Hii Mel!! I loooove your videos, thanks for always being an inspiration:) Hope you and your family are happy and healthy.❤ Answering your question, for me two kids would be more than enough, but my biggest dream is to adopt. Here in Mexico you must be over 25 years old to be able to adopt :)
Do you want to apologize for your country's support for the violence yesterday? We've seen the footage and we've seen Irish comments. The world remembers.
39 and no kids because life is too costly to support a child, in my case at least. I made peace with my decision, it is what it is. But I'm also concerned about the pattern I see forming for some time now where the state overtakes education away from parents and reduces parental rights, almost appropriating the children, and I honestly think this is a very dangerous direction.
RE: the thumbnail 🙈 Can’t believe I am having to explain this. But. I just got a message on Instagram from someone who seemed incredibly disappointed in me for ‘making light of domestic violence’ (Thomas with the pan raised) he was trying to make it look like a halo, I have the horns, we’re the angel and the devil on the shoulder, ‘do it!’ ‘don’t do it!’ thought it was obvious/funny 🙈🙈🙈🙈 I mean. I really hope that was an isolated interpretation!?!
No offence to Thomas/men but it's very easy for them to say they want another when they don't have to make the massive sacrifice of pregnancy, birth and postpartum. It's important for you to make decisions as a couple but it's ultimately your choice as it's your body. It's a lottt to go through as a woman so I can understand the stress of trying to make this decision. That being said, I know you acknowledge in the video that he absolutely doesn't pressure you and that's not what I'm saying here at all. I just think it's easier to want another when you don't have to go through all of the physical changes.
Absolutely agree. I say this to him often and he agrees too. Doesn’t take away his sense of humour on the subject and at times that’s…unfortunate…depending on my mood! 😂🙈❤️ You’re dead right though. It’s very easy to express this desire when you won’t be getting pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding.
We're having the opposite issue. I'm pregnant with a second and I'm up for a third. My husband is not and he's the one that pays the majority of the bills so I can work part time and be a homeschool mum.
@@hhhhhhhhhh1919lol she made a very polite comment. Although sometimes I get a bit ugh vibes from Thomas (or any man in general) when they say these things in humour. I think it's sometimes just veiled in that so the person wouldn't sound too pressuring. Every man should go though these things and then think again..
It should be discussed before marriage. Having 3 kids is important for me so I'm looking for a woman who wants that too. I don't want to get a divorce later when it will suddenly turns out our desires do not coincide.
I don’t think there’s enough support. I also struggle with how a lot of men don't acknowledge enough how brutal it is on a woman’s body and sanity. The hormones. The dangers of pregnancy and lack of sleep. I have friends who are doctors and they say one of the most dangerous things a woman can do is get pregnant.
I agree! Pregnant women tend to be closely monitored but once the baby has been born there is a complete lack of support and understanding. I don’t think my husband understood the trauma I went through when it came to birth because to look at I was fine. It is such a big sacrifice to make
At the end of the day: if it's not a clear, full-bodied hell yes, it's a hell no. Don't let over-intellectualizing worries or societal norms make this decision for you. Enough people do that as it is and end up neglecting their kids in the process because they simply were not actually prepared for the responsibility. Kids are not accessories, they are individuals! Don't take on more than you can honestly handle
We all know kids aren’t accessories around here 👍🏻 I live and breathe my kids and I would want to give all of me to all of my kids, that’s why these conversations are important (not just for us! For everyone!). For us this has nothing to do with societal norms, I mean the current ‘norm’ is one kid or no kids. I think of my two kids only really having one another when they are older and I feel sad…my dad has SEVEN siblings and it’s beautiful how close they all are to this day, how close I am to THEM…thinking about the future of my family. Thinking about regretting putting career/‘us’ ahead of choosing to have another amazing child. It’s a very very very complex conversation this video really is the tip of the iceberg
I respect your feelings. not many people talk about it and how hard it can be, especially in these modern times where it's wildly different then how most of our parents grew up. Life was a lot simpler then. A lot more affordable, too. I think a huge part of why this is so complicated is that people expect life to be as simple as it was 50 years ago. That's not inherently wrong, it's beautiful, to have these dreamy ideas of what life could be, of how it used to be, but unless you literally craft your life to make that a reality, it just won't be. You'll always be playing catch-up with yourself, spreading yourself over too much toast or however the saying goes. It's easy to walk into big chapters of life with these dreamy ideas, but life is often not like that is all I'm trying to say. You have to be convicted enough to risk it all and come hell or high-water make it work anyway because that's what your heart truly wants, or just keep it simple and make the most of what you've already built, you wouldnt be missing out either way. But forcing things prematurely could certainly cause more harm then good.
I was the third kid in my family and my parents were exhausted, struggling financially, and not really involved in my education. They were clearly burnt out and although they love me very much, it’s clear even to me that a third child wasn’t necessarily the best decision for the family. Honestly sometimes baby fever takes over and we need to tune it down and not let it control us, just like we do with any other feelings/emotions.
My GP needs to cop on then because oh my God it stressed me out when this was first floated! ACTUALLY it was first mentioned in the practice when I went for my first smear 🙈 How I need to ‘think these things through’ and ‘not leave it too late’, a spiel about geriatric pregnancy! Now, to be fair that’s because we got along the nurse and I and it was a friendly chat. But it definitely sunk in deep. Can I ask is it just the term that’s outdated? Surely it’s not like there’s suddenly less risk…statistically? X
I’m surrounded by women who started their family 35+, with no difficulties. I also have friends who have had babies in their twenties, and the babies have autism or difficulties at the birth. This is anecdotal, but I think it’s worth considering there’s always some risks no matter the age. I think there’s a fair bit of misconception out there about this topic. Risk depends.not only on age of male (we forget the guy but it matters) and female but other health factors and even so the risk is low generally. If you look at the stats in England and Wales, no of babies born to women aged 25-29 yrs and 35-39 yrs is around the same year on year. The 30-34 range was the highest bracket. I really think you could contribute to this discussion. As you said, Irish women have been birthing huge families well into their 40s before hospitals were even set up properly.
I’m 37 having my third and I was the one saying to my doctor and consultant how old I was. They said most women these days are only having their first in their late thirties. I was shocked 🙈 I feel old and tired compared to having my first at 22😭. It’s a totally different ball game my body feels it.
@@melaniemurphyofficial I think the term isn’t used anymore. But obviously the risks are still there. I think in a way it’s normalising having kids at an older age. While for some women they have a healthy baby and pregnancy this just isn’t the case for most over the age of 35.
First as an autistic mother I would just like to say that asd is link significantly to genetics. It’s correlated to older mother for a number of reasons including health conditions that are comorbid with asd. My midwife said there was no additional risks for me. I think with more woman having babies later in life they are finding what they thought were risks to be more correlated instead of caused. The only risk they foresaw was if I had multiples which wasn’t the case.
Has to be done! 🥰 These discussions need to be had and I hate when a conversation feels all heavy and loaded. I also think more mothers need to have these chats publicly as it’s on so many of our minds!
