Agreed - the balance usually requires a clear understanding of our own boundaries to which we are willing to accommodate the other person, but also being assertive when those boundaries start to get pushed.
Fundamental to any of these tips is to first understand that you're being wronged or mocked. There's a whole population of people out in this big bad world that don't even realise something is up in the first place, to even begin to consider standing up for themselves.
Especially when the individual is "too nice" and not causing a problem, but the person causing a problem drags other people into their clique of problem and want an scapegoat aka the too nice person.
When facing people who have a goal of sabotaging your reputation, it's two strikes. First misstep gets a warning shot. The second one is rude. You address it, reframe the interaction verbally in your own favor, standing up for yourself and then disengage and exit the interaction with your head high.
With that exit, Robert taught us how to deal with these types of hurtful questions. I've been trying to do the same ever since and I never had to escalate to exit, people just feel uncomfortable and they quit being assholes.
That interviewer was on a clear mission and paid NO attention to the fact that this actor did NOT want to go down that road. I love Robert even more after seeing how many chances he gave him when it was all clear from the beginning. I would have walked out after he ignored:”Are we here to talk about a movie?”
its crazy like these people either went their entire life being children never taught to be pricks or just love being toxic and continue it all the time.
@@stevewilldolt.3511 Ah yes because a fake account created 6 months ago in the comment section of the real account while trying to do a sketchy "call my secretary scam to handle your money." (Edit) looks like it was deleted good thing too.
N: n-verbal questions: a.what are you doing look(eyebrow) b. I see what you're doing here(steady and calm stare) C. Ignoring look at other and ignore question Indirect warning shot: -negative reinforcers: that's an odd question -positive; u know I really appreciate x, cause y has agenda Call-out Don't do this first "Before you start to jump a little bit, u better go to your next question" "I'm sorry i really don't: what are we doing?" Exit situation--> prefer it to be last Separating self as calmly as possible Don't have people emotionally abusing Bye
Be careful not to demand respect when you have offered none. Be careful to not misinterpret proper correction from someone with proper authority over you as them being “disrespectful” (parent or teacher or colleague or boss). Demanding respect only works when you are completely innocent and in the right - not also in the wrong or giving or causing offense to the other. People will mess things up royally because they refuse to listen to extremely simple and clear instructions and then demand respect when being corrected for obvious mistakes they have made. That is not the time to demand respect. Respect will be given when earned.
You contradicted yourself. You wrote, "... when you have offered none." Then, at the end, you wrote typical rhetoric of "respect is earned." You were correct at first. Yes, you should offer respect because it isn't something one "earns." It is naturally offered when one respects one's self in the first place. A fine example of how that old "respect is earned" nonsense falls flat is in the old misogynistic belief that women are not deserving of respect based on what they wear. I have yet to hear anyone own their words when they say, "if a woman dresses like that then why should I respect her?" Not one of them can explain 'how' they do not "respect" women based on their clothing. What they (and it is usually men) mean is, "I will use a woman's body as an object and proclaim to the world that she doesn't 'respect herself.'" In those cases, it is impossible for women to earn respect at all because respect for others isn't based on what anyone wears. It is based on respect for another's humanity. Men, on the other hand are free to play the "respect is earned" game because even if one of them is dressed like a hobo, his actions are what are being judged, not his appearance. Ironically, it is the man in the suit and tie who is usually least deserving of respect, but most people don't want to consider that reality. Men can hide behind a facade of respectability, even when they are the ones who are predators actively making sure women never get respect based on what they wear. Also, as in your case, most people do not understand what the word "respect" means. You can't "earn it" if you aren't given the chance because others have decided your clothing has anything to do with whether or not you deserve it.
@@kdphotos4691 TLDR - I don't know what "respect is earned" means to you, but for me, respect is "earned" by simply offering it at first to others. Not a contradiction, just a re-statement in different terms.
How does one know if they should respect someone until they see how they act? Just because someone is higher up in the chain does not mean that they necessarily deserve respect. It's necessary to test the boundaries and rules to see if they're actually someone you should trust with your life. That is what's happening. When you yield a decision to someone else to make, you're saying "I believe that you know how to do this in a way that is more beneficial to me than the way I would choose to do it." That can't be given to everyone. Respect is given where earned yes, but you have to disrespect at first in order to see if someone is worth respect. It's paradoxical. At some point you will become the worst version of yourself, the one you make fun of others for being.
