How To Spot A Narcissist's Addictive Patterns 

Addictive Mindset: 1. External stimulus not internal calm. 2. Sentimentality not character 3. Relationships transactions not belonging. 4. Always Escaping Pain not Embracing Mortality. 5. Devouring not Nurturing---Feed Me! 6. Takers not Givers 7. Little internal purpose, shallow. 8. Honesty comes and goes and keep secrets easily 9. Mood of the Moment not Internal Contentment. They are addicted to your propping them up. Very poor stress management skills; unresolved hurt and anger and neediness. We need to understand them so we don't get tricked into carrying their pain inappropriately.

My dad spent almost 30 years in AA. Years ago, he told me about, “dry drunks.” It was people who behave like they have additions; but they don’t drink alcohol. Very apt description.

"They don't nurture" so true. You will never feel love. So sad😥

The narcissists i know are also addicted to alcohol and drugs, which makes their narcissistic behavior X10 worse and untreatable. 😒

the big one for me -- the one that really helps me understand this issue the best -- is that they need you (and require you!) to make them feel OK. which is impossible. so you will necessarily fail. but that's your job in life. to make them feel OK. once you realize that (and therefore you will never succeed because you can never make someone else OK), you can see clearly that it's time to excise this relationship (to the degree possible). ❤ PS Might be interesting to explore WHY it's not possible to make someone else OK. Might seem obvious to you as a Dr. but I don't think it is to everyone.

My ex was very repressed. He couldn't handle my anxieties unless it suited him. I now appreciate my sensitivity. His control I feel made me feel crazy. HE had no boundaries I see now and loved upsetting me. GRRRR.

Spot on again. You put the addiction into perfect words. Once I withdrew myself from being the "pill" I was quickly discarded and they moved onto someone else for their fix. I have peace without these people that drain me.

100% Doc! & They seem to think that moving on to new relationships/location they can run away from their problems & find peace within a new situation. NOT going to happen - they just cycle.

Six years ago, at the age of 60, I was finally able to break away from my sisters and mother. The dysfunction was beyond repair. Two of the 4 are narcissists. I have never regretted that decision and only wish I had done it decades ago. I have been in weekly therapy for 2 years. This is an extremely painful and difficult recovery process. Good luck to you ❣️

This video described my ex GF perfectly...she had a need to "escape" to the wilderness i.e. camping/hiking. She always played the victim. Everything was black and white, and she hated being around people. She often felt like ppl were f@cking with her or they were micro aggressive towards her. Whenever we'd have a disagreement or an argument, I was "attacking" or "manipulating" her. The conversation would usually end up with her hanging up or storming off. For the first year, she always had to be on the phone with me (it was odd to me at first) or needed my help/advice with something. She had no plans for the future, no retirement, no insurance. Just lived with her parents (she's 38 mind you) and hoped on a prayer they would will her some of their land. I took a promotion at work and she showed very little interest..told me she felt like a loser and that i provided more value in the relationship, which confused me, bc i saw us as a team. Looking back, it was just awful. Yeah, she had her nice moments, and we shared some amazing times, but man, I never felt so confused or unappreciated in my life.

My whole life my father has been an alcoholic. Every interaction with him made me think to myself, "Why does it always feel like a transaction?" (exact words). Its mind blowing how Dr. Carters videos connect all the dots as if he's been living beside me all along.

I'm all about patterns these days Dr.Carter , I look forward to your take on this . I'm feeling absolutely wealthy in the insight department these days & I know there is so much more to learn . Thank you so much for your kind dedication to healthy minds . 🙏❤️🧠

Seeing Gus makes the day feel happy! 🤗

So basically whatever is going on they are focused solely on how to get their next hit. That’s enlightening.

