This brutal honesty is so necessary. You say it with firm kindness and humor. I’m trying to learn to talk to myself this way. Thanks. This is a good model for me.
The part where you talk about books...this is so much what I was thinking myself. I have shared many of my experiences with people, unknowingly some narcissists, and they are the ones who say I'm trying to be a victim when all I was doing was sharing painful things that have happened to me, trying to make sense of it, but as anyone who has dealt with a narcissist knows, you end up constantly trying to make sense out of complete nonsense. I grew up in a chaotic home environment, and I too often walked the few blocks to my local library. I would sit in the cozy children's section and read tons of books, even look through encyclopedias. Kids today would never do these things, but I craved the peaceful quietness of the library. I think technology is ruining people in a lot of ways. People were not meant to communicate mostly through screens, but that's the way it is now. I have gotten rid of most social media, and I find I'm much happier without the distraction and the phony stuff you come across. Thanks for your videos. They have helped me tremendously over the years. I once fell for a narcissist and it nearly ruined my life. My health was declining from the constant stress. People were always asking if I was ok, but I was too ashamed to admit what was going on and how I was deeply hurting. I tried to love a man who no amount of love in this world will fix, and the harder I tried, the worse he treated me. I was a victim, because I was lied to, from the first day I met this person. I will never allow this to happen to me again. Peace above everything else.
Thanks Richard. No apology necessary! I don't feel berated. I can't speak for other victims, but i'm not seeking pity or platitudes. I'm seeking tools. After working through emotional issues i am left with palpable neuro/ physiological side effects that require vigilance. That said, i learned the hard way that many listeners can't tolerate hearing tales of suffering without panicking and feeling obliged to rescue. Which i don't find helpful. I was lucky to find therapists who got that. 12 step programs as well discard pity, commend us to rigorously take inventory. The stigma of "victim" is unfortunate, a form of blame. We do better without it
These are great points about the labels. Survivor is like, well now I'm stronger! Like it's a plus? And Victim is like vulnerability is a factor. Instead of just identifying the predatory behavior.
Honestly, to find out that my childhood trauma, experiences and problems are not unique at all, was a big relief for me. It told me that I couldn't have been so wrong or worthless as a child or person to deserve all that.
I absolutely love your brutal honesty holding everybody accountable so one day they get a clue and hold themselves accountable to. Live your best life that’s the only true thing to do.
Could not agree with you more on this subject!! Your book, your videos, your 30-day challenge are all fantastic, but it’s the “realist” outlook I appreciate and relate with the most.
Love this. After 3 decades of abuse (starting as a small child) I had to take a hard look at myself and define what made me such an easy target. It didn't justify what had happened and I understand that I can't control other's behavior. But "sitting in my shit" and feeling sorry for myself wasn't helping. Being surrounded by others who fanned the "poor you" flames made my depression and sense of helplessness worse. One day I made a deliberate decision to not be a victim and to start acting like someone who wasn't one. Everything improved immediately! The leeches and a$$hokes left, my personal and professional life bloomed. Understanding that you were a victim is one thing, but letting ot define you makes you ripe for more abuse. That sucks. Don't do that.
When I was growing up, I was sure I was the only person on Earth who had problems like mine. I don't know when I grew out of that, but I'm so glad I did! 😁
I have learned, by my own experiences and years of learning about myself...being painfully honest with myself, I know that NO ONE can make me happy. Only I can make myself happy...because I choose to be. I have learned to validate myself...no one can do that for me...I take accountability for me. Am I perfect? No. Will I ever be perfect? No. I don't need or have to be perfect. I have learned to accept this about myself, and I am OK with this. I believe that I will be learning for the rest of my life. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be in life?
Genuinely appreciate your open authentic approach. This resonates deeply, I was a depressed perfectionist. Now I'm a healing procrastinator who loves my own company and see most of society as the dumbstruck and blinded co dependant I was. I don't want to engage or make loads of money with platitudes, I want to make a difference while still self addressing and kicking out corrupted surviving ways that now hindered but once had saved me or kept me from giving up. Ty Richard 🕉️
Im picking up what your laying down. The truth is i was a willing participant in my own abuse. I have to own that. I have to be grateful for waking up even if it did happen late in life.