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This is really important. You have to be willing to leave any situation, if it is hostile to you - even if you stand to gain from staying, or lose a lot by leaving, it is very important to remember that this option needs to be on the table - when it is not, that's either because you're being restrained and physically forced or coerced into that situation (which, there is not neccesarily something you can do if you are in a bad situation, whether enslaved, kidnapped, or dependent, and that is a different topic), or because your fears of leaving are inappropriatly keeping you in a situation where the truthes of staying are worse than the consequences of leaving and starting a new. Getting out is not always the answer, but it often is, and that is extremely important to drill into people, especially young, impressionable people, that they can have choice in their life, and that is so powerful.
3:18 Let's say the person being rude responds with "Oh, well why is that an odd question?" in a condescending way. What would you do then? If I had to guess, I would say you exit at that point, but I'm not sure.
That is definitely a strategy you can move to, another is to respond in some fashion like, "It's an odd questions because I'm not sure what you are getting at, what is the purpose of that question." The other person could be naïve or not have great social skills or understanding in different circumstances. Depends on how much "benefit of the doubt" you want to give. Giving them a chance to reason out their question is another way to approach it. I'd say both, and other ways, are acceptable from my view.
Then you say, "are there any intelligent lifeforms here"! A polite way of knocking them off of their high horse! Never accept or tolerate condescension and never lose your composure!!!
You just have to say that it’s an odd question to you and you’re not here to debate whether it is or it isn’t,, now have you a question on the topic please?
If they do that then you call them out. All they’ve done is hurry to the next stage. If that’s their attitude then get ready to exit because you’re probably dealing with a very rigid, unreasonable and arrogant person.
Downey's. Interviewer seemed quite clueless even to the end. As his boss I'd have offered him 100hrs of rehab social skills in a kindergarten class or resign. These days maintaining self control is less of an issue than having any in the first place. Hats off to Mr. Downey. I would have walked a bit sooner.
Well explained method. Makes sense. Setting boundaries is important to develop self-confidence and self-esteem. And you can't go too far in your journey of self-development if you can tell people where the limits are. I saw this interview with Robert Downey JR before, and he knows who he is, what is up to, and how to manage the situation well. It's not without reason he plays the Iron Man really well.
It’s difficult because these are situations where someone is being interviewed and the ‘actor’ can simply just walk out and never see the person again. Sometimes these interactions we have with disrespectful people will be in situations where you cannot walk out.. maybe like at work or in a classroom
Left out my favorite way of commanding respect from disrespectful A-holes. Because there are those rare occasions when nothing short of a good punch in the mouth will suffice.
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Apply the Golden Rule. It works both ways. Whenever we accept or tolerate abuse, we become part of the problem. Then they own you. It all boils down to establishing good morals and playing by a decent code of ethics. Play by your own rule book, and don't engage with evil people.
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The real phrase that conveys to all in the room that you are in fact the alpha is simply ... While making direct eye contact in an assertive but compassionate way .. "Pull my finger ?" But say it like its half a question and half like its a command . .. The key is Do not lose eye contact
I use my technique. If I fear an argument is on the horizon, I'll just slap them in the face first. At least then, I'll know what we're going to argue about
113Doctor would just shape his fingers, while saying, the conversation is over here, toodler🧐 A master of reading people will control the conversation completely. Making 113Doctor feel uncomfortable is the best part of the show. 113Doctor will make you BE real for all to see, 113Doctor will make you comment. No gray, just Hot or cold.
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the terms 'negative/positive reinforcement' are used wrong in this video I just learned this in my 'Social Psychology' course: positive/negative doesn't refer to the moral goodness or badness, in the psychological context of operant conditioning it refers to adding (positive) or taking away (negative) something instead 'reinforcement' encourages and 'punishment' discourages positive reinforcement is like giving your child a cookie after homework, negative reinforcement is not allowing (ie taking away (negative)) your child to go to a party unless they study (reinforcement). Punishment example: Positive: showing videos of drug-addicts to discourage drug-use Negative: taking away a ps4 controller to discourage gaming (plz stop doing that momma xd) BTW: I love your videos, especially the podcast!!!!! if you havent checked out the podcast... DO IT it's called Charlie & Ben podcast (maybe you should link it in the description)
The only thing about using all of these celebrity examples, is that it is somewhat misleading. Each person you’ve used as an example, began a conversation in a position of power, and authority. If you’re not the person with the power in the conversation, if the person you’re talking to isn’t worried about any consequences of rubbing you the wrong way, then it’s a whole different ballgame.
