Growing Up Asexual | Story Time 

*me realising that all of my ‘crushes’ are just people who I thought were cool and want to be friends with* oh. That’s why I had so many ‘crushes’

Omg picking who you have a crush on. I'm laughing so hard because I always did this too. "Oh, he's ginger. Ginger hair is super cool. I'll have a crush on him I guess." Whenever my friends would get into drama because they liked the same person, I always wondered why one of them couldn't just....decide to stop liking them. XD

I thought that a crush was wanting to be friends with someone.

Haha randomly designating someone as your crush because 'they're not terrible I guess??' is so relatable

Yeah, I always thought romantic attraction is like: "Oh, I like that guy. He's good looking and nice. I want to spend time with him. Maybe it would be nice to live with him." So I didn't really think it was a choice, but I understood it the wrong way. I also thought everyone was a bit exaggerating, or that the others had these feelings a bit stronger. But I remember when I thought I had a crush I was exaggerating and acting more dramatic than I actually felt. When I imagined my relationship, the word sex didn't even come into my mind. But later I realized that my partner would want that, but I didn't like that imagination. Until a few months I thought I was a late bloomer and I thought "when I'll be in love, I'll want sex". Then I discovered the term asexual. xD I'm not sure, but I think I never had a crush. But I think I want something like a relationship, so am I cupioromantic? Edit: I identify as quoiromantic now, because no matter how much I think about it, I can't categorize my feelings. But I want a romantic relationships with specific persons, does that count as romantic attraction, even if I never had crushes?

To me, there were two ways how I got my crushes: "Did you hear that Mike likes you?" "Oh, he likes me? Then I should propably like him back..." Or "Lisa is so nice to me... I guess I have a crush on her." It was like a game to me. You find a crush, and you try to make them like you too. And one time, I got the "game" to the end. I confessed I had a "crush" on them, and they had a crush on me. But what to do then? I didn't like all those holding hands and cuddling things. So we broke up after two days of being together. I don't really count it as a relationship, and they don't either, so I always say I haven't dated, if someone asks me. And that's how I found out I'm aromantic. I already knew I was asexual, so... I just am like this, I guess :3

When I was 10 I thought I had a crush on a boy but I actually just wanted to talk about Ancient Egypt with him and get better grades than him bc he was usually the best student in class and I was second best. On my last certificate of primary school I actually surpassed him lol. It was kind of disappointing to find out crushes are usually not about being in a competition with someone ngl.

I figured out I was ace my junior year when my friends were all talking about sex and how they were excited to do it and wanted to lose their virginity by the end of high school and I’m just sitting there uncomfortably and thinking “....I’m supposed to be excited about this??” I was so shocked!!

I’ve literally never dated in my life and I really don’t plan to ever, really. It’s cool to hear about other people who don’t have everything figured out.

The theatrical belief is exactly how it was with me. It wasn't until I was 18 that I realized one day, "holy shit, sexual attraction is a real thing. Like actually a real thing." And it all just went from there. The crushes thing is very interesting to me because I definitely also put myself somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. And really the only reason I'm still a little on the fence about labeling myself in that manner is because I think I really like the IDEA of romance. And I did have what I would consider to be crushes from a young age. (Not so much anymore.) But any romantic feelings would disappear pretty quickly as soon as I started to really get to know the person.

Yes! I thought that’s how crushes worked too! In second or third grade I literally looked at every boys last name and tried them with my own first name until I found one I liked. Then I doodled his name in my notebook and waited for the feelings to come. Ugh, I cringe looking back. Not to mention my 6th grade “boyfriend” which lasted for about a 2 week period in which we told each other we loved each other then broke up because it was so awkward

I had to laugh through much of this story because of how very similar to my experience it is. I’d wager I’m quite a bit older than a lot of the commenters here, so when I was growing up, there was no tumblr and no one was talking about asexuality as an orientation. I realized very early on that I did not feel the way my friends did about boys and crushes and such. I “decided” I liked a boy at age 10 because he was nice to me and had a cute face, and I needed to have SOMETHING to report when my girl friends demanded answers about which boys everyone liked. I began having “crushes” in a purely emotional and aesthetic sense, as you so aptly put it, in middle school, and just to complicate matters even further, it was mostly on other girls and maybe two or three boys in all of my school years, heh. And I spoke to NO ONE about this, because the only conversation anyone knew how to have at that point was “if you’re not 100% straight, you must be gay.” So I spent about 14 years being very confused and ashamed, but also very aware that I was different than just “gay” or “straight.” And since there was no such thing as asexual in any kind of public discourse, I was quietly convinced that I was just broken, and maybe this was a result of childhood trauma. I saw a documentary in my mid-20’s about asexuality as an orientation, and it was a literal epiphany moment. All of my confusion and shame began to fall away once I understood that I’m not broken, I’m just different, and there wasn’t anything wrong with that. I’m very glad that younger asexuals these days have actual resources and people to reach out to and talk about this, because it was rough trying to figure it out and hide it by myself for so many years. Sorry this was so long-winded. I just have a lot of thoughts, haha. XD

You guys know this is actually aromantic, right? Aces can have romantic feelings and relationships but no desire to express them sexually.

My story is a little different but the feelings are the same (I didn't realize I was ace until I got into the situation where people have sex and I was like wait I don't actually want this I just thought I did because that's what everyone else wants)

These tales are always so interesting as I'm an autocorrisexual ace and always have experienced powerful romantic and aesthetic-based attraction when I've had crushes on people. I only realised I was asexual when I got into a romantic relationship, got up to a certain point and realised oh dear I don't care about physically having sex whatsoever. Despite the other kinds of attraction I have to someone, it turns out that I don't experience sexual attraction, despite being passionately romantically interested in another person. C'est la vie.

