Enmeshment and Family Dynamics | Kati Morton 

I experienced enmeshment, to a degree, with my family (especially my mother); it was definitely a pattern on her side of the family, as she was enmeshed with my grandmother. She really resisted any attempt I made at individuating, both as a teen and as a young adult in college. After I graduated, college, under immense family pressure and a fear of living on my own, I got immediately married (thanks, enmeshment). After my divorce shortly after, I decided I’d rather be challenged by living alone than move back home and be under my mom’s thumb again. The freedom was scary and hard, but it was LIBERATING. I began to do what I wanted to, see whom I wanted to, and conduct my life exactly as I pleased… which infuriated my mom because she wanted to have her say (and so did my grandmother!). Unfortunately, my boundary-setting eventually resulted in my mom giving me the silent treatment. She hasn’t spoken to me since 2005 and honestly… I don’t miss the constant grip she had on me and my decision-making. I wish I had a mom, but not at the risk of having to compromise my individuality.

Im 23 and finishing my college degree and still live at home. My mom is co-dependent and doesn’t work much and spends a lot of time at home doing nothing and still asks me to go out and run her errands for her. My therapists said to practice the art of saying no without actually saying the word, making me less available for her basically. It’s still really hard because she thinks I’m being disrespectful because of it but I love how you said that setting boundaries is like a muscle. I’m hoping it will get easier with time because it is still very triggering feeling like I’m making my mom so upset.

At this point my parents dont have to even open their mouths. It triggers me just to be at home, and my therapist wants me to work on this exactly! (How did you know?!?!? ;)) Thanx kati!

I have awesome parents but there’s definitely enmeshment. They took care of everything for me up until college when I met my ex & they took over. When we split I found at age 31yrs I had no idea how to “adult”. I’m great w/ making & NOT spending $ but I’d never handled paying a bill or even made my own Dr appts. I had to learn how to be OK spending $ on myself to cover my basic needs. I had to learn how to feed myself (other then cereal 😹) & make sure my car gets oil changes. I’m finally starting to trust that I can take care of myself & I no longer feel helpless! 👍

I experienced this years ago when after 4 years of university I , because of money, needed to return to live at home, and stayed there from age 22 to 25 until I could fund my own place

I had a super cruel mother and only recently realized she was a narcissist. We were no contact most of my adulthood and I felt awful about that for ages. Then I had a thought, that she was sick. She had trauma of her own that she rarely shared, but enough to know that no one taught her how to be. That wasn't her fault and it absolutely wasn't mine. Going no contact was like putting her in quarantine. That's what you have to do to people who are sick or toxic. You protect others from spreading their sickness. It's an act of self love. Mom is gone now and I wished her peace. I'm still angry now and then from some left ofer stuff. I consider that okay. I work on it when it comes up.

This is exactly what I needed right now! I feel I have no control over anything and my parents trigger me so much and say some really shitty things, so this is a massive help. Thanks Kati!

YES you can't change anyone. All you can do is protect yourself.

My unhealthy relationship is with myself and after moving halfway around the world to try and escape me and reinvent myself I'm still stuck in the same headspace I was in at 11 and my coping mechanisms are slowly killing me.

What do you do about family members that treat you like a child (especially in front of other people)? I avoid those people like the plague, but they still act and talk to me as if a was an incompetent child. I believe they are toxic, but I can't cut them out of my life, and being assertive with them just encourages them to fight and be snarky. WHAT DO YOU DO?!?

Needed this video so badly. I live with my mother and we have had a very tense relationship with her all my life, I’m now 42. She has no sense of boundaries and knows how to push my buttons. I always fall right back to old ways of dealing with it. With my therapist, I’m trying to work on learning better ways of responding to it. It’s super hard not to go back into old patterns/stories, especially because I can’t change her and she’s unwilling to seek help on her end. I can’t move out anytime soon, so I have no choice in dealing with this. Ugh, it’s so hard!

Instead of being the victim in our' story, we can transform the narrative into a tale of a hero's journey!!

What a great topic. I'm almost 60 and still feel like I can't defend myself with my dad.

