I was diagnosed w bpd last year at 32yo. Before that I just thought life was too hard, painful and that I was just too weak for it. After diagnosis it opened a lot of doors w lots of room to change but it also made me realize how wrongly I've treated those around me. It's very painful to realize you're that person. I have to say I did not see it before at all, my life logic was just off and now all I can do is try to change those patterns. It's not easy, takes time and practice and one of the reason I've resulted to isolation. Not contact family and friends as much until I figure this out but don't know how to protect my partner from me. Counselling has not been accessible so I've just been learning as much as I can through your videos (and others) and teach him too how to protect himself and set boundaries from me.
Best bit of advice you can get: an intellectual understanding of BPD and psychology may help you devise rational coping strategies, but it will NOT deal with the unconscious wounds/emotional dysfunction that produced the disorder. It's nearly impossible to move past it by yourself. You need an experienced, clinically informed therapist who will adopt the best relational strategies to bring the wounds into conscious awareness and help you to work through them. This is likely to elicit short-term distress which is another reason that it would be difficult to manage on your own. BPD and other PDs are disorders of interpersonal relations and self-image, resulting in unhealthy coping strategies and self-sabotage. The healing process has to be interpersonal, i.e. with an other who can correctly respond to you and interpret your relational style. Hence the importance of a therapist.
@@DC-bp8sx That's not necessarily a helpful response to somebody who has revealed a lifetime of pain and suffering motivating their behaviour, and demonstrated empathy for the impact of their behaviour on others. A little encouragement and acknowledgement would perhaps be more helpful.
If you’re a woman with a lot of trauma you may have been misdiagnosed with BPD. Complex PTSD is the same but not recognized in the DSM yet. A lot of women who are diagnosed with BPD add further shame and blame once they receive the diagnoses. BPD comes with a lot of stigma and shouldn’t even be grouped with other personality disorders. Unless co-morbid with NPD, it’s not comparable. I work with victims of domestic violence who are misdiagnosed. I hope you find some healing.
@@saraH-yu1mx BPD comes with displays of inappropriate anger and dysregulated behaviour, caused by trauma or not. Complex trauma also underpins most cases of NPD and ASPD. When BPD and NPD are comorbid, NPD emerges as a defence against the self-destructive and suicidal impulses of BPD. A narcissistic defence is actually a higher level of adaption than borderline--ir's a survival, not a moral, adaptation.
Exactly. I am aware of my disorder now and the guilt and shame is enormous. I am aware. I have fooled myself into thinking that I am a good person but the evidence proves otherwise. This is too hard.
Bad reactions or things you've said or done do not mean you are not a good person. No one is fully good or bad and I promise that being aware of your flaws and feeling guilt and shame put you more to the good side. Being aware of my disorder helped in some ways but it also has made me hate myself much more so I get it...... I'm sorry for everything you've gone through and I have faith that you will get through this. It isn't your fault that you have a disorder, just take responsibility and do the best that you can.
You're doing the best you can and you can let that shame transform you. The world is not black and white either. Everyone does bad things sometimes, there are no inherently bad people. Also, hurt people hurt others.
Being aware of how your behavior affects others is the first step. The fact that you feel shame and guilt about harming others shows that you have a desire to change. That’s the second step. You have hope! You are already at least two steps down a better path.
Very useful video, as someone with a cluster b PD, I've found researching the subject has also helped me see how my behaviour effects others. Although I'm aware I'm overly clinical and cold emotionally, I used to assume others behaviour was just different to mine because they were either weak or incorrect. It's taken 15yrs of research to understand my behaviour is not always correct. Fortunetly I did find a psychologist who understood approaching my behaviour from an objective standpoint and analysing it without using too much emotion helped me understand it from a clinical perspective. Obviously I won't go into detail but the most beneficial change in me has been due to controlling my impulsivity, I still have issues with the other 3 you mentioned although iam better at understanding others due to cognitive empathy, my ability to use affective empathy is still hard . Thank you for your insight into this subject and your unusual ability to not approach the subject from a "damning" perspective.
becky cadman love your perspective here.. thanks for sharing it and well done for your efforts in finding yourself and working at being the best version of yourself. Xx
Social distancing may be helping some gain perspective dealing with these issues. That is, when they are aware they have some of these issues, and are willing to work on them. That, or these times are driving them to obsession. A person who's a movie star in their mind can't thrive on a closed stage setting for long. Thanks!
