pronoun and realize it is just a noun. People who found the people and lifestyle that make them happy will be able to get past that tension, even when it may take a bit of time.
I feel like, for me at least, there is both a "do" gender and a "be" gender. I act and dress femininely, I have a stereotypical girl's name, and I wear makeup and style my hair long. however, looking at me, it is very obvious that i am a man. I use all pronouns, but most people I know default to he/him or they/them, despite the fact that I "do" womanhood. And this doesn't really bother me. And this difference between how you act a gender and how you are a gender is very clear to me whenever i interact with young gnc people, especially afab ones. many of them express the desire to be a feminine man: to be able to wear dresses and makeup and nail polish while still being seen as male. but this desire is fundamentally opposed to how transition works. often times, the only way to be seen as your post-transition gender is to change things like clothes, hair, and makeup in order to compensate for the physical attributes that most people just can't alter. and, unfortunately, these realities of the transition process just screw over people who want to be perceived as feminine men or masculine women, and who don't have the correct body for it. note: i can't find the perfect terminology for what I'm trying to explain, but I hope you understand the point
I detransitioned when I was younger and, along with transitioning in the first place, it was once of the hardest things I had to do. I didn't have many physical things done, so that wasn't too difficult, but the hardest part was mentally detransitioning. It felt like a part of me had died, and it was so easy to get radicalized because there weren't a lot of spaces I could turn to that were supportive. Thank you so much for making a video about this, you're truly one of the best content creators on this site, and your level of empathy is absolutely unmatched. Thank you.
Am cis so take my opinion with the appropriate salt. I think the point of trans acceptance isn't just to allow people to transition from gender A to gender B, but more broadly to allow people to control their own gender identity with or without societal intervention. If society was more trans inclusive, I imagine less trans people would actually get surgery, because the affirmation would come from acceptance as is, rather than conditionally based on appearance. Detransitioning is a complete misnomer.
Yknow what, I’m transmasc n this really resonates with me. I really do feel like if people were more accepting about gender, I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable and like I don’t fit anywhere, possibly not even feeling pressure to get surgery. I probably genuinely wouldn’t mind and would just see my appearance as another way of being a man, like how there’s short men and tall men etc. This is the best take on gender I’ve seen lately, I feel like this all the time and I feel so heard!
C.N. Lester's : Trans Like Me really helped me in my thoughts about detransition. To paraphrase the part that echoes in my mind and soul: Sometimes life presents us short term choices, and sometimes transitioning and detransitioning later is just the kind of choice we need/needed at the time to make it through.
Its a shame that detransition so often is defined to mean going from binary trans back to binary cis after self-realization. Every single insance of detransition among my friendgroups has involved going from binary trans to nonbinary, involved not being in good living or financial circumstance to further pursue transition or involved assuming perusing a surgery or medication would solve a gendered discomfort later discovered to involve some other means of social transition. Not saying that intentional binary detransition doesn't happen or isn't valid, just that it's among the minority and is often more complicated.
This video is making me feel ascended for being agender. (That was a joke) but since I was a kid I thought gender might just be something everyone faked because it made no sense to me. Turns out I was autistic and agender all along. I suppose gender ambivalent is the most accurate description, but agender also seems to fit. Which means non-binary also seems to fit, though I have no gender identity and am happy with all pronouns since they seem irrelevant. Which also means that trans seems to fit even though I've done minimal 'transitioning'. Anyway. Thank you, excellent vid :)
^.^ watching this video as a gender ambivalent autistic person does make the perspective seem like something real positive to have people have , it's nice & kinda self affirming
Agender and ND here too! I'm on the opposite side, lol, I don't like any pronouns, but the ones I use are for practical notions (gender is a social construct and I am, reluctantly, a participant of society)
I usually watch Mia's videos as soon as they come out, but my nervousness around this topic (as someone early in transition), has made me delay it this long. I am feeling in a good place mentally right now, so I am going to try to watch it. Edit: I wish she had front loaded the bit at 4:30 where she says she isn't coming out at formerly trans to the very beginning of the video. That would have alleviated my worries. I don't mind learning about the topic, I just don't want to watch someone go through it.
Thank you so much for this. You're not alone in these thoughts. For me transition prompted deep contemplation on gender, especially with respect to the friction you talk about. I am a woman but don't 'feel' like one. I am myself, and the moment of realization for this was when I was on a mountain, deep in the woods, and hours away from the nearest person. I felt, for the first time like myself, a woman, trans, feminine, masculine, all of it. As far as detransitioning, that is as much a construct as man, woman, and trans. For me transition was about finding myself. And when I stopped trying to hold myself to a social ideal i became more comfortable and less dysphoric. Detransition assumes that there is a state we can return to. People change all the time, change is not regressive, it builds upon our previous experiences. So, detransition, to me, should just be viewed as a continuation of finding ourselves. It's not going back. It's building to who you are meant to be. We are all in transition. All the time. Even cis people
As a nonbinary person who looks like and performs their agab, but has been questioning social and medical transition for years, I really appreciate this video.
Yeah, as a fellow enby (though different flavour), that is a familiar dilemma. We know how to help trans men and trans women transition, but enbies and genderfluid folk? Literally uncharted medical territory here! I'm a bit tired of blazing my own path. I've been lost in the wilderness for 6 years, and I'm tired of wandering aimlessly... 😒
@@DrTssha It's really hard to be on the forefront of this stuff, and I feel your pain. Everyone braver than me who gets de-assignment surgery and stuff like that... I'm proud for them lol.