@@melaniemurphyofficial I agree ☺ I don't have any kids currently so that might make my view on the matter less relevant, but I have always pictured myself with 3-4 kids. I'm 25, second born out of 4 siblings, and I do feel with what you're saying, that once your daughter was born you couldn't picture life without her. It is the same with my youngest brother (we're 8 years apart), my parents were in the same boat discussing whether they should have a 4th child or not, and now if I even picture them having the conversation I start getting teary, can't imagine life without my brother. Same with my uncle's now 2y/o third child, since my country's going through an economic collapse, times are difficult for them and they almost didn't have the baby who is now a big pillar in all our hearts 🥰 I do understand that it's a privilege to have a big close knit family and it's not the case for everyone. But I also find that you have healthy dynamics and plenty of love in your hearts. To Thomas, In my country we say, your heart possesses infinite love, with every child love grows bigger, it doesn't get divided 🤗 In my country we also say that every child comes with subsistence (which is heavily debatable, but worth sharing😆). I come from a middle eastern culture where relationship to family is much different than in the West. family bonds aren't cut at 18, relationships transform but remain closely knit. they're based on mutual love, support and care whenever needed, whether to parents or siblings, and there's nothing better than to feel that you're loved and supported in the unstable walk of life, and to feel that you can (and are welcome to) shoulder your loved ones in return ! My father says that you need to be young and crazy to have children because if you reason too much you'll never have any, but it's worth it when you do 😉 I do believe that your overthinking is one of the reasons why you are such a great parent though, you understand the toll and the responsibility involved. When decisions and thoughts become stressful like that I find that letting go of the subject for a week or so, breathing in, and waiting for signs from the universe is the way to go. Can't make good decisions without a clear mind ! sorry for the long reply. whatever happens, I think you and Thomas are great parents and people, and I wish you nothing but all the best 💚
I think with both of your kids you went through a LOT simultaneously; the pandemic, Thomas’ job schedule, moving house, then the reno. It’s a lot to take on whilst also juggling work and friends and your marriage. This was so interesting to listen to because I’ve always said two but if a third ever came along, we’d both agreed that we’d somehow find a way to make it work. And that’s just what our parents/grandparents did! Completely understand the fear of all the different complications as well. I also read somewhere that none of your children will ever get the same upbringing because each child you have, you’ve evolved from the last! Your first had your sole attention, worry and time, your second had another sibling in the picture, their personalities aren’t the same and you’re juggling more than one human so of course you’re going to do things a bit differently than with your first. And the breastfeeding/formula feeding debate you have internally is also so so valid. Like the thought of not being able to give another child the same start as you gave your other two but at the same time you just do what you can! They’ll still turn out to be good people♥️
Unless both parents enthusiastically want to have another baby then it has to be a no. And specifically if the person who will be carrying and birthing the baby is saying it's not the right time yet, or they don't want another then it absolutely has to be a no.
I’m not saying I absolutely don’t want another, though. I want more kids. I’m just worried about it - the pregnancy, the juggling, the loss of time therefore loss of money. It’s not black and white to me or to most people…most big decisions in life aren’t. Maybe in my heart I don’t feel capable of going through it again and am trying to talk myself out of it, maybe I know I will regret it if I don’t just push on through…honestly it could be either. That’s what it means to feel conflicted, it’s a valid state. If a man commits to a woman and feels he can’t express his desires for his own future (now in the woman’s hands) that’s sad. Thomas needs to be allowed to share what he wants for our future even though he knows and fully accepts that it’s my body, my choice x
@@melaniemurphyofficial I'm not saying there shouldn't be any conversation or debate, I'm just saying the final say has to go to the person who will be carrying and birthing the child. If there is such a conflict that a man feels he wants more children and the woman says absolutely no then he does always have the option to end that relationship and seek out someone who does want more.
In that case, I agree@@powderandpaint14 our wombs are not property! I just think it's important that both partners express their deepest desires openly and honestly x
There was a newspaper article around here about this question. Pros and cons. Cons: no place in the apartment, no place in cars, expensive, no nerves, uneven number, on and on. One pro: Babys are cute. Our third one's due today. 😅
"I just have this need that needs to be fulfilled" is very unfair to say. While he probably didn't mean any wrong by it, he needs to understand the way that comes across is so pressuring and overwhelming for you. Especially since you clearly need more time to consider it. A child, when you will be doing most of the raising anyway, will not fix him. He needs to work on whatever is making him feel a hole in the first place before adding more stressors to the equation, stressors that are probably making him feel "lack" in the first place. It's important to be honest with ourselves when having these conversations, while I get those feelings that he may be feeling, it's pretty careless to share them the way he did. He should be following your lead and finding ways to make you feel more fulfilled and supported so one day you can seriously have this conversation.
And why is it unfair? 🤨 He just shared his desires, it's absolutely normal. "He needs to work on whatever is making him feel a hole". We are talking about desirable family size. How can you work on it? People want or don't want more kids, and that's it. And if you want more than there is nothing you can do except having another child to fulfill this need. This issue should be discussed before marriage. For me having 3 kids is important so I'm looking for woman who wants that too. I don't want to get a divorce later when it will suddenly turns out that our desires do not coincide.
I always wanted three but have stopped at one. And yes I feel like the decision was made for me because there just is not enough support available. It is not worth the risk to my sanity (not being glib I mean that genuinely). I think what is often missing in these discussions is GRIEF. There is a grief in letting go of the family you thought you were going to have. There is grief in discovering on the other side of motherhood that there is a massive lack of systemic support. There is grief in saying goodbye to the baby years forever.
As the third child, I don't think you need to worry about the not having enough time for the others as much as you think - it's such a joy to be a part of a big family and I am so greatful for my siblings. Any time you feel guilty about not spending with the others, thibk of the gift of another sibling you are giving to the other two. 😊
My husband and I always wanted 3 kids. It wasn’t until we had our second that I said no to more babies for a long time. My daughter just turned 4 and it was almost like a switch in my decision. One day I just knew that I was ready to have a third. My husband always wanted one but I needed more space because, being pregnant and recovering takes years! I want to be selfish and have me time again but also would love another baby. We are now starting to try to get pregnant again. We (or just I) also had the same worries about money and time with all the kids, but you’ll never know what will happen. If you do have that need for another that is really driven or consistent then I think you will have your answer.
This is so relatable. We are also in our mid-thirties and have a boy and a girl (currently 5 and 2) when my daughter turned 1 we were having all of these same conversations. There are so many pros and cons, and we kept putting off making a decision because we were just so tired. Then when our daughter turned 2 and started to get more independent we went to a restaurant and both kids sat through the whole meal and ate the same food we were eating and they were having conversations with us, and we didn't have to stop at any point to change a diaper, and my husband and I just had this overwhelming feeling of like... What is this new season of parenting? Is this what our life could be like? And although we still occasionally get wistful about another child, or I feel sad that I won't be pregnant or have a baby again, overall, we have very much settled on the fact that we are passed the age where we are comfortable (or even have the stamina haha) to want to go through the newborn stage again. I do always say if we had started having kids in our 20s instead of in our 30s, the consideration about having a third would probably be a lot more difficult. There definitely is an alternate timeline version of me that I can clearly visualize with three or four kids. However, for where we are at in life now, we feel complete and I can very much imagine the rest of our life with only these two little ones that we already have.
I am crying reading this. You just described my absolute dream … at the restaurant. I can’t wait for that. I imagine I might miss so much being so focused on the nappy/boob/rinse/repeat stuff…aghhhhhh. I loveee this comment.
I find it fascinating that people WANT children. And once they've had children and experience how difficult it is... they actually want more of that. Haha. 36 year old female here and I have NEVER had the desire to have children. Babysat too many brats growing up that ruined it for me, I think. But I am fully confident in this decision. Which is a good place to be.
I'm 38 and never wanted kids either. When I was a child and one mom brought over their new born, all the girls go up to look at the baby and wantt to hold the baby, I had absolutely no interest! I wanted them to hurry up so we could play a game!