I agree with this. Honesty, especially with myself, has helped me make tremendous steps in recovery from bpd. Once I started observing and questioning my own illogical thinking, I was able to be more honest with myself. It was incredibly painful to force myself out of the pattern, but definitely worth it. Thanks for the information.
Thanks for the interesting video! I have one practical tip for people who want to stop acting out revenge or lashing out at someone in anger. Build in a delay. If you feel compelled to take revenge but you know you dont want to, delay your fantasy by a week. Tell yourself if you still feel that way 1 week from now you will act out the fantasy. If one week later you still feel the same, repeat the process until you don't want revenge at all anymore.
I would be very interested in seeing a similarly themed discussion for Cluster C personality disorders, particularly Avoidant. Thank you for all the content you produce, we all appreciate the time you invest into these very much!
Very helpful. As someone with bpd symptoms I am going to listen to this over again to try and soak it all in. It's great information I can relate to and see the need to utilize in my life. Thank you!
Accepting my responsibility for myself was the best thing I’ve done. Opened the door to a better existence. My mind is scrambled, but I mostly know how to protect myself and the results of that is going to protect others. The trauma team who’ve been helping me, has had it’s funding cut. I am worried, it’s taken years to get this help, in two weeks it’ll be gone. Distressing.
During the 2 weeks of services, maybe they can come up some other local services for you, even if it is a patchwork? Generally practitioners have a treatment plan in place for when clients are ready to move to the next level of treatment, they don't just cut people loose with no follow up.
I have been a victim of someone with Bi-Polar disorder. I had to leave, they refused to find help and blamed me for everything. The lack of self- awareness was/is astounding. “These beliefs are held with a high degree of conviction”. The real truth bomb is that the reason they run from taking responsibility is the pain of realizing just what they have done. Wow. Just wow. Thank you Dr. Grande, it makes it so much clearer to me now.
These videos are so helpful. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything but I am constantly worried about hurting other people with my actions/words. You’re doing good work here ❤️
Very informative, as always, Dr. Grande. I myself have borderline personality disorder and this is true. I was one of the ones lucky enough to be capable of easily gaining insight. Only took me to age 24 to get started( I'm almost 26 now), but hey, here I am and I'm doing much better!! I've tapped deeply into my empathy, and I've gotten better control on my mood swings.. Still got some work to do, though! I slip up sometimes.. I tend to blame my mom for a lot and even though what I say is true, I'm just now learning to accept that I am my own person and I am the one in control of my own life. It's my job to forgive and accept thing I can not change, accept that I have my own flaws that need work.. so that I can move forward and become who I'm truly meant to be. Thanks for another great video!
A person who harms others emotionally could decide to listen carefully to their internal thoughts which precede the hurting activity and attempt to understand their motivation.
My fiance tried counseling with his ex early in marriage & before divorce. The ex said she saw no need for it.. lol she got her way all the time & was highly disagreeable. There's no fixing such a personality. It's a constant from birth since personality is inherited. Maybe other PD's can be helped ...if they want to change..Big 'IF'.
I agree. Everyone has feeling and thought patterns, even if they have a hard time with empathy, so they can observe their behavior, then eventually change it. The good part of therapy is that it is successful when people want to change for themselves, which is where someone with cluster B disorder(s) can also begin.
@@Nina-hk7ub That's not necessarily true. There are lots of people with narcissistic wounds that realise something is up or question their own behaviour, and once aware of what is going on, work towards change and healthier relationships. It takes a long time for an analyst or therapist to dismantle narcissistic defenses and often requires the treatment of underlying trauma and / or borderline personality organisation as well, before the individual can function better.
I have BPD, and I both have counseling, and I study the human psyche and myself so much every day. I Really want to change, and my partner helps me so much. :)
Thankyou for making this. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I don't want to hurt anybody. I feel I have been judged in the past by some DBT therapists just because I have a diagnosis of BPD. This is mostly because I have severe mood swings and a fear of abandonment which was diagnosed by my psychiatrist who has been seeing me for over 20 years. Sometimes I even avoid relationships because this fear. If I have a relationship with another person and I feel they may leave sometimes I will actually back away. I deeply respect the rights of others and wouldn't want to hurt others. I am so embarrassed of my diagnosis that sometimes when I meet a therapist for the first time I don't disclose this info until I get to know them.
