@@Ash-zh5ygJesus, if you can’t criticize without defensiveness happening, no wonder. Criticism is essential because we will inevitably have negative reactions to something the other person is doing. The key is learning how to ask for the space to bring up things you’re dissatisfied about in your relationship WITHOUT letting the tendency to be defensive destroy the chance to find the truth. If criticism can’t happen in your relationship, you will never have a happy long term relationship. And if either partner can’t resist the urge to be defensive and rejects seeing things from the other person’s perspective, then withdrawal is inevitable, and the seeds for contempt are sown and the relationship has received a wound that is likely going to run its course to contempt, which means the relationship is over. But really, the ability for a couple to be able to criticize without fearing defensiveness has been the key to my current five+ year relationship being so happy.
You'll find one if any part of u wants to, the average person has like 6, if u try to put yourself out there socially in anyway then u'd be suprised how many people u meet
My Mother gave me the best advice before marriage. "It helps if both people are a little blind and a little deaf." Meaning, you don't have to respond to every grumble. And you don't have to call out all their faults as soon as you see them. :)
I’ve been with my wife for 21 years and we’ve never experienced any of these. We’ve had issues occasionally but nothing like this. Makes me appreciate what we’ve got.
And I bet some of these things have happened like “harsh setup” his example was “we need to talk” how can you not say “we need to talk” in 21 years…he may be a professional but he’s also wild for that.
@@danielrivera1833 I’m pretty sure he meant the tone. There’s a difference between “I think we need to talk about _____”, and “HEY, we need to talk”. The problem with the harsh start-up is beginning the conversation a) on the offensive and b) assuming you’re “right” about the argument.
Made me realize my 47 years with my late husband were pretty good. We never went to bed mad at each other, had lots of laughs, and while we were totally different people, we always supported each other. I have always felt blessed to have had those good years. We had rough spots, but we continued to work together to get through them. I feel you need to have a deep love and respect for your mate, for a marriage to last.
That’s awesome. I’m in a marriage that’s tenuous at best, full of hostility, but I’m taking the abuse so my kids have stability. I’m a child of divorce, so I know that’s worse.
@@throbbinwoodofcoxley6830 Bless you, but you also need to think of yourself, your own happiness. Your kids won’t be better off for living with 2 parents who aren’t happy, kids pick that up pretty quickly. Good luck to you and your family.
@throbbinwoodofcoxley6830 I don't know your situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt. Try to be a good servant to your husband. Sit with him and discuss what he seeks from you so that you can meet his expectations. Let him know that you wish to make him happy so that happiness sweeps into the entire household. Figure out what he considers disrespectful so that you can avoid disrespecting him unknowingly. Submit to his will in regard to leading the family. If he is truly a good man, this should absolutely turn things around if you are consistent, persistent, and genuine about this effort. It could truly create a beautiful home life for all of you. God's guidance can also help both of you in this endeavor if that is something you both wish to pursue. Again, I do not know your situation. I wish you the best of luck with the situation you are in and hope y'all figure things out for the best.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold
25, still lots to learn. Ex broke up with me of 4 years. We were both the problem, but I definitely take most of the blame, and that’s OK. I had a lot of trauma and got sucked into my own problems and neglected hers. She really put up with a lot towards the end and finally broke it off. When she did, she was shocked for me to say I was proud of her. I’m in a new relationship now, with 4 years worth of knowledge from a single girl that really felt like several different types of relationships.
I had a serious relationship with a woman who would regularly start fights and basically open up the "discussion" at an intensity that was at least a 7 out of 10 every time before I even knew what she was upset about. Even with time and experience, it was extremely difficult to remain calm and composed when someone is intensely attacking you and being very emotional before you even know what is going on. I tried talking with her about this, but it never made any difference. Feels really good to have my feelings and thoughts validated here.
Some people are just broken beyond repair. I don't want to be that guy, but you should have realized early on that there wasn't anything really worth salvaging. Never try to fix a woman, only guide her. If she can't be guided, she's not the right one
The fact that arguments are really about connecting is probably why it is so dangerous to get in the middle of someone else’s argument. They are done when they feel connected again, but the outsider doesn’t feel that same resolution
We went to counseling, not for our marriage but for struggles from the outside that had a negative impact on both of us. The counselor told us we would be fine and weather the storm together because while hard times split many couples apart, ours only brought us closer together. Love and respect. Forty-three years and still going strong. Thank you Lord for this wonderful man, imperfect like me, but wonderful.