"getting stuck in old narratives" this really resonated with me, thanks for posting this Kati, struggling today and i really appreciate you sharing this 💛

How is this possible? My mother literally called me worthless last week because I spilled something(she said it in the way someone would say something they meant with their whole heart). I deeply internalized it. I even cried about it last night. Thank you for reminding me that I can reject her narrative. I'm a good person. I help others, I rescue animals, and most importantly: I love and take care of her. She's always been a very critical person and I think it's easy for me to fall back into my childlike interactions with her. I'm not worthless. Maybe she feels worthless? Regardless, I need to remain in control of my own feelings/reactions. Thank you, Kati. I wish I could repay you for all the help you give to others ❤

Idk how... But you always post videos that I exactly need Thanks a lot, Kati!

I had to create boundaries at work when my coworkers were harassing me. I had to talk to my therapist and learn what to be affected by when it came down to what they were saying and doing and how to handle it professionally. Now I know that what was really best was walking away from the job and finding a new one.

Why do so many of us have trauma in our lives? Is it inevitable as part of the human condition? Thanks and respect from Australia

The biggest issue I have is how do respond to others who are boundary violators. Certain people can trigger angry violent thoughts in my head as a reaction to the boundary being breached. I feel guilty about it but I really can’t help it bc it’s a fight or flight response. I am a covert incest survivor and my own mom gave me no privacy whatsoever. I know that I definitely have some anger from the boundary violation I went through as a boy and what others are doing in my life currently could be triggering a familiar response. Back then I was helpless against what was happening. At least now I have the power and ability to speak up for myself and be assertive. I just want to ensure that I’m not offending anyone or being hateful by asserting myself. Thanks for the video Katie! It was very helpful.

I'm a 21 year old girl who deals with high functioning autism. So I can relate to this. In elementary school and middle school I used to get ignored, teased and treated like I was a pest. I used to get told by other kids that I was weird, annoying, a baby and immature by kids my age and I started to believe it as I got older, and still to this day. I used to be in special Ed classes in public school and had my friends in that class who I can relate to due to similar problems. But kids out of my class used to treat me like crap. I gained a best friend I met when when I was ten in class that I'm still friends with today. In middle school I used to have a crush on a boy in my grade, but he didn't feel the same way and his friends used to tease me, which led me to loose trust in my peers and give up on trying to socialize in 7th grade. I've been in therapy since I was 12 because of my anti social tendencies. When I got to high school things changed when I was seeing my best friend in camp and saw her everyday in class, which made my life very happy. Now that I'm out of high school and don't see her on a daily basis, it's been hard for me to find friends in college that I can have the same connection with. While I do have a good boyfriend and I get out and socialize hear and their with my friends in public school, I still feel like I'm in that 12 year old me's mindset. This video was really good for me to hear, although I have a steady family life, unfortunately I have been letting the negative things I was told by kids in elementary school and middle school define me.

I learned to step away from toxic people after a video you did on it, Kati. I think it might have been about toxic relationships. It made me realise that I'd a lot of very negative people in my life that were very toxic, the majority of them being on the maternal side of my family. I distanced myself from the majority of them and it's like a weigh has been lifted. It was really hard and I was sad because family is family, but it was the only way I could move forward. Thank you for doing these videos, you've changed so many people's lives for the better xx

*I love from a far! I don’t need toxic folks putting me down. I don’t care who you are. I will stay away.*

Kati Can you please talk about “Adult Seperation Anxiety”?

I'm a workaholic because I don't want to go home. Its a place where I don't have boundaries.

You shared the solution to dealing with some heavy traumatic experiences and situations. And you delivered so easily to me what i'd wondered over for long. Thank you so much Kati. Thank you so much

My sister triggers me so I live my past abuse almost every night and can’t sleep..... this was very helpful thank you 🙏

Kati the timing of this video couldn't be more good towards what i am currently going through in regards to the relationship with my mother. It's like there is no boundaries with her! Thank you for spreding awareness on this issues and being able to pass on your knowledge so nicely to people like myself so we can manage to look out for help. I love your videos 😊🙌

I needed this. Thank you Kati. My dad told me that I should talk to my adopted mom. I told him that I am an adult and I can make a choice of who I can talk to and who I want in my life.

