Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome? | Debi Silber | TEDxCherryCreekWomen 

the most tragic thing about betrayal is that it never comes from an enemy...

The worst part about betrayal, I think, is the shock. It kind of puts you in this place where you think anyone is capable of anything, and from there it's very easy to never let anyone back in.

The worst part is that it's the one you'd never have imagined in your wildest dreams, would destroy you or have a wish to. It's never an enemy, it's the one you trusted completely, the one you loved with all your heart and let into every aspect of your life. It's beyond devastating.

I grieve for the man I thought he was, for the future I thought we had, the one person who knew all of me. But what she left out, I grieve for the ability to trust myself to protect myself. That’s the one part I can’t get past. It also affected all of my friendships. I sabotaged them to keep myself safe. The loneliness is overwhelming but I don’t know how to heal this part.

Her description of betrayal trauma is exactly on target. It changes you. I feel like an empty shell of my former self and I don’t see a path towards transformation. I’ve lost all motivation and enthusiasm for life itself. This is the trauma that’s invisible to the rest of society. No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.

"its hurts so much bcz on some level we know its intentional"

One relationship where I was really betrayed and hurt I literally look like I aged 10 years in one year. I really can’t believe I didn’t have a heart attack because of my profound grief. But after this last betrayal, I highly doubt I will ever be able to trust anyone again. There was no red flags with these betrayals. There’s no way of telling a good guy from a bad guy nowadays because they are such good liars

Fun fact - if we're able to keep our nervous systems regulated we grieve appropriately for being betrayed and move past it pretty easily. But due to the PLETHORA of CPTSD and PTSD floating around from childhood trauma it's REALLY easy for many of us to get stuck in a vicious and dangerous cycle of Self-betrayal.

“Even though it was done to you, it wasn’t about you,” very well said.

What betrayal taught me was to never be attached to the amazing happiness that a partner can bring. You could give everything to a person, walk over broken glass and one day they can decide for whatever reason they are not happy. Instead look for your happiness in other things.

For someone fighting back tears at my desk, thank you for helping to paint a picture of something that I have really struggled to understand, manage, and overcome.

Videos like this are so helpful. My health insurance doesn't cover therapy, so when I can't see anyone, I watch youtube videos from counselors and therapists. It helps to have my feelings validated and not feel so alone. Thank you sister for this blessing of a video 🙏🏼

Betrayal is betrayal, once it's done to you, it's hard to trust, even after reconciliation🙏🏻.

Once my house is rebuild there's no letting the destroyer back in. That's my lesson learned.

It's weirdly comforting for me to hear that there's actual research to back up that there are physical responses to betrayal.

I was betrayed by family, and at an early age, I knew that I could only rely on me.

Never reconcile with a betrayer under any circumstances.

It's my greatest wish that this talk finds it's way to the people who are struggling to heal from a painful experience with betrayal. Please share with those who'd benefit from it. Thank you!

Betrayal taught me that life is very unpredictable and nothing is constant, everything and everyone changes.

It is intentional and you never see it coming when it hits you. A good person doesn't even let their mind go to the place of a betraying person. So when it hits you it is devastating. It's unbelievable that someone could do this to another person. A person they say they love. Yeah right.

...gets tattooed on your mind, your heart, AND YOUR SOUL. Something breaks inside you.

Betrayal has been 90% of my entire life. I trust very few people.

It’s a double crush. The betrayal itself and then absolutely zero support because they are the person you normally run to for comfort and now you have no one. It’s horrid.

Betrayal is such a hurtful and confusing thing. The trauma that comes with it, can really drain you at first. What she says about mourning the loss of the person you trusted, is very important. Because the version that you thought was the real them was an intergral part of you and I can kind of compare that to grief. Best thing to do is to start the healing journey (a good therapist really helps). I promise you it's not easy and it will take a lot of work. I'm still in the healing journey, it had its ups and downs. But one thing I'm proud of myslelf is that I got to reinvent myself. I went back to school to do my Masters, started hiking again, going out to social events more. To be honest I've never felt more comfortable and confident in my skin. There is hope, don't give up.