I've got a peach of a man. Hardworking, kind, loveable. But when he is home on weekends he just sits around, even if there are a million things to do. Because I love him I have let that go because I know there are worse things than just sitting around. We all have some flaws, it's just whether we are willing to get past it.
@@doodlebug59he is probably tired of working in weekdays and it is your responsibility to take care of him in weekends, massage him, cook for him, make him happy ✔️
@@doodlebug59 If he's hardworking, kind and lovable he's not "just sitting around" on the weekends. He's doing what he needs to do to be the man you love. Pressure him on weekends with great caution, his "flaws" may not be flaws at all.
My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
I think they were both just really young and confused on what they wanted in life and after testing the waters came to the realization that they were made for each other. As far as how long it took to make it work. Couldn't tell ya. I was very young at the time and it's all kinda blurry.
@@swappedoutZ71 stfu. You know what is number one cause for fights in marriage? Finances! So when men do not earn enough they are stressed and more likely to fight with their spouses. Dont act like men dont like money smh
"The thing is NOT the thing!" I love it, because you're absolutely right. I've been with my wife for almost 14 years and this is very true. Once you reestablish the connecting and repair what's going on, the squabbles don't really matter. Great wording.
I’m not married but have had close friendships that have dissolved 😔 these are spot on and I can see that i contribute to these failures by not addressing issues at all.
1. Harsh startup 2. Defensiveness, contempt, criticism, stonewalling (4 horsemen) 3. Flooding 4. Physiological distress...aches, drinking 5. Bad memories... Interpret past badly 6. Failed repair attempts. Fighting isnt a problem. Failing to repair is. 7. Marriages never resolve their fights or come to a common understanding. Fight about whether you feel connected.
Malachi 3:5 And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and 👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 3:5 And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and 👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 3:5 And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and 👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant!
it's especially hard too if you suffer from alexithymia AND an interoceptive disorder. Alexithymia makes it hard to understand what I'm feeling, and the interoceptive disorder means I'm not well connect to my body and don't understand it's signals or just DO NOT GET/FEEL THE SIGNALS. with adhd/autism I live inside my head. I notice my body when things get intense. did you know hunger doesn't feel like your stomach is churning and it hurts and you feel weak and it's growling and you're shaking and feeling like a nightmare? yeah that's way past normal hunger. I didn't know that. idk what normal hunger feels like, only when i've gone over 12 hours and start turning evil. i also have to press on my bladder to tell if i have to go or not, unless it's an emergency i can't tell when i have to pee. my emotions are SO MUCH all the time or NOTHING. i get flooded a lot w emotions, i can tell a lot is happening but can't tell what they are, just that my brain is firing a lot of alarms. inside my brain is like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but nothing to decipher what unless it's super obvious.
I have autism as well, and various jobs/things in life made me fairly defensive when I'm depressed/low gas tank. This is bad for marriage of course, so I've spent a lot of time working on changing that neurological response. I take everything literally and have a fairly logical mind, but I use that to my advantage. When I think she's being critical of me, I logically think it through to change my perception of what she said even if my emotional response sense something different. Since I have started doing this, I'm not longer coming off as defensive towards her (and most importantly, she's not perceiving me as being defensive) Sometimes you just have to critically look at yourself and everything around you and train yourself to be fine with being wrong. Over time, that's led to some great life improvement for me
After moving to college and out of my parents' home, looking back at my parents' marriage. When I lived there I've mostly disregarded all of these things listed and simply marked them as what a marriage is and that this was normal. Now as I have somewhat detached myself from the situation and looked back at their marriage critically with a better understanding of how relationships should go, I am quite amazed that they are still together for the 20 odd years they've been together. They always seem to be at each other's throats and the tension between them is certainly unhealthy. Really looking back at this, I've noticed how much damage has been dealt to myself by being in the middle of such a tumultuous relationship and I've taken the steps to start and fix what I didn't even know was wrong with me, to try and be better than them and learn from their mistakes. I want to make sure to end the generational trauma with me and ensure a better future if I ever decide to have a family of my own because the last thing I want to happen is to make another me, the future generations always deserve to be better than the last.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
There is no miracle in bad relationships not ending with a divorce. And it is not always about some kind of psychological trauma. Some people are just too petty to bear their life on their own.
