❤️ Thank you, Frederik! I wrote down your quote, "Any interaction that elicits guilt, inadequacy, or shame is a symptom of manipulation occurring...Healthy people don't try to make people feel guilty. Healthy people have responsible interactions."
You're welcome, thank you Anne! Yes, those are childish emotions. When giving feedback, if a healthy person notices that someone is feeling bad or guilty will point out that it isn't the goal - but of course will respect that some people want to feel that way. But the feedback is not calibrated to elicit guilt or shame. A world of difference!
Thank you for this! I'm divorcing a narcissist and have used many of these techniques. I will admit that my documentation has not been as systematic as was needed. I've missed many opportunities, but things are not finalized and there is still plenty of time for each of us to display our true colors. I will start over with the documentation, doing better this time. Thank you for your guidance. Thank you for your calm demeanor and peaceful voice. There are a handful of people I have never met to whom I literally owe my life and sanity to. I am grateful to you and your calm, logical, systematic approach to what can only be described as purely chaotic relationships. God's blessings to you, Frederik!
You're welcome dear Gina, I'm happy these videos are helpful! Yes, documenting IS a drag, however that can be the difference between a decent outcome and getting screwed over. The devil IS in the details and narcissists do want us to avoid digging, they cherish wiggle room - why provide them with it? You know, once we're out of the dark woods, we see the maze more clearly, we notice the traps - and it's nice to know that the people still stuck inside will get out a bit faster, and with fewer bruises. In these topics, I am calm, not because it isn't awful and tragic, but because I know it all ends well - and that fuelling anger, panic, etc, only makes people more vulnerable to these vampires. And also, I trust that each viewer can work it out. We're in this together - and once people are out of the swamp, we can do swamp prevention - or just let people go and relax and move on, both outcomes are excellent!
Great video! I was able to take this ,especially your mentioning of team dynamic and those who can’t handle frustration. I can see the financial team I work with in this. Thank you!
You're welcome Kelly! Yes, it can be so hard with teams, so it's important to be laser focused on the criticism, not of people, but of the specific toxic behaviours they use with everyone. Once the pattern is apparent, we can't unsee it :-)
No, I don’t tell people what to do :) However, you have a choice: either keep going and get the same result. Or change something. Your choice. It’s your life, your consequences, you know your situation, I’d just a guy on RU-vid. We usually have to pick our poison. And if the situation is toxic and things are unlikely to chance, either we choose more of that or we change something. Good luck!! :)
I wish I has seen this 13 years ago. I was a new young HR manager in an engineering company. I supported the promotion of a 50 something female "home grown"- she hated me - even though I'd always been supportive due to the lack of female representation. Any call with her I felt like I'd been in the ring with Tyson. Another angle to her problem would be- Anna has a contract - it will probably reference Ben's position as her straight reporting line. She has been made aware of an agreement but that's it and not within her scope (currently). Potentially she could begin her grey rock with an email to Ben and HR - cc Anna - just to let you know Anna called today to enquire about arrangements regarding her return. I'll leave it with you. Then it's a grey rock - pass the parcel of shit as she has passed the buck//grief legitimately. Also her employer should have policies regarding bullying and harassment so good to follow whatever their wording/process. Easier said than done though - some people bring a chill to the air and slime you with every interaction. I bet its a lot easier for Clara having a clear strategy. I've never seen anyone walk through a real-life issue and solution - its very helpful- sounds like she got a grip of the situation really well - hope it lasts when A returns 🤩
It actually was a nightmare. More bullying, passive aggressive, sabotaging the store, destroying a team, hiring incompetent friends. She finally left and left ruins behind her. The damage these people do is real :-/
What a great and practical video, I love your ‘models’ that can be applied to any situation/ toxic person. I’ve recommended a few of your videos to clients and friends, and I know a few people who’d benefit from this one! 🙊
Thank you Lola! Yes, a specific example - tough situation, and applicable to other circumstances too. Your comment makes me think: perhaps I could do a video for flying monkeys to help them figure out what's going on? ;-)
