I'm 55 and through the years found that being manly, believe it or not, is never showing anger. When my wife or kids were angry, and ranting at me, I took the punches and showed compassion and interest in their grievances. Over time they saw me as the rock of the family. Unwavering, steadfast and yes a punching bag for their emotions when they need it. Being angry means you are being emotional. THAT emotion should reserved for physically defending loved ones or yourself, never ever against your family. Showing anger means you have lost control because anger is a secondary emotion to fear and frustration. Don't lose control. Be the dependable rock. Be a man.
Actually, I can be angry without losing control. There's a time for all emotions. You seem to have an issue about losing control so your restraint isn't genuine anyway. Some people get a rush from feeling like the bigger (more noble) person. They are among the smallest people.
proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: think and act like what you want to be even if you arent there yet, youll eventually become what you practice
+Sam West You are also an illiterate troll, who preys on clueless people by making inflammatory racist statements on RU-vid, which you hope will provoke angry response.
+Art of Manliness "Fake it till you make it." Careful here... A man is someone who has the courage to be who they truly are, not having to fake anything. To be a man, you have to accept yourself. That takes plenty of action, but it takes thinking too. If you act without thinking, you are a follower and not a leader. A man leads.
+jakatak1134 it is just the preliminary steps in order to achieve a greater sense of self, a childish mind in an older body does not fit well for some, after becoming, or molding, now "we" take action. As in mentally building a life not sorrounded by the thoughts of finding self, but rather, doing what needs to be done. IMO
I've watched a few of your videos, and I wanted to ask you, if you haven't already done so, would you please make a video about how to become physically tough? It seems that as a society, men are losing the physical toughness of our fathers and grandfathers. For exampke, I heard a story from a woman that her dad - back during the Great Depression - worked in construction. One day while on the job, he got his pinky chopped off, but he knew that if he went to the emergency room, he would be replaced by another Joe who was desperate for work, and his family would go hungry. So he instead, just shook his severed finger out of his glove, and continued working. Now obviously the best thing to do is to go to the hospital when you've suffered an injury like that. But the point is, is that because his family depended on him keeping that job, he fought through the pain and kept at it. So I would like to see a video that talks about how to become tough - both physically - and mentally - as mental toughness is a key component to being physically tough.
Summary 1. What sort of man you want to be -What actions you need to take -Where did you hope that lead you -Act like your idol if you want(Study them) 2. Start doing the thing that sort of man would do even if you don't feel like it -Think about what sort of your ideal man would do and start doing them -Ignore negative feelings like lazy and etc -With time, your new manful actions will transform you the way you feel about yourself 3. Becoming a man is alot more like shaving -Just because you do it once doesn't mean you're done Motto:Virile Agitur
Being "fake" is a silly word invented by teenage girls to ridicule each other. Talking nice and confidently to people you don't like or make you uncomfortable, or doing things you wouldn't normally do to better yourself doesn't make you "fake." It means your acting like an adult.
Know this is 6 years late. In a way, I respectfully disagree with "fake" is acting like an adult. Working in customer service, people try to be "nice and polite" through their words. But their voice tone/inflection shows its just an act. They are so annoyed/frustrated. Its more uncomfortable with that incongruity between their words and tone. Because of that it, "fake" is an appropriate term. I'd rather people be congruent with their words and voice. I'd be less "on edge". At the very least people could improve their "fake" gracious attitude so it seems genuine.
Then all you need to do is act like you can swing from building to building with webs that come out of your wrists and eventually you'll feel like you can actually do that.