Look, if they are still together, don’t worry about them. They are fine. If they hated the way they are to each other that much, they’d be divorced already. Try to spin it in a positive way: unlike 50% of couples now-a-days, they actually take “till death do us part” seriously. Old school. Good for them.
Something small about this video i really like, whenever he’s mentioning a sign, it’s always directed at YOU. He’s sort of subtly telling you to address your own feelings before addressing the other person, which is a really good way to look at it. Great video.
All of this applies to any kind of relationship - not just the one with your spouse - I’ve gone no contact with my parents and sister - and a majority of these points were my experience - I have a beautiful family in my wife and son - the key is and has always been mutual respect - no one’s perfect - mistakes can be made - but the ability to say sorry is healing magic (for the most part)
I'm so glad that, although not having a good relationship with your old family, you managed to have a good new family. Cause I also have many problems with my mother but I'm dreaming of marrying a girl I've been talking with for some months and building a good family and you just showed me it's possible 🙏🏽
Your parents and your sister may be extremely difficult, but you should still try to be available for holidays and to help them when appropriate. If they are really abusive, that is one thing, but if they are just irritating, than it is wicked to especially cut parents out. Honor thy mother and father and consider their upbringings and circumstances as well.
@@cindyoconnell2471 understood - in fact that’s what I’d tell myself - that I’d be wicked to cut my family out of my life - I forced myself to remain in a toxic situation with them at the expense of my emotional health - I’m 40 years old today - I was 26 when I was physically assaulted by my sister - I had some minor cuts on my face - my parents pretty much took her side long story short - see it’s not just one incident - that was a very big straw that broke the camels back - for decades before this I’d be subjected to angry lash-outs or criticisms for anything I said or did that rubbed her the wrong way - lectures on how I’d end up being a loser was a daily occurrence - the weekly dosage of silent treatments - I had to tread lightly on the eggshells in her presence else I’d be punished - with my parents I had a monosyllabic relationship with my father - every attempt I made to converse with him was shot down repeatedly - and I was adamant to get his “approval” - I longed for the kind of relationship my sister had with my Dad - I wanted the long conversations about life, love, politics - I was made to feel unworthy of that dynamic. I had a loving relationship with my mom until she completely did a 180 on me after I got married - she once asked me to visit her by myself and spend some time with her - while my wife was 7 months pregnant. I could go on and on with this topic - the longer I dive into it - the more upsetting it is for me to relive some of this stuff - the fact is I feel healthier and happier without them in my life - I do miss my mom’s cooking, watching movies together and many other little things - but I feel those things come at tremendous cost. To your point - I’m certain - my extended family very likely think I’m wicked for cutting my parents and sister out - the reality is that I have never felt more confident, complete, loved, validated and respected in my life before this - I’d never dream of going back to what things used to be.
Saving this in my “important” playlist. I’m not married but in a relatively new relationship and i try my best looking out for any issues so that we don’t leave anything unresolved. This is really helpful. Thank you so much!
The only difference between a marraige and a relationship is if you paid fees and got paperwork from a county clerk and then paid someone else to say some special words and sign the paper. Its still a relationship, just one which requires more fees paid and massive loss of money to exit from. I've been married twice, my girl is in the middle of a divorce and neither of us have any interest in being married ever again. We have a great relationship with great communication and full honesty. Its a lot better than our marraiges ever were.
For me it all boils down to respect. If you respect your partner and they respect you, you can work through just about anything. I’ve was divorced after 15 yrs of marriage and there was no respect in either side. I learned from this and met a kind caring man that I truly respect. Now I’ve been remarried 25 yrs and it’s going strong. Any issues we have (which do come up from time to time) are resolved by simply talking through them….mutual respect, plain and simple.
The only thing worse than getting divorced when those are present is not getting divorced and going on like that in misery. I’m talking as a child of parents who didn’t.
A 5 minutes length video, solved 5000+ thousands of marriage obstacles. If you just avoid these 6 key points, you're living a happy marriage. This right here is a life-changing content.
the whole point is not avoiding, is overcoming. you WILL face those problems and you WILL feel the urge to act that way, just don't ignore it, overcome it
As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
My parents display all this behavior, which helped me realize growing up that I want the exact opposite in a relationship. I'm now engaged to an amazing woman, and I reckon I already have had more joyful moments than my parents. I know it takes a lot of focused effort to make a marriage last, and we're ready for it.
