Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style | Emotional Immaturity | Narcissism

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Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style | Emotional Immaturity | Narcissism
#dismissiveavoidant #attachmentstyles
#daattachment
This video goes into detail about people who have a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style and how it relates to narcissism and emotional immaturity. Someone with a DA attachment style often come off as being emotionally unavailable. They may struggle to commit to serious relationships and tend to push people away who try to get close to them.
Attachment theory proposes 4 attachment styles: Secure, Dismissive Avoidant, Preoccupied Anxious, and Fearful-Avoidant (disorganized attachment). Our attachment style is determined in infancy and childhood with how our caregivers respond to our emotional needs.
Behaviors of a dismissive avoidant include:
1) A tendency to push people/relationships away due to fears of vulnerability and emotional intimacy.
2) Tendency to value freedom and independence above emotional intimacy or viewing relationships/feelings as "weak".
3) Anxiety as a response to emotional or "deep" discussion (ie: status of a relationship, childhood details, anything involving feelings or emotionally charged conversations) leads to shutting down or stonewalling their partner.
4) Employing self-soothing or deactivation strategies when triggered in order to suppress emotions (binge watching TV, video games, projects, substances, ect).
5) A limiting belief that relationships will stunt their independence and inhibit their freedom if their partner gets too close.
6) Employing distancing strategies used to separate themselves from others, often at the expense of their partner.
7) A tendency to shun physical intimacy, sex (more common in females), and a tendency to view even normal amounts of intimacy as excessive or too much.
8) A tendency to sabotage relationships and then confusion over why the relationship ended.
DA's are often confused for covert narcissists, this isn't always the case (or even the norm). Attachment style and personality are different. Emotional Immaturity is something a DA can have, however is not solely associated with DA's. All attachment styles can be emotionally immature as well as various personality types.
Videos that might interest you:
Covert Narcissists: • How to Spot a Covert N...
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: • What is the difference...
Narcissism and Emotional Immaturity: • Classic Narcissism Vs ...
Signs of Emotional Maturity: • 9 signs of emotional m...
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style: • Anxious Preoccupied At...
Classic Narcissism Vs Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: • Narcissism Vs Dismissi...
My Recommendations/Resources:
Narcissism/Narcissistic Abuse
Breaking the Trauma Bond: amzn.to/3IsRdUe
Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: amzn.to/3xGpsE9
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:amzn.to/49MoQue
Codependency:
Codependent No More: amzn.to/3ZxYGrl
Codependency For Dummies: amzn.to/4aHz2Fo
The Language of Letting Go: amzn.to/3vOPYeg
Attachment Trauma:
amzn.to/3ijTZR8
Parental Alienation:
Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: amzn.to/3X9XvMo
Surviving Parental Alienation: amzn.to/3ilwbMF
Special thanks to Sonic the Hedgehog for his cameo/RU-vid Debut ( RIP: 2019-2022)
*SUBSCRIBE* I release new videos every week!
Follow me on Instagram: jennaschaefer.ms.lpc
My videos or any other types of videos on mental health are not intended to, nor should ever replace traditional psychotherapy. If you are experiencing feelings of hopelessness, worsening mood, depression, or anxiety to the point where your daily life is being disrupted - please make an appointment to see a licensed therapist.
*If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255.*
Othe resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-800-931-2237
Childhelp Hotline (Child Abuse): 1-800-422-4453
NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (or text NAMI to 741741)
Some links in the description box may be affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission with each successful transaction. This helps support my channel and content creation. Thank you for supporting my mission!

Опубликовано:

17 окт 2024

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Комментарии : 189

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

Thanks for checking out this video! If you're interested in more on this topic - let me know in the comments and don't forget to hit the subscribe button!!

@aj.664 3 года назад

Can you please explain the reason behind the dismissive avoidant’s coldness after the break up. It seems almost like a narcissist discard. They would respond to messages, look at you, speak to you, it’s like your dead to them.

@annamoehagen3447 Год назад

I've found that letting go of a narcissist or DA is very hard because you have to accept that the person you thought existed, does not. Feels like mourning a death.

@devonjahnjez 5 месяцев назад

DA & Narc are two different people All narcs are DA’s but all DA’s aren’t narcs…learn more

@rosemary4545 2 года назад

It's hard to deal with a breakup with someone who is a DA and immature. You wonder why you are hurting so much and he is enjoying his freedom. Remember it's not your fault and it does not mean you are unworthy. They just don't have a healthy way of dealing with pain and repress it as much as they can.

@BweezyM615 3 года назад

If you can avoid someone that is DA do so by all means. My ex gf was a DA & after months and months of me saying “make me a priority these are my needs can you try to meet them” she finally ended things yesterday. Any serious emotional conversations you can forget that they will ignore & completely shut down. Your needs won’t be met no matter how much you try to meet theirs. You will have to beg to have any kind of sexual relationship & especially if you show love through physical contact. They often times come off as incredibly selfish & uncaring towards your feelings. You will feel alone and eventually become unhappy and resentful. I have read so much on attachment styles and have even tried to show her info on it, but nothing. You can only help people that are willing and wanting to seriously grow and step out of their comfort zone. I am absolutely crushed because I truly love her, but the dynamic in the ways we attach isn’t compatible. Run as fast as you can unless someone can be receptive to change but they typically are not receptive to conversations like this.