@@ajasen that is a really interesting perspective that I may be slightly inclined toward. My perception of gender definitely connects to my own spirituality, but I know that may not be the case for other nonbinary people. But there is still that aspect of hrt and medical and social transition that does have a factor. It's rather metaphysical for me.
@@user-ue1ji4du2q I don't have a phobia of hormones, I just don't think they're right for me. I've not ruled out taking them in the future, I just don't think I want them now. If that changes, I'll ask my doctor to prescribe them...but honestly, I don't think I want what hormones have to offer. They offer permanent changes, and that's not what I want at all.
the sentiment towards the end that people, man or woman, cis or trans, shouldn't be restricted by gender roles is something i've felt strongly for a while, and is ultimately why i came out as nonbinary. i think it's perfectly valid if your answer to that is "i can just break gender norms while being a cis man/woman", but that wasn't the answer for me!
coming out as demiwoman made me be able to embrace my femininity more. I think because there's been always that fear of being forced into the role as a woman if I do too many feminine things? idk if I make sense haha
I'm a cis woman, but I also have an ambivalent relationship with my gender that kind of resonates a little bit with what you described about yourself. For me, I think part of it is that I'm forever measuring myself against the socially constructed "perfect image of femininity" that no one can probably ever fulfill, and partly that it's hard to fully claim a gender that, even today, is often defined in terms of its inferiority and defectiveness. When I was younger I bought into the idea that women were "creators of life", that that was our power, along with other essentialist ideas. Now I realize what harmful nonsense that is, but it's kind of left my perception of my gender as a deflated balloon. I'm still a woman, and I don't particularly want to be anything else, but it's kind of an uneasy admission rather than a comfortable or triumphant knowledge.
Gender identity doesn't have much to do with gender roles. If you don't like the roles society has set for people like you, you don't have to follow them. In fact, I hope that people can create emancipatory standards of gender expression.
@@PlatinumAltaria I'm aware of that, but that doesn't mean that gender roles can't have an influence on how I perceive my gender identity. It's a slow process of untangling the two, at least for me.
@@martinajohnson agreed! I'm also a cis woman and don't love that idea of "the perfect woman", and don't love most ideas of femininity, body hair expectations, style expectations etc. I also don't feel like I can relate to most women (a lot of the time because stereotypically "female" topics come up and I feel out of place), and yet I do identify as a woman. I can also relate to what you said about not feeling comfortable and triumphant about it
Wow. I've been thinking the same thing. Im a man, so I haven't had this experience personally, but i've been wondering "Do women see societies interpretation of gender and feel inferior because of it?" "Are men better than women?" I don't think so, but there are so many productive advantages men have over women, and most things that women can do that men cant have to do with childbirth and raising kids which women think is demeaning. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong idk.
@@cookiemons9097 women seeing society's sexism and feeling inferior is a major reason why girls' self esteem plummets during puberty and often never becomes equal with boys or men again
Felt this one deeply. Been out as trans for 2 months, on HRT for 2 weeks. "Questioned" in some form, from ages 13-26. Long time felt I couldn't be trans no matter how much I wished I was because I didn't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body, I felt like a man who wanted to be a woman. I never had dysphoria, but I did have envy. Powerful envy. By all accounts, I'm much happier now. Yet still, I cannot shake the fear that I'm missing whatever it is that makes you trans/makes you able to become a woman, because I still can't define what "being a woman" is, and I'm honestly terrified that I'm gonna end up making some horrid or huge mistake. Not because of what anybody ELSE says (honestly, I'm lucky, nobody even tried to talk me out of it, my friends and family have all been super supportive), but because of my internal voice
This video was very enlightening to me as a cis person, and does give more words to my own thoughts on gender as a cis woman. I don't exactly think of myself as some sort of divine example of "woman", I'm a woman bc how I want to live and present doesn't clash with what people assume about me. I enjoy being feminine and being seen as feminine and am uncomfortable in being or feeling masculine. Womanhood looks different for every single person and has since we started defining ourselves against one another.
I feel that. I'm a transmasc nonbinary person, and I realized I was trans in 2019 and decided that year that I want to transition... and so far, other than social transition, I have achieved nothing over the last 3 years. I haven't legally changed my name and sex marker, haven't had top surgery, I'm not on hrt, I don't even have a therapist. Transitioning is what I want to do more than anything else because I just can't keep living like this, but it's also so incredibly hard. This is probably mostly my social anxiety, but transitioning is also just generally incredibly hard because society makes it so. I am trans and I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't but being trans is so incredibly hard.
shit , my social phobia has definitely hampered my transition too. it's why my gender presentation is still pretty lowkey. but never mind that. just be you and do what you can to be you! we gotta stand up and keep being ourselves or the world will grind us under. we can't let cishetnormativity win.
