I have mixed feelings about it, because there aren't many available men. Instead of divorcing, people are staying is sex stale relationships and doing polyamory instead (which honestly for most means just f*&king people on the side). Some actually do value the people, but most just have flings. I think it's unfair and makes it more difficult to find a monogamous partner. If you don't love each other anymore, just divorce. It's fine.
@@JDMimeTHEFIRST The vast majority of marriages throughout history had nothing to do with love. They were about alliances between families and political and economic considerations.
@@JDMimeTHEFIRST this feels like a super toxic and uninformed take. Implying that only people in stale marriages, or people that would be better off divorced, are the ones that seek polyamorous relationships is UNHINGED. As a person that has been in an open polyamorous relationship for 15 years I can say that you are not describing polyamorous people. Nobody just wakes up next to their spouse and decides to go have sex with a stranger cause they're not getting sex at home. (Maybe someone is, probably cheaters are, maybe someone is using the word polyamory to hide their true intentions or the true nature of their relationships or something stupid like that, but it has absolutely nothing to do with polyamory). Polyamorous people are genuinely seeking relationships. What those relationships are varies a lot from one individual to another, but it is a part of their identity. It's no different than a person wanting or needing a monogamous relationship, some people just want or need a polyamorous relationship. That's how life works. We're all different and have different priorities, different wants, different needs, different views, and different values.
@@douglasyoung927 What are your thoughts on some poly people saying that monogamy is "unnatural" and that everyone will be poly in the future? Because I barely see anyone calling them out and it just hurts poly representation.
I tried dating two people at the same time a few years ago. I honestly just found it super exhausting. It felt like way too much work. Having to consider two people instead of one was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don’t know if anyone else has had this experience or not. I’m not against it and I’m not saying I would never try it again, but it was really mentally taxing for me. There wasn’t jealousy, I just felt like I couldn’t give the energy I wanted to give to more than one person. I personally feel like I can only give so much, and splitting that between two people was too hard for me.
i absolutely feel this way and relate 100x, you're not alone. as a bisexual woman i also feel like so often i am "scouted out" by poly people just for my sexuality. also, i came to a realization in this relationship that the only person who continuously kept wanting other female partners was the male, while the other woman in the relationship never seemed to be interested in that. it felt like he wanted his own personal harem and it was really damaging for me. many times when i would just try to take a moment to myself (i'm someone who very much needs my "me" time and made this clear to them) one partner or another would trying to be get my attention to do another thing. i felt like i was getting pulled in the middle of a tug-of-war battle. but these are just my personal experiences and i'm aware it can be done healthily, people (i think especially women) just have to be careful.
@@manyyoumas I'm so sorry this happened to you - my first experience with polyam was similar. Couples that date like this are often known as unicorn hunters (harem builders exist too though, sadly!) I'm older and wiser now, and have careful questions for vetting who I date (and I only date individuals, never couples), but I wish I could act as some sort of... IDK, chaperone? guardian? wise old crone? for newer, younger folx.
That’s so interesting to be because not having a lot of energy is part of why I only do poly or open relationships. I’m chronically ill and disabled, I know I can’t be someone’s “everything” but I still desire romantic relationships. I prefer my partner has other partners so I don’t feel as much pressure to meet all their needs.
I agree. I always start out dating multiple people but eventually narrow down to one for a serious relationship. I understand having adventures with your partner, but to have full relationships continually with more than one person takes up so much time, unless someone is neglected sometimes (which is what I hear a lot of people dealing with). I also don't want dating to be my hobby. That is so draining and takes the fun out of it. You feel like you have to compete with your partner. I don't like that dynamic.