Thanks for the perspectives. The words you spoke have been missing from my life and I am so grateful for you. Thank you.

Thank you so much Kati, this video is exactly what I needed. I have so many things from my past where my boundaries were crossed & I ended up enmeshed in a bad family dynamic. You have helped me realise a few things so thank you so much! ☺

Can you do a video on intimate relationship advice for those who have experienced trauma and their partner?? Like what to do when triggered and how to soothe and be there for the person whose experienced great trauma. Lovely video as always thank you so much! 🤗

Your videos are always the right topic at the right time. Thank you Kati x

This video was so helpful. Thank you. I think I was enmeshed with a family member but we've worked out healthier boundaries since then. ❤️

I like the idea of switching the narrative in your head. I’ve been feeling really powerless at work because I have a new boss who yells a lot and it throws me back to being a helpless kid instead of a powerful working woman, and I end up responding the way I would have when I was in high school being yelled at by my track coach (scared, anxious, emotional, overly accommodating, taking things personally). I think I need to work to change my mindset that I AM an adult with agency now and nothing someone at work says can put me back into my “old story” of being a powerless little girl

This vid was extremely helpful - I had no understanding of the concept of enmeshment, which had been driving me insane for a long time, and had thought that my intuitive rejection to poor boundaries in my family was somehow bad, or crazy because the enmeshment was so covert. I am now reassured, finally.

Thank you Kati for everything, it’s a really precious community you’re building here in a time where we need it the most. The enmeshment I’m dealing with is so toxic to my daughters’ recovery, she’s been dealing with severely crippling mental illnesses. The most straightforward way of explaining it would be her growing up with the fear of something happening to me because Im her only safe person that now 10 years later into her suffering from mental illness I’m her worst trigger because of the enmeshment. It’s almost impossible to see a way out and heal from this, I’m suggesting and researching ways for her to build safety that’s independent from an outside factor (person or pet or other) instead to build safety from within that way it is always there for her to rely on and can’t be taken away. Help😭😭 we’re basically prisoners of this enmeshment it’s so intense....single parent dynamics are tricky enough for both child and parent but this underlying fear while you’re growing up created a very unhealthy type of attachment... so emotionally draining... thanx again Kati💗

Kati has Magic she knows what we struggle 😩 I learned a lot.

This came at the right time

I think this would be a great video and topic to revisit around the holidays. I didn't think about this, but I definitely have a feeling of not being important compared to the rest of the family, and feeling like a burden. And my family just expects me to go visit for the holidays each year, and I absolutely dread it. I usually comply, but just sort of dissociate, but I'm working on standing up for what I want to do and not go this year!

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps when someone tells me they went through it too.

You said, even though they are our parents,, when were adults it is an adult relationship .. words of wisdom.. I think goes the other way also. When our kids and are adults that is an adult relationship and the same boundaries have to be there.....

Great video, Kati. Thank you for all your hard work!

That’s what I started doing once I had realization that I need to change and now that I heard it over here am thankful I that I kept my belief in me and kept the courage to follow my intuition

Thank you kati, my friend and I were both really struggling with life and family problems last night so this really helps thsnk you I’m going to be sure to share it

this was immensely helpful and I'm ACTUALLY looking forward to seeing my family in a few days so I can challenge myself to trying these out. thank you!

What should one do when a parent doesn’t realize they’re hurting you, even after telling them to stop doing something? I don’t feel like I should have to explain to a parent in detail how and why something they say or do hurts me. At the same time I’m in no position to ask them to change, but if this certain parent doesn’t change, I don’t want them in my life. I’m 20 years old, and I live on my own, but go home to my parents on weekends. To be honest I mainly go home to see our pets, but it puts me in a very bad mental state because I feel disrespected, discarded and that my loyalty is taken for granted. How can I do something about this? Should I even try or give up on the relationship with that parent?

I will be watching this a few times. Just what I needed.

Holy Moly i watched this a year ago and after all this time now i completely understand this video. Making great changes now thAt i could not a year ago. Healing is truly a process everyone learns at their own pace. No matter how long it takes to grow and learn, it's still am accomplishment to be proud of.