Maybe Richard, you have said this before but that is so true. The inner critic, placed there by the narcissist, is holding you to an unattainable standard that they don’t hold themselves to but, they expect you to. It is put on auto-pilot then as ego injunctions, you then punish yourself. Bravo!
The first step in my healing was to acknowledge that acknowledging, that I had been a victim was in no way my fault! Only then I could recognize and cultivate my love for myself in self-understanding. In the meantime I am a survivor, have left the past behind me for the most part and am walking the undoubtedly exciting and sometimes frightening path to my new self-individualization, my own path to healing. I'm almost grateful to the narcissist now. Without him I would not have been thrown so mercilessly into my own depths. My own skills got me this far, as well as supporting German RU-vid channels, American, as well as British ones like yours. Thank you so much. 🙏 From Germany, Undine 🧜♀️
Fantastic rant Richie. I love it when you go yang like this. Refreshing, sobering and clear as a bell. Just what I needed to hear. Great recent interview on Triggernometry by the way.
I love the refreshing take on all this humanhood we are all trying to be part of. Being able to say I don't know. I am not perfect. But I am working on myself. I was a victim and have found myself continuing to be victimized. But I got out, am still getting out, lots of details I wish I didn't have to deal with. But what you have just said has empowered me not to let myself be the victim anymore but to move forward. Even if things don't work out as well as I would like, I will survive. Actually I have half my life savings, my ability to live in comfort being threatened. This fuck I allowed into my life is still trying to destroy me. I am having a hard time thinking of the possiblity of him taking half of my hard work and life savings and spending one penny of it. It would sicken me to death I think if I were forced to let him take half of my total worth. It is very hard not to get emotional about this issue. And it is materialistic. But I am retired and had a plan to make my finances work for me. It never included giving half of it away. I am in Mexico dealing with this which makes this issue tenfold beause it is so corrupt here. And I don't have the money to be corrrupting anything now. Do you have any advice besides the typical, just give up on it and let it be. I really don't want to give my daughter's inheritence to this prick. This man beat me up, humiliated me publicly, gavve me STDs and has changed my ability to find peace and joy as easily as i used to. I do not want to give him my money. If I had 10,000 right now I could get out of the situation and even be able to pay the 10k back i am working the stock market but I am not that good. I have an airbnb which helps. I am unable to sell my home unless I want to give him half of the proceeeds. So my best bet is to put another airbnb rental at my property which will enable me to have the money to get by until I can sell my home without giving him a penny. I owe money, which is significant and I was hoping to pay it all back with the sale of my home which was supposed to happen in less than a month. the light was at the end of he tunnel. Then this fuck interfered and has made the buyers back out. I have a protection order on him but he is sill able to abuse me, with this financial abuse. Its really a control abuse. H thinks I will give in and pay him if he continues to fuck with me. It has been difficult with his ability to make people believe he is a sweet, kind and humble man. I beleive the peoole that gave me the protection order have been fooled by his charm. So what I thought was going really well when the judge chose to charge him with domestic violence bcaause of the police reports alone, may have taken another turn.-=. i though he was going to see his just deserts. But I am now dealing with peopole trying to impede my ability to submit the evidence of his abuse I have in video, audio text, etc. I am having to defend my every move and make sure it is obvious that I am not running a brothel under the guise of Airbnb, as he is telling everyone I am doing while also being a heroin junkie. he violated the protection order by contacting my real estate agent and interfered with the sale which has had a huge negarive impact on my life and is a violation of the protection order.. He should have been arrested due to this violation but I am not sure that it has even been reported. It is a comlicated situation but bottom line, I am trying to save 200,000 usd, I need to be able to purhase another home and have it have one or two airbnbs so I can have an inome. So is my selfishness my downfall? If I were truly an adult would I just give him half of my financial worth? I am certain he would use some of the money to have me taken out by the folks that run Mexico. So I would be payiong for my own murder.He has been off the crystal meth for longer than he has ever been off i since he was 18 years old. He also became a born again christian and has taken that role on easily.. He did not believe in Jesus but finds it very helpful having the christians to hide behind. All his sins are erased and even new ones dont' count anymore. They are the only group who have lashed out at me, whidh is somewhat funny. He has claimed that I was abusive towards