I'd been in a monogomous relationship for five years with my girlfriend, and we'd discussed Polyamory before simply in the context of "Hey, how would you feel about this?" since we're both asexual (she's slightly aromantic as well) and quite a few of our friends are poly, so it was natural for it to come up in a "Hey, if you needed a parter for 'adult funtimes'..." kind of way, when a really close friend who I had a bit of a crush on expressed feelings for me, and after discussion with my current girlfriend we decided to give poly a try. It.. was most definitely a LOT of work, especially early on, making our new parter feel welcome and an equal part of the relationship, on top of us all just, you know, trying to work out how to make things work. We also more than embodied the 'u-haul lesbians' stereotype since we invited her to move in with us like, three weeks after we got together :P We're not quite a triad, I kind of jokingly refer to us as a "Capital A" relationship, since we're somewhere between a triad and a hinge relationship. My partners aren't quite in a full relationship together, but we all live together, they refer to each other as girlfriends rather than metamours, kiss each other goodnight, and at the very least they're at 'comfortable co-habitation' with each other. It's now five years later, so I've been with my initial partner for ten years and our new partner for five. We weathered COVID lockdowns together (hell, we got together not even a year before COVID hit) and numerous other issues, and are a quite happy little polycule household with two cats and a puppy. Not only that, but a few weeks ago 'new' partner (after consulting with our other partner first) asked me to marry her!! (how they kept it secret without letting anything on I don't know!!). Usually our relationship just feels like the most natural thing in the world, because for us it really is, and then occasionally you'll get reminders (like from a couple of people when they found out about us getting engaged, and being concerned about if other partner was okay with it) that polyamoury really isn't the societal norm and it's like "Oh yeah, this isn't what most people experience.." It's not all sunshine and rainbows as far as life goes, but, well, we're three Asexual (and one kinda Aromantic) women living together, all with varying chronic physical & mental health issues. Also I'm (quite severely) AuDHD, and we've recently realised that 'new' partner is Autistic as well (thankfully almost 100% of our friends are queer and/or Neurodiverse, so social is much easier than otherwise), but I'm happy to say that our issues are like.. General Life Issues rather than Relationship issues, if that makes sense? Anyway, I'm waffling like hell here, so I'm going to sign off. I just wanted to give an example of how, even if you kinda accidentally into a Poly relationship, it really *can* work out long term, and form a loving family that just *works* together
I'm so happy for you and your loved ones!! This sounds like an absolute dream and I hope you guys are happy for many many years :D I'm also ace in a relationship with another ace person and while neither of us have the emotional bandwidth at this time to add a third, I've always been a fan of open relationships for the reason you stated first "as an ace person around people who might want other forms of intimacy". Basically my feelings on it are, if my partner is poly, then cool, if my partner is monogamous then cool, I've read people call this ambiamorous and honestly I like that a lot :> Sorry to babble pff I'm also ADHD hehe I wish you guys all the happiness in the world!
i just adore this! Im audhd ace/queer and i agree with so much of your approach/attitude here. Esp love that you pointed out the stuff that comes up is figuring out complicated life stuff and not like "how do i make you more tolerable?" the way a lot of standard dating advice can come off
Healthy triads (almost) never start as a couple dating a "third", but typically develop organically, when the hinge intriduces two partners and they hit it off and form a separate relationship. The three dyadic (two person) relationships usually remain strong individually, with the group relationship being a bonus rather than the focus.
I've non monogamous for a full decade or so!🩷This is often my experience. Maybe a solo adventure, fling, or budding relationship turns into a fun group bonding experience when we all spend time together and realize the chemistry and affection is just there. Forcing it never goes well. Usually at least one of the people in the triad (when it's forced or pressured or feels like an obligation) is pushing themselves past their boundaries or personal desire to fawn or please the other partners. That in turn allows a lot of resentment or insecurity to fester.
My partner and I are in an open relationship and I never felt more secure. He is my save haven, my home, but I love to travel, love new and shiny things. We are both queer and neuro-spicy and I just met another queer and neuro-spicy couple with an open relationship. I even met their boyfriend and we are all play-flirting with each other, it is so much fun! We are just ourself, going with the flow and no one needs to worry about misunderstandings, because we just talk about it. I ran out of energy one time and they asked what I needed and provided it, they let me be until I could get back up and it was like the breakdown didn't happen at all. You need to find the right people and everything seems suddenly very easy. I would love more videos about this, because the stigma and pre-justice is still strong.
Another type of polyamory that I don't see talked about as much is garden/birthday party polyamory. It's when metamours are comfortable getting together for key life events (like holidays, birthdays, and graduations) but not necessarily as close or friendly as kitchen table poly; the focus is primarily getting together for import moments that matter to your partner. I felt a ton of pressure to do kitchen table poly when I first started exploring polyamory (ty people pleasing tendencies 🙃), and I'm grateful I now have a term to describe what type of poly feels better for me. It was a bit overwhelming at first seeing multiple people but I'm in a loving mono/poly relationship and it's so nice. Ty for another great video!