My parents were like that. They were in the contempt stage haha - for all the years that I can remember, growing up, and for decades after that. They didn't divorce though! Only death parted them. It's because they belonged to a different culture and a different era, when divorce was a scandal. But when I think about it, there were other reasons including financial reasons, social reasons (they'd no longer attend things as a couple with other couples they knew etc.) and I think a kind of mutual emotional co-dependence, and simply being stuck in the status quo.
I sometimes wonder whether it's a privilege to be a child of a toxic marriage. I know all the red flags beforehand, and would like to believe my marriage will be devoid of them, but then won't my children perhaps fall into their grandparents' mistakes?
@@Mew__Actually most children of toxic parents grow up to be toxic themselves. So it’s a rare triumph to grow out of that and gain maturity. Eventually their kids would be able to understand what a loving marriage is like, one that has healthy communication.
Here's an important thing I've learned: - It's inevitable that you and your partner will sometimes hurt each other's feelings. - When we're hurt, we feel small, and it's natural to have the urge to retaliate by making the other person feel small. - The lasting success of your relationship largely hinges on how good you are at recognizing and suppressing that urge. IMO most of the danger signs in the video tie into this basic principle.
There's a 1975 book by Sheila Kessler titled "The American Way of Divorce: Prescriptions for Change." She was absolutely spot on about the patterns that lead to breakups. Another thing I would recommend before you are married is to take a careful look at the relationship your love interest has with the opposite sex parent. Whatever it is, they will exhibit the same behavior with you.
I will just corroborate this; I hated how my (now-husband) ignored the requests of his mother I had trouble when we were leaving and he'd not do the thing etc and she was very nagging and annoying and I vouched I would not be the same FFW, that's thee only thing that works on him and I'd rather sleep in a clean house after a day of nagging and being annoying than doing everything myself.
You’re correct about what type of relationship they have with opposite sex parent….my ex and his mom major issues…my husband now loved and respected his mom❤️
I don’t agree. One of the reasons I married my ex husband was how well he treated his mother. Turns out they were in a psychological marriage and when she decided she didn’t like me she would manipulate him into abusing me and the cycle never ended until I left. It was a switch, with me he verbally and physically abused but the moment she was around or called he melted. So no I don’t think it’s always the case most unfortunately. Sometimes that closeness is pathological if you look closely.
@@AT-eu4zu Either way you’re agreeing that people should carefully analyze the relationships that their partners have with their parents. Guys having a psychological marriage with their mom is not the norm.
My parents had a very dysfunctional marriage and showed all of these signs! Its encouraged me to take responsibility for my own emotional state in relationships and be self aware enough to try and not project things on to others. Its hard work but i hope that as a result I can have a happy and healthy marriage when the time comes!
Great video! My sweet Mammaw, who was married 55 years to my granddad, (and not without times of conflict) told me to always try and remember, when I was angry, how I felt when I first fell in love with my husband, think on his good qualities, and be willing to forgive. With the Lord’s help, it has worked for almost 44 years❣️ We have gone through some very rough times, from unemployment, bankruptcy, serious medical scares, and the loss of 2 of our 3 precious adult children(most recently the devastating loss of our ‘baby’ 36 yr old son on July 4th, 2023). Though battered, our love and respect has grown for each other. Very thankful❤️
Forgiveness is a powerful tool to heal the pain of the past. Not excusing or tolerating people, but actually forgiving them for what they did that was wrong.
I’ve had all of these with my marriage in 2020 except contempt and stonewalling and didn’t even realize it. Going through Covid and pregnancy with postpartum depression all at the same time took such a toll on our marriage. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until seeing this video! Going through such a rough time just showed us how resilient our relationship is and definitely gave me a new found appreciation for my love for my husband. So glad we’re getting better and stronger and now have 6 years under our belt!
Similar story with my husband and I. 2nd baby in 2 years, 3 months postpartum, husband and grandmother both end up hospitalized and nobody but me to visit them and take care of our 3 boys solo. Grandmother passed away. I mistook my medication thinking it had the same schedule as the previous dose when it didn’t so I was going cold turkey off some intense stuff. Basically a living nightmare that threw our entire lives off the rails. And we came out the other side so much stronger 🙂 whenever we’re having difficulties now, we both think about how “if we could get through that, this is a cake walk” 😂 We celebrated 5 years last March ❤ thanks for sharing your experience!