I always describe what happened as if he was wearing a mask for 14 years, and then it fell off. I saw him. I saw this complete stranger

I don’t tolerate narcissistic jerks who repeatedly mistreat you!

Betrayal was one of the best things that ever happened to me 31 years ago. It put me on a journey of self-discovery that revealed I was codependent…how I needed to take charge of my own happiness and not rely on someone else to do that for me. Also, I learned am not responsible for someone else’s happiness or well-being. Over the years I struggled with letting people in my life, trusting myself and trusting them. I kept myself “safe” for so many years, until I finally faced my fears and am now in a long term relationship, learning and growing. I now know betrayal happened to me because my purpose is to help others show up for themselves to lead a more happy fulfilling life instead of being afraid all the time.

I cried through that entire speech it was very moving to me. I loved someone for many years, someone who betrayed and hurt me so badly. I learned to heal through the trauma to be able to love myself and others again. It definitely made me stronger. I haven't been in a relationship in over 7 years. I rebuilt myself and chose to live and love my life.

TIME DOESN'T HEAL ALL WOUNDS IF YOU CAN'T STOP RUMINATING !!

For me it's been ten years since the betrayal and I have never been in another relationship. Never again. I think it's PTSD. I would much rather just be alone than have to potentially deal with the same or a similar situation again. It's much less stress. I do miss certain aspects of companionship but I like the peace of mind that comes with being single and not having an intense attachment.

The woman that betrayed me was NEVER supposed to be capable of such a thing. Known by everyone in her community and loved by all. Amazing friendships to lots of women throughout her life that still think of her as their best friend. Respected and trusted by all of her work colleagues. The woman that NOBODY would EVER think could do something like this, me included. Until I saw that email on her phone to a person I work with. I knew right away it wasn't right. I opened it and it said, "Goodnight handsome". And that's when all of my realities were gone and pain took their place. 5 years ago.

I'm only 19 and still dealing with childhood trauma and bullying/alienation throughout my entire school career. I'm so filled with anger, can't stand being around strangers, feel like everyone outside of those i previously trusted is fake and maneuvered by bad intentions. Everyone tells me to just get over it. I feel like while I may be generally kind and willing to help others, I may never trust that anyone has good intentions with me specifically. However, this speech has given me some perspective and will hopefully help me with the healing process.

*Unable to breath* . . Only the victims can realise how true this is.

There are so many types of betrayals...But talking about betrayal in relationships..There is no way I would re-marry a person who cheated. Life is too short and precious for me to wonder .... Broken trust can never be fully fixed.

I’ve had so many betrayals beginning at age 2. They multiply and are more painful each time.

My closest sibling betrayed me and abandoned me when my mother needed help then died. I begged them to help and no one would when my mother died they didn’t even have the decency to be there for me mourning. The youngest of (5 ) I was all alone at the casket to say goodbye. My husband said they were always betraying you only now you realize it.

THIS IS WHY I SAY IT WAS NEVER ABOUT NOT LOVING MYSELF ENOUGH. It is about the person(s) you love and respect (and who you thought loved and respected You) making you question everything in your life

Being betrayed gave me courage. I lowered my expectations and walked through life being my own best friend. Helped also by the line in the song ‘Me and Bobby Magee’ - “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”. It helped me to lighten up and break away from attachment.

Never forgive a partner who betrays. Never trust anyone 100% either. Always always always Have a backup plan without them.

You cannot survive this world without betrayal. I've been betrayed in some of the worst ways. But it's a part of life. We must deal with it, mend our souls and live the best we can.

"Even though it was done to you... it wasn't about you." PROFOUND.

Betrayal is not just about the pain...it can result in the end of the relationship and the requirement to "begin a new way of life"! The consequences of betrayal actually create PTSD in the victim and the world does not recognize it. If the victim has children its even worse. And if the victim cannot afford to leave the cheater..the betrayer...OMG then the PTSD is even worse.