Wow! I literally teared up when you explained "ambiamory" because... that's me! I'm in a monogamous relationship with my wife and am super fulfilled and also! I've been very fulfilled in poly relationships. Thanks for giving me a word to describe the very confusing journey I went on in therapy to arrive at the same concept lol
Thank you for breaking down ENM! I've been living with my partners for 18 and 8 years and the stigma makes it so I've never felt comfortable talking about or flaunting our lifestyle. I just want to be able to hold their hands in public and not feel like everyone is judging:')
I had a really bad experience in a poly relationship (bad people, not bad in practice) but I still don’t really think it’s for me. But I love this talk about it being more of a relationship orientation. I feel like sometimes when this conversation is had both sides kind of feel like they’re the ‘better healthier’ type of relationship but to me it just seems the same kind of preference as any other and it’s silly to feel one is superior. I love supporting everybody’s healthy relationships and love that as a society we’re getting comfortable enough to talk about different perspectives.
I think people being poly or ENM is fine, but human beings are naturally monogamous. It's a myth to say otherwise. The confusion is that we think we should be in lifelong relationships. Monogamy doesn't last forever. Most are 4-10 years for long term relationships. It's not actually natural to be together for 40 years. It may be convenient because of how society makes it so you need a partner just to retire if you're a woman. Pay woman more and don't be ageist against women, and I guarantee no relationship will last past 10 years. If women could be seen as the beauties we are in older age, we wouldn't want to be in a relationship for more than 5 years. We'd be like men 😅 Scientific studies show that the brain doesn't romantically love more than one person at a time. So if you think you are in an equal poly, one person is preferring someone over the other. Sorry to burst people's bubbles.
@@JDMimeTHEFIRSTit may be the case that some people can’t be romantically in love with multiple people at the same time. That seems plausible to me, I’ve certainly seen that. That doesn’t mean nobody can- and the evidence shows that many people can be romantically in love with multiple people at the same time. My own life experience shows me this, as I am romantically in love with two different people right at this exact moment. I love their differences. They both give me things and fulfill me in ways the other one doesn’t. I feel as though I don’t want to live without either person. I could never choose one- either choice would leave me heartbroken without the other. Luckily I don’t have to choose because they both love me and both appreciate that the other one loves me too. Sometimes when you really love someone- you know it’s a team effort!
Thank you! This makes me feel better about coming out with my family, so far I've had to hide my relationship from a lot of my loved ones because I fear they won't understand/accept it for what it is. ❤
I've been in a poly relationship with my wife for 20 years now, so I'm always happy to see people posting about the realities (positive and sometimes negative) of the orientation/lifestyle (I personally think it's an orientation, myself, but you can still choose to be monogamous, if you'd like). It's definitely not for everyone, but if it resonates with you, go for it! It can be truly enriching. And at the very least, it definitely teaches you a lot about yourself and your partner(s). ❤
I’m monogamous, but found this channel when I started getting approached by couples and polyamorous people. The one polyamorous person I interacted and got entangled with ended up being an unethical person who manipulated me into forced intimacy. So because of this I also have been watching your content to see and learn about how polyamorous people are for the most part good people, to help me heal from my trauma. Thank you Mickey and Aaron for this content and your podcast! I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in all of your content.
Most I've encountered have not been good people. But they are those dudes who infiltrate and literally just want a harem of women. It's gross. I also dated someone like this and his girlfriend seemed very unhappy and seemed to despise him. It was like she hooked up with other men just as revenge for him constantly being with other women. I was disgusted by their whole relationship of using other people to get revenge with each other. The guy also liked very young women which turned me off. I had to stop seeing him. I was not young, neither was he or his girlfriend (all in our 30s, they were a little more into their 30s than me). But that just turned me off from it. But I secretly want two husbands who also love each other, so . . .
I am pretty skeptical of poly people, probably because I was in a codependent relationship with a poly person, and my jealousy got in the way. I doubt I could handle it. I don’t share.
I've always felt poly, but denying my identity hurt my monogamous ex partner. Now, I'm with another poly person free to explore all my other friendships and relationships; and I've never felt more like my authentic self. I was so excited to see you'd made a video on this!
I just found out that I’m ambiamorous and I feel so much relief. I finally have a word to describe it. I told my girlfriend who I’m in a monogamous relationship with, and she was very supportive!! Thank you Mickey!!
