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How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark 

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Is blood really thicker than water? Is being family enough to outweigh the toxicity of an unhealthy relationship? Over 1 in 4 American adults have experienced family estrangement, be it from one, or both parents, a sibling or a relative. The main causes are emotional abuse, personality and value clashes, mismatched expectations and possible physical/sexual trauma. Johnson Chong poses the idea that toxic family relationships are similar to unspoken one-sided contracts that are full of expectations and obligations that keep us from unapologetically living the life we deserve to live. He asks the question, "if we can negotiate legal contracts, then why not toxic family ones?"
As a gay man, he feared disappointing his traditional Chinese parents who were freedom swimmers, a movement of asylum seekers who risked their lives swimming across the Southern Sea from China to Hong Kong to escape Communist rule in the mid-20th century. Johnson has had to break free from the traditional pressures of what his parents expected of him - to be a hetero-normative son abiding to traditional Chinese customs. And as is the case with many bi-cultural immigrant families, he straddled the fence for a while until he dared to break up with these imposed values that were not in alignment with who he truly is.
Hashtags: #johnsonchong #relatinoships #breakup #family #toxicrelationships #authenticity #familyestrangement #toxicfamily #estrangedfamily Johnson Chong is the best-selling and award-winning author of Sage Sapien: From Karma to Dharma. He is a shaman and the founder of Sage Sapien Soul Academy where he trains aspiring meditation and breathwork teachers. Through the synthesis of the most applicable teachings of yoga, meditation, breathwork, coaching and shamanic healing, his trainings are designed to help people quiet the mind, awaken the heart and free themselves of the roadblocks that keep them from living more authentically and joyfully. He has spoken and led workshops at companies like Unilever, Facebook, Nike, Macquarie, Insight Timer, UBS, UOB and more. Johnson is a native New Yorker, and has lived on 3 continents, currently based in Sydney, Australia.
To connect more with Johnson to see what offerings and programs he is currently running, follow him on facebook and Instagram: @johnsonchongsagesapien, or visit him at www.johnsonchong.com This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

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28 июл 2022

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Комментарии : 915   
@connollybrid1984
@connollybrid1984 8 месяцев назад
sitting down and talking to family members is impossible when they will not listen to you in the first place....
@Wandertheworldwithme
@Wandertheworldwithme Год назад
I grew up in low income household in Los Angeles. I am the first to go to college, actually I even earned a Masters degree. While in college I utilized the on-campus therapy and worked on myself. I bought a house. I’m the first to have an actual wedding. I am in a healthy marriage and have a child. Of course my cousins stopped talking to me and spoke poorly of me. They are jealous. Instead of feeling proud or desire to improve their lives, they chose the cheap route.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Isn’t how toxic relationships can be formed through jealousy. You broke out of the mold because you strove to be more. I broke out of the mold by simply existing outside the framework of tradition. In both situations, toxicity was created because of expectations to stay within the confines of the familiar. To go a step further than dealing with renegotiating family contracts, we could say that the very first step is in renegotiating the contracts we have with ourselves. Why are we so entrained and engrained in small ways of being? Is it out of fear? And when there is a total embrace of accepting the unfamiliar as part of life, then perhaps toxic relationships are less likely to form because the relationship with ourselves is harmonious to begin with in the first place. Thanks for sharing and inspiring new reflections for me.
@halleysky8005
@halleysky8005 Год назад
I always thought that bourn in a low income home is a blessing, otherwise you don’t grow up having a sense of been grateful!.. they can take everything from us .. but not this !
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@halleysky8005 experiencing obstacles and overcoming them is very much part of the human experience. Financial or otherwise. You’re right. It’s exactly the story of the lotus. Without the appreciation of moving through the mud, the lotus will never blossom into its’ full beauty.
@Wandertheworldwithme
@Wandertheworldwithme Год назад
@@halleysky8005 that is so true ♥️
@sevetlanca
@sevetlanca Год назад
Well done Yvette, you are an inspo
@tranquility7778
@tranquility7778 Год назад
If they want to change you, they do not love you. Do not ever compromise on your right to be unique...signing a contract means that you are willing to sacrifice something. It took me 51 years to walk away from an extremely toxic family and won't ever "negotiate" my happiness with them again.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@conversationswithadrianne
@conversationswithadrianne Год назад
I'm happy for you.
@GwenRN
@GwenRN Год назад
I bet you are breathing easier and don't have a headache. Tender condolences for the loss of hope and take care.
@tranquility7778
@tranquility7778 Год назад
@@GwenRN Thank you dear. I honestly still pray for all of us to be united.
@lesliengo8347
@lesliengo8347 Год назад
👏
@kaverisequeira8426
@kaverisequeira8426 Год назад
This message is what people need to hear. To be unapologetically ourselves without the guilt and shame of family contracts. Thanks Johnson for this inspiring talk!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Guilt and shame unfortunately are unconsciously woven into the way we are parented in order to elicit desirable behaviour. Conscious parenting in conjunction with renegotiating our family contracts is definitely how we need to move humanity forward on the micro level. Thanks for commenting.
