Foster parent house tour with new foster child who may feel scared or sad 

A kid at my school lost her mom and she was a kindergartner. 😭 At the funeral she was hugging a squishmallow.

@@nolaaaaaaaaaa Oh, how incredibly sad 😢

Very well said. Fellow foster child

@@mollybrown3483 💞

I feel so much love for you! 🥰 It cannot have been easy, but you talk about it with such tenderness and gratitude. I'm considering becoming a foster mom ♡

I hope every day is a good one for you now.

@@kathyjohnson2043 Like the rest of the World, live a normal up and down life. I did become a Foster Parent years ago. For medical reasons now,. I'm unable yet have the biggest gratitude to those that do become Foster Parents. If anyone is reading this and you know you are unable to Foster a child but would like to help. Throughout the year and especially before the new school year, offer gift cards and presents to the Social Workers to use for the Foster Children. Going back to school with no new clothes and not many clothes was upsetting for me. Lucky for me I'm a chatter person and never followed by the Caste System in America. I went and sat with the "popular" kids the first day, told them who I was and where I lived. Told them I wasn't moving but they could. They stayed and became wonderful friends. We went from a small circular table to a longer table, then just more and more tables. I don't believe in the exclusion of anyone. No one is better than another. People may be richer, smarter, more athletic, but that is what they do, not who they are. Everyone arrived the same and we are leaving the same. Thanks again to all who Foster, the Social Workers, and everyone else that supports them. 💞

It’s your inner child! Your inner child is still there, still anxious about unpredictable and angry parental figures and still hurting. If you feel these videos help soothe your inner child, definitely continue to watch them. ❤️

Same! I’m 42 years old and somehow these videos help me.

I really hope you’re in a safe place now. I’m sending you lots of love 🖤

This this this this omg im crying 🥺🥺🥺

I’m about to be 40 and I’m here for the same reason. It helps ease old wounds

Thank you for sharing about that aspect. It's important for adults to hear how a child may receive or perceive their decision to skirt the difficult topic. It might seem easier to them, and they might even think they are being kind, so it's incredibly beneficial for people to get the perspective you're offering as to how they might unintentionally be adding to the difficulty for the child. I hope that at some point since your childhood experience, there has been some opportunity to process it with at least one member of your family of origin, and if not, that the necessary feeling of safety will develop so that you can talk about it at least a little bit with them. I find myself wondering if they think about it simply in terms of, "It was so short, surely ____ barely remembers it and there's no point in bringing that up." Whenever my mother and I would wrap up one of our CASA cases, particularly in reunification situations, we always assured the family that we were eager for any updates they cared to offer, but that we would understand if they opted not to do so as they moved forward in their family journey. I definitely wish the two reunified families had opted to keep in touch, as I think about those sweet little kiddos on a regular basis, but it feels as if reaching out to inquire would undermine the message about the family being free to move on if they chose. If I think that regularly about children I only saw once a month for less than a year, I have to believe it's likely all the members of your situation think back on that time as well. Best wishes in your personal journey.

I work with adults who are experiencing homelessness & one young man told me that he sleeps in the washroom stalls because that was the only safe place in his foster home. That means when we go by knocking on the stall doors asking if they’re ok or telling them to get out because they’ve been in too long we’re re-traumatizing them. Unfortunately he can’t have a nap in a stall because other men need to use it.

@@Elizabeth-rq1vioh man that hits close to home… when i was little i always considered the bathroom the safest room in the house bc the door had a lock, and while there were other rooms with locks ofc you can only stay in them for so long before you need to use the washroom or need water or something-if i was already in the bathroom, i wouldn’t have to leave until i felt safe ofc that means that people knocking on the door/trying to get in can be upsetting-once as a teenager i was watching a movie where a kid locked herself in the bathroom while her abusive father tried to break down the door and i was NOT expecting to start crying in the theatre, but i couldn’t help it :/

I was SAed in a bathroom (by a cis female btw, so that trans bathroom panic stuff feels really invalidating) so anyone knocking on the door or trying to get in when I'm in the bathroom triggers me.

Glad you have learned how to be kind to yourself retroactively 🫂

I hope you found her video on safe ways to express anger! But I also want to emphasize, I don't think it's possible for a child in a new placement to not feel scared. They might seem really angry, they probably are super angry, but I bet they're scared too. I've never been in foster care, but I know sometimes I would say things in a super angry and intimidating tone that were actually pretty sad. Someone who didn't get angry or scared away, but was able to reply compassionately, would make the anger melt in a second. I know it won't be that simple with children in foster care, they've gone through things I can't imagine, but I just want to emphasize, even if they seem angry, they still need a lot of gentleness, because they're scared too.

@@ILuvAyeAye It depends on the age of the child. I’m thinking of a middle and high school friend who was in care with a sibling from age six to age-out. By that age, each new placement was an eye-roll and wondering what the food would be like. She was definitely not scared, and would have told if she was. (Not sure why you’re directing me to videos about expressing anger?)

​@@aroundtheworldin80coffees79there's a great RU-vidr who just fosters teens. I think she is FosterTheTeens. She has great tips. She works with having a lot of respect towards their autonomy and she provides a welcome basket with basic (and fun) hygene products and snacks they might need.

@@aroundtheworldin80coffees79 I suspect she was still scared, even if she'd buried it to the point where she wasn't even aware of it.

​@@aroundtheworldin80coffees79I'm not the person you're asking, but I think the video about anger may have been referenced because you mentioned the possibility the foster child is "exasperated," which for most people is a variation on the theme of anger, albeit a milder version more akin to frustration or irritation.

❤

Thank you for sharing this perspective. I'll keep it in mind if I have any of my neurodivergent friends visit.

I'm autistic and I love squishmallows.

