Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries 

You don;t feel you have problem to people bullying you and encrouching in your lives that won't take a hint and push on????

@@lisaweaver986 I don't think she was referring to people bullying you or encroaching on your life. Bullying is not exactly an uncomfortable emotion in others you are dealing with. I don't think anyone has every felt guilty in getting rid of a bully or cared about the bully's emotions.

Love that

I needed to hear this, your comment made a difference in my day today. Thank you.

Beautifully articulated, Ellie.

Good point :)

YES!!!

Yes boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. If someone can't respect boundaries cut ties with them. Makes life a lot easier.

Thank you for posting that!

@@dottyp137 Indeed . Staying within social boundaries is a form of self control . And you can't like yourself if stay in control of yourself .

It might mean that they are not used to hearing no because they are used to hearing yes

Thanks, for sharing this. I share this clients that I work with. :)

This perspective is so true.

/Key word here is HEALTHY, lots of people want a relationship with you that do NOT care about your well-being

thank you so much for stating this so clearly! I was recently re-triggered by a friendship in which I always felt 'imposed upon', and continually hurt by her lack of consideration for and attention to my needs, when I was giving so much of myself to meet hers. she would always ask the question "are you willing?" as though it absolved her of any responsibility to take care of my needs in the exchange, because if I said I was willing, then clearly I was taking responsibility for myself. now I see this carefully worded question as a way of subtly imposing upon me with a question that was almost impossible to say 'no' to, because in doing so I would be saying: "no I'm not willing to help you in your situation where you feel desperate". so in a way, I think it was a manipulation of the 'language of accountability' that she 'preached', to justify her way of getting her needs met. In response to your words above, I really wonder if she cared about 'imposing on me, hurting me, or making me uncomfortable', or only about getting her own needs met. I feel so sad and conflicted about this still.

and unfortunately there are very very few people like that. I'm very grateful to people like that as that requires very deeper level of maturity, love and most importantly respect.

Absolutely!

Thank you!!!

With RU-vid you can speed it up or slow it down. Love that feature.

Absolutely agree! I read recently that the quicker someone speaks, even if they're wrong, the more intelligent they appear to be. What a messed up society!

@Caring Soul When you're considerate and aware of others, you can fall into the trap of projecting your personality onto others. I'm realizing (maybe late in life?) that not everyone is like ME and I need to be proactive about setting and protecting my own boundaries. And - Most importantly, stop caring what those people think! :-)

It may be that when one talks faster, they are percieved as more intelligent, but... slower speakers are listened to better. They are captivating.

I have ADHD and this is torturous for me. I had to speed it up x1.5 just to be able to process it. It’s great that youtube has this feature

Wisconsin Farmer very well put! Spot on! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Wow, that was spot on.

U may well understand them but trying to set them when people walk all over them leaves u feeling even worse as though you have no rights to any, so you don't get practised in using them in the way others do. Recipe for disaster and more of the same

@@The_Green_Queen I have always said that I set boundaries in a healthy way and yet my narcissistic mother ran over them with a hummer.

Interesting, and so true!

That's funny. I didn't realize that. Thanks for your note.

Umm really? ;)

I would say perceptive. not random!

missmerbella yes! 👏 its amazing

And her voice is so soothing!

Yes!

It does feel really good to say “I don’t care”and mean it.

@@estanford826 yeah, my mom would always tellme I'm selfish when I try to set boundaries and not want to hear about other ppls problems 247. Play on my feelings and manipulate me.

same here. we are learning..it is scary but we won't die.

Well said. Self respect.❤️

I was thinking it was intentional; that she was non-verbally re-enforcing her verbal message, in a way that some would perceive and others not, but would still be noticed.

She didn't sound like that was water she was chugging...

Self care is necessary.

Truth

Well said Tu. Very often people ask me to explain what self care is... it is an essential life skill.

very true Tu

If I might add - self-care begins from accepting the fact that _you are valuable_. Sometimes this goes directly against what we were taught as kids.

I think it should be taught in schools as a lot of homes are dysfunctional

Then this means I should probably leave my job! Drawing boundaries would rock my workplace. It would either change the business or get me fired! 😂

@@dropkickmurphy4114 🤣🤣🤣

it's never too late to love your self

Same here, and he yelled and cussed at me in response but I feel relieved

Your gratitude is so appreciated! Best, Sarri

And now I have tears...

Tq! I never thought from that point of view

You on point. I like it.

Hi Sachin, Thank you for your words. This means so much to hear how it has touched you. We can all use more slowing down. Glad you are listening to your compass. Stay in touch. I'd like to hear how this unfolds for you. Warmly, Sarri

Sarri Gilman, LMFT h

Yes I love the compass metaphor. . .its easy to grasp and it ties into how these people can throw you off course. ..without the compass! Thanks Sarri.