@HeartlightHealing
@HeartlightHealing Год назад
M. M. ZMm
@alexandriadillhoff7069
@alexandriadillhoff7069 Год назад
"I just wanted my parents to choose me" hit like a brick
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for connecting with the topic ❤
@chumchum4393
@chumchum4393 3 месяца назад
Me too.
@minghui5199
@minghui5199 Год назад
The Chinese household statements hit hard. I feel the constant need to fulfill their obligations. Everything from marriage, job, and daughter obligations. It is overwhelming and scary.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Know that you’re alone in it. And that you have every power to shift things into more alignment with what you want for your life.
@daoyang223
@daoyang223 Год назад
I just want to work, do my music, make a lot of money and buy my mom a house. But everytime I talk to my uncles, they always pressure me into just marrying someone. Always want me to do things they want me to do.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@daoyang223 it’s a difficult one. And it’s a common one in Chinese culture. The obligations of what it means to be Chinese male is toxic in the culture even if it comes from a place of well meaning intention - it creates pressure that is not of your own choosing. You can try to renegotiate through difficult conversations. They might get it, they might not get it. But just remember to stay in your truth unwaveringly.
@joannayeung3705
@joannayeung3705 Год назад
Sister, I feel you. Please stand firm. Live your life. Because they will soon pass, so you will learn to be independent and live your own life.
@minghui5199
@minghui5199 Год назад
@@daoyang223 You got this!
@sedaiy
@sedaiy Год назад
A parent with mental health issues like mine couldn’t enter the contract; the mind is not sound. But the constant abusive interactions have to be enough to distance yourself. It’s not easy either way. Stepping back and finding self love is a journey. Thanks for sharing! Great communication skill technique. Wishing you continued Joy!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
It definitely isn’t easy either way. Thanks for sharing.
@debrashepherd7359
@debrashepherd7359 Год назад
I am in the middle of this very situation! Its exhausting, painful and i do not enjoy. Keep loving you. Hope it works out
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@debrashepherd7359 a big virtual hug to you. You got this.
@silviaborgers4105
@silviaborgers4105 Год назад
it is so difficult. Never been heard, still traumatized.. and feeling guilty at times.
@danielleach8735
@danielleach8735 Год назад
@@silviaborgers4105 It is indeed very difficult... voice of experience speaking. Be strong, it may take a long time but it does get better.
@louise3081
@louise3081 Год назад
5 STEPS OF RENEGOTIATING FAMILY CONTRACT 1. 8:36 Hear + let them know that you did ===> create empathy 2. 9:22 Communicate your true emotions clearly ===> they can understand the effect of their words on you 3. 9:42 Demonstrate (without blame) your understanding of where they're coming from + where you're coming from ===> prepare for the 4th steps 4. 10:22 Request what you want in the relationship 5. 10:44 Offer them the choice to click "agree" ===> they can decide for themselves + you will have a definite answer 11:24 Does this guarantee success? 11:40 What do you do with a "No"? It takes courage to let go of s.o who can't support you as you are. But if you can find that courage, the reward is you can live unapologetically as you. Renegotiating your family contract doesn't guarantee success/acceptance/..., but it does guarantee that you gain more courage + a new level of self-respect. I am learning to choose myself.
@charnitaarora
@charnitaarora Год назад
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for the notes
@Cesiajd
@Cesiajd Год назад
People don't change, when I told them to stop humiliating me they stop for 2 days and then they start again even with more hard words.
@HauteBabe
@HauteBabe 11 месяцев назад
Yea. That's where l am... They just gather more ammunition to make me sound more weird and more crazy, and l'm dreading their wrath even more. And l remind myself- l am middle aged. I live 7000 miles away. But then l grieve for the good times we had when l pretended, and played the game, and didn't stick out, and for what could've been.
@yellow3170
@yellow3170 5 месяцев назад
​@@CesiajdYour right alot of people don't change. This is one womans ways of handling her mil. Everyone is different. So I say if mil can't respect you, then make PERMANENT BOUNDARIES.
@selfhelpchampion9664
@selfhelpchampion9664 Год назад
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@judyschaefer9609
@judyschaefer9609 Год назад
Thank you for this beautiful reminder!
@summernight6605
@summernight6605 Год назад
This hit on a different level since I was also born into a quite conservative Asian family. I finally decided to move out of my parents' place last week and my payment for the contract went through today. I've struggled my entire life to meet the expectations my Dad had of me academic wise and in other aspects of life as well - such as I should get married and have kids... I know it means things are going to get quite uncomfy as in I would be lacking a lot of things that I took for granted as I lived at my parents' place and it IS a bit scary to stand on my own feet solely without anyone's help, but I know "living as myself unapologetically" is really important to me whatever the cost. Thank you SO much for sharing this beautifiul message, Johnson. It couldn't have come at a better time. I hope whoever's reading this can also find the courage to live as who they truly are!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for sharing your story and also for diving into living unapologetically as yourself. I am so happy to hear this.
@soniathegemini1593
@soniathegemini1593 Год назад
Couldn’t agree more! I have the same story.
