How to Know if an Autistic Person Loves You 

Thank you for asking! This video was the very first YT video that I recorded professionally (and I wasn't really thinking it would reach hundreds of thousands!) At the time, I was still doing clinical work as a counselor (thus the "Helping Hearts Counseling" logos for my local counseling practice) and was working with a lot of autistic teens and their parents. I made it for my clients and tossed it on a RU-vid channel to make it easy to share. Parenting a teenager can be thankless, and parenting an autistic teenager can really be hard when these kiddos frequently become overwhelmed and express disdain for parents. My own autistic daughter was in middle school and I had learned to look for these kinds of signs to recognize her love for me. So, I made this video with the parents of children in mind. I knew it applied to adult relationships, too, and as it turns out adults REALLY needed to hear my message! So, physical, romantic, intimacy wasn't in my thoughts in regards to physical touch. I am referring specifically to non-sexual touch. All of that said, autistic children, teens, and adults do crave physical touch, and as you said can be "too much" for people. Autistic traits like this are often at the extremes. When you think about averages, neurotypical individuals fall within the averages of traits (like desiring physical touch), but autistic individuals often prefer much less or much more than others, putting autistic traits outside the averages at both ends. This does include romantic, intimate touch as well! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share more about this!

so, I only am now learning I am autistic.. however.. I will say this. I really hate being touched or having physical contact with people. It makes me feel SO uncomfortable. However.. If I really like you, I really enjoy physical contact.. and not in a sexual way at all.. but like being really close to that person and even just leaning on them.. arms touching, that closeness is so really nice.. I feel like I want to energetically merge with them lol : )))

@@giusigurl7971 what you’ve described is similar to my autistic daughter. Thank you for sharing!

@@JodiCarlton you're welcome. honestly.. it makes me happy to know i'm not weird for feeling like this ..and that i'm not alone. :'))

@@giusigurl7971you're definitely not alone!!

Take it! The gesture...the intent is totally there! And the love note....how thoughtful.

@@JodiCarlton Thank you for replying. That feels very encouraging to me. I'm sure you'll see me more of me as I try to figure him out. lol

omg that's adorable

Daniel Colflesh Give and take, and communication! Those are all so important!

Oh god yes, I'm a female aspie and I too feel like sometimes my partner obstructs/brings chaos, and it has been really hard to think through what exactly is a 'real' problem and what is just a miscommunication issue and my own bad temper. But my partner really does take interest in my interests, I always feel so very surprised and grateful when he is genuinely interested even in 'girly' issues like historical hairstyles tutorials, period pain or the massive amount of scientific papers I tend to share... Even if he doesn't read them he wants me to summarize the findings. He asks about all kinds of stuff and ideas and I do really find it balances out some other day-to-day practical issues. I find it much easier to forgive undone dishes and not harp on about them when I feel safe about my life in other ways. I've been 'in denial' about my sensory issues and the meltdowns in public have increased in recent years, so he got me my first ear plugs which help tremendously.. Wish I'd have used those sooner, would have helped so much in so many situations. So what I'm really trying to say to those in relationships with ASD people who are not yet feeling totally freaked out and want to make it work - say what you're trying to achieve when doing something or reacting to something, and if a situation seems unfair to you in a way, say something like 'I was trying to be/do this to for you/me/us to have this-or-that result, how do you feel we should go about this situation?' and the ASD person usually WILL think about that situation and your point of view, even if it takes about a few days to a week. If they care about being with you, they WILL think about things you say, even if they're not sure how to solve the situation.

"All the chaos she brings you" that cracks me up🤣that is so Aspie

This post makes me sad. As an NT dating an Aspie about to move in with him in a few days and I've never heard "I love you" id be really hurt if he told me what you said to your gf...

I’m just discovering (at age of 45) I have ASD/High functioning Austin’s traits which have probably ended my 3 to 4 year relationship to my fiancée. I may also have Cyclothymia Bipolar and I do have moderate dyslexia and dyscalculia. Yeah I have too many special interests but I even think my ex may be a bit ASD . I still naturally love her even 3 months after the break up but she has her own issues that I was trying to understand… even she admits to them but she is moving on… so that’s that …

[envious glare]

Awww 🥰

I love this! Thank you for sharing!!

