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1. I will treat myself with dignity and I will demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me. 2. I will set clear boundaries, and make known to others, what I regard as permissible and acceptable behaviour and what is out of bounds. 3. I will not tolerate or abuse or aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally. 4. I will be assertive and and unambiguous about me needs about my wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant I will be confident and firm . I will not be selfish or narcissistic. I will love myself and I will take care of myself. I will not compromise myself. 5. I will get to know myself a lot better and all the time. 6. I will treat other people as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of safe self example. I will not be naive. I will be vigilant and I will maintain my well-being. 7. If I'm habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored or breached. I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chances, will be my maxims of self-preservation. Sam's Rules/Resolutions.
Happiness comes naturally from the inside. Never seek happiness outside. The only thing you can get outside is gratification. Do not confuse gratification with happiness. They have nothing to do with each other. You could be the most gratified person on earth and not be happy. And you could be the happiest person on earth, living in a barrel Diogenes. Happiness is slow, steady, safe unfolding and becoming, not ephemeral pyrotechnics or fireworks. It doesn't just happen. It never depends on anything external. It can not be bought. It can not be sold. Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of affairs. So there's nothing you can do to your external environment that would affect your happiness. Happiness is self love and self acceptance without grandiosity, selfishness and narcissism. Happiness flowers in the least expected moments, brings to life the moory land and refreshes the stale. Happiness is being in lovingness at once. Nothing is more sad and lonely than casual sex in order to feel less sad and lonely. Nothing is more sad and lonely than gratifying yourself in a variety of harmful ways. So don''t. Nothing is more deceitful than brutal honesty, it pretends to offer empathy and succor, but it's mere camouflaged sadism. Nothing is more vainglorious than false modesty and pseudo humility. Nothing is more hateful than the ineluctable spiral of love. Nothing is more wrong than being right all the time. Nothing is faster than life. Nothing is slower than dying. Nothing is more attractive than the self sufficient. Nothing is more repellant than the clingy and needy. Nothing is more corrupt than conformity. Nothing is more noble than being oneself. Nothing is more dignifying than honoring other people. Nothing is more hopeful than what we already have. Nothing is more blind than merely observing. Nothing is more deaf than merely hearing but not listening. Nothing is more present than the past. Nothing is less certain than the future. No gift is greater than a smile. No harm is more deleterious than rejection. No risk is grander and no reward more substantial than to live life to its fullest or neither crave in the foolish stole death, or suffering, or scepticism as some form of bravery, or wisdom, or growth, or development. It is not. Life is about shunning, supressing, fighting, eliminating and erradicating suffering. Reality is in one mind alone and what is out there is solely what we make of it. ~Sam Vaknin
"Reflect upon the Past. Embrace your Present. Orchestrate our Futures." --Artemis 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ "Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind’s journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul’s fate revealed. In time, all points converge, hope’s strength re-steeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, We must see all in nothingness... Before we start again." 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ --Diamond Dragons (series)
What if at age 51 you realized you exist for the first time ever? I sat journaling, isolating and digging in myself after experiencing a relationship that nearly actually and literally killed me, mind, body and soul, to understand what has happened? How did I get here? What is here? Who am I? Who was he? How can I move forward and be sure to not let this happen again? All that was left was a hollow shell of me. I had no more fucks to give. Completely drained and sucked dry. All I knew was that my choices in life have taken me here. How the hell did I go so wrong because I've never been mistreated I've had the perfect childhood?! I've never journaled in all my life nor ever asked myself questions about myself. After doing so for a couple of months I Suddenly saw myself as an individual and it scared the living hell out of me!!……… It was one second to the next second in a shift to being suddenly conscious!!