What a relatable story. I totally had the same experience of feeling like people were just "putting it on" when it came to sex and relationships. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it haha

I didn't hear the term asexual until I was in college and it still took me a couple of years to really accept that it was a real thing that I actually was. I always had this feeling like 'I'm just a late bloomer, I'll be interested in boys (or relationships in general) when I'm older, etc.". When being "older" started to mean 30s and 40s, I had to wake up and face the reality that it was never going to happen. I also had the belief that all of the relationship and dating stuff in middle school was all theatrics, and it actually led to an uncomfortable argument with my closest friend. I don't think any of us knew asexuality was even a thing back then and I really wish we had because I feel like I would have been far more understanding if that'd been the case.

I remember in 8th grade- 60% off my classmates were dating at that time, people had already lost their v card and I was sitting there like. Heh. Nice weather we got here. So one day after school I went to a friend's house with another classmate and they wanted to play truth or dare (I still don't get why everybody is so obsessed w that game) and then it was my turn and they asked me who my crush was (they didn't even let me pick, I would've chosen dare) and I told them I didn't have one. They refused to believe me because as a 13y/o girl I *had* to have a crush on someone. They wouldn't stop digging and I just said a random guys name. This guy used to 'have a crush on me' from 1st to 6th grade, plus he wasn't really popular so I knew no one else liked him so I thought he'd be a good choice. They told him without me knowing. He told everyone. I actually got bullied for that lmao And when I tried to tell everyone that it was a joke and I didn't really like him they didnt believe me. And that guy actually had the balls to ask me if I still loved him 6 months later and when I said that I never did he didn't believe me, again. After about a year they finally stopped but after that I chose to never pretend to have a crush on someone (at that time I thought I was a lesbian btw)

This is a very interesting story I have never had a crush and I went to a mixed school the only way I heard the term asexual was when it came to plants I only realized I was asexual when I found your channel I could relate to everything you said thank you Amelia

I also thought it was all about theatrics. What really didn't help with people believing my though, was that I was born an actor. So I very easily acted the part of someone who liked a person. I never really felt any emotion with it. It was just like a fun performance that for some reason, everyone kept up. After a while I started to realize that people ACTUALLY felt feelings with it. I still didn't have my first crush until I was 13-14. I laugh at myself now at how obvious it was but that it took me about a year to finally realize I liked her.

I forgot I totally did this too! When I was about 9, I picked out a boy from my class who I would talk to from time to time as my “crush” when my terrible friend kept harassing me about telling her who I liked. I kept telling her I didn’t have one and she kept saying “you gotta have one! EVERYONE has one”. 14 years later and I realize I’m asexual panromantic.

So much of this hits close to home with me. I chose my first "crush" at 12 when i was sleeping over at my best friends house(i slept over at his house pretty much every saturday night from 11 to 14). I chose her for a lot of the same reasons you chose crushes, she was nice, smart, and i sat next to her in 4 of my classes. Of course i made the mistake of telling another one of my friends and he told everyone, a mistake i never made again with him. That incident ended when she did one of the coolest things ive ever been a part of. Sitting in class one day(my teachers always sat me in the back), the person in front of me making fun of me for liking her(not worrying that she was sitting right next to me). Then he asks where im taking her for a date. She says we are having a romantic dinner,and seeing Titanic(this was when it was in theaters, yes im old). His jaw drops, looks at me, and i just wink at him. Everyone stopped talking about us after that. For the next few years, all my friends got so girl crazy, and i was just so confused as to why. I grew up with very conservative christian parents, so at the time i thought i was just being a good christian boy, and not giving into the horrible sin of sexual desire. The only good thing is that most of my friends were so inept at actually talking to girls, so my lack of girlfriend, or even dating, went unnoticed. I was in kids choirs from at 7, which are mostly girls, so i always had great friendships with girls my age, unlike my other friends. When i was 17, and doing the school musical for the first time, i had my first crush. Nothing would have happened if she wasnt completely obsessed with me first, or if she wasnt the prefect person for me to meet at that time. And i only started liking her after i got to know her, and it was 2 months of spending pretty much all our free time together, that i actually noticed that she was good looking(though that never mattered to me). Nothing ever happened between us(thats a much longer story). But she was the reason why i started dating a mutual friend almost a year later. That ended badly 2 years later, partly because i was asexual/aromantic, though there were other things. A week after the break up, i really felt so much better, and started to seriously question so many things about myself. Sadly it was another 5 years before i even heard about asexuality. I would have killed to know about it when i was younger, but since AVEN only started when i was 15, it was extremely unlikely that i would have discovered it then.

It’s nice to hear other people’s stories mine was kinda boring I literally could not give a shit and my friends relationship drama was tedious after a while I was already aware of lgbt ids and followed a few lgbt RU-vidrs and that’s where i heard asexual it really fit me and i started to id as asexual I then found out about ace pride rings and did some more research into ace and aro terms and information I then started to come out to a few people all of whom were lgbt as i knew they would understand For a time line I found out about asexual in yr8 came out for the first time in yr 9 and in yr 11 I finally came out to my mum I’m not out to the rest of my family but its chill I never really did the whole fake/psychological crush thing i just thought they were a waste of time

I thought I was a "late bloomer" too! I identify with this video so much.

OMG! I can so relate to all the stuff you say about not wanting sex, thinking about theatrical part and drama in the relationships! And I'm so happy to hear you got friends to support you. I've just discovered that I'm asexual because RU-vid recommended me some videos about it! And when I told one of my friends that I might be asexual, she didn't really get it and didn't try to research the topic even. Pop culture sucks sometimes but I hope people like you would help to spread the knowledge.