Please do not feel embarrassed by your diagnosis of BPD. That you have BPD is not, and never was, your fault, it is the result of a combination of genetics and your childhood experiences and traumas, neither of which were you responsible for or in control of. Your only responsibility lies in seeking treatment to better yourself and overcome the diagnosis as best you can - being the healthiest and best version of you that you can be is ALL that you are responsible for and you are clearly working on that already, which places you well ahead of a great many who never bother to seek therapy to better themselves. I wish you all the best on your journey!
Although I've never been professionally diagnosed, I'm pretty sure I'm antisocial. I don't "care" if I harm people. I don't "care" if I hurt anyone's feelings. However I do care about having to deal with hassles and headaches from cops and lawyers. I find what helps keep me out of trouble is thinking about what I want... "what I really really want" as the song goes, which is: - solitude - the ability to trade goods and services when necessary If I harm someone, I jeopardize both of those things for myself.
Thank you so much for this video!! It couldn’t have had better timing for my life! I felt this overwhelming shame intensely last night and really struggled with it about a week ago! It feels reassuring to have some insight in why it was so painful. I’ve been wanting to know how to do what’s right by the people around so that I can stop causing problems for them.
Hi Doc, I just wanted to thank you for making all these videos. Even when they don't specifically apply to something I've dealt with, having more knowledge of psychology can illuminate things in everyday life in interesting ways. For example, for some reason while I was watching this video some things clicked in my mind and I realized that my dad's mother was an obvious case of Narcissistic PD. She passed away years ago so I don't think about her that much, but it's shockingly clear when I think about it that way. Everybody described her as a nightmare to interact with, and I'd say emotional manipulation was her calling card. When she wasn't around people would either express very deep and intense anger at how she acted, or (usually from people who were less emotionally connected to her) shock and bewilderment that a person would actually say and do such things, all to get her own way and build up her own ego. The cherry on this narcissistic sundae is that, living as a retired person in a small town, she hired a portrait painter to paint a big portrait of her, that was so "complimentary" as to barely look like her, which was the biggest painting in the house and hung in her living room where she could always boast to others about it. My dad's a difficult person to be around sometimes, but then I think about how he was treated by both his parents and I can understand him a little better, and admire that he does genuinely try to be a good person a lot of the time, even though that doesn't stop him from sometimes being a jerk that I just need to get some distance from.
Q: I often feel like I'm trapped on a planet with people who don't understand I'm the greatest person who ever lived. How is it that they do not feel honored to be with me? A: Because they're too stupid. Thanx Dr. G. That one just seems way out there...
Dr. Grande I never thought a full recovery from any cluster B Personality Disorder possible however after following your channel over time I am starting to change my mind about that.
another problem i've run into when trying to better myself is wondering if my thoughts or behaviors are truly justified, or if i merely believe they're justified because of disordered thinking -- i agreed with both of the examples Dr. Grande gave for the ASPD person's disordered thinking. a psychopath i was friends with once called me out for expressing views similar to this in regards to an actual event. so, like, i know my thinking is kinda messed up. but in trying to change, i'll often swing to the extreme opposite direction, and i end up being kind of a pushover at times, because i don't know how to create balanced or healthy boundaries, even with people who are actively trying to harm me it seems like i'm flying blind when it comes to feelings, so i err too much on the side of caution in an effort not to hurt other people and damage relationships
There's something missing from this discussion. In many cases, someone with a PD will have been a victim of terrible treatment and events that led them to develop their unhealthy, defensive and potentially aggressive strategies. When the individual is surrounded by, say, a family system of people who have also acted very badly and produced the dysfunction in the individual, there is no clear dichotomy between victim and perpetrator. It's quite possible that people who see themselves as victimised by an individual with PD traits have also acted inappropriately and victimised, but themselves may not accept responsibility or see themselves as anything but a victim. For example, you might see this dynamic in a narcissistic family system, where the child or grandchild is both a survivor of narcissistic abuse and has acquired narcissistic defenses him/herself as a consequence. This will obviously complicate the narrative and the individual's capacity to recover.
As someone with multiple mental health DX's, including BPD, I can't put into words how valuable these types of videos are for me. I've completed DBT, and staying well is an everyday effort in maintenance and just DOING BETTER. Thank you again Dr.Grande, your channel truly helps people. Whether they are like me, dealing with a loved one and beyond. P.S. how are you keeping your hair cut so nicely during all this? Hahaha, I've been the at home barber for my son for quite some time.