@@sarrigilmanlmft2191 : well done for being an authentic you and leading others to walk the same path... Gbu and love you... Wishing you all the very best in life in His grace and mercy 🙋💕🙌

Sachin: pray that things are going well for you ... Gbu and take care of yourself... 🙋💕🙌

Hi Sarah, I appreciate your courage to share your truth and the commitment to build your boundaries. Your story will inspire others. I am also still learning.

Sarah Kim same for me! I am a youngest and it's only when I give And become a yes girl that my family is happy with me. As soon as I have an opinion or want a life they try a draw me back in to what they consider my role is.

Totally relate Sarah....take care of you.

Sarah Kim I’m learning that in my fouties. Better late than never.

Kitty The Dancer That sounds like emotional abuse and enmeshment. I had a similar dynamic and it wasn’t until my therapist opened my eyes that I saw the truth about the ‘nice tight knit family’ facade. Basically just dysfunction in thin disguise.

yes, so well said! its so hard when I have 'stepped up' and demanded reciprocity, and the other person just 'dropped me'. its like the only way I could receive 'love' was to not have self-respect or consideration for my own wants and needs - so sad!

@@devidaughter7782 oh sorry take heart

Well said and explained. I too have had this too many times, with the same end point. It's a tough lesson, but a valuable one. Thank you for sharing.

@@kierstentaub6805 thank you for your kind words of understanding, which help me to accept and forgive myself, knowing I'm not alone in this painful pattern! :)

Yes, yes and yes

I am so glad you found your compass. Yes, we can lose our compass. Keep going with your self-care. You are worth it!

Me too

Yes we can use it for our entire life! Good for you for starting young!

💙💙💙💙

I hope it's been going well for you in your journey to self-peace and boundary setting

hi Smiley, thanks. Keeping it simple is always my goal- glad that came across. Thank you for you beautiful message. Touched.

Yes . She is a genuine psychotherapist .

But do u have family?

Felix Khale There is no such thing anymore as friends. You have people who use you to varying degrees and that’s it. Especially if money is involved. They use the friend moniker to get free work or discounts. I’m changing my phone number and wearing headphones when I show up at my apartment and run in and lock the door. People are helpless! This chick collared me Sunday on the way to the gym asking me to go pick up a king size bed for her. It was the 6th person that week that hit me up for something. Of course she didn’t have anyone to load it or set it up and it was across town. She offered me $10. I didn’t know if I was more offended of her hitting me up on Sunday or offering me a lousy $10 which wouldn’t pay for my gas. Of course I had a full day and it didnt get done. Typical day at my complex!

I'm just wondering if you re-read your comment or if you're hearing yourself...? because I'm just wondering how could no friends possibly be a good thing...? I understand how less drama could be a good thing but I don't think that that is what no friends equals...

Spirit Flower better be lonely and true to yourself, than a people pleaser to everyone who labels your as a friend. We are our own best friends.

I think thats not healthy. We need to learn to deal with people. Thats what makes us grow, thats what makes us learn how to set bounderies and develop ourselves.

I like the way you put those together.

I have always called it that! And waa my pet peive whwn others would say to "stop worrying" if they foundvout I was actively provlem solving 🙄. It IS problem solving if I am making progress !

so well spoken- thank you: "it's not up to me whether they are happy or not, it's up to me to stand where I stand"!

Suffering can be a blessing for growth... Even sunlight can burn and water can drown but plants can't grow without them. (Admittedly bad analogy)

I have a great "How to Say No" eCourse on my website if you know anyone who needs help with saying No. I get that question lots in my workshops....so put together a fast way to learn the steps to say no. Thanks for your note.

Lorettamarie G : Saying no, saying what they want, saying what they don't want, and setting boundaries. Ask me how I know. Codependent sister.

Sarri Gilman, LMFT : People need a course on how to say no? Wow.

Lorettamarie G Me. In recovery

It's quite easy to say "no". Just say, "If I were to say 'yes', then this negative thing could occur, so I hope u understand why I must say 'no' to ur request". ie. If I say "yes" to helping u move on Saturday, then I will be in too much pain on Sunday to go visit my nana... to play in my softball tournament... to take my grandkids to the park... so I hope you understand why I have to say "no" ie. If I say "yes" to loaning you this money, and something happens where you're unable to pay it back right away, then I won't be able to eat next week... to make my rent / mortgage payment... to buy workboots for my job... so I hope you understand why I have to say "no" If I said "yes", then this bad thing could occur, so I have to say "no". Easy peasy! 😉

Thank you Faith. Love those words...sobering reminder.

Not a chicken at all!! You set a great boundary!

Right! It takes courage to block somebody out. Good on you!!

