I had a supervisor at university who was 83. When she was in her early 20s she got pregnant and was fired from her secretarial job (it was the 60s). She got a divorce soon after for all the above reasons and moved to a cheap village within commute of London. She got a high paid job to support her, child and her sister who'd recently had a child and been thrown out of work and by her partner. Over the years more and more women came to live with them. At one point, my supervisor had the whole team of men beneath her at work come complain because they thought they should be in charge because 'we are supporting our families.' She replied, 'I am supporting a village. Now get back to work.' She passed away last year but she remains my hero.
@@caterinas6863 she was just extremely good at the job and got promoted very fast. It was a long long time ago when you didn't need the same qualifications. I have worked in the same industry today without qualifications. I don’t want to say the industry because I don't want to say who she was. She never got a PhD or a masters. I'm not even sure she had an undergrad. It didn't matter for the subject she taught. She taught at my university in her 80s based on the work she had done in her life. She didn't come from money, but she was white which always helps.
Ah I see what you're saying@@caterinas6863 yes it's likely this supervisor came from money at that time- especially if she was working in a university in an academic capacity. To be honest though, there's a chance she didn't hold a PhD depending on the area of study and nature of this supervision. It might not be that the OP was being supervised for a PhD but rather a masters. Also I don't think from what the op wrote i would assume her role as a supervisor at a university started in the 60s but rather she climbed her way up slowly until she ended up in that role. Still an achievement.
'men are visual creatures' until theres shite marks on the bog and 3 weeks worth of laundry on their floor. I'm the youngest child and a wild disappointment to my family that I don't want to play housewife, and that is what so much of it is, a play, a little pat on the head when the house is clean just to do it again tomorrow... bog off 😅
Weaponised incompetence was literally a topic I was hoping you would talk about. I feel like it’s something us as women find ourselves getting accustomed to when it really shouldn’t be something we allow.
My mom refers to the housework (laundry, cooked meals, cleaning, etc.) as the “invisible work of women” & I’ll never see it the same!! Women are constantly doing sooo much that isn’t always seen, but always gets done 👏🏼 thanks for this video!
when you talked about the sex drive of women after having a baby and said "how could you be attracted to someone that´s literally a baby" hilarious, but also SO REAL !!!! there´s probably some women who feel like this even without having a child with their partner, just because their partner is an actual man child.
I think it’s important to realise that the world we live in today is not standard or normal. It’s only recently that we started living so individualistically, it’s not normal for a woman to have to raise a child with only the support of one other adult. We lived in tribes with the land for millions of years. Everyone is struggling with the realities of today. No wonder it doesn’t feel right and we are experiencing all of these strange phenomenon.
My ex was 10 years older than me and I was expected to do all of the house hold chores, weekly shop, and cooking just because I worked from home. After a long day of work, cleaning and cooking he threw his knife and fork off the table as he could tell my food “wasn’t cooked with love that day”. Safe to say I’ve never been happier leaving that dynamic
"how could you be attracted to someone who is literally a baby" sooo true lmao !!!! my mum and my best friends mum are both women who just couldn't rely on their husbands after having children bc of weaponised incompetence and them just being total archetypal man children. They have both said that once they had to start mothering their partners the attraction was just gone which is something that I've just got a built in mental alarm for now. I'm bi and have dated both men and women as well as my current partner who is trans-masc/ non-binary and the division of labour is so insanely easy in queer relationships. I don't work rn because I'm at uni and have p debilitating adhd but they are working pt and at uni too, so I've taken on more of the household chores and they buy more groceries (we still pay equal rent/bills). I think it's so interesting though that whenever I'm overwhelmed it's not even a question and they jump in to help, or if they have time off it's totally equal. I think the ease of these conversations in a queer relationship is so stark in contrast to being in cis/het relationships n defo want to read more studies about it. Must say though I think the way I've been socialised as a girl/woman has a huge impact bc even though I know my partner does not have traditional expectations, I STILL find myself putting so much pressure on myself if I've not kept up with housework, and I'm always talking down to myself about not doing enough, totally punishing myself over it mentally n idk why I can't stop it.
My parents both work. Mum is a nurse, dad is some kind of manager. My dad excuses my mum doing all the cooking and cleaning because “he makes more money” and looks after the finances. She works a more physically tiring job.. then goes home and does house work. He didn’t even know where the washing machine was after 2 years in the house.