Mixed in with his other video’s he address’s it. I am plagued by people causing it’s appearance. They love bomb then change immediately as soon as you speak to them. It must be a tenacious Behavior to change. They can’t imagine why anyone would stay suspicious and not speak to them. They will say, « well, I said I am sorry » then do another form of manipulation again using different people as a support. They just reorganize their possè because their goal is still to use something of yours or steal from you. Etc...
How you continuously come up with meaningful and useful content keeps me coming back for more. I’ve grown and learned so much through watching your videos. Thank you!
i really appreciate this. i tend to stay away from most close interpersonal relationships due to having + exhibiting many borderline traits in the past. this has been helpful with learning how to move some of those behaviors to make way for better ones to peek through. the emphasis on ACCURATE empathy is so necessary... its something i've recently had to begin coming to terms with, and your analysis of it is a bit cathartic thanks! + i hope you are doing well
I have come to appreciate videos like these since I spoke to someone at the grocery store and he mentioned that this is what I may likely be going through with my wife . I love her and now I know I need to find her some help for this.
My brother has a cluster B personality disorder (borderline personality disorder), hes had severe issues with this since he was a child . Growing up with him was extremely hard on my family , and even to this day he’s 30 and is still causing an immense strain on our family and everyone around him . He always says he’s the way he is because he had a horrible childhood , even though it was probably the best childhood someone can be given . He sometimes says he recognizes he has a problem, but most of the time he doesn’t actually think anything is wrong with him and that something is wrong with literally everyone else who’s come in contact with him . His personality disorder is so severe to the point that it makes it hard for him to have a functioning life . He can’t keep a job , can’t handle money , cant maintain a healthy relationship with anyone , can’t own up to his own mistakes , never wants to put in any effort to make his life better , and blames all of the problems he causes on everyone else . On top of this , he shows signs of bipolar and narcissism. He’s also an alcoholic. We have done everything we can to help him but literally have no idea how to help him anymore since he doesn’t think anything is wrong with himself , yet thinks everyone should just take care of him even if it meant that everyone else’s life goes to shambles just trying to care for him and somehow “manage” him. The fact he’s an alcoholic just makes everything even more difficult and troublesome. What also makes this confusing to some people is the fact that he’s actually really smart , book and street wise , so they can’t comprehend how he’d have so many issues associated with borderline personality disorder . He also knows how to put on a temporary “front” if he has to in certain situations, to have the appearance of being “normal”
Comment 44: 1089 views *zero* dislikes. I like 3:27 “*These beliefs are held with a great deal of conviction.*. Similar to this quote: ‘One man’s experience is as valuable as another’s, but experience has nothing to do with facts. Facts pay no attention to us, facts have to be accepted, they are the real autocrats in life.’ I see Dr. Grande is willing to move on from the Cluster *B*- rown shirt to a more attrattive Yellow, to reinforce the idea change can occur. 😃😄. Thankyou Dr.Grande. 😠😂😠
Yes! Me too! I was like: “Humm what a nice color!” Actually, it was a bit of a distraction, and I had to ‘rewind’ about 2 minutes of the video!😄 Like the cool: ‘Cluster B-rown’!😁
Excellent as always, Dr. G., thank you! The problems associated with PDs can be lessened by learning the "PD language." I'm not familiar with the resources available for all PDs, but for partners/friends/family of people with narcissism (using the term loosely here), Wendy Behary's book "Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving With the Self-Absorbed" is really helpful.
@@justmadeit2 Absolutely. The difference is remarkable. I wonder why this factor is rarely looked at in psychology - maybe because the weather isn't changeable by anyone.
Wow 😳 10 minutes of video = tons of insight. I struggle with finding the best way to deal with a son that has some personality disorder traits. This was very helpful. I offer a sincere and heartfelt Thank You. 💖
I find that it’s so common that people with personality disorders are often described as abusers, but rarely is the focus on helping those people who often are victims rather than perpetrators. It is disappointing. No wonder the stigma-even in the medical community-is so huge.
Accurate empathy is extremely difficult to find if you are recovery from grief over a death. My counselors have said, « you shouldn’t be as sensitive about it after decades. » but I am
Thank you, Dr. Grande. I am fairly certain I have BPD and it is destroying my 11-year marriage. This video seems to have helped end my obsession with wanting to understand "why" I do certain things and is hopefully the beginning of me actually changing. I also hope you will post about changing (for the cluster B sufferer) again soon!