@GwenRN
@GwenRN Год назад
When my friend and her siblings turned 18yo, the Parents gave them luggage- to move out! They were all excited to get the Luggage, they couldn't wait!! Personally, my home life was fractured, ( no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, just a lack of nurturing) and non-sensical, so I moved 1200 miles away to save myself. I've had a beautiful life, parts of it sucked, sometimes boring, tragedy+ lawyers- all the flavors! It all works out, AND we are spirits having a human experience. Good for you!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@GwenRN yes indeed. I agree. Blessings to you. 🫶
@musicallife3981
@musicallife3981 Год назад
Make the move! Do it.
@patriciasimons1873
@patriciasimons1873 Год назад
I was surprised at the one in four statistic of family estrangement. There are so many people out there just enduring. This is a tough topic and he really spelled it out very simply for people to understand. Congratulations to you sir. I’m glad I don’t fit into my family dynamic, the holidays can be particularly painful. And congratulations for staying so calm during an emotionally charged discussion you are courageous.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for your comments and for watching the talk. Happy holidays and new year to you
@k.d.5786
@k.d.5786 Год назад
So we’ll done. Thank you! I was raised in a violently abusive, neglected family of ten children. We are all adults now, but the dynamics between us all is toxic. While I refuse to interact with my siblings in any way; they don’t know where I live or have my phone number, I nonetheless, feel tremendous compassion for each and every one of them. Certainly, my life is more peaceful without the challenges of trying to decipher the hidden meanings, the jealousy, the unresolved childhood issues, and the general dysfunctional habits. I have recently been diagnosed with a degenerative disease and I know my days are numbered. I am so relieved to have found a new family who do love, value, and care, for me. All I can wish for each of my siblings is that they are as lucky as I have been. They all deserve it.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for sharing your story and for stepping out the the drama paradigm. Much love to you 🙏🌈
@OllieT123
@OllieT123 Год назад
I wish you continued love from your chosen family.💗
@MarcosIsABaritone
@MarcosIsABaritone Год назад
@@kikis_stuff Let's not peddle non-science medical advice to people who make an admission about having a pernicious disease. We should wish them little pain and peace. That's all.
@MarcosIsABaritone
@MarcosIsABaritone Год назад
@@kikis_stuff I'm going to choose to see your naïveté in the light of well-meaning kindness. Bless your heart.
@minghui5199
@minghui5199 Год назад
Stay safe.
@miasibala
@miasibala Год назад
You speak so eloquently and gracefully about such a tough topic. thank you so much for sharing your truth. i needed this talk so much during this time in my life.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic 🫶
@gjthomas9770
@gjthomas9770 7 месяцев назад
​@@johnsonchong2093Dance, dance 🕺... If you wanna dance 🕺. I even know the leader of the techno trance !
@YourSpeakingJourney
@YourSpeakingJourney Год назад
How to break up with your toxic family-so important. I had to do this similar process years ago…and amazingly a decade later my mom and I were able to “renegotiate”. Unfortunately, my father chose not to. Thank you for sharing your idea worth spreading. Brilliantly said. So powerful and useful.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
It’s definitely not an easy choice to let go of family relationships that are toxic. Thank you for sharing that.
@carolnahigian9518
@carolnahigian9518 Год назад
I was scapegoated by both parents and their 'fave'... 3 uglybullies
@ddhqj2023
@ddhqj2023 Год назад
Not sure what your particular family dynamics are, but here's a question....is it always that family is toxic or can it sometimes be more case of a toxic relationship WITH your family? Couldn't it be that the personalities and ways of thinking are like oil and water and there's absolutely nothing in common and as a result, too many expectations on both sides? Just a thought.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@ddhqj2023 for sure the Expectation is a two way street. The biggest traffic jam that leads to toxicity is the lack of communicating them. Once they are communicated, and there is a respect in agreeing to disagree then, fantastic. If not, and it affects how you live, then choices need to be made.
@sarahmoorman6936
@sarahmoorman6936 Год назад
I am so sry! I hope there is hope in the future for restoration but if not, proud of you for doing what you needed to for your mental health! ❤
@railaurque
@railaurque Год назад
The delivery... the whole presentation. PERFECTION.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating 🙏
@lucilepatterson6190
@lucilepatterson6190 Год назад
There was no bitterness in him.
@Liale2011
@Liale2011 Год назад
@@johnsonchong2093do you have social media? I would love to follow your content.
@prosperwithjessie
@prosperwithjessie Год назад
I love how you break down the steps for people who feels comfortable to speak with their parents about renegotiating, a chance and hope to preserve the relationship under a new contract. I also applaud your courage for coming out and speaking your truth to your family. As a Chinese, I know how much turmoil and challenges that can cause to you and your parents (and relatives). Not to mention, the emotional suffering pre- and post the breakup. Unfortunately for many of us, we skip the confrontation and gone straight for the breakup because our parents aren’t capable of sitting down and talk like adults. Yet, this is a great educational piece for us who have chosen the off beaten path to deal with family separation. You’ve given us who suffer in silence and shame a voice and place to be heard and seen. Thank you Johnson!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for your message and for resonating with this topic. I appreciate you 🙏
@kristinecrowley8321
@kristinecrowley8321 Год назад
I don’t understand how loving your kids unconditionally is so difficult for some people. For me - there is no other choice. It’s like a biological, instinctual all consuming, unavoidable reality. I love my kids so fiercely and there’s nothing they can do that will ever change that. I will love and support and protect them until the day I die and hopefully after that too. Their happiness is my happiness. Period. And I don’t think this makes me special or makes me a good mom. It just is what it is. I have no control over it. I can’t turn my feelings off and on and nothing my brain says will ever override what’s in my heart. And I simply just can’t wrap my head around there being another way. Edited to add: And I’m not being judgmental. I’m not naive and unaware. My own parents have let me down. I just think it’s sad....and way beyond my ability to understand.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@mattod12
@mattod12 5 месяцев назад
​@kristinecrowley8321 @@johnsonchong2093 I believe the commenter's feelings are genuine. Unfortunately, the sentiment of unconditional love can also be distorted by parents: I (the parent) love you unconditionally and therefore my actions are always justified. Or, I love you unconditionally so I am write and you are wrong for placing conditions on your love.