…What have I done to myself and my life?!? What have I done to others?!? A tsunami of guilt and shame came over me and this time without any protection at all. Nowhere to hide. No boat. No life raft. Nothing. No shelter. It was like thousand cuts all at once. I saw only one solution and that was to off myself because I already had nothing more to give. I've made so many mistakes and don't function properly and I don't know how to function other than I have and I don't have the skills to repair or function otherwise and the guilt and shame felt unbearable. So I went to find a solution how to off myself without it having a negative impact on my parents or my children. I went googling to see how it impacts children and parents before I did anything so I wouldn't cause anyone any harm and it was devastating to see. So I came to the conclusion that I can't do that I have to find a way through this and become a person that I can live with and for them to be proud of because I will not knowingly subject my beloved ones with unnecessary excruciating trauma and guilt that is not theirs to bear. Now that I've watched Sams's videos I've realized that I've been a codependent. I didn't get to individualize as a child. I've lived my life through others. I haven't had boundaries. I haven't known what is me and what is others. I have let myself be absorbed by my partner and been highly attuned to their emotions and needs and acting accordingly to keep the peace to not create a disturbance or conflict. I have suppressed my own emotions and needs to problem-solve and to keep the peace. I understand now that by doing this I've been fake and manipulating because I have not been myself. So I have lived in a fantasy. I've had no self/ego or a very weak sense of self. I've only been in relationships where the partner is unavailable and I've realized that I am unavailable too. I've always been in a “relationship” all my life. For the first time I've decided to live alone and in celibacy at age 51. Done that for 2 years now. Working on myself. I have trouble finding motivation to do anything. Even things that used to I love. I'm just existing in a dissociating trans. I have no one to clean the home for. No one who expects dinner or food. No one who needs help with regulating their emotions. I don't have to be available to sex. I don't have anyone's schedule to adapt my life after. I don't have a pet to shower with love and attention who will wake me up when they need me or to give a walk etc. I am free but I'm completely lost and scared shitless. I didn't know that I was dependent for others to acknowledge my existence?!?! Others describe me as strong, independent and very brave.😂 So what is fantasy and what is real? I have realized that I am a separate being now at least ….. I've never been more afraid in my life. Did I manage to do the transformation of Separation, individuation in the adult life? Is that possible? I have taken conflicts and established boundaries for myself with the relationships I wish to nurture and keep and taken constructive criticism from them and honor them. I have ended relationships that have been self-destructive. The Reconstruction of my relationship with my mother and father has been a trip on its own and has taken its toll but the gain is that I don't live life through rose-colored glasses anymore and work on accepting of what is real instead. What I now know is that I don't have a safe mother or father. It was all conditional. So how can I find the primary narcissism, the healthy narcissism to be brave and explore the world to my fullest? Where can I find my self-space to run back to when I get scared as an adult? Shall I and must I find that place within myself as an adult or shall I search for an external reliable source of safety who can mirror my idealized version of me?..No those doesn't exist… and my mother is not an option. Can an adult person be this person for themselves? I can't even look in the mirror and see my reflection… According to others they seem to like the way I look but I don't care. I've never liked mirrors. I don't see their importance. My bf looked at himself in the mirror all the time to search for flaws and spoke them out verbally shaming himself but I didn't see any of the flaws he spoke about. I loved him fully as he was. He was perfect to me. I still can't look at me in a mirror. I don't understand how people do it. I admirer people who can look in the mirror, se an authentic view of themselves and just go for it and love the view of themselves. No matter size, beautiful according to society or not. It is admirable and impressive because I don't know how they do that. Wow! I wish I could do that too. There must be many of us who didn't get to separate and individuate as children. Maybe most of us? If you look at a bigger perspective and how the world functions. We self-destruct and destroy the very planet our survival depends on. So they say narcissists can't be cured but the other side of the coin is codependent with the same core/childhood wounds, undeveloped human beings. They stay and function as a toddler, parantified child etc. If they don't wake up and change their behavior? So I wonder Sam, is your conclusion that neither codependent nor narcissist can't change? Because if narcissists can't change the correlation between the two mean that the codependent can't either? There are so many questions and I don't know what to do but maybe you have the answers. We know very little of all the complex beings on earth, ourselves and universe. According to history we have left the stone age but I think if Earth and humans still exist 200 years from now they will consider us extremely primitive, self-destructive and lost in our brain controlling us with its mostly destructive, compulsive and repetition patterns instead of us being consciously in control and mostly doing what is good for all life to thrive.