"I thought crushes were based on whow nice a boy was." I'm just demi (demi-sexual means your'e ace till strong emotional bond it formed, so there is no 'crushes') but I can relate so hard, I remember my class "Queen" and most girls were so highped about their crush, especially the hottest boy in schoo (who, of course, was also the best as soccor, what else is new?) and they were fighting over their crushes and than they asked me (since I'm the alien in the side, like always) "who is the best?" and my brain went like: well. I don't know them so... I should go for the nicest and the one I know most, so I picked "Issac." a nerdy kid who was just the nicest out of them. and they of course took it REALLY bad and started screaming like idiots: "How do you not pick (false name) Rien?!" and than they thought that if I didn't have crush on Rien like most of them I must be inlove with Issac and started screaming at the poor guy that I am inloved with him in the middle of the soccuer game. it was... the only feeling I had was shame, let's just say that. I also felt sorry for Issac since I didn't feel anything towards him but the thought he is nicer than other boys in the class, and now the poor nerd was seen as "the crush of the alien" I truly didn't want him to be hurt by this. another thing that was annoying and funny was my "fake crush" I had to fake crush on a celeb so my mom would stop being so scared Im a lesbian cuse I didn't took intreset in the boys in my classroom 😂 I still remember how I "chose" my crushes, like: this boy has short hair, he is nice to me, he loves volenteer, therefore I need to have a crush on him! or my fake celeb crush "Harry styls", I even bought posters of ONE D so my mom wouldn't suspect anything, 😂 in reality I only thought Harry was a nice guy since he was nice to the jewish community I'm part of so I was like "Yes, that's how you feel when you have crush!" 🤣🤣 anyhow, my "cold crush calculation" ended when I firt felt what sexual attraction means after being with someone online for like... 2 years and only than I understood that my "fake crushes" were just me trying to fit in. also I realised sex or kissing or being sexually active isn't a disgusting idea anymore when you have this attraction I didn't have.... when I was 20! of course, I felt it just to that 1 person back than so... it was strange non the less to look at sex and be like "do they do that for the dopamine or the sport?? why can't they just stop themselfs and that's it? it's so simple for me." before I came to the bright conclution they do that only to make babies and they really want them, cuse logic 😂

That whole "if you haven't experienced sexual attraction by age [insert any age later than 16]" this is I think how I realized I was asexual as well. I honestly don't remember much of my thought process at the time or how I came to the conclusion, just that it felt right. It wasn't even that long ago. I was 19 or 20 when I started identifying as ace (I'm now 23).

Lowkey when I went into middle school I would scope out everyone in the class you see who had the best haircut. That would be who I liked 😭 I’m aro/ace btw

I love story time type vids! You're good at them and I'd love to see more

Oh my gosh, I had completely forgotten about the 'picking a crush' thing until you said it! I remember a few friends and I were talking in Grade Two and we ended up chatting about our crushes. Everyone asked me about mine, so I looked at a poster on the wall with the class's names on it... and I just picked one. I stuck with it for a few years, too! I got so embarrassed about it in Grade Six when someone mentioned it because I had barely even said two sentences to him, let alone had a _crush..._

Omg I'm 21 and I just learned this is not how crushes worked @ 1:10 I'm demisexual btw

Oooooh, I love this! I can 100% relate to your stories and it feels so good to know that others feel/felt the same way I do/did! :) Thank you, Amelia. I love your videos and although I totally understand the explanation you gave us, I really hope you won't stop releasing them. Sending you a big hug from Germany!

Oh my gosh, the crush thing! So when I was in year two, a bunch of girls and I were sitting in a circle. The topic of crushes came up, and everyone seemed to have a crush on someone. Soon they asked me- and I experienced my first ace panic (though I didn't know it yet). Embarrassed that I didn't have a crush, I quickly skimmed the room and spied a board with some of my classmates names on it. I chose the first one I saw and blurted that name out. That was that, and everyone believed me- even _myself_ for a while. It took me a few years to realise that crushes aren't exactly chosen, and by that point I had stuck with the narrative so well that all I could do was tell them my crush faded away. Ah, memories.

I didn't really realize that I was on the ace spectrum until recently, whenever people were having drama about not wanting to go out with a guy, I just thought like, why not? Usually I just waited until somebody said they liked me, and I'd convince myself that I liked them as well and that's how I thought everyone did it. I was never sad or anything when my first relationship broke off, if I'm being honest, I don't know how sad I'd be if my current boyfriend and I broke up, because I don't really feel a lot of attraction. Like, he's a great guy and an amazing friend, but I don't know.

Excellent video, Amelia!!!! I relate deeply to your experience, as I've also grown up as ace (and now recently realised I'm biromantic). Thank you so much for spreading awareness! You are awesome! ❤

the two times i've had a "relationship" were in 1st grade where i was an attention seeker and thought that if i had a boyfriend then i would get attention. i chose the nicest guy in my class and we were "together" for several months i think. we were definitely friends and we went to his house a couple of times to play with his toys. we actually had a "wedding" which was fun he had a lot of crushes growing up so i think that he liked me but really i just liked that he had cool toys n stuff we did kiss but it was never me that initiated it the second one lasted a week and it was bc of this "making friends" app that was basically just tinder for kids. we were "together" for a week until he started talking about meeting up and i broke up with him because i didn't like him at all. basically it was just a game for me really

I completely related to all of this, keep posting nerd, give me something to look forward to x

This is so reassuring and nice to hear because I can relate to this story so much.