I've written down my own definition of a ''man''. Maybe someones inspired by it: A man is someone who does not watch pornography. Instead, he regularily makes love to his girlfriend/wife. A man is someone who holds strong opinions just about any matter there is. He stands up for himself and for others, showing courage by doing so. He has strong boundaries for himself, but also does not violate boundaries of other people. He respects his time and does the things he sets himself up to, and also respects the time of other people and as such he is punctual in appointments. A man is someone who is not afraid to recognize and accept his own shortcomings and anxieties. Instead of succumbing to them, he will, if possible, confront them and improve them, even when anxious to do so; he has no problem becoming vulnerable. A man is someone who is completely honest to himself and others. He follows his own desires, he is honest with his own performance and is not afraid to speak out the truth and his opinion, even if it means offending people and being critized or not liked for it. He has his own standpoint and interest, but also tries to reach a diplomatic solution with other parties, to the best interest of all. A man is someone who, does not only represent mental and spiritual strength, but also physical strength. He is physically fit, has good strength and endurance, and respects his body by eating healthy food and minimizing indulgence in drugs/etc. He lifts heavy, thus could easily sweep a woman of her feet, and do all the chores and exercises of daily life without problems. A man assumes good, confident posture. He grooms himself everyday to the best extent and dresses well; he does not spend too much time infront of his computer and rather goes out, doing stuff, being socially active and building something in his life. He is mindful in present life and does not waste time fantasizing about the future without taking any action
I'm surprised how easy and constructive this sounds although the topic is rather abstract. Such feeling indicates that author is indeed having a good teacher skills and understands the topic thoroughly. Thank Brett for that!
Hey Brett! I have an idea that I think many men would enjoy ! I know I would , you should do a video about the books that you read . Like give us some example and show us books that teach us and show studies and such . Just an idea . Otherwise keep up the good work ! Stay manly!
+Art of Manliness Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein; reads as a military autobio, speaks ad nauseum to the tactical virtues and the synthesis of manly enterprise in one's self.
I've been having rabbis explain the term "na'aseh venishmah" to me for 14 years, and this was by far the most connected I've ever felt to that phrase. Great video!
Awesome video, thank you for that. I'm in my late 20s and always struggled with certain aspects of my life because of situations like this. Not just with "not feeling like a man", but with other things. Using weak excuses like lacking motivation or inspiration to do things. Or constantly feeling like I can't do something simply because I sucked at it at the start. It was last year that things started to turn around for me. I was tired of being fat and tired of saying "I need to lose weight..." so I started eating right and exercising (down 55 pounds as of last saturday). I had a hard time socializing from a lack of confidence and a general disdain of it, so I put myself in more situations where I'd have to just deal and I've gotten better at that. I struggled so long with trying to be an artist, ignoring the common sense advice in my face that I needed to draw more to be better at it. Etc. This really wraps it all up and helps me understand the method a lot more, and I hope this can help several people out there who struggle with not knowing who they want to be or what they want to do. Thank you for this!
Act to become definitely works but one thing you missed out is the belief system part. If we just act but we still don't believe in our ability then we're setting ourselves for failure. Right? Negative beliefs would drag me down even if I act. Maybe some positive affirmations would help.
These videos are so awesome ! Growing up without a fatherly figure really put some holes into my understanding how to do what or how to act, these videos really fill up a lot of those holes :)
I just wanted to write the same comment, but now I noticed you posted exactly what was on my mind:) Never fake anything, this just has to come naturally. There is no way to cheat this, nor a shortcut. No video, no book can teach you how to become a man. Just your own experience. I absolutely do not agree with what he says at 6:35
Too bad real men can spot phonies a mile away, no matter how long you've been "faking it". You will never make it if you don't know the definition of *hard work, honesty* and *conviction* as taught by the trials and tribulations of enduring a life of meaning.
Good advice, but I think looking to a role model as a guide on how to act should be clarified a bit. As Bruce Lee once said, there seems to be a modern trend of trying to find a successful personality and then attempting to duplicate it, which is a bad idea. I think there's an important difference between this and analysing the traits and principles of a role model, and exploring them in such a way that you still remain true to yourself.
Travalon, I think all literature and advice on self improvement always take some kind of role model and try to copy his behaviour into the readers mind. It could be anything. financial, sexual, social, professional ... success. All they say is "look, I was unsucessful in area X and I will tell you Y secrets how to transform yourself into what I've become".
I'm a girl-woman (yeah, struggling with the same thing) and at the moment this is my favorite channel. A lot of the content is applicable to more than just men or named situations. I love the mix of practical advice and theoretical/historical background, just like I love the mix of classiness and goofy humor. And the stache of course.