I’ve been happily polyamorous for about 3 years now and I’m always happy to see people talking about how to be ethically nonmonogamous ^-^ I’ve got a very nice kitchen table polycule, with both romantic and queerplatonic relationships, and I feel so safe and supported. 🥰
I appreciate framing this as a relationship style orientation rather than a "lifestyle". Back when I started my polyamory journey almost 12 years ago, I didn't really hear it talked about that way, but I think it makes a lot of sense. I would be polyamorous even if I was in a functionally monogamous relationship. Just like a bisexual person is still bisexual even if they're in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I agree with the advice to date separately, especially to start with. In the early days, my ex and I tried dating one of those "package deal" couples,. My partner really hit it off with one of them, but I didn't have any attraction to the other. It was like trying to pursue some combo of swinging and polyamory, it got weird pretty quickly. These days I'm solo polyamorous, kind of kitchen table style. I come by compersion easily for the most part, so that's nice. My partners have gotten together to play board games without me, because that's a shared interest for them and I'm not into gaming (gasps heard around the polyamorous world, we exist 😆). It warms my heart.
I'd love a video on jealously and polyamory! as someone pretty young and new, this is something ive seen and heard come up but not really discussed in depth. Thank you!!!!!❤
One of my biggest pieces of advice is that jealousy is NOT a bad thing and shouldn't be treated as such. It let's you know something is up, whether with you or them. I've struggled with being jealous with my partner (we are in an open relationship) hooking up with other ppl, but that jealousy could be telling me that I wish my partner would do that with me, so maybe I should just ask for it. Also, a feeling is not an accusation. I felt really really jealous of my bfs friends for awhile, because he's a private person and doesn't tell me a lot. I explained to him that it was staring to feel like he was hiding things. He understood that i didn't actually think he was, but i felt that way, and something needs to be done about that feeling. He's been more open about it, and I'm a lot less jealous. In a past relationship, I met the girl he was hooking up with and we had a wonderful conversation about barbie, and once I could imagine him hooking up with this funny girl I'd spoken to who was extremely respectful of our relationship than Another Woman, things were much easier. She and I are still friends even though I dumped the guy. Point is, jealousy is telling you something. Are you jealous your partner hooked up with a nice girl he met at a bar, or do you just wish he would initiate spontaneous sex more. There's loads of other aspects but this has been huge for me. Also to ASK for reassurance when you need it, and when you ask make sure you're asking "hey I feel crummy can you please remind me you love me very very much" not acting off until they ask what's wrong. Edited: added a sentence for clarity
@@notapeacockfan3356 hey thanks! I really appreciate this perspective. Looking at jealousy the same way we might look at hunger. It might not feel great in the moment, but it's better to eat something (or say something) before it gets worse.
My husband and I (Gay men) are open but not poly. We weren't for 12 years. Many people think it's because we're not interested in each other anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth. Becoming open actually has made us communicate better and we're more in love and happier than ever before. We say we're both "in it to win it" with each other because we feel secure enough with each other that being open won't cause any issues. I know that won't work with everyone, and it isn't easy, there have been ups and downs, but worth it in my opinion. We both started therapy, apart and together, when we became open. It's helped tremendously. We've considered poly but both agreed we wouldn't seek it out or force it. If a hookup turns into a friend, then maybe more, that's okay.
This was a great video, thank you! I feel very fortunate because my poly journey started right at the beginning of a new relationship - they brought it up, it came at the right time for me to be open to it, and we built our poly-ness at the same time that we were building a relationship. No need to rip out the floorboards to alter the foundation of an existing relationship. It's not always going to be the way people can enter polyamory, but I really recommend either that, or beginning polyamory while single. I cannot imagine the difficulty of turning a monogamous relationship into a poly one - so much respect for people who do that successfully! One piece of ethical advice I would add to this is to really carefully think through the rules/boundaries one is setting up when one is figuring poly stuff out with their partner(s). I've seen a lot of examples of people making rules based on trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings, and it almost always ends in disaster, because guess what - it's impossible to avoid uncomfortable feelings forever as a human being. And often these rules will end up upholding couples' privilege or destroying the relationship(s). Think through the why of each boundary that is set, and consider the future implications and whether the boundary is even possible to hold.
This couldn’t come at a better time. I just got out of a super enmeshed codependent relationship, and am drawn to trying solo poly so I can be my own primary ❤️ casually dating partnered people as a secondary seems like a wonderful way to get my romantic needs met without slipping back into that pattern of codependency.
I feel the key to codependent recovery is self-help/therapy, not changing how many ppl you date at any given time. Just my two cents coming from a VERY enmeshed family. Codependency tends to be closely related to very toxic parents (one is often a narcissist) which if that’s the case means we have tons of trauma we may not even be aware of. Hence… therapy.