Betrayal with no remorse or denial of the action , it robbed me of my girl inside, the believer of truth.

I was once a victim of heart break. My husband was cheating on me for about 2 years in our marriage. When I became suspicious, he always says that I am looking for excuses since I haven't caught him. But there was allot of red flags and so I talked to a friend. who advised me and connected to some professional. Who helped me uncover everything with proofs, so he can't deny it. I was so devastated when I found out but I am glad I did. Because I was getting so troubled at heart. But after this, I found a way to gain back my inner peace. Sometimes it is better to know than to just keep being troubled at heart. I am happy that I did take those steps.

I feel so sorry for children who have experienced this , as a 40 year old woman, going through this has been the hardest thing ever

"Trauma is the setup for transformation" is an affirmation I will use to get through this time. Thank you!

Week 1 of being betrayed by my girlfriend, it was gut wrenching. A feeling I honestly have never felt and would not wish on anyone. Doing a post betrayal challenge and giving myself 6 months to transform feeling like this and my life after watching this video by accident.

The pain is so intense that it's physically perceptible

One realization I had that was a great shortcut to overcoming betrayal was: Don't pine or long for the previous relationship with the betrayer. Recognize that that prior person/relationship either does not exist anymore, or maybe they were never really vested on the same level (even if it's a spouse). Then: as many times as it takes, consider it does not make sense to long for someone that does not exist. It helped make great, quick progress... Don't long for them, rather close (slam) the door behind them.

I was severely betrayed by someone I loved for 7 years. It's amazing how delusional I allowed myself to be. The person I cared so deeply about was nothing what I thought he was at all. He should have been an actor...he missed his true calling.

I felt so alone and ashamed until she said others have felt the effects of a betrayal for years. I have been suffering since 2018 ever since my ex fiance cheated and ghosted, leaving me with no answers or context. This has been wreaking havoc within me, and people keep saying "its been years! How can you still hold on?! Move on!" I always felt ashamed when I was told that because I never had an answer, but I also never knew how to let go. I know im not alone, and im just begining to understand the depth of what im going through and how its affected and changed me as a person, and how ive let it ruin potential relationships. I wont lie, i shed a tear listening to this video. It hit so close to home. These videos randomly popped up on RU-vid and i have never even thought to search for answers before. How does one heal? What steps should I begin to take? Ive accepted the old me is dead, and I have to rebuild from this new me. Damaged, scared to let others in. Bitter and cynical, and more introverted.

I suffer from this 100%, everyone in my life has let me down. Family, Parents,relationships… everyone. It’s just sad

“I was wounded in the house of my friends.” -Jesus Christ

So true, I have transformed. The pain is like no other. Yet you find a way, for me that way is Jesus.

My first husband cheated on me and left when I was 6 months pregnant. I didn't date for 5 years after that. I remarried 10 years later to a man I thought would be faithful. Year 7 my 2nd husband confesses his unfaithfulness. It completely devastated me. 2 husbands and both cheated on me. I felt so unlovable. My husband was filled with remorse but rebuilding and trying to love again was work but it has not been easy. It's been 21 years since that day. I still struggle with feeling loved by my spouse, triggers happen. Yes you can heal and overcome and move on but there are always flashbacks of that heartache.

I started crying when this clip started. Yes I was betrayed just like you, by family then by someone I loved and trusted. Of course I internalized it and pain became a habit.

31 Male been in a relationship with an abusive narcissist woman for 3 years (living together)...she manipulated me so much that I was not able to see all the bad things that she would do to me, (lies, psychological abuse, cheating etc) at the point that I was blaming myself for everything. As a 6'2 bearded, tattooed and muscular man I was so ashamed of myself cuz society teaches us that men can't be abused and especially if you look like me you can't be abused but most likely you are the abuser, so I never really opened up with anybody about this as I knew that the only reply that I would get would have been "Man up", or nobody would have believed me for the way that I look as a masculine man. Plus I don't live in my country so my family and closest friends were not there, I was basically by my own and dealing with it. I was daily humiliated in many ways but I was not able to understand it or if I was recognizing some behaviors of hers were "not fine" I was always thinking that was my fault...many ppl would say "why didn't leave her?" but I was blind like many ppl who are abused.... 2 and 1/2 years ago finally after yet another abuse I found the strenght to leave her. But since then, I found out how those 3 years broken me and how broken I am still...can't trust any woman, I never date or hang out or deal with a woman never since.

