How to Process Trauma ft. CoconutB | Dr. K Interviews 

TIMESTAMPS: 00:45 intro-bottling up emotions 5:35 what the trauma was 16:30 Cycle of abuse, self-criticism 19:20 becoming your father 22:22 the game Rust, types of gamers 31:54 Feeling of powerlessness, abuse towards mom 38:01 not being in control of anger 40:30 psychology and neuroscience around abuse, facial emotion recognition 53:50 “emotional instability” and “Incompetent Cervix” - rude medical words 1:00:03 choosing direction of the conversation 1:06:20 Fear of abandonment, destroying relationships 1:17:00 People will leave, when people pull away to have a conversation 1:24:20 How to talk about triggers with a loved one 1:34:00 Meditation ---Q&A--- 1:46:00 How to deal with a defensive person? 1:57:01 Destructive urges in video games, why is it good? Correlation of destructive urges in video games and real life 2:00:20 How to help someone with PTSD

This was a huge leap for me. I had no idea what to expect and i was terrified of talking about this. But i’m so glad I did, Dr. K and his team are doing incredible work this really opened my eyes to how powerful therapy can really be.

I'm 27, not a gamer at all. Never grew up even knowing this was a community. My boyfriend grew up on video games and chats and shared this channel with me. I cried the whole time during this video. I related on so many levels. I mean, I convinced myself that I didn't even go through any abuse until I listened to coco and realized the similarities in our upbringing. I always resented therapy because how could I trust a stranger with my fears when I couldn't even trust my own parents. They can't save me so why bother? I don't feel the same way anymore. Thank you Dr.K. You are helping many, including myself. Change is possible!

"What are you going to do? You will isolate." This is the most factual thing I have ever heard Dr K. say. I recently turned 30, was diagnosed with BPD, and have been "isolated" for the last 5 years. If this video speaks to you, please seek help. It can get better, and it does get easier as you learn about it.

Coco: Sometimes I break peoples' lemonade stands in Rust Dr. K: I think that's okay Lemonade Stand Owner: WTF NO IT ISN'T

Coco is so mature because he never got to be a child. My foster daughter is the same, 23 on the outside, and 45 on the inside. She had to protect and take care of her whole family, including her older brother, all while suffering under the same conditions. When she came to live with me at 15, was the first time she ever had an adult who would just let her be herself. I constantly reassure her she never has to earn my love, and after years of therapy, she believes me, but those early childhood experiences are so ingrained.

"My worst fear is become my father" I feel that..

one of the best interviews in a while

“Power comes from awareness. What do I do once I understand? You don’t do anything, you just understand. Understanding is enough.” This is huge.

I think he got some real concrete advice here. The neurological affects of BPD and trauma were fascinating. This guys seems pretty mature for a 21 year old, I think he'll be fine in the long run.

Ending my friendships because I don’t tell my friends what bothers me, being a “mind reader”, is something I discovered here & want to learn to be vulnerable about

Does Dr. K have a RU-vid editor who makes the thumbnails for these videos? The Saturn painting in the background of this one was a very nice touch; highly appropriate for the topics being covered here. For those who don't know, the painting is called "Saturn Devouring his Son" by Francisco Goya. It depicts the Greek titan Cronus (called Saturn by the Romans), eating one of his children. Cronus feared his children would one day kill him and seize power, as he once did to his own father Uranus, so he killed and ate them to prevent this. Eventually he would be killed and usurped by Zeus. Clearly a story about parental abuse, imo. The older generation fears the younger will surpass them, so they inflict abuse. The younger generation, warped by the abuse, develops similar fears and the cycle perpetuates itself.

I relate to this dude so much omg. shit hits hard. the way he talked about this friend was so painful. "you were supposed to care" I think everyone has had that experience.

Commenting to bump up this video in the algorithm

This made me cry all the way through, it was so close to my own experience, but unfortunately for me, it was both my parents, and at 33 I'm still stuck depending on/living with them due to being heavily disabled, and it can be so hard trying to untangle his view of me from my view of myself, when I can't escape the toxic environment.

Wow. This is rough. As an abused child, a lot of this resonated with me. I’m glad he was as open as he was, it helped me learn some things about myself. Great vid.

every time: "weve only got a couple minutes left" talks for another hour.