As a polyamorous woman I say a big thank you for normalizing polyamory! Been married 24 years, were swingers for quite awhile until we learned polyamory was even an option 13 years ago! Our child grew up with it normalized in his life and he appreciates the good adult interaction he has had in his life. He was also hurt emotionally when my spouse broke up with his ex, he was best friends with their son. We have had highs and lows in our journey, but everything was worth it! Many lessons learned. I even got to do an hour long power point presentation at a local LGBTQ educational series! I haven't finished the video yet... But thank you so much for talking about couple's privilege, Veto, and NRE! I hope you also touch on unicorn hunting and OPP!
Yes, please release a second video (or more!) on the topic! I would be interested in hearing the perspective of someone who came to polyamory as a single person, as well, if you are willing/able to bring on a guest! I am polyamorous, specifically a relationship anarchist, in a period of chosen celibacy right now. And I'm really excited to take some time to reflect and learn (and importantly unlearn biases I didn't know I had) while solely in a relationship with myself ❤️ thanks for this video, Mickey
This was interesting! I’m in a Quad relationship where all of us are together and it’s been great! But it was also a more natural progression for us than something we were looking for, in fact I only used a dating app once before giving that up entirely. They started out as my friends for years (like decades for two of them and almost a decade for another) and they all three got together around the same time around 5-6 years ago and I only joined them a couple years ago when they started signaling interest and I found that I was mentally ready for a relationship (I had very briefly dated only two other people before and found that the heart just wants what it wants - well that and I am very ace/Demi and only really felt interest in them after many years of knowing them and developing our friendship). It’s been very good and I’d say our biggest problem is financial because we can’t afford a house big enough for all of us in our area, so it’s funny to me that our relationship style is so rare because of how well it’s been working for us so far.
Would love that second video! My wife and I are working towards becoming poly. It's been a lot of personal reflecting, reading up on it, asking people about their experiences etc. Just the journey towards opening up has been a big step in levelig up our communication skills, we love each other more and trust each other more than we ever have
This was great! Im a solo-poly relationship anarchist with 3 partners (one being a QPP) and I am loving my life. I was one of the people that my entrance to polyam was a car wreck of NRE leading to a relationship exploding (they left me to be with their new partner) but i learned SO MUCH from that hard experience and now I am living the dream hehe ❤
Thank you for addressing this topic! What an amazing video. I could write you a whole essay about my experience with polyamory from the perspective of a gay triad member. To be honest I know basically nothing about how dating works in the straight world and there are probably a lot of differences in how polyamory is handled compared to gay men in particular. It's really beautiful when things come together in unexpected ways and the relationship just works.
really glad you are talking about this. I wish more then anything I had this info a few years back when my boyfriend and I got into a relationship with another woman. It was 100% unintentional and the 3 of us had zero experience dating more then one person at once. It fell apart. we were young and I felt like we were moving to fast, of course everything was all wonderful and fun at the time but when you don't put the breaks on, you crash... We had no one to talk to about about our relationship because the 3 of us grew up in very "traditional" households. We ended up getting most of our info from reddit, and damn It didn't help one bit. not only was reddit garbage, but the 3 of us got a lot of hate and backlash when we reached out to others for advice. apparently people didn't like "thruples" and we were given no explanation why or even a definition of what that word meant at the time. It was a heartbreaking experience, and looking back, I feel like the 3 of us would still be together if we had been less isolated from the concept of nonmonogamy and more educated.
Yes please for another video! As an gray-asexual neurodivergent (AuDHD) woman, I don't really want to spend my free time dating, but I'm very interested in learning more about relationship dynamics and interpersonal effectiveness as it can relate to romantic partners.
I've been ENM for about a year! It's been a roller coaster experience, but ultimately a good one so far. I think my husband and I have both grown individually and this has been good for us. I'm really glad he had an open mind when I started the conversation ages ago.
This was fascinating, as far as I know I'm monogamous but it's always nice to see stuff I don't know much about through a human lense, it sucks that there's so much soap boxing either hating on poly or hating monogamy when either should be fine if done right and with love and care.
I think a more apt comparison than the “well if you wear skimpy clothes, of course you’re gonna get harassed” argument is such: the belief that if you are conventionally attractive, you should *expect* to get sexually harassed. This implies that the harassment is deserved because their attractiveness is a privilege. It’s a privilege people can’t always help, but some people might flaunt it. It’s something they have that others don’t, so sexual harassment is like a social “equalizer” Being famous is seen as a privilege, since it comes with recognition, adoration & money (though not always that one, but that’s a different topic). Therefore because they have the privilege of being famous, being harassed is the social “equalizer” for us non-famous people.