Great to listen to your experience. Personally I never had problems with romantic crush and I always had intense feelings on this side. But when terms like "sexy" or "attractive" where part of heaving a crush I just learned what the girls discribed with this words. Like muscles, short hair, being kinda pretty and stuff. I thought everybody just learns these things and nobody really understands the words "sexy" or "attractive". Back then I never talked about this and just played this game. Now I am also kinda proud that I found it out ^^

I'm just realizing that I am asexual and before this video started I said, "If they say they 'chose' their crushes as a kid I am 100% affirmed" and then THERE IT WAS hahaha I so vividly remember choosing someone who I thought would be a good "crush" as a child!!

I really like how u talked about “choosing” crushes. I’ve never really had many crushes. All of my friends talk about how hot people are and what they wanna do with them and I just feel so empty when it comes to that. I always “choose” when it comes to guys too, like if they are nice and not intimidating. I don’t think I’ve really liked anyone until I go to know them. Crazy.

I also thought that sex was kinda dramatised by the media until i was about 16. I honestly didnt think people really did it and that it wasnt a big deal. People are so shocked that i thought this was for so long.

oh god I picked crushes too! I only ever felt interested in guys when they liked me first and with girls I always just picked the most appealing, either by looks or personality. and I always thought sex stuff was exaggerated, and it baffles me that people actually do think and feel that way.

I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WENT ABOUT CRUSHES LIKE THIS! I don't feel so alone now... thank you so much for making this video. 💜🖤

When I was 10 I thought I had a crush on someone, but I just liked the same football team as him and I thought he was cool. I never had a crush after that. I tend to like people are cool and I want to hang out with them and be friends.

This is so relatable. I genuinely thought that "dating" was for when you wanted to be closer friends 😂😂 when i "dated" people in primary school i never actually liked any of the people i dated they were just my best friends but i believed that if i said no to dating them they wouldn't be my friend anymore. Then i got to high school and was completely oblivious to sex, i had no idea that people wanted it, thought about it and even spoke about it. Then my best friends started losing their virginitys and saying how great it was and i was so confused for the longest time. I have always been repulsed by it and im glad i figured myself out :)

WAIT THIS LEGIT HAPPENED TO ME I THOUGHT CRUSHES WERE A CHOICE OMLLLL

I watched this and I realized that I did and still do this so thank you for helping me realize that I am asexual

So I'm a 17 year old girl, I'm not quite sure about my sexuality yet, but I definitely did choose a crush in elementary only to be like my friends and because he was kind to me... lol and when I was around 14, I think I MIGHT have had a first crush on a guy..? But even then, I was very lonely so it might only be because he was kind to me... As much as I can remember I've never looked at someone and thought the person was cute or hot, beautiful yes, but never anything related to attraction... I've always felt so weird when people talk about cute guys around me and I feel completely out of this! At a point I thought maybe I was lesbian because I didn't really like boys, but no, I've never been attracted to a girl either... I am very confused, but I feel less alone when I read this comment section and listen to your stories. Maybe that's me too...🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi! Just came across your channel! I’m really happy I did too! These past couple of years I’ve been questioning whether or not I might be ace but after watching this video I think i am. I can really relate to almost everything you said especially about crushes! I thought a lot about what you said about thinking you’re a late bloomer (I’ve noticed and lot of ace people seem to think that) and that’s personally what I had been thinking too. I mean it didn’t help that I was always taught save sex till marriage and have gone to private school up until high school. I’m a senior in high school now... we’ll soon to be one, 1 more week!! And because of the whole wait till marriage for sex thing I... I would blame my disinterest of sex on that, “oh I’m just waiting till marriage... as soon as I get married I’ll like it” but after going to a public high school and though the internet I’ve learned that ain’t the case. I never see myself being sexually active with my partner... I see us cuddling and holding hands and kissing each other on the cheeks but that’s as far as it goes... I don’t even see my self having my own kids... I would rather foster. It’s kind lonely... a lot of the time actually. I’ve got friends who talk about sex and make jokes and I always end up laughing along and playing it cool even though I have no idea what they are talking about and it makes me feel uncomfortable. God I hate it sometimes... I told one friend that I think I might be ace... honestly though I was so scared while telling her I kinda blocked out the whole thing, I remember telling her but I don’t remember what she said... I have another friend who makes jokes about and asks me if I’m ace... I always end up either ignoring her or telling her i don’t know. It sucks I really wanna tell them how I feel but theirs always something holding me back... I know that they would be fine with it, they wouldn’t care, and still love me. But I still don’t know how to tell them. I don’t know why I can’t tell them. They are my closest friends all 3 of use go to different high schools but we’re still as close as the day we meet... yet I can’t tell them that I don’t find sex jokes funny, that I don’t get them, that it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about it, that I’m not interested in it, and that I’m ace... Edit: sorry for this being so long and inconsistent, this was kinda just a jumble of my thoughts and feelings over the years... I haven’t talked to anyone about any of this and it’s kinda just been bottling up inside me for a long time... glad I could get it out... to random strangers on the internet😂!

My “crushes” have always literally been the person I’m sat next to for the convenience of fitting in. Now I’ve accepted its fine to not experience any feeling other than platonic (or irritability lol) towards people.