@lolosrainydays Yes. I think people either have the innate sense, or they don't. Having the intuition to decipher is crucial. I think parenthood is easily the hardest job on the planet. Being a huge introvert that can't handle much noise or fuss, I have chosen a more peaceful path. Lol!!
@@refreshingtwist for my job i am a kids entertainer! People think I must have lots of kids but I'm just a big kid myself! I am an introvert too but one that stands up to do magic shows, i need alone time afterwards though to recharge.
@@black-ij3ui I can empathise on how having kids is very important to some people. I need lots of people to have kids to keep my job going and i just love hanging out with them and having fun! If we all were the same it would be incredibly boring!
Ok, I'm a single lesbian, so very different experience to a lot of ladies in the comments. I always wanted children growing up but now as an adult I'm torn between having 1 child or having none, and I think the deciding factor will be whoever I end up with in a relationship long-term. Reasons are mainly economic, since even just IVF to conceive would be insanely expensive, and then childcare really worries me too, since with the cost of living crisis, I feel I can barely get by on my own and am currently living at home with my parents to save up money to eventually buy a place. I wouldn't want to give up my dream job of writing full time, so if I couldn't afford childcare I just don't think I could go through with having a kid.
I love Thomas's comment about worry that he cant divide his time between the kids if there was another. That's the most pure thought. Im a strong beliver that children feel your love if you are loving no matter if you have to work or be away. When they're teens they may have opinions but if you were there for them the best you could be in whatever way that was they know that deep down and will see it ❤🩷💚
Zero and that is a 180 from what I used to think my whole life growing up. But now i am 30 years old and know that i genuinely do not want children and i love it 🙂
This was a super interesting video. I had this debate with my husband a lot but we have really decided to stop at two children. I feel when I look at my life objectively and the experiences I want to share with my existing children, that another one means we'd be struggling financially and I don't think I could give more than two the energy and experiences! Also I don't have the energy for another pregnancy 😂 Plus - selfishly I do want to get back some of my freedom! Also, I know it sounds really pessimistic but you cannot guarantee the health of another child - and I feel like we've been so blessed with the two we have ❤ No matter what you decide, it'll be the right decision for you! X
@@melaniemurphyofficialexactly this! If I had the security of knowing that a potential third baby would be just as healthy and wonderful as my current two, then I'd have 100% had another as I bloody ADORE babies and my kids. But I had to think that a baby or child with medical needs would impact my entire life, and I personally wasn't able to roll the dice on that ❤ The other thing I always think is really, WHY did I want another one? It always for me came back to my hormones telling me to make lots more babies, but I think if I can overcome that urge now I won't regret my decision in my 40s!
I'm pregnant with my second, and I'll give birth any day now. We know we want at least one more, but this pregnancy has been so horrific that I'm terrified of being pregnant again. Honestly all the other factors (financial considerations, staying in the baby bubble for longer, giving each child enough attention) are nothing compared to how much I dread another pregnancy like this. My first pregnancy was not easy but definitely easier. If only I could know in advance what the next one will be like!
As the eldest of four kids: don’t do it 😂 I was the third parent and tbh my siblings still oppose me to some extent because I always felt responsible for them and was more a parent than a sister to them. I love them but four kids need a LOT of attention. There were disputes between us growing up because it was too much for our parents and they could only focus on about two of us and our needs at the same time. And my mom was a stay at home mom but still she can’t take carte of everything while my dad is working which is why I became parent nr. 3. The best family constellation I have seen so far was either two kids or three but the youngest a little bit later. So kid 1, then 2 and after five years or so kid nr.3.
Agreed! As I wrote in my comment earlier, I was also 3rd parent, my parents still refer to me as such. I watched my siblings when I was 5 and a half and my mom and dad were at the hospital for baby number 4... I had way too much responsibility on my shoulders from a young age. And it was utter chaos with 4 kids at home. I think that played a big role in why I happily stopped at 2.
As a fellow eldest of four and third parent, my siblings resented me WELL into my twenties and I am only now repairing those relationships. I know it's easy to say "oh, the older kids can help" but that creates a really tense dynamic between siblings. Obviousy everyone is different, but yeah, this has been my exact experience as well.
I am the eldest of four and my parents divorced when I was 12, i was literally the second parent lol. It is still expected of me to take care of my youngest sister as my other siblings moved away. Of course i love my siblings and support my mum, but it's literally like you have a child even though you never decided to have one 🫠 Those are all scenarios to keep in mind when bringing children into the world
As the oldest of 7, I have to say that it has been both difficult and wonderful. I can not imagine a life without all of us together. Sure I am in some ways a third parent and has been for a long time now, but it has tought me so much about responsibility and love. And I feel very prepared for when I have children in the future. I understand that this situation feels different for everyone and their specific family dynamic.. But I would honestly not want it any other way.
Laying in bed squished between a baby and a toddler. Always wanted three, now I still want it, but with no pregnancy and no breastfeeding. Your words about feeling like a human after birth- oh, my! I had a healthy and relatively easy second pregnancies and I was so happy to hold my baby on me, not in me! Hugs!
This is a good point for considering other ways of having children too - of course the financial and time elements wouldn't change but deciding to adopt would reduce the physical implications of pregnancy and post partum as well as the anxiety over whether the next pregnancy will be smooth sailing or a very difficult 9 months. Not that adopting is necessarily smooth sailing either - I know a couple in the UK who are in the process of applying and it can easily take more than 9 months plus not necessarily end as hoped with adopting a child.
As a middle child of three, I’ll give a pro and a con. Pro: siblings are great, especially as an adult. Con: I did feel attention starved at times. The older sibling is going through all the firsts, and the youngest understandably needed more tending to. I was left to get on by myself a lot, but hey, I’m never lonely. I’ve grown to be very happy with my own company.
Totally second this! I’ll add that as the only girl and middle of 3, it adds another layer of loneliness, mainly dealing with the different socialization/expectations based on gender. Despite my parents being loving and well intentioned, I fell through the cracks a lot. It was nice to have a big family tho!
Facts!!! Feel like I could’ve written this myself. My brother is also only 1 year older than me but our sister is 13 years younger so there was a HUGE age gap. Meaning I was also the 3rd parent 😅
I want two because personally I feel we'll be able to give them enough time and attention. I was a third child and felt very neglected of time and emotional support. My husband is 1 of 5 and also felt ignored.