Jodi Carlton .......thank you! I know you were able to translate that “ha pay” near the end.......compliments of our beloved confused automatic spell checker.......to actually read “happy”!!! LOL.

Jodi Carlton .......me being a regular “chatty Kathy” type person, I of course could’ve made my sharing BOOK LENGTH in duration.......but I thought I’d better “put the proverbial brakes on”!!! LOL

Now that is true romance, lucky you!

yalda roy what a beautiful comment!

Hi Karen. I don't believe either one of you has the job of supporting the other - couples are adults and each partner is responsible for adulting. There is a difference between being aware of limitations in order to understand and "supporting" which is often codependent and enabling. This video about setting boundaries might be helpful: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-yqDwCT7_i5I.html Also, I encourage you to watch my most recent podcast series where Mona Kay (host of the Neurodiverse Love podcast) and I share our own personal challenges in neurodiverse marriages. ru-vid.com/group/PLSyXJdjUav7pSwpq7nmSdEQZMwiI3eqHR

Christopher Bruce thank you for this beautiful testament to a successful relationship!! So inspirational and encouraging for the others here!

You sound like a very loving & unselfish man/husband. Rare indeed. Just the one question you asked your wife shows you care about her. I'm curious how you came to all these realizations. Did you have parents that showed such love outwardly towards each other?

So nice to hear some good stories

No weigh? Weigh!

Hi Mary. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I’m glad you have clarity now about your lovely guy and I’m so sad for you that you’ve lost him. I believe your comment will be inspiring to others here. ❤️

@mary Sorry for your loss. I enjoyed reading your post 💯💕 I can relate a great deal. My husb is a pretty good guy. We've been through some tough challenges due to him being on the spectrum and me not understanding. I would find myself nagging a great deal because I felt unloved and unappreciated. We've been married for over 35 yrs. I've been debating as to whether to leave or stay. A bigger part of me wants to stay. Like your late husband, I take my vows pretty seriously. Reading your post helped me a lot. I know if something were to happen to him, I would miss him dearly. He tries to please me in different ways. I'm grateful to be in a much better place in my life. With understanding of what he's going through, the nagging has calmed down a great deal. Sending you Positive Energy and Much Love ❤️

Yes. Exactly.

Lol yeah.. but "through a text" which is Sooo aspergers.. 😊

Hi Isabelle! Yes, you are so right about verbal expressions, and thank you for your comment. You are a WOMAN with Asperger's, which actually changes things up a bit. Women come into this world with a bit more hard-wired programming for communication. So, women with Asperger's tend to be much better at verbal communication than men. But, the social awkwardness is still quite a challenge. I'm so happy for you and your guy! All the best!!

Sounds like you've worked hard to adjust to social expectations! :) And, yes, there will always be people who can't be pleased. If what you're doing works for most (and most importantly, for YOU), then you're probably just fine. Don't worry about it, if there are a few people who find fault in what you do. There will always be a few! If there are LOT of people telling you that your eye contact is too much, then maybe another adjustment is best. It's a learning process.

Like most things, it's a balancing act. Too little or too much of most things is bad. Eye contact is a good thing, but it's usually broken up by occasionally looking at other things, either other things in the environment, or something you can both direct your gaze at. As Jodi mentions in the video, eye contact is intense, which is a good thing, but too much of it can make people feel uncomfortable.

Exactly bloody annoying 😂

For me the eye contact thing is totally random, even if somebody told me I can't register whether it's not enough or too much.

do you ever just stare into space while explaining stuff

Dagny Taggart yes, thank you for sharing!

For me, its more of a balanced approach. I get turned off by both too little and too much. If a woman were to start looking at me like I was her next conquest or something, that would make me scared enough to start running for my sanity.