@MartinGarcia-xl6fg
@MartinGarcia-xl6fg Месяц назад
Most people don't even love themselves and aren't aware of their insecurities before having kids...that's why they aren't capable of giving unconditional love. It's a sad truth!
@stephenfountain3634
@stephenfountain3634 Год назад
I like how this is applicable to any toxic “contract” or “relationship”- live life on your terms. I’ve seen other content from this person before about facing trauma head on and find it very helpful. Great to see this video from him.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for sharing and for resonating.
@dimitrisraptopoulos1158
@dimitrisraptopoulos1158 Год назад
So enlightening and profoundly thoughtful…reminds me of how true this Rumi statement is: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Thank you!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
I love that quote 🙏
@jessicaw9715
@jessicaw9715 Год назад
This was an amazing talk. Needed this to sink in for me. Thank you for the extra phases
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating.
@erikah9383
@erikah9383 Год назад
Great information, unfortunately only civilized open minded individuals will want to make an effort. There are some family members who just don't care and are unreasonable individuals. They don't care if your feelings are hurt all they care about is what they want. Some toxic family members are rude, manipulative, selfish and narcissistic.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Yes and in that case you break up ❤
@tommyparkerparker
@tommyparkerparker 4 месяца назад
Unfortunately out of nowhere.
@ilovetolaugh2
@ilovetolaugh2 Год назад
I was raised in a dysfunctional family environment all my life. The blame was always placed on my father's alcohol abuse. Only after my father's death... I began to understand and remember how and who the actual troublemaker was - my toxic mother. Unfortunately, my alcoholic father wasn't totally responsible for our family disfunctions. Now, more than ever -I am scared of my mother's toxic lying nature. She has already established my sister's good faith and both my immediate family is making me the scapegoat. I don't imagine I can ever get my own family to understand my concerns and emotions.
@musicallife3981
@musicallife3981 Год назад
Same. Did you find a way out?
@jozica1213
@jozica1213 Год назад
@@musicallife3981 Same. I did find my way out. It was so liberating experience. I never restore my relationship with my parents. They both died and I'm happy with my decision. I have relations with siblings now (after 20 years), but very superficial.
@sarahmoorman6936
@sarahmoorman6936 Год назад
I hope you can but try to find acceptance through Jesus who loves everyone unconditionally and by loving yourself if you never can get your family to care about your concerns and emotions the way you should. I know how you feel. I feel very similar.
@supervitz7178
@supervitz7178 Месяц назад
I'm a straight male and I've been blessed with the most caring and understanding parents. My wife however, hasn't. We have a fantastic loving relationship, but the most challenging thing has been the contrast between our families and how we're treated. My family have supported our life decisions and have been there for us to benefit from their advice and wisdom. We don't agree on everything, but the respect is there. Conversely, we are going through a process with my wife's family and we're still not really ready to give them the contract ultimatum that you describe, but your talk is empowering and very relatable. Her family doesn't hesitate to attack our choices, and give judgement on every little thing we do / don't do. We're ending up sharing less and less with them and slowly drifting apart.
@talk-showshareyourlifestor5123
It's always complicated to deal with toxic family relationships...
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Yes indeed
@yoadreiter8471
@yoadreiter8471 Год назад
What an inspiring talk Johnson. Your ability to turn your experiences into a positive outcome and authentic self are truly commendable. Great talk!!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching ❤
@chantelkismet4076
@chantelkismet4076 Год назад
So beautifully woven together… to be able to draw boundaries and recontract with our loved ones and break the cycle of toxic relationships is so needed. Only then can we live our true authentic self. Thank you for this wisdom Johnson!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for your message and for resonating with the talk ❤
@TheMalfean
@TheMalfean Год назад
My sister and her friends subjected me to years of emotional, mental, and physical abuse. When my father was ill and required care, it was left to me to care for him - she had to take care of her own family (I also had a family, but that didn't matter to her). When he died, I was left dealing with his estate. The only thing she said about it was 'Call me when you sell the house'. When I sold the property, she betrayed me and ripped me off to the tune of about $26,000.00. I'll never speak to her again. There is no dollar amount that would convince me to even sit in a room with that horrible monster for a single minute. I have spent years doing all I can to kick her out of the real estate in my mind.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
I am sorry that you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing.