What’s with the people calling her out for watching this channel? This channel is giving lots of valuable lessons, why the hell should she be excluded from that just because she’s a woman? Sterling, I don’t think you get what this channel is trying to teach.
My God man what a great video! One of the best articulations of how to become a "man"! My son is 6 years old and this video will now be part of his "training". Thank you for a great vid! This should be required viewing for all children (yes even the girls so they may understand why a boy acts as he does in his journey to manhood). My compliments sir, and as we said in the Navy, BRAVO ZULU for a job well done!
To make a long story short, confidence comes as a result of experience. In order to gain experience, one must dive into the water, sort of speak, and start swimming.
Brett, thanks for doing this for all men on earth. My parents divorced three years ago, when I was 20 years old, and I lost my idea of what it is to be a man. My Dad was always the pinnacle of manliness for me, and when I found out that my Dad had been cheating on my Mum for the previous 10 years, I was devastated. However, the Art of Manliness website and forums were there for me, and along with my Grandpa, Uncles and cousins, I feel I am finally on my journey to becoming a man. Seriously, you saved my life, my sanity, and my sense of identity, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Atraxus
Hahaha, I read about cognitive dissonance and a all of things you mentioned in the video a while ago,but never was provided (or had) the perspective you presented. Like how "acting to become" might work because of cognitive dissonance. Usually, CD is used on negative contexts, like "CD is one of the main reasons people aren't usually open to changing opinions". Using Cognitive Dissonance to advance/ease/promote/trigget change oneself is exactly the sort of internal wisdom (and "psychological ingenuity") I wanted to discover and achieve when I started reading a multitude of topics like psychology, philosophy, personal development, etc. I'm glad I got to read your website and watch your videos. Thanks!
We need more of this. A simple approach to complex subjects by a man who feels great in his skin. You are doing a great job here, and don't you ever quit this!
Facts suffered from overthinking and anxiety but now realizing what really makes a man is action u are what u do not what u think u will do are what u feel like doing💯💯
Not at all! A lot of this material is not specific to being a man, but to simply being the best version of yourself by taking responsibility for your life. Indeed, some of the most valuable content is not applicable to men only, but rather to any person. It would be a shame if a woman saw these videos and thought they couldn't follow the advice within. I admit that I am ignorant about any sites similar to AoM for women, but perhaps there is demand for a sister site to AoM.
Telling people to learn about philosophy, Aristotle and virtue in general is helpful to both men and women. The best example is Hypatia of Alexandria. But don't go to far to read about the crazy feminists of the XX century. They went to far and rejected the intrinsic human nature that biology defines. In short, think rationally but accept your feelings also. Having said that, it's not weird at all, in fact it's good! Have a good one
@@reservoirfrogs2177 Yeah. There are channels that do that, but they're Christian or otherwise religious. They can get an audience from their religious group, but outsiders usually criticize them. Other women-focused advice channels seem to focus on fashion, health and practical things like that but not morals. Like you said, that's unacceptable nowadays. Well there's plenty of neutral (uni-sex) life advice channels and I prefer it that way. After all we have more in common than not, especially when it comes to values and good lifestyle choices. For gynecology I can watch MamaDoctorJones xD
I like most in your video, just one point of criticism: I don't think you should pick your heroes and then act like them. First, choose who you wanna be like (what people do you admire)? then ask yourself why you like/admire them, then try to copy only the things you admire about them. For instance: I like Bill Cosby, I like him because he is funny and kind, therefore I should be funny and kind even when I don't really want to. If you don't do what I just said, you might feel the obligation to dress like him, even though you do not like his cloths, or even feel like drugging women isn't such a big deal and kind of acceptable because your hero did it too.
I ACTUALLY THINK THIS VIDEO JUST CHANGED MY LIFE! I AM GOING OUT THERE TO BREATHE IN THE LIFE I'VE GOT AND EVERYTHING FROM IT! BRETT YOU ARE THE MAN, MAN! THANKS!
my father would give me manly advice, but there would be somethings he couldn't really explain to me. You guys over at AoM helped me elaborate on somethings as well as advice i haven't heard from my father. I've been reading your articles and even joined a group on there, and i just want to say thanks. Stay Manly.
