Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships | Shasta Nelson | TEDxLaSierraUniversity 

Lucie Bourdouxhe Ty

Saved me during an online Final Exam. TY!

Thanks

Thank you

Thank you kind sir.

which includes exclusion and intolerance.

Facts

Society encourages isolation. Suffer more from hate than illness during the pandemic.

Then compete together

There are still people in society like Tony Robbins that will encourage good friendships. Try to surround yourself with the right content. You can have a healthy relationship with social media !

thats a part of consistency and vulnerability :~)

So true😉

Awesome. John 15:12

Well said

Thanku

Good for you, Julie!

I can't believe that a group would ring you up regularly for advice and then exclude you from holidays. They were certainly not good friends!

Loneliness is a mental state, you can do all the stuff this woman said but there's no guarantee that youre gonna get the same effort back , you can be alone and not lonely i dont agree with this woman

@LoganRusso Thank you! Boundaries are important.

@@kelly2fly Thank you!

Hi I know this comment is a year old. But I was also wondering about this, I remember watching a series about police detectives and I remember one character saying something that stuck with me: "bonds are forged under fire, you know that". It just stuck with me, and I kept seeing it in the world around me, even in the news. Ever heard of the man and woman who met and were stuck on a cruise ship and then decided to get married? So I wonder how "trauma bonding" as you worded it, fits into this triangle.

I red it as shkasta

Elumio Merk i think it all depends on how u carry the conversations between each other when talking during/about traumatic events. Positivity is especially precious during bad times, so a strong connection can grow from that, especially if the two of u are supporting each other and helping each other grow from such a traumatic event. However, if ur only discussing the negatives of a situation and not helping each other genuinely grow from it by thinking positively, which i think the original comment was talking about, ur not meeting that five to one positivity/negativity ratio, ur just keeping them bogged down. Thats what i think at least

I know this is old, but I'd say it's possible to bond over trauma and be positive. I think it's more about how you feel after bonding over trauma with a person. If you feel comforted or understood or seen and in a good mood I'd say that was a positive interaction. If after talking you feel bad I'd say that's when it's a problem

@@evorynightyshade7688 Good take on it dude. Thanks.

Well said, beautiful soul! ..."It's all about values and beliefs and I value a great friendship. I understsnd life happens. But no one is too busy to not make time for you. And we were blessed with mouths to speak and ears to hear. Fingers weren't meant to text and eyes are becoming the empty souls of relationships. I totally agree about the texting bit. Most people avoid intimacy by texting instead of calling. Sad times. And you're right...NO ONE is TOO busy for the things and people that matter to them. I wish for you another very wonderful, soulful, loving friend with whom to share your time/love/presence/life. I send you MUCH Love straight from my heart to yours, my kindred spirit! ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister died in 2015 from cancer, and it was like losing one of my best friends, and more because of all of the shared memories. Its so, so hard. I hope you find wonderful people to fill your life.

@@lemostjoyousrenegade thank you so much. Kindest words I've heard in a long time🙏

@@Lannec10 I'm so sorry for your loss. Time heals and we have so many beautiful memories to hold on to. Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you find wonderful people in your life as well. We need to keep creating those beautiful moments to hold on to.

@@HD-mg9ru Your welcome, Love. I understand...I hope you hear many more sincere, kind and loving words more frequently and soon. 🤗 XOX!

omg yes ppl who exploit your time and willingness to listen without showing any interest in how you are and what is happening on your end... it makes you feel so invisible and used. I am there right now and it hurts so bad and i have epressed how I feel many times... they have apologized and said they will try and do better but not a real improvement honestly...

Next time they call, do the exact thing they did to u. Dont hold on to these kind of people. Let them go forever

Emotional vampires

OMG!! Im so glad to hear u say this!!!! I noticed that too. A few wld call me & talk abt their issues with the same things over & over. I got where I wld say can u listen to me for 5 minutes I listen to u. I had had enough!! When I wld mention my issues they wanted to hang up. So I said how selfish. I did it for a long time. Im a good listner I told myself. I got nothing out of the relationship. I was angry. Then when I had enough I had to go esp aftr I brought it to their attention. So I said they dont care abt whats going in my life, so why shd I care abt their problems. So I dumped them!! Friends I give to, now, if they don't give back I let them go. You shd support me too. I did all this for myself...take take take.....2020 was liberating. I wasnt happy with them anyway. Im being a friend, but they arent. I told myself I dont need this. BYE No more selfish ppl in my life. Yes, and Im lonely. I want to be loved & heard too. Why ppl are this way is baffling. The nerve of them. They are users & selfish ......thats all. You hv to care abt you.

