How to Figure Out Your Sexuality Label //  

Here's the thing, labeling anything about your identity is like labeling a paint color. You can give someone an idea of the color by saying it's red, or reddish, but in the end, you're not just "red", you're Tuscan Sunset.

I feel like Alayna would be an utterly awesome therapist.

wolf cut >>>>>>

13:29 why did this whole speech from Alayna actually make me cry I'm currently going through this process and honestly it's been pretty emotional. i've always thought I was just an emotionally unavailable and awkward person and had no interest in relationships (first came out as bi at 15), but once i actually started dating & sleeping with women years later at 20 it's like ohhhh.. ok so there's nothing wrong with my brain i've just been a lesbian this whole time and mistook comphet/seeking validation for attraction. Oops... anyways I'm so happy I finally get to be myself and experience what true attraction is for the first time

A big reason I use labels is because I worry that the ace spectrum isn't "queer enough" if I'm not something else as well. But even though parts of my attraction seem "straight," calling myself queer has always felt right.

I've been identifying as bi for a long time, and after the denial phase I embraced it as my identity and it made me feel valid. But after breaking up with my first girlfriend, I was only seeking a relationship with another woman, and I started to think maybe I was lesbian, but wasn't sure. I drove myself nuts. Then, if asked, I started just say I was queer. I wasn't able to define myself in a more specific way, and most of the time I didn't even wanted to. The thing I learned is that sexuality can be very fluid, and now I accept whatever attraction I feel without too much further questioning, but always embracing it. I'm me just being me. Labels are for boxes, not people.

I read the lesbian doc earlier this year and it absolutely helped me understand myself more

I had a “friend” tell me the other day that I’m, in fact, not a lesbian and that I need to stop saying that. This video was so validating for me! Thank you!! ❤

My concern with the Lesbian Masterdoc is that I read the writer(s) as being rather invalidating of ace/aro lesbian identities when describing how comphet may manifest ("I'm not attracted to men so I must be asexual"). Similar to the idea of comphet, Angela Chen offers the idea of "compulsory allosexuality" in her book ACE, and I can see that coming up when I read about deconstructing comphet in the Masterdoc. There's got to be a way to reconcile those two concepts while navigating comphet's influence in one's life.

I'm currently going through a crisis whether I'm lesbian or bi. I don't date her anymore but after that relationship with my girlfriend I want to get into a relationship with another woman again. I think I've liked a boy but I don't know if it's comphet or I'm under the gray umbrella and don't like too much physical stuff because there was a time I felt uncomfortable. I obsess over girl characters and girls in media and stuff like that. This channel has been helping me. Im trying not to rush and i know I don't have to choose a label I just feel a little stuck.

Alayna’s Lesbian Masterdoc video literally shifted my world. It was so clear and relatable. Cue gay awakening.

I personally love my label(s). It took me years to be happy with the fact I’m a lesbian and now I love it so much!! I’m also nonbinary and while Ive always been more comfortable with this, I’m still proud of myself

Me personally I like the sense of community and identity that comes from finding a label for my sexuality. I recognise it's not important to everyone but it is to me ❤️🌈

Will forever love both these people's videos! So happy to watch a video of the both of you :)

I kinda want to get Keara's hairstyle for myself. they look so androgynous/pretty/handsome and as an agender person myself, her look is something I strive for.

I love the fluidity and vibes. It’s just chill and flow vibes, it’s fantastic.

I'm sad cause I know I'll never get to experience a society where labels are not a thing and people can just be themselves 😢 but maybe one day it will be a thing. In the meanwhile I'm gonna go back to my friends group bubble

That's exactly the talk I've been needing for months, thank you (and i'm so happy to see u both doing videos together Keara and Alayna, you've been my two queer angels for the last years

i agreed with everything u guys said here!! its important to be open minded when it comes to sexuality/labels. Personally I use queer AND bi to describe my identity because it makes sense to me. and i dont have to explain that to anyone ♡

I just saw Alayna's video, and I wanted to make a comment quick on your video, saying how awesome and affirming your convo with Alayna was. I can't watch your video now, but I have it saved to come back to later :)

hey keara! i love your videos but i don’t always have time to sit down and watch them :( would you ever consider making the ask queera series into a podcast format? not like eliminating the videos but just uploading the audio to spotify so it’s easier to listen to on the go! have an amazing day!