You will get there. And you haven’t achieved nothing! I’m also trans masc non binary and didn’t say those words out loud until I was weeks away from turning 30. I’m 36 now and only recently had top surgery. Went on injections but, like you said, society makes it very hard. Always missed my shots, and essentially slowed my own process down for years. On gel now, and getting facial hair for the 1st time. Haven’t changed my name yet either. Found a therapist bc I needed a letter for top surgery referral. It’s a slow progress, but you are no doubt on the right track. You know who you are. That’s miles ahead of a lot of cis people. You. Are. Crushing. It. Wishing you all the best, in all you do. 💙💪🏼
I just wanted to say, my attitude toward transition is that, HRT makes me feel much better, primarily mentally and emotionally (typical of dysphoria), greatly helps with my skin conditions (acne, seborrheic dermatitis), and more generally provides me tactile comfort (smoother, softer skin etc). Gender aside, HRT is something like a miracle cure, but for me it's not a matter of identity. The thought of going back, by stopping HRT, seems like returning to a toxic relationship. I personally find the concepts of man and woman to be a nuisance. How I *express* my gender, socially, is much _much_ more dynamic, and need not fit neatly into either of the typical masculine or feminine categories (gender nonconformity). It can be adapted according to my mood, or to suit the day's agenda. To each their own, but I find it much more interesting and freeing to ignore the category lines and be comfortably me, without regard to how other people may or may not perceive me to be. I don't hold it against anyone who wants to transition with the intent to pass, but passing should never ever be a prerequisite standard for medical transition, and can sometimes be a major hurdle for trans people to recognize/realize the beauty of their unique individuality. It can be challenging to confront bigoted comments and attitudes, but I personally value thick skin over stealth. But that's me. To each their own :) You have a heart of gold. Don't let them take it from you. 💖
As a mostly straight male I actually feel the same way about the concepts of man and woman. I'm not comfortable in my own body but for different reasons. I had to deal with labels (autism spectrum stuff as well as a conservative household) all my life and they've changed over time so many times that while I feel they can be helpful I've grown extremely sceptic towards determining things that way. DSM-IV has been an upgrade over earlier versions in that autism is now properly seen as a spectrum where the individual is much more important than a pre-determined clinical picture, which I feel also applies to gender and sexuality. Individuals don't neccesserily follow a certain checklist and then end up being a specific thing. People aren't snowflakes, they're snowstorms, and that's messy and beautiful all at the same time. Like everything.
Why tf doesn't RU-vid mobile let me copy comments, love this comment. Gender is a meme I am who I am and estrogen is a hellava drug that feels good. Fuck what everybody else thinks Played the gender non conforming guy and it was alright, but I can't get over the feeling of being squishy literally nothing like it
@@BenTheMiller saved screenshots can be viable depending on the device if text copy isn't functional, ik some things just feel worth remembering & memory isn't perfect ^.^
One important piece of context is that 0,5-8% is not an abnormal level of regret for any kind surgery. I had my ears pinned at age 15, and i regret that every winter, because the scar tissue is very sensitive to cold weather. And I know transitioning is more than surgery, but I think it underlines the double standards trans people face in general. In so many other contexts, people would simply say "your body, your choice", but when it comes to trans/detransitioning, personal choices somehow become public interest
thank you!! we deal with so much hypocrisy especially around the medical aspects. people call srs surgeries "barbaric" and it's like... well all surgery is kind of barbaric - we go in there with knives and poke around at your heart and ribs and sternum, while your skin is clamped to the side. the only reason it matters to you that *this specific surgery* is barbaric is that you believe we're lying when we say it helps us. sorry for rambling this is just really nice to see acknowledged!
Not only that. There are people with depression that got meds and their meds doesn't do it's job for them. It doesn't mean that those pills are bad. It means that those pills aren't for them only. Same goes with hrt is that mentally you don't want to because you feel some reversed dysphoria. Or you realised that you don't have to be a certain gender for certain shit. So you make a decision that the therapy isn't for you
Whenever I've read excerpts from Judith Butler, my thought has always been "this is so smart and important and written so unbelievably badly and inscrutably."
@@PlatinumAltaria I'm not saying I completely can't understand it, just that I think it is written in a way that makes it harder to understand than it needs to be.
We just need translations from complicated english to normal english, I'm sure it could be done :) I don't want to blame Butler fo writing that way, maybe for them it is just the honest thought form of thinking about those complicated topics. But yeah, it could be communicated simplier. My high gender dialogs with friends mean the same as Butler's books, but the sentences are like 3× shorter and we use less terms.
I would say that I have "completed" my transition. I was on estrogen for 3 years. I guess I may technically have detransitioned. I've been off hormones for over a year, I don't plan on getting gender affirming surgeries, and I don't want to go through the trouble of changing my name legally. Still, I feel that I have become who I wanted to be. Transness is complex and epic asf
My "essentialist" view is that I am just myself. Unapologeticly and "violently." I am neither "male" nor "female." Because there is no "male" nor "female" for me. I am just my honest self. Shifting that perception has been so incredibly freeing to me. Since I don't restrict myself to any one thing, I don't really feel like I am being "less" in any of them. I still have some reservations, but I am well aware that part of that is social conditioning. Doesn't mean that I want to "do" literally everything my physical body allows me to, "do the trans" as Mia put it, but that I don't want this strong reaction to it. After all. I am just myself. There's no other category that fits me. And why I call myself non-binary. I "have" a "gender" that is outside the bs binary, my honest self.
Sorry to be "that gal", but that's not an essentialist position. Essence is A Priori ( "From Before"), so the essence of the self cannot be the self, unless you mean like a reincarnated soul or something. Sounds like you are an Egoist: One's primary consideration derives from the self.
