Getting Married this Summer? Time to Rethink Those Old Traditions - Letters From Esther Live 

We watched this with our friend who was going to officiate our wedding. It inspired us so much! We took over your idea of the rings, pushing it halfway on our partners finger and then pushing it further outselves. Plus, we came with a ritual with crystals and little ‘wish stones’ for our 70 guests they could ‘warm up’ with intentions and wishes. Everybody felt special, included and the whole ceremony felt FULL of love 💗 thanks Esther for the inspiration

There are many things about weddings that can be elevated or changed. I tire of weddings that are boring and too long, promote purity and over-estimated promises-- and not realism. I agree and love your input on involving the guests.

Wedding traditions that call for an expensive wedding is the 1st tradition I'll be breaking 🤙 All I want to do is cut a cake shaped like a realistic hamburger, get drunk and tell my said spouse why they're special. Maybe it could be come as a character, Maybe play some games like slip and slide kickball and adult drinking games. We can all go home happy and full.

I agree that traditions can be modified. It's true that it takes courage to go against the "tried and true" rituals for weddings and others may have some resistance but customizing it to the couple and what aligns the best is definitely a beautiful way to approach modern weddings.

I can highly recommend a Justice of the Peace wedding in Utah. The female justice was so fun and up about the process. She also went next door and fetched the Dentist as a witness and he was really cool about it as well. I believe we paid $5.00.

Hallo Esther, pleased to hear you talk of shuka, watching from Nairobi

Great insight Esther towards modernisation of outdated traditions

I am a Wedding Celebrant and increasingly I am creating 'Gratitude and new Beginning ceremonies'. I am soo excited for this

I hate that weddings are made for outgoing social people. Both me and my partner are quite introverted and we both feel awkward about some of these traditions where you have to show too many feelings. Any advice on how we should relax and do it our way? Weddings are also based on people having been to weddings before. But if we haven't, it makes it much harder to plan them.

simply wonderful, thank you!

Great points and food for thoughts. Thank you Esther.

i don't like the 'proposal' idea that one partner always 'waits' for the other to take responsibility for 'asking'.

Thank you

I’m getting married in May and my brother is giving me away as my parents have passed away. My brother hates wearing shoes so he will be wearing his sandals 😂 thing is he’s such a comedian that we are happy for him. We’ve also arranged for someone to play a slide whistle when the officiate asks if anyone thinks we shouldn’t be wed 😂 We are introverts but we love comedy.