I, once, had "mine' get off the phone start raging at me and simultaneously start wolfing down as much food as possible. I realised at that moment that I was Literally and Figuratively watching them trying to fill that 'internal black hole of emptiness" Scary stuff

The dog in the background looks so peaceful and nice☺. I am not an expert, but it often appeared to me as if dogs somehow reflect the personalities of their owners. I've just googled it and there are actually some studies about that 😉

Have a great day team healthy!❤

"A mind of devourment!" Absolutely, Dr. C. So greedy, never full. Never grateful or appreciative. Lol🙃

Devoured is the perfect word for it.

Addiction to CONTROL and OBSESSION

My narc FIL was speaking with my children. For the first time they were all laughing the kids were actually engaging my narc inlaws and for a moment everyone seemed to be ok. Then my FIL of course made it weird. He was trying to get the kids to say " do you love us? Do you miss us?". The kids were visibly uncomfortable and my husband ended the call right after. He was at a loss of words " why couldn't he be happy with the kids engagement? Why does he want more?" I wonder if this is related to what Dr. C was discussing.

We cannot give that which we don't have for ourselves. Not love. Not respect.

Thank you for this video! This explains why my mom has always had the signs of an addict, but she isn't one. I've been wondering about that for years and you just cleared it up for me. Thank you!

Narcissists can be compared to addicts, because they do have an addictive mindset. They are constantly addicted to your responses toward them, because they crave what they do not have inwardly. Their neediness defines them. One single phrase that defines how a Narcissist thinks when he/she engages with you, is this, "Feed me!" This "need for feeding" is called "Narcissistic supply", which can be all sorts of momentary fixes, like... ..."Feed my needs!" ..."Feed my compulsion!" ..."Feed my pleasure seeking desires!" etc. Indicators of an addictive mindset: 1. Drawn toward external stimulation ("I need internal calmness!") 2. Drawn toward patterns of sentimentality ("I need to feel good!") 3. Relationships become transactions ("What are you gonna do for me?") 4. Ongoing attempts to escape pain ("I need pain relief!") 5. Efforts to devour 6. Driven by impatience ("I need it right now!") 7. They have become takers ("I need from you!") 8. Honesty comes and goes ("I have secrets and tell lies because it suits to get what I need from you!") 9. The mood of the moment drives them ("I need my supply whenever my my inner chaos drives me!") Why do Narcissists have such a strong neediness? 》They have very poor stress- management skills 》They have lots of unresolved hurt, anger and disillusionment 》They have a deep history of family dysfunctions Narcissists are stuck in their neediness (from the outside in) and whenever they collapse, "It is your fault!" You can do better in a healthy way by asking yourself questions (from the inside out), for example: "What does it mean to be responsible?" "How do you find inner peace?" "What does it mean to love?" Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝

So true. I often that one of my former friends who was very Narcissistic viewed all of his friends as like drugs to take to modify his mood. We were all just things to be consumed and discarded.

He was such an energy suck. It was always about entertaining him and keeping things moving. If he sat down anywhere for longer than one minute, he fell asleep. I was so relieved to finally get out and then I moved away. Grateful for peace now.

There's a saying that goes "everybody lies." Well, a narcissist is a LIE! And the lies which gaslight and confuse, cause harm to those they target are part of an attempt to hide the false self.

Gus is in deep thinking mode

Funny looking at Gus LOL The dog looks at Dr. Carter like "why does he talk to the computer ?"

I totally agree, Dr C- narcissism is an addiction. So much pain. So much struggle. I have great love for my family- and I don’t believe love conquers all. It does help me to keep on keeping on. Love is all there is❤ Love is my entire motivation in life. ❤️🙏🏼

I need to come up with strategies to avoid giving narcissists in my life narcissistic supply. They will beat the attention out of me, so they can feed off of it. I need to watch out.

