emotional neglect: 10 relationship signs 

We as children learn to accommodate our parents needs instead of them meeting ours which is how it’s supposed to be.

Hello. My name is "Cameron." Dr. Sage, because of your transparency during your self discovery of (possible) autism, in addition to CPTSD, you've probably saved my life. Thank you. ❤

I've always needed a lot of distance in my relationships.

Dr Kim, I cannot begin to tell you just how valuable and life changing this episode was for me. I am ASD/ADHD/CPTSD, it takes so long for me to process and I spend so much time researching what the heck is going on with me and my relationship. You have probably saved me months/years of confusion and constant frustration. Thank you SO MUCH for this content - I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and your vulnerabilities also. Your personal experiences really help me to identify similar situations in myself. I feel optimistic that this course might give me the clarity and understanding both my partner and I need to save our nearly 30yr relationship🤞 Thank you 🥰

Dr. Kim I have experienced the same pattern. So now we have this second layer of trauma called marriage on top of a painful childhood. What are we learning about ourselves? That every relationship we care about is broken despite our best effort and aspirations? And then we blame ourselves for not knowing something we didn't know as children. I am now convinced that humans are very prone to psychopathology. Where do we go from here?

Honestly, for real, I LOVE when you tell YOUR stories. It's like you're traching math with real numbers, or cooking with actual ingredients (not just generic symbols). Thank you!!

Me. Now. I'm 57 and a few months ago had the realization that, in previous relationships, I totally settled for the person I was with. Now that I'm with someone wonderful whom I truly love, the anxiety is real. It's been 18 months, and I'm still waiting for the other " show to drop " I've worked on it and I've come a long way, but...

My partner and father of my children has Asperger’s (high functioning autism) and it’s the most lonely soul destroying relationship I’ve ever been in. He masked for years then one day just stopped and I’m left with this shut down emotionally repressed robot. He does not know how to connect on a deeper level apart from surface level conversation. I’ve had to shut a part of myself down as it’s impossible to have a reciprocal conversation with with him. I had emotional neglect in my childhood but all my other previous relationships have been nothing like this. I cannot believe this is my life most of time because I miss intimacy so much and I don’t mean physical.

Omg this is me, this is a real lightbulb moment for me. Thank you for sharing this …

I've recently became a Christian but have not yet joined a Church on our Reservation. Things are becoming new in all things such as reading a Bible which I never thought would meet me in this world . Dr. Sage your Work is very important for all walks of life. As my personal choice I'm slowly letting go and emptying my mind,meaning day by day releasing myself and completely laying down all of what brought me safe this far. I'm comfortable with my new found Faith In Christ Jesus. A new outlook upon my life's map of where I don't know what lays ahead? Giving has been my first step in following Christ. I feel different than once before.

THANK YOU, Dr. Kim, this was among the most beautiful videos you have made, and hits all the "high points" very well. Hearing parts of your personal experiences makes it more relatable, and I'm grateful that you take the time to discuss the topics thoroughly; time spent with you hearing your nuanced descriptions is time well spent, so don't worry about the length. There are a lot of "Cameron"s out here, and I certainly recognize all of the influences and behaviors in his story, and yours, plus so many "bonuses", an all-you-can-eat ACES buffet, a little of everything, including some form of neurodivergence, either inherent, physiologically derived from traumatic birth, or remodelling from chronic adverse experiences; maybe all the above, why not, the more the merrier right? I and most neurodivergents would agree that you are correct in your assertion that Autism itself is not the problem, at least not at the more functional end of the spectrum, and that it is adverse experiences and prejudicial expectations of "normal" (the insistence that everyone must be "beautiful", entertaining, and attentive to neurotypical vanity to be worthy of validation, even of existence) is the problem, and I wish more professionals would adopt and teach this obvious truth instead of trying to "cure" individuality. My own experience seemingly has been more extreme than most that I hear, not necessarily because of the severity of childhood events, but likely because of the wide diversity, early exposure, and chronic persistence of psychological threat and injury that led to a very pervasive form of Disorganized attachment that much like yours anchored me in an anxiety-ridden avoidance from a very young age and made me a "little old man" and an Existentialist long before I learned how to spell it- I only discovered the (real-life) descriptions of SzPD and AvPD adaptations about a year ago, at 56, and they fit my life like a pair of latex gloves. I have had few interests, fewer "friends", and only 2 real romantic relationships in my life, the first better than I had ever hoped for until her passing after nearly 23 years together, and the second responsible for my turning to the study of psychology for answers to why it went so wrong, and answers to questions I had not known to ask. Almost all the content available on attachment trauma is couched in the context of romantic relationships, with very little depth surrounding the origins or personal experience of or adaptation to the injury, so it's very difficult for those like me to find anything to really relate to. Your content stands out in this regard, and I hope you will continue to serve this niche with even more attention to the nuances of early attachment trauma with a thought for those of us who want to have some form of "normal" relationships - but just can't , quite yet. I'm curious about your course, and if it is geared to provide enough traction to be of substantive help for someone like me on the extreme end of the CPTSD/"disorder" spectrum who is already very cognitively aware of the reality of my trauma but still struggles with severe emotional dissociation, social avoidance, and related issues, or what you would recommend for someone for whom therapy is not currently an option. Thank you again Dr. Kim, your beautiful, injured soul shines through.