@@ginna1375 You're so sweet for taking this comment to heart! I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum and I would really appreciate if someone did this for me🥰

first time i met my friend (now roommate!) i was visiting her house as i was there with a mutual friend. she's on the spectrum and did this. we circled around the house through little "secret passages" or shared bathrooms, she opened up closets and cabinets. even told me about a secret space under the house only accessible through a hatch hiddent under her bedroom carpet. she had a suitcase absolutely filled with candy sent to her from japan and she let me get whatever interested me out of it. we all sat on her livingroom floor tasting different candy. it was the first time I'd really felt safe in any house including my own family home. whenever life has been difficult for me to handle she lets me stay until im ready to be on my own. just wanted to share my own experience, i found out later that i am on the spectrum too!

Same here. I wish people would be chiller

Yeah, I wish I’d have just been honest with cps when they came. Now that I know foster parents aren’t all abusive, I wish I had chosen to leave. I just turned 16 so I don’t even know if it’s worth it. My parents love my younger brother and they’re nice to him. I don’t know.

@@cthulhucult3230 maybe talk to someone? It can be hard to see abusive behavior in the family if you grew up with it. You seem to think there is definitely something wrong with your parents. Often our guts feeling are right.

@@cthulhucult3230 you have the right to be in a good place too, tell someone about your situation

Same❤ but yet again, it’s not our fault we didn’t speak up❤

I wish my parents hadn't been so good at manipulating and playing the perfect family, then maybe they would've realized what I told them was the truth and not mental illness.

I loved Mister Rodgers because in his "house" he was always calm and gentle.

If you have one, by all means do. And if you don't have one, maybe your inner child is suggesting you seek one out.

I am so very sorry that when you were taken from an abusive situation with your family, you were then put into an abusive situation with a foster family. I worked for awhile at a Christian children's home as a relief houseparent. It was a wonderful experience which taught me a lot about what many children go through & how to help. Again, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Prayers that your life is much better now.🙏❤

😢😢😢😢

Thank you for sharing about your experience💗Is there anything your aunt did that made it easier on you, and anything you wish she would have done at first that would have made it easier? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, it's totally up to you :)

I know what you mean. Then again, if being in foster care is new to a child, it may not yet feel like "their home" and they may be accustomed to asking permission to use the restroom when visiting someone. We can hope that for some children is it something as simple as that and merely confirms for them that the family hopes they will see the home as their own home, at least for the duration of their stay.

Isnt she awesome

Excellent point. So many kids coming into care have experienced food insecurity and related issues, so it could help a lot for them to know that them consuming the food will not create a hardship for the rest of the family.

I can't think what the titles are, but I know Laura definitely has some videos specifically contrasting how a first-time foster parent might approach mealtime and eating vs. how an experienced foster parent might go about it. I realize you probably won't get a chance to chat with that particular parent again, but you might watch them so that in a similar situation you have some ideas you could present in a context of, "Other foster parents have shared a similar concern about getting children interested in healthier food, and I'm so glad to know you care about what they're eating. I watched this really interesting video in which a foster parent showed how she models trying new foods while still recognizing that a child in trauma may want the comfort of familiar food. Would you like the link?"

Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective.

I had this same exact feeling. Too nice feels fake.

This feeling is common for autistic folk too, as we can be sensitive to hints of manipulation. I didn’t get that vibe from Laura personally, but I’d also love to be shown/told everything and then left alone :)

It's probably a little extra fake sounding in the video since she really is acting in this case, just to make a video. So right now it really _is_ fake. In real life she'd probably be watching the kid and seeing if they seem to be reacting positively to her words or tone of voice. That said, I think you make an interesting point and it's worth keeping in mind how different kids might experience it. Some kids would probably prefer things a bit more matter of fact and neutral, depending on the kid. Not just because of their experiences but also some kids are just more reserved or have different personalities.

I go with junbh2 there - it feels a bit overdone as she shows the maximum ideal case. In the beginning, though, she points out that one should mimick the kids‘ tone and emotion. Which means: „go with the kids, not against them. And if too much sweetness is not okay - tune yourself down somewhat“ My impression is that „Copy my approach no matter what, no matter which kid“ was not what she had in mind. 🙂

Another thing you can do in the meantime, if it's available in your area, is looking to becoming a volunteer CASA. Court Appointed Special Advocate programs train their volunteers so that they can be a point of connection and consistency for a child's experience in care, doing what they can to speak up for the child's needs and looking in on their situation regularly. My mother and I served as co-CASA's for three nearly four years - when our last case ended early in the pandemic, she was ready for a break before taking another case and a number of things that came up later in the year led to our still being on pause at the moment - and it let us be of assistance through monthly visits, communication with the foster family as well as CPS, and reports to the court. (A CASA generally is not permitted to communicate with the family of origin except through/with the parents' lawyers, unless or until the family is in the reunification process and the visits are occurring in that context.)

@@tejaswoman thanks for this info :)

Now you have reminded me that I would love to know where she got those.

If you don't think you are in a position to foster at your age or stage of life, two quick suggestions as food for thought: Laura has a video I recently watched that talks about different kinds of foster parenting, including respite care and emergency care. These are both super short-term options often used when a child is in an ongoing placement and the ongoing foster parents need someone to care for the child only for the weekend or some similar short period, or as an alternative to kids newly admitted to care sleeping in the CPS office while a placement is arranged. Another possibility would be looking into whether your local has the Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) program, in which volunteers are carefully trained to provide consistency and check-ins on a month-to-month basis for a child in care during the foster placement and possibly during reunification if that occurs. I got my elderly mother interested in it and she became a CASA at age 80. We were co-CASA's from 2017-2020, at which point she decided to take a break when our most recent case concluded.