This video just healed me. 😭😭😭😭 I'm crying, I'm 4 months pregnant, Narc left us, baby and me, we're seeking for child support thru a lawsuit and it's a hard process in this country (Mexico) Emotionally, it's been hard but easier living without him. I always wake up to your videos with tea and brekkie. You just gave my heart a hug with your words😭😭😭 THANK YOU🙌🏼 🫶🏼
I just left a narcissist, I bent over backwards because I was happy and she was fun at times. But so abusive with the silent treatment and punishing me for trying to communicate. She had no impulse control and I hope one day she decides to get help I was tired of waiting to be treated right. I even told her she could mess around with other people and as long as she was honest but nope. The sad thing is it doesn't matter who they are or what they look like as long as they are good supply. Sucks you aren't in North Carolina 😊, good luck with moving on. Stay strong !!
Professor Professor Professor I want to tell you how you have played a role in this beautiful ride of mine so I will honor you by sharing your enriching , enlightening and whole hearted insight . I am clean and sober as well as no contact. I am however loving with my narcissistic mother . I am seeing her fade away and it is pathetic and soul wrenching . I am seeing her as the sad existence she has become . One sister is homeless and using, one is dead and here I AM .
Codependency has all the behavioural traits that sabotage one's life and relationship with the Self. 😢 Fortunately, I have healed from this disorder, Professor Vaknin, my therapist and self-help books enabled me to understand my past and overcome this disorder. 😊. It took me 20 years to heal but will always work towards Self Realisation. Professor Vaknin is right, in order to heal one must Surrender and accept one's present reality and not to control it. Let the path appear and show thr way to heal. Yes, he's right, not to fight the process and ask the correct questions. Be humble and open minded and reality guide you.
Did you know when I watch you I see why I'm attracted to the one who radiates pain ? I see you're efforts to remain on this side . You're work is spiritual for me because I feel what you don't say. I have an extreme urge to tell my story and yet I don't know if I can in one lifetime .
“Informed” is the operative word in this video Doc. I was uninformed for 30 stinking years, I trusted this serpent. 5 broken children and 1 hollow shell. I sure did contribute to the dysfunction towards the final end and I’m disgusted with myself for it. End of the day though he destroyed his family and life.
Hi from 🇦🇺 Thank You 😊 I’ve been unable to get back to my reality I had to quit my job and feel now so much like him It’s like he took the good out of me and left me with the bad and he took my character with him as a mask For the next supply and the hurt in me is turning me into him, if that makes sense 😢 I’m a shell 🐚 of my former self and I used to be a pretty cool person with substance and depth
Get back to being you. Narcissists do this. The best thing you can do in my opinion is get back to being cool and regain your substance and depth. Love yourself and realize this situation was only a life learning lesson. Self love is the key.
Wow! This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of, the missing piece to be able to take my next step, something was holding back like an invisible wall. I was reluctant to go on a holiday and leave my company for even 5 days, feeling guilty, and now I’m looking forward to go to my desert. Thank you so much!!
I like how you've touched on killing the core part of yourself so you can't enjoy what you've wished for. It kind of reminds me of having children. I love them but I love having a few hours to myself at night, it gives me time to miss them and when I miss them it makes me more grateful for them and gives me time to enjoy them
Thank you for this. My last relationship was certainly fantastical. He also worried repeatedly about me over-analysing. Both you and my therapist have now said analysis in a relationship is healthy. Still healing and yes, no more faux relationships…so many good points you make.
Your advice is one of the most important things in my world prof Sam and I thank you dearly for it .This post I will be listening to again just to make sure I heard it all. Thank you very much .
