How to overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect | Kati Morton 

Who would've thought 3 years later, the perfect video for me would show up in my recommendation. It highlighted just about all my problems with my family growing up. Everyone was constantly fighting, and my brother would harshly bully me. I never had anyone to talk to or be cared by, and it made me feel so pointless.

I refer to my upbringing as, "I wasn't raised, I was housed and fed."

One of the things I’ve learned is don’t confront your family about these emotions. They’ll just undermine you and try to spin it so they’re the victim.

A couple years ago, I confronted my mom about my mental health issues. I was in TEARS telling her how much I was struggling and how hard it has always been to open up to her about anything in my life. Her first reaction was to laugh at me........as if I was just being dramatic and making it all up. That is when I realized I wasn't crazy and that this shit stems from childhood.

Welcome, the well-behaved, non-troublesome, good kid! Nice to see you here

So there are parents who hug, comfort and have empathetic conversations with their kids...wow.

My parents often say that I was such a well behaved child. It's more like I learned that no matter what I said or did to get their attention it just didn't matter so I learned to not even try. What they saw as well behaved was depression. What they saw as being low maintenance and introversion was social withdrawal.

I used to pride myself on how independent I was, how much I didn't ask for things, how quiet I was for a kid, how I didn't bother my mom, now I realize, I was being neglected... it's not my mom's fault, they had to keep two kids alive on a low budget. I was just old enough to understand that, my brother got his attention, I didn't.

It hurts even more when you’re siblings weren’t emotionally neglected, but you were.

Childhood Emotional Neglect turned me into the anti-social, comfort zone addict, autopilot king

I wish everyone that's suffering could all have a pizza party together and realize that we're not alone :)

My mother undermines my traumas by talking about how much worse her childhood was. I never felt validated until college

The fact I had to search this on RU-vid whilst calming down after crying says a lot

When you realize that your parents caused your social anxiety and now berate you for having it 😀

As a social worker, I find that emotional neglect leads us to believe that our emotional needs are just wants, luxuries, or rewards. This is not true. We do in fact need emotional support.

I’ve finally found my people. I always thought emotional needs made me selfish but now as I realise the reason why I can’t even love myself or get mad at peoples opinions, I start to understand it stemmed from childhood. Reading all these comments make me feel safe and I hope that anyone who sees this and struggles with the same thing heals and is filled with abundance of happiness and joy. I love you.

I was taught my negative emotions were unacceptable.I always feel shame when I feel angry, disappointment, sorrowful, fearful, overwhelmed, resentful or jealous. I am practicing making room for these feelings and acknowledging them and not thinking I am selfish, ungrateful, bad or annoying because I have these feelings.

This has left me quite damaged. I can't even be in a relationship. Friendships are so difficult. I feel useless and like I'm a burden.

I never had one person hug me and tell me that everything’s gonna be okay and that hurts.

I grew up with a single mom suffering from depression. She refused to give me hugs and would call me annoying when I talked. Her feelings were always first and I've struggled to trust people with my feelings and thoughts. I feel less lonely reading everyone else's experience 😊

My half sister told me my neglect is a grudge I just need to get over so I cut her out of my life. Don't let anyone minimize your trauma by telling you neglect isn't abuse.

This comment section is oddly comforting.. I feel less alone

I specifically remember how my mom mocked "you want to be hugged? Are you still a toddler?" Years later now, I see how cruel it was to say to a child. How selfish, how evil.... my friend even at the age of 26 hugs and kisses her mom like a baby. But I lost that emotional dependency from the age of 7.

Physical fights between my parents and emotional neglect were so prominent in my upbringing and affected me in a terrible way, I did not feel safe at home and I was bullied at school. So i took to the streets at age 16 to start doing drugs as it was my only escape. Im 25 now and I am finally done with being a victim, I am in control of my life and my actions and only I can change my future, my feelings and thoughts matter and nobody else needs to recognise them. I am confident I am on a path to true happiness within myself. I wish the best for everyone going through similar issues.