The term agender is awesome! My friend identified as genderfluid for a while but ultimately thought the whole concept of gender was fake. They are just a soul living in a world trying to get through their life. Is that a term you have heard of before, I think it could be helpful. Thank you for the advice!

ty so much for this video, i’ve been struggling with my sexuality lately, mostly discerning whether or not i am bi or lesbian. a big thing that stood out to me in my thought processes was the fact that fantasizing about being with a woman/a future with one felt good and came naturally, whereas i had to force myself to think about one with a man because of comphet. also the part about “attraction is supposed to feel good” really stuck out to me, i’ve had feelings towards guys i’ve labeled as crushes before, but i always felt very uncomfortable. at the moment i think i might be lesbian, but i want to let everyone know that labels can be comforting but are subject to change. one day i may meet a man and fall in love with him, and that’s ok. sexuality is fluid and maybe it might be different in the future. just know there’s no rush to figure it out ❤

To that second question, there's also Abrosexuality. If this person has never heard of that, I hope that helps. As for me, as an autistic person, labels are hugely helpful. They aren't ever a perfect fit, not truly, but microlabels are also useful. But I can recognize that it's not a perfect fit, yet still feel comforted by using one or more. And that works for me.

hey alayna, just wanted to say the thing about bisexual helped me out BIG time. because I've been lesbian for a while, and I dated a man, and thought I was bisexual. This helped me realized that I was still a lesbian so thanks!

Comphet is a generational chain because for so much of female history has been for us to be desirable and be able to be married offwhen truly if you go really far back in history that not how it was most of the time females were the strategic leaders and the male were the warriors or even in some cultures it was equal

BEST COLLAB BRO I LOVE THE COMBINATION YALL ARE MY FAVS AND THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY

I have no labels. I'm just a person. Either get to know me or don't.

I really had that same journey as Alayna to some extent. I was so happy to find a label that fit me, that I rejoiced in it for some time. And now, that label is fine but less and less important to me personally. It's like it integrated itself fully into what has always just been me and now works as a part of me just like the rest. I'm not irritated by it exactly, but I don't think about it as much.

I'm a 29 year old woman who's only in the last few years really realized and started being honest with myself about my feelings for women, after getting out of a 6-year relationship with a man. I wonder a lot if I'm bi or a lesbian, but at the end of the day I do like the fluidity of the bisexual label. I don't want to pursue more relationships with men at this point in my life, but even if there was only the one man, still bi. Only really attracted to women and nbs? still technically bi. Fluctuates over time? still bi.

when will Alayna finally start her education for being an official therapist. Felt so much *Amen* towards her during this video

That second question really helped me, because yeah my shifts in attraction are related to realisations for me, thank you for wording it so well :D

There’s actually a sexuality called Abrosexuality which is fluid! It’s like gender fluid but for sexualities ☺️I’ve used this label since 2020 and it has helped me a lot You can be gay, hetero, ace, aro, pan, bi, and so on. It’s awesome cuz then you don’t have to keep getting confused! You’re just constantly fluctuating :D

I LOOOOOOVE THIS COLAB

Oh, I give up. Testosterone hit me like a ton of bricks and convinced me I was becoming a monster. I was appalled the other guys I knew 'just went with it' as if it was perfectly normal to act like an asshole. I don't even like men, even though I are one. The whole idea of 'male bonding' strikes me as downright creepy. I can't stand being in groups that don't include (preferably several) women. My first marriage was a disaster because I was not what she expected from a man. On the other hand, I found I got along famously with her lesbian friends, I assume for the same reason. I'm not 'queer' exactly, but I'm certainly different.

And for the people, like me, that isnt good at reading for long periods of time, the master doc has been uploaded here on YT where someone reads it aloud ^-^

OMG this video was so eye opening, it helped me clear my mind on a lot of topics that i've been having problems with, also i didn't know the term comphet and WOW that's totally me, really, THANK YOU SO MUCH, now i feel more calm with myself

WTF?! "my value is being attractive to men" No... i have value as a student and i also find value in my hobbies. This is just ridiculous to me and i refuse to be seen as attactive. In fact i try my best to look undesirable cause this way i feel like i try harder to be a better student and excel more in other areas of my life. I don't need men to validate me.

ive been WAITING for this one 😭 im struggling 😭💗

thank you for this! I have been thinking about some things lately and this really helped!