1:29:00 so powerful on catching yourself from perpetuating the cycle. This interview was almost like a public service. Good on coco for recognizing and wanting to catch himself. You got this coco!

I am @20:25 sec. and I am so pulled into this interview. You're SO emotionally strong and intelligent COCO! I am so blown away by how young/MATURE you are! My dad shot and killed my step mom and then killed himself when I was 15 (I am 32 now) and I've never seen a therapist. I love watching these interviews, they've helped me a TON! Thank you :)

Holy crap. I relate to this guy more than any other interviewee so far. So grateful for Dr. K's content cause I'm learning about myself

This videos are so good for so many people, props to the people coming in and talking about all their problems, it's not easy

this spoke to me on many levels. I've been reclusive since leaving foster care where I was abused. More recently my girlfriend left me and my closest male friend text me that "he's done" when I reached out during a panic attack during a run I took to try and calm down. So much of what's being said in how CoCo manages his relationships speaks to me. I just deleted facebook because I was feeling pressure. Nightmares, insecurity, no control. The nightmares have been getting worse and more confusing and I've been feeling dejavu a lot.

This one really hit home. Im really proud of this channel and the community around it. What they're doing for people and gamers especially is truly a sight to behold. You guys are Amazing!

Thank you so much for specifying the term "emotional instability". I always feel so guilty when I get called out for that (or I call myself out) and it really does have a negative undertone. But, as you explained it, it's nothing but a trauma response

Oh man, 14 minutes in "I believed him..he's my dad and I loved him." -"Do you still love him (Coco)?" " I..don't know.." So young to just accept what he had to. Asking for a candy bar is not asking for a lot, and the kind of shame to be dealt because of his dad is heartbreaking. I wish I could hug him :(

This episode by far the most emotional heavy one for me, I almost broke down at least 100 times god this is tough.

2:08:30 is such a nugget of amazing wisdom buried at the very end. Just having someone care is so powerful.

This talk and Dr K's interpretation (let's not call it diagnosis) are stunning. I can absolutely confirm what he says about sensitivity/responsiveness in BPDs. I once had a BPD girlfriend and it was unbelievable what and how quick she drew 100% accurate conclusions about how people are, how they feel like, and so on. She knew how I feel before I knew. Unfortunately, she never believed me that I admire this as an absolute superpower, not as something negative and insane of her. edit: funny side-fact, no when I think about it, and hearing Dr K saying the sensitivity is so common after trauma. Once, a psychologist advised me to see mental support for myself because of potential PTSD. But I was absolutely the opposite and couldn't even see someone feels bad shortly before breaking out into tears... guess another protection mechanism

The silence when Dr. k asks "do you still love him?" Pains me immensely

When I first moved out of my abusive household at 18, I had intense nightmares of recreated events as well. They were frequent and intense. 6 years later, they are press frequent. It gets better

Damn this stream was actually really heavy..

I really related a lot with this one. My background is quite similar except my dad is alive and well. I, too, did not realize until this video that was I was still feeling that tremor from 20+ yrs ago, the night my dad beat the crap my mum and I did nothing but quivered(I was 7). I now realize I've been blaming myself for it subconsciously all these years. That notion alone explains a lot of things in my past, like my maliciousness and predatory behavior. I fought with guys, I bullied the weaker ones, sabotaged the stronger ones and left girls before they could leave me. I learned to manipulate, and do it well, because if I did, sometimes that's how I avoided getting beat. So I supposed I manipulated "innocent" people around me when growing up up because that's when I had felt secure because if I did it right I could predict exactly how they(friends, family, people with things I want) would react. I used to think that was a skill and felt proud of it, but I now realize it was all just obsolete defense mechanism like blaring alarm siren still going off after robbers have already took the valuables and left, only that I've been listening to that alarm for all these years. I had inflicted pain onto others because I just wanted them to feel what I felt. But it was easier to convince myself that I was born evil. So I had took on that role with hubris. But few years ago, through psilocybin trip, I learned just how destructive I can be, and that alternative path, a creative path could be just as possible. It seems I still I need a lot of work to do. Thank you for this video. I take away a lot of valuable insights. so I do I deal with fear? My theory is that due to my growing up environment, aka abusive papa, I am primed to feel fear. This is a problem for me because I want to pursue in creating art paintings and writing novels, but the fear of failure impedes my way. I write a sentence and I feel like it's shitty sentence/stroke and if I keep feeling that then eventually I feel like I won't ever be good writer/painter, so I can't get myself to work on them, even though that's what tickles my fancy, if you will.