him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He adamantly stands for never hitting me once. But he knows there were witnesses. Twice he left me for dead with a serious concussion. And the icing on the cake, not that any icing was neeed, was when I discovered that his infatuation with pornography was not limited to bouncing large breasrts. I discovered that he has a fondnes for girls who havve not had their breasts come in yet. And all of them are not drugged up thinking they are having a good time. They are acually fighing with tears and pain. I did not watch the videos but the photo used to lure the interested depraved into watching revealed everything. The fact that he searched for these videos with :"XXX chicas y jovencitas" cannot be explained aways as a mistake. Im not a prude against pornography. Its not my cup of tea. Btu I am highly opposed to young women being abducted or sold by their families into the sex trade. Any advice? I suppose it comes down to money being my problem. He made sure i didn't have a cash flow so all my money is in the house. Maybe i should try to get someone todo a GoFundMe. With all these vicims of narcissists i bet there would be lots of help. But if i can remove the need to sell my home and be able to pay my bills and visit my dauhgter in the states I can hold out a little longer. There is the potential of him doing up to 8 years in prison for domestic violence if he doens't alreay have his flying monkeys working for him within the system. I am going again tomorrow to try to submit my evidence. This will be the 4th time. If nothing else maybe some young woman will be spared the torture of this animal. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Any advice will be considered. And any money would guarantee you a stay in a lovely home near the beach. I am done with this narcissist. he is not done with me. I am reaching out wherever I can And I really love your content. More brutal honesty is needed and would help make some positive changes in this world of ours..
This talk came at the right time. I've been feeling like I'm not moving in becoming more of an adult that can look after himself. I look after other's but me being there for myself is hard. Holding myself accountable and fix my problems. I'm glad to hear you have left some people in your life that may not have wanted you to heal. One day I hope to not watch you for this content but thankyou for it, it has helped.
This has helped me think about what is keeping me isolated. My mother and family had me trained to continue to think Im useless and too stubborn to live my own life.
Yes, he depleted me so much that I hanged myself......of course I didn't get out....because I didn't know what I was in....he wasn't finished with me, so he cut me down. Yes I am still here and 28 year's later I got out.......such a huge price to pay and still paying through trauma. You've given me a lot to think about think about. Moral resolution required.❤
I know you really want us healed so we’ll stop watching you for the rest of our lives…but, Lord have mercy! I just can’t look away because you are too entertaining and whatever you have to say DOES give me a boost. A much needed one. Especially when I’m feeling anxious about certain tasks I need to perform. On occasion, that old social anxiety flares up that I was constantly grappling with back in the day. I have a teaching job and can’t let that get the better of me. Thanks for keeping the vids running! Seems they pop up in my feed JUST when I need it. God bless you.
(Too be even more specific, it’s the CONFIDENCE boost I get from you when it comes to public speaking. Watching you helps me feel more bold and brave!)
If it helps, I am also of the pre-internet generation and have spent more time trying to understand my own mental dispositions and others. Learning mostly through observation, self reflection, journaling, book store self help sections, meditation retreats and life in general. What your channel supplies me with is shared insight, more information, validation and encouragement to continue on with my healing journey. I have listened to many channels on the road to mental fitness and I glean(ed) them for all I can. But I do not consume blindly or voraciously. Every content creator has their own style and world view. Sometimes creators seem to get repetitive and then present some new fresh angle. I don’t agree with everything being said but so much of what is offered up is very relatable. Thank you for all you do. I used to go to the library too. ✨
17:15 at this point I’m loving this talk. After having panic disorder to some extent on the spectrum for over 20 yrs; I’ve finally just gotten to a place where I can say “I want to do these things, like travel, but I just can’t, not right now at least” and that’s my truth and whoever can’t accept it or accept me or wants to judge me can fuck off. I’m tired of fighting myself telling myself that I need to be perfect and “BE NORMAL” like everyone else and I’m all or nothing broken if I can’t do the things others take for granted. I hate telling anyone about it, as it’s humiliating; but sometimes I have to be honest with others. Truth is, it SUCKS. Bc most ppl are just assholes about it. I hate when ppl use mental health for attention. Those of us who really suffer and has put in the work would love nothing more than to never have to talk about it again.