My husband and I have thought about being poly many times over the years and this video literally showed us that it would not work for us and why. Thank you for making such digestible content with really thought provoking information. I genuinely think this is the best explanation of the ins and outs of polyamory I’ve ever seen.
Great video! I'd love to get your perspective on some topics I see discussed in other polyamorous spaces. 1. You kind of touched on unicorn hunting at the end, without explicitly naming it, but it would probably be helpful for newbies to define it more directly and elaborate why couples shouldn't do it, and what singles should look out for to avoid getting hunted. 2. Relationship style, or orientation? I see this debate pop up again and again. Is being polyamorous inborn, like a sexual orientation, or is it a relationship style that someone chooses? The reasons it matters: sometimes in a monogamous couple, one person wants to transition to polyamory and uses the same kind of language that someone would use coming out as gay, in an attempt to coerce the other partner into going along with it. Like, "This is who I am, I can't help it, aren't you going to support me?" kind of thing. As if forcing them to still be monogamous is akin to forcing someone to stay in the closet. The other issue is that some straight, cis, polyamorous people think they are included under the LGBTQIA banner, and that the Pride movement and celebrations are also about them. Whereas others think Pride should be about people who have faced actual oppression for who they are, not people who have faced inconveniences for how they are choosing to structure their relationships. Sorry this is so long, but I would love to hear your thoughts in another video, and thanks again for this one!
Ooo I have heard the being excluded from pride because "you dont have oppression" for asexuality and aromanticism so I am a little sus on that for polyamoury
@@Skrill99 just not be in a gay relationship duh 😂 Just pointing out that theres a bit of a blind spot to dismissing polyam (amd often ace) peoplw because "well that was a choice you made, you can just don't".
I’m guessing for some folks polyamory is more akin to orientation like a sexual orientation, and for other folks it’s more like a choice of lifestyle and life structure. And maybe for some folks it’s a bit of both. In terms of how it relates to social justice movements, or Pride, even if polyamory is an inherent orientation for some people, it doesn’t mean you can directly compare it to sexual orientation, as it’s not a direct comparison… much like you can’t directly compare different forms of oppression, such as misogyny and racism. They can and do intersect, and that intersection is important to understand, but they are also distinct things of their own with their own defining issues, and can not be directly compared.
Ive been doing poly for a while and i had no idea there were resources like this out there. we kind of just winged it. i had a friend that i liked but she got a bf but we started hanging out together and the next thing ik im in a trouple lol. relationship dynamics have changed since them between my partners and their partners and i now just have one partner but our relationship is still pretty open and im still good friends with my ex and her partners. personally closed monogamous relationships tend to stress me out and im currently happy with my current situation, but i had to learn these things the hard way but i feel like things have come out for the better because my communication skills have most definitely improved not only with the people in my life but also with myself.
Thanks for sharing! I really enjoyed the info! I find this topic fascinating and would love to hear more videos about it! I'm not really in a place to give anyone any advice, but if anyone stumbles on this comment lol, one thing I think people should be careful with when they're thinking about exploring polyamory with their previously-monogamous partner--is just to check in with yourself and make sure that you really don't just want to break up with your partner. I think people can really underestimate how uncomfortable instigating a break up can be, because if you share housing and/or finances and/or kids, it's about to change your whole life. And people feel like it would make them the bad guy, and people really hate feeling like the bad guy! (Take it from me, lol, I have put off really hard conversations for too long because it feels awful!) One thing I have seen here and there from some people is they try polyamory, and then when they're in a new relationship, and now they have to juggle two different partners, plus a glittery deluge of new relationship energy (maybe from someone younger than their first partner, because single/available people tend to be younger) and they discover just how hard having two relationships is and everyone is having all their big feelings, and then boom, they break up with their first partner, and suddenly they go monogamous for their second partner. There can be lots of explanations for this kind of behavior (like just not understanding new relationship energy, for one, like Mickey talks about in the video) or someone just changing their relationship style to suit their mood ("kinda bored with long-term partner, let's go poly" "really into new partner!! gonna go monogamous to secure the bag!!") but I think in some circumstances, people just fell out of love in their original relationship in the first place and were doing mental gymnastics to avoid admitting that to themselves. And from the outside, like, trying polyamory is totally value neutral, and it's okay to try it and discover it doesn't work for you. But I think some people approach "trying polyamory" as if it will be easier than a break up, when in fact it can very well be harder!! (Especially if you just wanted to break up in the first place, and this is going to give your partner more heartache to deal with and delaying the inevitable.)