I always wanted 3 kids because of the Simpsons haha. After I had my first I knew that two would be enough for us. Two hands, two eyes, two parents...all of that. Plus a first baby that was extremely high-needs. When my second was born (the minute she was born) I felt like my family was complete. ❣We were so sure that we were done that my husband had a vasectomy 6 months later:) My youngest is 6 and a half now and we have never once regretted our decision or felt incomplete. My mom had 4 and I saw what a struggle it was and I was definitely the 3rd parent (my parents still refer to me as such), I saw how little availability there was for each individual child. Two big factors that played a role in my feeling done at 2: Being emotionally available to 2 kids is a huge undertaking for someone who has their own mental health struggles and I want to be the very best mom I can be to my kids. I could feel 2 is my limit mentally. And secondly: I did not want my first daughter to inadvertently be parentified due to circumstances. The more kids you have, the more difficult it is to manage while letting the oldest fully be a child. One last thougt on gender: While when you have 2 girls (like I do) or 2 boys, people ask you constantly if you don't want to try for a boy / girl. The funny thing is that most people I know who have two of the same gender stopped at 2 while those who had a boy and a girl in most cases ended up going for a third. Don't know if that's just due to chance though. 🙃
This is true. My husband and I said we wanted 2 (hopefully a boy and a girl) and we ended up with 2 boys and I am now pregnant with our 3rd boy due this month lol. My husband is holding out for a girl but I think we were just meant to be boy parents
Mom to 4 here. I come from a big family (7 kids) and always knew I wanted kids. My husband and I agreed we would take it one at a time because every pregnancy/child really is its own journey, but we did have some idea of wanting 3-5 kids. I had heard people talk about feeling like their "family is complete" and after my first 3 kids I definitely didn't feel that. Now after having my 4th (3.5 months ago) I really do feel comfortable with the idea that we're done. I'm open to the possibility that I might change my mind, but I'm very content with my family as-is. In terms of how we decided, I have the same rule as Thomas and don't even think about it for 12-18 months postpartum. Babies are a challenge and adjusting to a new family dynamic takes time. Then we start talking about it and we weigh how much we want a baby vs what we can handle. As the kids you have get older they don't require the same level of physical help which makes a big difference. I also keep in mind that pregnancy is 40 weeks long; what our children are doing when I get pregnant is not the same stage they'll be at when baby is born. They'll be almost a year older, which makes things easier. I also don't have super easy pregnancies so that's a factor too. I want to address one last thing, in terms of how much time you'll have to spend with your kids. I'm not going to say that kids #2 #3 and #4 get the same amount of individual attention that #1 did. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, and having a sibling really is a gift. My kids love each other and watching them interact can be so heartwarming at times (and other times the fighting makes me want to rip my hair out 😅) but overall I am so happy they have each other and I know we made the right choice. Sorry for the long comment but I hope it helps!
Fascinating insights! Not a parent (and probably not ever gonna be a parent), but as a former youngest child in a four-children family, I'd caution against big age gaps. My mom popped out three kids in relatively quick succession and then I accidentally came along seven years later, so my experience of childhood was "an only child in a big family", i.e. I didn't really feel like I had siblings or the socialization benefits that come with that, but I also didn't get enough attention from my parents because there were so many of us. So, kinda the worst of both worlds, and it's had a lot of longlasting effects. I'm sure there are many other ways this can play out -- I think a lot of it depends on the atmosphere in the family, which you and Thomas seem to be doing great with -- and obviously you have your own experience of an age gap with Jessie, but just thought I'd share my experience as a little food for thought! Lots of love, and I'm sure we're all rooting for you to figure out what works for your family!
@@adriennesamantha things like being a very serious child because i spent my time with basically five adults and didn't realize i was supposed to be at a different life stage, not emulating them, and so feeling like i missed out on my childhood and becoming kind of stunted and what I'm sure many people would call childish as an adult. i was also super socially awkward as a child and teen, and though I've gotten better, i still don't really feel comfortable interacting with my peers, much comfortable with authority figures, elders, and children. feeling constantly inferior because everyone knows more than me, can do things better than me, I'm the only one who's messing up all the time (even though it's normal for children to not know how to do things and need help with them!!), which affects my confidence to this day, even after a decade of therapy trying to unpick the perfectionism. like in an emergency I'm never gonna be the one who steps up, 'cause I'm like "what if i get it wrong". becoming sickly (including what felt like a near -death experience though it probably wasn't) as a way to force my parents to pay attention, and i remain sickly as an adult, though to a slightly lesser extent. still, lots of health problems, and i can't really swing a full time job. feeling like my sisters were my aunts, or teachers, rather than siblings, and those bonds are only forming now in adulthood, but there's still so much distance and i don't think they'll ever be what they could've been. feeling like an outsider, because the three of them seemed like a set, and then there was me, utterly alone. perhaps i would've felt like that anyway, but i still feel like an outsider in pretty much any social group, no matter if all of us just met at the same time or we've known each other for ten years. there's probably more, and I'm sure some of these have more to do with the atmosphere in the family, which to be fair was emotionally distant, but i do feel like the age gap didn't exactly help. hope this provides some insight!
@@alissa6380 sorry for the late reply, that's true about spending time around a lot of adults but I have never heard of someone having this perspective before. I hope you are doing OK now
Those sweet baby toes at the end could change my mind!! I have two daughters aged 22 and 14 so quite a gap between them. My youngest was born when I was 30 and I too experienced the dread of being labeled a mother of AMA (advanced maternal age). There are many, many times when I wish I had one more because I would have loved having another daughter or changing it up and seeing what a son was about. But for financial reasons and time constraints we just couldn't do it. You guys will make the best decision for your family and we will just come along for the ride when you let us. 🥰
As someone from a family of 5, the bit about holidays is so true 😂 you have to get that third row in the car and the cot or pull out couch to fit everyone in
I usually don’t comment on videos but wanted to share my experience because this felt very relatable!! First, I come from a big family - middle of 7 kids. Some of my siblings resent the split attention, some think they were mini parents… I personally loved it. I love that I was never alone growing up. I think there were a lot of life skills that I gained that my husband (an only child) did not. My siblings are all adults now and we are friends, our kids are starting to grow up together and it’s beautiful. My parents didn’t hover over everything I did, but I see that as a positive since it made me a lot more independent and self sufficient. Whenever I really needed them, my parents fully showed up for me. Because they were there when it mattered, I never felt lacking. Now I have two kids who are similar in age to yours and we are debating #3. My first pregnancy/newborn stage was so challenging with the pandemic and some complications. I was depressed and isolated and didn’t want to go through it again. I only wanted to give him a sibling. My second pregnancy was a lot more positive, second labor was more difficult but weirdly empowering because right after I thought “I could totally have 2 more kids” lol WILD!! In my heart I don’t feel like our family is complete now. Costs are high and baby #3 could be what pushes me out of the workforce which I have mixed feelings about! When I see a family with 3-4 kids now I feel envious, which is a signal for me. All the positives might outweigh the negatives for us… delaying the official decision for a few more months and minds could change by then!
As the third of six I second this post so much-I love love love having my siblings and for example now that my parents are getting older it's also so amazing to have each other to make decisions about their care and being a team together, with different inputs all caring just as much
We’ve been debating whether we want one or none. Something about having multiple kids always seemed overwhelming to me and my husband had a horrible relationship with his older sister growing up. So once we decided to only have one (if we decide to) it seemed a lot more manageable to me. I’m betting that I’ll have an extremely hard time with the post-partum newborn stage and I feel like telling myself I’ll only have to do it once may make it more manageable. My grandma raised 14 kids (3 biological and 9 adopted from family) and she always said that when your baby hits 10-16 months old you’ll always want another one, no matter how many you have, don’t listen to that impulse/hormones and look at the facts. And I’ve realllllly seen that be true with so many of my friends. They go from saying “they are not having anymore/are completely overwhelmed/can’t afford anymore” to all of a sudden desperately wanting more. Thankfully not all of them give into that 😅 It’s okay to not always play life on hard mode.
Your timing, as usual, is perfect 😂 I’ve been OBSESSED with whether we will have a second child or stick with our only. I’m seriously overwhelmed most of the time and that’s my main reason, but it’s really hard to let go of the life you had imagined. I thought I wanted to be a SAHM to multiple kids. I LOVE being a mum, but it felt surprisingly great to go back to work after maternity and I am seriously leaning towards one and done. Thanks for the open discussion!
Gosh it's just so personal! I'm one of two (and the oldest) and was mostly ignored so just want the one child. Plus, both my job and my husband's job involves travel and I want to make sure both him and I can give sufficient time to our kid when the other is gone. It makes so much sense for us, but people are SO critical about 'just' having the one child. Ultimately you guys know what is best.
