No. No one thinks you’re really stupid or really rude. if they thought anything at all was probably that you were beautiful and mysterious and your husband is hot. 🎉❤
This is exactly how it feels! I don't leave the house anymore. I just cant fight through the anxiety. I use to drink so I could go out and have "fun" it was never fun! I absolutely get it! And I think there are so many of us who feel exactly like this
I don't really go out to like a party or something like that either, but I do go out. Even if it's just a walk in nature. But going somewhere for a planned activity works well for me to. I don't do well with other people when there is no structure, but when there is a game night or something like that, it's a lot easier for me. One game night I go to has up to 20 people sometimes and that is a lot to handle, but the structure of the game makes it possible. I hope you all find something like that too!
Your mom is me same age and I'm literally trying to psych myself up to hang with my husband's realtor friends and I'm dying. I'm so awkward I'd rather be home in my fantasy worlds verbally stimming songs made up entirely of my cat's multiple nicknames and binge watching the same comfort movies over and over again
Yep, all too familiar feelings! One key aspect of my late-diagnosed unmasking has been to just accept that I find unfamiliar social situations - particularly large gatherings - overwhelming, disorienting, and exhausting; therefore, not for me. If I'm expected to make an appearance then I make it clear in advance that IF (big if!) I go, I only stay for a short time, ideally no more than half of whatever my hard limit is on a good day (typically I can handle 20 minutes.) If other people can't understand or respect that, tough! 😊
I cannot thank you enough for this video. I wept because of how much I relate to your after party thoughts. I tend to care for people quickly and deeply, and that has always come with social responsibilities for which I feel ill-equipped. It feels like a cruel cosmic joke at times because I am invited to things because people like me and "my energy," all while I feel like I limping through a marathon for which I didn't train. I am nearly 40 and I have believed at times (prior to my ADHD diagnosis) that my social anxiety was either my fault or just something that was fundamentally broken. I am really grateful that you and Toren make videos like these because they help me learn to be kinder to myself. I sincerely appreciate the grace and honesty you share with the world.
I was supposed to meet a former classmate for lunch today. We chat online a lot but haven’t seen each other in person since we were kids. I was relieved when we had to postpone due to illness. I want to be able to comfortably meet up with my friend but I get SO anxious and have to plan everything out like what I’m going to order (looked up the menu so I could choose ahead of time), what to wear (checking the weather so I can dress accordingly), and practice what I’ll say when we first see each other. I know it will be very awkward.
I was always told it would get easier with time growing up, but the only thing that got easier was that I had the choice of iscolating myself in a corner instead of having my mother drag me by the arm into overstimulating situations. If I'd known as a kid it wouldn't get easier, I would've never pushed myself so hard. The last time I went to a large party with strangers was about 5 years ago and I hated it so much i decided i can't do it anymore. I was practically glued to the couch. Had no idea how to join a conversation. Could barely hear through all the levels of noise. And then I found out a few days later that the host's mother made fun of me behind my back for it. Thankfully her son defended me, but hearing one of my biggest insecurities come true just made it all not worth it anymore. I'm sorry you had such a horrible time. I hope your family is giving you plenty of hugs and support.
I felt so much this "I hate make up so much". I also feel badly awkward and stupid in gatherings and people still tend to avoid me before I even say sth and despite me smiling. But working as a waitress made me able to interact socially better (it was pure hell before now it is domesticated hell) but it is all learbed and if my practiced small talks go unexpected way (for example someone gets angry or passive agressive for no reason I freeze and my brain goes "not enough data" mode. So hard to improvise! And yet I can be very expressive, creatuve and talkative among people I trust)
none of us should "need" a drink to "relax" enough to engage with neurotypicals. im so so tired, and lonely. even the groups i can get together with i cant unmask fully around, just more unmasked than with other groups. love your content btw, im late dx and i see a lot of me in your mom, and a lot of who i could have been with better support in you. you are helping a lot of folks see both components for sure! and i really appreciate it
Two years ago, before discovering that I had autism and ADHD, I went to a women's retreat, which was terrifying, but someone paid my way and I forced myself to go. I wanted to take my own car but was worried about breaking down and getting stuck on the way up there, so I rode with a van full of other ladies. I did okay on the ride up and most of the time while I was there because I was able to spend a lot of time alone, but afterwards I felt horrible. I was drained and overwhelmed. I had no clue why, but I felt like I'd been attacked. I replayed conversations the entire way back and I beat myself up about how I'd interacted over the weekend. It feels so good to understand why now. I'm hoping to develop strategies for situations like this.