Same here ..the moment I answered my calls less and less and even stated that I want to share things with people and that people don't listen and he went back to him and his issues i just distanced myself and then later I answered and yup all he did was rant about his issues at work and his wife .I have offered him and questioned and offered suggestions and he just says I tried that .

Love this, so important! Thanks for sharing :)

Yes in the exact same boat just trying “undo” damage now..

I have a tendency to go this way. I have to stop it.

Yes in this situation right now with a friend shes really busy ......cant pick up the phone and doesn't text to arrange a call by very hurtful

My absolute best friend of 4 years has stopped talking to me. She only texts me to tell me that shes busy and will call later. She never does. She never gave any explanation as to why she didnt talk to me for 2 months straight. It's not the first time this has happened, and this is the longest period of time I've gone without talking to her since we've been friends.

YES

To me the consistency/ commitment has to be shared l find l am the one to initiate doing things. When l dont receive itbin return l lose faith

Exactly! Nobody has time for anyone. How do you show positivity or vulnerability when you can't see or speak to the person?

Girl, you probably felt scared because these days if you're too vulnerable with friends you know they will eventually start talking about you! You know you unfortunately can't trust anyone as much as you want to.

That's what happened with me and my best friend but there's always something else in that fear as well. The fear got to me.

But what made you feel unconfortable at some point? I mean: what happened? What changed your friendship?

Yeah I agree. I thought that's what friendships should be based on

@@WolfArtizan that's exactly how two people should act towards each other to have the healthiest and worthiest friendship possible

Exactly. Reciprocity is so important. I genuinely give up on friendships to be honest. I’ve tried

Definitely. I understand this. :(

It's more about the other person than you ;c

Be cautious from somebody who has been there, he might have fuckzoned you. If he asks you out and you say no and he suddenly doesnt want to be friends anymore, dont say you havent been warned.

Yes, be cautious...but on the flip side, don't be overly suspicious. Believe it or not, there are guys in existence who will be a friend to a girl without expecting anything else out of it. I’m blessed enough to have a male friend a lot like yours, and I know for a fact I am not (and have never been) on his lust radar (our level of vulnerability is such that we talked about this early on). Which makes the amount of effort he’s put into being a great friend just astounding. Be prudent and don't ignore red flags, but it is quite possible you’ve found a true friend.

Ive never even had fake friends..

I disliked your comment because you said the F word.

Even if I’m old, I don’t like people who swear in public or anonymously. Why? For the love of God.

Relationships are not always fun. They are just real. Maybe you hit a real type situation.

I just did the very same thing. I was always there to listen to her unloading her heavy stuff but whenever I suggested we do something fun and healthy was always ignored. I feel so much better now.

Some bond out of trauma pain or drama and want a therapy more than a friend - there has to be highs to this bond not downs Also respect of what is being given back to you not only taking Reflect and see how your dynamics go. Never be in a segment or phase where you always give give give and no space to share.. notice what happens if you share, what energy comes back your way? Empathy or always brushing your things away and change topic back to her If that happens then it is a taker dynamic a friend has to have that feeling of being there for you as well under the capacity that you feel you can endure or open to receive Wish you all the best 🙏🏻

Ive struggled with that too.

Same issue 😪 so yep going back to school to earn $100/hr😀👍

Friends need to earn your trust and openness. Being emotionally vulnerable to an untested friend is like giving out the pin code to your bank card at a party, and thinking no one is going to steal your wallet

Yup, and NPD's can hide their traits for years before taking advantage of you.

There isn’t positivity there then .

Psychopaths are just 1% of the population, it is highly unlikely you would ever encounter one, you're just being paranoid

Grace I know, but when we do that we miss out on a lot of real feelings and opportunity to heal. I'm working on being vulnerable again, this time with newly discovered personal boundaries to keep me safe.

