This was a very kind and patient response. Glad I watched this before such a thing ever occurred because my response was more along the lines of “my house, my rules.” Lol
Jamie this exactly happened to me 2 years ago. My step kids were so difficult with me and I sensed that they were not listening. One time my step kid even told me to “shut up” We finally had a talk and he confessed that his mom had influenced him and said “she has no say because she’s not your mother” I wished I had done what you did but I confronted the mom face to face in front of the kids but she denied and denied and pointed the finger back at them. That it came from them. I didn’t believe one bit. I thought she would at least admit she said that. Things are improving since that day. My stepkids start to realize what she’s doing and how she’s been treating me. I always believe toxic people will eventually expose themselves.
if my step tells me to shut up, I'm backhanding...lol I don't normally agree with smacking a kid, but in that case...that or i'm washing a mouth out with soap...my parents did that a few times to me, and it set me right.
@@sarahscalpel561 No! NO! You do NOT EVER hit someone else’s kids. You are they’re STEPPARENT not their parent you don’t hit them at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if your SO screamed at you for that. You can talk to your SO about your role, but that role does NOT include you using corporal punishment on their kids.
@sarahscalpel @caramelcupcake @marvelousmaddy Oooh no no I cannot do that, if those were my own kids then that’s a different story. In fact, bio mom would love that if I am violent or aggressive because she loveeeeess threatening me to court. I am not gonna let her have ammo on me. She’s angry and jealous now that I am getting along better with her kids.
It’s great that you gave him a choice, I think kids like to know that they have a small bit of control over something in their lives. This kind of scenario could even work for non-step kids that are having issues listening to their parents.
Yes! Thankfully this is not a bridge I've had to cross. I think BM and BD teach kids to respect their elders Regardless if they are a parent or not. Unless someone is telling them to do something dangerous or not right they should be listening to any adult. Especially in their own house.
We've been dealing with this for a while now, and then we hit lock down and suddenly not only was I the full time step mom... I also became the teacher! Let's just say I'm completely worn out. What do you do when the child doesn't "get it"? Weve had the conversation, she thinks it's funny, so I take a step back... well now I'm the evil step mom who treats my biological children differently. 🤦♀️
What role does your husband play in conveying the message about your role in your blended family? This is a very important and absolutely necessary point in blended families. When I underwent premarital counselling (we are Christians and it is mandatory for us in our Church before they agree to marry us) I was told that the biological parent should always be the one to set rules for their child and initially the step parent should take on the role of an observer, but not a disciplinarian. The biological parent should also reiterate that their new spouse is not a parent but it IS their home now as well, so the step parent has every right to set rules that pertain to their house. When leaving the kids alone with a step parent, the biological parent should say, "Step parent is in charge and any disobedience or back chat or disrespect will be treated as though it is being directed at a biological parent," in other words, my husband is to let his kids know that I'm in charge in his absence and if they disobey me, they will be punished as if they disobeyed their mother or him. At the point of each infringement, the biological parent should support the step parent, so in the example Jamie gave where the child was refusing to put his ski helmet away, Darren should not have stepped in right away as it would signal paternalism towards Jamie, but had she had the conversation suggested and the child was rude back, then Darren would have needed to step in and state that he would not tolerate his wife being disrespected in a home she shares with him and the attitude is assumed to be directed towards him as well, so whatever appropriate punishment is decided is carried out by biological parent. If your husband doesn't want to get caught inbetween his daughter and his wife, that tells you half of the issue. She is just acting out because she has detected a weakness in your unified front as parents. Speak to your husband. Your step child should not be allowed to laugh at you or take you for granted in your own home. It's only going to lead to resentment and show up in your marriage. Your marriage comes FIRST. Even above your own children or children you had before. All the best.
i really love that response. my stepson has never said that to me before but he will give me dirty looks, roll his eyes and basically pretend I dont exist and avoid me. I know his sentiment is basically "youre not my mom, you dont exist to me" but he hasnt actually said the words. Makes it hard for me to address it with him...
This is amazing advice. I was thinking about doing something similar. My step kids don’t outwardly say “you’re not my mom I’m not going to listen to you”. But they are very entitled and often don’t listen to my instructions or acknowledge my presence unless they need something. Recently I got my step kids a really cool gift to share at my house with my daughter who lives here full time. My oldest step kid snuck it out of our home and kept it at her moms house and refuses to bring it back. I want to have a conversation with them about respect and boundaries and what they can expect from me when they are entitled and rude. Any advice for me? Thanks :)
Great advice as always Jamie thank you! I haven't had this just yet but know it's only a matter of time and really like the way you explained it to your step son as that's how I try to explain things to my step daughter by (where appropriate) giving her a choice in what happens next which seems to work pretty well 👍Xx
extremely high conflict biomom told my stepson over the phone while she was on a trip that he didn't have to listen to me, because I'm not his mom at the beginning. The attitude continues today, 10 years in. It's a nightmare for everyone and has affected his school situation. So sad.
My stepchildren don't respond like this that you're not my mom and I'm not going to listen to you but they never dont do that stuff I'm telling to do them they just ignore me.. and when in return I started to ignore them then I'm an evil stepmom.
My SD went home on Monday 7pm like every Monday before she left I had told her too put HER clothes away she went home and told her mom that I told her something her mom sent hateful texts too my husband that I’m nothing too tell their daughter anything that next Friday she asked me for something and I told her so now you want too talk too me not about me I told her that I don’t have too do anything for her I chose too hit her hard when I said that I told her she could have the choice if she just wants me to be her dad‘s wife that’s fine with me or if she wants me to be her stepmom and be there and help her that’s fine too but talking bad about me with her mom is not nice
We currently have a 5-5-2-2 schedule. My SD is starting kindergarten this year. With COVID going on. My husband and I would like to keep SD home. But her mom wants to send her to school. There are so many unanswered questions. What would you do?
Hi Jaime I love your videos and I myself am an stepmom of 3 adolescents. Unlike you I don’t get to interact with them, they don’t come to my house and I don’t have the same problems that you talk about. My biggest problem is that because they don’t talk to me and refuse to acknowledge my existence I don’t get invited to their social events together with my husband. I really want my husband to spend time with them but I don’t like the idea of my husband, his kids and ex wife in the same room having dinner without me 🤷🏻♀️ idk doesn’t look good to me, maybe Im just jealous. What do you think about it?
I’d never sit in a room with my exbeast unless forced. Last time it happened was my kid’s school a couple years ago. Her graduation is Saturday I’m spending the day with my beautiful wife instead. They get what they deserve.
