Grief and Guilt Feelings 

Together Guilt and Grief create the perfect storm! This video highlights some of the complications Guilt can create in your Grief! Please try my three tips to address the guilt in your Grief!! 🙏 💞

We lost our 34 year old son about 6 months ago. Grieving is so painful as we feel his loss and feel guilt over things I wish we did and things I tried to convince him to do regarding his health. This is a good video because it's true. I think the only way to combat grief and guilt is through positive thoughts. We need to focus on the good things and not the things that cause pain. It's not easy to do at all. Thoughts always navigate to pain somehow. I hope the cliche "time heals all wounds" is true, but I never feel like this will heal - I think we can only find ways to cope.

Three months ago the night before my twenty third birthday. My father passed away. I was with him for his last breath in this realm. He was 57. I am sad that I am only this age and now have to walk with out my papa. and my sister losing him at 19. I know as people keep telling me he will watch us go through life and celebrate us from the clouds. But I can’t help the little girl that wanted to be with his physical body for longer as I’m just beginning my adult life. My daddy was the one who cooked and gave me any sense of nurture. I will love and be inspired forever by his purity. Gonna give the letter approach a shot LOVE TO ALL GRIEVING AND READING this

My husband of 45 years passed away July 7th this year and I am being eaten up with guilt,I feel I could have done more to help him.😢

Yes! I lost my son to cancer 7 months ago. And I feel tremendous guilt. I am hos mother. I was supposed to protect him. Get him healthy but he died...thank you for your time making this video. It definitely helps me. I am sorry for all you here who lost someone wonderful.

Thank you for the examples you gave. I live in a sea of guilt since my husband of 32 years died: all I wish I had said or done, or I wish I hadn't done. The guilt is almost worse than the grief, and that's extreme. He was my world. I'm so sorry about everything. I'd give my life to have him back 5 minutes. No one understands and it is so HARD.

Thank you. I have been consumed by guilt and despair, unable to sleep, for over four months -- following the wrongful death (medical malpractice) of my most beloved parent. Your words have provided a moment of relief, and the understanding and clarity I have sought.

I’m suffering so much. I don’t know how I’m going to survive. I just wish that I could go back in time. I feel so alone 😞😞😞😞😞

Yes, I have so much guilt because my husband had an illness that lasted many years. I got so tired, and I wasn’t always kind. He had a rare neurological disease and there was no treatment. He suffered terrible, and so did I. I supported him day and night, but sometimes I couldn’t cope, and I wasn’t nice. I needed rest but there was no one to help me - no one. Now I am alone with my terrible grief. I can have as much rest as I want, but I don’t want it, I JUST WANT HIM BACK. He was the most wonderful person I ever knew, and my life feels that it’s over. I just want the end to come.

I love this I lost my dad a year ago and I wasn’t with him. He was in Greece and I had visited two and a half weeks before he died. I returned to England for work but couldn’t go to work. I should have gone back. I constantly think about him. The situation was complex but I will never forgive myself. I am not yet ready to write that letter as I feel it would kill me. I abandoned him and I can’t imagine forgiving myself ever. I do move forward in a different way. My understanding of everything has deepened and I focus on what I feel is important now. But I am looking forward to death to find peace. I am so grateful for such generous beings who offer these beautiful kind videos. And I wish peace and love everyone who finds themselves seeking such support. Thank you thank you thank you.

I lost my husband to Covid 2years ago and still have not been able to deal with guilt of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. Guilt of not realizing how sick he was. The trauma of bringing separated from him for over 30 days in the hospital still causes daily anxiety and depression.

Yes. I am often overwhelmed with guilt it comes in waves. While I was with my wife of 55 years when she passed, I feel like I should have done something more to save her.

Yes. I find it hits me at any time like a freight train. To be human and not perfect is a very hard weight to bear at times.

Yes. I feel very guilty that I didn't see the signs and do more to prevent my husband's death. I read once that you should change the "if only" to "even if..."

Yes, I feel guilty that I didn't go back home more to see my mother. We spoke every day on the phone, but I regret losing all of those years of being with her. Especially her senior years. I feel guilty for not staying the night at the hospital the night she died, even though our family was given hope that she would be able to get treatment. She told us to go home. I should have stayed anyway. The nurses said she died in her sleep, and that is comforting, but she died alone and that is eating me up inside.

I would give anything to take this heavy guilt away. I find myself having panic attacks and screaming. I don’t know what to do. My mind and body are exhausted 😢

Yes. I am plagued by guilt about my husband’s death. It overwhelms me.

I feel so much grief. I wish I could have done more to save my mother. I miss her so much.