Thanks for the feedback! I always like to hear from aspies. I'm glad to hear that you have an understanding boyfriend. Show him this video if you haven't already - we non ASD peeps need all the help we can get, as well! :)

Jodi Carlton actually I had a talk with him about the video and showed him as well :) think that helped him a bit, thanks again

Lorri Genovese love this! Thanks for sharing.

I am on the spectrum, my first wife put me through 9 years of utter hell on Earth. I couldn't show her affection, I wanted too but she was unlovable. I Am married now to a sweet loving woman. I am constantly expressing my love and affection. The reason is in my analytical mind I have a contrast of a horrible and a good relationship. Most people with aspbergers do not have alot of experience. He probably wants to express but doesn't know how or understand. Keep showing him love, I have felt so lonely my whole life, until this wonderful woman loved me.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and this great resource!

Love this!

love this xxx

That is the sweetest thing I've read tonight. I'm weird about my pens so this would be a big deal from me even being neurotypical.

@@sinandcyanide7505 yes. Im weird about my pen paper and paintbrushrs.

@@traciereed4927 they all have a specific purpose, damn it! I NEED them lol

Thank you for sharing this and I'm so glad that you feel validated!! It helps me so much in my personal neurodiverse relationships to look for how I'm being loved versus resenting not being loved the way I want!

GREAT comment! Thank you for sharing this (no apology needed). You've done a great job here explaining the similarities and differences in ASD. And, yes the "species" thing makes total sense. I actually use this in explaining ASD quite a bit. Many folks with ASD feel like they're from a different planet, living amongst humans who look and speak the same as them, but are not the same species.

This will change when your married then you'll see the "real" him. Speaking from experience

@@repentorperish6414 forgive or perish

@@StackXBT forgiveness has nothing to do with telling the truth about someone. Follow what the Holy Spirit tells you, God doesnt condone abuse. Someone's relationship with God comes first, relationship with someone abusive does not take priority over God.

@@repentorperish6414forgive or perish. That's a warning from God to his children. You also commented on someone else's good news with a negative comment. Its clear you're still bitter from past hurts and you project your bitterness onto someone else's experience. Forgive or perish. Many bible references that confirm this.

@@repentorperish6414 it is by grace that we are made whole literally and faith that we are saved. When you understand that someone else's behavior negative behavior has little to do with your own, you can learn grace. They are struggling and unfortunately have decided that you are the constant in their life that they can contend reality with. See it's not you they are fighting, you are just the median at times between their reality. It can feel thankless I'm sure. My wife is amazing in that she encourages the good things that come with being on the spectrum and is helping me to understand what isn't helping neither her nor myself. As a natural truth seeker, it's my habit to drop anything that isn't beneficial and pick up anything that might be of value. I can tell you that this has been the difference between living a nightmare to an absolute fantasy. It's always work but well worth it. I honestly hope this information in some way helps. God doesn't accept sin in any form, how anyone is to truly "make" has got to be simple. It's by grace. What kind of eternity we are making seems to be the only thing we might be able to actually affect in that regard. Keep going and God bless.

Thank you for sharing this, Maddie. It will be helpful to others here. :)

I totally agree! I would never want to put my mask on, near the people that i love, and i would always want them to see me for me. After all isn't love about accepting each other for who we are! Infact i feel very loved when both of us are comfortable being with each other "in silence" more than at any time!

But a long lasting relationship/marriage and with kids would require A LOT more than just being in the presence.

@@lifeseries7944 yes, of course! :) This video is not about what makes a relationship work - it's about recognizing signs that your partner loves you (in the way that autistic individuals tend to show love). It's by no means an exhaustive list, and some AS folks don't have these traits. These are just the more common ones. In my other videos, and in my coaching groups, we dive a lot deeper into how to make a neurodiverse relationship work. Come join us on FB - the link is in the description.

I actually love that fact about my boyfriend who has asbergers. I'm going to tell you something. Don't ever change!!!!

Sounds wonderful!! Thanks for sharing!

After 15 years together I realized my husband was Aspie. Until then I attributed his differences to cultural background and age (vastly different). After reading everything I could get my hands on, I asked him how I could know that he loves me and he immediately replied “well, I’m still here!” His steadfast loyalty, truthfulness, and his acceptance of me just as I am fill me with gratitude every day. Beautiful soul and heart, yes. Glad I hung in there.

