This is a very good topic! I think the question of repressed anger comes directly from always being the kind, nice, softie, cutie, not wanting any debate, confiltct, etc which i think living like that is a complete harmful bullshit. Authenticity is being connected to the gut feeling, knowing when you are safe or not, knowing what you want more of what you dont want more of. Asserting the true self requires healthy anger. Repressed anger turns aganist the self.(aka sickness or in a form of "mental illnes")
Yes this is so insightgful! I mean, I definitely had a lot of that repressed anger when I was younger, my constant avoidance of any kind of conflict, and it was very harmful. "Asserting the true self requires healthy anger" - I wish I was able to know this and act upon it when I was younger for sure, although I'm glad I eventually learned how to get through that. Repressed anger turning against the self - I think that nails it...
I for one would love to see a second Seagull Expression channel from you. 🙂Well it does sound like you channel or filter the anger you may feel in a way that's cathartic and creative without being harmful or obtrusive. I understand that too with having a darker sense of humor as well. I've also often said "I don't get mad, I get melancholy." Usually it's the most depressive periods where the anger is most felt as well, though it's seldom anything I express outwardly that'd be obvious to others unless they could pick up on those nuances. No, you're not a danger to anyone...unless they have no sense of humor whatsoever. 🙂 -Carm
"I don't get mad, I get melancholy" - that's kind of wonderful, ha, I've had this thought and it seems much more dignified, doesn't it? Yes I need to get to work on this Seagull Expression with Vondelpete Channel! :)
@@vondelpete yeaah!! I always say that in spanish : "Yo no me incomodo/no me molesto .. solo me siento triste, o me decepciono y me alejo como perrito triste." I think because we have some expectations with people, but deep inside we know they will hurt us, so why getting mad? we knew already. .. ooh how pessimistic. So instead of making feel bad to someone, we isolate.
Ok, so I'm going to over-share a bit and be vulnerable here. But first let me get it out of the way that I've never perceived you to have a 'danger to society' vibe, in fact I've learnt so much from your perspectives, and I'm envious of the composed and self-assured aura you've got. (Of course I don't know you in person, so it's all based off of impressions here). Anyway, so my bit about myself- I do think I am an angry person. At a younger age I might even have been like your angry friend or the seagull kicking guy at the station. I am not proud of the way i was. There's so much I'm not proud of even in present. But i realise most of my anger issues now are directed at my family only, and perhaps that's where they originated. When i was young, my parents were pretty abusive and father had massive anger issues. Mother always defended and enabled him. On top of it they were conservative religious people who took away all joy and curiosity from life. Took away all my spark. I was a very lonely kid. I realise now that for most of my life i was sleep-walking, barely feeling REAL, that i actually 'existed', and that i had any power and agency of my own. Of course this made me impulsive and irresponsible for my actions. I was heavily influenced by my environment and I was not a good person to many people because of that. I feel a lot of regret. I guess my rage towards my family is something I have not been able to shed. I need to move out of home and I honestly feel that is the only thing that can fix it. Because there's always something that is happening that becomes 'triggering' or say, overwhelming to my senses etc. I feel fundamentally incompatible with my family. It's my current work in progress where i try to work through my anger without giving in to the impulse to explode. I feel i am still controlled by this rage. Every other area of my life- i feel empowered and gently assertive. Like I'm in control and that i have a voice and that i can be understood by others without resorting to anger. Thanks for reading. I needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for sharing this, ugh and so many things can stem from family, can't they? There is so much else I should really have said in this video - more about my own anger and how eventually being able to express anger actually really helped me - but I have no idea how I even managed to ever do that. Ultimately I think anger is there for a reason and a signal to yourself, and hopefully can be used as a signal to others about asserting boundaries, and a drive - I guess I'm also still pretty governed by this. But I keep reminding myself that anger is, actually, justifiable and there'd be something scary about the absence of anger, especially when you've gone through a lot - to not be affected by these feelings also sounds wrong, right? Again thanks so much for sharing!