I wish I had learnt this a long time ago. I knew something was wrong and feel it but couldn't understand or reach out for the right kind of help to understand that what I was feeling about boundaries and enmeshment was not normal

Kati, can you give examples of people realizing when they had finally successfully separated psychologically from someone toxic in their life? I knew I had separated when I received a hateful e-mail from my mother, but her words no longer had any weight on me anymore. It was as if I was reading an e-mail from a complete stranger who I'd never met. I just deleted it and then went about my day as normal.

This is one of the best videos thanks Katie

Great video, I am going to try and apply healthier boundaries to my life. I know that I am far to nice and lax on my boundaries with my family on certain things, even though I share a lot with them. Needing to utilize the word "No" more often as well would be beneficial for myself. Thanks always for your amazing videos.

God bless you post this topic, I've got problems with all the siblings horrible situation!

I’ve had to really work on this for the last few years. My sister, who had a much closer relationship with my parents, moved overseas when we were in our early 20s and my parents shifted all their expectations from her to me. My dad in particular has told me for years that when they get old i will buy a house with a granny flat for them to live in, and i will look after them. My mum has told me I can’t move too far away because they won’t be able to visit. They have both strongly influenced who i should have relationships with (romantic and plutonic), career and financial choices, and as a result i grew a lot of resentment towards them. I moved to another town and started seeing a therapist and learning about boundaries. Lo and behold, when i started saying no, my relationship with them improved greatly. We can now disagree on topics without it becoming a screaming match. It’s still challenging at times, but it has gotten a lot easier.

Thank you so much for making this video! I'd love see a follow up video to this and hear more recommendations you have on how to navigate establishing that adult child/parent relationships. My mom and I went through a lot of growing pains with this when I was in college, and now my younger brother is going through that same transition, but I feel like our mom is giving him a much harder time than she did me, and I don't know how to help him navigate it. I know I made MUCH worse decisions during that time in my life than he is now (he's just completed his first year of med school and is working over the summer vs I had fallen into very toxic/abusive relationship my junior year and almost dropped out of school, before pulling myself out if it with my family and friends' help)

Hi Kati, thank you for making such amazing content!

wow i love this. can you do more videos on splitting and bpd? how do i figure out when I'm splitting and then the person in question is actually toxic?

Your videos are amazing thank you Kati xxx

Thanks for this video kati, ive had trouble placing boundaries but im getting better at it!

I love the way you say welcome!!!

The part about rewriting our story related to trauma is really interesting. I’m not sure how I can do it though. My trauma is not related to abuse or an unhealthy relationship, it’s related to death, something natural. When I was 6 years old, my grandfather, great-grandmother, teacher, and best friend all died. This led to some pretty severe separation anxiety (my parents have told me I used to cry when they put me to bed because I was scared I would wake up and they’d be dead too). I’m finding this still manifesting itself in my life today, 18 years later. Any suggestions on how to rewrite my story? Obviously I can’t pretend it didn’t happen (I’m not Norman Bates, lol).

As somebody in my early 60s, it has been my realisation that although I later on developed an adult to adult relationship with my parents and family, I know that I was not ‘brought’ up by them, I had to learn that on my own. Binds, negative ones, are not always self authored. Whenever crisis prompts regressions, no matter how old I am, I have to work on binding these wounds. Several years of psychodynamic counselling have assisted me with this process.

please do more anxiety related videos!!! also, i love your channel and videos, so informative and helpful!

I'm currently visiting my grandparents and extended family and it's as if Kati can read minds!