@simarjitkaur3411
@simarjitkaur3411 14 дней назад
Good for you!! I have heard this story regarding more money than what you shared, if it is any consolation....ignore her as you have done the best by everyone...
@Naluca1988
@Naluca1988 Год назад
I never ever in my life felt so much pain from family hurt,rejection and isolation. My family hurt me last year,believed something I never did and when the truth came out they tried to come back into my life but them not believing me the first time was the deepest cut through my heart.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
I am so sorry that happened to you.
@clairebrennan5977
@clairebrennan5977 Год назад
Thank you for both being authentically you 😊 it's a scary place to be when you're not accepted for being yourself but you're dead right it's a step worth taking
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating 🫶
@almostsomebodypodcast4857
@almostsomebodypodcast4857 Год назад
Had to do this 7 months ago and am so proud of my courage to do so. I think about it now and realize, what I was doing before wasn't actually "living", it was living under a contract of someone that wasn't me for fear of not being accepted. Thank God for therapy as we leave these contracts!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
I’m so happy that you rewrote a contract and moved through the fear of not being accepted and leaned into your truth. I love hearing that. 🙏
@AudreySeybold
@AudreySeybold Год назад
That’s it! Living in fear and under a contract until it makes you sick.
@tristynfaith1162
@tristynfaith1162 Год назад
Love this! Having those conversations is so important for the community still, and I feel blessed to have such a neutral and grounded way to approach them in future. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic.
@luz8011
@luz8011 Год назад
Thanks for this amazing talk and sharing! "Family Contract" idea is definitely a big inspiration.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating with the talk
@sarahsantos5757
@sarahsantos5757 Год назад
Absolutely love this message, I hope everyone watches this at some point in there life.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for your message and for resonating with the topic 🙏
@musicalunicorn9159
@musicalunicorn9159 Год назад
Thinking about the unspoken rules and expectations that a family places on you as a "negotiable contract" helped me see how I could approach and deal with the issues with my own family. I sincerely wanted to improve my relationship with my parents and at least try to live life on my own terms, as Johnson said. This talk empowered me to do exactly that. In this talk, Johnson not only gave me the tools to discuss my family contract confidently but also helped me feel like I wasn't alone. This talk is brutally honest and useful to almost anyone who wants their family to support them but doesn't know how to approach the conversation.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating. I wish you the best in your renegotiation process
@stephanieong3268
@stephanieong3268 Год назад
Thank you for sharing. I hope this will shed some light in time within your family dynamics with your Dad. Honest, practical and insightful.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and connecting. 🙏
@celinahess8607
@celinahess8607 Год назад
Incredible listen and presence. Thank you for sharing your journey and the insights you’ve gathered along the way.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤
@flowersmile123
@flowersmile123 Год назад
This was refreshing to hear. Especially the aspects of courage, self-respect and choosing yourself. When reflecting upon unwritten contracts, it amazing to see how much we grow, change and learn over time with different experiences. Everyone's story is uniquely theirs and I hope we all learn to live a life being comfortably and happily ourselves.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for sharing your reflections. 🙏
@craigmerkey8518
@craigmerkey8518 8 месяцев назад
Really great! Navigating a toxic family with a new partner has been eye opening. He was very confused, because his family is supportive. When I finally said, I don't care if you ever meet my family I think he finally understood because something shifted. IDK what journey my family has been going through for decades, it feels like trauma from an earlier century! I refuse to be held accountable for feelings they cannot identify or express!
@jcrw77
@jcrw77 Год назад
thank you for sharing and putting something that is often vague, unspoken and subject to change into a clear and usable toolkit.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating
@NOMERCY12392
@NOMERCY12392 Год назад
living life on your terms in the end that's the most important thing.. so powerful.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Yes indeed. I hope people walk away with that at the very least.
@theresasubburathinam2405
@theresasubburathinam2405 Год назад
I especially appreciated you sharing how your self-respect grew- who says we have to remain tethered to our DNA family members- when freedom, self-respect and self-love or the path to it is through the other side- THANK YOU for this talk- ❤️
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
❤thank you for watching. Big love to you T.
@emilyrogers5478
@emilyrogers5478 Год назад
Such a great talk Johnson! Extremely honest and raw from your own experiences but also so applicable to many different situations. Incredibly practical but with undertones from the spiritual teachings. Thank you xx
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for picking up on the spiritual undertones !
@patriciaelwood7772
@patriciaelwood7772 Год назад
I love Johnson Chong's brilliant approach to toxic family contracts. He gives real hope to all those locked in static, frozen modes of behavior which don't actually serve anyone. Trying his method may well lead to real release of energy, understanding and eventually love of those also blocked on the other side of the cliff that they feel they cannot cross. Well done Johnson! As always, you bring a healing messages! You are a star!
@judithedwards6330
@judithedwards6330 Год назад
Unfreezing may be painful, but necessary..thank you so.much dear Johnson!
