How many times I've heard "you need to learn to receive", while cracking down with a ton of conflicting emotions because of a stupid gift (that often doesn't even take into account who I am as a person - the details we expect them to cherish)... And how can that be Love - pushing someone into that kind of state and still telling them "you need to learn"? .... I didn't know about autism and I didn't know how to explain and defend what I feel....
@sararodrigues1226 This isn't "love." The reaction isn't even autism, per se. It's the result of bad parenting at best, and I suspect, in some cases, might be narcacistic abuse.
@@ManicMercurianAstrology. I have a lot in common with my cats. Some people are jealous of cats because they can just walk out of a social situation they’re not feeling, but people misunderstand cats, too. I’ve had enough stray cats and foster cats over to know they are also bound by human social expectations!
Parallel play reminds me of old couples in movies who sit in silence together, one reading, one knitting, or similar, and exchange an occasional smile or pat on the hand.
This is the best thing to me. Even if we started doing something together and you move on to something else as long as you're chilling with me still I couldn't give a heck. Like watching a movie together but if ya get bored pls don't hesitate to whip out your phone to stay entertained
Me and my husband do parallel play and it's so nice to just look up and smile and go back to what you are doing. Love is giving each space and freedom to do your own thing
Yes. In the past, autistic traits were considered more desirable and appropriate for polite society. Now it’s all flesh and all stimulation all the time YOLO!!!
FUCK hearing “Infodumping is a love language” actually broke me because everyone around me treats it like it’s a character flaw that needs to be fixed or regulated. I’m told it’s exhausting and I feel like I’m being treated like a burden but realising it’s actually my way of showing love and it’s being dismissed and actively forced out of me is just… I think I’m gonna cry.
The whole point of love language is to learn the other person's love language and give them what they need. It is not a one way street. You might love info dumping but for them it might be stressful. Find out what their love language is and show respect
Yeah, info-dumping is a sure sign that I like someone. If I don't like you, I will not even acknowledge your existence, but if I like you I will always be looking for you and will always talk to you and share all the things you never wanted to know. Needless to say, it doesn't always end well... The parallel play is another big one. If I get comfortable enough around you to just quietly do my thing, I definitely like you.
This irritates me 'you talk too much' bruh you was talking too I wasn't talking to myself.....and I only talk to you because I don't think you're a total idiot if I didnt like you I'd straight deadpan you. Besides who wants to spend 8-12hr in AKWARD silence.....I mean we can but it's going to be a miserably drawn out shift but ok
My partner is autistic and it took a long time for me to realize that they were happy sitting in silence for hours every day. I thiught they didn't want to talk to me, or weren't interested in me, or were just silently resentful of our relationship. It felt really lonely to me because I didn't know why they never wanted to talk to me. Anyway, it got easier when I learned that this was comfortable for many autistic folks, and it wasn't personal.
Ask about what they're thinking about. Dont push, though, you want to be led through the door, not barging in. Speaking slow and calmly can also help them be sure you are asking in a "hey buddy whatcha thinkin about" kind of way versus a "TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL IN WORDS" Sometimes tho all we want is just to be quiet and to ourselves.... just around someone trusted.
That parallel play bit _really_ resonates with me. Girlfriends invariably think I lose interest after a while, but I'm really just relaxing my guard out of trust. That's _every_ relationship I've ever had.
@@lisaphares2286 I didn't have the words for it at the time, and I still don't know for sure that I'm autistic. I know from my experience having narcolepsy and ADD that a diagnosis doesn't always help normies understand.
@@indrahx5905 I've thought about that, but I'm not certain if I should on an ethical level. I may or may not be autistic, though I'm definitely somewhere on the spectrum. I've met autistic people who had very different levels of functioning, and I don't trust myself to judge where someone is on that spectrum in order to determine whether dating her would be exploitative. I'm higher functioning than any of the autistics I have met in person (that I know of), though not perfectly functioning myself anyway. I would just feel very guilty to find myself dating someone at a real disadvantage to me.
I share/do a lot of these. My major one though is Penguin Pebbling. I share links, articles, videos, memes, pictures, etc with all of my friends over chats, and over time as I get to know a person the stuff I share becomes a lot more personalised toward the stuff I know they like. I have a friend I share all the dinosaur news I can find with, I have others that I share certain film news, etc, etc. When I have the money/time, I also like to give gifts to my friends. Little things that say "I'm thinking of you" I just made a whole bunch of bracelets for all of my friends and have been sending them out in the mail ^_^ Each bracelet is themed around their interests (dinosaur girl got 2 about dinos, etc)
I have to admit, sometimes I send my friends to your videos just so they can understand me more. You always put the exact words Im always trying to express and I thank you for that.
I agree. Morgan clearly scripts these videos so well. She is so clear in what she says. It also is very informative and real. I feel seen by her videos and I hope it easy for the neurotypical to understand.