1. Track your feelings 2. Describe the feeling 3. Notice your needs 4. Practice self-care 5. List what makes you feel nurtured 6. Accept help and support 7. Set healthy boundaries

It's really funny when a parent that never gave you emotional support says: ,,Haven't you ever thought about MY feelings?"

I'm not sure why but, I've never been comfortable sharing emotions to my parents.

As a young adult I’m learning I can’t force my family to understand me or my feelings when they don’t even try.

Emotional neglect turns you into a loner incapable of having a normal relationships with other people. My mother was a block of ice my entire childhood. This is almost as bad as actual physical abuse, but the emotional bruises never go away.

I was fed, clothed and attended school, and yet I don’t have a single memory of being comforted or being kept safe by my parents. I’m 58 years old now but I still have memories of the neglect. Some of it was seriously bad, like the time when I was 10 years old and I slipped on ice and broke my wrist. I got myself home and told my mum but all she did was shout at me and told me that I was lying. She sent me to bed without supper. When she came to say goodnight to me sister (we shared a bedroom) I told her again that I had hurt my wrist really bad. She just said shut up and stop trying to get attention. It wasn’t until the morning that she realised I was telling the truth. I’ll never forget that night. The pain was unimaginable. Even in the morning when she realised her mistake, her main concern was to keep that mistake secret from my father and siblings. She made me stay in bed until she had gotten the whole family up, breakfasted and packed off to work (dad) and school (siblings). She then attended to me, got me dressed and took me to hospital by bus - the pain on that journey as the bus bumped along the road nearly made me faint. When we got to the hospital I vomited with pain, at which point my mum scolded me for creating a scene and she apologised to the nurses who had to clear up after me. As I was waiting to be x-rayed and treated I’ll never forget what my mum said. She told me that if I told the nurses and doctors that I’d broken my wrist the previous day then social services would take me and my siblings away from her and she said “and you don’t want to be responsible for breaking up the family do you?” As well as being in unimaginable pain I now faced the responsibility of keeping my family together, so I lied and told everyone I’d slipped on the ice that morning on the way to school. After my wrist was fixed and in plaster she took me home. Not once did she even hug me. I remained alone in my bedroom all day and when my father got home I told him the same story. He was furious with me. My dad had a terrible temper and he was mad at me for causing my mum to have to take a day off work to get me to the hospital. This is one of my worst memories but sadly such neglect was very common in my family. I wasn’t the only child neglected by my parents. My parents died in 1997 and 1998. Ironically, when my mum was dying, I didn’t hesitate to move back home to attend to her needs!!! Figure that one out! My whole life has been one of attending to others needs and often neglecting my own. Until I met a wonderful man who taught me what real love is. Sadly, I lost my beloved soulmate just over 5 years ago, but I will never forget the time we had together. That time eclipses all the neglect. Today, I feel pity for my siblings, stuck in the ways they learned from our parents. But my life is so much richer because of one person, who loved me unconditionally and made me feel my own worth.

I grew up with emotionally detached parents and it makes me feel like i'm constantly suppressing myself, it's almost like i fear being the real me and expressing my true intentions and emotions cause i feel i will be judged and critizised, i will get through this though, i will find a way to solve this internal conflicts and feel free at last

I’m 35 and I have struggled with this my whole life. I’m just now finding out it was my childhood..,never being hugged, held, or comforted at all when I was young and so desperately needed it. This is spot on. I learned to suppress my emotions and I have always thought “I don’t matter” “my feelings don’t matter” ….looking back I have never talked about my feelings. I’m learning to say things now like “I am sad” or “I am upset” and it’s been really helping. I tell myself my needs and feelings do matter. It’s so hard but I have hope. Thank you for this video!!!!!

31 years old and I’m just figuring out what I like and who I am. Better late than never I suppose!

"You were always so easy, you always managed everything by yourself" is one of the most dominant things from my childhood. I know my mum didnt mean it bad, cause she had a lot of trouble with my brother. But it hurts me a lot how little i was cared for because i was a silent, shy and "easy" kid.