@BweezyM615 3 года назад

And I’m saying this after I was a dummy & took her back after we broke up the first time for the same situation. So anyone hoping their DA to come back they can if they sense you pulling completely away or find someone else. They will tell you what you want to hear initially to get you back but unless they’ve done the work on themselves nothing will change and I’ve had to learn that the hard way again unfortunately.

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

Yikes. I am so sorry to hear this. These people are extremely hard to be with, i agree. Especially when they are invested or see any need for change.

@JayBee762 3 года назад

Broooooo I’m going through this exact situation as I type this. This shit is HELL brodie. I feel for u I swear!! U come back thinking wow maybe they’ve noticed what they were doing wrong and things will be better… just for things to be exactly as they were when u left!!!

@JayBee762 3 года назад

Bro I’ve read your comment 5 times. I’m in disbelief of how similar our situations are.

@princessdianaox 3 года назад

Ok but what did you contribute to this toxic relationship? Take accountability for yourself as well. Relationships are healing tools, mirroring back to us what we need to work on. I’ve been in both situations before

@Revolution-tl5wo 2 года назад

If you find yourself thinking a lot with this person, "What's the point of even being in a relationship with you when I feel like I'm just having a relationship with myself?" you found yourself a DA. It's a match made in hell. Trust me, just get out and find someone that is more securely attached. They're not worth it.

@monetroshi 2 года назад

Now now we’re not that bad

@edwardsmall8865 2 года назад

My stepdaughter is one. Lucky she works now. Will find her own place soon. Terrible to live with such a person. The charming joyful side last a few days. Then she goes ice cold. Hiding in her room for a few days. I learned not to reach out to her. I cant get too close to her. Then she creates a distancs.

@Revolution-tl5wo 2 года назад

@@monetroshi Sorry but YES, you ARE. For one thing, you think you're "not that bad" because you guys are fundamentally incapable of understanding how other people experience you. Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner means doing 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away?

@ronfox1901 2 года назад

@@monetroshi not bad people, but awful relationship partners.

@bradenmossman4208 2 года назад

It's amazing we all seem to learn about avoidant attachment only after they walk away. It's horrible. Loved her very much and constantly reasoned with myself as to her behavior. Really takes a massive toll on your self worth. But at least now we know what to look out for in the future. Thank you for the video

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Totally agree. Attachment is such an important relationship topic/info and not many learn about it.

@GTO.007 2 года назад

I really don’t know how much bad things I had done in my previous life to take me to meet a dismissive avoidant. The relationship with them is really really really horrible! Never want to do it again!!!

@chiaraA. Год назад

same!

@Bettieoaminh Год назад

Its exhausting , o have been in a relationship with my husband for 4 years now , i was starting to wondering about narcissistc personality treait But he dont got all off them. But he is 100 % avoidant dismissive and its so hard to be in and im anxious 😬 But im working on myself and have for a few years. I have told him this and i hope he listens and things get better 😢

@chantelles5841 Год назад

It’s awful

@konvict451 Год назад

I really appreciate the coments on this page, at first i thought that i was the only one going through this and not knowing what the hell i was going through much less knowing there was a name for it. Its nice knowing that im not alone and im growing from every comment/experience here. Thank yall (im from Texas) lol

@pearl6038 Год назад

The person has to want to change, and youre not responsible for someone else and if its emotionally hurting you it is ok to leave! 👌

@mikyl-fo8rh Год назад

It's amazing that the DA views sex as casual but they are terrified at the prospect of connecting emotionally. Ironically, the casual sex only confuses their ability to bond emotionally; it seems like a vicious cycle.

@julieb6624 2 года назад

I'm anxious preoccupied and he was avoidant dismissive and it was a pure nightmare. After 10+ years this relationship is over. Now I wanna prove I'm a better person. Again, giving power to someone else. I need to work on myself but it's hard to let go of this relationship even tho it was super toxic. Maybe it's for the better and maybe one day I'll meet the right guy.

@fuliviacannady7703 11 месяцев назад

How are you now? A year later?

@bibmitchell6542 3 года назад

They have the emotional maturity of a 2 year old. They are weak. They are cowards

@alexblainelayter7703 3 года назад

But you only learn to be brave when you have a secure base, which avoidants don't have. I'm not saying you're wrong, they are emotionally illiterate and they can be cowardly, but you imply that this is a moral failing, a conscious choice. Do they hurt people with their maneuvers? Of course, been there myself, it's devastating. But avoidants can have really solid values, including loyalty, which in romantic relationships go out of the window when their subconscious fears overrule their conscious beliefs / values. They may even feel confused and ashamed because their actions are not in line with their professed values. This doesn't make a difference to the partner they hurt but I think it helps to know that they don't do that deliberately. In fact, they can be as confused as the person they treat in this manner, but they have no conflict resolution skills and rarely admit to having made a mistake.