When I was little, I would often get told off by my parents for the way I embarrassed them, like I don't remember what I did but I do remember the getting yell at after. Now that I'm an adult, post any gathering means a totally replay and review, break down analysis of everything I said and did. It's unpleasant. I would do the same, tell myself no one cared, try and tell myself to let it go etc etc but thank you so much for this video!!! I have never seen anything who goes through the same thing post and pre party!! Thank you, help me a lot!! ❤
Even social events with people I know leads me to struggle with self-judgment/shame & re-evaluating interactions on my way home - usually in tears with words similar to those you shared Your openness helps me feel better about my own experiences & less alone. Thank you so much for sharing 💜
Thank you for sharing this! I'm late diagnosed AuDHD and have this problem even with gatherings of my extended family. I feel judged and uncomfortable and overwhelmed the entire time. I'm also similar to you re: scripts. I also saw in the caption that people suggested drinking to alleviate the stress of the gatherings. That is not good advice, folks! I used getting tipsy at events for years and it didn't actually help me. I have a hard time with mind altering substances like alcohol bc my brain can't "put the brakes on it" and I don't stop until I get blackout drunk, which isn't safe. So since I quit drinking for good, I don't go to any gathering larger than 10 people and I have an exit plan to leave any gathering as soon as it becomes too much for me. ❤
Im late discovered. 39 yrs old. Its a lot to process when one has lived so many years thinking if I just try hard enough it will get better.. then find out, no, its not going to get better. This is who I am. The good thing is knowing and embracing ones own uniqueness and stopping worrying about others opinions can be liberating! I have horrible anxiety and get migraines after socializing.. My advice for this beautiful soul is to try to find your neuro-kin! It will make communication and socializing easier. ❤❤ Sending lots of love and light to you! You are a courageous warrior women!..
late diagnosed here! 54. the freedom will come to you when you decide not to show up...might be a bit rude to some... but who cares in the end...not us! I went into a forest and said No! to all the trees... not one cared because I went back the following year and they were all still there just doing their tree stuff. 😊
I completely understand and love when you said how you went into the forest and said No! and no one cared because you went back to the forest a year later and they were all still there doing their tree stuff. Totally something I'd do for sure.
It's hard to feel protected when you ARE a glass house. I find your videos not only relatable but encouraging. I can't speak for anyone else but kind and intellectual are the impressions I'm left pondering. NOWHERE NEAR RUDE. ❤❤❤
Social anxiety is crushing. My whole life is affected by it. Been 14 years since my diagnosis. I feel you. Well done on going to a party, it's like getting a Nobel prize to do that
I totally relate with what you went through. I hate parties and socialising with people I don’t know. A few years ago my friend was celebrating her fiftieth birthday and unbeknownst to me she was also getting married as a surprise to her guests. My husband stayed home with the kids (we had our kids in out late 30s/early 40s) so I was alone. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. I tried to talk with people I met but the music was too loud and I couldn’t focus or hear very well. I tried to stay as long as I could but once 10pm came I had to leave. I felt exactly like you did afterwards.
You are not stupid. I literally felt like this at a wedding and reception today. I also scripted before anything I went to. Always fell like everyone thinks I am stuck up or better than them. Huge hugs!
THANK YOU for being so open and vulnerable; I know it had to be SO hard to open up like that, but it resonates with me (and so many others). You are wonderful!