I'm not diagnosed but these resonate with me. One thing I'd add is "speaking the truth, however brutal". Or maybe "being as straight forward as possible". It saves time and I don't have to try to interpret anything.
It's amazing how most people don't want to hear the truth, they want to hear what they want to hear. As an INTP, I am typically BRUTALLY honest. If my wife comes up with an idea, that I think is stupid, I will exactly say that! That's FREAKING STUPID!! WHY would you want to do that???!!!
@@davefengler4266 INTP would only use ad-hominem against people they have zero intellectual respect for, after many failed attempts at trying to use logic with them. Lame. Tell her why her idea won't work, or is not good, instead of insulting her, or leave her, and let her find someone that doesn't abuse her.
@@truedepth3he‘s not abusing her by finding an idea of hers stupid are you serious? You can express that you‘re not a fan of someone‘s idea it‘d only become abuse if he‘d start calling her names or put his hands on her.
Wow. You are God's gift. An angel. My 9 yrs old son is also autistic. I can relate all of these points signs you mentioned. I ve learnt so much through this video. Surely will help me become a better understanding father. God bless you always dear ❤
Parallel play and respecting my routines are two big ones. I have had a lot of issues in the past with partners wanting to do crazy spontaneous things that I had no plan or frame of reference for and it would always cause immense stress and anxiety and usually lead to a blow up or melt down. My current partner is very routine oriented along with me, and most of what we do is Parallel play watching RU-vid in the same room on different devices while I engage in my special interest in crafting and it's wonderfully relaxing. Many neurotypical people may see this as boring or sad that we aren't interacting constantly, but it is the best place in the world to be in our opinions. Just chilling and doing our favorite stuff and occasionally infodumping at each other and showing each other things that make us laugh. ❤ thanks for talking about this, hope you have a great trip!
This made me laugh, you're just like me and my daughter 😂 Some might think we're so addicted to our advices and maybe we are, but it's something we both have special interest. I make music and designs with my phone, watch videos, make sudokus and send insta reels to my daughter and some friends. My daughter does the same. We don't need to talk a lot but we are present and comfortable and I know that it's also her way to relax from all the social burdens of that day in school etc. We just totally need that kind of rest to be able to function, to do our house chores and stuff like that. Without any pressure of needing to react to anything, please 😂
I'd like a spontaneous thing but only if I have absolutely nothing to do for a while, otherwise it's too much and might take away from my relaxation time.
I've learned with my autistic partner that Parallel Play is essentially Quality Time. While the definition in the book is centered more around undivided attention and mutual activity + conversation, I've definitely resonated with your experience. In the beginning it made me anxious with us sitting in silence, and it made her anxious feeling that she needed to mask and fill the silence with constant stimulus for me, but once I learned and fully understood how much peace and affection she feels and conveys just being able to fully relax and coexist with me, my heart instantly warmed. I adore just being with her and enjoying each others passive presence as we go about our tasks and hobbies. Neither of us feel pressure anymore, and the silence no longer fills me with dread or worry, it fills me with love just as it does for her.
1. Quality Time is "parallel play." 2. Respect. No surprises. 3. Info dumping* 4. Memorize likes and dislikes. @6:33 * "Sometimes I stop listening to myself." Much success in your life and career. Be well.
Every time I doubt my having autism, you post a friggin video and I’m like, “Yep. That’s me.” I’m also learning to understand fellow autistics in a different way even though we might not share similar issues/hyperfixations/etc. One of my love languages is gift giving tbh, but I try to pick something I KNOW they can’t dislike. I always feel like it’s not appreciated though so I stopped doing it which is a bummer. But also listening and words of affirmation while allowing them to vent and get angry bc it’s not directed towards me and I know that’s something I need sometimes. Back in 2013, I desperately needed to vent when I came home from work but my mom thought I was somehow mad at her. I wasn’t and I’d tell her I wasn’t. I’m just venting, (probably a meltdown tbh) and panicking. 🤷♀️ We love you, Morgan! Hope you’re enjoying your trip!!! Stay safe! Praying only good things for you!
I'm neurotypical, and I had a neurotypical FWB who loved what you described as parallel play. She was heavily introverted, but she felt lonely when actually alone, so she really liked to do things at the same time but not actually doing something together or talking. For her, actually actively engaging would drain her social battery, so it was a way to be able to recharge without feeling alone.
I so feel the parallel play vibe. Like how cool would it be to just perpetually be on a call with a bestie while doing normal errands and chores! Just existing together would make some parts of life way cooler
I did this a lot with a close friend after her and I graduated high school! we talked on the phone about our special interests/hobbies repeatedly and gave each other advice on setting boundaries and pet peeves with our bfs while I was doing my daily house chores in a spasific way for example I get up at 7:30 a.m. doing laundry, 8:00 shower, 10:30 put laundry in dryer, 12:15 make myself lunch, then the rest of my day involved diving deep into my hyperfixation on how constantly getting a dopamine fix often leaning towards overconsumption of that said thing. For examples sugar, drugs, alchol, video games, etc… constant prsuit of pleasure could lead down a path of pain.