Wow, that breathing exercise is really amazing. I’m not sure if it’s something I’m supposed to do on a regular basis or not, but it’s really relaxing, so much more than all the breath counting and holding techniques that always make me more stressed or just don’t help at all. I’m so glad I learned about that.

I suffer myself from borderline personality disorder and I am in therapy for it since 3 years. And honestly i think i just now understood what that even means. All therapist ive been to described it completly differently and i was always only kind of relating to the things they were saying. But this explanation really resonated within me.

it’s cool to watch old videos to see how much better dr k has gotten over the past few years. i do really miss the interview videos though. the short form content just isn’t the same.

These have been so TREMENDOUSLY helpful. I've opened up a notepad file and am taking notes whenever something resonates with me and my own experience. Hopefully I'll find a way to talk to someone competent yet affordable about these things, I'm currently trying out Better Help, but I don't have high hopes to be perfectly honest.

Thank you both for doing this. It's like group therapy with you two and a couple thousand silent participants 👌

I feel like a "demon core" in nuclear term that if i turn the focus on myself, i tend to start destroying something but when i turn it outwards, I empower. I've learned to tone it down with kids and animals because i trust their honesty. The only adults i've found trustworthy are either other traumasurvivors or in teaching professions, catpersons. Cats are where i started my journey to love again

Why my boy Dr.K lookin so fine doe?

😢 I heard and felt everything Dr K said he heard in your story. I have CPTSD and have problems not feeling emotions. But CoCo before Dr K said a word I was already crying. My heart hurts for what you and your momma had to go through. And I’ve just started the video! You are such a precious soul. I can only imagine what a positive impact you have made on who knows how many people. Thank you for your courage! I am 63 years old and just found out two years ago I have CPTSD. I have watched 100’s of videos learning about trauma. And I have never, not once wrote in the comments. Your story touched me so much I felt compelled to share. Again thank you for your courage ❤❤❤

I have anxiety , and is primed for conflict I belive. I have always been able to gauge certain situations to the point I have avoided people robbing me. I was a pretty bad kid and sold things in highschool. One time this guy Pedro bought some off me then was acting weird, and went to his friend and where they were talking from afar. I immediately could sense something was wrong went into the school from the smoke hole and put my stuff in my locker. And walked back out and finished my smoke. As soon as I went back the two came up to me asking me for more. Where I told them I didn't have anymore even though he seen I had more. They obviously (to me) figured I stashed it and and they went away. To this day I am know they were going to attempt to rob me. Another time I had a bunch of stuff on me and I also indulged in on my spare before my last class. So I went to my 4th period high. And my art teacher looked at me weird while he took attendance. And I immediately knew he knew I was stoned. And he went to the phones after taking the attendance and was talking to someone. I got bad vibes and asked my friend matt beside me if I could but it in his gym bag on the floor. He pushed it over and I dropped it in his bag. Seconds after he was off the phone he asks me to bring down the attendance. Where I knew the principal was going to be waiting for Me. And right after I dropped it off at attendance. The principal calls me to his office which is adjacent to the attendance office. Long story short I didn't get caught I told him it was allergies. Cause he couldnt prove otherwise and there was only a few days left of school and I was in grade 12 he couldn't do anything really anyways. I got my stuff back after class. And continued on. I smoked everyday in my highschool life. I had it down to science which, I know isn't good but I did. That was my only time almost getting caught other than this other time I dropped a joint in the crack of my locker and it fell under the floor and the dogs came. But that's not pertaining to this point. And no they didn't find it. Even as a bartender I could tell before fights were going to break out. Even before the bouncers who should be paying attention but are usually flirting. And me the one who has to serve a bar full of people is still able to pay attention to what people in the crowd are doing. To me I felt like they were uncomtipent. But now I realize I am just more primed to these things.

I really enjoyed watching this episode. I will remember this info about 20% of anger in the face being picked up by person struggling with borderline. I have lot of gratitude for dr. K for giving such service to gamers. Heart warming!