I will never be who I was before betrayal, but I wasn’t happy then either, so I’m going to rebuild myself and my life and be intentional with my progress and my decisions and not let life just happen to me.

My shock when I answered the phone call from my husband after 19!yrs of marriage. He said, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore.” The beginning of the end. He betrayed me, mostly he betrayed our children. It’s painful to get through, but you do. To those out there, you will move on, believe me, you can do this. Everyday day you grow stronger.

It's taken me 15 years to accept the betrayal and the fact that my only fault was to allow it to get so personal. His loss, not mine. I have learnt how to love myself, accept myself and live for myself! 🎉❤ And, as I learnt to give unconditional love to all (not foolishly) it has set me free! Love yourself folks!

It’s really messed up when your own mother betrays you for no reason. It’s been a painful nightmare and a hellish experience to know that the one person in the whole wide world who was suppose to have your back never did.

Anger is one of the emotions I try to control. Betrayal shakes you to your core. The rug has been pulled from under you or spite you. It hurts. It’s fury. I was abandoned. Chewed up and spat out like gum. I heal changing my direction moving forward.

Debi thanks for explaining the significant difference between resilience and transformation. People suffering from PTSD needs to be transformed not coached in resilience.

My heart hurts so badly, no words can describe

She literally explains what I couldn't... It is so difficult to put emotions into words. Bless you and Thank you

You've got to come to the understanding that that betrayal is a flaw in their character not yours. You've got to break that viscious chain. Same applies to so many other situations in life. Learn from your experiences in life and adjust your mental mindset in a way to prevent it from happening again. Plus, always trust your gut.

It’s amazing how the people that tell you they love you the most are the ones that always screw you over. My last relationship I did everything in the world to please the guy. I thought we might get married one day. He always told me how much he loved me. Come to find out he was a complete liar. He did me wrong in a situation, I was willing to try to heal and forgive, yet he dumped me And blamed me

This speech made me understand so much. My husband used his bad habit for many years, and neglected to tell me of his bad habit. So once I figured it out, I was so angry and that was almost 10yrs ago. The worse part is, there is very little change. Sure, maybe the habit stopped, but our marriage has not improved much. Her speech gave me the validation to know that it completely demolishes u as a person and all the emotions I feel are totally normal and valid. This helps me know that I can re build bigger and better. My whole life has been a series of 1 trauma after another. Im sick of the hurt and the pain. I wanna enjoy life and be happy. When do I get my share of happy?! I have been in so much pain for so long, my creative nature is gone. It rarely is resurrected. It affects every aspect of my life. Im the girl who caters to everyone else because Ive been hurt so much, I dont want to make them hurt if I can help it. I still love my husband, but this aspect I cant live with.

I was really connecting with this until the moment she said she remarried him! What?? All that healing & grieving just to take back the cheater ? No way. Once there’s betrayal, it’s over for good for me. I’m divorcing after 23 yrs married. Cheating & betrayal is unforgivable and nothing can reverse those actions.

Betrayal is a painful trauma that I just can't seem to heal. It hurts me a year later as I think about it often. The betrayer had absolutely no remorse and went on went their life like nothing ever happened. I know God is watching and is full of compassion for those of us that have been betrayed and hurt for no reason

I read a quote once, "they didnt care until you knew." For me it was my wife and my best friend, actually several friends. I'm still lost and when I found out these acts were decades old but to me they were that moment. I still don't know where I am. I know I have no where to go because of certain circumstances but I am not happy. We co habitate it seems. She begs for my forgiveness but I just dont know love anymore. I want to leave. I want to die at times. I want to make others do the same. I have depression. She was the 1 and only person I ever trusted and she destroyed me. Knowing this all now has killed me as a man. It has altered my life and mind. Great speech but idk, I am still so alone and withering.