Dude it’s real. My ex never ate vegetables and his mom would make passive aggressive comments about me “forcing” him to eat things when I was literally just making dinner and offering him some veg. She genuinely saw no issue with the fact that her son was a grown man and only ate chicken nuggets and chips.
Generally men are hugely infantilised by their mothers, big sisters etc. It's a form of abuse. Mothers do it to hold onto control in the home by keeping them semi dependent and small. Lots of fathers do it to daughters too, usually more around money and traditional "man" things though like cars etc. It's all down to power and control and unfortunately a lot of emotionally dysfunctional parents engage in this behavior unconsciously because the home is the only place they get to feel big
genuinely feel so lucky that my bf and i are so good at sharing the house workload (although i will say it's funny because i definitely do the cyclical thankless jobs like the washing 😭), but he makes the dinner 5 - 6 times a week and also does the weekly shop. it helps we dont have kids too. however, i think the only reason he is good like that is because he grew up with a bad relationship with his mum and got kicked out at 16. hate how he needed to be traumatised in order to learn how to help out!
My mum has always sang my father's praises when it came to the nightimes with me and my brother when we were wee babies. My mum breastfed us both and when we woke up to feed in the night, my dad would get up with my mum and make her a cup of tea and sit with her. He was always set on being there with her for it all, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for how high he has set that bar. True partnership in what can be and often is a deeply unbalanced experienced.
This video is so important, I might pluck up the courage to send it to my mam !!! I hope that all of us raise our future children right no Irish mammy/ Irish son silly business
God, my last relationship I did all the chores (even the bins!!), if I didn't do it - it wasn't done. I tried so hard to communicate how draining this was, and he just didn't seem to care. I wasn't even asking 50/50, I literally said I wanted 70/30, I did all the cooking, laundry, hoover, and dishes. He did nothing. Truthfully I enabled it, but whats the alternative? Living in filth?
this is one of them videos I wish I could like and infinite amount of times. its articulated so well and is infuriating in a sense that the people engaging with it are mostly the people who already agree and experience this (which is amazing to contribute to the discussion), instead of those who need the reality check or could benefit from hearing this perspective
So good. It took me a long time to realize I was enabling this behavior in my marriage. After lots of conversations and disagreements and two kids later, I’m confident we’ve found a better balance. I stay home (by choice), he works 5-6 days a week. We split the domestic jobs traditionally, but in the evening and on weekends we split 50/50: I cook he cleans kitchen, I nurse baby he cares for toddler. And weekends we both try to get “me time” because neither of us really clock out until we are alone!!
The question thing drives me crazyyyyyy! My dad does it constantly, he once asked me what time high tide was??? Like id know that off the top of my head
2 weeks before our lease was up and we were due a final inspection (and after 6 flat inspections where I deep-cleaned the flat myself with no help) I took my expensive hoover and just left. Good luck bro!
such an important topic thanks for sharing! Unfortunately it won't be mostly men who hear it. The modern world has made men emotionally immature which sucks for everyone including them. I was watching Khadija Mbowe on youtube and they were saying how men are used to being so focused on themselves and have all the woman's attention and when a baby comes along they have to give more and get less but they can't be upset about it cause that's immature. Also yes women are expected to do the work but at the same time are silenced and men are praised for the most basic things. I'm speaking generally hear but God it's exhausting
Thank you so much for shining a light on this! It baffles me why most fathers consider this acceptable, especially when almost all parents work. I’m a painter and decorator, I worked this manual job until 37 weeks, then I returned three days a week when baby turned 4 months, my partner works full time. Housework isn’t really a point of contention as for the most part we do share it, but leisure time is. When I finish work, I don’t just clock off, i can’t go to golf or play on the Xbox, I obviously have to care for the baby, and so should he, he can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that going for a shower isn’t a break for me (duh) we’re working on it as baba is only 9 months so I understand we both have to adjust but it definitely irks me!