I understand why the cycle of abuse is so hard to break. When someone gets abused, the abuser gets power over their victim and the victim feels powerless so in order to regain power victim abuses some else to regain that sense of power. It's really that power has to be taken so the desire to regain power by the same manner in which it was taken becomes irresistible. The younger one is, the more likely the proceeding sentence will happen.

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that he showed his HUGE bottle while talking about bottling his emotions?

I’m 8 minutes in -and already in tears. Ironically I’ve always described my biological father the same way. Oof. Bless his heart, we can recover. Dr K is amazing, and Coco -inspiring and nothing less than a warrior. I have literally had to do the complete opposite of my “knee jerk reaction”, that I have in simply every situation in my life.

Oh I feel this guy. People drift away despite my efforts, and while I have not gotten angry about it because it's about their lives and not about me, it still blows. Meeting new people is more difficult now because of how the world and interactions changed due to COVID.

I'm so happy that people as good and as self aware as coco, are able to find their answers to seemingly hopeless situations with the help from dr k. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I can't say that I've completely changed as a person since finding you on your first stream with reckful, what I can say is that, so many seemingly hopeless situations and patterns I had continued to experience now have solutions and a way forward. Your mindset of pathology being rare and people's brains being adaptive have helped me understand so many of my own problems and it all began with becoming aware, understanding my situation and issues from a new light. I'd love to be more involved in the healthy gamer community one day, and am grateful and happy that you and your community continue to grow.

Unfortunately, I also had an abusive father (and even my mom at times...) who pretty much terrified the crap outta me. I won't go into too much detail, but he's also the reason why my little brother is no longer with us...... and I can relate to CoCo so much with a similar background. I'm grateful I have a family friend I can vent this shit out to and being in my mid-twenties I realised I've been through a lot and it took a while to process that. Still not in a good place since my step-dad is no better (let's say he's been ignoring me for a year now all because I'm standing my ground and refusing to apologize to him for something I didn't even do and it's all just pathetic. Awkward home situation. . . . .) This stuff isn't easy at all, especially to cope with but I'm sure CoCo will be all right in the long run; he seems quite mature !

I never thought I would see CoconutB on here

Thank you CoconutB for sharing so bravely. I suffer from bpd and have experienced troubles in my interpersonal life. But meditation and therapy (6 years and counting) has made me feel so much better

I've been diagnosed with bpd and I'm a jerk when I'm afraid or subconsciously afraid that I'll be rejected, I'm scared to death that I'll mess up and become a violent person, I don't dare to have children even though I want them more than anything, I was bullied at school as a child, I didn't have any friends at school. At school, I always looked around to make sure I didn't see any bullying and if I did, I went to hide in the bathroom until class started. At home, my sister received much more attention than me. I was always too sensitive, etc. I'm scared to death that I'm a bad/horrible human monster😭😱 then I have more than anything a toxic shame that eats me alive, and death sometimes feels like a comforting thought, and it scares me because death scares me more than anything, but I can't live like this anymore when I can't help myself😭😭😭

Ugh that girls voice at the end, so kind and gentle it physically hurts

24:40 6 sub Types of kinds of gamers 41:00 Borderline explained -fear of abandoment -0-100 quickly, emotionally -more emotionally responsive, stay longer emotional Nr.1 risk factor: trauma 46:30 "The Look" face changes from smile to angry: borderline people spot anger after 20 frames other people after 80% anger 48:00 it takes a very small signal for you to pick up and get emotional You haven't learned to stop paying attention 55:00 Your brain is emotionally primed. 56:47 Your brain evolved to function in a hostile environment. (I don't think you have borderline) 1:22:00 Tell people "I feel like we're drifting apart" instead of interpreting their signals and deciding in your mind that it's over. 1:24:30 when you look at your girlfriend's face and your mind shifts in an instant, see what happens in your mind, and tell her "I'm not sure exactly what happened, but something just shifted in my mind and I'm feeling stressed out" Just communicate that to her. Hopefully she's gonna help you work through that. Maybe you two can have a conversation about it, and help you feel better. And then you don't have to let that instant shift control you. That's where you're gonna get your power back. 1) Catch the shift 2) Communicate (you don't need to fix it, don't need to get her to do anything) 1:34:00 - 1:42:10 Meditation notice the switch from inhalation to exhalation Questions 1:46:00 reflectively listening: "it sounds like *repeat the words that they said* " 1:57:00 question 2 satisfy destructive urges in video games? 2:00:10 tiniest voice in the world helping a friend with ptsd

I can't. This is my second favorites interview after listening to the one with Ludwig for 5 times. It's groundbreaking. Dr K is a genius when it comes to trauma analysis and healing. I am obsessed with this channel for over a year listening to it for hours. I never agree with any author/person/speaker etc in so many ways as with Dr K. I believe this guy is enlightened. He is on a totally different level of understanding human's experience. Thank you for your hard work, Dr K. Not many things give me so much hope and peace.

