How the Toxic Myths of the Self Esteem Industry Seeped into Psychotherapy 

"To tell someone that they should love themselves first is like telling someone who's trapped on an island that all they have to do is get off the island, and just leaving them there." I felt that one damn. It feels like I leave myself on that island too when I tell myself cliche hippy quote without any substance or practical solutions. Of course I want to love myself I'm sure it would feel a lot better but if I could just do that then I wouldn't need therapy.

Spot on, self-esteem is the greatest gift a parent can give a child or else you spend your life trying to find this elusive pot of gold.

Thank you, Mark. I agree with everything. I would just prefer it if you would use the term self-worth instead of self-esteem. Self-esteem is based on feeling good about oneself and one's achievements in comparison with others. Let's ditch that constant competitive attitude. Self-worth is intrinsic and based on the realisation that we are as worthy as anybody else so we don;t have to do that constant comparing game, and we can make room to discover what we value in life to make it meaningful to us.

I was in the U.S. when the self-esteem movement was in full swing. Nathaniel Branden wrote a whole series of books on the topic. I was absolutely hooked beginning with his flagship, "The Psychology Of Self-esteem." I bought and read his entire range of books only to find it mattered not a whit to my self - esteem. It was, like all the pop psychology books of the time, readable, fascinating even. But then that is the problem with self-help books. They are more concerned with identifying and articulating the problem than helping you solve it.

Finally some common sense and educated information, thank you very much for the video.

I suffer from it and I have ptsd, I wasn't wanted by my mum. I was severly bullied through school and I was always a loner and never had a lot of friends.

My takeaway - empathise on reality as the basis of (re) building self esteem. Thank you!

Very good point Mark that to tell someone to love themselves without the tools to do it is useless

I learned about Health/Unhealthy self Esteem rather than just High/Low self Esteem which helped me understand why some ppl seem to have HIGH self esteem/worth when they actually have UNHEALTHY self esteem-worth being covered up or hidden by false/unhealthy self esteem,, like Narcissism.

Low self esteem= exaggerating flaws. They downplay or disregard positive attributes. People with Healthy Self Esteem look at these flaws in a healthy way and try to change it. People with low SE think they are damaged goods. Low SE side effect of negative childhood experiences. Positive affirmations only benefit people with already healthy self esteem but worsen moods with people of low self esteem. This is too superficial approach. Telling someone who is great when they hate themselves is a major clash of realities. Does that make you trust them more or less. Join and respect their reality. Health se should happen subtly. It should be gradually through proof in the real world. Needs to be done sensitively or subtly. Being to positive about someone sends the message that you don’t understand them at all. If you feel you are worthless you want someone who treats you this way because you both sing from the same tree. More subtler ways to help people value themselves subtly. People like to have their realities recognised even if it is damaging.

One thing though. The education system in the sixtees did need revision and review. Low level academic students were made to feel like losers. Problem then was the hippie influenced 70s saw loosely goosey education become the norm. Everyone is a winner mentality. Not enough structure helped no one. We need a pendulum swing back to the middle .

This guy delivers different topics real well. All his videos that I've watched are helpful.

Thank you for a clear, nuanced and interesting video.

Thank you for your wise words.

Brilliant! Just brilliant! Thank you.

I want to become a hypnotherapist here in the USA. I want a teacher I can trust. Hard to find anyone. I love your background I'm going to sign up with you after I repair my severe hurricane issues here in Florida from hurricane Ian. ❤😢😢😢😢

Thank you! I'm in my counseling internship right now and I appreciate these teaching videos!

Your videos are quite unique; truly enjoyable!

Thank you Mark, it's a joy to listen to you and learn new things.

I just discovered your channel today. Very nice!! Does not happen often anymore I can get excited about a fresh perspective that resonates so clearly with me. So cool. I am about 100 direct hours away (3200 hrs total so far) from sitting for my licensure exam as a professional clinical counselor in California.

Thank you so much for your content!

Lovely video. And so nice to see a comprehensive description of what it really takes to guide people through sustainable transformation in any capacity: empathy > acknowledgment > gradual growth of more flexible thinking and > skilled, titrated exposure to thought patterns (beliefs) that may be holding us back. Once this critical work had been done, then the introduction of more positive and specific thought patterns can be more effectively be introduced as part of a comprehensive healing approach. Thank you for your service. And of course, you know I love that you make these wonderful resources available for free or at price points more people can afford. Bravo. Jen

Thank you, very informative, helpful and refreshing x

Thanks SO much for this video. ❤

Just bought the e-book (hey, it's five bucks). Can't wait to read it. I'm not a therapist, but low self-esteem is something I've dealt with for my entire adult life (it's only recently begun to improve). What I hope to get out of this book are tools to not only help myself, but also others.

love your work Mark! very helpful for myself as someone who has always struggled with improving emotional intelligence. thank you for what you do

This makes a lot more sense than eliminating the concept of "winners and loosers", in school Team Sports.