When females behave pretty much all relationships get better. Sure men mess up..but in this modern era women have too much and stupid idea of freedom and "me time".
Thats why its important to have a partner that can be coached. A coachable partner is someone who can take criticism, will not be defensive, and won't stonewall you because they want to learn and grow as well. Having said that, if your partner does make a mistake you should not snap at them for it because they will not want to speak to you and flooding, defensiveness etc. will happen.
Stonewalling is mostly not a real disinterest but a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. Could be from harsh criticism, flooding by the partner, being made into the bad guy, missing the communication tools or self-confidence to express their side of the story. I have seen it with my parents where my father would close up after a relentless attack by my mother. My father closing up, resulted in an even stronger attack by my mother, because she did not felt heard. Which mostly resulted in my father just going out for a walk.
@@ashleyann1763 yes, it was the best decision they ever made. As a child I did not like it, but in retro-perspective I wished they had done that much earlier.
I think you understand the cycle very well. Did they ever get help to break it? Most people have to try a few therapists before they find the right one for them.
If you had a mother who behaves like that, Ive got news for you-shes not ever really happy. Women who just attack attack attack are narcissists or emotional sadists who can only feel content in schadenfreude when theyve dragged someone down to be as miserable as they are. I'm sure your father is much happier, though.
I agree. I’m very happy at five years into my current longterm relationship, as opposed to the eleven year failed marriage. That marriage went through all the negative steps mentioned here and I was left bewildered as to what happened when my partner turned our relationship, seemingly overnight, into a horror story. The “rewrite history” step is a terrifying one when your partner does it to you. My current partner and I have gotten very good at clearing the space to talk about anything we find dissatisfying about our relationship, and we’ve weathered some intense things that would have made our previous marriages crumble. I’m very proud of her and this video will help us refine and improve our communication even more. We want to avoid the pitfalls that ruined our previous long term relationships.
Tell your spouse even the little things. This is more for pretty much every human in general, when people come to you with a problem, that is rarely the real problem , It is just what broke them and got them to the point where they spoke up. Having a headache, and not saying anything to the other person might seem like you're upset with them, and once the mind goes down that rabbit hole, it can start a fight that never needed to be. Nothing should ever be a surprise. Transparency is absolutely essential. Acceptance is another key to happiness. Acceptance doesn't mean you like, or agree with what's wrong. It just means that you acknowledge that it exists and there's nothing you can do to change it so you make peace with it otherwise it will chew both of you up.
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have fought, sometimes harshly. But, we learned how to fight without hurting each other. We've also come to realize that we would rather both lose the fight instead of hurting each other, it just ain't worth it. We still disagree on stuff, but try to come to a consensus through discussion and talking out each side. My wife has given me final say in some decisions where we were unsure of what to do next, and if it turns out badly she has stopped saying "I told you so" like she used to. Again, it's not important to be right, it's important to protect each other and look out for each other. We try to lift each other up, and challenge each other to be better, but we are also okay with each other the way we are. We love raising our two sons, spending time with family, going hunting, and playing video games together. We enjoy each other's company and are best of friends. I feel very blessed to have found such a great woman.
Those aren't actually the correct four horsemen. I was astonished that he got them wrong. I remember my teacher back in second grade told me they were Death, Famine, War, and Conquest. Sometimes they vary slightly, but those weren't even close, ha.
@@orangepeel1773you’re thinking about the four horseman of the apocalypse… he is referring to the four horseman of a troubled marriage. One is from the Bible and one is a catchy phrase to help you remember the four signs of trouble
Fighting because we don't feel connected is so true. As a kid I got used to not being important to anyone, being neglected and just left to my own devices. When I feel disconnect in my marriage, it's difficult to jump out of that feeling and to realise that it's not true anymore. I need to work on myself more.
You are already starting, as you have admitted that your past is/ was moulding your adult self. That's good, keep observing yourself and you Will heal slowly but surely.
If your are showing other signs of BPD as impulsive behavior you should be assessed by a psychologist for BPD. Feeling neglect and not loved in childhood is a big starter for BPD.
4. Physiologycal resonates with me. I have a chronic back pain. Any time I imagine being divorced and free the pain goes away. I do look at my relationship as a burden I carry.