How do you deal with people giving you non-verbal queues that you are saying things they don't like when it's not your intention? Should you call out the behaviour and ask what the problem is?
Ok. Now tell us how to do all this when we DONT have ppl watching us so we dont look bad. NOW tell us how to demand respect without worrying about embarrassing ourselves in public
I agree with everything except when you got to the workplace talk. If you end up fired because your boss hates you then you might not have time to start over. In fact it might get you kicked out of your shelter and have you lose food. Timing when to leave can help but you need to be able to.
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I was treated very poorly for years by a group of friends. A few weeks ago I left them for a fresh start. I don't like burning bridges but I couldn't be bothered to waste time to fix my reputation on people that never respected me. I won't apologise for being myself.
@Alex B bad friends is literally no friends. the definition of friend literally demands a benevolent and positive connection. If someone just happens to hang around but constantly cuts you down and depletes you, whether materially, emotionally or otherwise, they aren't a friend, but rather an undercover enemy; a parasite.
@@mtnmotoadv that's actually a good idea, he was extremely charismatic. Think about this, this one man managed to convince an entire country of an insane ideology.
I accidentally went off on this one girl at work one day cause she talks in a belittling tone. I don’t think it was intentional and I wish I had this video before I done that.
Same. My confidence and resources increase with age. It's easier to remove myself from these situations than for example in high school from a bad teacher I'd be seing for the rest of the year or a boss in a job I'd really need. With more alternatives can stick up for myself more
it probably has a lot less to do with age than it does repetition. the more social exchanges we have, the more familiar we become with the dance. unfortunately, it's just as easy to deeply entrench maladaptive behaviors and end up actually getting worse at handling stressful encounters over time.
What I liked the most about this video is the examples during the interview! It takes some self-awareness and confidence to get to this level! Also, can’t wait to start my courses by Charisma University!
Just wanted to give cudos to you for building en entire business on this stuff, I remember when you just did one off videos here and there and you really made something of it, great job mate!
Too bad I didn't hear this years ago, I could have really used these tips! There were a couple of times that I should have walked out not because of pride but because I knew it's not right to treat someone like that.
@Yesmean Especially at work. If I don't like the direction of a conversation, I set my voice half an octave above anyone else in the room and bring up something perpendicular, "Where is so and so", "Who is ordering lunch", "I might need to duck out of this meeting early to take a call", "Can we all get copies of this handout", "Does anyone know where the thermostat is" 😅
I feel like I could’ve used this video a few weeks ago. I’m not a person who snaps but I ended up raising my voice in a situation that shouldn’t have needed it.
I loved that interview with Russell Brand. He is a master and you can see the distress in the eyes of the tv hosts like they are about to lose the interview.
Oh wow I've been doing it all wrong, apparently though I have no desire to change hahaha. When dragged into conflict, I tend to brazenly insult the one unfortunate enough to engage me in conflict. For example, when my husband's sister tried to convince him not to go after custody of his daughter because he's made mistakes in the past, I interjected and asked if she should not be allowed to live with her mom because of HER past mistakes (and said some of them out loud)...and incidentally because it was over the phone, it caused their mom to expose herself as being present in the room for the conversation after his sister said previously that she wasn't there. It was not appreciated and I do believe it made them not want to have that conversation with him ever again.
@@MasterTalks Well I'm touched by how nice your comment is. I admit I'm a bit jealous at how masterfully Jon Stewart handles the opposition when he argues but I'm definitely touchy when it comes to defending my stance especially when it comes to those I love.
This has happened to me recently (though not in these words): I said something, someone misrepresented what I said, and then... Me: That's not what I meant. Other person: Yes it is.
Would be really useful to have tips for when dealing with people over the phone, especially at the moment with so much less face to face contact and ways to get non verbal communication over!