Omg this infuriated me. I feel exactly the same way. My baby is 4 months and I'm exclusively breast feeding, he's working full time. I do all house work apart from cooking dinner as it's during babies bedtime routine ( but I wash up in the morning) and washing, as we dont have a machine in the flat, i also fold and put away clothes! But I don't get any free time what's so ever, barely get 2 showers a week! And I do all night feeds/wakes so am knackered, and he naps at the weekends because hes tired from work. Omg it's infuriating, we are best friends and had so much love before having our lil one, but now I don't ever think about romance or cuddles or even spending time together because I'm so run down and tired and emotionally drained
"The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by Bell Hooks is a greattttt resource. Anytime I'm like -- "Why is he like this...?" + "When/how will it change...?" THAT book.
To be fair, the driving whilst tired applies to men too. It's dangerous for anyone behind the wheel, and my husband has to drive to work. Thats why I always take the night shift with our baby because my husband has to be up for work at 3AM. Plus I'm exclusively breastfeeding, so I may as well take the night shift...if I'm really that tired, I just sleep when baby sleeps 🤷🏿♀️
When you said "I hope this made you feel angry", yup! Sure did! I am not a naturally tidy person so it takes a lot of effort for me to keep my spaces nice and clean, which, ironically, is how I like them. On top of my own shit, I literally don't have the bandwidth to be picking up my bf's dirty sock and knickers as well! And yet, (really feeling the point you made about how shameful it feels to have a messy home as an adult woman) i do. The funny thing is, bc my bf likes cooking and doesn't mind doing the shopping, all the older women in my life tell me how lucky i am. My mum: "Your father would never have lifted his arse to do that"... instead of this making me feel better and like I have one of the good ones, it makes me feel hopeless, like although men might be a little bit more domesticated now, there's still an awful long way to go. I long for the day when I can afford to hire a cleaner.
Not the point but you brought back a memory id forgotten there, I had that elephant when I was little or one of my siblings did (im 36 and the eldest of 4)
I disagree about the parent working having to divide the night feeds. Driving to work, working at a job needing full mental capacity needs to good night sleep. The mam is usually home those first few months when night feeds occur. It still sucks but better than one parent gets a fairly good night's sleep. Just my opinion.
Literally watching this while cleaning up after the dinner i made for him because 'i cleaned the kitchen before you made dinner' ie. the dinner mess he didnt clean last night 🙄🙄🙄🙄 when i try to have convos about chores he says hes better then most men, which im sure is true, but thats still not enough.
so true. my sister had my nephew around a year ago. She is in a cis straight relationship. i dont know the ins and outs of their habits/relationship but the impression i get is that the night feeds are every other night, but how does her husband in his free time/nights off is able to go to the pub etc but for whatever reason she cannot? maybe because she is more tired than him due to the mental labour of having a child, having a job, doesn't have the social network in the same way that the man in a traditional relationship can have throughout pregnancy etc. although in some ways, i.e. cooking, cleaning, the relationship may be fair, mental burden and how society is set up obstructs women from having the same experience a man may have when having a child. Also the mental burden of having to raise a 'good man,' whatever this may mean, in a patriarchal white s*premec*st society definitely falls on her more - i feel this is something men rarely think about when they have a boy, although i could be wrong.
Love is transactional to some degree though, unless you are dealing with someone who is helpless. Assuming we are talking about able bodied adults, in order to foster and grow love it has to be reciprocal. That means supporting each other as you move through life and if one partner is doing all or most of the heavy lifting in the support column, the candle of resentment is light. It burns slowly and quietly at first. But if it's not extinguished at some point with conversation and actual meaningful changes in behavior, it slowly gets bigger....and bigger..... and bigger until one day you look around and you are completely engulfed in raging flames. Talk is cheap! If you're lazy enough to let your campfire rage out of control, all the talk in the world won't put that bonfire out. You best start carrying your share of the water now before it's too late.
I’ve followed you foreverrrrrr i know you’ve had ups and downs with friends. But I was wondering if u could touch base on the feeling like nothing working? Like I’ve been trying to do solo activities like go to a bar for live music or concerts, yoga classes, even joined a damn pottery class. But I still don’t have any friends really. Idk just thought id see what u would have to say for actual extreme loneliness even after trying? ( I do see a therapist idk I just feel like u would have a good thought on this)
Parents need to parent their boys, like teach and make it a habit for their boys to do BASIC life skills like chores. Mothers need to stop catering to their every sloth behavior and teach their boys to do their own laundry for example, and help out around the house. MEN, believe it or not, need to also set an example by actions. Don't just laze around after coming home from work. Set an example in front of your kids to help cook set the table whatever, your kids will naturally want to join in. Raise. Your. Boys.
