How to recognize perfectly hidden depression | Margaret Rutherford | TEDxBocaRaton 

I heard recently that is even a cognitive mechanism to want to die, is the brain wanting to stop the intense pain. If we can understand these thoughts as a brain mechanism maybe we can replace it with others

@@puncherry Very interesting

That statement made me cry. It’s been almost 10 years since I was in the back of an ambulance after having a ptsd episode. The emt asked me what happened during the drive and I told him things got a little crazy and I lost control of my emotions and just wanted it to stop. He told me he was a vet and had ptsd himself and that “sometimes I get a little crazy too”. I was 16 at the time and felt so alone in my battle with ptsd and panic disorder; he reached out his hand when I needed it most. That’s when I realized I wasn’t alone, we all have each other. There’s so many of us out there who have struggled in silence. You don’t have to be alone. We pass each other everyday and don’t even realize how much we have in common. I know it’s hard to believe but things get better and there are people out there that understand your pain.

​@@theoptimalspark8198 saying "you're not alone." isn't really helpful. I always feel alone. Everytime I try to reach out, no one really cares because they're also busy living their own lives. We can't really burden other people with our problems, I guess. .

This has definitely been true for me whenever I've felt suicidal. It's not even the depression but the anxiety that's excruciating. When I'm depressed, I know there will always be a better tomorrow. But with anxiety, I feel like a can't wait any longer for a better tomorrow to come.

Exactly. Except it’s not gone. And can still have a destructive impact.

so true, so very true.

perfectly worded. may we all find clarity and peace

Bingo

@@shasings yes, tnx

Yep, true. Witnessing people here in comments already opens the tiny light.

Yes. We all need a savior.

@@theviolinvoice4173no! Save yourself like I did. No one is better equipped to save you than YOURSELF. You know all your secrets. Be your own hero! Religion lies to us when it states we must give in to God or a higher power. Children are groomed by a poisonous ideology when we are too impressionable to decide for ourselves. Christians (and most Western religions, new beliefs systems BTW) think a father figure is always watching. Sound familiar? Stop turning the other cheek. Get mad temporarily at your parents and caregivers for locking you into this false ideology. If God existed no one would go wanting and evildoers would be punished! Henry Kissinger lived to be 100. Also… hang on to your hat… I’ve read every DSM. All diagnostic models used are theoretical. None were created using the scientific method. Autistic people like me are described as 2/3 of a person! Nonsense. Think for yourself. Research the origins of widely used methods that fail continuously. To wit, bipolar, schizophrenia and borderline aren’t real, just untested theories. Best of luck with a full recovery! ❤

Not at all. You are not alone.😊

It’s not bad. We’re all looking for you too and feel relief. Thank you for sharing this emotional weird trauma with us. ❤

Not at all. No one wants to suffer alone 😔

No, not bad but rather strange, in my opinion. It was/is never comforting to me to know that other people are going through similar or even bigger pain

So many of us have that feeling at some time or the other. 😬😉😇

Absolutely true. I have gotten this mostly from family. They have no clue. But I don’t share with them anymore. I know the people that have my back and truly love me unconditionally

Let your instinct flow into you if your really comfortable with someone. What you see to them in your first meet is what you’ll see throughout.

happened to me, yeah. never talk to anyone about my real feelings anymore after being told I'm too dramatic. they don't bother to listen, why should I be bothered to tell truth.

I very much agree that a protective process can become unconscious and thus, the person has very little true understanding of what’s happening or why. Which can make it all the more dangerous. Thank you for your comment John.

This is an interesting point and probably quite true for all the people who are taught to suppress their emotions

Many traumatic childhoods lead to dissociation, what per se make the entire understanding and acknowledging of emotions hard. I'm one of those kind of people, and I can say that after many years fleeing from the sadness and uncomfortable feelings, I got pretty good at not being aware of any feeling, while simultaneously suffering deep within.

This comment really resonates, thanks for putting it so clearly. I was told I had a mild depression even when I was able to admit that I dealt with suicidal thoughts and letting that guide me when I was really tired 😅. Though I do remember the masking even when in therapy, not deliberately but due to feeling so ashamed and also 'bad' that I was making people worried even though I was functioning like normal

It’s not that hard when we reject the entire DSM. 😊 I fixed myself this way. Best to you. ❤

Please get help ❤

Reach out now…soon…to a professional and begin to reveal yourself to another’s ears. The thoughts going around and around on a hamster wheel will keep you stuck in no man’s land. Your willingness to use your mouth and begin processing to another those thoughts will be your way out. It might take a long time but the way things are now it will be the best time you will ever spend…it is freedom to live a life, not pain free but with the tools to cope with life’s challenges. You are smart, but now you must be wise and speak your feelings to another…trust and broaden your understanding of yourself. You are worthy, now damn it…get going! Love and hugs always…

You are far from alone. Having compassion and understanding of how it became vital to armor yourself with looking successful is so very important. I hope you'll allow this first step to speak your truth to become one of many. Please take care.

Please get help as soon as possible

I completely understand. Same.

What a kind thing to say. Thank you.