Thank you so much for this interview. It has helped me realize a lot of things in my life and why I feel the way I do.

My father propagated the same negatives from his own father onto me as well. I also have no means for fathoming why he'd carry it on knowing full well what it was like receiving it.

Thank you both for this video. It really did help me. also i understand more that some things are just not normal.... and that i should focus on me more. Big wow to Coconut B for telling that.

I love how Dr K uses the word weird without stigma. That's how I feel about it too, some of the weirdest people I met are also the best people I've met. Weird doesn't mean bad but our society tends to assign that connotation to it. I really identify with him on the breaking things though I've always had an obsession with tearing things apart but for me there's also joy in putting it back together again after disassembling.

Dr. K just hammers out all the questions so wonderfully- I hope one day to able to communicate so fluently

Coco is such an emotionally intelligent guy. I personally have doubt that he will raise his kids extremely well. Thank you for sharing this, it is helping me and us more than you can imagine

This was one of the best interviews i've seen

I deny I have trauma until I feel like I’m gonna throw up and dissociate when something mildly wrong happens specifically during anything social. Talking to aunts about my responsibility? I run away. My crush says something that implies that they don’t like me back? I feel like I’m gonna barf. I become practically mute when I talk about traumatizing or bad experiences in general, to the point where I can only talk through text. And my heart stops and I freeze anytime I hear a door slam. And I shut down and dissociate when I hear an adult get only a little bit frustrated with me, or take a deep breath that may or may not imply agitation and I prepare myself to run away or a yell. Older men in general, except for my dad :) all give me HUGE creepy vibes no matter how nice they are. There’s just so many tiny things yet all of it imply the horrific things that happened to me. And while yes- I have opened up about a few things, I’m not ready to dump the tsunami of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and the *other* kind of abuse that has happened to me to other people unless I get a therapist. Trauma puts up walls, and it’s something I want to work on tearing down.

Dr K was born tobe leading people into healing, he fills me with strategies and hope for a better future. Coco just the fact that you are rethinking your childhood abuse tell us you are way more emotionally insightful then your father.

Woah! Man, Not sure you remember me. Life threw me in a whirlwind, But long ago when you were streaming on youtube around 2016/17 I was one of your moderators. I remember the support and confidence you gave me when my father kicked me out of home at 17 after years of abuse. I'd really love to say thank you for all your support back then, I now see it was coming from a place of pure empathy you're a true person

1:21:30 Tears, just so many tears. This is one of the most relatable guests I've heard on the stream

I love having a streamer back on the interview. Nothing personal with the normal viewers but being on stream is too much pressure for them and they are hesitant to express themselves

Glorious and clinically precise

"So yea, you do have to level up your communication past level 1..." Dr. K not sugar coating things. Love it!

Fantastic Episode, I really understood a lot about my mind and how I work even though I made a lot of progress during the bootcamp. Apparently it doesn't need quite the extreme of coconut b's father to induce these traumas and ptsd. It isn't as extreme for me by a long shot but all these things happen to me in my mind and they are so strong and I was struggling a long time with it because I didn't know what it is and why it is happening.

"When he passed away, there was no fairy tale ending". That was crushing to hear honestly, as it's so true, and happens so often to people

I loved this. i relate hard to coco, and this was very insightful. The part about the bpd individual picking up on the 20/80 anger/happy signals was eye opening. I've never thought about that but related. Hope everyone else who feels similarly can find what they need to overcome any inner demons to find peace

It astounds me that it takes Dr K just 50 minutes to shine the light on such a complicated pattern.