I always think people are judging me and when I say anything to try to mingle or get in on the conversation, I immediately think it was the stupidest thing anyone could have said. Then I come home and play it over and over in my mind and think how stupid everything I said was. So, most of the time I would just go and be quiet and sit in a corner, but then I came home and worried that people thought I was boring and rude. So, I stopped going and/or people stopped inviting me.
Omg I’m so thankful for you being vulnerable with us! I was diagnosed PTSD and AuDHD at age 45 and I want to show my adult daughter this video because she’s seen me freeze, feel so much shame and regret, cry, etc after social events (sometimes even just going out to eat will trigger me if I have an awkward interaction with the waitress. This is why these videos are needed! Us autists really need more compassion with ourselves and I had so much compassion for you while watching this, it was clear I need to pour that into myself when I’m feeling this way 💗
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so incredibly strong and vulnerable! I wish for your channel to reach millions of people, it is such an important message you both are sharing. You have uplifted and informed me personally SO much already.
I'm nurodiverge but not autistic and I feel exaltly like you in social situations. I'm glad I'm not alone, I'm not the only one like this. I know how hard it is to not think its my fault and feel like I don't fit in to the world or society. It's not your fault your not wrong to feel what you feel. Thank you for your honest and realistic videos of your experiences your feelings it helps me not feel alone and like everything is my fault. I hope you know your loved by and appreciated by me and probably alot of your viewers like me. ❤
I have a social gathering coming up in 3 weeks and during that a group of my husband's old and new friends that I've never met before but want to meet his wife (me). My husband talks me up constantly to them which makes me worry more because I think I won't meet their expectations. I know I'll perform well because I know what is required of me but it's just that, a performance. I find it bizarre that I'm fully aware that it is an act and having to conceal my authentic self while introducing myself to someone is... Well, it feels disingenuous.
I feel this way even hanging with friends. So easy for them, really hard for me. I can’t tell if I’m fake or not because I basically mimic their behaviors. Wish I could shed the mask.
I understand❤❤❤I’ve felt all of this. I know it doesn’t feel ok but I think it’s ok. Especially since I felt like social events went so bad and yet I lived another day even though i was kicking myself into tomorrow🙄😪it’s exhausting! I think you have so many awesome qualities and characteristics ❤️I hope one day you’re able to throw a party for your favorite people with no surprise guests and have a wonderful time
Thank you so much for being honest! That’s exactly how it’s been for me with any kind of social thing. So many times I start getting super anxious about certain social things as soon I find out about them and then I can’t stop being upset about it every day up to it. Sometimes I get really bad anxiety attacks because I’m scared of all the unknowns about whatever social thing I have to do(even if it’s something that I wanted to do like visit a friend). You’re not at all stupid! There’s nothing wrong with feeling scared or anxious or stressed. Everyone has something that really upsets them. It’s just different things and different reactions for each person. No one should make you feel bad about not being able to handle “normal” situations. And what is normal anyways? No one has a right to say that everyone HAS to like the same things or be able to do the same things or feel the same way as everyone else! We are all unique individuals and each of us are important. You are an amazing and beautiful woman am dad have an amazing wonderful son. I’m very proud of you for doing something that was scary! There’s always hope that things can get better and that you can find more happiness and peace. I know it’s super difficult to believe, especially if you don’t feel like you’ve made any progress in whatever you want to. What has been helping me tremendously is having a relationship with God and finding healing from Him through counselors(specifically Christian), certain family members, listening or talking to others who have struggles similar to mine and researching my diagnosis. You’re not alone! I wish you and your family a beautiful life. ❤️
My partner is a social butterfly, I am super introverted and have a low socialization meter. We understand that about each other, and realize our needs and preferences are different. She’s a keeper.
Serenity, that must have been so hard and so scary. It’s really nerve wracking to be around people you don’t know. I’ve ditched lots of gatherings because of social anxiety, too. Sending love.
Thank you for this raw honest video. I’m late diagnosed and only a couple years ago around age 50 did I realize anxiety is what I’m experiencing in social situations. You’ve put words to what I struggle to articulate. Never underestimate the relevance of this content for others. Much gratitude.