Understanding that things DONE TO YOU were NOT DONE BECAUSE OF YOU was one of the hardest things to understand in my healing journey after I suffered severe narcissistic abuse including smear campaigns in the hands of a guy I fall deeply "in love" (love was actually love bombing from his side) "with" (I fell in love with his fake persona). And the fact that most of my family did not believe in me felt like deep betrayal (it still does, but it does not hurt like it did then). During the journey I did become a different person, at first scared and paranoid, then bitter (I figured out on my own that the roots of being vulnerable to narcissistic abuse start in early childhood and for a while I blamed my family not only for not believing in me but also for being part of my problem), then self accountable and self responsible. I did become a different person, little by little. I still carry the luck of trust. I mean if I trust someone and they do something to betray that trust I don't blame myself and forgive then right away like I used to do before meeting that sociopath. Interestingly the fact that my perspective changed and that I became more aware of people's cues did not help me to fit in with my family again. First because they did many things in betrayal of my trust such as reading my personal diary, and other stuff like that and secondly because they do not appreciate that someone puts them boundaries. However day after day I feel lesd hurt by their rejection when faced with someone who is trying to break the cycle of unhealthy habits such as blurry personal boundaries or gossipery. I less and less take it as something personal and more as their own issue with the contrast that someone who is getting out of the muddy waters they inhabit brings to them, showing them there is a bettee place and making them look themselves in the mirror and see things they don't like. Not something I made up to make myself look better than my family I've done enough research and know that "scape goats" are usually individuals who contrast with unhealthy patterns of dysfunctional families.

So- I got over my betrayal, the loss of the woman I loved, and finally learned to trust and love, only to be betrayed again. Now I'm cold and empty.

Took me 50 yrs to finally figure out my sister is a covert narcassist. Hard pill to swallow but once I swallowed it, I was free.

I’m listening after learning the love of my life betrayed me with lies it’s such a terrible feeling my heart is broken terribly

"Never put the key for your own happiness in someone else's pocket." As babies/toddlers we were pretty vulnerable and dependent. If we don't successfully individuate (and how many of us actually do?) then the first betrayal is the one where we give our own power away to our initial caretakers. Parents, siblings, grandparents, schoolmates, etc. etc. To me, now, it looks like betrayal may actually be a necessary milestone on the way to wholeness. After we get back to wholeness (individuate successfully and maturely) we realize that "We are the One we've been waiting for."

The analogy about rebuilding the destroyed house! Wow! It's been 8 months since my wife betrayed and left me and her family after 25 years of marriage. If it wasn't for the kids and my elderly parents needing me, I would have ended my life. I still fantasize about doing it to make the pain stop. The house story made me feel like I don't wish I was dead for the first time in 8 months, even though the feeling was only for a brief moment, it still helps a lot because now I know that wanting to live and move forward is actually possible. After months of people giving "advice," this is the first and only thing I've found helpful.

It’s hard to heal when your partner continues to cheat and lie and does nothing to help you heal , and pretends he isn’t doing anything wrong :(

Wow not sure how I came across this talk but it's struck something within me.

The first 2 minutes is how I've been feeling for the past two weeks and she worded the emotional turmoil from betrayal perfectly. Not too long ago, I experienced betrayal and was blindsided by someone who I thought would never be capable of doing so. I was wrong. I'm questioning myself, questioning everything he's ever said or done, questioning who he is as a person. Why are relationships worth it at all?