Since me and my partner became non-monogamous I have been way more secure in my relationship with them. I have dated other people now alongside this relationship and it always felt very fulfilling emotionally even if the other relationships did not last or turned into „just“ friendships. However it is quite taxing to keep multiple relationships healthy and going, so I‘m rarely actively looking for a new partner and rather give chances to people if the opportunity arises. I feel like (especially during the transition phase) that helped with getting out of the mind set that I might be cheating even though I talked to my partner in great detail about it. Non monogamy was actually a great way for us to be more emotionally vulnerable and open with each other mostly because we really had to up our communication skills for the relationships to be good I really wish the best of luck to all of you curious, no matter if it turns out to be your thing or not. Everyone deserves to feel happy and secure in their relationships, be they platonic or romantic❤
YES!! Please make more videos on non monogamy! It’s perfect timing my partner and I just opened up our relationship largely because I was needing more queer community and community care and this is so helpful as it is really scary to learn and do new things!
I would love a video specifically on couples privilege and ways it shows up as well as ways to avoid it! I think it would be super insightful and helpful for baby polyams breaking into the community.
Love this! 🙌🏻. Lots of new info here! I have definitely inquired into some of the terminology as I absolutely want to be an ally for my poly friends. I can’t say I’m in it for myself, but I also won’t say I’m morally opposed to it. Im ace spec, and i know that a lot of aces thrive in poly relationships… so I’m not going to box myself in because something might turn out to be the right situation for me to thrive. At a minimum, i would say that I understand some of the reasons people may choose polyamorous relationships.
Currently in the poly-mono limbo zone. I have talked about it with my partner and we agreed we are open to it. But I don't seem to find any other people to date. So. Yeah 😂
As somebody who's been polyamourus since 2015 and im queer and trans. I wish Polysecure was around when I was as first starting out. It's very eye opening on relationships and it's also a gentle reminder that just because someone has tramua doesn't mean they have an excuse to be a jerk. That includes me as well. Anyways im happy in my polycule their part of my choosen family and I love them so much.
Love this! Thanks for the breakdown. I have been poly for almost a year and I am really still trying to figure things out. I don’t really know how my ideal utopia of polycule can happen in a society (around me) that is full of monogamous setting and misunderstandings. We broke up me and my ex because they realized they were monogamous, and now I am pretty lost and I don’t know what to expect and build, but I would love to be in a polycule but not sure I have the resources and the available time and also the ways to get into that. For now I think I will stick with labeling myself as polyamorous and make it clear to my potential partners that I am open to date multiple people. I hope this work out somehow 😅
Thank you for making this video. I personal haven't begun dating and I like to learn about different circumstances while also acknowledging the fact not all romantic relationships are equal. The Ethical Slut is also one of my favourite books on the topic of polyamory and I'll be sure to check out the others.
id love more content on polyamory! my wife and I are just beginning our journey into being poly and I learned so much just from this video, I really want to learn more!
25:50 this happened to me recently in my poly relationship. Just a thing happening that made me finally put words to something I didn't realize I was feeling for a while. I'm in a triad, and we were all able to talk and find solutions. But man yeah that does happen and sucks when it does
My personal way of defining polyamory is that my love is not divided, it's multiplied ❤ Much in the way having more than one child doesn't take away from how much you love your firstborn, I am comfortable falling in love with more than one person and it enriches my life even more than being monogamous did. Right now I'm only dating one person, but even the option of being open to love if the opportunity presents itself feels freeing and right for me 😊 7:33 lol I legit paused to type my comment right before you said basically the same thing! The thing that I find most important in any relationship, but especially navigating polyamory, is communication. Its the best (only?) way to know what boundaries each relationship has and what each person is comfortable with. To me, that's all it takes to practice ethical non-monogamy.
I can see how one develops feelings for another person while being in a relationship. I don't say I will never do that because I don't know about the future. I just think I'll be sad if my future partner tells me to try polyamory, but I'll agree with them, then I'll be all happy exploring my options while my partner starts to feel insecure and screw up our relationship.
