Let me know below- how defensive are you? Which strategies would you like to try? Remember to download your free guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide
I am not defensive in my professional life. However, I get very defensive with my significant other when they tell me I did things that I did not. I am pretty good at accepting feedback if I did do something wrong and I apologize. But when they get upset, they say exaggerated things or things that are outright incorrect. I noticed that this happens most often when she is having her period. How do I continue the conversation based on a premise that isn't correct? I tried to neither agree or disagree with the statement by not answering her follow up question, but she thinks I am stonewalling her when I try that. Do I say nothing and apologize and let that person think that I agree that I did something wrong when I didn't? Won't this build up over time and cause issues in of itself if my significant other thinks I am always messing up and I don't disagree?
If you don't have much time, here's a video summary: 1. Move from reacting to asking questions. Get feedback. Take it as a growth opportunity. Listen with an open mind. Don't go into fight or flight. 2. Raise your self-esteem. 3. Have boundaries. 4. Don't let people whose opinion you don't respect give you critical feedback. Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you. 5. Practice mindfulness. Medidate to create space between the thought and action.
Thanks Terri 😊. This information couples well with your “Father Wound” course. I am working my way through that and now see defensiveness as a pattern from childhood. I am more free each day ♥️.
If I wasn't at work, I'd be slobber crying. This is my kryptonite. It has ruined my life. I will subscribe and begin my journey to change. To know someone can explain and teach how to stop this! This is a blessing.
@@terri_cole thank you so so so much. That's awesome to hear from someone who was exactly like me!!! 😭 If you can do this I can too. It's just amazing to find my "how do I do this?"And have a knowing that I can do this!.
I realize now that I have been defensive in some relationships. My upbringing was shaming and blaming and being punished or shamed for even the smallest mistakes. I remember being ranted at for a 3 hours car ride for just saying that awful word "jock" in a conversation with a guy my age that my mother was apparently eavesdropping on. "No lady uses that word and what will other people think about us that you're using that word!" My father just drove and let it go on and on. I was 14. I remember thinking then. As soon as I could that I was going to move out, and get away from them.
you are amazing... clear, concise, kind, knowledgeable, I just love your podcasts! I asked my therapist a few years ago to point me in the direction to someone that explains co-dependency/narcissistic abuse... you came up and Dr Ramani. Oooh to hear you two chat would be out of this world. Thank you sooo much. You will never know how much you have helped me. Thank you
❤ Thank you Terri , love this podcast and it reminded me the way I use to be when was young.Until one day someone said something similar as your boss did. Then I started questioning myself and worked on it Now I see it in my daughter ( she loved your book “ boundary boss” by the way ). I brought her attention to that and she was defensive about being defensive ..but..we are working together and I can say everything is going right direction.
I'm trying to get promoted at work, my manager is one of those rare, amazing people and he thinks my fear of failure and inability to take criticism, is holding me back. The good news is, I know exactly where it comes from; the bad news is that it's not an easy or quick fix. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to the tone, regardless of what is said, or who is saying it. The concepts of mistakes not making me a horrible person, and that someone is giving it because they care enough to want to help, and not destroy me are completely foreign to me.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like there might be something to journal about there- why do you think mistakes automatically mean you are a horrible person? When you think of "someone is giving it because they care enough to want to help and not destroy me," where does this belief come from? If you had experiences that taught you this in the past, it can be helpful to shine a light on them and remember that then is not now. (If these are traumatic memories, I suggest getting the help of a therapist to guide you through it. ❤️) Or, if it's possible, gather evidence of when coworkers have given you suggestions because they care. Your manager sounds like a good example of that. I have some other prompts in the guide for this episode that may be helpful, too: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/
Thank you, Terri. I am in a rocky relationship that is hopefully on its way back to success. I am grateful for your videos. I gather so much from them and am using the beneficial information you offer every day. Thank you again
Being defensive is my biggest downfall…it’s now become an unconscious behavior when it’s happening but once everything is said and done I realize how defensive I was being and I feel crappy and apologetic but the damage is done….but how do you fight not being defensive with another defensive judgmental person? Knowing how conversations always go with certain people in my life it automatically triggers it when a conversation is needed to be had…But I want to stop that behavior I’m to old and a women to still come off aggressive and masculine🫣😢🥺