Yeah, definitely sensing a theme in this thread. I'll point out that agender (and grey genders) are a thing, and I have even spent time in an agendered state...twice, even! I literally shoved my two bickering genders aside so I could impartially settle the conflict between them. I was, after all, trying to sleep, and this fight over who was in charge of the last 10-20 minutes of the day's remaining consciousness threatened to inflict insomnia upon me. It was...very zen. I would say it felt like the purest expression of personality, absolutely unaffected by gender. In that state, my personality simply...was. Anyway, I hope this provides some clarity, or at least food for thought. Gender is complicated, even when it is absent (thanks society! /s). Hope you all have a great day!
@@HappyH4ppyHappy Based. I feel like we're rapidly moving towards a genderless world where we've ceased to give a crap about that kind of thing, even cis people, and the only thing left will be "sex" and it's only relevant to your doctor or someone you're about to bang. Some people will naturally have a more (today seen as) feminine personality and others will naturally have a more (today seen as) masculine personality, but we won't tie those traits to your genitals, so there won't be much of a reason to get surgery for trans people theoretically. I don't want to fit into some macho masculine stereotype of men, and I don't want to fit into a weak flowery stereotype of woman. I like animals. I like being emotionally open and intellectually honest. I like having hard conversations. I try to help my friends whether they want help or not. I like video games. I like music. I'm amazing at TCGs and singing. Those are the things I want people to know me for. Not whether I identify with my dick.
@@JebeckyGranjola There are two reasons why I called it "essentialist." 1) To mock people who insist that there is any one thing in the complex biology of the human body that sets gender in stone. Usually chromosomes or genitalia. That's also the reason I put the quotation marks there. 2) Because now that I have the words to express this "me-gender," I have realized that this has been my gender since before I was bullied for not fitting into the mold society had in store for my assigned gender. For what was worse than the bullying itself was that I was called things and names I were not. I was always just me. I have spent the longest time believing that my assigned gender was part of that, despite it never being right. It's just something I accepted without questioning. Until I had some deep introspection, examined everything from all angles and came to the realization that I have always been, am and will always be ME in this regard. It's always been this way. Hence the "change in perspective" in the original comment. I had discovered an "essential" part of my identity that had always been there. We can have an in-depth discussion about identity and essentialist vs. egoist for the whole week, but I hope you understand now. I just had the thought that nature vs. nurture probably feeds into this as well and I would have to dive deep into all the philosophy of that.
The bit about gender performance is really interesting. I have two kiddos, an afab and amab one, and both of which are little gender gremlins. It's always interesting to see people immediately assign a gender to them based on how they are performing gender on any given day. And additionally: assign my gender and what my relationship to my kids must be. I think it shows up for everyone but with kids it's especially heavily reinforced by everyone around them. It's like people know kids aren't born with these concepts, and feel like they have to assign any behaviour to what their agab might be, in order for their worldview to make sense.
Just as a side note the "never finished being Trans" thing resonated with me and sounds a lot like being an alcoholic and the way people treat you and how you have to treat yourself. Recovering alcoholic me does not feel like me and it takes constant work to uphold this current version... for if I don't, I will die.
Just a reminder that processing your emotions before the internet is NOT equivalent to therapy. I hope you additionally have an actual therapist to really help you.
"my voice training never really works, my body doesnt look the way i want it to" honestly, kind of uplifting that even you, someone that is kind of my goals (you look and sound kinda like me but i feel like you pass way better) feels this way. i always worry im not good enough, and if even ms. mulder feels that way, maybe thats not a rational thought
“I want to be a woman without feeling like one” I think I finally found the words to describe my feelings with gender but in the opposite, I’ve always felt like i had just settled with being a trans man but thats not what I “really” am I do hate how transphobia has made it so we can’t have nuance discussions about a lot of topics like detransitioning because they just take it and use it to oppress us, its like we got to constantly be on guard and over defensive
AFAB, came out as trans at 15, transitioned at 19 detransitioned at 27, now 32 and NB. I just flow with what feels right to me at the time and living as male didn't feel right anymore. I don't have any regrets.
Completely separate to the topic: as a linguist, your manner of expressing yourself in English is absolutely insane. I don’t know what age you started learning, but you genuinely have a more sophisticated expression style than most people I know 🥰 loved the video too!
I had become skilled at disassociation to the point where I've managed not to think about my body or my social connections. My transition though has been an exercise in deciding to be present and that's made it harder at times. In fact, I know that in reconnecting my dysphoria has become worst at times but I think it's a healthier way to exist for myself.
1. I'm 24 poor and black and you're an inspiration. 2. I'm not even on decent estrogen. I order from shoddy shops and every other place to get mine like a lot of us do. Consistency is key. 3. Makeup fixes hair removal anyway. Blair White is a good example. 4. Your voice sounds feminine. Keep training if you want but, you pass. 5. Cope with your dysphoria. Life will give you all sorts or things. Even if you are not pleased with yourself just take some time, look around and recognize that whether or not you like yourself others like you or love you just as you are.