@sudenims5235
@sudenims5235 Год назад
Thank you for this talk. I get the gist of this…. Be who you are. Up until my late 50’s (I’m mid sixties now) I was the scapegoat of the family. And in my role as scapegoat I was the fixer too. Blamed for most dramas that others instigate, then spending an inordinate amount of my time and energy trying to make everything ok after. I didn’t wake up to the pattern until late 50’s. I’m mid sixties now. I learnt boundaries. I tried point 2 with my sis when she made her decision to not include my family in her wedding party (a bbq in a garden) . I did respect her decision but it made me so sad. I told her that in a kind way. She threw her toys out the pram. She could not and would not talk to me about it. I guess that jumped me straight to point 5. Though I did attend her wedding, I really didn’t want to but hid my feelings while there. (Still “fixing” things then) . Again she had every right , it was just the way it was done . Since then contact with my extended family has become less and less. It’s sad but best for my health. Even with the small amount of contact there’s dramas.again not instigated by me but I’m the one accused. The latest one..I didn’t budge on being me. My sister has said I’ve changed and she doesn’t like me now. That’s cause I no longer people please. But I’m tired of that world of unhealthy behaviours now and it feels alien to me .
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
You continue doing you. Thanks for sharing. And it’s a big thing to step out of the people pleasing role, even if you didn’t get their til your 50s. Great work. Keep it up. ❤
@OllieT123
@OllieT123 Год назад
Hi Sudenim, I resonate with your post! I was the scapegoat and fixer too. I am physically and emotionally exhausted of this role. My increasing age has made me stop this dysfunction. I don't want to be disrespected anymore. Plus they refuse to use and make light of my new pronouns. 😥
@sudenims5235
@sudenims5235 Год назад
@@OllieT123 I’m sorry you weren’t being respected Ollie. You are doing the right thing though. Life is simpler and more peaceful without the dramas. I love the saying..”be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” All the best.
@OllieT123
@OllieT123 Год назад
@@sudenims5235 Thank you!
@ShimmerBodyCream
@ShimmerBodyCream Год назад
5 step method of renegotiation Step 1: 8:37 hear the other person and acknowledge Step 2: say how you're really feeling Step 3: connect your stories - demonstrate without blame Step 4: 10:35 request for what you want in your relationship Step 5: 10:48 invite them to click agree
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for being the first person to take notes. 🙏let me know how it goes
@ShimmerBodyCream
@ShimmerBodyCream Год назад
Oh gosh, thank you, I didn't know you had a channel, wonderful advice. I actually wrote this down because I had shared this with all of my family and wanted them to click through. 😂
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@ShimmerBodyCream that’s so sweet of you.
@judyschaefer9609
@judyschaefer9609 Год назад
Thank you so much, Johnson! This is exactly what I need right now. Thank you for sharing both your technique and your own story. 💕
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for listening and for your comment 🙏
@maysgarden
@maysgarden Год назад
What an important topic and talk this is. I hope that TEDx keeps this available in their permanent library. We need more examples and Asian voices out there talking about these critical issues for mental health and our social well-being. It should not be that hard to love your family members and yet we've all grown up not having ideal "contracts" that respect who we are, and model love and acceptance. Love is Love is Love.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@Lexi_Con
@Lexi_Con Год назад
🎯❤️ Exactly!
@tessaellis7851
@tessaellis7851 Год назад
8th 8
@LonjeMarie7
@LonjeMarie7 Год назад
You are absolutely correct we need more videos from the Asian community and in my opinion other communities as well the super handsome gentleman made an excellent video This was very very well done
@bkrkis
@bkrkis Год назад
Your story is so powerful, as are the communication tools you've shared to help others navigate such painful territory and stay true to their authentic selves. Very inspiring!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating. 🙏
@helendoyle5921
@helendoyle5921 Год назад
Dearest johnson and Vicki! I am so sorry but at the same time so grateful for your sharing of your family trials. As I say what doesn't killyou makes you stronger!and you are beautiful my two favorite songs that get me through my rough times with my toxic family! You are wonderful and loved! Thank you! so much!🥰🤗
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating and for your support ❤
@aottevanger
@aottevanger Год назад
So bold and powerful. So much compassion and depth. Thank you for being brave
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching 🙏
@nicolasdelamotte-legrand7574
@nicolasdelamotte-legrand7574 9 месяцев назад
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! It helps me to get the last push of courage to address my perverse narcissistic mother and sister. I might loose all my family but the struggle isn't worth. I want to choose LIFE. Wonderful speech!!!!!
@chompunutasavaaree5488
@chompunutasavaaree5488 Год назад
Thank you. This is such a difficult topic but you beautiful spoken about it.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating with the topic. Keep sharing it so the idea can spread 🙏
@jonathansymonds2994
@jonathansymonds2994 Год назад
Wow! Johnson!!!! So so powerful! Your presence is so inspiring.
@Liale2011
@Liale2011 Год назад
This is one of the best TED talks I have listened to this far. Thank you for your thoughout delivery and excellent presentation.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for watching and for your kind words. Please keep sharing it to help spread the idea around the world. I appreciate you 🙏
@MardiMarche-gp6dz
@MardiMarche-gp6dz 11 месяцев назад
For even the first step to work your family has to even be willing to sit and talk, let alone listen. I'm glad this worked for him and maybe for others but certainly not for me.