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like you know who triggers this defensiveness in you. With that knowledge, you can become aware in the moment and change the dance. You can choose to respond differently. It's really, really hard, but also worthwhile. You can also try and set a boundary- let this person know you want to have more constructive conversations. Take responsibility for your defensiveness in the past/the role you've played in past interactions. You can also tell them if things get too heated, you will walk away to cool down and preserve the relationship. (Basically, you're walking away because you care- not because you're trying to punish them.) In the moment, you can say something like, "I let you know I would walk away when things got too heated and they're going that way. Let's try a different approach." And if they don't budge, "Okay, I am going to walk away from this conversation now to cool down. Let's resume this conversation in ... hours/days." For yourself, you can also ask the 3 Qs for clarity when it comes to the specific people you find yourself getting defensive with: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) Why or how is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? These questions may give you some clarity on what is activating you. Again, knowledge is power because when you're aware, you can change it. ❤️ Last tip- you can try rehearsing what you want to say before you have the conversation. If you'd rather deliver it with more softness and love, record yourself saying what you want to say and listen back to it. Make tweaks. Practice in front of a mirror. Try some breath work to get into a calmer state. Say what you need to say with a smile. And be gentle on yourself- this new way of communicating might take a while to feel comfortable with. I hope some of these tips help!
I had a good childhood and my parents were not critical . However after being married with a covert narcissistic husband who was always antagonistic, I became very ver defensive until I learned about his problem that I stopped being defensive and I had to work hard at it after 25 years of being in this relationships not knowing what I’m dealing with . Thanks for your session you are amazing !!
I'm recognise that behaviour on my relationship, so late unfortunately, on my 35-40th .. it's take me a lot to get rid of it but I finally succeeded and started to grow much more and faster. Thank you for your video lessons, best regards from Serbia ❤❤
I'm needing this more as I get a bit older. I was in the Marines at 18. Only child, weird, kind of isolated. Any single mistake in the military, any shortcoming, was met with hazing, screams, physical violence, etc. My response to criticism used to be to freeze and simply take my verbal lashings and go about my way. As a person that operates in a regular society now with people whom I love all around me, I never learned any other method of taking criticism, so I just default to defensiveness because Im afraid. Im afraid because the people asking to work on my shortcomings and mistakes are people that I love, and I want to do anything I can to keep them from being what my superiors in the military were to me (simply put, they were demons). My automatic response to criticism for the longest time since getting out was defensiveness and making sure I was the one that was right and that I was never wrong, because being wrong meant that they had cause to be demons to me as well. It's been difficult to move away from that. It already cost me one relationship. Im glad I can work a bit more towards being a good man with videos like these.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us. That sounds like such a difficult situation and it makes sense why you feel afraid. If therapy is accessible to you, have you considered unpacking this with a professional? Especially the belief that being wrong means your loved ones have cause to be demons to you. Otherwise, if you have emotionally trustworthy folks in your circle, you could try sharing that you get defensive because you're afraid. It may help them understand where you're coming from and gives you both something to work on and toward (compassion!). ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear it's something you're struggling with. ❤️ Can I ask, do you believe your partner is approaching you in a way where you can receive what they're saying? Or are they approaching you harshly? I have a video about that here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-BDLLGVCSulE.html It's more for the other party on how to approach a defensive partner, but the reason I ask is because both parties need to be committed to effective communication. Bringing up issues in the relationship is important, but it's also important to be considerate. ❤️
@terri_cole sometimes I would approach my partner on things that are bothering me, then when they say how they feel I get defensive over certain things and seem to always have an excuse as to why. I don't know why I'm this way
A few things things- 1) how are you approaching your partner? What tone of voice are you using? Are *they* getting defensive in response to what you're saying? 2) Is your partner hearing you, understanding you, and reflecting back to you what they heard, before saying how they feel? Do you feel heard at all? 3) What outcome are you looking for when you share these things with your partner, and have you/can you communicate that to them? The reframe I try to offer my clients is to shift the focus from being "us against each other" to "us against the problem." For example, instead of someone saying, "It makes me so mad when I come home and you immediately start complaining about work," say, "Hey, I love you and I want to support you and hear about your day, but I need 20 minutes for myself to decompress from my own workday. Once I've recharged, I'm all ears for you." It also helps to establish fair fighting rules (which I go into in this video: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Gbb-VOXfFRk.html) during a neutral time to make fights "cleaner" and less prone to saying things that might activate defensiveness. Lastly, I have questions in the guide for this episode that might help shed light on why you're defensive: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide
Also, i just have to tell you, Terri.. I just finished reading the chapter titled Boundary Destroyer’s… and i had to stop and hug the book and cry and whisper (to you) thank you 🙏☺️❣️ you obviously understand & I thank you for that.