That sounds similar to what I experienced in my childhood, I thought everything in life was like a theatrical play or sitcom, where friendships and relationships were picked out willy nilly. I also had a 'crush' for a bad boy in primary school, when I was the goody two shoes who's mum worked in the same school as a teacher. In high school, I was the only one in my group of friends who didn't date, hell I didn't even have a date at a ball till I was in my last year in uni. They would talk about what sex positions they used and how they gave their boyfriends blow jobs and then turn to me and be like 'Sorry Eilidh if you feel uncomfortable.' I would literally sit and they would make out with their boyfriends in front of me, then I would get questions like 'Have you not had your first kiss yet?' I only really got a crush on one guy in high school because he was also a music geek, I thought I was head over heels and then ended up embarrassing myself and losing my confidence because of him. I hated high school and it moved to a similar situation in the first couple of years of university but more R rated, before I finally found out about asexuality.

I remember in secondary school thinking, "if this girl asks me out, I guess I'll go out with them, and if not, oh well" (and I thought that about a fair amount of girls). I was so passive (maybe even "innocent") about the concept of sex, yet had so many thoughts that I never actually properly sorted out in the end. However, I look back and kinda laugh now how I used to think that, because I have aspergers, I played with the idea that maybe I wasn't allowed a relationship (proved that wrong when I went to college with a relationship...that didn't last, but still; lol).

I 100% relate to your story! Growing up, I always just sort of assumed that everyone at least exaggerated their crushes, though I had this idea in the back of my mind that they were all just sort of made up. I never really saw the point in having a "crush" myself, so I just did my best to distance myself from the whole crush thing. I guess I first realized that these crushes people had weren't some sort of made up/exaggerated thing when I was about 12-13. This girl in my class asked me who I liked, and she got SO upset when I told her I didn't really like anyone. She kept telling me that I had to like somebody and if I told her who I liked she'd tell me who she liked. The whole conversation just struck me as weird, and it made me start thinking that maybe there was something different about me. This lead to a frenzied spiral of google searches in which I eventually learned what asexual meant, though I was still in denial about being asexual until just after my 17th birthday (which was only a few months ago at the time of writing this).

This is the making me realize the only "relationship" I've ever been in was in kindergarten, when there was a boy who liked me and I felt neutral about him, so I kind of just went with it. We sat next to each other on the bus going to a field trip and he kissed my hand once, but that's basically all that happened. Maybe it's just confirmation bias or mood memory congruence, but I'm starting to see why I'm quite sure I'm ace now. Edit: and again, I also only got my first actual crush this past year (10th grade). I relate a lot to your story, and I appreciate you sharing it :)

omg, this is me! i've watched friends and other sitcomes and it really fells like a bunch of big drama over nothing. I had a 'relationship' with this guy which i really liked. This so calle 'relationsship' lasted one week bc I ended it very soon. While this week I totally panicked, was confused, the emotions I had towards him were gone, we didn't do anything together and the most 'body contact' we had was hugging each other after school. And even doing that was very uncomfortable for me. I am still kinda haunted by this sort of traumatizing week. Right now I am almost 15 and spendig hours online wtaching videos about asexuality and asking myself if this could be me. Me having also romantic feelings towards girls as well, doesn't make it any easier. So I am done crying. Whoever actuelly reads this comment, have a great day :)

Thank you for talking about it.

God bless tumblr for educating whole generation

I'm struck by how similar the asexual and lesbian experiences are. I had the same story of choosing appropriate male crushes when I was in elementary school and junior high. The difference for me is I realized I can have crushes, I was just looking at the wrong people. :)

oml the picking who u have a crush on 😂iM LAUGHING BC I DID THAT TOO! i only started doing it in grade 5 tho bc i felt left out. i knew how crushes worked but i never have one and i felt out so i sat by myself in the yard and analyzed each boy playing soccer trying to find a believable crush lmao

I started using the internet in grade 5 (10-11) and was introduced to a highly sexualized culture. I didn't get it, but thought I was supposed to. So I tried to understand and learn via toxic sources (the internet just sucks no matter what) When I was in middle school (grade 6-8) I found the term "asexual" on Google Plus. I thought about it and thought it fit me. But then i thought "but I exposed myself to material, that can't be possible." Even though I was disgusted by sex. Only recently have I decided that yes I am ace. I do not understand the appeal of sex. I have had romantic interests that I thought "when we are older, would I want to engage with them?" And in reality, no. I wanted to cuddle with them or watch movies. But never engage in sex. That's my journey. I'm still a bit stuck with wondering if I'll ever be okay with sex when I'm confident I won't be because half of my childhood was trying to understand the appeal of sex and exposing myself to the idea of sex. I find it unappealing and I do wish I never traumatized my mind like that. I am glad I understand myself as an asexual now. It makes me feel more normal and that makes me happy. Thanks for sharing your story. ❤

I actually just discovered I'm ace. And now that I've been doing so much research and trying to learn everything about every detail and kind of asexual... I feel like I know what's up with me. It's just so peaceful knowing how to describe and explain this part about me that I couldn't quite explain before. All my behaviors as a younger teen makes so much sense

The first "relationship" that I had was one sided (meaning I was asked out and I didn't know how to say no), throughout that span of a few days/weeks I was just full of panic and fear and it was horrible. My body felt like it was falling apart from the inside out. But again, I didn't know how to say no and end the panic attack that was that time. Fast forward a year and a half later, I had my first crush, who happened to be my best friend. Thankfully he's a wonderful and very wrong person and he didn't make me feel super uncomfortable. It's gone now. But I have decided to just have a lot of dogs.