When I first saw the title of your Ted Talk, I thought, "Oh, I have to listen to this! I was hopeful for some fresh, new introspection on the devastating trauma caused by the betrayals of people with whom you believed you shared love & trust... BUT, I was so disappointed by the ending & I have to wonder: If you hadn't had a husband who was willing to rebuild with you, who'd blindsided you by leaving to be with someone else & with whom you never spoke again, would you be speaking with such hope & enthusiasm for the future? I think NOT! You are speaking now about a past trauma that you believe you rose up from & sincere congrats to you, BUT I think you also need to understand that you're looking at your past betrayal from a place that MOST of us DO NOT experience. What if you're husband had left your life for good!? AND because of several of decades of childhood trauma followed by numerous blindsides by your family, you are no alone & have no one with whom you feel completely safe!? Somehow I don't think your perspective would be so joyful...

It is a whole other kind of “grief” and causes you to second guess every decision and you get to the point where you don’t think you can trust your own judgement.

I've been isolated 5 years next month. I'm just starting to work on me. I've felt so very alone. My husband didn't cheat he just walked out after never having a single disagreement. A Friend who understands would be amazing. The Trauma response blew me away, I'm in my 40s and I never imagined breaking so completely. Hardest part is being judged for it. If death everyone would be supportive but when it's because of something that logically most people deal with, people judge the Trauma making it worse.

Betrayal will always be an open festering wound that no amount of emotional or psychotherapy plasters can ever cover up let alone heal it is the evilest of sins!

Absolutely right about betrayal : it was done to you and it's not about you. Take the broken glass and fix it beautiful, better than before and live again. Amen, healing does come. Thank you 🙏.

It's so devastating knowing you've been cheated on... After giving everything

I think we're so quick to take the actions of others to heart because we think it MUST be about us but most of the time these acts of betrayal are not done out of malice

What I find hard about this talk, is that it almost sounds like the betrayal was a positive thing. I can think of many non-betrayal ways that can lead to a good transformation. Don't get me wrong, I found this quite useful. But one thing that makes it hard to do great after betrayal, is if the betrayer thinks they did a good thing to you after all.

I feel exploited and I don’t know how to let go of the resentment. Knowing they’re okay..

the disillusionment of the first time I really had someone close to me betray my trust was overwhelming. I'm glad that people like Debi are out there helping people with this.

I’ve changed forever after what happened to me,I can’t be vulnerable with anyone anymore,I can’t tell people what’s bothering me or what i like to do or get

Finally a name that makes sense..I was betrayed by my job, wife and circle of friends in a span of 14 months...that was 10 yrs ago..im still struggling to come to terms with it..I was a happy extrovert who went to a complete recluse..precovid. it really sucks..

“Rebuilding is always a choice.” Beautiful speech!

Have seen this a few times in my family or people I know. It's just devastating. So cruel. But rebuilding life for those betrayed, are the ones who WIN. Many betrayers lives fail.

I actually just got diagnosed with sickofthishitneosis... no cure yet but we hope there will be one day. 🙏

My 12 year old asked me what's the worst pain I've ever felt. It's not getting beat down in a fight or loosing my brother but getting my heart ripped out by a girl.

I do wonder if we really ever know someone! Even Peter betrayed Jesus and so did Judas! Think about that! The truth is when you give your heart to the the wrong person...pain is coming. I lacked discernment and ignored red flags because I was starved for love and didn't know it. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I was not seen or acknowledged and I was bullied and discounted by my siblings. I was never loved for just being me. God help us all. God loves each one of us unconditionally. I'm letting myself be o.k. With that.

The most painful betrayal came from my own mother, I was 33yo, I had experienced betrayal before that but it was nothing like this. My life was turned upside down to say the least. Yesterday I discovered that a “dear and close” friend of mine did something horrible to me in my own home ! He was someone I was proud of and I enjoyed speaking highly of. I’m 54 now, I thought I had learnt how to avoid these situations , I guess not. I have learned how to deal with these things differently though, I will move forward, it will be better…let the healing begin now, not months or years from now God bless you all

It’s been 6 years. Feels like yesterday.

3 years I'm battling with my demons...And day after day it becomes harder and harder as I see betrayal everywhere I go on every face I see.