Thank you for sharing, Yasmina! It's helpful to learn how others feel about these issues.

Totally believe you are a man. Therapists aren't very well trained in Asperger's, I'm sad to say. Sorry, to hear it's a struggle for you.

Zrex99 same here i been in one relationship year 2000 and 3 women dated til date 2019 , no need hear females priblems and manipulation not worth it happy as i am

You know what? at least you have the intelligence and courage to see a therapist. You are indeed a man and not an animal and I'm sure there are many women out there who would be proud to be in a relationship with you.

What I do not understand is why you assume that Asperger's syndrome has something to do with not having had relations at your 50 years... From what I have seen, there are many men without any diagnosis who are in the same situation in our day. It is not something that any therapist can fix, because it has nothing to do with individual personality, but with objective sexual dynamics. This dynamics is structurally unbalanced against men, since all the effort to seek and maintain relationships is placed on their shoulders, while women have at their fingertips a pool of male offer & attention without lifting a finger, and without anyone reproaching their symptoms in case they have a disorder. However strong the effort of the politically correct narrative is to put a mute on these things, there is nothing more than to open your eyes and look at the world as it is. There is nothing wrong with you, nor you're in a situation that tens of thousands of men do not share today, although they all publicly claim otherwise and intimately blame themselves. You can't blame yourself for an objective situation you can't control.

I'm so glad this was helpful to you! Come over and join in the discussion in our FB group for both partners! The link is in the description.

The point where I knew my one long-term relationship was harmed to the point it couldn't be recovered was when I found myself desperate enough to try lying in order to say something I thought my partner wanted me to say. It turned out (of course) that not only did I feel awful for even trying, but that I was wrong in the first place anyway and I'd made things worse. I still lie from time to time because it's socially expected for normal interactions, but even that sorta... sucks honestly. NTs expect a degree of performative dishonesty that makes me uncomfortable in order to simply pass as polite. It's extremely taxing.

From my experience, it’s not entirely the case though, the ones I interact with are pretty manipulative and just want things to be their own way

Same here. I find it extremely difficult to interpret and understand implied intention. So I usually have no idea whether someone fancies me and I just default to platonic friendliness in every situation. However, if their cues are blatant enough, or I spend a few minutes mulling over their curious behaviour and eventually realise there might be something more going on, then I am hit by a massive tsunami of anxiety and insecurity and I shutdown. I say to myself, "just go and speak to them," but then the rest of my mind says, "oh yeah, about what exactly?" At which point I have to resign myself to the fact that I have nothing to say, and because I can't do conversation with them they are going to consider me a joke and reject me, because social interaction is a big deal to women. Who wants to date someone who doesn't talk much? That's the whole point of dating, to get to know each other. Despite having a really high IQ it's embarrassing to have to admit that I just don't really get the usual games people do and the whole courting and wooing process - not to mention that I instinctively can't be bothered with the journey and just want the destination. So the art of romantic conversation is not something that comes naturally to me even though I can recognise much of it when I see someone do it, and so I only really have the instinct to ask simple and child-like things, such as "Do you want to go out with me?", "You want to go to the cinema?", "Do you want to have sex?". I've had a couple of women respond positively to this direct approach, but most seem freaked out by it and many times when chatting to women online I've been told I'm so serious. I guess I just don't get whatever this "fun" aspect of dating is for normal, average people. I really want lots of companionship, intimacy and sex but I can't stand all the confusing weirdness, hard work and time required to get there. I always flop at pointless ice-breaking questions where the person asking doesn't actually care about the answer - like "What's the time?" or "Do you like boats?" - because it's all I can do to just literally answer the question at face value, at which point she walks away because I've completely failed it. Why the fuck can't people just ask me if I want to go out and I can say "yes"? Is that really so hard? Is it too logical? To me that's like going into a shop and asking for a sandwich when you're thirsty. People are crazy! LoL It is made harder by the fact that I'm a man and socially expected to do the chasing, and it seems that when I fail to respond as expected they shrug their shoulders and leave, presumably thinking I'm not worth it, already taken or not interested. As you say, it leaves one not having a clue what to do. I've lost so many opportunities because of this.