this is 9 months late but i think maybe that person just thought blaire was a bad example (which I guess she would be if we were talking about political views but the comment is about passing so meh)
Hey Mia… I first want to say that I’m a cis woman who generally introduces my pronouns as “she/her is what’s working for me right now.” I definitely don’t want to rip the conversation from your hands. I would like to add to it that the first 10 minutes of the video is actually quite relatable for me. The Platonic ideal of woman isn’t something I think anyone can attain, but I think many women of all stripes and femme-presenters can feel the pressure of performance, that kind of tension/exhaustion of “doing femme,” insomuch as that differs from the tension/exhaustion of “doing trans.” That mental maintenance and expectation cocktail is honestly something I often feel. (tw: weight loss follows) In my own experience, I feel this can also be tied to the face that I’m overweight. (Comments, please do not recommend anything for this, thanks in advance.) I actively lost a bunch of weight over the plague years. It wasn’t easy, but it felt… okay. I was closer to the “ideal” than I’d ever been and I felt like, okay, this is my body now. Will I always need to feel deprived to maintain this? I learned a lot of healthy things and a lot of unhealthy obsessions, so I tried to leave the unhealthy things behind and move forward with the prescriptions that worked. Guess what? I gained it back in 10 months. So I think, is it the unhealthy stuff that works? Or is this where I’m meant to be? It is exhausting and I’m doing my best, but it won’t be good enough unless I suffer. Hey, sounds like Number 2 on your coping list in the prologue. So yeah, I’m always trying to figure out what’s best for me with the least amount of unhealthy obsession. It kind of feels like the obsession of doing femme is portrayed as needed, in my mind, to the outside world, and unfortunately connected to my health as well (I’m sure that is a detail that you can relate to as well! I don’t envy trans folks and the struggles all of you have with health care.) All in all, good luck to us all.
People find it weird that I identify as hetero male because "you could be so much more". I know but I'm happy to externalize my gender issues for the others. I was obese 10 years ago but I think my (currently non-existing) weight issue every time in grocery store. I have internalized that "my body could be so much more". People want to find some kind of childhood trauma behind every abnormal behaviour and that's alienating
I had a really rough day at work, with coworkers misgendering me and customers giving me dirty looks, and it's felt like I'm never going to pass or be treated as a woman. It feels sometimes like maybe it's not worth it to keep transitioning, but I don't want to detransition. I don't know if I could survive it. I think I needed this video today. I'm gonna keep on, and hope I can get to where I want to be. Thank you, Mia.
I definitely have no idea what it means to "feel like a woman" and I'm theoretically a cis woman. I think opening up the definition of gender to make room for ambivalent feelings for our own genders and experiences in the world
I didn't catch that this was 2 years ago, it feels more relevant than ever. I appreciate your raw honesty and your willingness to navigate through nuances without invalidating others' experiences or your own.
Looking at the comments, a discussion on this topic has clearly been needed. I’m looking forward to watching this. The existence of and stories from detransitioned/retransitioned people is so often weaponized against trans people. Thanks for making this, and I hope you’re doing ok. Edit: after watching, I should add a few things: First, that story about the judge’s ruling on the Renee Richards case was awesome. Second, I think this video hit me harder than I expected. I am so profoundly lucky to have the family and friends that I do, not only because they accept me as a woman, but because they accept me as a woman regardless of how I present myself. I don’t have to live with the stress of living up to standards that I find difficult to meet.
I gotta say though. As someone who had a transmed phase, (my most miserable and dysphoric times of my life) what helped me a lot is what you said at the end, started expanding what it meant to be trans to myself, I saw trans men who hadn't had bottom surgery and were still just as much men to me, even without top surgery, they were just guys who were like that, and while personally I still now on reflection think top surgery was right for me, thanks to that exploration I no longer want to even get bottom surgery because I feel wholly like a man even without it. Seeing those people and seeing them FOR WHAT THEY WERE and realizing the same applied to me, helped me more than anything in my self image and dysphoria issues. I am what I am. I got top surgery not because it made me more of a man its because it made me more myself. Thats all that matters now to me I think.
With all due respect but what you seem to be describing is a coping mechanism that you started when you abandoned your "transmed phase" that is, the only genuinely connection you had with factual reality before abandoning yourself to the delusional consolation that the trans narrative offers us to be able to face life. I'm sorry but even me being trans if I was in front of a girl who claims to be a man but has not done or plans to do anything to look, behave and sound like a man, it will be impossible for me to ever be able to see a man In front of me, I would only be in front of a girl who claims to be trans. And I say this as someone who is capable of understanding the bisisitudes and the inner world of a trans person, now imagine the rest of the people who are not trans, for them it's simply unimaginable. One thing is to have dysphoria and quite another to have learned to live with it. But if you do nothing about it, you shouldn't be surprised that no one is able to recognize you as what you claim to be beyond your immediate social group related to your own ideology or values. Identity isn't a subjective private thing that you can mold whatever you want according to your whim and that everyone else is compelled to recognize and accept it. No. Identity it's a set of complex compromises between the individual and society as to how the former and the latter might mutually support one another in a sustainable, long-term manner.
i am afab, nonbinary, and androgynous, and i often think about going back in the closet to avoid this friction with the outside world. this is something i have trouble writing about because i'm afraid my story will be coopted by t*rfs & all nuance will be flattened... i don't want to be painted as some Lost Brainwashed Female... that is not who i am... i dream a lot about taking t but i'm afraid of the discrimination & harassment i could face, especially when i travel to less lgbt friendly places. but at the same time, my experience with womanhood has been frightening & objectifying & dangerous. deep down inside i am sure of my gender identity but i'm caught in a dilemma of how to present myself - how to *perform* gender. another factor that i worry about is how much societal good either path will do, something idk if i should be concerned of in the first place. i ask myself, which would be more destructive to patriarchy - defiant, reclaimed femininity or living outside the binary? ive come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whichever path is more "good" if i can't live a meaningful happy life within it. i've tried for 20 years to fit into the mold of womanhood, trying to find aspects of it to feel safe in, but it has only destroyed me. expressing my nonbinary-ness has been liberating and it brought me closer to my body, a vessel i've always tried to ignore/escape. so i answered my own question there..... from what i've seen, a lot of terf rhetoric revolves around femininity being a weapon, a constant political act, an experience filled with pain. i'm afraid of falling into those thought patterns and parroting them. while our identities are deeply intertwined with society & the world, we deserve the opportunity to occasionally disconnect and live - perform or not perform gender - for ourselves.