I started crying while reading your comment(

I found your comment comforting, they know the pain is soon to be over. That’s beautiful as well

💯💯💯

We can all …so that “Transparency is seen as strength”…imagine the power this inner emancipation would have on a communal, societal level. Thank you for this video❤

!!!

I have spent the last 1.6 years in a city for the first time. Working. Not working for the first time but in a city working. I have gone through many tragedies and traumas in my life. Working in this city day in and out has taken more of a toll than the situations of the past. I quit yesterday. Not life. But the job. It has been immediately relieving and only getting better each day. Now, I knew this day was coming and that I needed to leave as I reflected on how much I did not feel good about where I was and what I was doing. I started to save each month knowing I had to get away. Not a lot. Just what little I could manage with the costs of life here. I scraped together enough to safely quit, and let whatever the next transitions will be, happen with a little more ease. As I move, and let life unfold in the directions that are right for me, i will feel stressors, but I won't be in the city, and I will remember what it was like trying to live the busy life. The one that was not for me. I will choose having bare minimum over slaving away for a flashy life any day. One helpful takeaway from my experience, for myself at least, is to act in accordance with my values. If I lack clarity in my choices or values, once those become clear, act. Even through the fear. Don't stay and suffer. There is not much I cannot do. It will always work out.

Well said. ❤

You’re wrong. Country life is work. I was living on a rural farm after living in a city and it drove me almost to the point of ending it all, the lack of energy, of people, of movement, of lights, of life. So I moved back to where I’m from, Manhattan, and never felt more alive.

Or weren't allowed thanks to naracasistic mom

Yeah true, I could not define what I really like or want until late 20s. Had to do something better for future me

Absolutely. That part hit home pretty hard.

I can't imagine how difficult those two things together would be

@@aldennoname Very difficult..

I saw myself clearly...

This is exactly what i am concerned about . Not everything can be theorized , as the symptoms a person is experiencing are complex and layered in nature. As someone who will be a psychologist too in some years , I fear diagnosing my patients with the wrong mental illness..... Also , as you ended by saying you had a tear in your eye when he walked into the room smiling!! Can't wait to see my patients do that ❤🎉 Thank you so much for such an insightful talk .

Retired firefighter. Hid it for 40 years. A life lived in grayness. Ssri’s you name them. I recently started low dose ketamine. I feel much better. Keep research going for us

@@BEC4life10 I've been collaborating with clinicians and authors who've worked with first responders and know that this is huge in those fields. I'm so glad you've found relief and thank you for sharing your experience.

Improving slightly each week

thank you, I needed to see and hear this...

I don’t disagree that what you describe is the case for some people, but as a non-psych-professional with very direct, personal experience in this matter, I would be careful not to generalize how people do or don’t act when they’re considering ending vs preparing to end their lives. Sometimes, people who show that they need help will never ask for it and/or will explicitly reject it when offered. Sometimes, people who ask for or accept an offer of help will immediately sabotage the potential effectiveness of that help. Sometimes, people broadcast in bright, red, flashing warning lights their intent to end their lives right up until the moment that they take action. Sometimes, people who withdraw socially have zero intent of harming themselves. It is, unfortunately, complicated. 😔

​@@mrsb50It should always be taken seriously

I'm so appreciative of you sharing your story. Here. In the open. You have no idea how many you might help. And of course.. you're welcome.

it's so frustrating when you cant talk about problems and feeling without having people (specialy parents) tell you "just do this or that..." What i found helpful is to say straight "i dont want you to find me a solution, i just want you to ackowledge my feelings, my pain, my struggles..." It helps a lot, but some people still cannot do that, and that sadly, i think we must accept that some people we really love and care about simply cannot always understand or support us. Glad you could find a therapis who could give you that compassionate and respectuous hearing

Yes when I tell my boyfriend about my PTSD, he tries to fix my problems and that's not what I'm asking for. In fact I'm not asking for anything. Sometimes I just need to talk about how I feel.

You don't need fixing. There's nothing wrong with you. Wrong things happened to you. ❤🎉

The thing that gets me is well-meaning friends constantly asking "How are you feeling now/today?", as if I can answer this; as if my depression has changed since yesterday, or the last two weeks, or the last 6 months. I have to ignore them. It seems ungrateful but I can't answer them. I can't say how awful the same awfulness is day after day.

I so appreciate the openness with which you all share. It helps me to understand how I can be there for my son in the way he needs me to be.

True 👍

Yes you're right. Because i experienced this and i very thankful and blessed because God never Leave me.

And worse still, am even feeling like even when I talk to God, it's like he is not listening at all 😢 I have no one to talk talk and it's killing me inside

Just having one person acknowledge your suffering and experiences helps validate your experience. My current therapist wanted me to do something else but I could never figure out what she wanted me to do.

Very true

Thank you Regina for your support and comment.

Thank you so much for listening. Your sister and I couldn't agree more...

Yes, beautifully put. This too shall pass!

Absolutely. That story was heart-wrenching

I think it comes from practice... even though it's awful to think about it like that but I just mean that first conversation IRL is really tough of course but once you've done it it does get easier and easier.