My parents always were there for me when I was successful at school, but absent when I needed emotional support. I was punished for showing emotions, even positive sometimes (as my dad hated me being loud and always told me that showing emotions makes me less credible or whatever). I grew up into having NPD and anger issues. I dont mind my mom, but I keep distance from my dad even today, for my mental wellbeing. He's getting even more and more bitter with age.

Watching this for me, growing up was so lonely and a really sad time for me. Knowing my young children will never know the sadness I had growing up has been the most rewarding parenting experience for me. We don't have all the expensive items but we are truly rich in family love and value each other deeply. I know my kids will become phenomenal parents themselves because everyday I show them unconditional love, I am their biggest supporter and they know their father and I will always be their safety net 💕 the cycle can be broken. Love and happiness to all who reads this.

I love that she says “we” and not “you”

Why i dont want to have children. Even though im aware of this id be scared I might raise my kid the same way

My wife’s parents are so supportive, kind, caring and positive it’s unbelievable to me coming from a narcissistic father and neglect. My wife of 11 years taught me how to be a good human. She’s brilliant human. My mum was good, but had to deal with my father who dominated the show. 🤗

I think it’s worse when they do this to you but you still love them unconditionally

Imagine being emotionally insecure as a 7 year old as a result of emotional neglect, and then being constantly attacked for being emotionally insecure (stop being so weak, you're too sensitive, no one is like this, there is something wrong with you, stop crying or I'm going to devalue/hit you). It's like breaking someone's leg and then yelling at them for not being able to walk straight. Thinking about it now makes me angry. No matter how much pain I was in as an adult, I never attacked a child when they were feeling weak. Never even occurred to me as a reaction. That's when I realized that behaviour truly wasn't normal.

the fucked up thing is that emotional neglect isn't realized until you are an adult. I now kind of resent my parents. My parents never physically abused us, and we always had food on the table and roof over our heads. But that was the extent of our relationship. They never did anything with me. We never went to the park. We never went to anyone else's house. We never talked. We never even introduce our friends with each other. We have an outing as a family once every six months or so. We go to the mall once a year to buy school clothes. Many weekends, I spent the entire weekend at home doing absolutely nothing with no one to talk to. I was never encouraged to socialize. I don't want to resent my parents because as they got older, the are starting to change for the better. But part of me feels bitter at the fact that I have a tough time socializing with people which has really hindered what I could accomplish as an adult. The neglect stays with you for life and shapes your life drastically. There will always be an empty feeling inside.

I remember feeling pointless and lonely at the age of 5. At that same age (and throughout my whole life), I tried to understand my bully and even comforted some of them when they were left by their friends... As a young adult now, I feel furious for little me for being treated that way, but I also want to hug the little me for being so wise for her age...

My older sister once said to me that I basically raised me myself cause our mother was so busy providing for us financially. I was also told „You’re so mature for your age.“ Thanks it’s cause I had to grow up quick and now at 22 I only know how to care for others and not for myself. But I’m going to therapy and have come quite a way I think. I wish everyone who relates to this video the best🙏🏻

Looking back I've never really talked to my parents about anything that is about me.

"He's such a good boy." "He's just shy." No, mum, I terrified of you.

Sucks being 28 years old and still being emotionally 14… lost my mom when I was 13 and haven’t talked to my dad since I was 12 and I have no idea where he is.. you described me perfectly.. Never had a healthy relationship with a family member or a romantic partner.. let’s just say life has been hard and stressful..

One thing that doesn't get talked about is that OFTEN (not always) it's not the parents fault either. Yes, what they did was toxic for their child but they weren't consciously doing it. They weren't given a manual on how to emotionally fulfill their children. They learned parenting from their parents and so on and so forth. Recognizing this helps you to not see your parents as enemies

I’m so messed up because of this. I can’t even have a healthy relationship. It’s destroying my life

My parents were never there for me emotionally. They showed their love through money and gifts which I really appreciated when I was younger... but now being 23 I’ve developed anxiety, depression and PTSD. All I’ve wanted all my life was just a hug or an “I love you” someone to be there for me. Now I have such a hard time showing affection... and I bottle everything up.. it’s so hard for me to open up.