Have you talked to your spouse about your concerns? I have BPD but was misdiagnosed until almost 3 years ago when my fiance died suddenly and I've found as much as being aware helps, it also creates new struggles.... if you have snapchat or something I'd be willing to chat and help
This has come right on time as I am becoming more and more aware of how my triggers set off such a rage inside me that I really have no control over, and hurts the people I love. I want to do better for them and my relationships.
What you're saying about looking at other people's perceptions and seeing characteristics in you that you didn't want to see is really dangerous for those whose sense of self is really low and that in doing so may trigger a spiral of depressive states and feelings of worthlessness. I think this really emphasizes the need of really good therapist who can guide their client through these really difficult feelings. Perhaps some good emotional regulation skills are a good start?
@@archetypalmuse DBT and CBT are very amenable to being learned on one's own, and would be a good skill set for anyone, and would enhance therapy if you forsee that as a goal.
@@evelynwaugh4053 yes I am in therapy and learning some of those skills, but my therapist and I are still at a phase of identifying triggers and getting to the bottom of things before I can apply those skills in a practical way with others. It's a process!
@@archetypalmuse Kudos! The more you identify triggers, come up with alternate ways of handling difficult feelings like rage, the less rage you will have, because when rage meets the outer world it has consequences, so there is a chain reaction, producing more rage, etc. When you have a game plan for triggers and alternate responses to that emotion, your life will work better and better. Most definitely a process!
So comforted I found you recently! I'm at that point you mentioned in this discussion, of being super aware of all the harm I've caused others and am struggling with the shock and awe of the awareness. However, it truly feels positive and gives me hope for the future at the same time. You're really helping me, can I make an appointment? lol...I promise to lay on my couch as we talk. :)
I just wish self awareness could cure it. It has helped me change some things but it has also made me hate myself more for those times I'm disassociating and do something awful or pushing people away....
@@emilywinslett8284 ARGH!! Me too!! I was happier when I thought it was everyone else's fault!! God dammit!!! lol But I am a lot more functional now within myself...still.. I can't enjoy relationships anymore, too self-aware.. the opposite of what I used to be.
@@overimagination2812 lol I wish I was happier then but I wasnt..... it was just easier in a way I think.... its not funny but it kind of is just because everyone says get help or be self aware but for BPD, both of those things make things a lot more difficult for a long time. Professionals refuse to treat us 99% of the time. Being self aware makes us beat ourselves up even more and make us feel helpless and crazy because we know our reactions aren't ok but we also literally cannot stop ourselves sometimes and we overanalyze what we do endlessly after. The guilt and the shame are real..... there is a reason our suicide rates are astronomical
@@overimagination2812 oh and yes, I'm more functional now in that there are some things I've been able to change or fight against myself just from being aware..... I just feel being aware causes me to hate myself even more than I did before I knew my brain was functionally fucked up
Well, I don't know what to think about the first one and a half minutes. It was all too familiar and I'm not sure what that means. You're in spring/summer today, Dr Grande. Nice choice. 😊 Thank you and have a lovely Monday. 👍🌹
Uni work done until October, my son happily playing some Roblox, I sit down to eat my dinner and lo and behold, Dr. Grande has published another new video. Doesn't get much better than this! Hell, I might even have a wee beer ;-)
Thank you Doc! You are spot on in your analysis and I appreciate your input. If you can’t tell I’ve watched about six or seven of your videos this morning with my coffee. I can’t wait for the coronavirus pandemic to end! Stay safe and healthy! Thank you for making this time a little bit easier with your videos!
Thank you so much! I agree that many people are missing skills, sometimes is cognitive skills of understanding why what they do is wrong. Please talk to exluded people - with and without formal diagnosis... Can you please talk more about interactional infractions, and relatively small annoying things? There is a lot of gray in life. People who aren't law breakers, detached from reality megalomaniacs - who struggle with small infractions of social norms, not because they disagree with them but because they never expirience inclusion into any specific group or system. Since social groups are built to exlude and there are micro-rules that are used to communicate who is inside and who is on the outside and once you never really been on the inside, you just don't know what to look at in order to understand the rules its all very confusing. How to check if I am hurting someone building tension without creating it? How to let people know that even though my behavior might be slightly disregulated there are clear boundaries I will never cross? What I am trying to say is that one can obsessively keep all the written rules, and still break unspoken rules and even unspoken rules are there for a reason and it can cause discomfort can be wierd or even scary for others and this people know that they sing of the keys, but they don't know what note they are hitting wrong, and how to fix it or how to stop impulse of singing if they just can't sing intune with others?