I went into my preteen years thinking I was a bitchy, sassy, “don’t mess with me” young girl only for my peers to tell me how nice and sweet and kind I am. My perception of myself changed as I socialized outside my family. It still surprises me sometimes when people tell me I’m nice at the age of 26. My mom’s narrative of me is so different from the people I actually spend time with. When I was 22 living at home she had no boundaries, would barge into the bathroom to pee while I was taking a relaxing bath, even though there were 2 other toilets in the house. I was ambitious to move out at 23 and she got so angry that I wanted to leave. I didn’t understand because I was surely old enough to live on my own and wanted to be independent. She eventually let it go. In ways I’m thankful that I’m her least favorite child because she doesn’t latch onto me as much as my other siblings. She’s newly divorced and has never been alone in her entire adult life, she’s 53, the adjustment is hard for her. My brother is the oldest and she acts like he’s supposed to step in and be her “replacement spouse”. Blows up at him all the time if he doesn’t cater to her. Wants to lean on him for everything. Now that most of her kids are older and financially stable she wants to flip the roles of parent and child. Will ask us for specific, even sometimes expensive mothers days gifts, and that just feels forced. Mother’s Day is not about the gifts and social media posts 🫠 My sister and I are her therapists, my sister is also her emotional support blanket, I’m not as useful because sometimes I don’t want to go along with her narrative and trauma bond with her over the trauma she gave me. It will take her 20 minutes into a conversation to even ask me a single question about myself. Her pov is the only thing she sees sometimes. Everytime she bitches to me about my brother not bending over backwards I want to say something but I don’t want to hurt her feelings and end up in an argument with her. She has cancer and it’s been soooo tough dealing with all of the mixed emotions while making sure she’s okay and healthy. Everyone cares and wants to help but being around her sometimes is hard. Sometimes she bites the hand that feeds her. I don’t think she sees the pressure she puts on us and the guilt trips she puts us through. Has cancer and can’t quit cigarettes, found out she was spending $700 a month on red bulls while she was crying about medical expenses (she’s cut back tremendously but not completely), kinda brags about her ex husband giving her more in alimony every month. Thankfully the cancer isn’t severe and she’s almost beat it, I’m proud of her, and I hope it makes her realize she needs to take better care of herself, but her emotional immaturity and codependency have been a big eye opener for me. I wish I could say my mother is someone I adore and look up to, but she inspires me in a way that when I look at her and her life and decisions she’s made, I see it as an example of what not to do.

Exactly what I needed today

My mom said some shit that drove me back into my past where we would just fight and shed scream at me. I just silently walked away into the backyard. She mumbled shitty things about me when i did but i needed to get away! And i felt so rude! Thanks for helping me realize it was okay for me to put space between us because I knew i would prevent conflict

I needed this. Thank you

Wow. You just put a very complex struggle I am having into perspective and helped me set productive goals to focus on. You did more in 15 minutes than 8 months of struggle in therapy. I had never even heard the term "enmeshment" before now. Can you recommend anyone in SoCal that can expand on this with me while recovering from severe burnout and long-lasting repetitive trauma? Or would that be in your scope of service? This was super helpful thank you so much for doing this you amazing woman!

Well, this is remarkably well-timed for me

thank you for this video Kati!!

I needed this video today.

Hey kati can you make a video about disorganized attachment please, because I suffer from it and it's really annoying and really hard as an adult, also love your videos, have a great day!

I highly recommend the book happy by derren brown to you, and everybody else, he talks a lot about different philosophies and their take on happiness, including the stories we tell ourselves and letting go of control on others, honestly such an amazing read, absolutely brilliant ♥

Realllllyy helpful Katie thank you❤🌺

Hi Kati! I've watched quite a few of your videos and found them helpful. I have difficulties with social anxiety and depression. As a kid and teenager I rarely left home and lived in the country. I'm in undergrad now, and trying to live outside of the home, but I'm finding it borderline impossible to branch out and meet people outside my "family island". It's like there's a wall between me and others I can't break! I hate myself, but I don't know who I am, even. I'm so alone, and I don't know what to do! Can someone please help me? Thanks again for these videos you put up. They touch on a lot of issues relevant in my life, and you provide an empathetic voice when I (and I imagine many others) just need one sometimes.

Great video. Honestly, I had to break with my parents internally to set any boundary.

Happy thursday,great upload

I recently started to learn that my father might have BPD. He was always so controlling, abusive, chose to victim role, never wanted to be abandoned and sometimes behaved like a child. What's worse is that for most of my life I've felt responsible for his emotions and making him feel good. Any time he got angry I felt like I was responsible for it and didn't feel comfortable. Any time he was happy I was feeling okay. That's probably why I became a people pleaser and it's been difficult to explore my identity as a gay man and have more relationships with other gay men; they don't really see who I really am and with straight people I put up a fake straight macho persona that doesn't represent my true self. I'm glad to start seeing a therapist again and learn Kati's advice. I am starting to get control of my life and show my true self to the world.