I was in an abusive relationship for thirty years with my narc husband. I suffered immeasurable trauma including the suicide of my beautiful son. I am free of my husband now and I am like a different person. I am Leading a calm spiritual life cutting out toxic people forever. I am not a victim I am a survivor 🙏
I have been thinking about this recently. I have told my therapist and friends not to enable me. I had to give myself TOUGH LOVE. Was literally made to sit in the corner and drum that victim shit out of myself. I feel that victimhood can be one of the borderlines biggest obstacles to overcome.
I had to explain this to my own therapist over a decade ago and she was so relieved (she was moving away and feeling some type of way about "abandoning" all her patients).
That was, and still is, the hardest part about speaking out about my experiences dealing with a narcissist. I don't want to sound like a victim, yet the experiences are so horrible, sometimes I wonder if those listening to me (so far it's only been my best friend, and her husband who used to be his best friend) think I probably made them all up just to gain their sympathy. Luckily, they know my husband personally and did have some problems with him in the past. Other than them, I haven't dared telling anyone. He is such a drama queen and makes himself sound like a poor victim all the time, I just don't want to sound like him. Thank you for your videos, Richard. Thinking about getting your courses, but I'll wait until he's out of my life first. Very soon, hopefully!🤞
Many times I feel my composure slips, And isolating does make it worse.I agree with what Richard says, one reason why I do not watch T.V., but viewing cell phones on a regular basis,maybe even worse, considering who the owners are, they brainwash you, which is why Some politics are damaging, like a narcissist does..we must grab the bull by the horns, and strengthen our core, our mind, our body. Otherwise we become immobile like a couch potato.
You are a remarkable man. I feel when the pain becomes bad enough, when you feel rock bottom, then there is only one way to go and that is up. I'd like to endorse the need to read... I've noticed those who don't have no room in their buckets, they are full to the top.. with no room for any curiosity. Thank you.
I appreciate your comment. At the bottom, the real bottom, there is only way but one, or you can choose to remain there in the trenches of suffering. Curiosity likely is what inspires me most each day. Thanks for sharing your love of it as well.
My friend and I love you. Your video a good kick. My friend is 68 years old. And you helped him and me.. he likes you because you pull no punches. Thank you 😊 and God 🙏 bless you.
After it all ended I did calisthenics every morning until I met USMC PT standards for my age. I barely ate anything. Granted it was an average score, but I swear I felt my marine ancestors running along side me. I transmuted the pain. Thousands of pushups, hundreds of miles, thousands of burpees. Somehow it was the only way for me. I was on auto pilot, no doubt, but it worked. Find what works to transmute the pain. Now I train Danzan Ryu Jiujitsu 3 times a week and found a family of brothers to lean on who went through the same things I did. Pain is a great teacher. Keep going, you will heal.
Ha! I was introduced to DBT along with biofeedback therapy about 6 years ago as part of pain management plan and for PTSD due to a physical injury. Of course, I'm a messy human in many other ways, too, I put in a fair amount of work, and I'm doing...better. I met someone that stressed me out, and for a few days I forgot EVERYTHING that I had learned. I came back to my senses and realized I needed a bit of a refresher and to keep practicing. It's a skill that needs practice and awareness. I went from sounding like you in this video to "I'm a victim, too!" so fast. Then I just went wtf was that?!?!? I need to work on this! Thanks for the videos!
RU-vid 'just happened' to send me an RG video on the morning I backed out of buying my first house in another state with my long term bf who is textbook toxic, narcissistic abuse. I broke up w him for good and blocked him. Loving the silence but I also have been listening to a shit ton of RG content. So impressed with his take on the dynamic. I do feel like I've abandoned my child. Never heard anyone put it that way before. Love it love it can't get enough of it ❤ It's really helping me move on. And I dig his jokes too 😂
I read Jane Austen’s pride and prejudice the other day and was surprised on the insights they had 200 years ago. It was the opposite of a narcissist and made me think a lot and gave insights. Will now read more of the classic literature…😊
Thank you Richard and agree 100 percent with reading. But my problem is my ptsd demands noise. If it is silent I become anxious and it is impossible to discipline myself to silence. All I have learned has been fried and not have knowledge or steps like a child needs this. Someone said it's like riding a bicycle again, and don't gave a bike. I don't have stuff and not know where to put my thought. Thank you. Josie ❤
This makes complete sense. This thing happened,it happened to you, it's part of you and part of what makes you who you are,part of your history...to NOT speak about is DENYING you. Speaking about it only makes you a victim, it's how you view yourself. I survived....no longer a victim.