I’m trying to get into therapy, but to prepare for that eventual and approaching reality, I’ve been doing my own kind of dive to try and figure out what’s going on. The best way I’ve been able to describe it is “it’s like I’m going through my angsty teen phase in my twenties”. I resent my parents, I don’t know who I am, I’m not even sure if I’m where I supposed to be…

My mother had me at 21. All I ever heard was “you ruined my youth.” When I wanted to go to nursing school, my father said “you’re too stupid and flaky.” I’m 52, and those words still reverberate in my head. You hit the nail on the head when you said CN would end-up in abusive relationships. I’m divorcing my 2nd physical, emotionally, and mentally abusive husband. I’ve forgiven my parents, however I will remember those words forever. I have MS, which makes anxiety and depression worse. I limit my contact with my mother. My daughter sees in her, also. One video/song that illustrates my childhood is “Believer” by Imagine Dragons. If you notice in the video, the child is taking notes on what he witnesses. That was me. I took notes in my head as a young child on up to adolescence. I didn’t want to be like my parents….no mother is perfect, but I believe I gave my children the love and affirmation they deserved.

Reading comments literally made me cry but now i know i am not the only one to suffer this way

I am terrified of people. I desperately want love and respect but I cannot trust and do not believe I am going to be repected. I have sabbataged my whole life.

I remember as a kid being treated so badly by my parents i would just go to my room and cry for hours and not once did my parents come and ask me if i was ok.they did the exact opposite and hurt me more physically and emotionally.i hate both my parents and just feel sorry for them now still learing to heal thanks for the video.

I am 23years old and today is the day I have discovered that I have been emotionally neglected by my parents 😮

Hi Kati and followers! I'm Dr. Jonice Webb (a psychologist). I coined the term "CEN" and wrote the first book about Childhood Emotional Neglect, "Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect." When I published the book in 2012, CEN was completely overlooked, even by mental health professionals. My goal was to make Childhood Emotional Neglect a household term, and seeing this video shows that we are making progress on that!

The "Its okay to say no" was so hard for me for so long, I've always felt like i needed to prove my worth with obedience, and this was a hard wake up call.

I never thought I'd find in one video complete bingo with all my traumas. I thought it’s normal for a family to act like that, but now I’m so mad I was being neglected all of my life. It’s not only my mom, it’s also my grandparents, it’s my uncles and aunts, my already adult siblings and cousins, they all treated me the same when I was just a little child - ignored me when I tried to join their conversation, pushed me away when I tried to hug them or showed their annoyance when I asked to play with me. I grew up with loneliness and beliefs that it's okay that people don’t want to interact with me, that I’m not interesting\good enough to ask me how I spend my day or actually listen when I want to ask something. And now in my adulthood I’m struggling so much with a lot of things that are actually very simple for others.. But all of this comments with similar to mine stories make me feel a little bit better, because now I know it’s not only my problem and I’m not lonely at least in this

I've done a lot of work on me and my upbringing. I had emotional and physical neglect, plus sexual abuse from a very early age. As a result of all the trauma, I wasn't there in a healthy way for my kids. I have now packed up and left everything and everyone so that I can live with my "single" adult son in a different state. I am choosing to help him heal from the emotional neglect that I had learned, and passed on unconsciously. Defensive behavior, I'm learning, is a huge symptom as well. Thank you for the video. Very helpful! I love Journaling. It's gotten me through so much!

Her: do you struggle to know how you feel until the feeling is so overwhelming that you can’t even manage it? Me: bursts into tears

Being neglected made me think that I wasn't worthy of support. This has been the reason why I've been slow at succeeding & reaching my goals. I've been focusing more on making everyone else happy..thinking they would make me happy in return. but I learned that happiness, love & support can be found within us & we should give that to ourselves.