I personally see essentialism as proving trans identity not disproving. Because what is more essential than knowing your identity is counter to what literally everything in our society is working to convince you of.
It's different in other parts of the world, and while it may be similar in Europe, at least in North America, queerphobic people in general are often more bigoted toward transgender people than they are cisgender gay people. Even if transphobes acknowledge that transgender identity is not sexual in the way, well, a real sexuality is, their bigotry is based in how transgender people cannot so easily be coerced into assimilating into patriarchal roles. It's not as hard if a gay cisgender individual wants to assimilate into those more 'traditional,' socially enforced roles. Most individuals can be out of the closet in how they express their identity but keep the rest of it private to be accepted by at least a significant portion of conservatives. It's similar to how gay men or lesbians who don't conform to the stereotypes of their assigned gender will be subjected to more discrimination to those homosexual or otherwise queer individuals who conform to expectations. Transgender individuals can choose to perform gender as expected but there are some transgender people who can't even be literally, even physically, coerced into performing a binary gender. A non-binary person may never know how to sincerely perform a binary gender role no matter how much it's forced on them. The acceptance of transgender people entailing gender is a performance for everyone provokes fear in cisgender bigots that may confront them with the fact their own genders aren't essential but a performance. Taken to it's logical conclusion, transgender liberation may entail gender abolition in a way, perhaps not wrongly, feared to pose a fundamental, unstoppable threat to the patriarchy. That's why transgender people often face the worst of any kind of gender-based discrimination.
oh this is a fun way to say it. i dont know if im trans, but im already over the doing trans stuff. i just do whatever i want (like flowery skirts and long hair) but i cant be asked to use feminine voice all the time. i didnt even really finish it really
I am kinda nervous and hopefully I can get through this one. I am a trans myself and been going through some tough times mentally. Mia you are a beautiful human being.
This is something I don't envy anyone going through. Given how massive the decision to go through transitioning is ( and how difficult it's made because of some very "difficult" people in the first place ) having conflicting feelings and thoughts must be horrendous. It would be so much easier on people if it wasn't made into such a big deal in the first place. Take care everyone and stay true to yourselves.
I'm not going to lie to you Mia, I'm a cis lesbian and I didn't clock you. I initially clicked because I saw a cute girl in the thumbnail. I stayed for the content because it was interesting and was stuff I didn't know, but like if I saw you out and about I'd think you were a cis woman and flirt with you.
@Ville first of all, you have a fundamentally flawed view on gender. I implore you to look at non-western cultures where things regularly aren't binary. Second, why are you so afraid of medical qualifying terms. Did a medical text book kill your parents?
The first trans woman I ever knew well was a trans man before she was a trans woman. That was how she described herself, not as someone who had detransitioned. She was very pro-trans and cared about the trans community. She had simply transitioned twice. She helped me understand a lot of things about gender, myself, and the medical and legal transition process. I have known since childhood that I am trans masculine, but her influence has helped me to look at the transition process very realistically, from a place of cold rationality. I do not believe that publicly or medically transitioning would be the right treatment for my dysphoria, mostly because of the specifics of my physical body shape (and I am admiringly envious of trans people who can transition much more easily than I believe I would be able to). There are other practical concerns as well (life is just complicated). I do identify as a man, and if I could magically be morphed into a male-looking version of my body, I do think I'd be happier and more comfortable. But I think the slow, painful, real world process between here and there is a road I could not make it all the way down. I understand why a lot of people like myself might find themselves detransitioning mid-process. It takes a lot of courage and strength to transition at all, and more of both when our current medical technology is insufficient to make us ever appear to be anything remotely like gender-conforming. It's just a longer, harder road. Coming from this perspective, I want to say thank you, Mia, for this video. This was something I needed to hear, and I think it will be very helpful for others like me, as well as those similar to me who are already mid-transition. I do hope this is a direction toward which our society's future constructions of gender will lean. We need more fluidity, more acceptance of ourselves and one another, and more freedom to just be and do what comes naturally to us. It's also kind of amazing to know that even a woman as beautiful and feminine as you still has doubts and still feels that there is more to change. Thank you for your courage in being so vulnerable. You are perfect as you are, and that will still be true if you choose to change.
Where are you located, and how easy would it be for you to discretely get testosterone? You can hide changes for a while, and wait until you're ready to come out. Are you like extremely busty or something where binding doesn't really work well for you and you'd need top surgery? Also, ftm srs is better than it used to be although it still has issues.
@@gamagama69 yeah, I'd have to get a custom designed binder, and I think it would look weird. Plus waist to hip ratio. I'm like a cartoon caricature of femininity. It's a sort of horrific cosmic prank or something.
As a cis, hetero woman, I can say that (with the exception of my difficult period days and the awkwardness of puberty) I have always loved the physicality of being female and a woman, but I haven’t always enjoyed the confines of my gendered place in society. I wish all people were more open-minded because we need these frank discussions. Thank-you so much for your honesty and for sharing your journey.