The guys in the bushes was a option instead of overflowing trash for the analogy used as well. Basically the same thing but different words; You will be dying randomly. But you aren't because there are guys in the bushes. And you will think It's random until you realize there are guys in the bushes you need to deal with. And that it wasn't random all along.

Regular psychiatrist: here's a list of meds you need to take, see you next week for our next session Dr. K: have you played Minecraft?

Thank you! I was watching your streams and I got myself through therapy like that. I feel way better. I love this meditation technique as well. It deletes all the confusion from the "Am I breathing ok?" ;D

Same story. But the last words my dad spoke to me was an apology for this childhood. I was really stumped. Happened a year ago and watching this reminds me of that whole time. It's tough.

Breaking things gives you a feeling of control. And it is easier than trying to create something when everyone else is sabotaging you and anything you create.

This talk hit really close to home and was very helpful. Thank you both.

I really really hope Coco, and anyone in his shoes that watched this, is doing better now.

I can't believe how much I relate to this internet stranger... literally felt like Dr. K tugging at my heartstrings with this interview.

This was so hard to watch, thank you

I never thought id relate to a griefing gamer man so much... This video was especially useful for me and i did the meditation with him too, im going to keep using it in the future.

Much love to Dr. K and the folks at HealthyGamer.

It's this battle that goes on in my head between "my parent is also human, they also have their own trauma and it is also their first time parenting" and "how do i break the cycle? How do i parent myself and heal my inner child to become mature enough for my future kids?" And i know having the desire for that is the first step but i don't think it's enough

Holy fucking shit Dr.K... You've done it again I can't believe it took me so long to get to this video... This explained so much for me. Thank you. I never understood my hypersensitivity to the emotions of others until today. Thank you again.

I think I may have BPD.... My dad was also abusive... thank you Dr. K & Coco! I loved this so much.

This is a heavy one man. Stay pimpin Coco. You a real one.

dude was having breakthroughs every 5 minutes

Damn I've been watching Coco for years, had no idea you did an interview with him. I can relate to his story so much.

its sounds like his father was narcissistic on top of everything else. You are doing a really good thing here with this guy. Wow! Having the self awareness of knowing that you were developmentally 14 at the age of 21. This is what trauma does to you and it does set you for what call learned helplessness. Interesting analogy, crabs in a basket, fits perfectly with what abusers do .I think videos games act as an out let, and this out let can give you a false of control, possibly the control youd really like to feel in your own life, but the problem is these games become people's lives. Bingo, feeling powerless. You may go on in your life feeling like you are a worthless coward, which looks to me what his father was who intentionally projected this onto his son to feel, and his father probably enjoyed it along the way. At any rate, I dont have time to finish this entire video, but I will. You are really good at what you do. I witnessed my father beating my brother at a very tender age of 16, He more or less broke my brother down and emasculated him. I didnt see it, I heard it, and the sound of this has haunted me my whole life. Then when I was 16 he tried the same thing on me even though Im female. This is a really a good conversation here, I will return. Glad I found you.

Absolutely agree with behavioural analysis behind Rust, it’s the most toxic game I’ve ever experienced. Even the chat alone.

18:27 That is such a great example of the separation between people who grew up with a privileged upbringing and people who didn't, and how it becomes alienating. When Dr. K said that I thought what 21 year old doesn't knows how to pay their taxes??? How are they not paying their taxes, are their parents actually doing it for them? And then I remembered a lot of 21 year olds didn't have to work to put themselves through college or just go straight to work, and therefore had no income. It feels unreal to me that that's a thing.

I love the complete tangent in the beginning where Dr. K is genuinely curious about the water bottle.

Thank you coco and Dr. K Just going to add, this was truly an unlock for me. Thank you gentlemen. Coco, I'm twice your age but you honestly helped me so much here because certain parts of our story are very similar. Thank you for your bravery in doing this. It has truly helped me.

Coco.... good work!! And such a handsome Boy. Be sweet to yourself. You are loved.

fucken love this channel

43:02 coconutb's reactions sums up what it feels to carry trauma

Im 28 and I feel like watching this has changed my understanding of myself and others utterly. Thank you Dr. K for changing lives, all the best

It's so wholesome how Dr. K has faith in people genuinly

This was a really interesting and insightful interview. Got me thinking/realizing? that communication styles are mostly influenced by our environment right? (and that genetics wouldn't really play into it)