Hi Doc Kim, Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your knowledge . I have to say that its made a huge difference in my Self understanding about my life . i'm 58 and have just realized the last few years just how my childhood has affected my adult life , everything from work to marriage. somehow i've managed to have a great life in many ways but totally fubared in others. in childhood trauma rating I'm probably like a 4 out of five , five being the most traumatic. once again Thank You for being so brave and just simply such a fearless badass person. I truly love what your doing with your youtube channel. Keep up the strong work, Thanks again Johnny :)

Thank you Dr Sage for all of your work. The examples from your own life help to bring the concepts down to earth and make it easier to identify in our own patterns. Your willingness to expose your own vulnerabilities, whilst using psycho-education really sets you apart from many. Many thanks 🙏

i cant help but be jealous of the boy whose mom avoided him. think about it. you cant change the woman, so if she was around him more, it would have been more damaging. i spent my whole childhood wishing my parents would leave me completely alone. it was the only bits of peace i ever had when they were gone or ignoring me, those were my favorite times. the real problem is people breeding who have no intention or ability of being a caring supportive parent

When I get the noti for your vids, I can't click on it fast enough. Thank you, Dr Kim.

I totally relate to your story! Recently (60 yrs) seeing my avoidance strategies.

Your deep dives are so healing in the way they excavate the minefield of past experiences and discover our true selves beautifully; it's a lot less daunting for me now because of the fearless personal excavation you have undertaken of your own courageous journey of choosing Life (living) despite challenges and suffering 🍀All of your content is a testament to this ..Thank you Dr Kim 🙏

I'm fearful/avoidant too!

Spoken so well. Extremely helpful. Such a gift thank you for making these videos!! It makes a difference ❤

My mother would threaten to unalive herself if she got upset. Lots of eggshell walking in my house.

Its awesome to have good/qualitative friend in the ocean of toxins. Memories get enhanced & release stress. And thankful to every single one of ‘em, for being kind, Really puzzled to start over thanking ‘em, My Stock of words are limited but Have intention to do so… Happy Monday

Ty Kim for another great vid. You always resonate with me. I so appreciate that you share ur own experiences. So relatable.

My question - does our roller coaster hyper- vigilance cause heart disease at some point? I find being apart from my wife gives me rest and higher vibration frequency even enjoyment being alone. Something I find myself looking forward to. Being a people pleaser with out boundaries is not fun. I feel it's eventually going to kill me. A good heart can take only so much.

I completely relate to this. But there’s an added issue. My husband is a functioning alcoholic so the no-go topic of his drinking makes intimacy emotionally and physically even more difficult. I have no idea how to solve this problem. 27 years married and it feels like there’s no hope

This is all so insightful, thank you

Wow you are amazing that video gave me more insight in my own behavior,reactions and under standing ,wow I am so blown away that I got so quickly I am so hopeful bc I think I understood my whole life’s behavior in what maybe 25 mins than I have learned in the last 28 years of therapy I have had from professional psychologists and psychiatrist s. Thank you dr Kim I plan on following up with your course. 😊

A list of the 10 should be posted & pinned, thx

Thank you, Dr. Kim, for another interesting and thought-provoking video. So I'm wondering, when one has had a traumatic, emotionally neglectful childhood and adulthood, how and what do you change in your subconscious to be able to attract a compatible partner? I have such a habit of attracting unavailable partners that i finally just gave up until I could figure out why it was happening. Guess what? I still haven't figured it out. So what's the trick? And really, what partner would be willing to deal with all the adjustments that would have to be made to help someone that has had a traumatic existence up to that point, be able to be successful in the relationship 🤷‍♀️. Ok...sorry about the long question, but this topic is just as intriguing as autism and I am curious about the answer to this question. Thank you and will try to tone it down a bit next time. 😊

❤Thank you that was really helpful.