29 years old and I lost my mom recently. I feel guilty for what I was like with her sometimes. Moody, irritated and stubborn. She had COPD and I could've had a way better attitude towards, how my heart breaks. I remember she wanted a fish tank that my neighbor had and I'd sigh and roll my eyes because he was never there every time I went over for It. God. I hate that now. I'm so sorry mom. Truthfully, I would have given her my health If It meant extending her life.

when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, i was a moody teenager, always feeling angry. i was 13, in the middle of it all...i would choose to spend time in my room playing games instead of talking to him when he was in bed, already unable to get up. i would get annoyed when he yelled at me to get him medicine because he was in pain. the second he passed, its like a switch was turned in me and i was overwhelmed with guilt. im 15 now and ive had dreams of seeing his death again and apologizing to him but nothings enough. i feel so horrible..i really miss my dad.

My mother recently passed away. Granted my mother had a lot of health issues, But I used to get in to political arguments with my brother. And this would stress her out. One time I could not bite my tongue and swallow my pride and I had to respond back and add a few oppinions. The timing was right there when she started decliining. She was having trouble sleeping and her blood pressure was out of control. I can't help but think that if I had just swallowed my pride, she would not have declined like that. I took for granted that time was limited. I should have swallowed my pride for her sake.

Yes,I was not with her when she passed at hospice,she died at 6:30 am,and I never neared the phone. She was in hospice for a rest for me I had some medical issues I was taking care of and the morning she died I was coming that day to bring her home. I feel so guilty

Thank you for this. However, as a Man and a disabled Combat veteran (I am a former Army Green Beret). that is currently involved with a recent widow. I feel that I must say this--it both saddens and angers me that a woman will let Grief and Guilt rob them of what Life truly has to offer them. I am right here, right now and she does not even see me.

Yes guilt has played a part in my grief. Thank you for this. I often write letters to my mother and even talk to her because I know although she is not here physically, she will always be present spiritually.

Guilt is my constant companion. I did not take my phone to bed and did not hear the message from my son. His last message after he took an overdose. I will never recover from this guilt

Dear Jo, thank you for addressing the issue of guilt and for doing this with compassion and wisdom. There are so many layers and sources for guilt. As you mentioned much of it is likely irrational. But guilt can be real and difficult to deal with for some. I am overwhelmed with real and profound guilt following my mother’s death as a result of several medical errors which resulted in my mother’s immense pain and suffering and an unnatural and early death. I failed to protect my mother and I failed to realize her pain as she was unable to vocalize this and doctors we consulted not only made poor judgements and instituted harmful treatments, they also failed to detect her pain. In addition, in the periods she was in nursing homes, she was physically abused, suffering fractures. That I am a doctor myself amplifies this guilt, that I should have known better, done my due diligence, protected my mother from harm and ensured for her a life of comfort, joy and free of pain. I failed completely. I have asked my mother for forgiveness, short of writing a letter. But the reply I imagine would be one of my mother crying to me about the pain she endured and how she tried in so many ways to tell me she was in pain and I failed to see. I am suffering indescribable guilt, severe depression, anger and have lost all interest in life and work. All I can do is ask for forgiveness everyday of my life. But I am unable to forgive myself.

My partner passed away from brain cancer in April 2022 . I was at the hospice with him for 5 days and nights . I promised myself I would be there until his last breath . I missed this because I nodded off for 10 minutes , when I woke he had passed. I feel so much guilt because off this .

I was not with my husband when he passed away. He was in a nursing home. It was 2:00 am and I'm still feeling guilt.

I lost my husband of 32 years 6 months ago. Everybody who knew us family members , relatives, our doctor , neighbours every person I have just mentioned tell me I did all I could and I was caring for my husband extremely well and nobody could have done what I did but I still feel guilty and believe I should have done more.

Yes i didn't do enough before my parents died i been stuck in 6 months questioning myself

Yes... I just loss my Dad 3 days ago. I can not sleep I don't feel like eating I am truly feeling guilty that I did not understand how sick he was. I live in another state but just 28 hours on a bus I could have been here with him. I made it here just a day before. I can not stop seeing him struggle he was beyond being able to forgive me and my siblings cries break my heart and repeat in loop. My guilt I feel I deserve...

This is exactly what I needed to hear! It’s like it was created especially for me!

Thanks for the excellent tips, I have felt guilty that I should have not been doing housework the moment my Wife choked on her own saliva due to very advanced ALS that in the end caused pneumonia. Another part of the guilt was that although I was my Wife’s constant carer through her ALS I did not get to say good bye to her that day due to her being unconscious. 😢

Yes

Thank you. I run a grief support group. This is exactly what a few members talked about today. Thank you. I will send this on to them.