My mum has 4 kids. The last 2 were born around a decade after the first two. She always says it worked out for the best and she never really felt overwhelmed with us because the elder two were able to take care of themselves and were there to play with and watch the youngins when needed. She also didnt work full time. Things are so different now
My husband and I had a vasectomy after our second (I felt rushed into that decision, but at the time I couldn’t imagine having more). I didn’t think about it until my youngest became 2 and then I realized that was the worst decision of my life! If you can wait to decide, wait! It does get so much easier and your capacity will grow. We plan to have a reversal and try for more now that our oldest is almost 6 and our 2nd is three. I’m almost 35 so would be geriatric too ☺️ no rush deciding!
How you feel about having another baby is how I feel about having children in general. It flip flops all the time so making my mind up is really hard. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone!
If you're not 100% sure you want to do it, don't do it. I don't know any mothers who regret their children per se. But I know plenty of mothers who, if they had the choice to go back in time and not become mothers, they'd take it. A person who hasn't had babies can adopt, or foster, or try IVF, or surrogacy, or just find ways to support children in the extended family/community. But once the child is there, if you're unfulfilled and unhappy in parenting, your only options are to tough it out or traumatize your child by becoming an absent parent. There's no undo button. My mom is great with kids. And she knew that having babies meant bringing human beings into the world, with their own thoughts, passions, and challenges! She was (and still is!) excited to know us as people. That journey was always important to her, and made it worthwhile for her. And STILL, shit happened that she wasn't prepared for, and she handled it badly, and we all carry scars from that. We've worked through it as a family, but it would have completely broken us all if my mother hadn't been 100% sure that she WANTED to be a mother. Because sticking by all of us and keeping the family together after things blew up, and loving us unconditionally even when we were too hurt to return her love, that would have broken a woman who wasn't 100% sure.
We visualised three initially... but we had a really difficult delivery/postpartum period with our first to the point that we almost said one-and-done. We decided when our first was 2 that we were going to have a second child. Leading up to that, we spent many evenings debating a few factors 1) do we want to risk going through the physical/emotional trauma again 2) do we want to dedicate more years of our lives to night feeds and nappies and all the tough stuff that comes with babies 3) does our family picture feel complete? 4) the guilt of sharing our time between our first and another child 5) the guilt of our first not getting to experience a sibling relationship 6) the anxiety of our first being alone if anything happened to us 7) the financial cost of childcare for two because we both work... ...I'm 4 months pregnant with our 2nd. In the end we were willing to do the negatives ONE LAST TIME so that our family feels complete and so that my first could have a sibling. The idea of this being our last is bittersweet and it's painful letting go of that imaginary third child... but we can't do it again.
So many great comments. I'm going to make a decisive suggestion! (To see how you feel) - If it's not a resounding YES right now, why not wait a few years until it becomes one? I've had so many conversations and read so many threads about age gaps, that it really doesn't seem like there's an ideal. The ideal is parents who are available, stable and able to cope. Get them both to two years, finish the house, have a year investing in your work, then see.
I hear you, your feelings are valid. My little boy is 2 and I'm leaning more towards not having another. I've kept so much of his clothing just incase, but I think I know deep down they won't be used for another of my babies. I struggled with pre-natal depression, post-natal depression and severe post-natal anxiety. I can't risk going through that again. My husband is in the Royal Navy, he goes away for long periods of time whereby I'm then left alone to do everything - props to single mothers. I stepped back from my career, I breastfed for 2 years, I've planned my days around nap times etc and we're finally at the point he's starting to stop napping and it feels like I can give him days out without restriction, I love giving 100% to helping him with his development, I love giving him all my time and energy, I love that I can now have an evening with friends without feeling guilty. My child will ALWAYS come first, always... but I feel like I'm getting some of "me" back and I don't want to change that.
I’m pregnant with my third. My first is 15 and my second is three. Currently expecting number three. I don’t think I would have done it if my first wasn’t as old as he was. Two young kids is enough😂😂
I was one of three children. It put me off having more than one. My parents were generally great, but they were SO stressed out. Not just about money, but about time. Even just managing three different kids' schedules was so hard and everyone had to sacrifice so much.
The part of visualising the Christmas dinner with the number of kids I want, its like i want that table to be full but do i want to spend all my life raising kids and doing chores or do I want to spend my time doing something more to contribute to this world to make it a better place.
Yeah, I don't find that exercise very helpful... I think it's better to envision what you want your day-to-day life to look like. The Christmas dinner table is just a romanticised idea of parenthood and not necessarily the reality
Thank you for such an honest discussion on this. I'm 99% this pregnancy (baby #2) is my last and I'm LOVING soaking it all in and dreaming of a day when both kids sleep through the night reasonably consistently 😂 3 kids or more would be lovely (I'm from a big family myself) but I'm not sure I have the energy to be sleep deprived for that many years concurrently!! And knowing I'll never be severely morning sick again is a bonus!!
I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and plan on having tubal when I've healed from childbirth. My husband and I discussed how many kids and liked the thought of 2, this way when we are out we each get a kid to watch and aren't outnumbered.
So we have a very similar constellation you have, boy is now nearly 4, girl is 1,5. We love this stage very much and I always wanted three kids. But when my first one was born the pandemic started, it was so tough because nothing could have prepared me for that. Literally, he was a week old when the first lockdown started. It was so isolating and hard and took a toll on my mental health. But also my big family all came to visit and meet baby right after he was born because the lockdown was announced and it was not at all what we had wanted for everyone meeting him. It was chaotic and draining. The second one first my aunt died 9 days later, then my dad died right after, 12 days after she was born. It was completely unexpected, he was supposed to meet her two days later. It was so tough struggling with postpartum and grief. But also we had wanted a calm time for everyone to meet baby this time, one after the other, not all at once. Instead, we drove to my mum and it was pure chaos again. Grief, frustration, newly postpartum emotions and a funeral to arrange. This baby stage was also harder because my mental health went to shits with my dad's death and it took a bit for me to get back into therapy. I was doing so bad and hated the mum I became because of it. I'm better now thanks to therapy but it was so rough on everyone. Honestly we're scared of what will happen if we have a third. I'm already struggling with my depression much more than I was with one and I don't think I can do three kids. I struggle with that decision as well but in the end we believe it's for the best. My husband is happy to be done after two, I'm struggling either way. But I'm happy with the two, my heart just yearns for a third one but honestly, I don't think I can do three kids. Not with the state of my mental health and also me still being in uni. It makes me sad because I always wanted three but it's just the right decision for us as a couple, as a family and for the kids.
I’m currently pregnant for the first time, and I know I don’t want more children than adults in the house. But I told my husband I won’t even commit to 2 until we see how this first one goes!
You brought something up that I as a single Child Free both by choice and not, woman in their 30's had noticed and couldn't see a easy solution for. You talk about how hard it is to fit socialising with your friends, particularly when the kids are there and wanting to and not being able to give that person your whole attention. I often have had that either expressed to me or it's occurred to me on several occasions. I think one maybe us non parents or parents of older kids need to realise that you will be able to reconnect property when the kids are a bit older and to check in occasionally but allow some space and therefore relieve the pressure a bit. It's a recognition on both sides that for a season other relationships need to take priority. There does not seem to be easy answer though.