My jaw dropped at some of the examples Dr. Carter provided, especially how they away from pain because they do not know how to handle it then blame you

Thanks clears up the lack of encouragement, the impatience, the over sentimentality, what they want not what I need, the trying to get me to do things I don't want to or can't do, not getting help with what I do need, the rewriting of history, the utter shallowness of character, the total shutdowns when they don't want to bother. All while saying cutting things that sting. It's basically about them. One minute they want me to go on holiday with them (I can't im sick) the next calling me weak because I am ill! How they expect this to be okay I do not know! Or I didn't until now I realise the over sentimentality is to fulfil them. Makes sense ✌

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. They always must be the center of attention and on the receiving end of things. They would take the very blood out of your veins if they thought it would make them superior. They only want to benefit themselves. Great video on this subject Dr. Carter and we thank you so much and maybe it will save someone from getting into this nightmare.

I went no contact last Summer from a narcissist. I had a slip up in September when my aunt died and I really needed a ride to the wake. When I called I thought to myself, this guy acted like a junky who just got his drug of choice! He didn't hear that my aunt died, he acted happy and giggling about the fact that I needed him! I felt disgust with myself for even calling him. After that I went no contact again but his flying monkeys show their heads once a month. I am being firm on this no contact. I don't need friends like that!

Thank you sir every video I watched takes me in back memories of being abused and manipulated the bad part is I learn from your videos but when he is actually sucking me in I don’t know it until it’s too late 😢 And over and over I leave with the feeling of being cheated and manipulated and threatened and all that 😢

The hardest experience I have…. The narcissist has replaced me in her life with a new man - whatever best of luck to him. But the new guy is buying my son all sorts of things and buttering him up. You know from a distance exactly how this is going to go, it’s going to implode. But you know the kids are being used and take on all sorts of trauma from the ensuing drama. I wouldn’t wish a narcissist upon my worst enemy.

Thank you for your video. I found it helpful to keep a journal, with a schedule chart days of the week the individual has been triggered. For instance, when the garbage truck is getting close ( on Saturday and Monday) they start the drama. Then when the Ice Cream man music annoyed them. That's on Friday evening. You see a pattern, these triggers remind them about motherhood or responsibility and a tirade or tantrum ensues. Once you write out the chart, you will see the humor in anger and rage over nothing. It's not nothing to them, its everything. You can brace yourself you'll see over and over the need for them to express hate and anger. When I hear the truck coming, I run out of the way!

I was told that I could be a person that attracts NARISSIS?? The only think I can think of was that I believed in honesty, friendship. That’s what I was looking for. Nice guy. Boy did I get that & a hell of alot more. Finding out things After I married this guy. Still suffering. Never grew up, can’t have civil conversations. Self centered, always the victim when you want to have a conversation to discuss problems. There always left, Unfinished!!! Now a lot of baggage…😡

Thank you Dr Carter and Gus too : )

Dr. Carter! You are such a wonderful resource. I am learning so much. This video is right on time in my healing. I won't go into personal details but the part where you mentioned something like their addictive personality will take your "givingness" to the extreme and if you don't provide what THEY need, regardless of YOUR personal values (I think this is what you were speaking to) they will keep pushing. In my case, the value I am equating this to happens to be one that I was "so respected, loved, valued" for~I was described in the beginning as "astute"....until I wasnt. You just put that particular scenario into perspective for me. Thank you so much Dr. C~~and my new mug is right in front of me as I write. Bless you n Gus n Mrs. C.

Thank you Dr. C♥️🙏🔥 Wish you and all here a beautiful day and a great week!! 💪🙂✌️

Hey Dr C, narcissists have destroyed my life. I fought back and stood up for myself as much as I could for many years, but it was already too much for me to handle, as I had and have to deal with narcissists my entire life. I will not be around for much longer as my mental disorder (akathisia and ptsd) have become very severe. Narcissists took advantage of that and made sure it became as bad as it could. Unfortunately medication do not do much anymore, and I feel they have even made the situation worse, because I was not treated from the beginning through the right therapeutic form and way, when I reached out to the mental health specialists ,but I was on the contrary mistreated in the worst manner. I've always enjoyed your videos, you provide people with the right insight with which I have agreed with it and said so numerous times in the past. May God bless you and keep you safe my friend.