Thank you for this. I wish i would have heard this 2 years ago, but i can only start where i am.

Jo...you are helping so many people...myself included...accepting a loss of a loved one. Naturally, I want to give you a "hug of gratitude" for your care and your help.

"Anyway" The word "Anyway", is the pathway, to master guilt. Use it as a bridge, to become what you want to overcome. Because when you become, what you want to overcome, you overcome what you want to become. "Anyway" begins as being consciously unconscious and being unconsciously conscious. The simple, hard truth is that it's often difficult to integrate, when you have to carry the heavy burden of it. That's why it's good to go slowly with it. How to slowly go into cold water. You can even expand your comfort zone. Enter suffering willingly. If you willingly enter into suffering, you purify yourself of it. Because only if you can face the suffering, you can change it. The courage to be strong is the shield against the manipulative fears that attack you. Nevertheless, being strong and not letting yourself be manipulated, is the courage to be strong. A sacrifice for love, is a sacrifice worth dying for. We don't have to undo the things we do wrong or have done wrong in life. We die for it and thus sacrifice ourselves for love. Die for your negative qualities and live for your positive qualities. This is the sacrifice and salvation of the human spirit. Positive and negative imprints in the early days largely determine who we are. Some are positive and some are negative. However, the negative imprints can be overwritten. And how something begins only determines one's own end, the old experience and not the next new beginning of the new experience. We find new ways to leave old ways. This is how we find salvation. The guilt we feel is the one that enslaves us. Only when we also remember our innocence, are we free at the same time. I'm Sorry For many years I carried a deep sense of guilt with me. Which has shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized for something to a person. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself for many years. Until I realized that the only one I really had to apologize to, was myself. I have tortured myself, the most. So every day I apologize to myself for what I've done to myself. This is how I find my innocence; that I once lost, again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my feelings of guilt. And so I don't do anything to others either. Because I am at peace with myself and therefore with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you feel guilty about yourself. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts sorrow. And apologizing takes away sorrow. Master the guilt and regret by becoming one with it in a way that all resistance to it is accepted and integrated. Because guilt and regret are qualities of a good heart. To finally be free, apologize to yourself and so integrate the guilt and regret. The solution to every problem is the problem itself. It came into existence and it will not leave you. However, the point of view changes, from a different perspective. This is how problems, become solutions. No bad deed will ever be forgotten by the conscience. Treasure those bad deeds. They remind you, that you have not forsaken your humanity. The patterns within us lead us like marionettes, on threads. Patterns are stuck resistances that can bring you a lot of suffering. Because if we fight them, we fight ourselves. The way out of the pattern, is therefore not possible, as a marionette in resistance. We can only become one with the patterns and resistances as a marionette and thus pull ourselves, by the strings. Because in order to overcome something, you have to become one with it. It is the shift from the receiver within, to the creator within. Therefore I am not afraid. I am fear. I'm not in the dark, I am the dark. I don't project evil. I am evil. I am not suffering. I am the suffering. I don't feel guilty. I am guilt. This is the way of overcoming. Become it, overcome it. At the same time, the patterns still exist. We have evil in us, that accuses the other evil in us. Evil accuses the other evil, as evil. And evil, that evil, accused of being evil, does not itself believe to be evil? Isn't the evil that accuses other evils of being evil, not evil in itself? If you really seek good, you will not find it in condemnation. When you realize that the condemned in you, is also the judge, then you can choose to drop the judgement. The important thing is to look within yourself, for if you had the intention to harm someone, before you start blaming yourself, for creating something, that was not even in your control. And you will see that there is nothing to regret. Because the intention counts. To get out of something, you have to go in. This is how you free yourself and at the same time, consciously, keep yourself captive. Because the paradoxical opposites, carry the respective opposites within themselves. This is the way out and the way in. Pain is strength in disguise waiting, to be revealed. The reaction determines the content. Whether something is good or bad is ultimately decided in your own mind. It doesn't live in anything or anywhere, but in your own mind's response to something. When you shift your perception of something in a more lovable way, even the worst on earth can become the best on earth.

The great movie Ordinary People helped me stay alert to the guilt trap.

I lost my best friend and I feel guilty that I didn't have the power to help her. She escaped reality and life by staying in bed...probably 18 - 20 hrs. a day. She had numerous medications for sleeping, anxiety, depression, etc. I warned her of mixing and overloading on meds. She assured me that she and her doctors had "everything under control. Without an autopsy we won't know for sure what caused her to die. She gave up on life...and stayed in bed for hours...on meds. She was my best friend. I wish I could have saved her. We lived 1-1/2 hrs. away but talked virtually every day. I haven't suffered like this since 2006.