This is such a tough decision!! I’m one of 7 kids, and can confirm that the older kids look after the younger kids… I also think that odd numbers of kids are trickier as there’s pretty much always an “odd one out” between them all (as the 3rd child with a big gap before my next sibling, I constantly experienced this!) There’s so many pros and cons either way. I personally decided to stop after 2 kids, and I’m very happy with that. I saw my parents really unable to have a life outside of parenting, and it was so very drawn out, & I made the decision that I didn’t want that; but there are days when I regret not having more 🤷♀️
I am one and done but my partner would love another. I feel very overwhelmed by parenting, in part due to childhood trauma and another part being the lack of a 'village'. We also pay £750 a month for nursery 3 days a week, we were wondering if we could afford a second once the first goes to school but actually our mortgage is due for renewal at that time and will likely add £500 to our bills.... I just cannot take the risk :(
We have 5 and I honestly considered combination feeding my 4th at the time despite being an IBCLC. Still ended up exclusively breastfeeding number 4 and now still feeding number 5 whom I had at 39. It can be exhausting but we are ok and wouldn't want to miss any of them! 🥰
I am super open to it! I just know that people in the industry I am in really struggle to make it through the adoption process/ fears around child exploitation which are so understandable. I think if I were to adopt I would want to adopt an older child, not a baby, and I would want to do it when my current children are bigger! Adoption is SO beautiful ❤️ So many children need loving homes x
true but you have to really feel like you are cut out for it, it's not for everyone, especially since you might be waiting for years and years for it to go through.
We have a 2yo kid and we are both 33, and this season of life has been very intense for us for a lot of reasons (most unrelated to having a child, but that obviously was intense) and we don't feel like we want any more children maybe ever. We talk about this every few months and we always arrive to the same conclusion: we are happy with our little family, we could be very happy with "one and done", but if an unexpected pregnancy were to happen we would be okay with that. Maybe in a few years we'll feel differently, and we'll see then, I don't think being pregnant after 35 is such a big deal, most people I know had kids around that age or later, we even were the first ones in our groups of friends at 31! But I do dread the hormonal shifts and lack of sleep, my anxiety was frankly dangerous at times and depression is a bitch, my husband had both of those as well postpartum! People don't talk about this enough, thankfully we got through it together and with help, but it was hard and we don't want to go through it again. At the same time, we enjoyed our baby so much, the love is crazy ❤ I think it is okay to not have a definitive answer to the question, most things in life are like that I think, and eventually it's clearer. It's hard to let go of the what-if but that's just life
This was really helpful to read, thank you. My son is 10 months and I've been seriously struggling with not having a definitive answer to whether we will have another. We're almost certain we are one and done, but I feel there is still a flicker of a possibility of a second. I really can't cope with not knowing what the future will bring, but alas, that is life!
I had my first baby at 38….a healthy baby boy who’s 15 months now. I’m 18 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and I’ll be just two months shy of 40 around my due date. Yes, there’s slightly more of a risk having a baby after 35 - but it’s not as much as you would think. It depends on a lot of different factors as you can be under 30 and still have a high risk pregnancy too. At my Obgyn - they have always expressed to me how many women in their mid-late 30s/early 40s are having healthy pregnancies/babies now & they never bring up my age- only when I’ve asked questions.
I have two kids, my girl is 2,5 and my boy is 7 months. The feeling of wanting another one started when the youngest was 3 months. The big difference is that I'm a single mom by choice. So taking care of 3 kids alone kind of terrifies me 😅, but I've always pictured myself having three. Luckily I turned 29 this year so I have more time to think about it because I definitely want a bigger age gap between the youngest and a potential baby. It's a very difficult topic to think about. Good luck with whatever decision you guys make!
I’m not sure if this will help you guys or not, but I work with parents who have told me their paycheque is for their child’s nursery/childminding costs and they break even and have more or less nothing left. While their partners income covers living costs. The reason they say they still work is because when their children are 3-4 and start free preschool or reception, they’ll have had a lot of time out of industry and getting back into industry can be very hard and at interview you won’t be chosen over someone who’s been working consistently. I’m not sure if this will help you with deciding but I hope it helps.
If it makes you feel better, there really isn’t a massive fertility drop off at 35, it’s still kinda gradual and the risks are higher, but actually not by that much. You still have time if you want it or need it and I hope you take a minute to relax and breathe!! Love your videos and hope you find the right path ☺️
This was such a good, honest chat! I totally agree the lack of support for parents nowadays is so bad and needs to change! But I will say, as one of four (2nd oldest, but oldest female) and the child who was very much 'parentified' and robbed of a childhood to help out with younger siblings - I think one of the least talkedd about challenges with having so many kids is managing all their emotional and developmental needs from 4+ ... it is super hard to do them all justice, no matter how good of parent you are! xx
my first born is 5 months and people ask "is he gonna get a sibling?" Me and my husband nearly wee ourselves laughing, like absolutely no way ahaha. Kids are SO stressful, we're done
I had my son at 39 and it was a perfectly healthy pregnancy and my baby is thriving. I know that’s just anecdotal but you’re still young. If you read about statistics the dangers don’t actually increase massively. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Can't wait to fully watch this video! I always wanted Four kids, now I got two (2 and 4years) and I needed to realize that for now, I just couldn't handle more kids, not financially or space wise but also I wanna achieve stuff outside of motherhood and I love that I am getting a bit of me-time/work time back, when they are in nursery. I always was SO sure that I wanted Four, that it was quiet a process to understand that it is totally fine to "only" have two kids (the actress Mayim Bialik (Amy from Big Bang theory) got a cool video from years ago about exactly this feeling on her RU-vid channel)😊
I’m 32 and have a 6 month old, most days are a struggle. I still have no time for myself, the house is a mess I try to conquer every day and I’m lucky if I get to eat something for dinner. My husband wants another 2 kids. It sounds bad but sometimes I wonder whether I was even meant to be a mum, I’ve lost my identity completely. It’s easy for my husband as he hasn’t had to sacrifice anything for us, my life has changed completely - financially too. Currently to figure out whether another baby will push me over the edge or not!
You are still very much in the thick of it. When my first was a baby I had postpartum depression and felt like I had completely lost myself. I doubted if I was fit to be a mom like you are doing now. I think many people go through this. The first year is so freaking hard. It will get so much better, I promise you. My kids are 6 and 9 and that first year of my first (which is the biggest hurdle in my opinion because of the whole revolution of becoming a mom) is a very distant memory now, but i do remember how hard it was. I was ready for a second when my first turned 2 and got pregnant a few months after that. They have a 3 year age gap and it's perfect. You do not have to even think about having another right now. I honestly don't understand how anyone is ready for another when their first is only a few months old. I guess it also depends how "easy" the first baby is. Try to take care of yourself whenever you get a chance, I feel like that's how I slowly got my identity back, in all these small little moments where I would do something for myself. Writing down my feelings and thoughts also helped (5 minutes at a time) Little by little, the fog lifts and you will feel like yourself again. 🌹
I'm in the same boat but I have a 10 month old. At the moment when I imagine him being my only, I actually feel a bit relieved. But I'm prepared for that feeling to change. However, when I see people having 3 or 4 kids with only a 2 year age gap or less... I am baffled - how can someone manage pregnancy while taking care of a little one? And then juggling the 2 of them? I know I don't need to decide now but I want the peace that comes with making the decision
I totaly get the vision of your future christmas table with multiple children. Or, like in my case, me being 50 with my kids all grown up coming to dinner with their little ones. Lovely. But i think that „pushing them out all at once” is a great way to give yourself a breakdown. If you need a break, give yourself one. You always might have then in few years and then have another two. It works great, sibling havinng a pair in a similar age. I know few families like that irl and it seems like great idea imo
This is such a lovely video. There’s just something so natural about it. Eating on the sofa all chill like I might do with a sister with no pressure and the kiddie blankets. Just so normal!