Thank you so much, Dr. Grande! This was so helpful, as always! I now feel like I have a good chance of making progress in therapy (Borderline). You are the best! :)
Thanks Dr. This is helpful. I know now that I'm dealing with Cluster B personalities. One very strong common denominator in all of them is not following the law any law civil, criminal, natural or scientific. And the attitude that they are above the law yet they are quick to point out that the monarchy must go (become obsolete) because monarchs are above the law. It's similar to the Marie Antoinette and Romanov cases. The irony is, a few of the ones I'm dealing with are actually obessessed in obtaining titles, i.e. Princess, Duchess, Datu, etc...
The Borderline example of “people just can’t handle me because I’m expressive or have emotions” has become extremely socially acceptable as a way to think about oneself and their long strings of failed relationships. It’s a little troubling.
true. i've been in a few communities for people with BPD. some of them seem to be helpful, so i'm not saying any attempt of having a support group for BPD folks is doomed to fail. but a lot of them end up being an echo chamber for the borderliners to share how misunderstood they are and coddle each others' hurt feelings
I’ve noticed this as well. I’ve also noticed it in support groups for survivors of Narcissistic abuse. Obviously there’s a need for that kind of support, but the leaders of the groups often are Narcissists and encourage members to belittle anyone who they see as a threat.
@@thenarrator4786 people are misdiagnosed and misunderstood it doesn't mean that they aren't harmful too. One can be both misunderstood and emotionally "toxic"... Yes there is a lot of misunderstanding going around and because it's a real problem it's so hard to fix the problem.
It reminds me of the “breaking generational curses” bit, but you mostly see people bashing their parents behavior without ever addressing that they display a lot of that same behavior. Behavioral changes are difficult so I think that’s why a lot of people with heavy personality disorder traits will “walk up to recovery and poke it” so to speak but then not put in effort to change.
The problem I have is: I have a friend that doesn't understand that I'm just well educated in multiple topics. She is always accusing me of "pretending to be an expert", when I am just sharing the knowledge that I have learned. Literally every time I am proven wrong, I always admit being wrong. I have never once pretended to be an expert or acted like a know-it-all, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong. How do I get my friend to see that I am just sharing my knowledge on the topic and not "pretending to be an expert" or "acting like a know-it-all"? It's really annoying when this happens.
I've always known something is wrong with me....from a very young age. Pervasive unhappiness, emptiness, sadness. In my teens and twenties it was mixed with anger and reactivity which in my thirties and forties has settled quite a bit What has replaced it is this emptiness. Feeling like a black hole lives inside me. I am not able to connect externally. I feel like I live behind a veil. I have always had a lot of insight into knowing something is wrong so by diagnostice criteria....it can't be BPD. My doctor made that exact comment when I recently looked for a referral to a psychiatrist for professional evaluation. I have been living with an exacerbated episode which was triggered by the end of the most meaningful and fulfilling relationship I've ever experienced. I've always struggled with extreme fear of abandonedment. This was like a nuclear bomb went off and drove me into my steepest mental health nose dive ever before. It all sounds like BPD to me aside from the fact that I have insight. My doctor mentioned Bi-polar because of my insight. Thoughts? Thank-yoy
now i'm feeling all good about myself because i already do most of these, haha. maybe that's why i haven't been to prison yet another note i'd add is to know your limitations. i lack the emotional capacity to be in a healthy romantic relationship longterm. not that i intentionally want to harm someone, but i can't pretend compassion and understanding to that level 24/7. on the occasions that i've tried, it's only led to hurt feelings and resentment. committed relationships just aren't my cup of tea, so i don't mess with them honesty: no. acceptance of mental health disorders has improved remarkably, but it's still far from fantastic. my particular personality is often used synonymously with such lovely terms as: monster, criminal, the devil, etc. and i know this because i've been referred to as all of those, which is why i actively hide the fact that i'm an unfeeling monster. while i very much enjoy the opportunity to express myself openly (hence why i post here and elsewhere about it anonymously), it just isn't a risk i can afford to take
In retrospect, I look back on a day with my ex when I was self-harming alot. I remember she was looking at me like a monster, like I'd hurt her, so i took a knife and cut across my chest. To say in my bizarre way that it's not u that will be hurt, only me. But I hurt her far more than I hurt myself, I let her down in ways I might never understand. All I'm saying is, I know what lies beneath, even tho I am not that, it's still there. If u had a crazy roommate I doubt you'd bring any company over because u know what will happen. Eventually they'll come out the room and just go nuts for no reason. N then leaves u to clean up the mess.