Hi Pete , I do have anger issues... It's something I don't like and I'm afraid of this part of myself. I have developed these issues throughout the years because of traumatic events I've been through especially a big chunk of them included extreme violence... That's why I tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling bad. Almost all the time I have tried when I was angry to deal with it when I'm alone. So it would be very hard to tell I have these kind of problems from the outside because I almost seem quiet from the outside which is true ( I don't fake it, it's really who I am) it's just beneath the surface there's a big grief and some of it came out as anger... I think people can be really judgmental about angry people because we can never know what's a person going through. I'm sorry no offense intended but I think we should be more tolerant towards those people because it's better to have a person shouting than doing some dark stuff... I know it is way much easier said than done and sometimes we can't tolerate it all the time especially if it gets quite recurrent and at some point the person should try to regulate their anger or at the very least isolate themselves even it's an extreme measure which has its darksides... I think neither your friend nor you were wrong. Both of you chose their one way of coping and it's fine as long as you feel comfortable with it and avoid hurting people as far as possible. Yes during my entire life not only my teenage years I felt powerless and I was in a somewhat of a toxic environment and unfortunately anger was building up and I got very rare ways to express it in healthy way especially that one my parents had anger issues ... It's a very horrible life. I wasn't into sports too maybe my way was to make up stories in my head and try to channel my anger through them even If it didn't help much. I've never been into horror movies because my life is already one... I don't really have a dark sense of humor. Sorry for this dark comment but your video resonated with me so much that at the end I shed some tears... Sorry again abd thanks for the video
Thank you for this comment, I think you're right. I'm sorry you went through all of that. I guess even for me I dealt with violence as a child and a lot of aggression, even if it wasn't constant, and it's a reminder I think that we don't know what others have gone through. In this guy's case, I wondered about that too. It was relieving to me that after he expressed his anger he seemed to calm down and be quite happy. Which was very different to how I would be, I don't express anger like that but if I'm angry it takes a few days for me to calm down. That's something I remember thinking about him - he was expressing the anger but he wasn't doing dark stuff. Thank you for sharing your experience and take care!
You are welcome and thanks for writing back. Thanks for your kind words and I'm sorry for what you've been through. It seems we have something in common about this: even when I express anger it may take days to calm down. It was nice hearing from you again Pete. You too , take care
Monty Python haha. This reminds me of that scene in Life of Brian, “Always look on the bright side of life!” and they're hanging on the crosses (one cross each lol) being crucified and they start singing that song hahaha and kicking their feet. That scene always makes me cry laughing. Your friend sounds like he’s wound a little tightly. I think the advice to stay on top of things is really wise. It’s funny, if you’ve had a lot of darkness in your life, dark people are the only people you can truly be yourself around. Nothing phases them because darkness is normal, it’s not shocking. I see your point. Jung’s theories are spot on in this case. If you refuse to look at something or acknowledge it, that is the very thing that will control your life because the act of avoiding it, is in itself, obsession with the one exact thing you are avoiding. Yeah, it’s good to look at it…laugh at it. Don’t let it get the best of you. Great video. Pete!
Ha well you can probably tell how much I watched Life of Brian as a teenager, over and over again. So much of that movie shaped my sense of humour. There's something very true in this, I do feel more comfortable discussing darkness and with people who have also experienced darkness, it seems to always happen with me. I guess dark people, but not people engaging in too much darkness - but even then yeah, maybe there is an odd comfort. It is all very Jung. Yes - to look at it and laugh at it, don't let it control you...thank you!
thinking about your theory ... yeah,, I can say maybe this issue of me not getting angry or upset has damaged my pancreas...as how a doctor told me. I was like ..... so how can I develop this ability of getting angry? And speaking gentle (but out loud) about what makes you feel upset, is a nice way to say the right words in the right times. This year specially, I learned also to put some limits and I'm using the word "no" ... I always apologise first, and then , I write on my journal how does that situation made me feel and what I've learned ( because it's important to improve-avoid those scenearies once again) Hope you get me. u.u
Your doctor said it damaged your pancreas? Wow. But I do think holding in anger must be causing a lot of damage to our bodies, I sense that with myself. I like your limits you've been setting, and I guess that could be something I could do as well, I know I'm a mile better at saying no now compared to when I was younger. I hope this has been helping you slowly! Thanks for sharing :)
I think there are ways to express anger that don't include being very explosive. However, I grew up with an older brother that would lash out and yell at us (the rest of the family). Sometimes, directly at me (the younger sibling by about 20 years). And I've noticed that in more intimate relationships when it gets to a certain point where I feel like I'm not being heard, I have lashed out. And I attribute that more to the example I was given growing up. However, most of the time, I agree that dark humor usually gets me by or even dark writing, if that makes sense.