Your story is so lovely! Well, I personally identify as aceflux and aroflux and bi/pan over both. According to my mom I liked my first girl at school the year before pre-Kinder (however, I don't remember). It took me years (till my mid college years) to realize I experienced aesthetic and platonic attraction towards boys since pre-Kinder (and probably also before but I can't remember). I experienced these types of attraction towards two male classmates I had. One of them became my friend and that felt great. Then in elementary school I also had feelings towards boys, feelings that could be considered "platonic crushes". However, I also developed platonic crushes towards girls and like these feelings were stronger and everybody only talked about same-gender attraction, I only shared with other people (my family) my crushes towards girls. During 6th grade I developed platonic (and aesthetic attraction) towards my P.E. teacher, who was young (less than 30 years old) and quite handsome. Middle school happened and sexual arousal started to appear (although I've masturbated since I was 8 years old because it felt nice but I didn't practice it regularly until I reached adolescence and I honestly didn't know what I was doing, I just knew it felt good). During 8th grade I developed a (platonic) crush towards my math teacher, which later transformed into some sort of erotic attraction but not sexual yet. At the end of this year (after an incident with a boy) I started feeling sensual, sexual and some romantic attraction towards boys. I had fantasies with boys but I was repulsed towards sex in real life (specially any kind of penetrative sex) and I didn't want to have any kind of relationship because I didn't quite understand them plus I thought my classmates were starting to have relationships because of some trend or something like that (lol). I finally accepted my attraction towards boys in 10th grade and I started to identify as bisexual in 11th grade (there's no 12th grade in my home country). When I started college I thought I'd have tons of sex and relationships but it still wasn't that appealing to me. I'm soon going to start my senior year in college and I haven't had sex, a relationship, a date or even a kiss. For now, I'm OK with that. Sexually pleasuring myself, watching erotic photos and sometimes porn is enough for me (for now). In reference to romance, I'm generally repulsed or indifferent to it so I don't think about it as much as I think about sex. I'm also non binary and I think dysphoria also plays a role in my sexual and romantic life (I've declined or evaded sex, dates and kissing with people in dating apps, even with some people I like). After becoming economically independent from my family, having my own place and finally "transitioning" I think my sexual and romantic life will improve, but of course I won't stop being ace and aro. Sorry about the long comment. Love you Amelia!

Wow, actually hearing you talk about this lines up a lot with things I experienced as a kid but haven’t thought about in a while. It was almost like I knew what people were supposed to think about their crushes so I went out to find boys who were funny or kind or aesthetically attractive and decided I had a crush on them because I could see they had these personality traits (if that makes sense).

I can relate to that a lot. Me, too, thought everyone else was faking it to be cool, just like they started drinking alcohol and going to the disco all of a sudden. It wasn´t until my early 30´s that I realized that they were not.

AH! the deciding thing was the same thing for me! all crushes were calculated!

It's crazy how much of this video I was like 'hey that's me'. I'd completely forgotten that I used to pick crushes because that's how I thought it worked.

the girls in my class who always have dating drama always exclude me. i’m trying to understand crushes and relationships but i just get excluded lmaooo,,, it’s not fun it hurts and i feel alien because i don’t understand anything 😔 how are they so open???? about it?????? i’m so confused???

I remember my friends sit down with me in the gymnasium when we were like 5 or so and they were so convinced that everybody has to have a crush on at least one person, so we literally went through a list of every boy that I know and they helped me pick a crush. Luckily I chose my then neighbor, which none of the people at my school knew and when I switched to public school by that time he had moved away so i wouldn't have to deal with repercussions luckily. I even did as they said one should when it comes to a crush. if only I knew that im an aroace or that the indentity even exists, it would of been so hepful.

I mistook liking one of your friends more than your other friends as having a crush on them. Turns out that is just a best friend. Another thing is that whenever I saw teen pregnancy I thought 'We take Life orientation as a subject for a reason! Just wait until you're out of school.' I never realised until now that it wasn't a choice of thiers but a primal desire/instinct that left no room for questions. An instinct of which I do not have, therefore I didn't understand.

When I was a kid, I didn't really have friends so I didn't worry about picking crushes and things, and when I finally did get a friend group I was so used to being openly myself I never bothered. Eventually people just cut me out of relationship drama so I never thought it existed outside of TV. I didn't know asexuality was a thing, I just always insisted I would never ever get married and have kids (most adults just passed it off as a kid thing, anyway. I hated that) I thought I had crushes, and I still _almost_ do, it's a very strange situation where my brain tells me it's a crush because I like them and they could like me back, but I should run for the hills and never speak to them again. The thought of relationship-y actions with my "crushes" makes me blanch and ruins my day. I think it's just a bastard-baby of a squish and anxiety. I only found out about asexuality after my best friend mentioned she just thought I was asexual while we were walking in the hallway. I didn't think anything of it until last year when I had some crisis about it and figured myself out, and even then I still thought I was romantic until like, two months ago. Still figuring that out. And a good friend also came out as ace too! I need a heckin ring

I love FRIENDS!

When people used to say they had only ever had four crushes or something I thought it was SO WEIRD. I thought pretty much the same thing as you, in elementary school the guys I had “crushes” on were just the boys who were nice and smart and I cycled through them pretty fast. In middle school I had what I think may have been a crush, though I’m still not even sure. Sometimes I thought of holding his hand or something, but that was pretty much it. I would love if I could just say I’m asexual, but a lot of things are still super confusing for me and I’m still pretty young so I guess I’ll just wait it out or something.

Everything, just everything from the picking crushes arbitrarily, to thinking other people were just being overly theatrical about relationships. It felt like you were talking about me.

I am kindof wtf romantic in the sense that I can’t truly distinguish friendship from love. Leads to a lot of awkwardness.