Charlie (and Ben), I never comment on YT videos but I just wanted to say two things, one, in a world of pick up artists and misogynists looking to make a buck off the insecurities of young impressionable men, thank you for teaching our young men to value character and sincerity over all else. the lessons that you teach is invaluable and i hope you know that. we need more men like you in the world. two, i have been watching your channel for years and i rarely see breakdowns of female characters / public figures. now, I understand why you primarily do breakdowns of males given your gender and i assume your audiences’ as well, but featuring more see more female faces on this channel would be beneficial to the growth of this channel. now, whether it’s you guys doing the breakdown or another (female) face is your call but i would love to see more of that. not to mention, even from a business POV i think you guys can breakthrough a far wider audience with this move especially concidering you are one of the few channels of this sort that don’t turn off women bc of the pick up artisty vibe. regards, - a member of your female audience
Since you did a re-edit of one of your old videos, can you please do the one about “how to be the coolest guy in the room” with better explanation including the Sarcasm.
Your using examples of celebrity interviews, which these big stars have mastered. Your advice would be more interesting and appropriate if you orchestrated real world social interactions, for example at a dinner party, or at a work meeting, or an interaction with a passive/aggressive family member. The difference, the way I see it, is most rude behavior in the real world, from an adversary, is done in snipes and fleeting comments. Something to think about, I have watched a few of your videos, and while many actors have unique communication skills, using them as reference -- for example -- on "how to command respect during conflict", is typically not very realistic advice for your average person.
Be yourself. Its that simple. And never worry about what others think. Because the tips in this video won't work on people who really hate you. Just go ask President Trump.
3:20 those were both positive punishments tho...... Positive doesn't mean good it means an addition (from the word deposit) and they are punishments because they influence a person to stop a certain behavior (while reinforcements would reinforce the behavior)
Reinforcement= Increasing the behavior in the future. Punishment= Decreasing the behavior in the future. Positive= adding something to the environment Negative= removing something from the environment.
Would you consider doing a version of this for email or social media? I feel like people are so much more passive-aggressive when they can't see the person they're talking to
How to stand up for yourself - Virtually: 1) N: Nonverbal - Put hand up to webcam 2) I: Indirect warning - Type into the chat and share a brief thought 3) C: Call out - Unmute yourself, look directly into the camera, be bold and say your piece 4) E: Exit - Sit back, breathe and listen or Click the X on the top right 😂
I’ve been on both ends of this scenario. Sometimes you try to tell someone they’re doing something wrong but it comes out like belittling. I use to be made fun a lot in school and at home, so I developed the bad habit of just be mean before they’re mean to you. It’s definitely something I’m working on
I appreciate being corrected. It can be scary, though, being corrected in a way that feels like a personal attack when it really isn't. Do you have tips for what to/not to do when you NEED to correct someone but they are sensitive to genuine criticisms?
i do the exact same steps but the last step for me isn’t leave but knock some sense into them. Helps a lot when you have trained mma for 4 years, My dad has always told me since i have been little “Walk softly but carry a big stick”
@@cangryang3609 sorry boss i was probably just having a bad day but i can assure y’a i dont start fights in only end them but i’m sure there’s videos of me getting ko’ed out there somewhere 😂
I don't like videos with too many of the office aftereffects. Offices are not like that in reality - they are full of self absorbed, passive aggressive people 💂♂️
Another benefit of the UBI. You always have an exit strategy. A fundamental thing that could change soooo much. But i bet it is also one of the reason people are afraid of it.
I wish you could do some videos on “Ted Lasso” tv show. I think it is one of the best tv shows recently that explores themes of leadership and communication in workplace and life in general. Thanks for you work!
It may not bother anyone else, but I have been following this channel for a long time and it seems to me that recently the videos keep getting more and more ...🤔sneaky, for a lack of better description at the moment, on trying to get people to join your university. I am always going to keep following you. Your information is gold. However, it is extremely off putting to ME the constant reminding that I need to join the university... if anyone follows u they know what your about I just really don't like how the invitation is getting presented anymore. I'm watching a video and with no warning I am listening to u sell your product to me. I personally respect a solid transition into listening to the sell. But I completely understand what u are doing and u are doing it well I just don't think u need to be that sneaky about it. Kinda seems like an attempt to sell to me. Thus, feels like an attempt at manipulation. Love u anyways 💓 lol possible I'm trippin but im not special so im sure im not the only one that feels as such.
How to command respect during conflict: when you have to pass gas, place your hand over your button and release. Slowly raise your hand back to your nose and say "everyone loves their own brand."
Did you know there is a German channel with nearly the same content than yours? I just want to make sure they don‘t copy your channel. It‘s named Charisma auf Kommando. I just wondered because it‘s a really small channel and you never link them and they never link you! I think it would be important that they see this, so like maybe or post the same thing than i did!
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