Being nonbinary, the social construct stuff really grates at my brain. It really blows, I would love to take part in society as an enby person, but that is not an existing category. "The world still has gender structures" and the only way I can live is by choosing one, and then existing in public as that. And the worst part is me being highly aware of this makes me unsure how I really want to present, and how I want to present, solely to align with the chosen gender to exist in to avoid being thought as what I had been assigned as. :/
What you describe in this video is very, very common for a trans person to have to work through. Try to accept yourself. That seems to be your primary challenge. Society gaslights us into feeling like detransition might be better, and sometimes people do, but it’s rarely a choice that you make if you are living authentically.
I have a friend, as they say, who is a MtFtM non-op and detransitioned after almost 15 years ten years ago. Their T level never came back to anywhere near the lowest of the low end of the male range. If they wanted to flip back again, all they would have to do is change their clothes and put on some make-up. They look WAY younger than they should as a male their age. I won't go into the reasons, but it was necessary and not at all easy emotionally...probably.
thank you for this video. i'm currently exploring the possibility of HRT, but i have complex disabilities that might make it too risky. along with that, my body really expresses my assigned gender in ways i can't change with hormones or surgery. i've been openly non-binary for nearly a decade, but i'm just now pursuing medical transition. i've always felt detached from my body, and i don't know if it's bc i'm trans or bc i'm disabled, so hearing honest discussion of detransition is really comforting for me. if i end up being wrong or changing my mind, it'll be okay. that reassurance helps me move forward and take that leap of faith.
As a nonbinary person, I kinda feel the opposite. I feel like an amorphous blob and often find it confusing how people just perceive me as a cis man, because I've never felt like I fitted in. However, I don't really wish to change much, I'm still finding my style, but it's not something that would scream "not a cis man" either way and I also still go by he (although also they) and do not intend on doing any medical procedure. At the same time I know NB people come in all ways, it sometimes feels a little like I'm trying too hard and should just accept being a cis man, since it's not that big of a deal. Then I look at that and find it dumb to spend so much time thinking about this stuff when it won't have that big of an impact in my daily life anyways. Almost like I'm taking something away from actual trans people who have real issues. I don't know, rant over, I guess lol
I find being non-binary extremely interesting. I'm a cis male but I don't honestly know what that means. I have a thick German accent, I'm 6'4 and I have a rather deep voice. But at the same time, I take little to no interest in stereotypical and normal male hobbies or interests. I love to dance, cooking making flower arrangements, do yoga, and fashion. Things that often aren't associated with men, and things people have been confused by once I expressed my interest in. Gender in a social sense has always confused me and I never really understood it. I don't know if my being an idiot is enough for me to be non-binary though.
@@ale.6195 Something I've seen people say and helped me is that no one can say that for you. Gender is always something very personal and unique to our own experiences, so you're the only person who can decide what labels make you more comfortable. There's also nothing wrong with experimenting and changing your mind.
and this is why whenever some enby talks about enby fashion we gotta step in. some enbies are way too focused on having nonbinarity being some kind of androgyny - it is not. it is an absence of a binary gender identity.
Yes, in Sweden they really push you into transition. It has now gone 3 years since I had my letter sent for evaluation and I still have two more steps to go through before even getting the chance to start hormones, so with this speed it might be a year left. I'm now 47... I just hope I will be able to start my journey before I'm dead.
@@transsexual_computer_faery ja, jag blev väldigt förvånad att hela utredningen inte var mer synkad. Den är ju tre faser. När man behöver vänta 10 månader mellan fas 1 och 2 så undrar man ju vad som händer.
Haven't seen the video, it isn't out yet but still want to leave a comment. Anyone can wear dresses and put on make up. Men can have boobs. Women can have six-pack's. You can be a boob having dress wearing man just like you can be a beard having boobless woman. Thanks for reading
The implications of this seem wayyy too serious just to tell someone everything will be okay I just feel like this always be affirming attitude will only harm people in the long run
@@shenone3285 if someone else feels like a wan but loves beards. Then what is wrong with letting them be happy as a bearded woman? I needed people to be specific when I was discovering myself. Someone to tell me that even if I wasn't a woman that I could still wear dresses if I wanted. That even if I wasn't a man I could still want to have a beard.
Interesting seeing the comments from trans people saying they feel the same, as a cis person I'm generally unaware that transitioning comes with such potential misgivings. I guess it's hard to imagine not feeling like I am who I'm meant to be. From the outside, Mia seems to me like a woman that gives cis women a run for their money. Looking forward to the video to hear the perspective.
Seems like many of us are also overly critical of myself. Like I can still see ‚manly‘ features. But no one has accidentally misgendered me in ages, and friends of my roommate didn’t have a clue I wasn‘t cis. So there‘s still dysphoria remaining. But for me that has become less and less over the time. And I never really questioned being a woman, much less detransitioning. Our experiences can be so very very different. But I reckon it heavily depends on what preconceived notions you have what it means to be yourself.
I must have brainworms cuz she in my opinion is slightly clocky. Her jaw and eyebrows are sort of masculine, but there's not really much you can do about jaw structure with surgery. But you're right to me she radiates confidence. Whenever she talks about her issues it's like when you realize you're parents have problems and aren't that perfect.