Here i find the truth no wise woman is fool to like someone who is not into her. She wont take this risk. Wise woman got special senses. A child man worries about devilish women. Women dont risk their life for someone who is not into her. This is deep truth. Western women are much mature bcoz they understand relationship with it's true meaning. You are so on point 🎯 Grilling roasting is just time pass not a good deal. Bless you for this eye opener log 👏🏽
I have defensive arguments with my spouse. How do you stop being defensive when your sis in law has told so many lies about you but your spouse believes her over you and there’s been so much side talks about you that the whole family acts weird? What do I do then??
This sounds like a very difficult situation and a tough spot for you to be in. ❤️ It also sounds like this is more about your relationship with your husband, rather than with the entire family. I think you need to hear each other in new ways and validate what the other person feels (even if each of you disagrees with the “facts”, you can still validate feelings). Also, increasing the vulnerability that is shared between the two of you will help you to be less defensive. If you’re coming to him, sharing your real feelings and using “I” statements, that will decrease both of your defensiveness. For example, “I feel misunderstood and emotionally abandoned when we have these conflicts with your family. I feel lonely and sad.” Rather than, “You choosing your sister over me hurts my feelings. One is an honest and vulnerable share and the other is an accusation. I hope that helps!
Thank you for all the work you’re doing ❤ it is helping me so much to unravel my life and has been integral in helping me find myself for the first time in my life. Which in turn, is helping me become a better daughter, sister, mother, and overall person. You are so appreciated!
Terri, Hi Rose here. In 2020 I had a stroke. About 2 months ago I had a cardiac arrest. I'm angry n often lash out at my husband of 47 years. He is learning from your videos. ❤ Rose 🌹
Thank you Terry for your amazing work! I have been going through the most especially my struggle regarding my same sex sexuality. The world is cruel out there however thanks to your advice and guidance I am starting to build my confidence and self-esteem step-by-step. Thank you 😊
Terri couple of questions: 1) Do you do any live therapy work? or group work... 2) Do you have any in person seminars? or Zoom? 3) what about that basement? Don't want to go down there alone! No but seriously, I have "felt through" lived through so many old spooks, but I would like to be able to "clean out the basement" Etc.
Hey there, I do have group courses where I do live calls on Zoom with all the students ❤ Right now, because I am focused on writing my next book, Boundary Boss Bootcamp is the only one with live calls. You can check it out here: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp These aren't necessarily "group therapy" calls, though- I take questions from students and answer them, offer encouragement, and do some live teaching. As for the basement, you are so not alone. ❤ I have a free community that is private and away from social media if you'd like to join other like-hearted folks going through a similar journey: terri-cole-vips.mn.co
I consider the source of the person being critical or pushing unsolicited advice. For the former, if they are someone I respect, I take their constructive feedback into account. If they are someone who is a mess, I take it with a grain of salt. If they are offering unsolicited advice, I laugh it off or tell them maybe they would like to do whatever it is they're telling me that I should do. You don't owe anybody an explanation unless they are your boss and it's required.
