Fearful Avoidants: 3 Things That Make You Feel Attraction & How to Overcome Limerence 

One of the greatest gifts we can give our partners is the ability to love our selves and the freedom to be who we truly are.

As a FA this was an amazing video. All the past relationships and casual flings that I had were to fill the void within me, due to my dismissive and abusive parents and brother. They were either sexual, dismissive or with extreme limmerence My therapist also said this to me recently and I broke down crying for days. With my recent ex I was able to recognise that, place boundaries, explain my needs and leave the relationship when they were not met. There's light at the end of the tunnel guys. It gets better if you really work on yourself.

I've spent the whole morning watching your videos on fearful avoidant attachment and I am hooked and feeling so empowered to improve my life and relationships. Thank you!!!!

This video has made me realize that I have never been in love in my life. It's always been limerence. And I am 43 yrs old!!

Please do more content regarding Limerance and super persistent one sided attachment.

Thanks Thais. I'm recognizing limerence less often as I get older and work on being secure. My personal red flags for limerence are when after I interact with someone new. My first thoughts might be along the lines of "this person is so shiny" or "Wow, they just sparkle". That's when I know to stop and look at the situation more rationally. With that being some people are just genuinely amazing.

This woman and her courses saved my life!

Wish my ex had seen this before she "fell in love" with a guy she had known for 6 weeks, and threw away our 2-year relationship.

Hmm Limerence is eye opening....never heard this word before but truly comes from idolizing this person for meeting our unmet needs.

I always knew that the reason the abuser's love-bombing worked on me was that I was exhausted and at a vulnerable point in my life when we met. He had a gut-level understanding of how to play on my fears and dreams. But this video really breaks it down in a way that helps me see how I got suckered in and also how I can help build my trust again whenever I allow myself to feel attracted to someone down the road.

I didn’t even know what limerence was before this. Thank you for the concept, it really gives a frame to examine a lot of my past experiences!

Here I was thinking I’d met my soulmate.

As a FA how do I let my friends or partners know my needs without seeming needy? Like telling someone that forgets to call you “hey it’s okay if you forget, but can you tell my why so I know that I can trust you and you still care about me?” Because I push people away I feel like none of my friendships are at the point where I can comfortably communicate my needs without seeming overly clingy or high maintenance. That’s why I usually keep silent, that way at least I know that they’ll stay my friend rather than risk it and lose them.

PDS is literally life changing! Forever grateful Thais ❤️

My ex is FA, and this video makes sense. I’m rather “confident, assertive” etc. And he generally has lower self-esteem. He idealized and attached to me rather quickly, however it eventually drained me because his “lack” was bringing me down. He would project his insecurities instead of trying to work on himself. Yes he appreciated my qualities and traits but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t confident or at least working on their confidence instead of just latching onto mine. Lesson learned.

this video series on fearful avoidants is changing my life

Thank you once again, for giving me tools to work with. I'm getting so much value from these videos.

Oh my god! I get why am acting out like this in relationship! Thanks so much for this video! 🙏

This video is amazing! It has putten things into perspective and now I understand why I struggle so much with extreme limerence and infatuation.

The video I needed for a long time now! Thank you so much.

I just love everything you say, i love your structure, the examples and how you guide me to my inner light. Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou! At 36 I have regained hope that life can get better and i am so grateful my intuition lead me to you. My gorgeous teacher.

This video has brought a lightbulb moment for me, thank you

You’re right that we date people who represent things within us that we lack. I’m not as forward or direct at times, but I’ve dated men like that, but unfortunately they were that way to the max extent. For example, last year I dated a guy who was super direct and didn’t mince words. I met his parents and they were that way too. I totally realized e got his overtly direct behavior from his parents. His parents would constantly call me “too skinny” and ask me “jokingly” if I ever ate. Way too direct and rude. My ex was like this too. He would tell me I should dress more “grown” because he thought my style coupled with my petite body made me look “too young”. It was disgusting and I’m glad I realized that I subconsciously dated him wanting to be near that directness that I lack. My dad is intensely dismissive because he was adopted and neglected as a child and was told that his biological parents didn’t want anything to do with him, he was told they wanted to forever abandon and forget him. In turn I’ve dated dismissive men not realizing it at first. I know that Sigmund Freud’s Electra complex is at work here too. Women date men like their dads. I completely fit this rule.

You explained the exact situation I am currently going through, but now I have this situation and the loss of a good friend and mentor to deal with all within the last two days.

Thais has the BEST content on limerence on youtube hands down! Very detailed and elaborate. As someone who struggles with limerence, I can't thank her enough.

you are the crown on every star and every sunbeam ♡ endless gratitude to you

You explained things here that i was looking for in a psychic reading, and your video was way more empowering. 😁 Thank you! I hope i can reprogram these debilitating imprints quickly and experience truly satisfying relationships before long!

Traits, unmet needs, painful stories.... Really helpful. Thanks.

Awesome video. Foundation is set. Now I'll choose attraction not blindly. My ex had assertiveness trait that I lacked. He fulfilled keeping us together (later I got, it ws hoovering narc)my unmet need for togetherness. He ws dismissive & narcissistic like my parents, d comfort zone. Phew !!