I have ADHD. I used to not understand why I couldn't fit in. I have a cousin whose birthday is the next day after mine. Mom had a party for us both when I was 5. They all ignored me and played with my cousin. I remember that it hurt me. Mom never had another birthday party for me. Years later, I told my late husband what had happened. I had gotten to be acquainted with some other students in my department (all nerds). I was comfortable with them because I had known them for a while. They threw me a birthday party. Thank you for what you are doing here. I now understand more about myself, and I am getting more comfortable being me.
Thank you for this. I can relate. I'm just over 50 and still I have no good explanation for why I feel so stupid or why I freeze or have had stuttered answers to simple questions...or forgot basic information about myself. So...I haven't gone to big gatherings or large public venues for about 20 years. You seem cognitively aware of good & loving truth about yourself- hold that tightly while letting the false negative internal dialogue wash away! ❤ though it is hard for me to do that sometimes, I know I need to do it- with no rumination. Thank you for this video.❤
I recently found out that I probably have ADHD. I don’t have the severity of your experience, but I can relate on a deep level. It was actually very healing to hear you share this. It made me feel less alone.
You are beautiful and amazing and so are your famjly members. I am sorry you have trouble bit dont worry sweet lady alot of us do too! You are so strong and so brave for sharing
Since I learned to ask for what I need, parties have been so much easier. Part of that was finding a church that is inclusive and open minded. Most of my social gatherings are church related. It truly took a while to know what I needed and how to ask for them.
Mama Wolf, thank you for this video! Sorry for your pain, I'll say that your real-time, raw video of your thoughts and feelings is very relatable to so many of us! Gosh, I understand, you aren't alone! 🥰
I can relate a lot to this. I realized many years ago that scripts don’t work. I never go anywhere where strangers will be without my husband, my mom, or my beer friend. And I just breathe and stay calm. If I’m asked questions or find something interesting, I speak honestly and try to keep myself brief. And I also work on helping. Are there kids there? I will help with the kids. Do people need drinks? I can help with that. I will find reasons to not engage - but still be present so I don’t yet “she’s just shy. She’s just a wallflower.” But sometimes I just sit mute. I don’t mean to do this and when this happened when u was younger, I felt horrible about it. But sometimes that’s all I can do. If I can’t get away, I stay near whoever I am with and let them do the talking, maybe adding little details here and there. My husband is ND too, so usually, especially at family gatherings, we end up somewhere else and just hang out with each other.
I wish I could hold all of your self-doubt, discomfort, and self-loathing. By removing it, even for a time, I could give you peace and respite. I wish to bring you peace and self-love. You are worthy of both. ❤
🙏🏽 Thank you for this video. It makes me feel like im not alone in this journey. I also have my husband help me with social situations. It makes me feel childish but If not for him, i would never leave the house. Thank you so much for your honesty in these videos.
I feel this so much. I'm sorry. You're so brave to even go. Just thinking about how stupid, rude, & weird I am at events makes me want to hide in my room forever.
don't make yourself go!!! *I can't stand those situations either so the only social environments I put myself in are ones where I'm around people but don't have to interact with them directly (mall, festivals, farmer's market, museum etc) try that 😊
At the risk of sounding simplistic or dismissive of everything going on in your head (I'm not, I have so much empathy and compassion as an adult diagnosed with ADHD, INFJ and a son on the spectrum) have you ever tried making it a game/challenge to learn something from three new people? It could be their job duties, a new subdivision they moved into or book they are reading. Just ask a few short questions and let *them* talk. It takes your focus off you. You are giving attention and affirmation to another and that is always appreciated. Start with *one* thing. *One* person. You're already a success, but you will **feel** more like it socially. Sending you wishes for peace of mind and heart.