I think it depends on if that staff member works for you or if you work for them or if you are coworkers. If you are coworkers and they are accusing you behind your back to others- I would not do anything until and unless they say it to your face. Responding to rumors is not empowering. If it is an ongoing situation, I would consider talking to your Human Resources department. I hope it resolves soon ❤️
Thank you for this video Terri. I'm glad to hear the explanation between defensiveness and discerning. . I think that and by large defensiveness comes from a place of criticism and a defence/stop from being judged. It can occur almost automatically and reflecting into why's or as you well put it doing "basement work" is a very good strategy to improve ourselves and how we relate to people that matters. Also glad to have ordered boundarybossworkbook already. 😊
Hi Terri, I’m totally new here, I just subscribed a few minutes ago. I’m at the edge of breaking up with my boyfriend because of miscommunication and watching your videos makes me feel as if I have been defensive for a while now. I really don’t know what to do to make things better and this makes me really sad.
Hi Mindy, thank you for subscribing and being here ❤️ I am witnessing you with compassion. I have another video on how to communicate effectively during conflict here that has some scripts: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-xpkjFkhK6tg.html I think it could be okay to tell him how you feel- that you realized you might have been being defensive, and see if he is open to figuring out a new, better way to improve, because you want things to be different. I usually suggest a biweekly "State of the Union" date where couples normalize bringing up issues proactively and reaching a solution together, as a team. For example, my husband and I do this on Sundays while drinking coffee and reading the paper.
I’ve had to realize that people are not operating on the same wavelength and it’s important to tune into theirs before they will be able to hear anything you have to offer on the subject
I think that many times I can listen without feeling attacked by my partner, but I have realised that if my partner's criticism is not done with so much love, it activates my defence even more. I have to be the one in charge of bringing love into that conversation? I feel that it is very difficult for me if I already fall into that state, so it should be his task.
I wonder: do people ever get very defensive around people they trust? Like you say, when people are judgemental it's more common to get defensive. So, isn't it a action - reaction thing? Isn't defense ONLY in place when there is an attack of some sort, no matter how subtle? What I'm trying to figure out is, when someone gets defensive because of an emotional flashback, is there always some validity in that, because they were triggered? I used to be extremely defensive because of CPTSD. Now I've learned that there is absolutely no point in defending yourself to narcissists because you'll never get them to share your point of view. You can explain your actions until you're blue in the face and next time they will start all over again. It's a complete waste of energy, so I'm not going there anymore. And with others I don't have to defend myself. Having said all this, there is a fine line between explaining and defending. And sometimes that's still hard to figure out for me.
People can get defensive around people they trust if they get internally triggered, whether the other person has done anything to provoke it or not. Our triggers are an inside job based on our lived experiences. ❤️ (I have more on that here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-sCHI7polDEc.html)
How can you practice not being defensive even if the criticism isn’t being brought to you kindly? I don’t have problems receiving someone’s feelings but only if they bring it with calm kindness. When they are unregulated or say it with a hint of shame or cruelty then I immediately feel defensive.
Unkind feedback can be difficult for anyone to receive. ❤️ You can try saying, calmly (as best as you can), "Please do not speak to me that way. I am happy to listen to your concerns if you don't yell/call me names while doing so/etc. If you continue to yell or call me names, I will leave." Set a boundary! If they can't handle that, then just reiterate, "I am open to speaking about this when we're both in a calmer state" and leave. (If you can.) If you think your reaction is amplified (as in, not "normal" or not proportionate to their attitude), you can also try to see if this is reminding you of a past injury with the 3 Qs for clarity: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? For example, perhaps you had a really punitive parental figure and someone offering criticism in a rougher way reminds you of them. It's like our present interactions are actually fueled by past injuries. If this is the case, we want to work on healing those original injuries first by exploring them and journaling about them. Eventually, it's great if we can get to a place where we can stay in the present and observe what is happening from a neutral perspective. "Oh wow, this person seems kind of angry and they're activating me. Oh, I know why. Now is not then." I hope that helps ❤️
Hi, I saw your chanel now and I realize that my sister doesn't talk to me almost never. It is because I tend to react in defenssive. I don't understand how to stop doing that and I just realized it literally now. She tells me things like "i need help" or something in the house. I do it but I roll my eyes first or make some gestures that aren't polite at all. To me it wasn't a big deal until now. I just thought that she was in a bad mood so she didn't want to talk in general. But is with me. I used to be afraid of her a few months ago. But I trully still don't understand why if she never did anything to me. I am a hipersensible person, I feel guilt and cry a lot for this things and then I try to hide it. I feel so ashamed.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ The first step toward changing behavior is self-awareness, which you have here. Now that you know, you can work on changing and understanding. I recommend downloading the guide I created for this episode, as it dives into your downloaded defensive blueprint and might shed some light on where it is coming from: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/ It could be that you are experiencing a transference because your sister reminds you of someone you felt the need to be defensive with in the past. It may be helpful to think back- was there a time you didn't react this way with your sister? Cheering you on ❤️
I can understand not becoming defensive with a mere comment, but if someone is threatening and attacking even verbally then go ahead and defend yourself.