I am at present working toward my diploma in Holistic Counselling and only have three videos to do and submit to finish. In saying that, one video is on helping a client to improve their self-esteem using Gestalt therapy. So being the person that I am, I needed to learn as much as I can. Well….. I realised that it was I who should be doing the empty chair. I just want to thank you for this wonderful video that certainly made me squirm, but also gave me hope, not only for myself but for my future clients.

This video is so insightful, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us. I struggle with low self esteem for ages now and, despite years of psychotherapy, I just can't find the tools to change that! Thank you so much again!

everyone gets a trophy! nice you pointed that out as ineffective...

Thank you for the valuable information. I recommend, in addition to that, a segment of Abraham Hicks on Self Esteem, which could be of great help for people who have this unwanted thing. This segment can be found on Jaime Pittman TV channel on RU-vid.

So glad I found this channel

Thank you Mark !

Is there a book teaching the person with low self esteem how to help themselves? Very informative video, thank you.

Thank you Mark, very inspiring and informative your presentation, very nice done! I finally I learned something important

It may help to see self-esteem like a seed or a plant in your mind (ground) that hasn't yet got the right amount of water, light or food to grow at its best form. If you unload a huge amount of food on the poor little plant, it will only burn its roots and let it not only small but sick behind.

Fantastic video, Marko. You have reversed some of the popular myths, which is something we should all do if we possess critical thinking.... Popular psychology`s advice can really be hard to face and digest because they are more nice-sounding messages than a helpful tool. Among all, every one of us is a universe per se, to be interpreted and understood.

Thanks - thought provoking video - thanks for making so straightforward and clear.

Interesting thanks

I have low self esteem and it has haunted me for years ,I am 58 yrs old and I blush when I speak with people, I really need help.

Thank you for these teachings . I has been a good learning for my Patrice

Good stuff here.

sometimes the discrepancy between real and perceived self is real, do you ever try to therapeutically adjust self esteem to a more workable expectation? For example if someone is narcissistic, greatest "painter" in world and everyone else's work is junk and actually create junk, that they trim expectations "down to size?"

Your self is steam...just remember this, and everything will be alright forever.

Always seems to me is that only those who think they have high self esteem are in turn the ones that think they are the few that can accurately measure it

Self esteem = self worth

my daughter has low self esteem, but she was not bullied, did not have trauma, was not treated as an object. She simply has a very negative outlook on everything and talks herself into feeling bad. What causes that?

I agree with everything except that low self esteem people don't feel understood by people who treat them badly. They just lack the skills to stand up for themselves and abusers choose such targets. Everyone likes being treated nicely. And no one likes being treated badly. Some people just struggle to let go of people who reject them, they try to convince them they are worthy by staying.

you put into words so many things that i have been feeling but not articulate in a clear way.

Awesome!!!!!!!!!🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Great video but Korean subtitles?

In therapy, self Esteem work did me more good than any other process BUT, I've noticed than bad self Esteem seems to creep back in so I have to constantly remember what I learned in HEALTHY self worth work & stay with it. I'm 85 now so there isn't much self worth work left for me here. I'd rather have even just a little occasional self respect than what my SICK family left me with so long ago. The good news....I have no kids to pass the family SICKNESS on to......😂

Superb talk Mark! Very thoughtful, no hyperbole, just grounded tested guidance. Would love to connect if you find this comment and you wish to follow up. You can find me on my channel or on my website or social media all under unlockyourlifetoday. Great work, Sarah

❤️❤️❤️

I am extremely upset that i bought the ebook and none of the downloaded files worked!!!!! 😡😡

Breath of fresh air.

Hi Mark, I bought your e-book but it is about raising esteem in children, not adults or teens which is a bit disappointing.

Dear Mark; I love your messages! However, your thumbs are a bit too prominent?

Truth

What is the definition of COMMON among people in daily LIFE? COMMON?

Have to disagree on this one. Bullies are poorly integrated and don't know how to manage their feelings, they get unconscious low selfesteem because of this because they can't handle being chalenged. Also the fact people in the US messed up raising people's self esteem doesn't meen the goal was bad, maybe they were just incompetent at it. For example giving children appropriate chalenges will motivate them to meet them and raise their self esteem. Coddling doesn't work, it needs to be atuned.