As others did, I found this video very interesting and loved the advice. It struck me as a real-life elaboration on the "quantum of solace" concept by Ian Fleming which (broadly) proposes that the survival of a relationship between two people hinges on that minimum core of compassion, humanity from one towards the other. While it's a fictional concept, it helped me immensely during a few crises in my relationship by reminding me that even when we're angry and frustrated at each other, ultimately my partner and I are fallible human beings and deserving of compassion. A few times it honestly saved me from the temptation of being vindictive or cruel towards a person who I love very much. So I'm very happy to find this video which presents that general idea in a more scientific and actionable way.
This video only tells you the diagnosis after it's too late. Respect each other from the beginning, be slow to speak, don't go to bed angry, be quick to forgive. Don't lie to each other don't commit adultery these are things that God advised to help in your relationships.
Actually dealing with problems rather than just "getting over them" is so necessary. A counselor referred to it like taking out the trash. A disagreement is like a bad of trash, you can put it in a corner and forget about it but someday its gonna burst open and stink terrible. Take it out and get rid of it. Reconcile the relationship as soon as possible. I find that hard a lot but its so good in the end
My keys too my healthy marriage. 1.Communication 2. NOT raising voices in an argument. 3. Give eachother space. 4. Trust. 5. Don't put eachother down/no name calling. 6. Once argument is resolved...you're not allowed to bring it up again. No specific order. But literally, if you don't have these 6 things in your marriage...good luck 👍
No one could live by this for long, number two for example, if you feel compelled to shout at your partner, is a good indication you're with the wrong partner
@strake750 I disagree with that. There are no two humans in the world that won't argue with eachother after living under the same roof. You've argued with your mother, you've argued with your father, you've argued with your siblings, you've argued with your best friends. It's going to happen. And sometimes you will want to yell. But I will say that if this is a common occurrence that you feel compelled to yell at your partner. Then yea, most likely you're with the wrong person. And most people are unfortunately.
My first year of marriage was the worst. I was ready to leave many times. Then I decided that we were not going to fight even if all we talked about was the weather. So I started with that. When he came in from working I’d make small talk and I did my best to respond pleasantly. The other thing I did was to decide there could be only one boss in the marriage, not that I was a door mat but more that I recognized him as the head of the household, the main decision maker. It actually took pressure off of me because then he was the one responsible for mistakes too. It helps that I married a good man! We’re celebrating 40 years of marriage right now.
Wow - just gave me PTSD about my previous marriage. 23 years of banging my head against a wall. Ugh. Seriously, good video. Honestly after that relationship I thought I was just broken when it came to relationships. 12 years into a my new marriage I have found that is not the case at all. I am an extremely fortunate man with an absolutely amazing wife who I admire, adore, and can’t believe what stars aligned to bring this woman into my life. This video provided a good reminder of that other, darker, miserable path.
I suffered severe physiological problems when being with my "unhappily married" parents and it took me 10+ years to recover from them. My parents of course dont understand it. I swore to myself that I'd never be in an unhappy marriage. I just got married to a loving guy so yeah its possible to be finally happy and healthy.
wow, how did you do it. I have bad relationships with both of my parents who frankly they are abusers. And I've always been worried. I would end up in a situation like there's.
With you there! For years and so many doctors never could pin point all the internal pains, ibs etc. Glad you have found someone and are healing ❤ Do you still keep in contact?
This is one of the best videos about marriage I have seen so far. Clear and simple, easy to relate. Wish everyone can see it before starting a relationship.
@@SuperSyro1 Hmm, depends on which values you are speaking broadly about here. He values Chevy while she is a Ford person… relationship is doomed from the start!😂
I love that at the end and the last part itself is not just apologizing but actually working it through. It’s 90% of the time not about the issue, it’s about the disconnect on the issue and other aspects
Most of this is easily avoided when both parties are focused on moral, financial, and communication compatibility rather than just sex. Have the important conversations early on, date with a purpose, don't prioritize sex while dating. That can and will seriously cloud your judgment. If people would talk about the important,non-sexy things a lot of this can be avoided.
The physical stress in a relationship is so real. I threw up every day for a month in my last relationship, and I think I had about 10 kidney stones throughout it. I haven’t gotten kidney stones or chronic nausea since we broke up. Crazy!
I was married, my first wife. We fought tremendously, for the 1st 6 years and through faults of our own, for the last 6 years. 6 years in the middle were not bad. But after my divorce, I learned a ton and knew that I could not do that again. My current wife and I have been married for 7 years now and even though we have had a few disagreements, we have always loved each other and always seek to come to some understanding. We both know that neither of us seeks harm or control over the other. So we resolve our issues. I feel like I have won the lottery. And we both feel like the luckiest people on earth.