Ugh well that isn't good. I also had a family where there was a lot of lashing out and yelling. I think the positive side is that sometimes lashing out, well, at least shows the seriousness of what you're feeling. In some ways I respect it, I think, in other ways it can be triggering. I think that's why, on reflection, I get much more irritated when people express anger over tiny things, when I feel like it should be reserved for things that actually matter, so that, I guess, people take you seriously when you're expressing emotions over things that matter. Dark writing and dark humour - I think it's a good way to balance out our souls a bit and just expose ourselves to the fact that life has a dark side to it (which is reality).
Once someone starts yelling at birds and insects, it's time for them to join an anger management programme. I don't think yelling at everyone and everything is what psychologists have in mind when they say it's good to express your anger. Is your INFP 4w5 friend the same guy who said he can't get women because he isn't white? If he joins a group of incels, run as far away as you can 🤣. I rarely get angry, but when I do it's very explosive. And to be honest it bothers me because it's a complete waste of energy and leads nowhere. Therefore I've started telling myself to calm down and put my energy into something useful, whenever I feel anger arising. It works ... sometimes 😅 but I'm getting better at it. Ultimately you shouldn't blame others for your anger because everyone is responsible for their own emotions. I heard that that is what Fi users think, so maybe I'm not an INFJ after all 🤔.
Ha, yeah it is the same guy I mentioned before and yes, by the end he admitted he was an incel. And, naturally, accused me of being one 😂 Sigh. He was genuinely good company at the start of last year, but there was this interesting, slowly degradation of his spirit, or something. Ha well, anger is an interesting topic - so much of my regrets involve me NOT showing anger, and realising that if I had learned to express anger I could have made life a lot easier for myself and really let people know where I stood. So it's interesting that it's kind of the opposite for you?But I'd say for me I had explosive anger too, and even in terms of that, I guess it's context dependant and when it's being expressed and who to. Hm yeah I still remember those days when you identified as INFP - I don't know ha. My INFJ Dad always says the same thing about people being responsible for their own emotions. He was the one who always told me not to show emotions and never react, which was probably not always helpful. Also, he himself has a much shorter fuse and expresses anger all the time haha. But the big difference is that he can then seemingly change his mood at the drop of a hat, while I'm left in a bad mood for hours if I'm angry...
@@vondelpete Accusing you of being an incel was a very low blow, not cool. And in my opinion you're far away from being one - you have a great personality and you're a good looking guy! I'm definitely not an INFP but recently I heard that some INFJs are actually mistyped ISFPs, and if I'm being honest, I know that I'm an Se-Ni user but I've never been completely sure about Fe-Ti. It might just be enneagram 9 that's trying to keep the peace and that I confuse with Fe. I've been watching a million videos on ISFPs and must admit I can relate a lot. Also, when I think of how I was in my 20s, I don't think I spent much time thinking about the future. I wanted to to something, so I just went and did it without thinking about it twice. I'd rather watch an action movie than a deep drama, I love roller coasters and I don't mind loud noises. In fact I find bustling environments quite energizing. And let's get real here for a second - I can listen to ideas and theories for a while but then it wears me out. Sometimes I listen to INFPs and INFJs on RU-vid and I wonder what they're talking about 😳. I guess I'm a fraud ...
@@emb8319 ah thank you :) I mean it was comical, the reason I was called an incel was that I said I'm going home to practice guitar - which he claimed made me an incel 😂 It's too funny, really. You know it sounds so weird to mistype INFJs and ISFPs but I've done it plenty of times, even now there are people who I can't work out are INFJs or ISFPs. In theory there shouldn't be any dispute but...just like many INFPs really lean into their Si, I guess many ISFPs really lean into their Ni? On the other hand I've known ISFPs where there's no doubt they're ISFP to me. Now you've got me so curious into what your actual type is haha, I'll still assume INFJ for now.
You're friend was being hyperbolic and gaslighting you a little. I don't know your family dynamic but I, random person on the street, don't find you threatening in the least. You compared your friends anger at 40 to your own at 14 - that says it all. I wonder if your friends dramatic stance on not bottling up his anger is just dramatics, making a statement, or/and maybe it involves a bit of backlash against his own culture. I rarely go nuclear but it's always directed at close relationship where something is seriously ff'd up.