My coping mechanism is thinking about untimely death. It brings a bit of joy thinking I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

You know as a man it’s really hard to understand how I really feel and it took me a long time before I admit that I had a sensitivity matter. I just want to say thank you because you have explained in a couple of minutes what I struggled to put in words for 20 years. I feel understood for the first time and not judged. Now it’s time for me to work it out ✌🏾

I think this why some of my childhood memories are shut down and I can’t recall any loving moments from my parents. I can only recall the rejection or put downs. Thanks.

I have searched for the affection I lacked in childhood my whole life. Letting men walk all over me. Now it all adds up

After so many years of receiving the message that “I don’t matter very much”, it feels really good just to be validated that this stuff really matters and that my feelings actually matter.

1:48 Kati, you took a danger and pierce me right through to my soul. This, this, this. I had every material thing a child could want and it distracted me from the fact that I didn't have love. I'd trade every material thing of my youth to have emotionally available parents and friends.

My parents Didn’t deserve to have me, thanks for the video I needed it today

My chest is so heavy right now. All those years coming back and crashing down.

This makes me feel better. The neglect I experienced as a teen was expressed to me as criminal neglect by multiple psychologists I’ve worked with. But the damage still shows decades later

My mom is bipolar. Her mood could be drastically different from day to day. I used to be scared of being yelled at for everything. I felt as if her mood affected my mood. My empathy comes from that. I feel like I’m still that kid waiting for someone to blow up on me. Waiting for someone’s mood to drastically change

I think because of the emotional neglect I've experienced when I was younger, I now over compensate. I constantly am over sharing and possibly scaring people away.

I wish I could come and give everyone a warm hug...and have one myself 😭... that's what we all need...I started crying reading the comments...and thinking of everything happening to me😭

This video really reached out to me. I realize I was seen as a outsider my whole childhood due to how my father treated me. So, this video really helps me realize that not everything is my fault, nor that I’m a villain.

During my childhood my parents didn't stood up for me for my support. I was being bullied at my school. I felt alone..there was no one with whom I could share my problems. As I passed class 10th I was kept at hostel for further studies and there also I faced lots of problems, I was being bullied at hostel too.but my parents were not with me whenever I needed them. Whenever I tried to share my problems with them, they used to laugh at me instead of trying to understand me. Till I completed my studies I had to face every problem alone. My parents never tried to understand me. I was very good at painting since childhood, even my teachers used to appreciate for it. They advised me to attend art school so that I could improve further.,I told about this to my parents but they didnt took it seriously and left it unnoticed. They were financially strong but they never noticed my talent and my love for painting. Now I stand on my own feet but they never appreciated me for my work. They were busy looking after my younger brother and elder sister always. I often felt neglected coz I was a middle child.

Now every time someone tries to show affection to me I’m just “TF U DOING?😳”

Once my aunt found me crying and she actually hugged me... And actually wanted to know what was wrong. That's the most affection I've gotten from any family member.. I just pushed her off and walked away. I wanted to let her hold me so bad but I just didn't know how to react. It didn't feel normal. I felt so uncomfortable. Especially since I was 18 at the time. And my dad was always a angry man I thought we men weren't supposed to be hugged like, you know men aren't supposed to be vulnerable. I never had anyone to teach me otherwise since my mom left when I was 2 and came back when I was 17. 2 years later I still wish I could go back to that moment to feel that affection again. (it wasn't sexual at all, it just felt nice like emotionally)

It took me years, late in my adult life to realize why I'm so emotionally damaged. Its like a domino affect also. More emotional trauma is caused because of past relationships. Also caused havoc on my second marriage because I didn't know how to handle all my past trauma. I just locked up and built walls for years. Now I am heartbroken cause I'm losing my best friend and the love of my life

I wanna cry just by reading the comments

Just realize i was emotionally neglected as a kid while high on weed. Now everything makes sense. I have never been in a relationship or understand what love feels/ looks like . I always felt empty, alone and bored, I really envy people with a big family and does family things. Every time there is a holiday I hated looking at instagram because I'm jealous of it and I also don't understand the point. Dam, realizing this is making me feel alot better.