Keep communicating! Keep learning. :)

Hi i starting talking to an Aspie. We are interested in each other. He has been honest from the beginning. We enjoy each other. I am researching aspbergers and how to have a relatioship with one.

Laura, thank you so much for sharing this. It is such an important topic and one that isn't mentioned very often! I'm so sad for the heartache that you've had to endure. Yes, I will definitely give some serious thought to doing a videocast on this topic. Thank you so much for your comment. Perhaps you might be interested in being a guest? Please email me at jodi@helpingheartscounseling.com and let me know.

Super g, Laura Lewis certainly wasn't making fun of any syndromes, so I'm not sure what you're meaning there. If you are feeling unsafe or like taking your life, please reach out to someone you can trust. The national suicide hotline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the national crisis text line at 741741. I'm sorry you are struggling. :( There really are people who care!

Jodi Carlton Thank you for clarifying

super g Umm, I don't know if you read my full comment, but I in NO WAY making fun of you or my own Son who DIED!!! I have not been in "prison" for the last ten and a half years, I have been in HELL without my Son... Please think before attacking someone, it's hurtful and just so you know, I strongly believe that I have Aspergers Syndrome myself, I "got" Julien because he was just like me as a child in so many ways, including my trying to end my life by taking 12 aspirins one for each year I was alive (I was both harshly verbally and physically abused and saw no way out) my parents came home to find me throwing up, crying and then they saw the note telling them why... I thought it would be enough to kill me, but I was just a kid - looking back, they SHOULD have taken me to the hospital anyway, but instead they watched over me for the night. My Father stopped drinking - well, as much as he could at the time - he's a "functioning" and very mean alcoholic - and the beatings and daily tongue lashings stopped for about a month or two, he then returned to one of his favourite past times, beating and belittling both myself and my half brother. Now, Julien left a single note that said, "I love you Mom." and on another note book that he had to bring to school he simply wrote "F#ck school!" While I was at work he went to the train tracks, and pacing and crying for about 15 minutes (according to FOUR "anonymous" people who did NOTHING, but looked on) he even took off his school shirt to use as a pillow as he laid his head down on the track... So, no I am in no way making fun of other people's disabilities... I don't even know what would possibly make you think that. And here I go, over sharing again!

Laura, thank you for sharing your painful experience. I hope it will help others understand what you and so many more have been through and continue to go through. If you are reading this, and you are struggling, yourself, please know that you are not alone! Laura, I haven't forgotten about your suggestion to do a video about this. It's a very important topic.

Hello am I’m glad you commented! Autistic traits can be at the extremes so there’s a really high threshold it really low threshold. With touch an autistic may be highly sensitive to physical contact whereas another autistic may seek touch even more than most. I have clients and family (both men and women) at both extremes. Nonetheless, an autistic is likely to only want touch from someone well known and close personally.

My boyfriend has physical touch love language, and it's been great since mine is also touch. He gives the best hugs and holds my hand all the time ❤️

@@pyromaniacalmagpie3198 How wonderful for you both! Thank you for sharing. 😊

Hi Charlie. It's great that he asks. Tell him!! Thanks for sharing.

Hi Jeff! Have you ever tried noise cancelling headphones or earplugs like Calmers? They don't completely cancel out noise, but they lower the volume. I wonder about your dog breed and age, some younger and more active dog breeds can be very intense. I don't know where you live, but in some places you might qualify for an emotional support dog/animal. Have you ever met other ASD people? I highly recommend trying to meet some, as it is also easier to date someone more similar to you - if understanding eachother is important to you. I thought I would never date again until I met my ASD partner. As exhausting as it is, if you have any special interests, I would consider talking about those online or other social spaces. It's the best way to meet someone you have something in common with, and friendship is companionship too. ASD with aspergers are loveable, and you don't have to change. You do have to invest in your quality of life.