@lorrainegnanadickam9919
@lorrainegnanadickam9919 Год назад
I love the focus on being true to you. It's quite difficult though to see the situation for what it is at first especially as you say when you think unconditional love is what your parents have for you (and they don't). Thanks for sharing, really powerful .
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Yes I agree. It’s always tough at first to see what’s happening when we are deep in it. We definitely need to create room for some space to become more objective if possible before engaging.
@denisejohnson7686
@denisejohnson7686 Год назад
There is a test for unconditional love: At any age, would your mother or father be willing to die for you?
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@@denisejohnson7686 I’m not sure that’s a question you’d have to ask them.
@xoxoniccimouse
@xoxoniccimouse Год назад
Unreal and so easily applied. Love this TED talk. Want to watch it every time I need to have a difficult conversation with someone I love. 🙏🙏🙏
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤
@resipio102
@resipio102 Год назад
Such great insight and I appreciate the 5 simples steps. Love the energy and great story telling of the author
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for watching. 🙏
@ferniejackson8300
@ferniejackson8300 Год назад
My heart goes out to you! I can not begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through as a youngster, being let down by your own father!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! You are a true warrior!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating with the talk.
@summydots
@summydots Год назад
I've been through the same. And I have a similar temperament & approach like you. I could instantly relate, thanks for putting it out there.
@michellenicoletolbert-plan3755
This is something I’ve been thinking through in the last year or so. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. 💕
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for sharing. Family contracts can be so challenging that’s for sure. I hope the talk have you some inspiration on how to approach what you’ve been thinking through.
@huhhuhboyboy
@huhhuhboyboy Год назад
thank you so much for sharing this, im sorry that things didnt work out between you and your family. im so thankful you shared this story. i was so scared to even think of separating from my family and was ready to surrender to their needs. i feel a lot more confident and aware of my feelings now. this was really great. thank you so much truly.❤
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for sharing. I am glad you’re feeling more confident now.
@squeeze1980
@squeeze1980 Год назад
Incredibly powerful. Will watch this over and over and share with friends. This will be so helpful to many, many people.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks so much for watching and for sharing the message 🙏
@AngelToraldo_
@AngelToraldo_ Год назад
This is one of my favourite Ted Talks.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks Angel I really appreciate that. What an honor 🙏
@LonjeMarie7
@LonjeMarie7 Год назад
It is definitely going to be one of mine as well a lot of videos I literally take notes we aren’t born with these type of life skills they have to be acquired on purpose such as awesome great videos like this one I learned so much it’s easy to react yell curse get depressed this is proactive and it gets the job done successfully peacefully
@WarriorGoddessFitness
@WarriorGoddessFitness Год назад
Omg! That was AMAZING Johnson. I didn't expect any less from you. Your steps were so clear and precise. You showed me a clear plan on how to approach all of the toxic relationships. Thank you for growing into the man that you are. You are such an inspiration. I truly admire and appreciate you sharing such a personal experience ❤️ .
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks Hollye for watching and connecting with the talk. I hope it helps you. Big hug to you. 🙏🌈
@TITOFROG1
@TITOFROG1 Год назад
Admire your bravery and honesty. Well spoken and thought out.
@kellyconroy3940
@kellyconroy3940 Год назад
I loved this TED talk. Looking forward to listening to more content from you.
@hannaisGOLDEN
@hannaisGOLDEN Год назад
Such a great talk Johnson! Thank you for sharing and inspiring 💛
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@susanshofer2114
@susanshofer2114 Год назад
This is an amazing talk. I have watched it many times and love it every time. It was great working with you!!!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks Susan for your comments. Happy holidays to you and happy 2023!
@mancahrovat9542
@mancahrovat9542 Год назад
This is so powerful❤ specially for sensitive emotional people to take such a corageous step and confront all the childhood trauma❤
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@oraliebordeaux
@oraliebordeaux Год назад
I feel this so much. Thank you for this wonderful tedtalk ❤
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and connecting 🙏
@melissakilleen2768
@melissakilleen2768 Год назад
Excellent I am adding this video to my psycho educational seminar at the treatment center I work at-Thanks Johnson!
@courtneybauer320
@courtneybauer320 Год назад
Johnson! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You speak with such depth, compassion and humor about topics that are so painful to face. You help us to take a good and honest look at the unspoken contracts we hold onto for centuries. You are Inspiring us to live life on our own terms. Thank you!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and connecting. 🙏
@amg5775
@amg5775 Год назад
LOVE LOVE LOVE! Totally relate to your message and thank you for sharing .
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and connecting with the topic.
@bondibeachstudio5753
@bondibeachstudio5753 Год назад
Really powerful topic, a powerful talk and powerful delivery
@gavinwalburgh8323
@gavinwalburgh8323 Год назад
This was brave and important and really thoughtfully put together, if I had a son even half as accomplished as you I would be super proud, it's his loss, luckily I get to have you in my life x
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for your comment Gav. Big hug to you ❤
@lynnecrystal7845
@lynnecrystal7845 Год назад
Beautifully shared path to resolving 'unsustainable family contracts' and accepting the outcome. Going through a process like this, as he says, will lead to no regrets because one tried everything possible to renegotiate the contract one was born into. True, the happy ending may be impossible because the other party is too rigid and stuck in the contract. That's sad and unfortunate. That one gets to live life as a complete person capable now of seeking fulfillment is the true and guaranteed happy ending.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
🙏yes, arriving at Wholeness as a journey for any relationship be it familial or otherwise is really the essence of spirituality. 🙏
@rekhagoudakulkarni1802
@rekhagoudakulkarni1802 Год назад
I needed this advice. Your talk brought me tears as I am currently dealing with this situation. Hope I get a courage to live separately from my parents as they are never willing to negotiate. Thank you
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for sharing. And a big hug to you while you’re going through the thick of it.