Yes, this video is not about when you are being attacked. This is more about if being defensive is a behavioral pattern that is interfering with your ability to maintain relationships. ❤️
Hi I'm new to this video but it does hit everything on point that I do with my marriage. I do get very defensive when my wife describes how her feelings where hurt by me and how I have invalidated her feelings. It is very hard to not get defensive about what I hear that I'm doing or how I hurt her feelings.
I see you ❤️ Would communicating via text/email work better? Do you think you could listen to your wife and then let her know you need to take some time to digest what she said? This could give you a break from responding defensively and allow you to return to the conversation when things have cooled off.
Then I think it's totally okay to let your wife know that! "Hey babe, I'm really trying to work on my defensiveness. I know I tend to get defensive as soon as you start explaining why you feel a certain way in response to something I did. I think texting/writing it out and communicating about this in a slower way would help me actually listen to you and take in what you're saying without getting consumed by defensiveness. My gut reaction is to get defensive, and having time to respond would really help me do so from a grounded place. What do you think? Can we try it?" ❤️
@terri_cole yeah that is very insitful and I'm glad you gave me those statements cause I would have never been able to think and say it that way. Thank for you time. And yes I will defentily bring it up to my wife and let her know what I'm working on in moment.
Am that person that over thinks things that being said,then I place my self in that situation of blame I should or have done it different ...a problem I have when I started attending in my worship groupe....when attached can't say I become offensive,for no reason You session am going to lessen to again on the right track ....thx
Terri, I wish that you tied PTSD and nervous system dysregulation (a person who is on "high alert" or where their body is stuck in "survival mode") to having defensive behavior. It is not that easy to "take inventory" when something triggers that survival mechanism and I find for myself that my "reaction" is almost automatic. (Something I am working on). But it is HARD!!!! My body sends signals to my brain that I have to fight or flee and before I know it I have no idea even what I am saying. I am very aware when this happens. If my front brain was driving the car I am certain I could make better choices, but until I get that automatic survival response in check I almost feel like a slave to stored energetic memory and have a difficult time "responding"-vs- reacting. Can you do a video on this? For example, defensiveness related to narcissistic abuse and mother wounds and how to help in this area? THANK YOU!
Hey there Carla- thank you for shining a light on this. I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ If meditation feels safe to you, that's something I always recommend in order to create more space for choosing a mindful response. (Insight Timer is one of my favorite tools, and I have free meditations on there, too.) I do have a more general video on identifying and managing emotional triggers (the latter might be useful): ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-sCHI7polDEc.html Since you mentioned energetic memory, I'll also recommend my pal and energy worker Lara Riggio- she may have some exercises that can help ❤️ larariggio.com/
I had this elderly friend whose husband cheated on her and she used to teach me empowerment which i found weird. She was very critical of my life choices. But she definitely was projecting her own demons
Maybe she’s teaching you empowerment in a way that she doesn’t want you to go through what she went through……..I’m thinking that’s her perspective since I do the same thing(who am I to talk, right.?)
@@sandral5086but she was very critical in her tone. She also shamelessly was talking to her friend on the phone saying how skinny I became knowing I was caring for a person with cancer in hospital. We need kindness but not harsh and critical sarcasm. Thanks anyway 🙏🌼
When someone blames me or say me something the things I didn't do. I don't explain them anything and don't feel defensive. But I go in pity mode that how could he think like this? Why doesn't he understand my situation? And then I go silent and start to blame me. What can I do?