My bestie and I do this!! Alot! 6-7 hours or until someone's phone dies. Doing our own things, 2 hours apart. Sometimes talking. Sometimes silent. It works!
Helping your partner make decisions through research. E.g. my girlfriend couldn't decide what university course to pick so I researched all the ones she was interested in, researched all the subjects each has, even researched how would transferring work if she changed her mind later.
Remember, though, if we feel like they don’t understand our particular love languages, and they don’t express their love for us using our love languages, it does go both ways. So even though surprises make me anxious, or someone dropping by my house unexpectedly completely tripped me out,it’s the exact same thing for them. They believe that they are showing love in that way.
Love your content! My Autistic love languages include infodumping and parallel play as well, but also include penguin-pebbling where I share info nuggets and small gifts with my loved ones about things that I know they enjoy/remind me of them; including pictures, videos, memes, and just random info I researched.
The info dumping is really relatable. I occasionally just hijack a conversation and make it into a lecture/monologue. And then I’m gently being told they’d like a chance to speak themselves. The few really close people I have, I don’t tell them everything. But when something in me loosens I can reveal a lot about my inner world in rapid succession… and whoever is listening probably cannot keep up. In a way, it’s kind of a balance for being really introverted and not speaking up most of the time. I simply don’t add anything to conversations where there’s nothing for me to add. It’s unfulfilling. It’s draining. Why would I? But when some kind of special interest is touched upon, I can talk and talk and talk and talk… Basically into infinity. Lucid dreaming? Let me tell you about all the techniques. Writing? Let me tell you the intricacies of this character I haven’t written down yet, but is ingrained into my very being. Or even showing my parents a tribute to Chadwick Boseman in the Spider-Man 2 game, because we recently watched Black Panther, then proceeding to tell them a lot about the game.
I love how you're talking about this while packing for a trip, going to the bank, and checking in for your flight. I NEVER, like, NEVER just sit down and watch a video. I do the dishes, clean, or aimlessly walk around while listening to a video and sometimes I feel bad about it because I'm like,"We'll, this YT person made this video for me, so I shoukd do them the justice of sitting down and watching it instead of cleaning." But I don't have time for that. So that you were doing your own thing and talking about this made me feel better because I was doing the dishes, and I was like,"Wow, this is great! We're both learning stuff and being so productive! Yay!!!"
@@simonedutch558 I am thank you, just over a year since my AuDHD diagnoses & I'm happier, less stressed & more in touch with who I am than ever before. I hope something similar can happen for your daughter :)
I just found your long videos from seeing your short ones. I love everything about all your videos because I have explanations for a whole lifetime of unexplained behaviors, not being diagnosed until now at age 70. Thank you!
Really cool title and concept! My mom has always tried to help me do things I want to do, or need to do. She doesn’t really do emotional support, but she will surprise me with a bag of snacks in my car, even now that I’m an adult, if I have a big day, ahead. Moms can express care by taking care of people.
Thank you for this. I've read the 5 love languages of Chapman and I was like "ah OK, now I understand". Then I saw your video, read about neurodivergent love locutions and be like "oh, this is what I feel, this is what I do, this is how I love". Thank you for this, it may change my life
I genuinely get so beyond ecstatic when people I care about take an interest in my hobbies! I absolutely adore music and I have a very particular musical taste, and I was soooo happy to find out my friend has the exact same taste in music😆😊
Thank you so much Morgan! This is EXACTLY what I have been looking for!! I am not officially autistic but I relate so much to these languages!! I am trying to find some kind of life-partner right now and this not only helps me personally but also in my own quest. Thank you!!
Your channel makes me so happy. I haven't been diagnosed with autism, but your videos just make me feel so heard and understood. So many of the things you talk about just resonate with me completely, and make me feel less alone in the world. Thank you so much!
This video was amazing! My son does the parallel play and info dumping all the time! Never knew that could ved love languages🥺 that is amazing! This has totally changed how I feel about the info dumping, thank you!
My besties and I are all AuDHD one of our main love languages is what we call “pebbling.” We will send videos, pictures, recipes, etc. to each other through out the day. Sometimes they are things that we think they would like, sometimes they are things that make us think of them, sometimes it’s just stuff we think is cool. We also parallel play.
In addition to some of the ones you listed I like to show my affection by trying to give advice in solving their problems, whether they ask for it or not. The effort is not always appreciated. I often don't realize that some people just want to vent and be heard and that's all. I love your vlogs!
Oh boy feeling unloved because my love language doesn't match other people's makes so much sense... as a teen i clashed with my mum a lot and I remember specifically asking for someone to put the kettle on so that I could have tea when I got home and no one ever did it...