@daniellestaley9432 2 года назад

@@alexblainelayter7703 this is spot on. They are not bad people, just very damaged people that do not know how to help or heal themselves because sadly, they don’t necessarily know there is a problem or don’t want to acknowledge it. My ex was a hardcore DA - he had very polarized thinking and challenges with his communication and comprehension skills. Yet he was ‘ok’ with it. We somehow worked very well together - I have a secure attachment style and am a super extrovert - so I had no issues with him needing alone time or not calling, or not seeing him for a few days. He learned to be ‘comfortable ‘ with things out of his range of comfort; i.w., showing displays of affection, expressing intimate thoughts, details about his life, etc. Sadly, weeks after our one-year anniversary, he sabotaged our relationship and among other things, declared that he ‘was not going to change,’ despite the fact I had never asked him to do any such thing. I gave it a week before meeting back up with him and when I did, I didn’t even know who he was. If you’ve ever seen these guys de-activate, it’s the scariest thing ever. My heart was broken but the writing was in the wall, so I did the only thing I think any self- respecting woman would do and let him go. I hold no grudges; I know he loved me and he did the best he can do.

@alexblainelayter7703 2 года назад

@@daniellestaley9432 That sounds excruciating, I'm sorry you had to experience this. And I'm sorry, too, for all DAs who follow this pattern without recognising that they are the prisoners of their own fears but that they already hold the key.

@meagiesmuse2334 2 года назад

@@alexblainelayter7703 - My DA was also clueless as to why he was that way. What baffles me the most is that he had a long string of failed relationships, in which the one with me had lasted by far the longest at 3 yrs. At age 33 he was still totally unable to discuss emotion at all or move forward. He was very articulate except for the only time he said he loved me, when he stuttered horribly...I could feel his fear. Yet, this same man got married at age 40 and has stayed that way and had 2 kids. I can't imagine what kind of woman could stand to live in such an emotional desert, except maybe a status seeker, since he used OCPD as a defense vs. intimacy, and is very rich as a result of all that extra work. If anyone reading this knows someone married to a DA, what sort of person is the spouse? How do they fill their emotional needs? I would like to understand this better.

@alexblainelayter7703 2 года назад

@@meagiesmuse2334 I think there are plenty of people who end up inadvertently with avoidants. I have several family members married or previously married to DAs. I think what you may be underestimating is the emotional neglect anxiously preoccupied people have gone through in childhood; they're used to not having their emotional needs met and they already think they're not good enough or were told that they are too needy from infancy. They go about it differently than DAs but they are also afraid of the emotional support / intimacy they crave but never experienced. Anxious people (or anyone being repeatedly attracted by DAs) are avoiding intimacy by choosing a partner who can't give them what they want (but not really want to get), so it's safe to pursue it.

@JayBee762 3 года назад

Wow!! I thought she was a covert narc. U won’t believe me probably but it was easier being with my ex covert narc than the non narc dismissive avoidant.

@resueah7257 2 года назад

Same.. non narc feels way healthier tho, which is part of what makes it so painful!

@sadiemoreno3642 2 года назад

I was thinking this too. I could get over the covert narc because they were purposely malicious. Years with a dismissive avoidant that did love me and then discarded me when times were tough and emotional for us both? Watching him move out of the house and living with just my memories now….

@user-ir4dj8sy1c 2 года назад

Same here! I swore she was a narc, had to detach from her on all social medias because I felt she'd be stalking me and just wanting me around....this makes so much more sense!

@JupGem 2 года назад

Sonic the hedgehog 🦔 rolling up in a little ball is a perfect representation for Dismissive Avoidant behavior, in the emotionally immature sense.

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Thanks. I've been wanting to use him in one of my videos. I'm glad I was able to when this was filmed. He passed away about 2 months ago. 😢

@JupGem 2 года назад

@@jennaschaeferlpc I’m so sorry to hear that, Jenna. 😢 Thanks for your insightful videos.

@kr9415 Год назад

Is there any notable correlation between DA’s and compulsive lying? An ex of mine that I think may very well have been DA seems to have lied, omitted, and half truthed her way through most of our 2 year relationship. These lies gradually came to light after she discarded me and completely cut me out of her life, and I’ve never been able to confront her about any of it. It was completely devastating, to put it mildly.

@lejci38 Год назад

What you describe sounds like a narcissist.

@ashton1952 5 месяцев назад

@@lejci38spot on

@jordans03 Месяц назад

Same here. My ex would lie about the most insignificant things if she felt like there would be any judgement/repercussions for the truth being told.... She blamed it on her highly critical father forcing her to have a "fight" or "flight" mentality as a kid ...... Still doesn't make sense to me though

@adamfuz 3 года назад

From all the videos I've watched over months and months to try and get my head around what happened in my relationship with my ex, this has been the one that's finally answered my questions. This explains exactly our relationship so thank you for finally giving me some clarity.

@llgoulet74 2 года назад

Same here. More straight forward than some other videos I’ve seen. And I’ve seen A LOT

@octoberdevil 2 года назад

My partner has this attachment style. He decided to sabotage our relationship by having a secret affair with a narcissist. I'm talking a real bunny boiler. I'm writing a tell-all blog about my experience

@kchungnyc3427 2 года назад

Thank you for clarifying DAs vs Narcissists. I have first hand experiences dealing with both and I am impressed that this video clarified the differences while many trained professionals out there confused the two. 👍

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

I'm glad it was helpful!

@kchungnyc3427 2 года назад

Would you be able to do a video on the differences between Dismissive Avoidants vs High Functioning Sociopaths? There seems to be some correlation but I am curious to know the differences.