Absolutely SPOT on! So so incredibly helpful information to move into a space of healing. Over idealization of people has been referred to as "favorite person" in some circles and the content here completely outlines a path to wholeness and freedom! As an FA, this hit home as in a homerun! Thank you thank you for these incredibly life changing and yet practical tools.

Thank you! This is really helpful and insightful for me.

This waa awesome! Thank you!

Thanks for saving my life ❤️🙏

Thank you for the fearful avoidant material. Relevant for me. You think you will add more about how the types interact with non romantic partners?

You are brilliant woman! Looks like you went to the Harvard of Psychology!

This helps me on a personal level so much. It also gave me insight as to what is going on with my partner. Hopefully she can express those needs to me.

Wow. Bless you angel ❤️

wow. this helps me so much, I can't even express it. thank you.

Great content as usual! Provided me so many insights. Thank you very much!

I wish I had seen this before I cheated on my ex-husband and blew my entire life up. This is powerful information to have. Thank you for sharing.

Thankyooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!!!!! 🙏👏👏👏

I’m new to all this, but learning so much. SO tired of feeling like I do. I’m a big “why” person, so all this neurophysiology is right up my alley. How do we find out our unmet needs? I assume there is a video. Keep up the good work Thais. Thank you so much.

Amazing 🙌🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

This video is really good and extremely helpful as my attachment style is fearful avoidant. Can you explain how the painful story about ourselves create such attraction in another video?

I only discovered you today and I have learnt so so much - on the way to healing ...

wow u rly just explained to me why I literally had to go on anxiety meds over a stem major i slept with *thrice*

This was great. :) I will keep an eye open from now on. I get struck so often by random people and then fantasize. 🙊

thank you thais! no wonder i can’t get a guy from diabetes camp off my mind!! i feel so understood after watching this video :)

Definitely FA, to a tee, I have never experienced this. However, post someone breaking up with me (which is the theme of the last 10 years of my life) I feel something like limerence. I can very vividly experience the person as if they are sitting next to me, I can even hear them talking to me. I know they not there, its just mental gymnastics, but that is when I experience it. Before a relationship starts I am generally the one who is more relaxed and not pushing. Guess it is all a derivation around the same theme and wound.

Actually, this is one of my current main struggle, for the opposite: Id never have been longer than 3 months dating a guy, and now I'm dating one for 7 months. I didn't feel limmerence with the guy I'm trying to build a relationship with for a long time, and that was a problem after the initial dating hormones went away. I did not think of him all hours of the day, I did not obsess, I would forget about him, I would not be thrilled for our next date to arrive (Id be happy, but not histerical) I did feel this at the beginning, but it calmed down (I think it's normal after a few months, is it not?) and when it calmed down I started going crazy questining if I like him. Because in my head, that dated guy after guy, my only definition of liking is being in that state, so not obsessing over him 24/7 left me very, very confused. I remember even sitting down watching some TV show and getting anxious in the middle of the show because I stopped thinking about him for a few minutes. So sickening. All this anxiety was hard to deal with, it actually sabotaged my feelings a bit, but now I'm calmer on this and I allow myself space from him without questioning that I also am my own person and I must be that for a few hours of the day at least.

I've realized now that I'm older, I don't really experience limerence as much as I did as a teenager, if at all.

Thanks to this video I am just realizing some of the reasons why am attracted to older men it's cause the provide something I like within myself financial stability and being assertive things I need to work on.its okay to be attracted to older men but it has to come from a healthy place

That's why I fell so strong for one guy! The moment I saw him I was like wow... That's so what they say love at first sight . Long story short, after 3 month, turned out he was just played me. I cried for another 3 months. Non stop. I could not sleep eat, work etc.... I doubt that I ever will create normal relationships in my life

You are an angel.

100% me. Every single bit that you just said.

I love your videos! Great content! I am very cautious when it comes to dating..too cautious...it feels soo risky to me! I always want to make sure I am doing the "right" thing. I am Fearful Avoidant. I long to be in a relationship but I am terrified too! It feels "safer" to avoid the risk but then I feel alone and isolated. I want to be in a healthy, thriving relationship but it feels "impossible" for me. I want to break that cycle. Can you provide videos that talk about how an FA can successfully approach dating and what a healthy relationship looks like in the dating process? I have a hard time even getting into a relationship so need some advice how to prepare for that so it doesn't feel so "risky" for me. Your videos have really opened my eyes to why I struggle in this area!

I clicked so fast on this video when I read the title lol.

I had limerence over a guy that had the aloofness, narcissism and coldness of my father ( thank heavens it's over, the guy is truly a jerk) and over a doctor that had the career succes I never had but was gentle and sweet (I'm still working on that one).

Can you do a video on Limerence difference to Love ?

Holy shit my mind is blown i never knew this

Please make a PDS course on this please 🙏

Can you make a video on how to grow in a relationship, when I say relationship I mean any relationship ~ friend, co worker, spouse, parent. I come frm a very disturbing quarantined for 2 decades kind of family. It will be of great help.