This happened to me for the third year in a row for my birthday, last week. I finally started telling my friends it really hurt my feelings and I don't feel much better about it. But I am doing the triangle, vulnerability!! Anyway, I wish I could throw you a birthday party! With your favorite cake, flowers, streamers, your favorite playlist and everything you could DREAM of!💜

So sorry you didn’t deserve that.....I’ve meet so many people who are so selfish it’s like every 2nd person it’s rife....I just got rid of a 22 year friendship with a narc I was done......I finally found my worth and she didn’t like it......she was trying to destroy me....but I got rid of her on my terms finally

This has happened to me while growing up . I’m always there to listen , always willing to understand . Always lending an ear . No one has yet to return the favor .

They are fake friends and don't deserve your friendship. They may not care about you.

I always end up with friends like these but these are the only friends I have so I end up alone :/

Ikr.. I'm in university and my closest friend had to shift colleges due to some legal problems with counselling. Its been a month and I feel so lonely. I never thought I would reach this point in life but I don't have anyone I can talk to. I know I have my parents and they love me unconditionally but they are not here with me. I don't know what to do. I tried making new friends but everyone is already in groups; they know each other and nobody wants to add someone like me in their group and share stuff. Even though people think I am sweet and say hello to me but that's it. And that's not what I want. There are a few girls who let me sit with them out of pity but I can't connect with them. They do stuff that I don't do. They listen to songs that I don't listen. And they talk secretly about some things which is really awkward. I can't even ask them what it is. I just feel very lonely all day, everyday and I have started thinking about the purpose of life and stuff... Its getting really bad . I wasn't like this. I don't know how to explain. I just wish my best friend could be here. Everything would have been perfect.

​@@bhavyabajaj34 - Replying because you sound sad; I hope your situation has improved since you posted. You say your 'closest friend' left, suggesting that perhaps you had other friends? Could you grow closer to these other friends? If not, ask yourself if, when you were with your special friend you ever invited other people into your friendship, people like yourself now who were seeking connection. When we are content in our friendship circle we may not see that other people are on the outside looking in. So these other girls may not realise you are lonely. Perhaps see if you can get some support such as counselling and join some groups in your university to not only increase the possibility of new friendships but to get some pleasure out of life. And keep in touch with your old friends and your parents by phone to reassure yourself you are loved. Good luck.

Yeah. It’s so much easier as a kid. You ask them to be friends and it’s most likely a yes and off you go... It seems meeting people over 30 and no one wants to put in any effort, at all. Zero. You reach out, but not too much as you don’t want to come across as trying too hard or trying to little either. It happens so often and it’s getting frustrating. I’m becoming that person that doesn’t want to put effort either now because I’m too tired and seems like a vicious cycle we get in to (for all of us)

Did you share it then LightOn Stillwaters? I thought it was great too:-)

!point Good

I’m done for

honestly yes...

Especially now; 2020 Pandemic

I’ve found there’s no one left

you just gotta trust that the genuine energy you’re putting out will bring you those people who desire healthy friendships too. I’m personally in this situation right now but not worried hehe, it can be difficult but filling your own cup first is also key

There usually isn’t anyone left after, but you know what? I met better quality people when I was alone and happy being that way

Be your own best friend first!

👍

Well me too. I have 2 "close" friends and some acquaintances from uni whom I won't call my friends. Last year when I came out and was in a real deep mess my close friends didn't really support me and I felt worse.... and now I feel like I've outgrown them but I don't want to be completely alone, you feel me? Anyways, sorry to hear your story

this is happening to me again now too.

i fixed my relationship with my girl i posted abt a month ago. she ismy bestfriend, and maybe hopefully wife one day w/ help from shasta, and other ppl. dont let despair ruin a friendship if it doesnt have to. gather yout thoughts. i had to purge my emotional energy before communicating, but you MUST talk to them if you live them. if they love you, they will listen. and if they hear you, and you dont play blame or victim games mutually, sometimes these "fights" can be like thunderstorms following a drought. my relationship with my girl isnt perfect but its healthy, and becoming more so. my anxiety abt things, and my overall trust in her has skyrocketed just from experiencing a healthy resolution to our problem. please give shasta some love. she deserves it.

me too.. it happens every time, every another year in school. i had 2 back from my junior days, then another 2 people from my senior days. they all left me.

lol jk no i didnt. i was right in the beginning abt this girl. but shasta still gave me tools to help try. and thats a lot.

you and me my friend, certain friendships I feel seen and heard but certain ones no. I actually get very emotional when someone encourages me to share more bc at the root of me I do not feel worthy of feeling seen and heard bc that is what happened growing up so I get teary eyed that someone actaully wants to hear what I have to say.