@annielanzillotto
@annielanzillotto Год назад
phenomenal. i wrote down the steps, and will implement calmly, and be courageous about letting go, where agreement is not possible. i've definitely compromised way too much and stayed in relationships at the cost of great pain.. Thank you Johnson for your hard earned wisdom
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for watching Annie and for writing the steps down. I hope they serve your highest self well ❤❤❤
@LonjeMarie7
@LonjeMarie7 Год назад
Me too
@samme1024
@samme1024 Год назад
Thank you!!!!! You cannot imagine how helpful this is for me.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for sharing. I am glad it helped you. 🌈🙏
@Wandertheworldwithme
@Wandertheworldwithme Год назад
Powerful talk. Thank you for the steps.
@verenawiesheu9824
@verenawiesheu9824 Год назад
Everyone should listen to this at least once, I’ve taken some very important lessons at tools out of your talk Johnson , thank you for sharing your personal journey xx
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic❤
@meredithburns7651
@meredithburns7651 Год назад
Love this! Such an important and rarely discussed topic.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for connecting and resonating with the topic 🙏
@mickyeverton
@mickyeverton Год назад
Great Delivery!! Many Thanks, Peace From London. 🙏🙏🙏
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for watching and for resonating 🙏
@lucyphilips3443
@lucyphilips3443 Год назад
Beautifully put ! Thank you! ✨🙏🏼❤️
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching. Keep sharing it to spread the idea 🙏
@sarah_r
@sarah_r Год назад
A message everyone needs to hear. Love the communication tools too!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
❤❤❤
@ladymarycrawley6613
@ladymarycrawley6613 Год назад
inspiring and articulate! ❤️ So glad to have chanced on this
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching❤
@kpopstan7520
@kpopstan7520 Год назад
Thank you for this talk. Something that I really needed.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
I am happy you connected with it. ❤
@karlcuster7111
@karlcuster7111 Год назад
How wonderful for you, Johnson. Congratulations and thank you for sharing.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thank you for watching ❤
@kathleenchan2600
@kathleenchan2600 Год назад
This so powerful. Thanks for sharing Johnson!!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching 🙏
@evegiet1702
@evegiet1702 Год назад
Bravo Johnson !!! A pleasure to hear and see you 💙Very interesting and really great talk !
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for resonating ❤
@Soulflowz
@Soulflowz Год назад
Makes COMPLETE LOGICAL sense , THANK YOU 🙏🏾 Love & Appreciation to All
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@mpundee2442
@mpundee2442 Год назад
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us I needed to hear this🙏
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating with the topic 🙏
@yichunng1572
@yichunng1572 Год назад
Interesting way of looking at “contracts” and totally practical and heartfelt tips on how to navigate through toxic relationships by borrowing its concepts.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤
@stinkytofu5616
@stinkytofu5616 Год назад
This would be a wonderful tool if the family involved were capable of processing and acknowledging emotion.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Everyone definitely has their own capacities based on their cultural upbringing, their personal histories, etc. However, the process of requesting is more for one to step into the truth of what they want and to request it. The inability to process from the other party, is an opportunity for them to learn and grow. And they cannot learn and grow, if they are not challenged with another's emotional experience which contrasts their own capacity.
@judithedwards6330
@judithedwards6330 Год назад
Yes..oftentimes the family.member.may. not be capable, and live in a bubble of self-righteous ness...
@denisejohnson7686
@denisejohnson7686 Год назад
@@judithedwards6330 Or fear.
@oscarswain3238
@oscarswain3238 Год назад
Thanks my man, such a great speech, took notes, appreciate it!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and taking notes
@bobbykhanna6031
@bobbykhanna6031 Год назад
Wow... much needed message. Thank you for this TEDx talk Johnson!
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
@Chelseycam
@Chelseycam Год назад
Amazing Johnson, thank you for sharing xx
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching Chelsey 🙏
@ugonnemonemeh2048
@ugonnemonemeh2048 Год назад
These steps are powerful and rejuvenating messages. Thank you for sharing, Johnson.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and resonating.
@ariairida
@ariairida 2 месяца назад
That was super helpful. Thank you ❤
@tylahbosch3763
@tylahbosch3763 Год назад
I needed this advice, thank you💓
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching ❤
@doreenleow7271
@doreenleow7271 Год назад
Simply loving your talk, Johnson! Thanks for sharing and tips on negotiating once again. You are one of those awesome teachers whom l have met in my journey. Namaste 🌈🙏🕉 May you always be loved, blissful and blessed.
@johnsonchong2093
@johnsonchong2093 Год назад
Thanks for watching and for connecting with the message ❤
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