I NEED you to know that you have changed my life for the better. I am 39 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD in 3rd grade and later with other mental health disorders but never autism and until recently I didn't think it was even a possibility. But then I found your channel and heard the words and thoughts from my head being explained out loud but I wasn't saying them and that was the first time I actually felt like I wasn't alone in this world.
Ah. Always with the info dumping...😊 And parallel play. I like remembering things about people and am pleasantly surprised when others remember things about me. Very relatable.
I've not been diagnosed with either (so disclaimer there) but I suspect I may be autistic with ADHD. Schedules for me are complicated. I like knowing what day and exact time others would like me to arrive places well ahead of time. I don't like do to things spontaneously - including going to the grocery store. Except once and awhile it's like I get SUPER spontaneous and just wanna go everywhere, anywhere all of a sudden, all day long. Otherwise, for me it's like I have an expectation for the day. And disruptions to that expectation, even scheduled ahead of time, are distressing. Edit: Thank you for your videos. I'm in my 30s, and relating to you so much and following some tips you (and other autistic creators) have given have helped me substantially in just a few short months.
My main love language things are definitely infodumping/listening to infodumping and penguin-pebbling/reciprocal-small-gifts. If I want to be around you, I will always infodump about random things that I find interesting and give small gifts like a snail shell and small crystal I found on the road and love when both are reciprocated like with their interests and a random ace pin. Also asking questions about someone's interest is rly cool imo, even if I know very little about it. Like, I know very little about Star Trek but my sibling loves it so much so he always shares things about it and that is the best way of socialising for me. It goes the other way too as he knows very little about the random historic sound/grammar/etc shifts in different languages but knows that I love talking about them.
Asking other people about their interests is definitely my favorite way of conversing. One time I went on a date with an NT and this clearly wasn’t her way of communicating. I asked her about her interests and she said “Oh I’ve been taking up running lately.” She talked about it a little bit. Then I asked her “So what else do you like to do?” and she said “I like running.” 😂 I realized then that this is sort of a necessary thing for me in relationships, I need someone else to also be interesting! For some friends it’s okay if it’s more one-sided but I feel like for a partner it’s strictly necessary they also have things they can lecture me about that they love.
Me and my closest friend are both autistic, and info-dumping is literally why our relationship works. Neither one of us have actual friends because we cannot keep them for the life of us. By info-dumping, we literally know more about each other than our own parents do. In reality, all of these love languages just keep our friendship alive. We both live off of the other because we both do all of these things.
1. 'Parallel play' : Quality Time, being present to the other as you spend time together. 2. 'Notice and respect routines & coping strategies (Including tems laid out/arranged) No surprises, get on the schedule' : I think this would be under 'Acts of Service' as you are giving time and space for the other to manuver though life. In the example of your loved one taking a shower at a certain time, your Act of Service is to leave the bathroom available for them. 3. 'Info dumping'; being open & sharing what interests you, being present as loved one shares verbally with you : Quality time. 4. 'Memorize likes and dislikes' : depending on what you do with that information it may be 'Gifts', 'Act of Service' or one of the others. In the example of feeling unloved by Mother not bringing home special grocery items, She was hoping Mother would show she was thinking of her, recall her specific grocery item likes, & bring those items home for her in particular, not just the household in general. I think that is 'Gifts'. However, "Picking up their favorite snack when shopping for groceries" is 'Act of Service', so not sure, maybe depends if the emphasis is on the gift-like presentation, or ...? Overall I think being open and at ease together, allowing yourself and your preferences to be known, and showing that you see and respect the other's way of being (likes & dislikes) in the world is the main love language discussed. I that that is 'Quality Time'.
Thank you Morgan! Love your videos! These examples make so much sense. Including the excitement when doing something you enjoy. Have a wonderful vacation.
Neuro divergent people have issues with sensitivity which can be texture, smells, even how food looks. Finding food that they enjoy is a must and they tend to stick to it. They are safe to eat because they don't have an adverse reaction to it. Routine is key for a stress-free living.
One of the things people appreciate about me is my ability to remember different notable facts and so the memorizing details about others is something I'm involved in. One uncommon love language I have is photo projects...I'll take photos at different notable events in the life of my church (or other events I wind up being part of) and then gather them with other notable memories for people...at Eastertime every year I'll take pics of different crosses many local churches decorate and sometimes if I know friends have different connections to that church (either they tell me they belong to that church or in some cases friends have a parent or sibling pass away that belong to that church) and I incorporate them into projects (mainly for birthdays)...the other thing I'll do is with graduations coming up I'll pull up different graduations that a friend of mine has a son, daughter, grandson, granddaughter, niece, nephew, etc. and screenshot them and share with different friends/relatives/colleagues as it seems suitable...