Thank you. I needed to hear this, and thank you for sharing your own experiences.

Nice course, Dr. Kim!

This is so incredibly powerful Dr Sage 🙏❤️ I find that even more so when your content relates to your own experiences and of course the research. Your experiences and reflections teach me so much. I am going to take this course in summer when I have downtime from my studies. So much of what you say here hits me and it really takes my breath away at the realisation. Especially surrounding attaching identity and healing to being a mum in a secure environment and feeling the need to hold on to that regardless. Thank you so much ❤

Dr Kim, you spoke my life’s story, and we never even met once. I’m not sure what it all means or how to digest it, but I’m willing to explore. Oh boy. Thank you

Using examples make learning far easier to see the behavior, thankyou.

Excellent. Tanku. 💛

Not as a child I wasn't but I definitely am now in my life. Just left completely adrift. They'll even help my kids, but me personally not a damn thing.

Yup... she finally gets it ❤

Great content

One thing I noticed recently is that I had developed a general rule as a child - something I did unconsciously - of not standing out. Sometimes this would play out as avoidance, other times as anxiety (anticipating doing something that might make me stand out). Not sure why awareness of the rule I had developed so very long ago emerged, but it was an aha moment for me.

I think we are missing a strong identity with late diagnosed traumatism. That leaves us susceptible to getting bulldozed, influenced, controlled by more narcissistic people. We weren’t allowed to have a separate sense of self and were just meeting all the adults’ needs.

And we get labelled borderline which may or may not be

My (on/off) partner of many years doesn't want to know anything about my family and the on-going difficulties I have with them. It's as if he thinks of it like a contagious disease to be avoided at all costs. We've been together during some of the worst of my family's dramas during the adult part of my life, but he might as well be sticking his fingers in his ears. So I have no voice about it, despite it being a significant, traumatic and impactful part of my life, past and present, and also forms who I am. So yes, he sounds like a twat. However he is able to read me and know how to 'handle' me through whatever is playing out pretty well. Whether it's giving me space, keeping me close, distraction, affection. No one has ever done that so well or so consistently before. So it's feels safe while also empty, a strange trade off. Like being seen but not heard.

I can’t tolerate anxious attachment people because I m independent and hate when someone falls on me

You talk about picking the wrong person, but is there really a right person? As an avoidant person, can I expect a partner to be so emotionally healthy that they can take care of both of us? That doesn't seem fair.

💯 🎯

Ms. Kim Sage you talk a little fast sometimes but not too long. You don’t have to be as descriptive of your personal life. Concepts is what helps. Universal truths. The examples of your own life are appreciated but the explanations I don’t think are necessary. I personally don’t mind them but I want a healthy teacher. Doing a pretty decent job so far! Always helpful. Thanks!

How do I just purchase the book vs taking the course? I was hoping it was just an exercise book for 30- 49 dollars. Yikes!

Its so funny how similar the description of your parents is from my parents and how you are similar in so many ways like me. Do you know your enneagram type? I'm guessing you are a sx9w1 like me... i am autistic and I have adhd like my father and my twin sister. My mother is a narcissist and so is my ex husband. When I'm really unhealthy I doubt if I also have AvPD. My attachment style is fearful avoidant, but used to be more anxious preoccupied in my first relationship and in the beginning with my ex husband... but maybe that was because they were both much older than me and they were more like a replacement for my father after he left when he divorced my mom.

Good insights. I really appreciate your insights. I want to say for me in several videos now that I have watched you seem to wear clothes that are falling off you and the constant adjusting is very distracting to your message. Seriously.. not meaning to be unkind at all. maybe is my own trauma or Autism acting up. Some kind of safety pin could hold the clothes on or perhaps some alterations. Just sayin.

Did your partner change genders 😶 my brain is trying to work out all the clues about what happened.

Cameron, like me, grew up with a dictator.

With all due respect, you talked a lot about yourself at the beginning, but then there weren't any clear '10 Common Relationship Signs' list or discussion. You rambled and jumped from one thing to another, always coming back to yourself.