@ashton1952 5 месяцев назад

@@kchungnyc3427sociopathy is a disorder, like NPD is. Two different types of disorders. DA is not a disorder, it's someone who has very likely survived narc mistreatment, and has attachment challenges because it's hard to trust. It's not a disorder and the person can fix it themselves if they're aware of what's going on with them .

@jordans03 Месяц назад

7:15 Sheeeeesh. This is my hypersexual ex to the T.... It's all making so much sense now. I always felt like she could fake intimacy with anyone since every time we split she'd be on the prowl until reality kicks in and she realizes nobody gaf about her outside of her looks, then she comes running back to me 🥴🥴 Now I'm seeing the root causes of the hypersexuality, and why they find a safe place in keeping things casual and their options open....

@dianetincher5596 3 года назад

I definitely have avoidant attachment style, and with my extensive trauma history, I have C-PTSD and don't have the ability to emotionally attach to anyone. For me, all people are unsafe, except for my therapist. I feel like I can empathize with people. I just don't let myself become emotionally invested with people. I only have acquaintance level friends, and zero interest in romantic relationships. I have been in therapy for most of my life trying to work through my trauma and be able to feel safe around people, but so far I still only feel safe around my fur babies 🐈😻

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

Hi Diane, thank you for the insightful comment. It sounds like you have excellent insight and im so happy to hear that you are working through it in therapy. Many could benefit from this decision for themselves!

@mariahconklin4150 2 года назад

I’m the same. I love freedom and my independence and do need alone time. I’m not just gonna blindly trust a man who’s not showing me that he can be safe. I told my boyfriend today about an accomplishment I had today and he thought it was silly it was so disrespectful toward me and harmful. I think he gets this from his mom who can’t be vulnerable it’s sad.

@rizen9457 2 года назад

If you have not been able to emotionally connect with others even after spending so much time in therapy, should you change therapists?

@universaltruth2025 Год назад

My DA mother got a dog in her 70s and its the happiest most attached relationship I’ve ever seen her in. She just dotes on that dog because he shows love but never wants to talk, lol.

@lejci38 3 года назад

I'm a DA myself and I know my style is a result of having severly narcissistic -borderline mother (comorbid)...it was like having a rabbid fox for a mother...not just unstable or neglecting, but aggressive and attacking my vulnerabilities and my strenghts, too as she was envious. And she was costantly searching for them, digging for information to use it to assert her control. And you never knew how she would react - it depended on what was stronger in certain situation - her desire to use you to brag or her envy was stronger. And it takes a lot of time to accept that your own mother is/was envious of you as her child, and she would of course deny it, but you can feel it..and this brings confusion, too. You stop trusting your own feelings.

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

That sounds absolutely heart breaking and a recipe for distrust. Having a narcissistic parent is not easy and definitely leaves a last impact on your ability to form secure, adult relationships.

@bellaapple2166 2 года назад

You just described my narcissistic mother who I'm sure was also some form of schizo or borderline. Most of my life I felt I felt severely confused and scared. I unfortunately also have a covert narcissistic father. I have been in therapy for over 15 years and I would say in I only felt like I got help in the past 7yrs when I got a therapist that specialized in NPD. That was the first time someone noticed the amount of cptsd I had as a result of the trauma. That was the first time I felt understood. Im not a DA though I had more of an anxious attachment Style. Although recently I'm leaning more towards secure attachment style that's mainly from the help of therapy. My question to People with the DA attachment style is. If you know what it's like to suffer that's kind of abuse why do you inflict the same onto others while in a relationship? For me with more Anxious attachment style. Because of the abuse and neglect of love support and love kindness... I try to cultivate this in my relationships. To me it's like the empathy is missing and that is what missing in Narcs as well.

@lejci38 2 года назад

@@bellaapple2166 It's a complicated issue...but i'll try to put some highlights. watching videos about attachements, DA etc...and reading the comments of people that have been hurt by them(da), I think that people often confuse DA with narcissists and borderline personalities - maybe cause with DA there still is a little chance of relationship getting better, while with narcs and borderlines there is almost non and it's hard to let go of hope. Some of the behaviours ofDA partners that victims describe are unthinkable to me or there is similarity, but the reasoning behind is totally different than with the narcissists.On the other hand a lot of people that think that they are FA or AA are in fact borderlines, but they will never admit it to themselves- they like to see themselves as victims, but descriptions of their behaviours in the relationship with assumed DA shows to more problematic than "just " AA or FAattachement style. Of course it's not all of them, but I think a certain number of them are b-clusters - with this they normalize their behaviour and make the other person the villain. As a DA (and me too in some relationships I turned out more AA or FA) I've been dealing with other DAs and narcissists and borderlines and there is a big diffference : DA we have our limits when it comes to emotional availability and disfunctonal behaviour, but in general we tend to be extremely honest, we hate fakeness, we don't lie with intention to manipulate and hurt, we don't manipulate people, we don't gaslight, we don't hurt and push buttons to get our narc supply, we don't intend to profit from people, we don't take their money, we don't plot against them, isolate them and use them like props, we usually explain to people when problems arise what is going on with us as much as we can and we even explain where our limits are, what we likeand not, and what we can not give to partners, friends etc. If we disappeare from someone's life it is after explaning to them several times how we function, what they can expect from us etc. and when we have the same talk 3,4,5 times and people don't understandand and still push us to a corner and expect we will chnge just by talking, we realize that what we feel is a good relationship and what the other person feels and needs is never going come to a solution, so we leave...there is no point of staying, cause...you need what you need and you will hurt staying with us, and we don't want to change the other person and make them suffer....so we leave, there is nothing more to explain and probe the wound ever deeper. These are just some of the points. And when you talk about compassion, empathy....it may be that what we think is empathy and compassion is not entirely the same to what you think - we highly value truth and honesty , even if it hurts, we prefere to be told the truth, the reality....not some nice excuse, for us empathy is to let the other person be as and what they are, we want you to have your own personality, your goals, your life without us, too and we expect the same for us -.here is where our diffrent needs often clash, since we need a lot of space, freedom, trust, no dramas etc. We will accept the critique (maybe not with joy, but we will think about it), we will be there for you when you really need us and we will support you in some way, but only when we feel the need is real, not for every little thing, cause if we feel we are being emotionally manipulated..well..that reminds us too much of our painful past with our parents that used us as their substitute parent, a friend, a target, an enemy or whatever they needed in a certain moment and called us selfish since we were a small child.