Mama Wolf please don't feel bad. We all tend to be our own worst critic. You are lovely and you seem so sweet. I'm sure that 's what others saw, that's what I see watching the videos you are in.🌹
Oh my god. I relate to your mom so much. I am also late diagnosed autistic (though I was diagnosed at age 32... so at least younger than your mom was). The struggle is REAL. It's so so hard. I would totally have a quiet cup of coffee with your mom and we can just like, look at birds silently or something, or talk about our latest books/hobbies/interests. On a side note, I don't drink alcohol whatsoever, so I can't even use that as a social buffer anymore, but my doctor prescribed me a low dose of propranolol to help me out with social occasions. Maybe she could look into something like that? Something non-addictive that she can use before rare social events?
I feel this in my soul. Next time you go out it will be better. That's what I tell myself to keep going bc I don't want to give up trying. I have good days and bad days and the anxiety makes me feel like I can't breathe but never give up bc you're worth it and just know you are not alone 💕✨
I hate make up too! I have also lived all my 53 years assuming these things would get easier, but they don't. Its just so super hard, but you are not alone. You have a beautiful family that loves you. ❤
If it helps you any my social side only improve after an Acquired Brain Injury.... I literally needed brain damage to have thatbarea of my life improve. I know exactly who I'd be without it, just like you. You are who you are meant to be. Love from Australia from a late diagnosed female from Australia (born 1983) i also have ADHD and PTSD.... i see myself so much in you Mama Wolf! PS i loved seeing Mr Wolf.... i can see where Toren gets his looks and mannerisms from!
Yes, Toren is definitely a mix of both sides of great parents. They look like models. I'd love to see them in a movie or documentary about their lives.
My autistic daughter gets very overwhelmed at parties. We always make sure she knows she can leave whenever she wants and no one will mind. She only goes to events where people are aware of and willing to support her needs, so no one minds at all if she needs a break or she is done before the party is over. Maybe explaining to your friends that parties can be overwhelming and talking to new people causes a lot of anxiety?
I feel this all the time. I’m 28 and undiagnosed autistic probably , but I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 10. I relate to this so hard. On a lighter note I absolutely love your hair style 🩷 it’s beautiful
❤ I feel the same❤ ❤you are not alone❤ ❤it is so frustrating and exhausting ❤ ❤you don’t need to attend if it makes you upset ❤ ❤ I think that a person who loves you would not want you to go through all that pain if they throw the party❤ ❤you are so so lovely mommy wolf❤ ❤You deserve so omuch gentleness❤ ❤even from yourself ❤
I'm a few yrs younger than your mom but I truly feel like I'm watching myself in this video and others I've come across today just finding your channel today. I'm in the beginning of considering if I want to actually get a diagnosis or not especially after going to a specialist appt last week and they asked if I was ever assessed for it. I've been wondering for a while but too afraid to talk about it. Also seeing these videos I truly wonder if my mom was also undiagnosed on the spectrum.
Aww!! I'll be praying for you thru this!! It is very hard! I overthink and have that social anxiety that I battle thru but I have to keep in prayer or I start to overthink and feel panicky. Please forgive yourself and process your emotio
Something that makes it easier is when you have something to relate on so that when your script doesn't work, at least you have something for ice breaking. But even with that, sometimes it's just awkward. Also idk if this is a thing but neurodivergent women and makeup sensitivity is something people never talk about. It's even harder when your parents are neurotypical.
Being low-masking, I have little trouble attending social engagements, but actually interacting with people is difficult. If I leave early, it tends to be more boredom than stress. That said, my social circles seem to be unusually neurodivergent.
That’s me at work. At 49, still not diagnosed, but I know, I know. It’s been absolute hell. 25 years now. I HATE myself and my life. This is and has always been awful. A serious meltdown every 2-3 months, and then I completely shut down every 3 years or so from the masking stress… I need to pay my bills, but getting a whooping each day just to do that, I’ve ideated off and on for years. I’ve spent a lot of money just to self-medicate with shopping, so I don’t have enough to retire. It’s terrible.