I was sitting here wondering what it would mean to *not* transition to polyamory from monogamy, only to remember that I'm solo poly. I didn't start in a monogamous relationship that transitioned to polyamorous, so that's probably it lmao
I tried poly for damn near a decade and I kept being in relationship with people who suck and didn't treat me well. When I'd try to talk about the things that were sucking with friends to try and figure out what was going wrong people kept telling me it was my issues. So when my current partner said she would only date me if I was not poly with her, I jumped on the opportunity.
We're not really monogamous though. Sex is just something fun we can share with anyone like any other hobby, but as far as romantic relationships, we only date each other.
The thing is, if you tend to attract toxic people or provide some of the toxicity yourself, switching from polyamory to monogamy is not going to get you any different results. You'll have fewer plates spinning and fewer sources of drama, but the end result will be the same.
As an ace person I'd love to be in a relationship with two others in theory, you know we can divide labor :D but i'm too lazy to try and date even one person.
Damn, I can barely make a relationship with one person work without my entire sense of self being engulfed into theirs, let alone multiple. Best case scenario I would "go aromantic" on them because of overwhelm 😅
I'm in an odd, or maybe completely typical(?) situation where I've decided this is something I need/want, and my husband very much needs monogamy, so we're getting divorced. I've been married for over 20 years and very much don't want any kind of commitment, but I think what I'm looking for is sexual partners who will also become good friends. I am curious how common this is? Non-monogamous friends with benefits I guess?
Ha, I guess I'm the oddball for never having actually experienced a monogamous relationship. That said, I was never aware of the "kitchen table" kind of polyamory before watching this video and now I'm realizing that's the kind of dynamic I want in my own life. I'll have to talk to my partners about that I suppose.
I think I'd prefer to be in second place. I've never tried romance of any kind, but it seems like the kind of thing I'd only enjoy in small doses. I'd much rather try it with somebody who already has most of their emotional needs met, so that I'm not seriously hurting them if I decide I've had enough.
I personally wouldn't have the energy for more than 1 person, but I see no problem if that's what some people are into. I really don't care what people are into as it's none of my business, and I don't know why self-righteous fundamentalists give a damn about other people's lives.
my relationship with (non)monogamy is so weird. i feel confused abt it, which makes me think i’m maybe not fully monogamous. but i don’t think so, i’ve never wanted to date anyone else whilst in any relationship. but i haven’t dated in years, my romantic attraction has changed & i kinda like the idea. it also kinda scares me, i think open relationship would be more my style. the idea of me dating multiple ppl stresses me out, but of my hypothetical partner? no not rlly. it’s odd
I'm more monogamish . . .I would definitely be open to swinging wince it include involvement of you partner and an equality I like. Just not comfortable for myself with a partner dating separately from me. The time commitment is also something I just don't have. I have too many hobbies and a good group of friends. Wanting to have sexual adventure WITH your partner is NOT about attachment issues😅 I think it's pretty normal for people to want sexual experiences with their partner.
I couldn't even get one guy to care for me in any type of reciprocal way or communicate, so I can never even imagine a guy being capable of being in a monogamous or poly / alt relationship. I don't have capacity to deal with men's bs tbh so im staying celibate 😂. I'm 95% sure I'm cis het mainstream vanilla but some times I wish I wasnt- is trauma ace a thing? I find it too scary to consider any interaction with men, though I did consider investigating other platforms to see if I could find someone who would be able to apply consent/bdsm boundaries /communication to get over some of my issues. But that doesn't seem fair on someone else. I've known a good handful of people who (nominally) were supposedly in some version of ethical non monogamy- but it has always gone wrong (aka the guy lying about permission etc, being with multiple women without communication etc). I've yet to see a guy capable of a healthy relationship in this space. I can see why it seems to fit better in queer spaces
This is all super weird for me to figure out. I'm pan/bisexual and romantic, and I'm ambiamorous, but I'm also aro/ace, so like, how does that all intersect? What does it all mean? It's confusing XD
Hey so I've heard people say that the term "ethical non-monogamy" is kind of a redundant term. Because if it's not ethical or consensual it's just cheating... Wondered what you & Aaron thought of that take!
I kept on hearing ethical Polynesia… then got me thinking about Polynesian sauce, and now I want chicken nuggets. This is how my brain works most of the time 😆.
Not for me, i just couldnt deal with someone else doing that with someone i love, just would cause waaay too many issues. Maybe later in life, but i just couldnt at this place in my life.