You know what bums me out about remembering such details? It creeps people out. "Ew, why do you even remember that about me, that's so weird" So I remember where my dance teacher spends her vacation, I remember her hometown, I remember some other friend's favourite clothes shop, etc, but I've stopped bringing it up like I used to. They made me feel like I was a stalker, and I'm not! I just remember stuff about them that they don't care enough to know about me.... Oh, yes, and photography is totally my love language too.
I love your fourth love language too! It's just so lovely to see how others care about the details about you, it says how much they care. Looking forward to your Puerto Rico vlog!
These videos keep on blowing mind! You have an incredible ability to share information, it seems that your just casually winging it, but the critical concepts are really well outlined and relevant amd come across as absolutely genuine.Also you do it with out being boring and it that sets you apart from the rest. Outstanding!
I love to travel too, to learn things about different places. Today, my husband decided to move my crap without telling me, that surprise led to me almost melting down. But you are right, the info dumping, the paying attention to what a person likes, or what makes them happy, is how I am thoughtful in giving them gifts, or even ordering fast food for them. I wonder though, I seem to get happy when I drive, but I think it is more of seeing things while I drive. Getting out of the house and just doing something different. Else, I just get agoraphobic and will not leave the house for a few weeks. Especially here in Scandinavia where I will just hide inside during the winter.
Hi Morgan! I discovered your channel a couple weeks ago, and I can't explain how amazing it has been for me. I'm not autistic (at least I'm not diagnosed), but I'm diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), and as a little girl I had extreme social anxiety. As an adult, I have suffered from terrible burn out and anxiety episodes, as well as weird social interactions and love communication. Even if we are not diagnosed with the same, I have identified with several things you have mentioned to us, and with these love languages as well.Thank you for sharing all of this, and putting a name or putting words to situations that I constantly feel but I have no idea how to call. Enjoy your trip and be happy!!
I am under assessment right now, and listening to you explain your love languages is just so awesome!!! I know my outcome, by listening to other autistics explain how it works for them, I never thought I had all of these subtle traits when I read about it, explained by neurotypicals. Knowing what I like is a great one! I remember when a guy wanted me to move in with him. He renovated a whole apartment, and didn’t want me to see it untill he was done, furnishing and all. He did all of that for me, he said. When I walked in, the walls and floors were nice, but the furnishing and decor actually made me cry! It wasn’t to my taste AT ALL, and I felt like he didn’t know me, and had lied about doing all that for me😭 I think it’s safe to say that he was disappointed with my reaction to all his hard work😅
That is such an awesome way for you guys to find middle ground and do what you both need as part of the relationship 💙💙💙. You have forewarning, he gets to surprise you 💙💙💙 love that Remembering details, it's a big thing for me too. It's really nice to hear someone else do this too!
I think it can all be clustered into the "original five", but it's completely fine and valid to redefine more. 😊 I, personally, love the interpretation that the five languages all have dialects - just because we have the same primary love language doesn't mean we understand each other right away. To me info dumping and remembering (key) details fall under words of affirmation, and parallel play can be quality time, but that might be because I've grown up with the five live languages and therefore just categorize everything that way. I may change my opinion as I think more on it... 😅😊
I’m not autistic but I love watching your videos so much. And this is actually very relatable - I don’t know, I think as humans we all have different ways of saying things, understanding things, like I’m always overthinking everything, all the time, and it’s exhausting, and I know sometimes I have needs that people around me just don’t get and I have to explain it, or they have needs that I don’t understand and that I have to accept anyways. I love memorizing little things about people and sometimes I’m like, look, I remembered this, and it means I care about you so please let me know you care about me too… and it makes me so happy when people I love remember those details, they know who I am and they care about me enough to remember it and let me know they remembered… I’m happy you put words on that because it’s something I didn’t really realize and I love learning new things about myself and about others
Are you sure you’re not autistic? Have gone most my life not thinking I was neurodivergent, until I met my boyfriend and his autistic son. Started looking for info on autism, realized my bf was autistic. Did more search for channels on YT and started seeing myself described when people shared what their autistic experiences were.
@@lisaphares2286 not really sure actually I recently made an appointment with a psychologist to ask her if she thinks it could be possible. But I don’t look like someone that could be autistic at all, like the way I am able to act sometimes and how some of my autistic traits evolved to become a lot less problematic make me wonder if it’s really possible or not
I actually do parallel play a lot with people I love, and it includes family members and friends. I also find it funny cause I don't thrive on schedules even though I'm autistic. For me, schedules sound very restricting and I like to do my own thing. Such as times for school, or a set time to do my chores, I don't like it for some reason. I know I should probably start having a routine but it never sticks in my brain. And my mom also doesn't go with a complete schedule either since she's always busy. Most of the time it's whatever we can make do. I respect people who do schedules, but I might forget that they have a schedule. But however, I do respect boundaries and I will never touch your stuff unless if you really want me to and I expect that as well. Also about surprising things, I really love it when people I know are trying to get me something as a surprise but they "try" to lie on purpose. One thing my mom does sometimes when we are out shopping or something and it's close to a holiday if she sees something I like I already know what she's doing and she'll try to "lie" and say something like "Whatttt, nooo, you totally didn't see that" and it's the funniest thing ever. I like those kinds of "surprises". Also about just talking to someone for an hour I will do that to people Im comfortable around and sometimes its like Im not in control of my own voice, sometimes it always feels like my brain controls me more then I control it.