It depends- some people unfortunately are committed to misunderstanding us and can manipulate us into blaming ourselves. (I have a video about manipulation tactics here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-XOQDvsK5qcA.html) If this happens with this particular person often, then that could be the case. If, instead, this is a pattern with yourself no matter the person, you may want to ask yourself the 3 questions for clarity: 1. Who does this person remind me of (from my past)? 2. Where have I felt like this before? 3. How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? This might shed some light on why you blame yourself. (For example, it might be that you were the scapegoat in your family of origin and were shamed into blaming yourself as a child.) I also think you can have an honest conversation with someone if they are not abusive. "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about what you said the other day. It really hurt to hear that you think I did ______ and I'd love to get on the same page about this by sharing how I saw the situation." You can see if they are open to it- it's possible they may not be, which means you need to decide what to do with the relationship. I have tips on how to be more discerning about the people in your life in this video: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-v1UQ8e0ZLiY.html I hope that helps 💕
You are so welcome! ❤️ I no longer offer 1:1 therapy or coaching, although I do have group courses and workshops. I did a workshop on the topic of communication with my pal, Mark Groves, that might be helpful if you landed on this video: crushingcommunication.com
I am so so defensive and all my relationships work and personal and I want to change it so bad and I’m not doing a good job and I’m not listening. Well I interrupt and I am the biggest but girl ever. What workbook do you have that can help me get rid of being so defensive, and not listening
Hi there Donna, the guide is in the description of the video ❤️ www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide I hope it helps! I also recommend mindfulness activities as they can help us create pauses which allows for intentional choices (starting to say something or stopping ourselves).
This video is a self-awareness wake-up call for me. I am having real communication issues with the female I have been involved with. The feeling of frustration I get from feeling I am not being listened to and the inevitable back & forth we get into without any real progress being made on either end leads to me lashing out at some point - which I end up deeply regretting. I can admit to defensive behavior as I feel under constant interrogation by that female & I am at a point where I am worried that no matter what I say, my words will be misinterpreted. I really want to work things out because we love each other and we were happy until our recent communication issues just caused an ugly collapse - which we have since started trying to work through. I welcome your input on what I can do to improve the situation I am in as well as the traits I am determined to address in myself? Also, do you have any advice for how to reach someone who is showing signs of being detached from reality but who refuses to consider that possibility. For the record, I have over 10 years of experience in mental health & close to 30 years of my own personal experiences dealing with a condition that I am fortunate enough to have gotten to a more stabilized place. I really enjoy your videos so I will end this with a thank you! 😊
Hey there- I'm so sorry to hear you're in this difficult situation. 💕 I highly recommend downloading the guide for this episode as there are journal prompts that will help you get clarity on these behaviors: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide I also have a few other videos on communication during conflict that might help: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-BDLLGVCSulE.html & ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-xpkjFkhK6tg.html Your partner showing signs of being detached from reality is a hard one without more details, especially as there's only one perspective here. It sounds like you've tried talking to them about it, but have you tried asking open-ended questions to see how they see things? It's possible one or both of you is having a different experience than the other. It's best to be genuinely curious here. Hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole hello thank you for following up. Without getting too detailed, the woman I am talking to has a deep fear something bad is going to happen to her. I sense she has created something in her mind however I am not the one living with that feeling. I just am concerned & I want her to be okay. I will download your guide as a useful reference. Be well!
Hey there- you might want to download the guide for this episode for a more step-by-step approach: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/
Hi there- thanks for asking! ❤️ You can check your local library as I tried to get it in as many libraries possible. It should be available at places like Barnes & Noble as well. It looks like the paperback is available on Amazon US, too. There are more links on this page: boundarybossbook.com/
I got you- Waterstones doesn't seem to have it, but Wordery might work: wordery.com/boundary-boss-terri-cole-9781649630551?cTrk=MjAxNDQ0ODMxfDY1MmU4ZDgyYTQzZGI6MToxOjY1MmU4ZDc5YjBiYmM5LjA5NzExMjU4OmMxM2Y1NzEz
I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️ I have a video about manipulation here that may be helpful: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-K4lf--Y34xw.html
I look at it more like LET THEM THINK WHAT THEY THINK as opposed to taking it on. I am not saying to never get clear if there is a misunderstanding- just that the more you need to control what others think about you, the more control they have over you.