I hope you recognize that she probably didn't really think you were a monster.. She was probably just trying to understand where you were coming from/ what you were thinking... Everyone is different, but no one can read minds 💜💜💜
Hey, this is great! Thank you very much! It's really great to hear someone in the professional field who's willing to side with the nutjobs. I... am still serious about some of my beliefs which are consistent with NPD (probably not actually clinical in my case), exponentially and several more so in the moment, but as far as I'm concerned I've done right by others in the past three or so years. Responsibility? Still working on that conundrum. I'll awkwardly take ownership of a mistake I've done then spend all day trying to forget about it. Being seen making a mistake is an existential problem. Maybe explaining myself isn't the best way forward with this? Anyway, thanks again. Certainly an accredited individual to see things this way.
Can’t wait until the end of the month so I can buy one of Dr. Todd’s t-shirts. He has been very helpful. What I am not able to understand about people who might have borderline traits concerns money. We all know that money is necessary to maintain most humans. The person I have concerns with was born in an extremely isolated area with very few people. There were churches to help the community. The winter is about 8 months long-so that’s longer than the national average by quite a lot. When her parents were young they drank. The mother was a nice lady , and quit drinking with the births which came pretty rapidly. There were 5 children in all. The first child, a girl, had quite a great deal of strain as the father continued to drink. He would drink the utility bill money. Of course he would lie and hide things like money and other things. She and her mother were often embarrassed and had to borrow from church- they paid it back but were late. There’s always a sense of desperation with the oldest girl (now an older woman) She pretends to b e exceptionally confidant, and unshakable. However, she gets exceptionally confused with money. Even when money is available to pay as necessary; She switches stories to make the person providing the money to appear wrong. She uses communication to confuse people very often but always when it involves money. She has passed this on in smaller ways to her children. They are almost always trying to take from one issue and give to the other - when in fact; They can pay what they owe straight forward. This makes a funny or eye winking story for them to tell though it isn’t at all necessary. They tell these stories as they drink to bond them to one another. She uses falsified facts and deception to bond her to her children. Everyone else is confused as hell. It causes anxiety in anyone who has ever worked with her. Does anyone have insight ?
Such good examples of personality disorder trait misbehaviors. Becoming aware of how people are in truth are and that a lot of the time people are doing that we are not aware of right away that they are doing alone or in groups might help people become aware of how important it is to not offer blind trust to people and how how their own disfunctional attitudes towards older people, the other gender and towards peoples with DNA different than our own families hurts not only other people like the woman over age 80 and her daughter who got over a million dollars stolen from them during this pandemic. The truth is that that kind of behavior done by crminals is hurting them too. MAny a criminal mastermind after his children start to become adults become aware too late how their 'protecting' of their family in the past by hurting others like talking negative about them behind their backs is going to cost them in terms of their own personal safety around town around others with personality pathology too who heard about it or about theiir worse crimes already done and the loss of any real respect from others ever offered now in the past or future in their own town and acorss the globe too while being only politically correct. I like the example you gave Dr. Grande of the car that wouldn't start given yesterday I found an old photograph taken after my dad died with my mom towering over 2 of her respectable male friends in which all 3 of them were looking under the hood of her car while trying to figure out how to get it working again so my mom could at over age 50 could continue working as a live in caregiver during which time I was helping her for free whenever she was being expected to take her client with Alzheimer's disease from the family she was spending most of her time with out on a field trip like going to see a play or whatever. My mother liked to entertain her family members at any occason where there was a dance by dancing with another friend of hers through marriage who's head only reached as high as her armpit. Everyone including my dad would roar with laughter every time. Since my mother already had a replaced hip she needed my help to do that. And so I too can have lots of hope that I can continue to find enough respectable friends from both genders and from different backgrounds and occupations that I can work together with to be productive in my life during and after this pandemic is over regardless of what anyone else thinks.
This is a good question. I have adhd, so when i start to get freaked, i go inward, like deep, darkness...because people's energy is teally really strong to me. It hurts. So i have punched walls, quit jobs, anything to avoid hurting actual people.