I’ve been separated close to a year because of issues similar to what you describe. It’s so hard to look another person in the eye and say it’s over, and you want so badly to believe you can make it work. Never thought I would end up in this place. Also the questioning of could we fix and have a great marriage, or am I delaying the inevitable and potentially missing out on a more fulfilling relationship.
For many people it takes finding a good marital therapist, and you may have to try several before you find the one who is right for your marriage. Look for a "Discernment" counselor if you can to help you decide what to do.
So much of this just boils down to treating your partner like a human being worthy of respect and care. Both people in the relationship deserve to be treated as though they matter, that their thoughts and opinions are equally important. I often think of #1 as "coming in hot" or "picking a fight". Don't do that. That's not an attempt at communication; it's just an attack.
My marriage got so bad that I developed neurological symptoms including nystagmus. The Cleveland Clinic spent over 2 years of tests thinking it was MS and denying my insistence that it was stress. It finally went away when I left him and have been happily divorced for decades!
My gf has alot of baggage from her ex, he was the type of guy that never means his apologies and makes her out to be the villain. Unfortunately its created a sense of mistrust in her. Ive expressed how hurtful it is to me when she assumes the worst or doesnt let thongs go when she says she forgives me. She thankfully understood how I felt and we're working on it together. Ik very pstient with her and understand that she was in an emotionally manipulative relationship. But we CANNOT let that dictate what ours will look like. Whenever we get to step one I sit with her and talk about it as long as we need to talk about it. An important part of being the man of the relationship os rational level headedness and I learn that every day.
Honestly the main problem is a lack of respect, if you respect someone you don’t disrespect them or their boundaries. Respect precedes and facilitates all good things, then communication, vulnerability and forgiveness. We have to be human with each other, and love each other as humans:
and the sponge off until they are saturated and soak in it for a year (Separation period) and when it runs dry they are ready to move on to the next one..
The part about reconnection being the actual need in a fight explains so well why if something unexpectedly interrupts the fight, like an amusing turn of events, causing the couple to laugh together, or perhaps a small emergency like a microwave dinner setting on fire, causing the couple to spring into action together, the anger can evaporate so quickly after that.
@@Druze_Tito Yea, if you're so pathetic you can't better yourself and accept that you're just as shitty as every other human from a fundamental perspective. It's a cop out, giving up, lethargy, apathy, fear of growing pains.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
Showed this to my wife - I knew our marriage was good, but we agree that not a single one of these things applies (as in we do not do any of these); but we're gonna store this in the back of our minds to ensure it stays that way! Nice, succinct and clear - thank you!
Seriously, what are you gonna do besides whine on youtube? Come on man. Pick your head up and think a positive thing. Do a positive thing. Take your wife/husband out to a park. Pray to Jesus for healing. Try a new restaurant. Try couples yoga. Try whatever new for something.
@@PolishBehemoth I bet you are not married. Otherwise you wouldn't talk like that. It is much more complicated than going to a restaurant or yoga and find a solution. Especially if you have kids, it is not an easy decision to get a divorce.
I think it's important to note that most couples face some of these issues from time to time and as long as both appreciate the relationships it can be resolved and improved. Focusing on my own needs and psychological health really helped to re-estimate my marriage and shift the focus. Although it's a never ending process
Yea, thats the thing, as long as you respect one another and are willing to work on things, you'll always come out solid. A relationship/marriage, is essentially a working partnership. You can't be partners if only one person is running the "business" it has to be 50/50.
There's a book called Blink which goes into this and a lot of other examples of ‘thin slicing’ - definitely a book that everyone should read, essentially he shows that this ability to quickly make judgements based on subtle information happens with almost every decision you make and thoughts you have and usually unconsciously. It's an amazing read.
It's about common respect. Many oeople stay in marriages because of being trapped... money, kids, family. Ending a relationship is hard! Much easier sometimes to ride it out. I'm 53. Riding the wave.
If you can still be relatively happy (or just content) while riding the wave that's good. But if you're miserable while riding the wave that will crush you.