But what if you do all this stuff and it still doesn't get any better for you and the person just keeps holding on to the stuff if you will a tally and say that they don't use tally system but yet you know that they do because they bring up all of your mistakes when it's not the argument at hand, so like I don't know I don't know what to do about our marriage it's ridiculous it's constant like I do bad and then yells at me for doing stuff and then turns around and we'll do the same stuff she yells at me for but I'm in the wrong, she I'm fixing the car and mowing the grass she's typing away on the computer sitting in the same spot she does all day long, she does have a kind of demanding job but she went from full-time down to part-time down to two days a week, forget those two days turn into 40 hours of typing and zero help around the house yells at me I was at the kids just I'm always wrong and if I bring up anything like that it's you did this you did that, but like starts yelling at me over stuff I did a week ago and not the problem at hand, she's very smart girl she's high IQ for sure, but like she knows how to use wordsin such a way that it just like makes you feel like you're wrong always even though you're right and I try not to be defensive but it's like how can you not be defensive when somebody's telling you not to do something while doing it, I'm right now walking around aimlessly because I had to leave over a situation that wasn't even what she thought it didn't happen the way that she said she wasn't even in the room, so it's like I don't even want to be with this girl no more like I love her to death I do but it's like the past two years have been so toxic and it's always blamed on me, I've known her for 18 years and then we got married so now it's like 22 years that we've been around each other but it's only the past couple years that it's been crap we had two kids during covid so now we got a three and a 4 year old and a 13-year-old who's not doing the greatest who's making bad choices so it's putting a hindrance on us anyways it's like how do you do anything, when it's always like it's your fault I am perfect I do nothing wrong I'm just so frustrated I had to vent to something, I have nobody nothing just a a job and my kids that I have to take care of every day, I don't expect anybody to read this, I'm just another cog in the works of more than a million people that have to struggle everyday with the better half but anyways makes me feel a little bit better walking around at 2:00 in the morning , but I came across your channel and I've watched a few videos, so it's actually kind of nice and giving me a better understanding considering I don't get the understanding from my equal partner, I know people can't be like equals I know I got to be a dad and I got to do some , I know people can't be like equals I know I got to be a dad , she's got to be a mother, I know they're different roles, but anyways like I said great to vent to something
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ I'm sorry to hear you're navigating so many difficult dynamics with your partner and your children. This video is more for folks who have a consistent pattern of being defensive. It sounds like you're facing constant blame and in that kind of situation, it makes sense you'd feel defensive, especially if your partner is putting words in your mouth or telling you that you're doing things wrong all the time. My suggestion would be, if at all possible, to have a conversation with her during a neutral time to tell her how this is making you feel. Like, "I want to tell you this because I love you and our relationship is important to me. It really bums me out that I feel like I can't speak to you about things or do anything right by you. I want us to figure out a way forward, together." The reframe is: it's you two against a problem, not you two against each other, if that makes sense. If she's not willing to listen, she may have her own work to do. You could also try suggesting couple's counseling if it's accessible for you both, as a neutral third-party mediator may be able to help guide you through some of the arguments you tend to have repeatedly. ❤️ In case you haven't seen it, I have a video on how to approach a defensive partner here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-BDLLGVCSulE.html
being defensive is my greatest flaw and my greatest challenge I have yet to overcome. I don't know how to avoid it sometimes because it's become so second nature to me. thank you for this video. I'm trying my best to work on this.
Overly guarding ones self out of some fear of harm, after multiple decades of trauma survival, needless to say can make the kindest seem ferallly vicious...
I had to step away from a relationship because of this. I couldn't have any conversations with the person because they instantly jumped to "war", blame, and I was wrong. Communicating was near impossible, it was exhausting.