Hi Jeff. The sensory challenges can be so tough! Occupational therapists who are trained in sensory integrative therapy can really help. Check into it!

Try a cat instead. Way easier to take care of and also way quieter. No barking!

Same here.

It's a learning experience, for sure. I've seen men and women with Asperger's figure out how to make relationships work, but it can be difficult to do on your own. Let me know if you want some help.

@@sharodcoulson1291 it's hard, for sure. It's hard for NT's too! I work with men and women every day who haven't figured it out. Asperger's complicates things, but really all individuals have to learn how to do relationships - Asperger's or now. Let me know if you want some help.

Find a strong woman who doesn t need the constant ego boosts and is clear in what she wants and needs and have her own life.😊 Maybe a bit older?

@@Ytdeletesallmycomments I'm the kind of guy who prefers an older lady.

I’m glad you came across my channel. There are many videos here that will be helpful to you. Be sure to listen to the podcast playlist. Your girlfriend might find it helpful as well.

Thank you

Mailee, thank you so much for your comments! Yes, the "unsaid" can be really difficult in relationships with Aspies. Words of affirmation (from the concept of Love Languages) is not typically a way of communicating love for someone with Asperger's. And, YES, it's so important, though, to recognize how much effort is being made when your Aspie partner seeks to understand you and meet your needs. All the best to you and your love!

Dasie, I'm glad you this helped you!

Thanks for sharing this, Beth!! My daughter lets me hug her even though it's uncomfortable for her, but she knows how much I love it. And I don't request it too much from her because I love HER! It's all about respecting each other's preferences and needs. :)

What's aspie??? Please stop using such childish 'words'.

@@piglet2548 Beth is right, "Aspie" is a term that is used by the Asperger's community quite frequently. Nothing childish about it.

I'm so glad this was helpful to you!! I totally understand! It's understandable that you'd want her to know what you need, but if you can rethink things about her, and learn to tell her what you need, she will likely be grateful, and you will more likely get more of your needs met. :)

Bless your heart.... I diagnosed my new hubby.... I fell in love with him even though I knew something was off. He is THE SWEETEST MAN I HAVE EVER MET..! Just keep living her... She NEEDS the guidance.... It's ok! Do it in love....💗💗💗

Thanks, Miriam!

Thanks for the feedback!

@@JodiCarlton You're very welcome!

I’m so glad this was helpful to you! I hope you’ll join me, and others who are in spectrum relationships on FB. There are men and women with autism in my free coaching group as well. The link is in the description.

Hi Melissa. Thank you for sharing your experience and your husband’s. Yes agreed that asking an autistic partner to do the planning is often going to be very stressful. Planning/coordinating does not equal care/love. Many NT partners mistaken believe that a partner will plan if they care. I recommend that NTs who have a desire for a date make a specific request about a specific date and ask if the ND partner is available and able to meet that request (but rejection of the idea also doesn’t mean the ND doesn’t love the NT partner - it may just not be something they can do). That said…it IS important for an ND partner to push past some levels of discomfort at times in order to also show regard and care for an NT partner.

I'm glad this video was helpful to you. Perhaps it could open up a discussion between the two of you?

Great! I'm so glad it helped! Thanks for sharing. :)

I'm so glad it was helpful! Best of luck to you and your new love interest!

Thankyou ^_^

I'm so glad it was helpful!

It definitely goes both ways. Communication is important for both partners to discover how you each give and receive love!

I'm so glad it was helpful!

Good luck on your date! Love develops over time through sharing your life, opinions, and experiences with someone and learning the same about them. Trust is the outcome of being able to share and being valued for who you each are even when you’re really different from each other. I hope your first date goes well. It’s a start!

@@JodiCarlton thank you

Really glad it helped you!

This is fantastic! Thanks for sharing.

Hannah, I'm so glad this was helpful to you! Thank you for sharing!

Yes absolutely. These are just a few signs and they don’t apply to everyone. There are so many other traits. The commons thread is the actual presence of sensory “differences” and language, relational, social differences. They’re going to show up in various ways though in each person. I’m glad you got some clarity for yourself.