@wisewittyandpretty4210 Год назад

I think we have the same mother.

@lejci38 Год назад

@@wisewittyandpretty4210 really sorry... I hope you manage to get out of the situation and get some peace.

@8teillumin 2 года назад

I now know that my ex is a DA and crushed me. I am a recovering F/A and becoming very secure… oh and now a month after our break up she is moving in with the new partner…. Learn about attachment theory… they are wonderful people but they need to help them selves… Do what you need to do for yourself and don’t wait for them to catch up.

@user-yv1fh3fc8y 2 года назад

Great explanations about attachment styles interactions. Your final thought on ‘whether they are willing to work on it’ is the measure as to whether you can have a healthy relationship.

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Thank you!

@hannahbanana1942 3 года назад

Oh my God. A Hedgehog! 😍 Great video!

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

🦔🦔 thank you!

@Dreamsareareality 2 года назад

Yess it is a great video. ❤️👍🏽

@ZenPepperClub 2 года назад

Dismissive avoidents are a fantastic subject completely fascinating to me since I'm chasing after one, it's intriguing to learn about the defense mechanisms that they use, This is a fantastic video and if you could do more on dismissive avoidant behavior, I know there's a lot more than could be fit on this short video but it's always fascinating

@universaltruth2025 Год назад

Good luck. You’ll never break down their defences though, lol

@jesseburgener442 6 месяцев назад

I'm curious, how'd this shake out, if you don't mind me asking? I temporarily dated/pursued a life with someone with DA, and I found that the more you try to get them to open up or come out of that mentality, the more they try to retract or run away. I don't think it's impossible, but I'd love to hear a success story about it.

@CristianaCatólica 3 года назад

EXCELLENT DESCRIPTON AS ALWAYS,......THANK U......IF YOU COULD TALK HOW TO IDENTIFY AN AVOIDANT IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT START IN LONG.DISTANCE WHEN THEY CAN SEEM MUCH MORE SECURE......AND HOW THEIR ATTITUDE CAN CHANGE WHEN THEY FINALLY MOVE TO MEET YOU, BECOME OFICIAL, BE CLOSER THAN BEFORE AND ALL THAT......BLESSINGS!!!

@daughteroflight8624 2 года назад

I think playboys have avoidant dismissive attachment style. Thanks for sharing. 🧡💜

@bongjamesbong00420 2 года назад

I feel trapped like I'm responsible for my partners happiness and it's draining. I feel like I have to answer to them and it's triggering and draining but they insist that nobody will love me like they do and make me feel guilty and like I'm the one throwing the relationship away but I feel immense pressure and feel enmeshed and trapped. I care very much about their feelings but I'm triggered by the feeling of enmeshment and codependency.

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Hi. I would highly recommend watching my video on boundaries. It can be found in my Playlist section! I hope it's helpful for your situation.

@universaltruth2025 Год назад

One thing I’ve come to realise is that DAs are not always unhappy. I always assumed my DA husband was silently moody like my narcissistic father who was often angry and usually silent. Now I realise he’s probably just thinking about whatever he’s currently doing. Same with my DA mother. I often don’t hear from her for days & start to worry that she’s depressed and isolated. But when I hear from her or contact her she’s usually just bright as a button telling me all about her latest plans and activities. So I’ve stopped worrying about her. And if she does get worried about something, she just dumps it on me then exits the conversation fairly quickly. You end up feeling lonely being with them though because they never need your advice or reassurance about anything much. Its just a transactional relationship.

@bobsnow1782 2 года назад

My 43 year ex is this to a “T”. It started 2 months ago when I started to notice her pulling away. I picked up early in the relationship that she is a closed off person and doesn’t like to discuss feelings so I never pushed her in that way. But she noticed I would get upset in bed when she would just roll over and turn her back to me. She started saying things like “I love you but I’m afraid of commitment and afraid to fail so I always have my running shoes on”, “I want to “WANT” to be with you but I don’t”, “I’m tired of a relationship running through my head constantly”. She would say these things and 2 days later be fine until a month ago where she just text me and said she needs space for now in a text. I did all the wrong things the first 5 days and not heard from her since unless she knows I’m pissed and she’ll text me almost instantly. I love her but I’m not sure if I should wait on her or if she’ll even come back at this point? The thing that hurts is looking at her I knew she loved me. We were a great couple together….Ugh!!