Karyn I totally understand what you’re saying which is why I sought out this video. I love my man but I feel like his defensiveness is going to make our new relationship hard and ruin it. Everything is blown out of proportion and exaggerated. He tells me I said things I did not say and misinterprets my words even when I’m being intentional about choosing them as to not cause offense. It’s draining and counterproductive. I am going to request and actually be firm about it that I’d like him to watch her videos on the subject if our relationship is to thrive.
@nylaskye I finally suggested and then asked to go to couples counseling, he said no. I finally said, "That's ok if you don't want to go, but I'm going to go." He said he thought that was a good idea. I then said, " I'm going to do it for 6 months, and after the 6 months, I let you know if I'm going to stay in the relationship or leave." He had very little to say after that, and over those 6 months, he made very little attempt to engage with me. In fact, he became very disengaged and avoidant. After 6 months, I decided to leave. He said he thought that was a good idea. I wasn't in a position to leave for a couple of months. During those months, I packed up and figured out my plan, during which he loved bombed me the entire time and was never defensive. It was so hard, but why change once he knew I was leaving? He could have been doing that the whole time but chose not to. It wasn't a healthy situation for either of us, so I left. Not to take away from Teri, she's awesome! But maybe add to your videos to watch JimmyonRelationships.
15:05 1st Fav Line ☆Choosing to take critcal feedback from people you respect (people you care about & people that truly care about you) make it easier knowing it comes from a loving source (& Boundaries from people you dont care about or opinions dont value)
I am immensly grateful for you, came across you a couple of years ago on the women of impact channel. And took my first deep dive into your stuff then. I have defaulted back to your content these past couple of years on my worst days. I have cptsd and have spent the last 5 years studying and healing to combat being frozen in hell. I am part of a cptsd community (traumatized motherfxckers) where we have a podcast and online support group and I have shared your definitions with the community frequently. Thank you for all you do, and if the weekly live streams are going to become a regular thing I will fersure aim to integrate it into my routine.
18:04 2nd Fav Line ☆Dont be open to hear to some people. Not because defensive, but because discerning -> Can't worry what everyone thinks. -Only people that love you, respect, and trust really listen with intent of LEARNING when giving critical feedback :)
Thank you for making this your mission. You could just keep this wisdom to yourself and there are reasons why someone like you might not take the time and the potential risk associated with bringing these insights to the world. This video was head and shoulders above the normal RU-vid standard in its content and persuasion. Because I teach personal development, I am a little jaded and possibly harder to impress than some who are just starting on the journey. I rarely have as many a-ha moments as I experienced as I listened to you talk. Sincerely, you are so valuable to your audience. Although I have only seen one video, I look forward to bingeing on your collection, sensing that I will discover more gems.
Such a beautiful video. I can relate so much. I too love sincere criticism now and its so freeing! I am hoping this video will help one of my friends achieve this mentality. Everyone deserves to see the world like that!
Honestly, it depends. One girl got drunk and came with parts of my private life that other girls gossiped on my back... When she was sober again... She apologized in the most humble, loving way... I can be a shady bitch, but her apology was 100% real... I still love and remember her as a great friend. Where there are other people who are just not worth it. Pschycologist one day tell us to contruct walls and separate from narcissist... And the next day tell us to be welcoming, don t be deffensive... So, Dudes make up your minds. We need a certain type of filter to somehow read what s the other on bringing, some discernment. It also has to do with an overexcited mind, maybe from trauma or excess shaming... 😱Nobody can convince a person in this state to have some trust. It s a proccess. So depending in which part of the proccess you are at... It s more realistic to carefully open up and check if it s ok 🤔😒
Hi there- I hear your concerns. I agree, this absolutely is a process, and I recommend watching how people behave over time and going slowly before trusting them completely. People's behaviors will often show you who they are early on if you're open to seeing it. The strategies in this video are not meant for those in abusive relationships. My content does not focus solely on narcissists. Many of the people in my crew have expressed that they are actively working to become less defensive and I wanted to put this video out for them. Thanks for watching 💕