Same! I come first..

I felt this deeply. I'm so glad you figured things out.

Thanks Preston. How true your words are. Self-care is forever and healing. Thanks. take good care.

You are worth it. thanks for the note.

Hi Phoenix, i too found that to be life changing. It is so helpful to care for your feelings but not let them make all the decisions. I look forward to hearing what you notice about that in time. Warmly, Sarri

Thank you! It can be so overwhelming and I am glad you found the pacing really worked. Take good care. Warmly, Sarri

NovaScotiaChick

NovaScotiaChick

Definitely! the happiness factor - love it!

Wow, that is quite a compliment. Thank you.

Аrееее уоu mаking thеsе mistаkеs with уyоur mаn? twitter.com/bb0c5602015789fe4/status/804693412402241537 Gооd bоооundаriеs frее уоu Sаrri Gilmаn ТЕDхххSnоIslеLibrаriеs

In my life right now, after walking through my family of origin stuff(haha) laundry list long. I am at the point of setting boundaries for self care. With mind you, people who are not going to listen to or follow the idea... but I’m getting good practice. Love the compass! Very to the point and if I hind sight 20/20 life? I always knew/know inside if it’s yes or no. I’ve ignored it and now with being in recovery-I realize that self care has to be number one in the most unselfish way possible because if I am feeling cloudy, unsure, irritable and angry? So not got for anyone around me. Thanks so much. I blathered on but- you got me thinking. Thank you.

@Deb Harris : well said ... Another thing I experienced as Asian is when this concept is introduced you may go too far too firm to harsh lack grace lack gentle progressive transitioning into healthy boundary ... Ie shock to the system ... Like unlocking freezonness it need to be thawed slowly rather than abruptly ... Food for thought ... I have yet to see this address in transitioning to a healthier boundaries

Oh these words have touched me. Thank you for being so generous! Sending you light and love.

hi Fushu, I am glad to hear it touched you.

I’m proud of you

Thank you for noting this. It just made me tear up again. That was a heartbreaking decision. I so appreciate you leaving this note. THANK YOU.

hi Huda, Slowing down is a GREAT way to help yourself. It is the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed. Our boundaries are pushed all the time and it takes focus and courage to just stand by what we need. Keep in touch I would like to follow your journey. I have a facebook author page, you can always reach me there. Warmly, Sarri

hi Huda, Slowing down is a GREAT way to help yourself. It is the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed. Our boundaries are pushed all the time and it takes focus and courage to just stand by what we need. Keep in touch I would like to follow your journey. I have a facebook author page, you can always reach me there. Warmly, Sarri

This is most of us. The only way to become a boundaries expert in your life is to keep practicing. I have a book that you may try. The exercises are designed to help you dig out your compass. Wishing you all the best.

Oh that is one of the hardest ones for me, saying Yes but then going back and having to say, "I'm sorry, this is a No for me". I used to not go back MintBlueJelly. I would go ahead and just do the thing I knew I should be doing. But I have made a commitment to myself to go back and do a do-over. It is great that you are catching it and hearing yourself.

Rhizomatec f

This has happened to me especially lately, and I’m tired of it.

Hi Carol, it is very courageous to stand with your truth. I have found that by holding myself accountable, I have found a greater sense of peace. Your boundaries are always with you. I love your sentence about "not listening to my heart". I think that is a good goal for 2017, for all of us. Listen with the heart. Best to you., Sarri

Same here! I’ve gotten misled into these situations that I said yes to but should have said no to.

Hi Holli, Wow! These words mean so much to me. Thank you!! Glad the work is helping.

hi Shelley, I am so touched by your words. Glad this was helpful. Sometimes we make things so complicated it is too hard too use. My goal is always to make boundaries easier to understand. Have a great day.

Thank you Emma, Your appreciation is heard! Thank you for the note.

Hi Eric, I'm glad to hear that it gave you a new perspective. I work on it ALL the time! warmly, Sarri

Just bought it based on this advice, thank you.

Finding it very difficult to read though, with all its religious references. Really should've been written from a secular perspective. For example: "The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself. He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes..." What? How do I interpret that if I don't believe in "god"...? Disappointed.

@@MichL_71 it may be helpful to interchange the word "god" with "higher power".. that may make it easier for you to reconcile the non-secular writing. To be clear, I've never read the book nor do I know anything about it but I learned this concept of expanding the definition of the word God at AA. The writings all make reference to God and quite often yet there are so many people who don't connect to that specific term so by changing the religious-specific word, they are able to still get the messages, which is ultimately the most important part!! Good luck! Keep at it!!

@@tiffanybruner6002 thanks Tiffany. 👍

MicHELLe Spike if it’s that hard to read God, just put your name in that space