Yes I feel that if I was more financially stable my son wouldn't have never got the idea to hustle.

Yes, I feel this so much!! It’s been year and a half and it goes with me every day.

I lost my Father to when I was 12. I lost my Mother when I was 30 and I lost my older Brother Ronny less than 7 months ago. I am now 67. He was 79. I experienced guilt over each of their deaths. Grief and Guilt do indeed go together

I feel full of gjlt so awfull and no one to talk to has all my .Good friends are not hear any more just feel hope less lost

Yes the letter I’m gonna write to my mother who I lost to a brain tumour 😢 🙏 love and prayers to everyone who’s feeling loss of a loved one xxx

Thanks so much Jo, my guilt over losing my love unexpectedly and feeling I should have been able to prevent her death has been overwhelming. Your presentation is so helpful and well delivered. Sending love to You, and Blessings to all who are dealing with this situation...

Just lost my husband to prostate cancer. And yes, grief and guilt set in...😢

I have guilt , I have had to make the decision twice to take my loved ones off life support. I feel the 1st one was murder, the 2nd didnt ask enough questions to doctor .

Yes! I hold a lot of guilt in many of my losses! I still go back to this guilt and need to talk myself through it. I have never thought of writing a letter, I might try this to help elevate some of the guilt I hold.

Yes, we had an argument with my husband before he killed himself. I feel tremendous guilt.

YES

My mum died 3 weeks ago and I can't shift the feeling of guilt as I live in a different country. I'm now regretting all the desicions I made years ago...

Your three tips are so helpful. Thank you for this video.

Yes. Guilt.

Yes❤

My best and only friend of 10 years of my life didn't died (i hope so), but she did just abandoned me for various complex reasons and problems that happened throught our entire relationship, which I am partly guilty for. There was so much pain and harm done by both of us to each other. It was mostly because I am mentaly ill and neurodivergent (seriouse case of BPD) But it is still my fault, and my guilt. But it can not be said that she wasn't guilty for that at all, her guilt was at least 50/50 as mine, if not bigger. But it doesn't change the fact that I am still guilty as well. This video at least calmed me down, which is very important to me right now, so, thank you ❤ What should I do about that type of guilt?

Yes - huge for me

Almost everything you have said in this video rings true I sat, I held her hand I laughed with him I begged to let me save her, I keep seeing what I could have done better I but it was good to listen to it as it brought emotion to the surface which has been hiding, I need to feel the loss not be distracted or toxically positive. Thank you for your wisdom I am glad I have stumbled across this page better than any of the useless phone services the hospitals gave me. Oh, and yes, the email is an alias it's just a protective thing but I am genuine Thank you

Yes.... devastating.

Yes 💔

Yes, I wish I hadn't left her side at the hospital.

My grief always leads me to guilt. I appreciate the 3 helpful tips you provided, dealing with my loved one’s death has been very difficult and probably always will be since I lost her.

Jo, Thank you. Irene from Indiana.

I love your words. Thank you. Guilt comes up at the strangest times for me. A letter sounds like a wonderful way to acknowledge the forever love I have for my son.

Yes, it has alot, I wasn't there enough with him,when he was ill,couldn't see him when he died., comes to me a lot.

Thank you.

Thank you so much i feel so much guilt for what i should have done for my 7 kittens that are gone and i don't know if it because im guilty or it is a way my brain think.You help me realize that there is much more than my own grief

yes…

This is brilliant. Thank you

Thank you for your kind words, kind thoughts, and kind heart. Death and grief are people generally feel awkward and In ept in speaking about.

I don’t think I could get through this without your help, Jo. Everything you say is so apposite. I torture myself by wondering if I did thinks right, did I sit beside Mary enough. Yes, it’s not a platitude but she passed away beside me in bed and I closed her eyes. I failed her. If only I could have done more for her. I vowed to her I would always be beside her. But what good did it do. She slipped out of my grasp and left. The only close relative is her daughter who has her own strategies. Never contacts me. That one of them. I do miss her so much. Your are my lighthouse at the moment, dear lady. Bless you.

Thank you this is such a generous sharing

Thank you for this message. My adult son died in April after dealing with medical problems for 28 years. I was responsible for getting him to his doctor appointments and refilling his prescriptions. I feel an incredible amount of guilt over his treatment thinking if it was my youngest child would I have done more. Brian was the oldest and I didn't give him all the love I seemed to have given to my youngest.