I can care less about being in any relationship with any America woman its not worth it and going mgtow is the best decision I have ever made

My biggiest fear was making sure I could give them stability of one to two homes only for entiy child hood an not be like me all over the place wanted my boys to make connections an long term friendships the things I did not have. An knew how important they were then woi hear from Margaret how I was ruining there lives by not given them change an I was sheltering them. Didn't pay attention to that one thank God

My youngest saw alot of things no child should have to see. An when I would try to talk to him about it it's over mom what's there to talk about how u feel about it why not going to change it. Example he saw his one grand mother die an when they took her out of house was sitting on top steps I went up to you okay I'm sorry you saw this. Wanna talk no weren't you suppose to be online for school yell but we'll do u need excuse cause of what happened or u good I'm good an refused to ever talk about it again I tried

My boys have to realize ppl change an when they change sb and don't want a relationship anymore they have y respect that ppl out grow ppl in life ppl die. Ppl move on nothing is for ever we might want to think so an hold onto them. But not when you are. Hurting some one else I did meat another man. Since loosing the one I had wanted an. I thought mentally ok Id try an see what happens totally platonic and I saw all these red flags of my past marriage with Gerald if disagreement on even the smallest thing cause not right would shut down an. Not leave just total silent treatment an made things uncomfortable I also saw a bigger picture of things going on unspoken which caused confusion in me an needed space to figure out how to monover with situation

I was a type of mom I gave three chances an depending of course what the situation was an base would go up then loss of privileges or time out depending on age not to not bother with boys but to make them think. About what happened an as they got older they refused to go to room an It became a power struggle of being the parent an shouting at one another an then what they had originally done was lost in all the arguments my one son was excellent for this an very manipulative would wear me down arguing to the point after wards can I go ride my bike an I was like yell yes to get respite from him I was so drained an my youngest boy I can not really say what happened when I was a stay at home mom or worked part-time he would interact with brothers and him an I would play talk. About 3or,4years old maybe 5 I went to work full time his biological dad was there with brothers an noticed. Wouldn't come out of room on weekends just play video games would ask how long this been going on idk what do you mean don't know aren't you here I'm busy doing so you just shove him in room an do wtf ever. Again arguments son would hear this garabage an withdrawal more feeling as if it was some how his fault until I lost him completely an couldn't get him to go outside or even want to take him out to do anything special just him an I special trip to store or anything something happened when I was working second shift years ago. He even began to get over weight an over eat. Seemed more I tried to talk go in room sit on bed check in say what u think if we go somewhere just the two of us or you can have your brothers go your choice basically let him decide just so i could get him out of thr fucken room an was met with resistance

Every one then had said monitor your kids time on TV the four hour rule back then I had taken that one step further an said about the video games. Id get ok on from the other parent if follow up how did that work was he ok with it what did he do instead one day ok two days okay. By third day back to same shit so i made a schedule. One on fridge one on side of dresser where consult games was an amazing no one even paid attention of followed rules I feel as if I failed my youngest some how only so much I could do though I know that. I' wasn't in control of what went on when not there just doesn't make it better though cause I ultimately picked the looser Gerald as the parent so no matter how any one wants to just the situation it was my fault in the end

U can talk about Mathew deshields an Gerald all u want want an the way they were raised by claria no longer my life an or my problem. Not even wanting to waste my time trying to figure others out why how come not ever returning to such so doesn't pertain to me any longer some say lier yes u are no iam not big difference between manipulation on line an physically in person my choices assert self in life.

I couldn't do that again wasn't able to talk freely if I did he was gone crazy house hospital an kids would say what did you do this time. Mom they just never heard him or saw what he did to me in the kids eyes things would go from 0 to 100 an hear him swearing at me slamming doors so I have to give Margaret credit for calling this one out correct one thing she said what has happened to you you never have been one to put up with any shit from any one. I began to litterly beg him not to go when he would verbally abuse me an slam doors an other things I knew it was wrong my entire body was screaming let him fucken go. Don't worry grown ass man. But I didn't want to hear the blame game from the boys how I was the cause of it always I thought if I begged an lowered self an pride it would help no all it did was cause so much more disrespect an then others saw it as well an thought it was totally ok to disrespect me and have no regard for me even my boys as they got older so choices I've made in my past

I'll listen but I refuse to sit here an continuously give examples of my past marriage with Gerald trying to sabatoge me from. Manifesting what I really want an getting shit of something i don't from being informative for others so the self help shit don't work no more to do that

I previously believed my fmr spouse was a mild covert narcissist - but learning more recently about genetics, I think he actually had HF-ASD traits.