So me and my partner are planning to be childfree as of right now, we're early to mid-20s now. We have a lot of reasons for why this seems to be the preferred route, but most notably we don't know if we'll ever be able to buy a house for ourselves, let alone for an entire family. We are also both very anxious about the climate crisis and don't feel comfortable bringing in another person when we can't figure it out for ourselves yet. We are also a mixed nationalities couple so finding somewhere where we would settle is a bit tricky - and so also putting children through moving countries might be a bit difficult. And the cherry on the cake - we are both neurodiverse and I personally do not know how I would deal with a baby making noise most of the day if I can at times barely tolerate my partner chewing. :D And on a more selfish level I am not sure if I can currently say with any confidence I would be okay with the bodily changes this would bring. Tl;dr - plenty of reasons not to have children, hardly any reasons to have them. I have been considering donating my eggs, but that is probably the extent of either one of us having kids at the moment. The only idea we have played with is adoption as then we can avoid a lot of the aspects of having our own children we might not deal so well with and also that is something the biological clock cannot be against.
I always wanted 3 kids because I always wanted a big family and 3 seems like an amount of children I can handle. But my partner only wants 1-2 because he says a third will only add up a lot financially (just as Thomas said with the hotel room, car and stuff). So we agreed on 2 and if I still should be broody when I‘m closer to 40, we will try for a third one as long as I‘m healthy and we‘re well set off financially.
I'm your age Melanie and I have 8 and 9 year-old girls - it really does change as they get older! We now all sit and chat about our days around the table, their sense of humour has me absolutely dead most days 😂 and I love all our personalities bouncing off each other, so there are times when I really wish we'd gone in for a 3rd and 4th... But I know me and my body and I really couldn't go through the pregnancy/0-3 stage again 🙈 I LOVE the idea of having more personalities round the table, but equally as one of three girls myself, I also know that it doesn't always work out that everyone gets along. It's so nuanced! I hope that whatever decision you make that it brings you a lifetime of joy and contentedness ☺️✨️💚 xx
Hi Melanie and Thomas, I'm 27, and a newly qualified high school teacher in Scotland. My boyfriend and I have just moved into our first Home. He's the a little older than me but in no way thinking about kids yet, I have a huge maternal instinct but since working with teenagers, I've been put off 😂. My friends and family are starting to have babies and I definitely have days where having a baby is the only thing I want. Then skip to 3 days later and I'm teaching in school and I'm thinking "Oh my days how do people do this?!". I have always wanted 2 to 4 before I'm 35 but at the moment I don't see that happening. I know a few people who are nearly 60 and child free. The thought of me doing that kind off breaks my heart a little. So who knows? Personally having taught many children to swim and as a teacher parents tell me it's the 2nd child that is the hardest, and it starts getting easier at 3, or 4 especially if some start going off to school. I think Thomas is right in that it's a new season of your life and in terms of making time for yourself and your relationship, that will get easier in time. Your youngest is still very little. In addition you're on a path of growth to a new version of you and part of that new I dentity is being mum and dad. It's such a hard thing to navigate, thst fact that you are really digging deap and questioning what's nest for your family is amazing. You guys are terrific parents already, just give yourself time, you'll make the right decision at the right time. ❤
Is a hard desition but I think no matter what, having a baby is always a blessing! Many things can go wrong all the time, that’s life, but having the blessing of experience and getting to know another child, there is nothing like that.. not the best trip or the best house or hobby is as amazing as the bond you will have with your child ❤
Got 2 and that is more than enough! haha My eldest (daughter) is now 18 and my youngest (son) is 14 so they almost entertain themselves these days 😜 Having one of each is great so no more wanted for me 😎
Always wanted kids but it has to be with the right (have yet to meet him!) and my thoughts are ; if I’m blessed to have one healthy baby then I’m okay with that but it would be nice to have 2 so they always have a sibling either naturally or adoption
I have 2 boys, 2 and 4. I thought I never wanted another and now I’m really feeling like I would like a bookend. I know you want to not be a “geriatric” pregnancy, but life does really get better and more balanced I promise. My first son is in half day school. I am with them all day and work 3 days a week from 6pm-12am. So I know how if is to kinda do it all and feel like it’s all not perfect. But it does get better and my tolerance for my own imperfection is improving.
Ya know candid videos like this just keep people informed and honest, at least for me. I have always wanted to have two kids, cause I am an only child, so I wanted my child to have a sibling but I've always been open to any number, even just one. Oddly though the older I get without much prospect of having any kids the more comfortable I get with just being an amazing Aunt to my best friends and cousin's kids. None of them have kids yet because I'm the oldest of them all sans one and she's the closest to potentially having any if she and her fiance decide they don't care about the genetic lottery and want to put their family to that next level. I also would be cool with having them close together for just one-two honestly and I potentially according to genetics could very easily have twins so that would weirdly be awesome even though I can't truly imagine how hard it would be. Such a dump of all the thoughts I've had swirling around my head for the last few years about kids, which is kinda hilarious cause I'm not in a relationship and I'm not actively pursuing one either. But still.
Remember that the period where it feels incredibly hard and demanding is short lived. When kids reach 3/4 they suddenly become much more independent in play and life. Not including if you send them to normal school! My oldest is 4.5 and he just plays all day and entertains the younger and is such a helper and blessing! I’m also homeschooling and it honestly feels so much easier now than even when I only had 1 kid! The more kids I have the more I relax into parenting and truly just start creating MY dream life and including my kids in it. I think it gets easier and easier! I used to want like 8 and after my first I was like wow!! No way! Then after my second I was like wow! This is crazy and now I have a 4 and 1 year old and I see how much easier it is and how they entertain each other and I’m back on the more more more train!!
I always pictured myself having three children. At the moment I am 29, still living with my parents (until February) and not sure if I've found the right partner yet. So only time will tell, I know how fast everything can change but for now I definitely hear the clock ticking..
I really appreciate this video! Its refreshing to see parents being completely honest and discussing having children in a logical way. I’ve never wanted kids and all the cons you mentioned pretty much sums up why for me but I think a lot of parents online like to paint this perfect picture and make out it’s always this amazing experience. But the hard parts really put me off tbh. And I do think a lot of people who want multiple children are kind of driven by the fact that they miss the newborn baby stage. I always look at families that have like 4+ kids and think there’s no way you could go to work, do all your house work and give each kid the equal amount of time and attention.
I thought I only wanted 2 but after being with my husband and seeing how we navigate parenthood together, we are having our 3rd this month and if all goes well with the birth/ postpartum, we will probably stop at 4. After 2, it all seems the same but I will definitely have to get back to you on that in a few months lol. Ours are almost exactly 2 years apart: Nov. 2019, Oct 2021, and now Oct 2023 but I knew I wanted them back to back to get it all done at once if possible To be fair, we both "work from home". We have military benefits and are in school which we also get paid to do so we basically get to stay home and pay for our necessities without having jobs which we know is a very privileged and not common situation
I'm not planning to have kids any time soon but I've always said I want the number of adults in the house to be greater than or equal to the number of kids😂
As part of a family of five- you can usually get a cot sent to your room at a hotel if you ask. My family always just got one hotel room on family vacations.