This was such a beautiful video Thais. I am naturally a very artsy and creative individual but my parents removed me from an Arts school to make me focus more on Academics (maths, science) It repressed my art qualities as I associate them with not being good enough but I seem to be very drawn to artistic individuals.💀

4) all of the above

Where can I find deeper content on how to treat limerence in PDS? I need this, I’m always in limerence.

13:33 a beautiful summary

could you go over why its uncommon for two ppl of the same attachment style to be tgr?

This is crazy. This describes why, for 2-3 months, I was infatuated with a very spritiual, emotional, anxious person that identifies more feminine. It totally makes sense, because those are traits and personality characteristics that ive always struggled accepting-vulnerability, valuing the feminine, being trusting-and after about a few months of me realizing that I still very much love and care about the life with my current boyfriend, I totally dropped the other person. And they have history with people doing that. I feel like an asshole, but it explains a lot. Also I am sure they are anxious attachment, so I do think they keep choosing people like me and other emotionally unavailable people.

❤️

I can see how you can deal with the first 2 issues, but if you're attracted to someone like your parents because it's comfortable, what is your suggestion?

So how do you get your sexual and physical needs met by yourself?! It’s just not happening unless you’re with another person

Does this mean though that when we meet these needs ourselves that we should not seek people who have these traits at all? I am not talking when we are in a relationship but when we are single and we are attracted to certain traits.

This is what happen to me. I was married to a narcisist which at the moment i didnt know he was. And for the last year he was denying me sex for a long time. So i started becoming like very thirsty and desperate. But i coulnt look for my partner so i started becoming attracted to a person i considered very hot physically. And that got out of control i was having sexual fantasies about this person. Then i divorce and i still have this desire for this person i find hot. But i felt i was wrong and found and excuse to leave the place. Can this happen again? I think so. If im with a parner that neglects me sexually i think i would get tempted to like someone else.

Traits and unmeet needs

So once we realize this do we move foward in a relationship with this person or is it better to cut all ties all together.

What if your need to be met is physical touch? Like cuddling, hugs, massages to calm your body down? How can you give that to yourself?

I have experienced intense limerence, not to the point of stalking or anything but yeah

What if I'm more attracted to people that seem like they *do* have traits I have, maybe differently but totally have them? Example: I have a hard time having any sort of relationship with people that don't like to think (on purpose) or people that don't like to make things or fix things or something. Note: I dislike the term "sapiosexual", that's really not it.

How about when your partner is in limerence and need help but is dismissive about it? Can we help when they are unwilling to work on himself?

13:00 15:08

Start 3:46 16:45 unmet needs that attract me to this person

With knowledge comes clarity that I stand almost no chance of having a successful relationship after my very painful and messy divorce. So...thanks?

Oh no, what if your spouse isn't even close to meeting your deep emotional or physical needs and then someone else does? There's only so much one can ask of their spouse, especially with small children.

i don't know if that's a good thing but i don't trust attraction especially the strong one that feels overwhelming i immediately leave when i feel like my life would be ruined if this person rejected me when i start to have the thought of maybe i can't live without them! i just push them out and proof to myself that i can! There's always always a dark reason to why we feel helpless towards someone and why they are important to us to the point where we throw ourselves out of a cliff for them that kind of love is just too much for me i don't like it...i would prefer staying with a nice person that i'm not attracted to...i kind of believe the ones i'm not attracted to are always the best for me.. Cuz let's be real most of us are intensely attracted to narcissists and emotionally unavailable partners.. be cautious when it comes to this guys, hope you all know that love... real love isn't supposed to be intense and painful 🙃💓💓

Thats horrible for ppl who are not blessed in the looks department...they will pine for ppl who are blessed genetically, sonething whichbis lacking in them.....and the hot person might never reciprocrate and one can do only so much abt looks.....

what if it is love at first sight and u know nothing about him ?

I seriously dont know who i am anymore.

Sometimes I can't get what you really meant. Please slow down. I am also suffering from fearful avoidant attachment style and it really kills me

I'd love to hear you speak about open or polyamorous relationships.

what if u feel connected to him because he has the personality traits of your deceased father ?

Hi, Thais I would have really loved to hear the collaboration with Teal Swan on what your emotions are telling you, what happened? Will you be working together in the future?

So the avoiding is more likely to cheat?

i like your content, but whenever i watch you i immediately skip the first 3.5 minutes. no complaint but maybe an idea to shorten your intros to under a minute.

I fall for very atractive man, but i think i am very ugly

I feel so empty and used when I have had sex with someone that I didn’t allow to get close. But it protects me from the pain of losing someone since my heart is never committed. I think this is the best thing to do since most relationships like marriage end in divorce anyways. It’s better to not be taken hook line and sinker. It keeps me able to rebound and be strong and independent. In the end, we only have ourselves to look after since that is the way we came into the world and that is the way we will leave this world. I don’t want to lose myself to someone else that could easily just throw it all away. I see it happen every day to other people and it is basically the cycle of relationships. They all have a expiration date.

So brass tacks. How many FA's are cheating?

Very interesting but unfortunately frustrating as you speak far too fast to be followed correctly and you do not clearly end your words. Sounds like you are in a hurry to catch your train.

mathematically correct as always..