Thank you for sharing! Aspies can be very stabilizing!

Hah, you guys seem very cute. Make sure you work it out together :>

I found my self in a similar situation. When my then new partner told me he had Aspergers at first is was OMG but I very quickly (like a min or so) realised my initial worries about our relationship went away. He is really good at helping me deal with my anxiety and my migraines. He thinks he is unobservant but he is really good at spotting my anxiety acting up or when I start with migraine symptoms. He did love me but it looked different than I expected. Wanting to including me in his interests really rings true. It helps that we shared some compatible interests so I may not be as involved as he is with the interest but I can enjoy it with him.

Thank you for sharing this!

Hi Terry. Love languages don't always make sense to individuals on the spectrum, so the follow through may not happen, like you've said. It's so helpful to learn HOW to actually understand each other. You haven't "fallen" for anything. Neither of you have the tools to interact in a relationship to make it thrive. Come over to my free FB coaching group if you're not already a member (the link is in the description of this video).

You become their caretaker

How often did you indulge in his "love language"? How did he respond to that?

Sensory differences show up in so many unique ways! Thank you for sharing your family’s combo.

Wear a t-shirt or something

I'm sorry to hear that, Margarita! I think that a lot of people are clueless, in general! Full disclosure: I'm a nerd, and I don't think that I'm diagnosable since I don't have the worst symptoms of Asperger's, but I see a number of the aspects of it in me, just in a very mild form... But enough for it to be a problem to me, just not as painful as I see it described in others, including women! Maybe you should pick crowds who will get you more, especially after you open up and say that you have diagnosed ASD. :-)

Definitely try to be open to others about you having apergers because people will see you trying through your gestures and that shpuld go a long way. The right people will understand you or want to try to understand you if they can't. Don't think about it too much because you are only human. Overthinking will make you go through hell for sure. I've always said that it is a joy killer. Once people around you know what you are going through on the inside by you telling them what you wrote on here and telling them that you have aspergers will make them realize that you put a multitude of efforts out to people and will really bring alot of understanding to your relationships.

Hi Margarita. I'd say stop trying to "fix" yourself. You're you. You're different, but there's nothing "wrong" with you. I do understand that you have struggled to read people, and you've done a lot to recognize what others expect from you. But, you get to be you. Surround yourself with people who value you just as you are. Share with safe people that you have ASD, and teach them about you. It's just as much their responsibility to understand YOU as it is yours to understand them.

This is very common.... most people, you might tell them you have Asperger's, say only your boss in the work environment. They may read about Asperger's, but they will never really "get it" how different you are, or how much extra management you take to "understand the concept" in the work place, especially with team work. I just try to be myself. If I am quirky to you, then so be it. As long as I am productive and get my work done as good or better or faster than others, by being more productive, I'm a valuable asset to the team.

I'm so glad that this was helpful to you!

Thanks for sharing. Sometimes honesty can come across as "ruthless."

I’m glad it was helpful to you!

You're welcome!

Two of my kids are on the spectrum. After reading a bunch of stuff, I think there is probably a chance I might be as well. I also think there is a chance my boyfriend might be mostly because of his own self declarations of not being able to read social cues and other things that might be considered odd behavior to some people, but they are also some of the things I like the most about him. We are both very logical people, and very interested in power generation among other things.

Ariel that was the cutest story ever! How are things going nowadays?

I hoped you grabbed onto each other and never let go! The ND I married couldn't even think to ask me if I wanted something to eat even as he was eating every couple of hours, as usual, when I got home after bilateral total hip joint replacement and five days in the hospital. I could barely make it to the bathroom, the kitchen was a land too far. It was easier to just sleep and drink water. My BFF had to call and chew him out for not even considering that I might need to eat too. This after 21 years of cooking for him. 🙄

Hey, I wanted to let you know I have a new group on FB for folks in spectrum relationships. I would love for you to join us! facebook.com/groups/368373463920720/

Run.

Absolutely!!