I am continuing my conversation here cause my phone is literally the worst when it comes to type 🙄 Anyway, about the talking thing. I also really enjoy listening to other people talk, my favorite quality time is just talking about anything. I don't even care if it's something we have talked about before already, it's something I really love to do with people I'm comfortable with. And I enjoy it when we are both listening to each other and giving each other time to speak. I do get pretty annoyed when I'm talking but then one of my family members talks over me, because then I abruptly will stop what I was saying. I also enjoy memorizing details about others, like I'll remember the food you like, type of clothes or animals you like. Sometimes it gets really confusing for me though since most people tend to change their responses a lot. Like this one time, I have a friend who was a little older than me and you know that whole "figuring yourself out" kind of thing that most teenagers do? Well she was starting to do that, which I understand is apparently normal. Do I remember once she told me she was Bi, I think and I was fine with it. But then a few days she started saying she was a lesbian and that kind of stuff. I always get nervous when talking about this kinds of stuff, but anyway, those kinds of things really really confuse me. I really like it when people only tell me about certain things they know they love or that they have interests in that they know they will have forever, it helps me to not be so confused. I definitely understand the feeling of others not really understanding you or loving you because of that. My preferred love language is usually with words or actions. Such as me remembering something that you like, or spoiling you with something that I know you would like. I also will always spend the holidays with you, and I never ignore you or anything like that. Holidays are also another big thing where I actually do more communicating and I do more for you than on any other day, cause for me Holidays are supposed to be fun. Those are my kinds of love language. I also love receiving gifts, or small things that I enjoy. It makes me feel special lol, but maybe that's because I am spoiled. I don't necessarily surprise people with gifts, but if I know you're, like, craving something that you've been wanting I'll probably get it for you if I can lol Or if I feel like giving you something I'll probably ask you "hey, do you want anything?" For me, gift giving makes me feel really special and I know when I'm older and I have friends of my own that's more then likely something I would do is gift giving even for no reason. But I would always let someone know, such as on text message. Also, what I consider a gift is just getting me something that I like or have been wanting such as a chocolate bar, or a specific makeup I've been wanting or slime. Some of my family members don't understand that though. I don't mind light hugs, but my memmaw always hugs me a bit too tight and always makes me feel like I have to hug her a certain way? I know she means well, and touching is her love language and I respect that. I don't mind the hugs nowadays, but the thing I dislike the most is when she does the kiss on the forehead. Idk, her touch is just weird to me. My mom's touch is comforting, and I don't mind my aunt's hugs either. My memmaw knows I'm autistic but she doesn't understand it. Whenever I try to tell her why I do these things it's like she doesn't take it into deep thought. I know my Papa does that too, but he's not that bad he just came from a generation of where you did these things and you had to. But this is my preferred love language. I know that one day when I am in a love relationship with someone I will do everything with them and I'll always be there for them and cherish them lol
I just stumbled across this video (am not autistic/on the spectrum) and you sound like such a considerate person. :) Also, I get very anxious when people just come into my place and start using things and doing things "wrong" and I would love someone to notice that and not do that, that would be amazing :) I feel like you're doing great.
I love the specificity you brought to discussing your love-languages. When I read Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages, I found his discussion on dialects of the love languages very insightful. I think that it's a really important point that autistic people like us hardly speak the same languages when it comes to love. I never really felt like dialect expressed how differently I experience and express love from other people until I heard Patrick Stewart recite a poem in his West Riding Dialect. Then I was like, "Wow, I barely understood a word of that! I'll bet my love languages are dialect, after all--I mean, they do still fit loosely into the categories Chapman discovered in his anthropological research." It strikes me that both parallel play and respecting schedules and routines are related to time. I'm guessing Chapman would classify them as dialectical variations on quality time. Info dumping and sharing your special interest could speak to words of affirmation, or maybe quality time (or a little of both). Finally, memorizing things about people strikes me as an act of service. Yet, I don't think that telling people which of the five love languages our dialects fit into is going to help by itself, because our dialects are so different from the usual ones. I do think telling them which of the love languages our dialects belong to may help them remember it and understand us better.