Great video as usual

Interesting connection on addiction with narcissism. A video I’ll probably go back and listen to again!

Indeed, Dr. C! Lol 🙃So, true. Many narcissist (s) and their minions, seem absolutely addicted to Team Healthy living in constant deference to them in any and almost all situations. Always, one up... Beyond competitive, to say the least, but never in a good, fair, or even remotely reasonable way. Nope. So predictable. Many are simply beyond, beyond and absolutely have extremely poor people skills. Lol 😊Many just don't know how to do relationships of any kind well let alone authentically. It is very sad to see over and over again and understandable. It is also simulataneously liberating and empowering for us moving forward and continuously growing in healing spaces like this one. Thank you! 😊

These 2 years I've had stages of health recovery from a doctor's cryotherapy treatment injury. My spouse who has liver cancer repeatedly reports his symptoms to me(not his doctors' visits). Each time they are my symptoms! .. as if only he has them and brainwashes with constant repetition. I think he's mocking me by copying while not sharing any medical information. He prefers a family member go with him for doctors' visits. He only has one topic, his symptoms. He's totally addicted to himself. So I let him "enjoy himself “ and I think about other things. I really found your video very helpful, Dr. Carter. Thank you so much!

Well!!!! Gold star for that one doc! Crossed ALL the T's and dotted all the I's! Made me laugh out loud and dance a little jig! Like a pat on the back and a "it's not you" standard doubt comes from time to time but this morning .....you started my day with a alleluia! Thanks so much from Australia😊

Thank you Dr Carter and Gus! This is a helpful new way to consider these narcissists! Powerful stuff! 💪

Their neediness looks like a bottom less pit. The more you give them supply, the more you are depleted. Cut off the supply when they say "feed me."

Happy Monday, Gus and Dr. C! 🌻

The big question for us elders to consider when continuing to cope around the odd malignant narcissist around is -- Who all are they the malignant narcissists maybe delegating today to put on that really big show for them and for how long will those people be able to keep up with that?

Thank you Dr. Les! My husband said the other day that he loves to make me mad because it makes him feel good.

Incredibly insightful and informative video. My understanding of the narcissist’s “ perspective “ has just been clarified beyond belief. This is so helpful. Thank you so much for doing these videos. You have educated and subsequently help me so much. I can’t that you enough Sir. 🙏☮️❤️

The more I learn about narcissism the more my heart freezes and I get so sad. Please , say hello to Gus.

Thank you 🙏 your closing statements touched my heart ❤

My narc parent, who is an alcoholic, is currently telling me I am probably drinking whenever I stand up for myself. Talk about a projection.

I find this to be an absolutely profound perspective that I hadn't even considered, but it makes so much sense! Thank you so much Dr Carter. I know that narcissism tends to run in families, and I know that addiction tends to run in families, we have both in my family. In fact we have narcissists, other cluster Bs, plus addicts, and in some cases the narcissists are the addicts (alcoholics etc). So interesting. I wonder whether anyone has ever looked into whether families with higher rates of addictions also tend to have higher rates of narcissism. Any insights Dr Carter?

You have helped in a big way coz you have opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with for years. And I have also noted that Gus is more of a cat than a dog, he is always sleeping.

OMG. Thank you for sharing. More insights into the chaos and confusion. ❤❤❤

My SO of 7 years is a narcissist in active addiction. Let me just say i am continually shocked... He exhibits a degree of self centeredness I didn't think was possible. Desperate to fill the hole in the soul...

It’s exhausting work 😅

Really great information! Unfortunately both my parents fall into this pattern. Their attachments/addictions are to problems and solutions are scary because it is a novel and uncomfortable approach! I have heard the same alleged victim stories for over 3 decades.