Yes.

I've had so much guilt in grieving both parents. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack in September 2021. My grief for him was put on hold while I cared for my mother who had dementia. She died of end stage Alzheimer's 15 months after my dad in December 2022. Now I have guilt about each death as I grieve both losses. I wonder what did I miss when I saw Dad the day before his death? Was he aware of anything being wrong? He died alone in his apartment in the middle of the night. Did he know what was happening? I hope he went so quickly that he didn't. It still makes me cry to think that he died alone. He died around 3am Wednesday. We did not find out he'd died until 10pm Thursday! He had no emergency contact in the office at the apartment complex. My brother found out when the coroner called him in Denver, CO to ask where to send the body! We still had no idea what had happened. Dad and the rest of us were in Savannah, GA. I know the whole mess was not in any of our control, but I still have guilt about it. I became my mother 's full time caregiver at the end of 2020 when she was diagnosed with dementia. As much as I did I always wonder what did I miss? or what could I have done better? I have guilt for not having the hospice nurse put in the order for morphine so it would be there when it was needed. I waited too long and Mom died. I'll never know if it would have helped to calm her those last couple of days when she got restless. Last thing I wanted was for her to suffer. If she wasn't okay neither was I. I may attempt the letter.

Yes, I have guilt - he took that bad fall when I left him alone in his room.

I lost my dad 18 months ago and I have sooooo much guilt about the circumstances and wishing I could have done more. I purchased a diary called "Letters to my dad in Heaven" in which I was able to personalize with his name. It has brought me so much more peace to write to him and tell him all the things I need to say. I got mine on Etsy and they have many others for anyone that you could loose, sister, brother, husband, wife, son, daughter etc.. I hadn't thought about writing a letter back to myself, that would be interesting. Maybe I'll try that. Thanks so much for this video! 💔❤‍🩹

Yes. Guilt is part and parcel of most of my grief experiences, if not all of them. I love your three suggestions. I did write a lot of letters after my Dad died - and I did an exercise which is very similar to the one where we imagine what they would write in response. It was very helpful.

Thank you so much! This truly is so helpful. I lost my cat 2 days ago and I couldn't stop feeling guilty about it. Thank you for the tips, they are helpful.

I really like the letter idea! My father-in-law, who was a Dad to me, had a hearing problem so it was difficult to share my feelings with him before he passed in palliative care. I feel very guilty for not doing that so I’m going to write those feelings down in a letter. I hope it will also be comforting to write back what I think he would have said in response to my letter.

Yes!

Thank you for these videos. One of my major struggles is that my guilt is half-rational and half-irrational: I fed my beloved dog Frank a premium brand of fresh pet food in the interests of his health. It gave him a fatal bacterial infection. It is painful to accept this but I keep reminding myself that this horrible twist of fate was not within my knowledge or power to anticipate at the time, and I was acting out of love for him and my best intentions.

Yes. It has

Yes....

Thank you

Yes it has

I ruminate and guilt, i of course wished i could of saved him 😢

YES VERY MUCH SO

Yes I felt I could have done more was not with my husband when he passed did not get to hospital in time!!!

Yes, I lost my partner to drugs and alchol. I felt guilty for not spending the night with him when he passed away later that morning. It is a good idea to write a letter to him. I already keep a journal of this. Thanks.

❤❤❤

Thanks Jo. I just suffered a bereavement and guilt has definitely been the overriding raw emotion in the days since. I appreciate your compassion and your techniques for processing this. I will definitely try them. Take care. Pete xo

Yes absolutely

Your videos soothe and calm my mind. Thank you for sharing Jo.

Thank you so much for your care, wisdom. I do pass these teachings on to others who are grieving, I will write these letters.

Hi Jo. I just wanted to thank you so much for being my daily companion on this journey. After watching many videos about grieving, I find yours different in the sense that they are helpful, concrete (straight to the point) and informative, but also kind and warm. Thank you and God bless you.

Your voice is so soothing..thanks for the tips

Yes, absolutely. I feel responsible, my husband killed himself. I am horrible. He's gone, because of me

YES ….my husband died at our home in hospice (his wish) I have rear view guilt about some of the traumatic moments of the downward spiral of his dying & his fear & begging me to not let him die…this video resonated deeply…I hope I can use your tips….big gratitude…✨🦋✨

I’ve list my wife from cancer two years ago I always feel every day that I could’ve did more to help save her One more change in her diet one more visit to the cancer center maybe try a different treatment method one more of those I just feel I could did more