Be your own inner light. Be attentive. If you are not good for yourself, then who will be. Honesty and openness (especially towards yourself!) will save you
And finally, you reach a place where you're older and all you want is peace and quiet more than anything else. Having an emotional conversation is something you don't want at any cost so you just walk away, into your own silent world.
I’m going through a divorce with a narcissist so there is no going back there as you will never be able to connect whether you want to or not. Run 🏃🏻♀️
The same method to recognise break up can be used with the friendship also. I didn't know that there is a study about that but i have used it whole my life to predict and it actually means i rarely be disappointed. It is gonna be good for you, use it.
Disrespect ends relationship. The one who is contemptuous dismisses, exploits, and rejects the other and the one being disrespected tends to feel hurt, angry, resentful, and withdraws usually. Sometimes they fight. The always break-up unless there are elements of necessity, dependence, and masochism that are sufficient to keep them together.
Wow, I’m grateful I can sense these things without needing someone to teach me but also good to hear another perspective validating my “knowing” that certain people are gonna get divorced
My mariage has none of these, and definitely feels rock solid. Our WORST time was at a point when stonewalling occured regularly. We've been able to push past that together. Now the relationship is cruising. It makes everything in life so easy. I wish all of you who struggle with relationships, to reach such bliss one day.
That's why I seek someone who stays calm under pressure and hopefully we'll be compatible. I don't believe in "opposites attract". I want to meet someone very much like me.
I have been this, my partner also. We fought our way through it, in a good way, by working on ourselves and our own issues. And we are still together. You are actually describing people who have suffered from trauma in their childhood. And that has happened to a lot of us
I watch these kinds of videos to hold myself accountable. My boyfriend has an amazing way of communicating and doesn't bottle things up and I know I am very lucky to be with him, because most people are more like me. I'm not the worst person at communicating because I don't bottle things up as much as many people do, but I don't communicate as lovingly as I'd like.
I have also seen this happening between teenage/adult children living with a single parent - so perhaps this is actually more of an interpersonal familial dynamic, rather than something specific to divorce...either way, rather sad. It rarely leads to a good outcome.
@@JustAnAverageWoman69y’all will lie about love for 2-3 years to secure a baby and a marriage so you can turn around and divorce to take the house half his assets, half his retirement and still get child support. There is no choose wisely, y’all are wicked and the government enables y’all to literally body slam a man financially 😂 y’all go into marriage with a plan b man already picked out and this financial insurance policy in your back pocket. It’s a crazy world we live in.
Im not married but in a long term relationship. 10 yrs. We have most of the same issues as a married couple. This was so accurate its frightening. When someone starts the conversation with a criticism theres nowhere to go but down.
@@meghanmisaliar i see. Its not marriage at all. Nothing is like marriage. Ive been married. Ive lived with someone and ive had companions. Nothing is like marriage. I dont really know what to say accpt maybe its good you dont live together.
You can walk away if you're married -- especially as a woman. (not to be sexist, courts just favor women when ti comes to parcelling resources) I also find it obnoxious to say that a 10 year relationship is "nothing like a marriage". Communication problems would be similar in a marriage and a 10 year relationship.@@BrittJoshua24-15
As someone who has been raised by divorced parents and is currently in a long, healthy relationship, sometimes the problem with bad relationships isn't the couple's interaction with eachother. Sometimes it's just how one of them or both of them are as people. Sometimes the only thing you need to improve in a toxic relationship is yourself. And sometimes that's not fixable because if you improve yourself you're bound to become a different person which your partner might not catch up with. And in that instance divorce may be necessary. Unfortunately due to the large stigma of divorce, a lot of couples who should be apart are not and that causes harm to not just them but people around them.
Fighting to be connected. It is very relatable. I have experienced it with my girlfriend, now we are on the verge of getting married. All she wanted was to be more connected with me but I had interpreted things differently. Try looking at it from a different perspective. It does help, well, it certainly helped me to get closer to her, not physcially but more emotionally.
So it sounds like a relationship will fail if both people don't possess the three qualities that prevent these 5 pitfalls: Positivity, assuming good intentions by the other spouse, and personal accountability. Can't stay mad if i assume they didn't mean it. Can't be racked with symptoms of worry if I am hopeful for the future. And i can't be defensive/retaliartory if i'm open to listen to mistakes i've made. Good video.
My buddies do this constantly 100 percent of the time and will noooot break up. They literally make each other miserable. I say she basically hates him, wholesomely- but she "loves him so much" 🙄 it's insane.