Omg I relate to this so much!! This helps a lot!! Thanks Amelia!! :D

When I was in 5th and 6th grade, I didn't know that asexuality was a thing (I later found out I'm an aromantic asexual), and all my friends were having crushes on girls. I naturally assumed I had to as well, and seeing as TV had established the idea of boys and girls being entirely separate entities who can't have any relationship other than a romantic one, I thought the 2 nice girls I talked to a lot MUST be people I have crushes on, and having the same misconception about crushes that you did, I chose one and told my friends I had a crush on her. I was an idiot, and I kept pretending to be straight, lying to everyone including myself, until 8th grade, where I finally learned what asexuality was and was like "hey that's me!". From there I basically just told anyone and everyone whenever it made sense to. Because it was so new to me and I didn't really hear it talked about that much, I didn't even think of it as coming out for a long time, as if it felt wrong to group myself among individuals who are gay, bi, lesbian, pan, trans, etc. Most people were either like "yeah cool" or said "what's that" and understood it after a brief explanation, and some could be kind of awkward, but everyone was understanding. My mom was a slightly different story. She's a 40-something straight cis white lady who is very loving and supportive, but she can be a little old sometimes. And when I came out to her, it was one of those times. She wasn't mean or hateful, but she said something around the lines of, "well how do you know,? Kids these days are always hearing about these things and jumping on them before they're old enough to know!" (I was 14 at the time, most kids my age already knew what their sexual orientation was, especially straight kids) She said this in a very nice way, but it still hurt me, and I don't think she realized, or still really realizes. I promptly told her that it didn't matter, I know what I am now, this label fits me, and you better accept it. She was like "alright", but she was definitely a little weirded out and confused, but she didn't say much after that, she was just supportive, and when my younger sister came out as bi, Mom was much more accepting, either consciously or subconsciously learning from her past mistake. But that mistake did have some effects. I was still at the age where I pretty much took most of the things my parents said as truth, so my mom had unknowingly planted some seeds of self-doubt in my brain, and a figurative voice in my head began to appear whenever I stated or thought about my sexual orientation, telling me that there was no way to truly know if I'm right, and in a few years I could very well start being attracted to people, shattering this idea I had of myself. That scared me. I'm 16 now, and I've fully accepted that I'm an aromantic asexual, and I don't give a flying shit about what anybody thinks. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing, supportive, and very queer friends (save for a couple cishet friends). The voice is much quieter, but my mom definitely did some lasting damage there. Even though I pretty much know I'll always be like this at this point, now I sometimes get the feeling that my asexual adult life will be empty and devoid of love and happiness (thanks mainstream media!) even though I know that's bullshit. But overall, I have a much better idea of who I am now, and I have a lot more confidence in myself. This year in my English class, we had to give a speech about literally anything, it just had to have meaning. So I decided to talk about myself. I gave a whole speech to my probably 80-90% straight class about my sexuality, specifically about the depressingly low amount of asexual representation we have and why representation matters. And to my surprise, everybody loved it! It was possibly the most loved speech out of all of them, a big reason being that it wasn't one of those "I'm different and that makes me sad" kind of speeches, it was both meaningful and really funny. So yeah, things are going pretty well for me now, I love this video and I love to see people talking about this stuff, and it felt really good to throw up all these words (this is the longest comment I've ever written). I hope this wasn't a waste of time and words, and I love the video!

It took me so long to realise that people weren't making up sexual attraction because I'm ace and my best friend is aro/aco so we both thought it must be everyone else that's making it up since we both felt the same. When I started getting romantic feelings but she didn't we both thought maybe we were just late bloomers and basically everyone around us said as much (especially to my friend since my reaction to talk about sex was to keep quite and blend into the background and hers was to make disgusted noises). I found the word asexual through tumblr and it took like a year to convince myself i actually was. My friend for a long time didn't want to even think about herself and relationships or finding a label but after a couple different friends in the LGBT community told her about aromanticism/asexuality she started to cling to it. I'm so grateful to have somehow found another ace person, even if neither of us realised for years.

Same. I really just decided on people and felt normal behaving weird around them. I also was a horrible girlfriend without any romantic feelings for my boyfriend at the time when I was 13 and didn't yet know why people dated. And I also didn't think I could be asexual until I saw a post about asexuality that taught me something new about it.

Relatable. Last year I was 20, and I dated a guy with the same "crush" idea. But everybody got hurt, and he was a jerk, so it ended. This year I dated another ""crush"", and I ended things after 2 weeks because he wouldn't understand I didn't want sex and that I just didn't like it. I tried it. And I'm not doing it again. He was so pushy. Then he asked if we could still have sex even though we're not together. That made me feel sick. Why should we go so much out of our ways? Because of that, the thought of being in a relationship disgusts me, I won't have "crushes" anymore, and I feel weird and abnormal now.

I can super relate to the picking 'crushes' and questionable 'relationships.' Word to the wise: Don't ever pick a crush who already has a girlfriend. My (as yet undiscovered aromantic) self thought it should be obvious to everyone that I would never try to interfere with a perfectly good relationship and only be happy my 'crush' was happy. Instead I got told off by the girlfriend AND her best friend.

I am also asexual but my friends explained to me what relationships actually are and this is very relatable.