I laughed out loud at you pointing out that his anger at 40 was being compared to my anger at 14, that does say it all actually, haha. I think it was hyperbole and theatrics for sure, making a statement and so on. Going nuclear - yes same with me, only when things are going very bad and it is expressed at close relationships, and in that context it's going to make a lot more sense...
Hi from scotland! The land of dark humor 😂 I will try to not get too angry at seagulls in my videos if that triggers you 😅 Anyway you are not toxic, way to project his problems onto you! I think we all have our anger issues, but i think you have a healthy way of doing things. I get angry quite often. I used to handle it by shouting in my head that i wanted to d*e. But instead i have changed that to saying i want to k*ll someone (or trump), which i will say out loud when I'm alone 🙈 it relieves some anger. I obviously have no intention of acting that out because it seems so ridiculous to me 😅 Yes i think we tend to be attracted to darkness. I've said before on my channel but i like stuff where people are hurting like handmaid's tale or certain scenes from harry potter. I also read some dark fanfiction about trauma. I think the Resistance is a narrative i like to invent my own character to be in. Like since i haven't experienced much awful myself i place my character there and see her experience real pain and fight against it. I try to keep it separate from my real life so it doesn't hurt others, but yeah i don't know if thinking about torturing my character is good 🙈 So lately i have retired my character from a few of those worlds for a time, where i only allow myself to enter if i consciously think about it and ask to be let in. Otherwise i keep entering that dark space. It has kind of worked so now i only go there to relieve burdening emotions once every few weeks 😊 is this me further repressing myself even in my thoughts? Or rather a way to not let bitterness ruin my life? 🤔 I think compartmentalizing can be a way to cope with all the emotions. Sure there needs to be some physical or emotional release, but on your own on your terms and without it bleeding into relationships with others. So using imagination as a conduit towards a safer space to release that anger is quite a good thing, but it then needs to have a method to siphon its way out as well so that it doesn't fester in your imagination either. Like airing out your brain once in a while. I guess that is why INFPs are so good at art generally, we use that emotion>>imagination>>art pipeline 😊 Anyway thanks for the video and sorry my comment was so long 😅
You're already in Scotland wow! Yes the land of dark humour (and I'm 30 per cent Scottish according to my DNA)...lol trust me your reaction to seagulls is in proportion compared to what I've seen. 😂 And yeah, he was pretty big on projection, he later accused me of being bipolar when I said I'm thinking of travelling to Japan in a year's time (claiming I had impulse issues haha). Oh well. I much prefer your method of yelling in your head about, well, people and Trump lol. Oh hm thinking about torturing your character? I don't know if it's good, but I had a whole narrative in my old comic where I psychologically tortured my character and eventually it got way darker lol, and it all felt very therapeutic to me hah. I somehow think it's all healthy. Hm yeah I agree too - I used to always compartmentalise to ridiculous extremes, and even letting it all out in my imagination or in fiction definitely wasn't enough - I had to eventually learn the fine art of delivering anger to actual people (even in the most subtle and quiet way, you know?) and yeah, 'airing out the brain' is something I'm going to think about more actually. For some reason living in Japan ten years ago made me feel much...safer than here in Australia and coming back to Australia, I was a bit more balanced and slowly was able to stand up for myself more and set boundaries. Like living in a less-aggressive environment and making better friends lifted my standards of what I expected? I don't know. Anyway enjoy Scotland, how cool that you're travelling!
Ah the scottishness explains quite a bit of your humour 😂 i think there are more aggressive countries than others. Sweden is more passive aggressive than anything but it has made me weak to any yelling or criticism 😅 so now when i go to france everything seems so harsh 🙈 anyway I'm glad you have learnt to deliver your anger in a positive way 😊 Oh also that guy is a jerk, why does he keep psychoanalyzing your very normal behavior? 😂
@@radishraven9 Ha yeah the Scottishness might really be part of me. It's funny to think of France as harsh though haha. Hm yeah, it was weird though, he was mainly fine to chat to for the first 7 months of last year lol, then he kind of entered into the darkness - an interesting study in an INFP getting lost in their shadow or whatever? I felt bad ghosting him in the end but then again I've kind of saved myself this year (I think my videos seem a lot more chilled out since then ha)