@@jaclynh9343 ah, i relate to this alot. i'm curious, are you more of an introvert or extrovert? Personally, i'm introverted with a slight social anxiety but i also know some extroverts have lots of energy in social interactions and still feel unseen.

Yup same that’s why those friendships never last

We all feel this

Was wondering the same. Since the comment has' been a while, did you find the answer? What do you do when you've been positive and supportive, but don't receive the same consideration? What do you do when the other party doesn't respect you? And think only in terms of their benefit?

Focus on fi ding new friends. You've outgrown them.

Demote the relationship to find people who meet your needs better. You don’t necessarily have to end the relationship

I think this is something you remind the other person. Talk to them about it in the beginning of your friendships and you bring it up when you feel a lull in the friendship

I think it helps if you ask before sharing heavy subjects. And maybe only update them on it every few weeks or so. Talking about serious stuff will make a healthy friendship closer. Also, discuss this question with them perhaps?

Technology doesn't matter. People make themselves busy even if they have free time, they then make themselves busy. Its just fashionable to say you're busy. Its the same argument people have always made, but in bus stops when people use to get together and didn't have a walkman/cd player they mostly ignored each other and buried their heads in the newspaper.

Haha, the bus stop newspaper read is classic business. It makes me think that Bus Stop by The Hollies is more a testament to looking up and paying attention to the stirrings of love in your soul than just a simple love song.

I've found that there are a lot of good groups on Facebook for abuse survivors. You can make a post, introduce yourself, and then vent if that helps you.

Sounds like whoever was supposed to be moderating that group therapy session failed their job. Hope you provided feedback so that moderator received the training they needed to prevent it from happening again...especially with such a vulnerable population.

@@veronicalagor4771 unfortunately I didn’t have the strength at the time; it had been beaten into my brain that I was “to always come second,” so therefore I didn’t even realize it was unfair to me. I thought it was “just the way things go sometimes”

I'm so sorry! Are you in MA? Maybe we can be friends lol. I'm going through the same thing now, just got engaged and no real friends that actually care. I never wanted to be that girl who's main relationship was their partner but his love made me realize just how toxic and entitled my "friends" were.

Sad but true.

You are so right

And sadly it’s SO Single White Female that it’s scary to break away from!

This is so true . It’s so sad . I’ve lost so many friends and it wasn’t due to jealousy but just nastiness . Competitiveness and wanting to succeed over me. I haven’t been perfect either. But there is so much negativity amongst women . I hope this changes

They were never really friends to begin with.

I hope you've found that friend and I hope they're absolutely awesome to you!!!

Come to Brisbane! 😀

@@meechiemishae4642 thank you for saying that. unfortunately i have not . i just lost my best friend, my dear husband of 24 years and am newly single and now really need to find true friends in my area. maybe its the area as i have met many lovely ladies who say they will call and dont. i am a very friendly and positive and loving person. i pray this is my year to make good friends i can actually connect with in person here

I've had the same. Just because you know them for so long, doesn't mean you need to keep them if they aren't supporting your journey.

I have friends...but it's more like we have a good time...and I guess I could vent to them but I don't ever really feel like I have a true friend. I also don't ask for help...I never ask for help...so maybe it's me.

Thank you so much! I thought I was the only one that happened to. I had somebody I thought was a close friend who did that to me when I was in a big crisis, crying, not wanting to keep on in my life kind of stuff. I just needed someone to care and sit with me while I was trying to make it through. That former friend did, word for word, exactly what you mentioned.

We’re talking about people who think it’s ok to treat people who are supposedly your good friends like 💩 because it’s inconvenient for them to be a decent human being and think saying they are an introvert excuses their a-hole treatment of others.