as an autistic person i can actually relate to neurotypical love languages but i do have a unique combo. mine include physical touch, quality time, deep conversations, connecting on a soul level. and respecting boundaries/how each other are along with sharing our interests and stories. and talking isn't mandatory we can just touch or even check our phones, listen to music, watch a movie
morgan, i just want to say thank you. i am about to get diagnosed with PANDAS, and if you dont know what that is, it's basically autism caused by strep throat. your videos have helped me express to my family and friends what's going on with me, and everything you say is just so relatable! thank you
I'm a self-diagnosed autistic, and some of the typical love languages apply to me: i love quality time and physical touch. It was really interesting tho to hear about what your love languages are, and I related specially to the info dumping (I feel so deeply loved when people show interest in my special interest and let me go on) and the memorizing details about someone (I get a huge dopamine boost whenever I see someone's face light up because I remembered or referenced somthing they said or they liked, and I get it when it happens to me). I felt so alligned to what you said, that your mother not considering buying things you like to eat felt like a sign that she doesn't love you. I think I have the exact same scenario, there's this food (churros, I'm Spanish) that everyone loves but it's too oily for me and I really have how it feels, and my mother always wants us to go to those places (churrerías) where there's usually only that to eat. Makes me feel betrayed and like I'm not important enough to her to have that in mind But I think I have a problem with parallel play. I tend to feel disconnected and like I don't matter to the other person, I start to feel as if I wasn't there. Something that really shaked my certainty that I was autistic was that I saw autistics struggling with eye contact and never really requiring it, whilst I most of the time get really bad social anxiety whenever someone doesn't look me in the eye (if I see that that person actually does look people in the eye but not me), even though I get anxiety if I look most people in the eye. I don't know if it's because I'm also ADHD, maybe ADHD also have their own variations in the way they understand love. I think that communication is key, because as long as I know that the other person feels comfortable that way and that doesn't mean that they don't love me, I'm perfectly fine. It just takes asking and answering honestly and directly for me to feel safe.
Apart from the usual love languages, I also apply most of the things you have explained, such as parallel play, info dumping or memorising things my love ones might like. It is true that these forms of love affection are usually left out. The others dont do the same for me, sometimes I feel sad about it, but I know they love me.
The memorising one hit hard, part of unmasking and skill regression has left me unable to do that any more, but I realised it was response to trauma for me, I had to do it to be liked and it caused burnout three times, the last one I’m still recovering from 10 years later 😵💫 it’s nice to see it can be a healthy way to show love for some people.
It's actually really nice to hear.Someone's passion come through when they're in.For dumb thing usually it's something they care about and I hear they're joy more than anything else
Ive found myself shifting into the love language opposite of infodumping lol i prefer to be talked at, my boyfriend loves to talk and goes on rants about things so i will just sit there and just listen to him ramble, i think my main love language is mothering like making sure they are ok and getting them things and helping with things.
Love your content! I am PDA and ADHD and relate to you so much! It's funny because it took years for myself and my husband to understand why I get so upset when someone doesn't remember something like getting my favourite snack if they stop at the store. I just couldn't fathom how they could love me and not think about that lol. Because I definitely would have thought about them. Memorizing things about others is definitely a massive love language for me as well. I will be showing him this video later to help him understand how I feel a bit better. Thank you for sharing!
1. The remembering details love language is one of my most important ones to me. It’s so fun being able to do things with that information but I don’t think a lot of neurotypical people realize that it’s a love language. I know that it doesn’t get reciprocated to me often which I find to be sad. 2. Travel is also one of my special interests and I too am a completely different person when I am traveling. I feel so energized, but it can be exhausting when I get home since I’ve spent so much extra energy during that time. I love hearing about your experiences and perspectives. It’s nice to know that there’s other people out there like me.
Oh my god thank you so much! I finally have a short and simple name for it! Parallel play. I remember having such a tough time explaining it to an ex of mine but when she finally got it, I was soooo comfortable when we we're hanging at her place. Not that I wasn't before but it was like a whole new level. Feels good to know a short and snappy name for it. Thanks!
I recently discovered that I'm autistic, and it happened around the same time I started watching your videos. I've noticed a lot of similarities. This has been incredibly helpful for me in understanding myself. Thank you!
I cannot express how exactly me this is! I just kinda went through life thinking they don't feel the same as me about relationships because they DIDN'T do these things! I never stopped to think that the things just never occured to them as things they should be doing. 😢
Hmm, a new lead, to figuring out my mind. Thanks for uploading this video it explains a few things about my mind, that so far was only theoretic. Huge like from here.
Thank you so much for this!. I'm not autistic at least not diagnosed, but I can relate to almost everything here! It makes me feel so understood especially about parallel play and info dump. Because if I don't like you, I don't even wanna be in the same room as you or even talk to you.
One love language that is common among autistic people is called pebbling. The term derives from penguins, wherein in some species of penguins, the male will find a pebble and present it to a female. If she accepts the pebble, the two go on to mate. The idea here is similar, in that a person on the spectrum might present someone else with an object at an opportune time to express they care about the other person.