It’s hard living with your parents as a 30-year old, thank you for your videos…

Hi Katie, can you discuss a little about being a scapegoat child. Thank you for all your informative videos. They all help in understanding life a lot more better.

I am an adult in a masters program and I have blocked my mom on all forms of media. She does not know where I live now. She is telling relatives that I need someone to think for me and she wants them to help her get back in touch with me. That's my boundary setting and how my emotionally abusive parent is taking it.

Wonderful & very helpful

This hits home, thank you.

I love your videos! This one really opened my eyes to things I didn't even know were valid and real anxieties. I am 25 years old still living at home i really struggle and always have struggled from a very young age with approval will my parents approve of this, what will they say, how will they try to change my decisions. boundaries and communication with friends and family have also always been serious struggle within myself.

I'm so mad at my Mom and she just disregards my complaints. She'll fight for a while, use guilt/fear, then flip and play the victim, then ask me to put the whole thing behind us and carry on as we were, disregarding everything I worked so hard to say! Boundary Buster! How can I ever learn to assert boundaries with a mother like that! I don't WANT to talk to her! She acts as if it's her right! Whimpers she doesn't know what she did wrong... I TOLD her!

Thank you for your wisdom, education, and professional thoughts. What do you see as a boundary between being virtuously empathetic and unhealthy enmeshment?

When i go home I feel leaned on to go to bed when my mother does. I feel like a child being told a bed time and I hate it. I'm over 40.

My parents and an older brother are dependent of me, financially and emotionally. I take care of my dad because he has dementia. My mom had a stroke and is unable to take care of my dad. My older brother never ‘grew’ up and was always financially dependent on my parents when they were working age. They never forced my brother to work and move out. They allowed him to stay home while I and a younger brother began working. Now that my parents are too sick to work, the responsibility of looking out for that brother has fallen on ME. This has led to arguments with my mom, who right away becomes irate and depressed, yelling that she wishes she could die so she wouldn’t be a burden to me anymore. She succeeds in guilt-tripping me. Her wish is for me to look out for this brother who is already 45 years old and make sure he has food and a roof over his head. I can’t afford to move out either. It saddens me. I’m already 34 and the idea of ever getting married and having kids is out the window. I don’t want to have my own family while having to look out for this lazy brother at all times. 😢

Kati having a cussing fit is awesome.

“The story I tell myself” AHH what brene brown said at watermark!! I gotchu kati

'you don't have to deal with them being a total garbage person' kati went OFF in this video 😂😂😂

Thank you 💖

That shirt brings out the colour of your eyes well. Thanks for helpful vids btw. 👍

So, so good.

So.....I should not feel guilty when it's been 1 or 2 weeks, mom calls, asks me to do something, I'm avoidant and say no. On top of that is " everyone is dying and you will regret lost time with people". Like I really try to communicate, be interactive, but most days I feel my parents are not mine anymore. I struggle to look my dad in the eyes, because I see fear for just not being them. I wanted and voiced out for resolution because my main abuser lives with my parents ( they were abusive but it's easier forgiving), I said because it shows change. If they want me around my abuser, he needs to own up to it, to me, he doesnt even have to say I am sorry because maybe that's hard enough. Now I wonder if that's too much of an expectation. And I feel if I confronted the elephant sitting on me, I'd sound like an aggressor, which I dont want.

Kati Morton parental alienation is a subject of interest to many, especially alienated parents, in particular, re connecting with your alienated child.....svp

Thanks Kati..i do give excusec like that to put up my boundaries but my parents r sooo toxic they just hold me... held me back and say that i must talk about that thing I'm very not willing to talk about ! It's more irriatuing now since I'm stuck with them in this lockdown.

So on point.

I grew up thinking that far studies were the ways to life, and my dad especially flexed that he got far in that and stuff.... And yah as an adult I met people in college who had breaks or were still confused... So recently I chose to take a break from college to take care more about myself further