Very good. I initially thought this channel was a post modern ironic subversion of the notion of 'masculinity'. But this guy knows his Aristotle and I like him. He can be playful with portrayals of manliness, yet still sincere. This is good advice. Could have thrown a bit of Sartre as well for good measure - 'to be is to act' - as the existentialists believed.
Hey Brett, thanks for this video. Recently,I have been struggling with my self-image, feeling inadequate of the stage of life that I thought I should be entering. Your videos have been teaching me a lot of things lately, from how to iron my shirts or shine my shoes to critical thoughts like this one. Thanks for all the help!
Great video! I am now 23 years and I might be a little late but I'm finally reaching a turning point. I'm starting to become more aware of my actions as a young man, I feel so much better about myself and much more confident.
This is super good advice. I'll add this, your first point about deciding what type of man you want to be. That's quite difficult I think so maybe make a list of the characteristics you want to have and work towards them using your second tip Hopefully over time you will figure out what type of man you wish to be and you will be half way there at that time
When I feel bad I remember the good things I have done. All of them were times when I acted and others might have not. For some reason just doing it made things go my way.
I'm a 13 year old with the maturity of an adult. I'm learning how to tie ties. Will learning how to do gentlemanly things help me believe that I am a man?
I’m a 22 years old school teacher and I still feel like a boy, people treat me like a boy and I absolutely HATE that. At first I thought that the reason was because I couldn’t grow a beard and etc, but actually was because I was acting like a boy. Man, this channel is changing my life
I like subscribing to different channels to learn different perspectives from people. This channel at least gives guys encouragement going forward with their lives unlike the MGTOW channel which frightens me a little bit at times. haha.
"If I was to say what is the major emotion of American masculinity, it is anxiety. Why? Because you have to prove your masculinity all the time." ~Michael Kimmel
Thanks for the video, Brett! I am in complete agreement. For a month or so I've been trying to demonstrate more confidence in my daily life, as I figure--like many men, I'm sure--that I could benefit from it, and lately I've noticed that my responses, suggestions, and interjections have become more confident without my consciously trying. "Fake it till you make it" definitely has truth to it. This video meshes well with your video on habit formation, I must say.
That moustache just keeps getting more and more glorious! And great video - I definitely agree with it. If you want to better yourself you have to do it through action, not thoughts.
YES! Thank you for everything you do. I love your videos and I feel that in this day each one is needed. The world needs MEN and WOMEN and not kids in grown bodies.
Thank you. You sent me back to Nicomachean Ethics (been a LONG time) and I think I'll be bringing that quote (and crediting you) to Lodge tomorrow as a conversation starter =)
Thank you. I've been following your site and videos for about two years now and I just wanna say that the ArtOfManliness has positively impacted my life.
If you generalise the concept of "man", you'll understand that: you must take responsibility for your every action and ponder if it's the best; to be true to yourself and as much as you can with other, because lies rarely stay secret and lastly, but not the least, you must dress everyday like you'll meet the love of your life (or to say a hot chick), dressing well will send the message to the world that you know what you're doing. I think that everyone has a unique personality and it's not mandatory to be like someone else.
Hmm if you act outwardly with without the inner transformation, won't people think that you're a hippocrite without an authentic, sincere motive. How can you give (act, in this case), what you don't have?
IceInMaWeiner Fake it till you make it, is a bridge too far without integrity. The workplace is full of 'fakers' empty vessels make most noise. I would say it is more about taking action (not faking) to bring about the internal changes of perception, instigating congnitive dissonance, because at some point your brain then accepts the new commands. However, it is not a green light for being an asshole, or doing things at the cost of other people. Integrity helps to temper this.
I don't see it as hypocritical since you are behaving in a way you believe in. You've already thought it out and decided that this is the way you'd like to be so it is authentic. What's missing is the courage to close the gap. Hypocrisy is "behaving in a way that suggests one has higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case." Your standards and beliefs are authentic. It's just the courage which needs to be brought in line.