I am a mother of an autistic teenager and I found very interesting what you share with us. It helps me understand him better Me and my son do parallel play just because I intuited this works for him We have routine and I try to announce him about the change in his programme at least 24 hs before These things were working well before I knew he is autistic (he was dx at 12 ys old, being high functional), and I am glad when you explaine again and confirm my intuition is correct
Thank you so much for making this video, I am autistic and I can really relate to everything you said. My numer one love language is definitely remembering/memorizing someone`s interest/hobby/likings. Mostly for gift giving💕 ps, the thing you said about you arguing with your mom about grocery shopping, that is so damn relateble. I argue with my mom about that allllot😅
Thank you for this video! I'm so glad I found your channel! I was just asking my autistic daughter (10yo) how she would feel loved. She said she didn't know. But she literally does all the things you said! She follows me around the house all day (parallel play), she info dumps all the time and she is always repeating details about others! And she loves gifts but hates attention, maybe I'll let her know ahead of time she'll get a gift then leave it in her room to discover and open in private? I really want to be a good mom to my autistic daughter, I love the way she is! ❤
My favorite way to show affection is to nom. Sometimes I'll just grab my fiance's hand while we're cuddling and start chewing on it or like the end of his shirt sleeve, it's always something he's wearing. I'm thankful he finds it cute. I have to be really close to someone to nom on them though. I only do it with my grandma who raised me and my fiance. That might be why he finds it sweet though, because he knows it means he's loved.
One of the ways I show love is identifying a need a person has and finding a method or item to accommodate that need. So if I buy a present, it's specific and serves a practical purpose. I will also clean a space and put all the piles and groups of items back exactly where those were so if they have a system, it's minimally disturbed (phone camera is great to make sure it's as close to the original look as possible, photos are deleted as soon as those aren't needed, and that's only if I need to clean under the pile). I also fix minor inconveniences around houses like if the sink isn't draining, toilet handle sticks in the wrong place when flushed so the water runs, etc. But seriously, info dumping is the best thing ever. I love doing that, and listening to it.
Parallel Play is the equivalent of Quality Time Deep Pressure is the equivalent of Physical Touch Infodumping is the equivalent of Words of Affection Penguin Pebbling is the equivalent of Gift Giving And Support Swapping is the equivalent of Acts of Service. This can be helpful to oversee in a neurodivergent relationship between a neurotypical and an autistic because if one person needs either one of these, the other partner knows how to translate their affection to fit the other person’s neurotype. This way, nobody feels misunderstood and instead feels comfortable and loved.❤
Laughing about your hatred of surprises. I’m autistic too and once I was driving to the grocery with my husband and he pulled into a parking lot along the way and was like “surprise! I scheduled you a manicure!” I don’t remember if I started crying, but needless to say I did not get a manicure. My brain was ready for the grocery, not a stranger poking my hands and I had never even had one or done research about it to know what to expect. Pretty sure most neurotypical girls would have been excited to do it but just the thought of it made me more stressed than if he hadn’t tried to give me anything special 😅.
as an autistic person, bear hugs are THE BEST! not only sensory seeking, but just the pressure is so comforting. i also relate to parallel play, and unusual gifts because i love to remember the little things. i also love expressing love out of acts rather than words:) and unmasking if front of you means i REALLY love you
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the things that make you feel loved❤️ its so important to love people the way they need to be loved and if their way is similar to our love language its amazing 🦋🐿️
If you told me a year ago that I might resonate with this as much as I do now I would have thought you were crazy! I had a meaningful friendship that ended badly, and couldn’t understand why I’ve been so affected. I never saw how similar we were or why I felt we shared some unspoken understanding that never surfaced so clearly in interactions with most other people. when I came across your videos, I noticed how strangely familiar your experiences of autism sounded to what I noticed unique about my friend and never could notice in myself. Thank you for speaking about your experiences openly, I might not have been able to make that connection otherwise!
not feeling loved, when someone does not remember small details about things you like is so true for me! i think thats why i like gift giving, because i put so much thought into it! and that attention is really, what i want to give to you and what i want to receive.
Thank you so much for sharing about your love languages. I'm still trying to figure myself out and hearing about how you express your love to others has helped me realize more about myself and how I express my own love.
PENGUIN PEBBLING!! I love to send people memes, videos, or find special things on a hike/shopping that remind me of something that someone mentioned once that they love. This happens especially I see a special rock/bone/flower/natural object on a walk I will gift it to a friend because it reminded me of them.
These love languages you mentioned here are incredibly informative. A long time ago, around 2005, my parents surprised me with a cruise trip. In the beginning, I couldn't explain why, but I felt so betrayed and was moody for about half an hour. Now I see that I don't like surprises however good they may be.