@thenativist6330 Год назад

Bro,, she doesn’t love you..never did..move on and forget her.. don’t waste your energy on it..

@CryptoTaurusMoon Год назад

I spent 2 years with the same type of woman. DA to a T. She loves you, but needs to reset. Give her space and work on your own flaws. She'll get back to you or hit her up in a couple months

@TheKruelka 2 года назад

My ex said once to me that his ex will "be there forever" in his life, and anyone who wants to build something with him is going to need to accept it. Is it possible that it is a coping strategy of a dismissive avoidant person?

@Thisisrenae 2 года назад

Dismissive avoidant here that was raised by a anxious preoccupied narcissist. Thanks to my emotionally immature parents I’m screwed up!😩

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Definitely not. Attachment styles can change over time. It takes work and maybe some therapy and it can look different for the future. Unfortunately, we can't pick who raised us and as unfair as it is - we have to choose how we respond when we notice things about ourselves and our behaviors that are interfering with things we value. I do plan to make more videos on working to change your attachment style and start to lean more secure in the future. ❤️

@ruggedlifejewelry 2 года назад

Hey girl, can you make a video on how to get your DA to see they are da and to take action as they have high opinions of themselves and typically think you, the partner, are the "problem" (over reacting, needy, clingy, etc). Thanks!

@ruggedlifejewelry 2 года назад

also if you can get them to admit it where would they start healing?

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Yes I could! Great topic

@octane_rl4659 2 года назад

Up and down, hot and cold, sums it up

@akuasalaam490 2 года назад

They need a lot of THERAPY, and often DON'T GO!!!!!!!!!!!! Run away as fast as you can!

@1286cassandra Год назад

No admittance being da. I feel stuck esp we share hobbies at same venue. Am exhausted hust doing all vids and research-and journaling!!!😢

@carlospomares3225 Год назад

"Run away as fast as you can!" Can you be any more dramatic?

@lindawitherington896 Год назад

Support people who are Suffering !! “They are suffering” They need people who care about them,- people who are mature enough who would take the TIME to love and understand them- and what they’ve gone through.

@ashton1952 5 месяцев назад

@@lindawitherington896people are too busy feeling angry and bitter because the primary focus is what they can get out of a relationship. DA requires someone with a notion of unconditional love. It's really not for everyone because it requires a high level of consciousness, and most people are too immature and busy calling the others immature because their needs are what they are about.

@karlashmeedavlasta6365 2 года назад

Next time I miss my ex, I just put a cactus in my pocket

@GTO.007 2 года назад

I can’t help laughing at your comment. So resonated with you lol!

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

😆 same

@stalkek 6 месяцев назад

Just watched a few of your videos- great content thanks

@jennaschaeferlpc 6 месяцев назад

Thanks for watching!

@mikyl-fo8rh Год назад

Great insights!

@tucky3191 3 года назад

More on attachment styles please!!!

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

I am going to be making videos on the other ones. 🙂 if you want to see something specific - please let me know! I love requests and usually more than one person has the same question.

@ericablaschke3497 3 года назад

Can a dismissive avoidant have narcissistic traits. My mom is dismissive avoidant however if confronted she will play the victim and shift the blame back to me unable to accept any responsibility. She will also discuss our problems to my sisters. If there is a problem she will deny it and not wish to figure out how to solve the problem. She is absorbed by her needs and seems to have little empathy towards others. So I am confused is she a dismissive avoidant or a covert narcissist

@uniquedavenport7232 3 года назад

Dismissive avoidants do have narcissist traits 1000 percent but not all dismissives are narcissist they often act In the same manner but for different reasonings there is a difference between the two

@ericablaschke3497 3 года назад

@@uniquedavenport7232 It is still difficult having a mother as a child. I understand the reason is different then a narcissist but it still it is toxic no matter what the reason. . She has very narcissistic traits and acts more like an injured child then an adult. She has ruined my life and has no insight. She cold and rejecting and has been for years but she is more focused on her pain and how I hurt her rather then acknowledging or admitting she is the victim. I have to be the adult admit wrongdoing doing and take responsibility. Even as a teen she did this. Little empathy

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

Yes. Someone can definitely be both. I made a video on this, comparing and contrasting both. It's called covert narcissist vs dismissive avoidant attachment style. It can be found on both my narcissists Playlist and toxic, toxic, toxic Playlist!

@vladpierre2694 6 месяцев назад

This was good.

@mikelanglow-bi2sv Год назад

Very helpful.

@maritshirin88 2 года назад

I’ve been studying this so much the past couple of months to try at least to be with a DA. I believe my tolerance, patience and self awareness has been so truly deepened because of it. So incredibly painful, but I see it as a sort of practice for myself. Since I am an AA.. painful indeed. But since I’ve been able to become aware of my attachment, been able to redirect my thoughts and developing from this, it should not be impossible for a DA to do the same. Thing is, this person I am with, has a great spiritual awareness - I’ve tried to look at it as if he/she has the potential to develop. But I do not know? Do you interpret the signs of understanding and support as signs of this? Even if they pull away again?

@universaltruth2025 Год назад

They don’t tend to change imo. You’ll always feel you want more from them than they are prepared to give.

@lianevoelker9845 Год назад

Spiritual bypassing?