I am trying to change a lot of aspects in my life through methods, it's a kind of experiment applied to myself, I call it "Op. Lycurgus" (hehe), right now I am using some tools from PNL and behavioral psychology. But seriosly, that attempt to grow on my way would be fruitless without the help and information of your exceptional blog and videos. I must thank you for reasearch and share all these information with us. Good life to you, good sir, regards from Colombia.
Interesting. I wonder if this is the fundamental difference between Christianity and Judaism. In Christianity, you are supposed to first have an inner change of heart due to the presence of the Spirit which then leads you to grow in virtue over time. Repent (change your heart/mind) and sin no more. Whereas it sounds like Judaism is saying, practice the virtues first and eventually your heart will change. Provocative question: do you believe Christianity has steered our culture in the wrong direction these past 2000 years?
Reluctant Dragon - Great question! In actuality the problem is not Christianity, but the way that Christianity is often taught in America. This is something I learned about 15 years ago, and as a pastor, it has changed how I preach and help people understand the Bible. Our educational system is built more off of the Greek philosophy of learning vs the Hebrew philosophy of learning. In the Hebrew philosophy you could not say that you have truly learned something until you consistently lived it, Greek leaned more heavily, as stated in the video, on the ability to recite, memorize, and/or regurgitate. However, when we understand that the entirety of Scripture has a Jewish context we begin to look at the words used, even in the New Testament, differently. That's why Christ's command in John 15, "...abide in me..." is so foreign to our way of thinking. How can simply walking with someone, or following someone truly be learning? But, in the Jewish context it makes perfect sense. Add to that, when you understand this, you see that Christ's and his apostle's teachings are much more about 'being' than 'doing'. By the way...LOVED THE VIDEO!
Great comments! As far as I understand, in the Christian teaching we are already living in eschatological times - death has been conquered, the Messias has already been here. We have basically moved away from the chaotic world induced by the original sin. Therefore, in Christianity, it is assumed that you would be able to live perfectly ethical, so you should also be able to think perfectly ethical, or have a "pure" mind. In Judaism we still live in the sinful world, so acting and thinking ethically is considered to be impossible, because we are polluted by the original sin. You therefore have to act out the laws laid forth in the Torah, in order to be a good person, whereas Christians should automatically be able to be good, since in that theology the world has already returned to its perfect state. Whether Christianity has steered that our culture in a wrong direction: I wouldn't necessarily say it's wrong, but I think that there has been to great a focus on inwards reflection compared to outwards action. This has especially stifled the protoscientific progress which was beginning in the classical world, but declined in the middle ages. But I would rather lay the blame on Socratic/Platonic philosophical tradition than Christianity, which just seems to be a product of this way of thinking.
In some ways it did because Jews especially Zionists have used Christianity (European and American Christians) for their own benefit and by believing scriptures an seeing Jews as "chosen ones" we have been fooled by them. Many of modern theories which denigrated white people come from Jewish Authors. They (the Jews) even though they don't believe Christianity have used it as a tool to enslave European people.
Another excellent video. A lot of your viewers/readers are young men in their 20s, and even 30s and its understandable that they may not feel like a man, but it doesn't stop there. I'm almost 41 and I can completely relate to them. So often, I find myself waiting for something to happen, and I forget that we have to make things happen in our lives. Often, when I do become aware of my inaction, and finally take action, I find that I'm happier and more motivated to change and grow. It's important to have a plan for ourendeavors, but Paralysis through analysis can stifle anyone. Deciding what you want to do and doing it is the sure way to make surest that something gets done. There is no substitute for action.
Dillywick2 depends on your attitude and what you join. If you join security forces then yes you'll be treated poorly if you go into a less grunt like mos then you'll be treated way better. as for the depression, it just depends on the individual.
" Fake it until you make it" is actually a misrepresentation of this concept. The concept is of courage and action, nothing is faked. Men of war are MEN. They don't fake not being afraid or some bs bravery. They find ciurage and take action.
This is my first "act of expressing the gratitude for someone ..............." I used not to express anything or saying Thank u to any one but from now onwards i will.... that is my first step ............Thank you sir