Some people are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, and even their own. They don't know how to cope themselves, let alone comfort someone else. Often it's due to ignorance, lack of practice, but also sometimes mental deficiencies. I have relatives in the latter camp with varying levels of empathy limitations. When you come across someone who does not love you as you would like them to, you can either give them the chance to do so next time by telling them what you need or choose not to rely on them for this type of care, but do understand that we all come with context.

thats not how introversion works. if they ignore you they dont care about you. introversion or extroversion got nothing to do with it.

Kartos THIS! I noticed that the “friends” I had that did this were deathly afraid of intimacy and just didn’t want to admit it.

@DarthYuYevon - Since you have posted this comment twice, it sounds like this was the wrong TED talk for you. Which begs the question: why did you watch it? A spouse can for sure be a friend but this talk is about a different type of friendship.

Good plans. Hope you really did it. So how it started to work for you?

Love this comment! I feel the exact same. I always thought for girls or guys that they should not just limit themselves to a loving partner but to try to expand on their social lives. Friendships makes for interesting experiences with a variety of interests, opportunities, and personalities that can add dimension to a person. I don’t think anyone should lack seeking those true friendships built on sustainable foundations just once they feel complete with just a partner. It’s a lot more fulfilling to add onto your social network, I’ve seen it from those who are in happy healthy relationships.

Ca Bo consistency builds vulnerability which builds trust

Is trust a problem for you because you're afraid of getting hurt or taken advantage of? You need to do the courageous thing and put yourself out there: apply the "go first" principle. Share stories of times where you were vulnerable or where you relate to the other person. Also, don't judge or try to fix or give people instructions. Just listen and relate.

Yuojiz

That's convered under positivity, or both people being seen. But it's definitely v important.

@@Sarah-by3fb I think this is importan in all relationships, and in important question to ask each other. We often feel the disparity when its imbalanced.

@@matdavy7933 yea.without reciprocity...it wldnt actually matter if you practice the 3 factors of frientimacy..why? Others have to want to b frndz wt you just as much as u want to b frndz wt thm.

your comment did strike a cord with me but i took a second and thoguht that reciprocity is kinda under consistency - which is scheduling to see eachother consistently

@@PrincessSakuno u may have a piont there though. Thnks

nice, there's still hope then.

This !

Yes! and pay attention to those, who only see positivity as a trait which they pushup their selves on. Cause if one cant see or try to find, any at all positive trait in one another, its no friendship, if the "friend" only points out your flaws, and never see any of them in themselves. So positivity is a doubledged sword, which can be used to put others or self on a piedestal, or put them down totally, with being too negative, or something else "you" dont like. Honesty, being honest and real? Whats that worth in a social context, where everyone has to be only: Successfully Manipulatively Shining and Happy? People always have good and bad times/traits in their lives. If that understanding is lacking, we cant be just smiling, when we go through hard times, and always be just; Positive. Sometimes its like people cant stand, watching truthfully on themselves, or others, and trained only to smile or die. Cause thats what so many being bought in to: Power Money Status and Successful Shiny Lives. If you cant show up with that, you are negative. Such a shallow view on Life! Good video otherwhise. Search for strengthening the Good traits in people together, and strengthen bonds with those who care and carry consistancy, enough for good and bad times, for both negative, and positive times/traits, and accept both those traits in you. Cause we all have both. Trust do not just fly in, its working together honestly enough on all levels of Being Humanely human.

Not true, you should listen again to what she said

I don’t think positivity means that you’re always up. It’s not a Pollyanna sort of thing. I think what it means is that your friend holds a general faith in you and the trajectory of your life even when things seem bleak. It also means that they want the best for you no matter how it would affect them. That’s what love is

a friend told me that im her "self growth accountability friend".... and that there are different kinds of friends - one you drag around to do errands, one you spend the night life, your school buddy, your gym buddy, game buddy, etc.. - while i agree to that ((although i dont have her categories)), i don't feel the same energy and support im giving her. it's always about her problems... but when i try to bring up mine, she would just react it with a heart emoji or say a phrase that makes me feel i cant expound what i want to say. it's just so lonely that they keep on sharing their vulnerability while they don't allow you to shard yours. i stopped bothering to open up but i still listen to her problems.

Great advice !!

This comment is just what is on my mind.🤝