@@gamagama69 i think trans people are much better at clocking each other than cis people are and it's easy to point out 'clockable' features if you already know (or assume you know) someone's agab. for example, terfs do it all the time to cis people.
At 28:00 you talk about cis identities having more weight. It reminds me a lot of the one drop rule for whiteness. If you are being black as a corrupting force, then being even 1/16th black leaves you marked. If you see being trans as a corrupting force, then going trans and then even brief step back in the direction of cis counts as detransitioning. I currently identify as a cis guy, though I've had periods over the past few years where I have had whole days where I thought I was trans, and weeks where I thought about it multiple times a day. I even came close to trying a private social transition with my partner, but didn't really feel comfortable with that. If a questionnaire asked me "have you ever believed you were trans, or self identified as trans?" And then asked me "what do you currently identify as?", An honest answer would label me transitioned. I think you cut to the core of how these things are defined too nebulously to be certain.
I'm a detrans man and I have found it very hard to find community, as so many of the detransition-related groups online are very heavily centered around women, and also often show a more conservative view of trans people. I personally think that trans people are fully reasonable, and I cannot imagine what it would be like for someone who has gone through the pain I did, and then to see someone like me, who has escaped it, let alone someone who also does not support you. I feel like I have a similar form of insecurity as trans men I've met, like I will never be a "real" man. Every now and then, I will get called by she/her pronouns accidentally by people who have known me since before I detransitioned, and it fills me with all the memories of my transition and detransition. I have so many memories of getting pushed out of men's spaces, being called "too feminine", and I'm sure that ordinary cis men go through this, but for me, a person who is already insecure about the way I look and act, it hits especially hard.
You hit it home with me at 1:03:55 - I went through that EXACT same thought pattern, and you have no idea how good it feels to hear it's a thing someone else has thought about as well. I didn't fully feel either gender, but "would I be happier as a man than I am now?" made me go through with it. 'Anything is better than this' was a lot of the reasoning for me starting my transition. I am an old man now, and very happy with the transition I did, and I do identify as male now. No regrets, would never go back to that.
Interesting title, coming from you! I'm a woman that luckily has been born in the body that I love to identify with, and I have learned that this it not the reality for everyone. No matter what you're going to share, I'll assume you're the expert of your own body and mind, and I will always encourage people to pursue their own happiness (or wellbeing). I hope this is about the topic of detransition itself and not just about your individual experience, because I usually feel uncomfortable, when people start to more or less express their justification for their existence, to me.
I like the phrasing too. For me, the luck is being born with a body that supports identification with a gender identity (male) that's okay by me if I needn't take it too seriously. I'm even luckier in the head, I guess, that I don't really _care_ about gender in my own case, though I sometimes think it makes it harder for me to appreciate how it is for people who DO care a lot about it and have to go through the dysphoria and/or friction when they don't have the body/identity/social assignment matching they need.
Throughout my "journey" I've always tried to make sure I not only listen to positive transition stories, but also detransitioners. Their stories are not only important within the general trans conversation, that lets face it only trans/detransitioners should be part of. Through this it helped me cement my confidence when choosing to follow through with the whole thing. Every month or so I ask myself "did I get it wrong?" And every time it's a resounding "no", every decision I've made has been the right one for me. However I'm open to one day answering "yes" and trying to deal with that outcome in the healthiest way possible and try to view it as one of life's learning experience you can only have first hand. I honestly don't think that day will ever happen. Despite my perspective on "what trans is" being constantly in flux I know I'll never stop being trans. As someone who used hyper femininity as armour over the years I've slowly had the confidence to strip that back and happily sit in a more neutral position... Cutting my hair short, wearing men's clothes... Along with it my identity towards pronouns. At first she/her and now nobody really knows what my pronouns are including myself... I think the "tiredness" you speak of for me became a tiredness of boxes, labels and constant suffocation from the expectation placed upon me from them. Why constrain myself to one box, man, woman or even other when realistically to me it doesn't matter. Gender is a construct and honestly for me it's a silly joke.... If you want to have hrt, if you want specific surgeries because it'll help you become a more authentic you anyone and everyone should have access to that regardles of how "trans" they might feel. Because the generic narrative for us that society has created for us is "I feel X, but I'm currently Y" but how does that help people who don't feel neither, but still know transitioning is for them. I tussled for years with this because I knew I never "felt" like a woman... I honestly don't know what a woman feels like, but I believe other trans people when they do. All I know is I know i'm trans and that's it. Though my experience is my journey and I'm happy for anyone that wants to conform to a specific box, that's totally valid, but for me.... There's so much exploration to be had outside of society's neat boxes that I don't want to partake in any of it anymore. A side note, whenever any friends come out to me as trans the first thing I do is suggest they listen to detransitioners stories to see the opposing side to "transition is magical". Though in some ways the latter is true, it's also messy, a complete slog and a fuck ton of hardship that sometimes gets glossed over and everyone should have an awareness off before taking the plunge. Sorry in advance if I've offended anyone... Please know this is my perspective and experience. I have zero intention of undermining anyone's identity.
Quick follow up My advice for someone asking "what if I regret it" is to ask them what exactly it is they think they'd regret about transitioning and what they'd regret about not transitioning.
The gender essentialism thing is hilarious bc the vast majority of people don't actually know what their sex chromosomes are. I feel like if we started sequencing everyone's genome enmass in order to police bathrooms a lot of "cis" people would be very unhappy and confused.