My escape was always speed. I used to do fast and faster laps of the neighbourhood on my bicycle until my legs gave out. Now this is true with motorcycles.
😂🤣 i really really like your style. And you have helped me heaps over the past year. Thankyou. I love the way you say God's name in this video.. beautiful. ❤
Thanks Richard I’ve wrestled with how to tell a little of my story in order to remain true to myself without sounding like I’m looking for pity or treated with kid gloves
I love your videos, you are honest and you don't sugarcoat anything. That is what I and most people need to hear, the brutal truth and forced to look at ourselves in an honest way. I once read a quote along the lines of: "If everyone in the world took all their problems, feelings etc. and threw it in one big pile. You would look at other people's problems and grab your own back so quickly." As you said, nobody is special, we all have problems and the difference is what you do about your problems. Think this makes sense? Much love from South Africa💜🇿🇦(Btw, I love that you quote Lord of the Rings! Fantasy was and still is, as a 45 year old mom, my safe place. Terry Pratchett is my hero!)
This is exactly why I love your work. Raw honesty - radical acceptance. Radical ownership of self and no one else. I’m doing the work but fucking hell…. It’s hard being human. Thanks Richard!
Interesting question as all my life at 60 now iv struggled to explain or tell my friends about my history of trauma without sounding like I just feel sorry for myself and poor me type thing ,where I'm just trying to explain the facts and how it has impacted my life overall
Psychiatrists are so in the dark about how to taper people off of benzos (prescribed). It’s like a 3 year process and should be done so gradually and so gently so your gaba receptors can heal. Very much a difficult process more than even heroin.
I agree with not feeling that your pain is special, but you can't say everybody had a bad childhood in the same degree. Some people had a much bigger trauma than others, so it's more difficult for them to improve. That doesn't mean they will not give their best without taking responsibility of their lives. And calling people weak is innacurate and makes things worse. It only makes people feel more worthless. Just because some people had a less traumatized childhood, it doesn't make them stronger just because they don't complain as much. Many people are depressed and suicidal but keep fighting. That's real strength! What's important is to always work with your self and don't give up.
I used to feel the same way as you do. Now I feel that it doesn’t matter what other people have or have not experienced. I am focussed on my healing and my future.
The research on trauma backs your position. It’s really not what happened that dictates how traumatised a person is, but how their individual CNS responds.
We are main-lining comfort 😮🤯 I’ve never heard it explained like that …. I’m a little stunned. Thx once again, Sir Richard, for the lance to the heart!❤
THANKYOU, Richard, I just realised when I talk about my mental health stuff to my sister I'm giving her amunition to use against me, because she can be a nasty cow, and she doesn't give a damn! Don't give anyone this information unless you trust them implicitly, I've been a dumbo, its no wonder she is always putting me down! i agree with yr views on stoicism!
Yep! I know this dynamic so well! My sister is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. It just doesn’t work for her if I am healthy and happy and successful. She can’t help but tear me down. She was the last of my family that I went ‘no contact’ with and it was definitely the right decision.