@lovelyreen9936 Same! So many times I've hit the 3 year mark of masking & difficult relationships or work stress & have to quit my job or end a relationship. It all builds up after awhile & you are the only other person who has mentioned 3 years. We're on the same wavelength. It's hard. Good luck!
I know I cannot change how you feel, but I know you are not rude, weird, or unlovable. I know hearing the thoughts on repeat in your mind torment you And overwhelm every sensation making simple noises or movements appear as threats to your safety and your whole body will jolt with fear, but you are not unwanted. We may have never met, but that doesn’t change our inherent similarities.
this is exactly it. i’m not diagnosed but ive been looking into finding an adult testing center because i have struggled with this + so many other struggles that make me think i have autism
Please tell your mom she is just as beautiful (or maybe even more beautiful) without the make-up. I don't wear any make-up either (I'm a female young adult). Some people think it's weird or ask about first, but they get used to it. I know it can be hard to let go of expectations that way, there are still some I can't let go of either. But I notice, with every expectation like that that I let go, life gets easier ❤
The reality is that people do judge us, as they judge everyone, even we are guilty of doing so but of course some judge more than others and I think a lot of neurotypical people judge terribly toward us Neuro-diverse people. I face this judgment everyday from others and it's pushed me very far away from desiring people's company that I end up feeling isolated, or rather I would say it's that being misunderstood and judged harshly makes me feel isolated, yet somehow I would blame myself, that it's my fault for having no friends and it goes on, this cycle of feeling low about myself because people do not give me a chance and tend to point out my flaws rather than simply love and embrace me. This is why I need comfort and support that can only come from above, and that comfort is sweet and tender. No one else can love me, and you the way Jesus does. And I do hate that unfortunately many who call themselves Christians fail to love the way that Jesus did when he walked this earth. I'm just here to say that I understand, and I've been there too many times but there is comfort and hope available for us through God and He is the reason I can get through my days now with less self hatred and anxiety. God bless ❤️
Its the same for me. I feel like the littlest, stupidest person every time. And it sucks bcs ik that its not reality. Ik my own brain is torturing me like that. And my brain is me. How am i supposed to like myself when i torture myself like that all the time? And that finishes the circle, bcs the next thought is…how r other supposed to like me, if idk what thats like myself😊
Telling her to have a drink so she'll relax is such an ignorant neurotypical thing to say. If you're going to spend the time to watch these videos, stop being lazy and educate yourself about neurodivergence and what we have to put up with. Top of the list would be the ignorance of neurotypical people and their expectations for us to be the ones to change and conform to *their* standards. ❤ you Mom & Toren! Keep sharing the reality of neurodivergence ❤️
Can i give you my honest opinion? I find you to be extremely beutiful and mysterious. When ì say mysterious i mean you could be a white witch who crafts up potions and lotions or a woman who prides herself by being a private person. There is no shame in wanting to be a private person. I would just enjoy sitting with you and watching a movie!! No talking but then we both might feel awkward because of the silence hahaha Your mannerisms are just as mine as The way you articulate is also like me . When i found your YT channel i burst into tears because it was like watching a mirror version of myself. I script and didnt realise i do what people on the spectrum do. I also stim and enjoyed flapping my hands as a kid or bouncing on my tippy toes. Anyway i am now rambling on lol But back to my original message and that is this: Mama Wolf you are a captivating individual who has a lot of worth and id just find you so interesting to be around!! And if you felt you were being awkward in anyway you wouldn't have to worry because id be feeling the same way about myself too then be sad later believing " Oh i think i offended her and i didnt say much i bet she doesn't like me? Oh and i was so rude to not bring tea cake over when she asked me to come for coffee" then feel guilty! Lol See? Im more concerned what you would think of me and trying to impress you. I stand by what i said you a beautiful person to look at and how you conduct yourself really is quite sweet 🌟
Ironically, the mother seems like a genuine person by the end of the video. In the first half, I can’t tell if the infantilization is intentional to showcase a trait of autism or if it’s just the cultural influence social media has on women (since the first half seems like a reenactment).