I would love more children. I always wanted 4 but I currently have 1 and I'm exhausted. I am a SAHM and I teach music lessons in the evening and I frequently do not have any help. My parents will help but they are an hour and half from me and so it isn't easy for them to come out and help. My in-laws have said no to helping me at all. My husband cannot cope with our daughter for more than two hours on his own. So I feel like I might crack if I have more. Developing postpartum depression and anxiety has not helped also and a potential new diagnosis of ADHD has made it clear that I get overwhelmed even quicker. I want more but I don't know if I could handle it. If I lived closer to my mom and dad I probably wouldn't hesitate. My parents are absolute angels. I also just would rather be the best mom to my daughter than give her a sibling. So I am going to wait until my daughters 2nd birthday and see if I still want another. Also give my mental health sometime to get better.Currently I am 30 so I am aware that I have time, but I know if each child is three years apart eventually I would become an geriatric mother. So if I do decide to get pregnant again, I would somehow prefer twins. I have a family history of twins. I think it take away some of the decision making.
Imagine you've already made the decision not to have another one. Fully commit in your mind to that decision. Then see how you feel. Are you relieved? Or disappointed? We have just had our second at 36 yo and we're done. No one ever mentioned me being geriatric and I was considered low risk and had the water birth I wanted.
With my first child I was 20 when I got pregnant and had her at 21. I loved my pregnancy, it was during the pandemic so I was able to relax a lot and obviously I was child free so that makes a big difference. So I was very excited to be pregnant again with my second child. However like your experience, my second pregnancy was soooo much harder. I hated being pregnant and I was so miserable, I was so sick and I hurt sooo much. I was pregnant at 22, had him at 23 and that’s still so young so I can’t even imagine how hard it would be a third time round and older. That all being said, I’m the youngest of 3, and like Thomas I have this “need” to have another. When I picture Christmas in the future I see myself, my partner and our 3 children. I desperately want another, but I also know how hard its been having 2 kids so young and close together. I don’t really want to go through pregnancy again, unless it’s like my first pregnancy. I work part time in the evenings after my partner comes home from work so I can be the main caregiver and bc childcare is too expensive for our family to justify. There’s so many really valid reasons for us to stop at 2, but there’s something in me that just wants/needs another but with very little “valid” reasons for it. It’s such a hard decision and I wish there was an easy way to answer it. I just fear that one day I’ll be in my 40/50’s+ and saying ‘I wish we had another one’ bc I know that’s how my mother in law feels
I'm the 2nd oldest of 5 kids and I always wanted a big family myself. I loved being in a family of 7, so I always thought 4 kids at minimum. However, I was in my early 30s when my hubby and I got married and wanted to start our family. So then we talked about it and went down to 3. I had my son when I was 35 and half, and I'm now 37 trying for my 2nd. We sadly have had a couple of losses (ectopic and chemical before our first and just had an early miscarriage a couple of weeks ago) so we are going to stop at 2 kids (hopefully the next will come soon!). I don't say that for sympathy, just to share our story in case it resonates with anyone 😊 Deciding on 2 was a mix of I personally don't want to be having babies after 38, and also financially we feel our 2 kids would get way more out of life rather than if we had a 3rd and had to split it again. I wouldn't change how we have gone about things. It is what works for us, and it's so personal for everyone. I'm also just rambling now 😂
I’m 33 and have a 2 year old and pregnant with my second. Definitely two 💜 Reasons include my age and health (each birth is a risk as you age), emotional (I want to be fully present for two, yet have a balanced family dynamic), financial & support (private education maybe, help with their house deposits etc.) and environmental (don’t want to overload the planet and leave it a mess for them) - but just my opinions!
Thanks for sharing. I am shocked by the price of a childminder in Ireland. My mum is one in England and charges around £5 per hour per child. I am lucky that when I am ready for kids (maybe in a year or two), she's promised me free childcare 2 days a week! My partner and I want at least 2 kids if it is possible but are waiting for a pay rise as finances are definitely a factor and we're torn if we want to get married first.
Oh this is one of the most relatable videos I’ve ever watched! I currently have a 10-month-old daughter (next week) and before her I lost my son at 24 weeks pregnant - because of our loss and my incredibly traumatic birth experience, we have very much decided we are one and done. Before my daughter, I was very sure I wanted three kids plus but sadly not to be. I just can’t do it again!
We have children very similar ages, I'm only 6ish months ahead of you ages wise. I felt the same way until recently now that the kids are older we've decided to have a third. I have a feeling you'll be doing the same. Best of luck deciding ❤️
I grew up as one of two kids and it was nice having a sibling. I've never wanted my own kids but I might consider fostering in the future if my life becomes stable enough - I'm disabled and at the moment it's already a significant struggle just looking after myself!
this happened with me and my husband. we had 1 girls and 1 boy. I felt our family wasn't complete yet but my husband was all done. well the decision was taken out of our hands we now have a third baby who is 3 months old and there is something very special about a 3rd child. its the first baby I felt I fully knew what to expect and I was the most prepared so I had the opportunity to enjoy the little moments more and stress a little less about things I would have stressed about before. I embraced it all. life is absolutely crazy with 3 but I know this is exactly what we needed x
We have a one year old and another on the way. We went for the ole “pull the plaster off and do it in one go” method as you mentioned. We’re absolutely delighted but I’m nervous about how it’ll affect our dynamic with our first. She is the most perfect little thing in the world, I just hope we can manage the transition to two without her feeling a huge difference in the amount of attention we can give her ❤
Currently 8 months pregnant with baby 3, and in theory would want one more…. 3 is the number my husband and I settled on. We have a 2.5 year old and a 4.5 year old, so in some ways it does feel like we’re going back into the chaos of babyhood lol. My husband is much more concerned with day to day logistics and finances- I’m very much more in love with birth/new babies/the idea of what I want our family to be like sitting around the table some day. I think both perspectives are important and provide balance. We don’t have family help, but we do have some financial assistance through work for childcare (our oldest started part time school at 2.5, and our middle started when he was 15 months), and next year the oldest will start kindergarten, which were factors in our timing for baby 3. We’re also American, and currently have very good insurance, which was also a consideration.
I'm 30 with a 2yr old and a 10 month old. I'm on the 100% gonna try for a third boat. I still have so many of the same fears as you guys...i feel it so deeply...but my biggest push is to see my three kids together watching a movie and laughing together. Having inside jokes altogether. Calling each other on the phone if they need something and if the first doesn't answer, they call the other. It's so so fulfilling as an adult to have my 3 siblings. Only one of my siblings has kids and i love his kids, I'm glad at least one of my siblings has kids and our kids are all cousins together. My other two siblings make me laugh all the time. They love my kids and have helped me when i had kids. Siblings are the people you will know the longest in your life. Longer than even your parents. So. It isn't a small thing, giving your kids another sibling. It's a massive help in life. Given that you do your best to give them a peaceful home to grow a good bond.
Idk if it'll ever happen for me (some days taking care of myself and two cats is already too much), but ideally I'd want 2-3 kids. I think it's nice to grow up with a sibling, but whether 2 or 3 is probably a decision I'd ultimately make like you - when there're already two and I can make a more realistic estimate about whether there is even energy, time, and money available for a third. But I think you don't need to rush it. The body gets better at retaining pregnancies with every one, and since you've had two healthy babies, there is little reason to assume that your fertility would suddenly completely plummet within a few years. In Germany, while having your first baby past 35 automatically puts you in the higher risk category, when it's your 2nd or 3rd child you aren't put in the higher risk cat untill you're past 40. I agree with another comment that you've had a lot of stressors at once between the pandemic and the reno, etc, any maybe as we move away from the pandemic, and your first one starts kindergarden and eventually school, your perspective will shift. Or maybe your other kids will be old enough to have their own thoughts and feelings about the idea of another sibling, and this will influence you too. I think Thomas probably has a good point with the 18 months ;) In any case, good luck with the decision!