@@Hotlips313 when you are being sexually used as your seeking love you are not respecting yourself. Don’t kid yourself on it’s not a desperate measure to gain some kind of love your just lying to yourself. I knew someone who lucky to have kids now as she had every sexual disease known to man or woman. She’s lucky she didn’t become infertile. Be honest with yourself you pray every time you sleep with someone else that they will contact you again after it then you must feel like crap when the don’t Lie to yourself.
With all due respect, you are the most healing person with identified narcissistic traits that I have ever heard. I am presently evaluating myself to determine exactly what that says about myself. Nevertheless I am grateful for your personal opinions and advice. They bring in a refreshing light to the truth without being brash. However, acknowledging the importance of transparency beibg taken seriously.
As I look at my youngest son with his fiery copper hair I am in awe that I have made it this far . I am in inextinguishable love with me as of now . Seriously the last 30 days have been ineffable and spiritually shifting . I do roll with radical acceptance and "put on new lenses" every morning HOWEVER , I am not depressed and it doesn't consume hours of "our" time . I am his mother and a wonderful person with the strength of legions . Thank you Professor, thank you.
Prof Sam you are a Godsend, i have spent my whole life trying to find answers to many of the issues you have raised in this presentation and you have provided me with invaluable solutions that i am deeply indebted to you for, thank you so much.
The things Sam Vaknin says really resonates with me! ☺️💕 Its not easy to find good advice in the sea of information but I feel like Sam’s perspective is often deep and challenging! ❤️
OMG - Prof Sam - you have truely outdone yourself this time - the first 24 minutes of this video is exceptional - you are absolutely brilliant as well as handsome 👍🏼
Thank you so much Sam..You have helped me so much look within myself.And say Yes! I see it .Thank you for giving so much time to helping me and so many others.❤️
Most informative video for young and grownups Too good information These are crucial and valuable points one should know as you grow. I am highly thankful to him for his lectures.
True If people are educated by social / public awareness programs the point “ in a relation hurt is part and parcel of the deal” this is the crucial realization point one should be aware of
Does anyone know how you find your motivation, autonomy, self-efficacy and agency when you've been a co-dependent for all your life? 50y🙈I have now chosen celibacy and solitude. I have many reasons to stay alive. My children, my business where I help both humans and animals. I have lost all agency after a relationship with a diagnosed cluster B for 5 years. Does anyone know how to go from co-dependent to a self-sufficient being living the time of their life? You go from everyone else being the drive of your life to you and there is nothing. There must be a way to live your life and have a drive without anyone telling you what you are allowed to do or not! Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you for the video, it helps a lot and makes total sense from beginning to end. Just one question left here, more for selfwork and practising reasons: its good to test ppl like mentioned at 12:00~ strangers could be predators. Where is the difference between being hypervigilant and therefor selfdamaging overthinking behaviour to just being cautious and a bit supersticious when it comes to new people/relationships? I hope you keep up the precious information videos and contributions forever, for it makes most sense, best stuff I ever consumed^^
How can I be humble, meek person without becoming into toxic narcissist with huge ultra ego, no matter how much I've changed (either big or small but depending on) after glow up, making new friends, new hobbies, different environment or other external stimulations?
The Ripley in Truman show thing was really good - just started watching Dream Sequence from 1993 - of course since reading your book cant help but see it everywhere but seems really condensed here - kind of even baked in to the title in a way. Stars James Spader but the main narcissistic personality is about his female partner making up an artsy past or something , confabulation you say? Look it up...I would if I could spell Hebrew - was concieved in Isreal goddamnit!! - maybe my parents will know! Must ask! if not im gonna sample your voice and put in voice recognition software to get to the bottom of it ha.
Well said Sam as usual. I just want you to know you've taught me a lot of things of which I wish I would have known earlier in life. I appreciate you putting it all out there. Why don't you run for president of the United States of course I think you'd make a great one, I'm serious.,
Can you explain why we are prone to making the same mistakes our parents made ? Choosing abusive partners like our mothers did and how does the shared fantasy with our abusive partners relate to our mothers? Not from the narcissist mind but from the mind of the abused.