@maritshirin88 Год назад

Good formulation.@@lianevoelker9845

@christineschaefer4292 3 года назад

Great video. Enjoyed seeing my grand-hog sonic.

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

Lol thanks! I'm not sure he enjoyed as much but we are working on his camera presence. 🦔

@andrew-isac 2 года назад

U ve a great knowledge great videos

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

Thank you!

@brisco546 2 года назад

I had to walk away from this situation and I'm still struggling with the withdrawal even though it happened on Sunday/Monday. We were at the 3 month point and I was about to ask if this was going anywhere because he needed a lot space in general (throws himself into work, very little free time) but when I tried to pull away just a month ago, he came back and was putting in more effort. He called me a new term of endearment 2 days before I had asked him to see him the following week which was more frequent than usual. He suddenly says that he knows I want something regular/serious but he realized he doesn't and wants to be unattached but he still wants to see me. Who says that they want to remain unattached?! I had 2 psychology and trauma informed friends tell me that he was avoidant throughout the 3 months even before this happened earlier in the week. I told him that I wish I had known this before and that I need time and space. He said he understood and said good morning the next day as though I was going to keep speaking to him. I didn't respond and I miss him a lot. I'm still personalizing it, I've been crying and depressed. I wondered if he just talked to me most days over 3 months, introduced me to some of his friends, reached out when I stopped responding to him a month ago, because he wanted sex but I was never a booty call. We did sleep together a few times but it was a while into dating and it was never booty call meet ups. It would seem like he cared but then he would seem so rigid/distant/aloof/stoic the longer I knew him. I want him to come back and change his mind but I doubt he will. I'm not sure what to do. The anxiety I felt during sucked but the highs were so good. I just have a hard time accepting that this is his programming and it's not because he doesn't/didn't like me. I wonder if he realizes that he hurt me. I have to use my brain and walk away. He's always go go go so he's probably not even thinking about me.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

I am a DA and I know that he still thinks of you but his fears are to great. Not fun being trapped inside of yourself with no way out! Self imposed prison of emotional isolation is our curse? :(

@brisco546 2 года назад

@@mbankslje0nk I appreciate you saying this. I've been so upset. I doubt he will ever reach out again but it's been so tough thinking about whether he even cares/d or whether he knows how much I'm hurting. I wonder why he kept talking to me for 3.25 months if he knew my intentions and why he'd call me sweetie for the first time two days before he said that he suddenly realized he doesn't want regular/serious anything and wants to be unattached. I'm an FA so I've withdrawn into myself completely and just have been so heartbroken. You have self awareness and I think that'll help you thrive in the long run despite how painful being an avoidant is. Thank you for your comment 💜

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

@@brisco546 I have done the same to others in the past that I cared about. But my fear for survival caused me to run. The issue lays within us and not you. So sorry you were hurt.

@lakeishag76 2 года назад

When you mentioned going on a date and never hearing from them again… that’s me 😂😂😂 it hurts to know the truth.

@rp3741 2 года назад

When did she mention that

@YumixNightmare 2 года назад

Oh... yep he's DA for sure. He sabotages all the time... and he's not emotionally mature. Cause he's selfish.. 33 years old and he's a child 🙄

@akuasalaam490 2 года назад

I feel you're pain. They have the emotional IQ of a 5 year old.

@seynidonna3261 Год назад

Same with mine 32 years old and he is so selfish and emotionally immature

@carlospomares3225 Год назад

The way you talk about your partners (hopefully ex's at this point) is disgusting

@YumixNightmare Год назад

@@carlospomares3225 Narcissists don't treat people right and should not be defended. Are you a narcissist Carlos?

@YumixNightmare Год назад

@@carlospomares3225 Or DA?

@melsblacks2013 3 года назад

I think its the same pot ....Narcissism, AD and Emotional immature

@JupGem 2 года назад

Me too.

@mariahconklin4150 2 года назад

My boyfriends mom dismissed his feelings so now I notice how he dismisses mine. It’s pretty hurtful. Even if my accomplishments seems silly I don’t need to be told by him that they are silly. I got the “that’s an accomplishment?” It was pretty hurtful…then I act like it doesn’t bother me and take his side it’s very hurtful though.

@seapeajones 2 года назад

Don't. I'm DA & I tell my wife she has to let me know. Being DA can't be the end of the world, & it doesn't excuse being hurtful. I think we need to be more aware as a start.

@universaltruth2025 Год назад

My DA husband has told me I’m a hypochondriac. (He’s allowed to have health issues but mine are insignificant). Minimising your experience is kind of a DA thing.

@soniaperez1000 Год назад

How about the avoidant covert narcissist married to the anxious attachment wife, me. Struggle with guilt, confusion, doubt, loneliness and rejection

@creative-renaissance Год назад

I think I must be a DA after loads of failed relationships. I never had a problem getting into a relationship, but holding onto them is another matter. Pretty much accepted that I am better off alone now. At 60 I think I am probably too old to change anyway.

@richardgulan784 3 года назад

Yes make more videos, please. How do you tell your wife she is a dismissive avoidant?

@seapeajones 2 года назад

DA male here. I found out by accident. help your wife have a fortunate accident. Take her phone & introduce attachment style to her RU-vid feed. if she "discovers" it on her own, her shame isn't triggered, you avoid a shut down & she probably will start looking it up, if she wants to change.