I'll respectfully disagree. I don't think that partners in any relationships are able to meet all needs. Aspies/NT relationships are no different. There is give/take in all relationships.

Shania, I'm SO glad that this has helped! Thank you for sharing!

Same here. My bf is the sweetest most thoughtful, fun, intelligent, amazing and interesting man. I feel lucky to have him. I suspect he is on the spectrum but can't tell him.

We gave it a try and it didn't work, but that had nothing to do with autism. He lost interest in me. I'm appreciative of the time we had together and hope anyone reading this knows they're just as loveable as anyone else.

@@melaniem.8254 Maybe he didn't lose interest, but rather 'pulled sway' because the deeper the relationship progressed, the more he realised he wouldn't be able to meet your needs in the way you would want him to. Ultimately, fear of him being hurt and ( rejected by you in the long run) may have allowed him to withdraw from you?

Haha LOL! ;)

Thanks for sharing your experience!

I'm glad this was helpful, Melissa. :) Just do it!

You're welcome!

Hi there I’m glad you reached out in a comment. I recommend that you start with why you aren’t comfortable stating what you want and your needs. This is unrelated to your partner and rooted in your own insecurities and values. Start with where all that comes from. What you’re describing is a codependent personality that is turning into a codependent relationship. Watch some of my videos here on codependency and do some research about codependency. Your partner being autistic and you not being autistic is about being different from one another. These differences may be incompatible, but your perspective that he has “issues” is problematic. If you approach him about it as such, it won’t likely be beneficial to either of you. Is him being a man and you being a woman an “issue?” You are different He isn’t going to think and feel like you and he won’t know what you need unless you tell him. You’re different from one another, in some pretty major ways. That in and of itself is not a dealbreaker for many people, but unless you can talk about these differences your relationship will never thrive. It’s not about autism though - you will struggle in any relationship until you learn to be confident in expressing what you want, like, prefer, and need. 🙂

@@JodiCarlton I agree. Thank you for your feedback

@kate-pure I want to make sure I that I understand your question so that I can answer correctly. Do you mean in general or in our relationship (if I voice or express/voice my my needs). Suffering with what____?

Did some research, not sure how the codependent part applies but I'm open to learning about it

Stop giving your body. If you don’t know if the two of you are compitable

Thank you for sharing.

So glad!

@@JodiCarlton and we are definitely getting closer! He has now started to tease me in a way he hasn't before. I was texting him while getting ready for the day and I apologized for the pauses, saying, ''im putting on my face" and he said, "Me too" "Come again? I'm meant make up" "I have an insect head and I have 500 clones of a human male. I take off his face each day wear it as my own." *Man!* He totally played me, the naughty boy! 😉 When I saw him later at church, I played along, telling him I could hardly see the seams of his mask. I also saw him allow himself to be hugged by a gentleman in our church, definitely a sign of progress.

Also, he has come to accept the probability that he *is* on the spectrum. We were discussing our frustration that the music being too loud at church for autistics and he mentioned it was bad for ''normies* too and he asked if I saw the new Jesus t.v. series The Chosen and that Matthew the tax collector is presented as autistic (makes sense, who better to do an audit) and I think because *I* am comfortable about being on the spectrum, so is he! I hope it makes things less scary for him.

Yes, this can be hard to understand when are someone who would take action in this situation. However, this is actually a common thing for men, in general, not just Aspies. I'm not male bashing here, so please don't take offense guys, if you're reading this (and, of course, not all men are the same!). So many men, especially aspies really want the women they love to very specifically tell them what they need from them. It doesn't mean they love you any less - they just don't literally don't know what to do for you.

I agree with this reply, would just add looking into the 'fight/flight/freeze' loop that can occur sometimes

I hope it works out for you!!!

@@lucyna911 What do you mean?

It's almost Sept, so you'll have to let us know how it went. Be prepared that "in person" may be very different than "virtual."

Safe people like your bf are the best place to unmask! Thanks for sharing your experience. :)

I’m so glad you’ve gotten some clarity. Believe her. 👍👍🥰 She’s just going to show it in different ways than you’d expect.