Have in mind that conversation before moving in is not enough ! They sometimes pretend and say what is socially ok and what you expect of them without having any intention to do anything. The maliciously plan not to do anything and will lie to you. Insead talking with him look at his house or how his life is organized NOW . Where does he live, who does the cooking and cleaning NOW in his life. His mother ? Or no one does it and everything is dirty. He has a maid ? There will be no maid when you move in together, who is going to do his part ? They will LIE about going 50/50 in house work and either expect you to do everything or he already maliciously plan to do it so bad that you will have no option but to do it yourself if you want a clean home. Conversation is NOT enough. Do not TALK, look at him and his life and actions instead.
My perception was that societal beauty norms for women trickle down into the household, as in if you're brought up in a society that says attractive women are/should practice the 'clean girl aesthetic' (a concept which I hate lol) then more than likely you're not gonna have smelly clothes and be gross and incompetent at household maintenance etc the way men are allowed to be
My girlfriend loves you and would only do a workout session if you would make a workout video. Would you consider making one? I think loads of people would love it :) greeting from austria
I have a twin brother and am always told to help my mum. My child’s first Christmas I was breastfeeding sitting on the couch and my da told me to go help my mum, there were several grown adults without a small baby on their tit in the room including my twin. My husband went to help her, his mum died when he was 21 so he has cooked many a Christmas dinner but it should not take your mother actually dying for you to have to learn to roast a few bits like. 😮
is it bad if i send this to my boyfriend? xd i've already had multiple "talks" with him but it seems like it just doesn't stick at all. i love him but this keeps being an issue and it infuriates me. I kept thinking i was paranoid or maybe a clean freak but i was being gaslit by him in a way. i actually started to think i was too clean lol. fuck that. i think it's ridiculous everytime i have to have a "talk" about this shit, i feel stupid but i don't want it to develop into this big grudge but he just does not change, he does for maybe a week and then it's back to normal. I tell him it's important to me but nothing. Also if he says he's making dinner, it's always with a "but don't blame me if it sucks" and i always have to go in to help him with some stupid small thing. And i cannot rest because there are always questions about how to do things, which takes up mental space too. And he never does it correctly so I end up doing it all by myself and he does not care. I don't know what to do. We're not even living together. I love him but I cannot live with this issue, I really don't know how to solve this, I think it's ridiculous to break up over such a thing idk. I'm so conflicted I want to live with him. thank u for making this
I’ve tried a hundred ways of addressing household chores etc with my partner, I think my level of cleanliness is actually very average, but his must be so low as he always pulls the ‘I’ll do it later’ ‘why didn’t you ask?’ ‘Does it really need to be done, right now?’ I’ve just accepted that this is apparently my life
Keelan is so smart and competent. She needs someone on her level lol i can see how she can take the lead in a relationship. requires a strong masculine
30 seconds in and you’re already referring to ‘men’ in a generalised way. There are plenty of men out there that are leaps and bounds above women in terms of cleanliness and domestic house chores, pick up after themselves and don’t have weaponised incompetence. Im shocked you’re not at least using the term ‘some men’ - imagine if a guy made a video about women and used the sweeping language you’re using…
@@KeelinMoncrieff thats the point - your claim is only based off of your experience - that’s the entire basis of prejudice? Lol. The point is that you have zero empirical evidence to support your claim about ‘all men’, so most people caveat by saying ‘most’ rather than ‘all’ out of respect to not generalise an entire population of people. I’m just shocked you don’t see the issue with what you’re doing when you have a significant platform. It’s a harmful rhetoric to group all men into one category. From a fellow woman…
@@cw8682 I’m not discounting others experiences? I’m pointing out the inaccuracy and harmfulness of using the term ‘all men’ when describing ones personal opinion and experience. Bro 😎
@@geebee8313 the video is using other people’s experiences, I’m not sure how you missed that? The study from the start can be found here: www.fastcompany.com/90372399/why-men-do-less-housework-than-women The book written about the unequal division of domestic labour is here: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Second_Shift I genuinely don’t understand why you’re so offended, I did not pull this out of my arse, otherwise there wouldn’t be countless studies, articles and books written about it