I never considered myself as asexual until recently. But I really had this thought of "Well I´m just pretty late with everything" .. I always had weird hobbies and started beeing into horses in my youth. Literally everything I talked about was horses. So most people didn´t want to befriend me and I was perfectly fine with that. Then some friends got into this sex thing and I can remember not having the slightest interest in it. When I turned 20...I had a lots of conversations with friends. And they where like "Oh I don´t understand why you and this boy never got together! He was SO into you." Honestly? I never really realised it. I had a nearly encounter with beeing raped, but got away. I never told anyone because...it was no big deal for me. But I begun after that to think I was simply afraid of man...and dated some girls but it brought me nowhere. Turning 22 I was in a reenactment-group..I told a lot of my feelings with one of the man. He tried to help me to conquer my "fear of men" until I noticed - it was a lie I told myself until I believed it. I was curious about this sex thing, there was a man willing which I liked as a friend pretty much. So finally I had this sex experience... and it was just weird to me. It continued as a friends with benefits thing. I started to enjoy having sex with this guy..but never had any attraction. We just encountered each other every 3 to 4 months and it never started with me...I just got with the flow. And I believed it was like that for every women! Last year...I wrote the man again who was very into me...because I was thinking and missing our friendship a lot! So we started to date...started a relationship. But it didn´t work well for us ...while I was not at all interested in sex by myself...he was highly sexual. We talked a lot about that...but I felt very stresses by the thought of having sex. In this relationship we both would have been happy...we broke up but remain good friends.

I relate to this so much Update: I see that Yuri!!! On Ice poster 😉

My crushes: Kindergarten: random boy ( I thought crushes meant friends that were boys lol) 1st grade: none 2nd grade: none 3rd grade: none 4th grade: none 5th grade: none 6th grade: none 7th grade: none 8th grade: none 9th grade: a random boy (I tried to have a crush (which was fake) on someone because I thought I was weird)

That resonates so much with my own experience. Thank you so much for making this video! :')

I'm demi, and I also did that "choose a person to crush on" thing as a child. I did actually fall hard for somebody in the 6th grade and liked him for 5 years before he hurt me so bad that I honestly think I have trust issues. But now I get asked out sometimes and I freak out because I know I dont like them the way I liked that guy in 6th grade. And now I look at all my friends and classmates who have boyfriends and I'm sitting in the corner wondering wtf love even is anymore

I'm demisexual and demiromantic, so I don't actually like people often. I've only liked 4 people in my entire life, and they were people I was really close to. At a few points, I "picked" a crush too. In middle school, all of my friends were talking about their crushes, and when they would ask me, I would say I didn't have any. Of course, they thought I was lying. That same day, I thought about the people I knew and decided on someone who was generally nice to me and good looking, and told my friends about it.

Ok, the part where you thought that sex was just being overblown like in a sitcom was soooooooo relatable. I'm in my last year of high school and I only just realized that it wasn't being blown out of proportion, it was just me who is asexual. When I get grossed out about it, people just say that I'm innocent and ever since coming out to myself, it annoys the absolute hell out of me.

My story is a little different, but I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. If things were a little different in my life, I’d probably have the same views as you did. As far as the whole sex thing goes, I just never understood the appeal unless you were hoping for a baby. I never understood, and still don’t, how sex is portrayed vs how it really is. How can something so lustful, pleasurable and something that people crave be nothing more than a few seconds of fun, sticky, dead cells around your genitals and a wet patch on the bed?

When I was around 16 or 17, I heard two friends discussing their sexual experience. A lot of other girls were listening in too, very curiously, and just being really girly and giggly about it. This made me assume at that point that these two girls were incredibly exceptional in having sex before being in a 'serious adult relationship and maybe married'. It makes me laugh now to know how wrong I was with that assumption...

In second grade we had to write out what we wanted our future to be like I put “I want to finish’s school, get a masters degree architecture buy a nice cabin in the woods get a dog” (I simplified it, and there was a lot more spelling mistakes in with original thing I wrote) and my teacher said, “don’t you want to find a girl to love and get married?” Well, I said “no, I don’t want to get married, or have a partner” the teacher was naturally shocked by this, and asked “but won’t you be lonely?” “Nope!”, Yeah probably the first sign I was asexual,

W O W S A M E

Omg I remember in like year 2 "deciding" to have a crush on a boy in my class because we both liked dinosaurs but then he got really into pokemon, which I didn't really care about and my "crush" on him just vanished into thin air.

I always thought one conciously chose their crushes, until I was 16 and had a discussion about this with a friend. We had never talked about that, and the topic came up and I was like "Oh, it's cool, as one decides who one likes", and she replied, as I was the most stupid person she had met, "Of course not, one does not decide who one falls in love with..." I was really confused. I had a boyfriend at a time, and I felt like I had learnt to like him. After months, then years together, I loved him, but when I grew up I noticed that I felt something very simmilar towards my closest friends. We eventually got sexual, but I felt like that was what was supposed to happen and just did it, although it always seemed "theatrical" for me.

I’m ace, and (most likely) aro too, because while I love the IDEA of a close relationship, and every nice little thing that comes along with that, I haven’t ever experienced real romantic attraction, so like....yeah

In _Year 2_ people started to get 'crushes'. I never really understood it until later on in primary school, around Year 4. People started to get serious about love and some people even started to match up. Fast forward to Year 6 and we get our first snippet of sex ed. I didn't know what asexuality fully was until Year 7, before then I thought I was lesbian since I kept feeling things for some of my female friends, but after that session I was unsure. I felt uncomfortable. Then, in a period where I was beginning to be alone (still Year 6) I found a few RU-vid videos about asexuality. I found who I was. My problem was that I was still sort of attracted to people. Skip to Year 7 and I fully understand asexuality and I find one or two males I'm also attracted to. Boom, I'm ace / biro (still am). People still ask me what being ace is, despite me telling them ages ago. I'm weirded out by sex and physical contact, but I still want to find a partner later on in life.

it's surprising how identical our experience was

Thank you so much for this video- I identify so much with everything you said! I’m starting a levels in September and I started to think I might be ace earlier this summer.