Note: in the description of the video, for histrionic personality you listed the details for paranoid personality disorder I think. It should be checked. Otherwise, great content 😊
Could you do this with the cluster A personality disorder?! Extremely insightful and explains it easily and accurately! Thanks! Keep up the good videos. 👏🏼
Thank you Dr. Grande. I always appreciate your topics. Funny thing: my ex would actually yell at the car, lawnmower, or snowblower and physically strike it when it was broken and sometimes it fixed the problem! 😂 Sadly as I was writing this I realized he did the same to me. I'd heard that NPD treat people as objects. Did he see me the same as the lawnmower? Oh yuck!
My cluster B father has been driving me nuts being quarantined with him. When he’s being abusive and manipulative he tries to gaslight, deny what he literally just said and does moments ago, and acts like he doesn’t understand why everyone has a problem. I finally just lost my cool and told him he’s a liar, immature and does not consider the consequences he has on others. Like seriously therapy would be great for him, but he would not do it unless my parents were divorcing again maybe. But I do side that if clients develop insight towards themselves and develop empathy would be best. I’m just so pissed right now. Ugh
Is it possible you also could have some responsibility? Could you have hurt his feelings somehow or reacted to him in a way that is negative/destructive rather than conducive to healing? I always find that conflict takes two or more, even if one person is the provocateur-in-chief.
The following may sound a bit weird for people who have Cluster B PDs, so simply don't read it, when you have a diagnosis of that kind. I always find it to be very helpful, once the doctor speaks out the thoughts of NPD and antisocial PD. They actually make me laugh. Better than every antidepressant that's on the market. I wish he would do a podcast with these thoughts, this clearly could help me against my MDD/PDD. I think people with these problems simply have to much of something that I don't have enough of, or it's the other way around. The balanced personality maybe is somewhere in the middle of these both extremes. You simply need the other pole.
i'm a cluster b person, and i think you're spot on about the extremes of any personality trait leading to problems. my Big 5 personality scores are all over the place. extroversion 100; openness 90; neuroticism 7. lol
I bet you get a lot of viewers who are questioning themselves but can’t face the strong likelihood that they do indeed have a personality disorder. I know in my 30s I just decided to give men a break because it seemed like they were always suffering from my behavior which was baffling because I considered myself a “good person“. I had a habit of abandoning men who didn’t seem to treat me well as I figured I deserved to be treated. This generally occurred without much warning if any. My justification was always that if a person is not inclined to treat you a certain way it’s a waste of time to plead with them. The behavior was telling enough. It’s not my job to beg or plead. Anyway what I’m about to say next is probably classic for BPD but I’m relieved to find that shoe doesn’t fit. Interestingly I was diagnosed with dependent personality disorder in my early 20s when I was married and very devoted to my father who was a young widow at the time. That was right before I ditched my husband and finished medical school as a single parent. It’s ironic that the psychiatrist who diagnosed me tried to persuade me to stay married! And now in retrospect I know he was right because my ex-husband was really a great person still is and he’s my friend. Anyway I love these videos and this one was great. It contains no incontrovertible evidence that I am a sicko that can’t be ignored with a healthy dose of denial
Doctor, is it possible to give an answer, with an explanation on the question; "Which personality disorder (without any other comorbidities) is the best to treat"? Thanks, Dr. Grande 😃🇳🇱
Chronic emptiness is probably the last trait that still bothers me because I’ve worked for years in therapy on all of the other stuff. The problem is that I get bored and happiness feels so fleeting. Whenever I run into another person with a personality disorder which seems to happen every few years or so, I often become enmeshed. We are toxic together but the situation brings that adrenaline into my life that helps me feel alive. Why can’t I just be satisfied with the good things in my life. I just wish I could be happy and not fall into old patterns.
I do appreciate the thought spared for Cluster Bs, but I'm not sure how well I can apply this to myself. Despite being diagnosed ASPD, I don't really go out of my way to harm people. It just ends up being more trouble than it is worth -- either you come on too strong in exploiting someone and they get hostile, or you have to spend too much time working on someone to start exploiting them. So, I don't think I end up hurting many people. Not more than the average person. Maybe some tips on impulse control? I dunno.
I really like this one, Dr. G because it helped me to understand my ex-husband, poor guy. Now I am not easy to live with and of course our divorce was partly my fault. But when we learned I was mentally ill, it was always fix White Mane, then I'll go to counseling w/her. He was a law breaker, and even violent at times. He blamed the fact he sexually cheated on me! I just learned that his 2nd marriage just broke up and I feel bad for him. If he would just take responsibility for his actions. 😟 Anyway, thanks again, I am learning so much. Cheers!