@jlux4481 Год назад

That’s me 100%

@k.c.sunshine1934 Год назад

I've been diagnosed as Avoidant PD (AvPD) and I am curious what the relationship is between AvPD and attachment styles like DA.

@YumixNightmare 2 года назад

I'm preoccupied anxious.... going on 4 years with DA (or narcissist not sure).. his dad is not in the picture so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it

@ericablaschke3497 2 года назад

What about dismissive avoidants who get married and have kids. If they are trying to meet their own emotional needs. A child can’t get up and leave like a partner can. It is one thing if this type of attachment is able to recognize this and work on their issues. But if they have no insight they are not there for their children emotionally. Then who is there for the child. They are creating trauma for their children and should not have kids . It is not fair to the children. You are just damaging another generation

@andrewparry1474 2 года назад

Yes, like ALL insecure attachment, it takes a monumental effort to stop the trauma being intergenerational!

@dannywholuv 2 года назад

Im dating a DA who has a child (who of course she puts off letting me meet) . Ive heard her say that she hates her ex making a fuss when the child falls over or cries etc. Ie she is dismissive of the child. This is alarming as she is really just creating that unhealthy void of emotion that she was prone to from her own mother thus repeating the cycle.

@lianevoelker9845 Год назад

100% agree. The DA I dated that he would want to raise a child in a way that it's considered neglect! That's when my alarm bells turned on, that's when I left. He truly deeply believes, that you can only survive in this world when you are independent and by yourself. So so sad.

@flacohernandez4380 2 года назад

It's crazy I was just dating a girl like this, constant hot and cold behavior, she was 30 and never had a boyfriend before. 3rd date went really well, very intimate, she cried and told me why she had never been in a relationship and we made out but the said she was not ready for sex and I backed off. It's all been downhill since then, she told me she thinks I'm crazy for wanting to be with her and she does not want to get close so she won't have to miss me. Yet she seems to enjoy hanging out with her friends whom are just acquintances. I kinda just felt she wasn't into me but this describes her to a T it's actually shocking.

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

I'm glad it was helpful! Many times, folks with avoidant attachment styles fear rejection so much- they intentionally sabotage and push people away first as a protective mechanism. It is very painful.

@flacohernandez4380 2 года назад

@@jennaschaeferlpc You are right she did tell me multiple times she did not want to get close to me for fear of missing me and liking me too much. She also told me she thinks she will die alone. Finding it hard to make sense of that, how do you like someone but are scared of being with and getting close to them? This is a 30 year old woman.

@zzzzz2120 2 года назад

I am generally an AP but I love being alone.

@supratimsarkar3111 2 года назад

Yea i am preoccupied one

@zgwylie 3 года назад

do the video on narcissists being anxious avoidant please

@jennaschaeferlpc 3 года назад

I will add that to the list just! I just filmed today about narcissists and love. That will be a good one to check out too. :)

@VMorgenthaler-yp6yz Год назад

Or, they find someone new and dump you. They will eventually do that again once that person gets close. And DO NOT discount the role that their sexual attraction plays in propelling them into a relationship. You think it's a relationship but they don't. They want an experience. Make them be honest about that. Date for at least 3 months with NO sex. Pay attention.

@brocklee7067 2 года назад

As a DA, I love these video but hate these comments. I acknowledge my DA and am working with on it with therapy and practicing good habits. I understand why everyone feels this way. I just wish they'd exhibit the empathy they also want.

@jennaschaeferlpc 2 года назад

I think it's awesome you're working on your attachment style and going to therapy! That's fantastic to hear and can make sure a huge difference in relationship functioning! 😀

@stacyhayward5073 2 года назад

I agree…. DAs are often just labelled as the bad person to stay away from. But as you said, people want empathy but are not willing to give it. I really dislike reading comments on these sort of videos.

@brocklee7067 2 года назад

@@stacyhayward5073 yep, I was dealing with a lot guilt and self-loathing. I'm learning to be kinder to myself. With that kindness comes with knowing I'm not that guy anymore. Demonizing people for things that we're unintentional is something I've also learned not to do and I wish more videos on DA touched on that topic.

@stacyhayward5073 2 года назад

@@brocklee7067 I feel you… especially as one of the core wounds of a DA is “I’m defective”, so working on being kinder to yourself is key. You’re clearly very self aware and are doing your best to work on yourself. I’m actually FA but DA leaning… I would often find with my AP ex that his empathy wasn’t exactly amazing when I tried to discuss attachment styles with him… I was cold, a robot, horrible, mentally ill etc… So much for compassion lol. I too have just gotten myself a therapist, Iv been working on myself for years… it hurts though when others can’t see that and they just demonise you. I hope everything works out for you… just remember, there’s nothing wrong with you ❤️

@jordans03 Месяц назад

You're probably a part of the 10% of DA's who actually acknowledge their attachment AND actively work on themselves... The comments you see aren't about you, they're about those that avoid their categorization & avoid seeking help/working on themselves

@420_9R8R Год назад

How does their needing space work for marriage? 25 yrs in already 🙈

@jennaschaeferlpc Год назад

Good question! I would just make sure they get enough of alone time and see if that helps them out. They can tend to feel smothered if people are in their space all of the time, if that makes sense.