I am 58 - so I grew up without RU-vid.. for me, RU-vid has been like the ‘age of enlightenment.’ I frickin love that I have all of this information/help/therapy at my fingertips & I can listen while doing chores; taking walks;etc..Having said that, I recently realized that -even when I am alone - I am too ‘polite’ to people. 🤣.. in other words, I have let garbage in and I have just tolerated it. So, this week has been a stressful week for various reasons.. and I found myself yelling at some people on RU-vid - yelling at them & telling them that they are full of s&*# !! I also yelled at some marketing people (Satan’s little helpers). I try to not be judgmental - but I am realizing that it is ok to think to yourself ‘this person is so full of s&$@.’ I even found myself doing the ‘angry mocking voice’ thing at some of them. Maybe I’ve just gone batty - but it really felt good. 😆.. I also loved this Richard video - made me lol a lot. :-) 😊
I know for me acknowledging that the victimhood narrative exists from a very hurt place that is valid and real and deserves to be seen AND not letting it overtake me. Being able to observe this part with logic and emotion and to me that’s the dialectics. Also forgiving myself for the times it has taken over (and being accountable for any damage I caused) because to be honest - unless you have BPD etc we hardly get the credit we deserve in the work we put in for recovery and part of my recovery has been learning from the moments the victim narrative took over instead of listening to the shame the internet spews about us without actually bringing anyone recovered from BPD on to speak on their experience - we just have an internet speaking for us and some of those things spoken are valid too. All can exist. The victimhood is manipulative because it comes from a place that’s trying to survive and until I honestly validated the REAL and incredible amount of pain it was in - from wise mind- I wasn’t able to step outside of it. I always appreciate this channel and look forward to incorporating more information into my own recovery.
Absolutely I was with my worker today I’m in treatment for alcohol addiction and codependency issues with a ex narc I said I’d been in victim mentality and was choosing to blame others for this , I’ve come to realisation after working on myself I have come addicted to that state ov mind , it’s me who’s in control ov my thoughts and my decisions , it’s all down to me that tolerates my decisions , I will not be a victim no more
Agree, we live in a feel good society, expecting instant results. Sometimes there is discomfort, stop running and heal the pain. It takes time, work and there will be discomfort as we heal.
Deeeeeelightful! Made me think and feel and smile, all lovely things in the middle of an anxious, triggered night 🩵🤍🩵 Much gratitude for your brand of sanity🎉
Being brutally honest with myself taught me that I took over some nasty traits from my narc parents. For example, I love bomb people, and I feel like THE most pathetic and special victim ever. So now I am following the old "Do unto others as you would" and all that.
I also went to the library to escape, lol being Asian girl it was the only place I was allowed to go to. I've been thinking about this lately, and listened to the Triggernometry interview. So much rings true! Thank you Richard.
An annual psilocybin trip is necessary for me - ego death, self love and a big emotional boost all in one, brings me right back to myself and points out everything I need to work on.
This is a very significant contribution for me: falling into the trap of 'victim mentality' will get you 'stuck' during recovery and, doesn't explain the part you played. Just being the victim is totally unproductive and hinders 'progress' to explain what's 'in-play' in totality. The 'shark' may bite you, but you were in the water sporting with your spear in the first place!!!! Ok, so we are all in awe of Sam's dual-mothership model to further or aid our understanding of the Narcissistic abuse process and dynamics, but here Richard provides practical help for those of us recovering from Narcissistic abuse (myself included). We have to be honest before we can tackle the problem at hand with ownership and agency. Simply outsourcing our problems, problems we must learn from and take responsibility for, is plainly daft, lazy, and ... need I go on ... Just ask yourself what part you were playing. This is 'tough love' advice for those of us who genuinely want to make progress in recovery, while we must accept in the balance things and 'bad shit' that ocurres involves our own contribution and can NEVER be put entirely right - it just can't!!!!! This doesn't mean we can't move away from suffering towards 'pain tolerance' as part of the journey towards even less pain. Time and ongoing effort is all ... Sometimes the worst things that happen are the best things that happen. Bad things happen; continue learning and progressing , and, avoid getting 'stuck'. Take greater responsibility for what happened.
Fantastic video ! Somethings to ponder and think about, much to mull, deep sections and lighthearted moments to break it up- my favourite video yet because of the directness and honesty, that when I like you best Richard. Also some fab one liners to remember, will watch this twice . Love the ‘no swearing’ 😅
You always make me laugh! 😂I’m home alone being constructive with my time & listening to you talking in the background to sooth the chatter of the mind/emotions of my past with a narcissist so to move on.✌🏻You always deliver such great information, insight & truth with the rawness I like, F.bombs & all!!! Your personality & honesty always lifts the mood for me & I know for others too! I’ve never been of a victim mindset, it’s embarrassing to have even been in such a situation. 🙏🏼Thank you for some well needed laughter here & there with all this great information you share as I allow myself to heal. You ought to do a side gig, 🎤stand up comedy on this! Lol..😉🤣 I enjoy your audiobook as well.