Both of these guys together is a good time.

I love Keara's hair!

I'm back to actually watch your video! I love your haircut! I've been growing my hair out for a more femme look, but I probably won't go hyper-femme with it; right now it's something a bit androgynous like yours 😊 I currently use broad labels like non-binary and neuroqueer, and I'm currently an all pronouns person, as I'm trying to figure myself out, but I do think I'll let labels go in time 😇 You have me hooked; I'm subscribing! 😊

GAY AF linguistics and psychology student: food for thought.....Commenting on the part where you talk about the difficulties in finding a label that suits you, in these cases , i don't think its necessarily about performance or having a word to declare who you are.. its about realizing that your experiences are your own. Yes, fact, we crave validation, its how we know things are real, having a word for our experiences/identity allows us to respect it as a real thing that deserves space rather than a thing you feel or see, that is not acknowledged by others the validation that "Im okay, there are others that have experienced this, there's a word for it, there is representation". Although we are progressing and learning how to claim,and appreciate the space in which we inhabit. Sometimes ... there just isnt a word for our experiences, our discomforts, our safe spaces. Yet. that does NOT mean they doesn't exist or have the capability to impact how we see ourselves, how we interact with others. Words are useful and poetic, they have weight and they have impact. but they are ... oh but a tool, you, you are the artist. stop letting people paint you into a corner. Validation is comforting, yes, BUT lack of validation is insanely jarring, so after all that, my only advise is: Question! Do it, I dare you, question what you are doing and why. are you here, trying to expand your experiences, engage with what inspires you. to FUCkING STOP being your own hindrance. yes i know that is dramatic. but goddamn pl z be you, and be aware that THEY, anyone

Thanks for the actual pretty good advice girls it literally helps me and everyone else that watches this video ❤️🏳️‍🌈

I also agree with one thing that you said where I don't label myself I just a fall in love with whoever I fall in love with if it's a man a woman a lesbian or gay whatever if as long as we get each other we love each other we want to 🐪 Hump 😅 each other then it's normal for us, no matter whether we go with the label or not we're all ((VALID)) no matter what anybody says!!

Im here because of Alayna 😊 I love you both!

Wow you guys were a-ma-zing. That discussion was so true, profound, relatable, you really did put yourself out there and shared your true self and experience. I could have listen to you two for 2 more hours. Thanks a lot for that video. What an extraordinary collaboration. Can't wait to watch more of you two

Everyone is allowed to define themselves or not, however they like like to and also change it). It's perfectly valid and noone should judge it.

I believe the label for a fluctuating sexual orientation is abrosexual.

I've waited so much for this colab

I needed this video today ❤

protect alayna at all cost

Omg! You guys are soooo amazing!! That helped me soooooo much❤❤❤

I can never tell the difference between gender envy and attraction (I'm a trans guy). for the longest time I thought I was just attracted to guys but I recently realized I'm into women and enby people. I think I am still attracted to men... maybe? but often times when I see a guy I find attractive I also want to look like them.... so idfk

Can you be a pansexual cis man? Because I think that's exactly what I am. To explain: I've always been a very masculine man, I like men's things and clothes, I adore girls, I've been in training all my life, I fight in the octagon, but I never wanted to limit myself, and put labels on myself. If I like someone, that's it, it doesn't matter to me who it is, whether it's, she, her, he, him, they, them, etc., I don't care, so I have no complexes or prejudices , if someone suits me first of all as a personality, and awakens my curiosity and attracts attention, and then physically, I can be with them, and I bond with people very easily. That's why I ask, can you be a "cis" man and pansexual at the same time, because if not, then I really don't know what I am. Please someone who knows about this stuff, tell me what do you think? I come from place where people think I'M "UnGodly freak" for thinking and feeling this way, and I don't have anyone to ask who really knows to answer me the right way. So please, hellp?😇

Labels, like any other descriptive word or any word for that matter, are just useful to communicate with others. The Lesbian Master Doc could simply be called A woman's Guide To Society. Mandatory reading for all female teens.

I was waiting for this collab!

Thank you

I’m so happy about this!

Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year to you today

It's so cute how they laugh together ❤

We love a quing and queen collab!!😍😍😍

i have the same hair style

Thank you sm for this video!! It really helped me. Love your content!

I love the wolf hair cut

not yall silently shading Caitlyn Jenner hehe. im here for it

I have a question, i dont know my label..but if i want to have girlfriend.. she would like to know what label i have..idk if im asexual or bi or whatever. and is it fair to someone to find that out during a relation? u know what i mean...if i find out i dont wanna share the bed with them than she is probably gonna brake up with me... so i gotta know my label before i can date anyone. but without dating anyone i dont get to find out my label. HELP ME :) btw im dutch so hopefully my sentences make sence. :)

ive been around the queer community in a way that ive been a cis lesbian and trans gay man😭 and i still dont know

i'm pretty young (i'm 13) and i've never dated anyone or even had my first kiss,but i think i might be bi but honestly right now i can't tell and i'm so confused

I’m really confused about my sexuality but can you become straight if your one minute thinking your bisexual or no?

It's the way the chemicals and our buddies work the way we just know it

Permanently confused

Make A vid on how to get over a straight girl plzzzz!!!!!!!!!

The last time i ( kinda ) dated someone was a girl. Idk if i still wanna date girls or not, because i don't wanna date or sleep with anyone in general and at this point. But if i could try again, i would like to try men this time. Despite i currently identify as lesbian, i might or might not find the label "bi" or "questioning" fits me more? Idk lmao. I found out that beyond the comp-het, i'm surprised that i found myself attracted and able to see myself happy with someone who happens to be a man...

I am hey baby in my queer experience. But I found out that most of the people who I had a childhood crush on happens to be also a part of the queer community. For example Rebecca Black, Elliott Paige and Raven Symone. I had a crush on them before they came out as queer but I still feel guilty for some reason for liking them because as a cisgender man I don't want to come off as a creep. Any advice?

The good old theys!

If anyone comes across this comment and can answer then please do. On the back of the seeking validation from men thing (around about 14:37 ) I’ve been trying to figure out weather I want to date guys or just make more friends recently. My question is, because I hate that fact that a man might find me attractive or attempt to “hit” on me, does this make me gay or am I still bi? (I know I’m attracted to girl btw, just really confused on the guy part) I think that I might be a biromantic lesbian and I’ve been trying ti find a label which I resonate with for a few months now but I haven’t really fit with bisexual and I don’t want to accept myself as gay if it turns out that I’m attracted to guys. I understand labels aren’t compulsory but I like the idea of them. If anyone has any clue what might be going on/ any tips so that I can figure it out then please please respond to this comment! Anyway, if you made it this far, have an amazing day x

Well I kind of know what y'all mean because I could say I fit in bisexual, transwoman, lesbian, genderqueer, gender fluid, non-binary and etc, I mostly go with a transgender woman but I feel like all the above!!

You linked the lesbian masterdoc. The editor came out as bisexual month ago. Please delete !!!

kearaaaa you have to tell me where that shirt is from, i love those colours

Yesssssss!!! Brilliant and evolved Souls you!! ;)

AHHHH MY FAVES

Not about video. It was very insightful. I agree with some people. Why are people saying Bose over sony. I wanna try sony buy have mixed feelings. Been researching song better some areas idk.

“You can be gay if you want to” - Alaina Joy

Omg i love both of you

It's just a word

Me: I’m way much more attracted to the females ever a lot , but I’m always into them. But I jus don’t know like why , that I jus almost always see the parts of the males like in a sexual way. But honestly though that really jus scares me ever a lot , but why do I always go sexual about the females a lot much more..??? But why do I always go in a sexual way , even though like whenever I always do see almost every females that are a bit more older than me..???

my faves 🥰🥰🥰

I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to 24/7. I find that I'm not locked in to a certain age range. I love girls of many ages, sizes, shapes and styles.

And that's how are you I was different

All of you I was different

God y'all are so cute🥰

everytime she says queera i just have to laugh its so lame but so funny

Pronounce is just a word and labels is just a word

Jesus loves all you all.

i,m looking for a lesbian into both men and women i date twin sisters before 20 years ago i,m from Ohio

This is literally all I needed to hear tysm 🥲💙💙💙