Sometimes l wish l could just go full out crazy and tell my parents how f ed up they were. It's just too damn easy to have babies and destroy lives .

I am 20. I am being raised by a narcissist controlling Father. This comment section makes me realise- there are all kinds of people on the same journey as me. I feel less alone yes.

My childhood was constantly me telling myself that I'm not good enough for my mother, stepfather or friends...Now a days I feel like my friends are getting more and more toxic now and I still can't stop thinking of what happened.

My emotions were neglected as a child. I was taught not to cry and when I tried to express my emotions to someone close to me I was immediately invalidated and told I was always the problem

I was always told by my mother growing up “oh you never got bored. Even when you just played with yourself, I always found you deep within your imagination playing with yourself. With your dolls or your toys. You never seemed to me like you were bored as a child”. Hearing that many times, I viewed my childhood like that. That I was a happy, never bored , filled with imagination child. Maybe I was... for some of the time. But now that I am an adult I can also see some gaslighting there. Maybe not intentionally - but it’s there. I was lost within my imagination, because I had anxiety. I was alone a lot. I had to find a way to be happy. And within my lonely bobble I developed OCD around my room. My room became my safe space and I got to be in control there. My mom couldn’t emotionally manipulate me there. My dad couldn’t reject me there. I slipped into a mental illness and my mom saw that as “never bored”. Maybe, spend time with your daughter? Talk to her every night how she feels? Maybe don’t make it all about YOU mother?

I'm about to burst into tears just by listening to you. It is so hard to trust others; leave aside or negotiate with that little voice who maintains us in fear of being rejected. It is so hard to feel that we cannot rely on no one, even when they're caring and sweet, because our mind says they will learn to hate us at some point, and we need to be prepared for it.

my parents cared a little bit when I started to get depressed and everything, but now they just brush it off of their shoulder because they are just used to it now.

I've always felt like there's something off about me. I never really knew what it was. This video made me reflect on myself... Maybe this is it? Now that I'm older I've realised that I don't really know myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life, what I care about or what I like. I'd always just like the same thing as the person I was hanging out with. Growing up I was never really allowed to have friends over, so outside of school, I spent alot of time by myself. I still do to this day. I have a really hard time asking people for things, even asking to hang out with me. Maybe because I'm scared of rejection, maybe I never learned how to... I'm really lonely. Really lost. Working a job I don't like, but taking every extra shift I can because being home alone is worse. I'm miserable. But maybe I'm not at fault. Maybe I'm not useless. Maybe I just need help. If you took the time to read through this, thank you

I feel like a lot of parents don't even realize they're doing this (They probably had the same thing happen to them.) I mean look at our current parenting system of reward/punishment. It's literally set up to cause this.

1 minute in and I’m already crying because I never feel so seen. I struggle so hard with friendships and relationships. I also struggle with being outspoken for the fear that people wouldn’t like me. I hate myself sm.

Things are usually never one way or another way-the all or nothing trap. This means that most emotionally unavailable parent(s) were not completely absent emotionally to a child(ren). It also means that 1 child could have had their emotional needs met by the parents, and another child, within the same family, their emotional needs were neglected by the parents. Finally, it is impossible for any parent(s) to meet all of their child’s emotional needs.

I started crying 3 minutes into the video, it’s as though you actually know what I have been feeling and struggling with for years.

I find that when I open up to my family and boyfriend about how I feel, they completely dismiss my feelings. My boyfriend, who is quite talkative, goes completely silent, which kind of explains why I am still with him after almost 7 years of emotional neglect. He is just like my parents! Now, that's an insight!

i love everyone in this comment section

I cried so much listening to this.

When i would cry at a young age i would always get the response “what is it about this time” or “stop pouting that doesn’t fix anything”

Oh the miracles of modern technology. I get to watch an insightful video from a licensed therapist right from my home for freee! Thanks a lot Kati! Very helpful.

It took me 44 years to realize this. I’m now 52 and I’m grateful to my therapist and me that I have been able to acknowledge this and learn to deal and live with it.

It never goes away. It's a lifetime thing.