Be open to people that you seem to be sure about it. Be careful always

This is really interesting... what do you think made you not speak up? Was it purely just because you thought of them as knowing best?

@@EverDragMedia yes my trust in my own gut was very thin because of how used I was to people pleasing and masking. If you always talk yourself into the truth of someone else, you disconnect from your own truth. Together with the ‘hierarchy’ of a professional I would believe they knew better than I did. Only after the fourth time this happened I vocalized this screaming no inside me and I got the help I needed.

Sorry for your loss. I totally agree with you 🤍

I cannot tell you how happy I am for you and your husband. Thank you for letting me and so many others hear this part of your story and your life.

Yes! It makes all the difference.

Yes!

I hate checklists

You never realized perfectionism is a serious mental health issue until just now?? Do you also believe smoking crack is healthy?

Perfectionism has been thought of a reflection of anxiety much more than depression. So there are many who are surprised at this thought.

Perfectionism can be debilitating. It feeds my anxiety/depression constantly. "I can't do it perfectly, so how/why can I do it at all."

@@missd369I feel exactly the same, I think the root is possibly because I was celebrated for my academic achievements when I was little and it made me only associate love with doing well so I became anxious about being perfect all the time then beat myself up when I was just ‘average’ and saw it as shame and complete failure. I eventually became terrified of trying at all in case I fell short and it’s had a hold of me for decades, I don’t know how to fight it when it feels like it’s hardwired.

I'm sure you have seen this over and over and am honored by your words. Thank you so much (And I do have a wonderful team!).

It’s true many of us feel this way. I usually feel different tomorrow so if I can stay distracted by anything until I’m tired enough to sleep, I have a new day and hope the sun is warm on me tomorrow

@@colleenwisch3497 Thank you for your comment Colleen. It's true that if we can get through to 'tomorrow', we have hope for a new day. I have found select music, a walk with Mother Nature through the seasons, and a shared cup of tea with a neighbour or a coworker can make a difference, for them and for myself. Making plans for a 'tomorrow activity' can give us all something to look forward to and a reason to get out of bed. Blessings to you and yours. Enjoy a cuppa tea while you commune with nature. Planting a garden, no matter how small, means we have hope for the future. Gardening is therapy. 🌷

I've seen it over and over. There's no telling how many people there are who "seem" fine. Thank you so much for commenting.

Of course it's not easy. Thank you for talking about your son and his death by suicide. I'm grateful to have you a part of this discussion.

Absolutely, well past time for this kind of reframe

I agree but what if you genuinely can't relate? If you don't understand what they're going through? It can be hard to just fake it through a conversation like that

@@mikethesailor Hi Mike. You can simply ask them to explain to you what those feelings are like to have. You don't have to have had them yourself. Great question.

@@mikethesailor This is such a good question. Best not to try and fake it, like Margaret says, I think it's okay to just ask them to elaborate.

Absolutely. I don't know where we got it all so backwards.

I so agree. I've grown a much greater awareness of what "seems" and distinguish it from what likely "is." Thank you for commenting.

I'd invite you to look into more of my writing and talking about this since you identify with it so strongly. And you're more than welcome. There are many people who feel exactly the way you do.

Bearing your pain alone.

We need connection and a social safety net. But nobody wants to do anything about that. Tell them it's a chemical imbalance and give them a pill.

Generally a sane reaction to an insane world

We are all depressed because we work all day and achieve nothing. We do not spend enough time in nature. We lost touch and connection to other humans. We do not work out enough. We do not feel valued because we add no value to society, society tells us we are replacable. We are consumers who numb the true issues with buying things, having things, needing things, filling life with things. Internet, Laptops, Social Media and Mobile Phones are the doom of mankind.

One of the things people tell me (and thanks so much for commenting) is about my own panic disorder. Rather than getting the response that I might've feared, people say they appreciate my own transparency. I hope I'm modeling that for them.. I think AA calls it, "If you talk the talk, then you gotta walk the walk. "

Yeah, absolutely. The 3:47 mark, where she says "can you imagine a world where talking about these secrets is not shameful?" honestly made me teary.

Yes I agree! That was the thing that stood out for me as well

Yeah, I think it's important to be compassionate and kind to everyone, not just because they may be going through something but because all humans deserve that level of respect.

😮

Absolutely. Not enough people want to give it though@@mikethesailor

Yes, I think if we learn to see beyond what people are letting on and encourage them to talk about what's really going on, it teaches them it's okay to just talk about that stuff

Absolutely, listening and being able to tell when someone needs a little extra push to talk about things

Absolutely. I guess it's important to think about how you're showing up in the world?

Honestly I'm not 100% sure about what she means but it made me think!

I so agree. I don't know that book but will look at it. Mindfulness can help you "note" what you're feeling but not get quite so absorbed by it.

This message has been my honor and passion for the last decade. You’re so very welcome.

Definitely, and understanding that it's probably a lot more people than we realize that are suffering

So true, there were a lot of interesting points here, will definitely be sharing