Coincidentally, I'm also a Kenyan Kikuyu woman, like the lady who's wedding you officiated, when I got the notification for the blog post, I thought it was quite serendipitous because I was actively contemplating on this subject of weddings when the notification arrived, imagining the kind of future I'd like When you asked about the dreadful parts about weddings, I thought about how most weddings I've seen, seem to follow the cultural script set by our country. It's all about the needs of the parents, societal traditions and expectations/pressures that leave little room for the couple's true authentic expression of their story and personalities. It feels like there's this expectation of pleasing everyone but yourself, the weddings are often large , so many guests And there's this same exact pattern they follow I had a graduation ceremony of this nature, I told my parents repeatedly that I wanted a quiet meal in a restaurant to mark the occasion, as a Highly sensitive person and an introvert, the large, overstimulating events,filled with a crowd of strangers/distant relations who lack any true intimacy, the boisterous music not of your choosing, being paraded like a show pony, expected to make speeches, be center stage the whole day and the lack of respect of your opinions, the blatant disregard of boundaries and your legitimate needs and the gaslighting, being told it's about others and being made to feel selfish and the expectations to stuff down your own feelings, discomfort and genuine anxiety and lack of interest for the collective good is jarring and it was ultimately a traumatic event for me People to this day, remember the event as a happy day where they ate well , they often tell me this to my face with such genuine nostalgia, I however, remember it years later with genuine anger, sorrow, anguish and bitterness. I didn't get a chance to literally eat any food or taste a piece of cake. I was kept waiting at a different location to make a "grand entrance" while guests ate comfortably while I starved and faced such anxiety about the large crowd it felt like I'd have a panic attack , then I was paraded around like a show pony, to dance, speak and listen to preachers and others alike make irrelevant speeches, all at a time when I had been grappling with the question of whether I had made the right decision studying that course in the first place, being paraded around and asked intrusive questions about future career plans and exaggerated congratulations on a degree in a field, I wasn't sure I wanted to work in , such intense scrutiny and pressure, there was no one to talk to , the quiet restaurant meal felt like another world entirely, but one that i would've been welcomed over this ultimately selfish, show of ego from parents who wanted to show off and were ultimately just using me as a boost to their ego and social standing, with no consideration to my needs and the genuine pain, trauma and burden they were adding to an already internally pressure filled topic, not that I could discuss them with it anyway, in private they're unattentive but act like caring parents during the graduation... any attempts to point my feelings about the graduation, my true experience were met with dismissal, gaslighting and implications that they did their role as parents, as if they were martyrs and I was the ungrateful one who couldn't appreciate their "sacrifice/generosity" . Years later I still feel the anguish and bitterness from this event very clearly I was overstimulated, tired, hungry and emotionally worn at the end of the day, pranced around like a circus animal, performing for the crowd , putting on this social mask and having to hide my agony, when I call it traumatic, it truly was I had tears in my eyes I had to stifle thinking how lonely I was in a crowd apparently meant to be honoring me, this is true loneliness, something I have always experienced in their company, being surrounded by people but feeling utterly, desperately, deeply alone in a way that is jarring and deeply painful The bitterness from this event has made me determined to one day have a wedding on my own terms, everyone else be damned Such a genuine bitterness and need to break free of societal expectations and oppression cause it's ultimately abusive and gaslighting And these are many a Kenyan wedding/event that follow such a pattern , the crowd, family, parents, tribe traditions all come before the couple, they're simply pawns being used to fulfill another agenda, it is not truly an event to honor them Maybe for some it's not as jarring as again I'm an introverted HSP so this was my personal hell , but I think anyone who is expected to follow someone else's agenda will ultimately face varying degrees of suffering, let alone the financial burden I recall hearing an acquaintance talking about how every aspect of her wedding was essentially controlled by everyone else, predominantly her mother in law to be, who had opposed their union for 4 years, so they waited for 4 years, and eventually when they did get married, it was a public affair with hundreds upon hundreds of guests, many she didn't know. It was tragic to hear her story, and her hopes of one day doing a vow renewal, in essence, the wedding she actually wanted , but this level of intrusion and strict adherence to traditions at the cost of the couple is common and something I was contemplating the week the newsletter article came out I was moved to tears about the couple who only invited close friends, the potluck and making their own cake, I love that A wedding to me is a celebration of the people, the couple, an authentic unfolding of their story in the ways they want , as you said , not in the ways they need to do it based on the outside world, but what they need That's my dream :) Thank you Esther Perel for your wisdom and for who you are

Welcome from Namibia🍾👏

Hello from Maui

Talking about marriage, how do we convince our parents about love marriage?

Hello Esther

Keep adding partners.

Traditions are there for a reason, and our willingness to carelessly dispense with them certainly adds to the tragic ending to the majority of weddings these days. That's not to say you have to follow all the traditions. But don't go thinking our ancestors were stupid, naive, or anything like that. The biggest difference between the old days and now is that we have a lot more time on our hands to bumble around and do unproductive things.

Congratulations to those who are ... I think ... ... how are people making contact with other people ... ? ...

dont wanna call it "marriage"? make a clear CONTRACT w/ lawyers or at least notarized so you wont refuse full commitment but then demand it was when theres a division

DANCING IS AAL

can parents etc be CIVIL at the wedding? tell those of concern you "would hate to have to hold off visiting and w/ new babies if you cant prove trustworthy..."

"obsessive anxious thoughts"? seems like YOU arent the right person

Why do women need to be surprised on their Birthdays and why do they have such high expectations from men. But on the other hand men get treated like shit doesn't matter how much they try and live up to their expectation. why is it never enough. how to deal with this.

I don't like Lobola ,how can you negotiate and put a price to a human being?

Don’t be stupid. Marriage is an institution that makes your relationship a ward of the state. If and when you go to divorce court , it is assumed that the two of you are to stupid an immature to solves your own problems, so as a ward of the state, a Judge will have to be the adult to make decisions for you. Love each other, live your lives together. If need be,draw up a prenuptial agreement together.