Feeding a narcissist is just like feeding the devil, it will only weaken you and make the devil more powerful.

Dr. C you are influencing my dreams! Met a wonderful tall man and we hit it off but I thought oh no limerance! I don't have 2 years to wait like Dr C! 😂

The addictive behavior was more obvious to me than the narcissism. I want the least surprised when his ex gf told me he's a narcissist--it had indeed crossed my mind multiple times by then. I knew I wasn't ready to consider that aspect of him, so I simply didn't until it was unavoidable, though in retrospect his narcissism is tied up with his other addictions.

Well so true my unique Experience With a NPD Just in 4 month's i saw it all. I can't belive this kind of human being. A relationship with a Narcissistic Is like a Business translation.. ,,we all have needs like human being. But NPD ARE to needy. It's true feed me Me me . He gives with right hand. ,,& takes it with a left hand. Most be horrible to live like that.. , ,they inspect it all,, They don't nurish you,,but they want it all,,at u costs Evil..energy vampire.

I really found this episode valuable. I really needed to hear about Narcussist and there addictions.

Spot on Doc, well done!

Thank you Dr. Carter A very helpful video These videos are helping me make sense of my past and helping me greatly feel better about myself

this is going to be interesting, how *they* act/behave like addicts for *"supply".* however, makes me wonder if losing one's self in full time gaming 🎮, even after an eight hour job or sixteen to seventeen hours straight when not employed would also count as an addictive pattern for "them" when it may not be considered narcissistIC *SUPPLY*

Great value Dr Carter, thanks!

Thank you for this extremely important and ingormative message dr Carter. God bless you❤

We (my husband and I) agree with Texas Patty. Your videos have given us the tools to contain the narcissistic persons around us.

What about when Narcissists get aggressive and threatening with black mail, financial threats, domestic violence and physical threats? I live very close to fear. Thank you for your help. 🤔

Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy

Thank you Dr. Carter. Thank you..

I believe we are all on the narcissistic scale. I know when I am going too far in that direction, it's the dopamine hit I am looking for. I think dopamine may have a lot to do with narcissistic people...that need to always feel good. I could be wrong though.

Just found this channel from the 8 questions video, so glad to see a recent post. Great videos!

Thank you and Gus for another insightful video.💗

Thank you, your analysis really helps me out.

Anything about how to see another one in our midst helps prevent mistakes...

7:30 "integral to their whole personalities" yes & a democracy too

You're real, real smart and wise. You always have very practical and useful working concepts that we can relate to that makes our everyday living so much easier! Thanks a million!

My mother said to me I can’t diagnosed somebody is being a narcissist and informed her that I’m not diagnosing anybody it’s a pattern of behavior and the word, narcissism or narcissistic is a description of all these behaviors jammed in the one it’s a easy way of saying, projection, gaslighting, verbal, emotional abuse of another person all the things that goes along with being a narcissist

It's not really the narc or their qualities but my seeking them out which is hurtful to me. I don't think that I need to be wary of everybody's potential narcissism and spend my time thinking about them. You would say that that's what they want from me, anyway. It's my sharing more than I should on their demand (when this does me no good) which I've got to avoid - and that's easy. I don't think that "spotting" a narcissist's addictive patterns helps me to enjoy life more. Instead it builds up a straw-enemy onto which I can project my disdain, impatience and fear. I think we (not pathological people) know what to avoid in life. The question is how to recognize being stuck and how to get un-stuck. Your "Team Healthy" seems filled with people who have been hurt by others, many for very long periods of time. There must come a point in time when it no longer behooves the pained one to understand, recognize and even think about the personification of that torture and instead just does not want to be tortured anymore! Please show us more on how to do THIS (enjoying life, having good relationships, freely sharing needs, joys etc.) Thanks for your efforts.

I always get something good out of these videos. And love reading the comments. Thanks

I appreciate every video and the information has given immense relief. I want to pose a topic or facet to be explored possibly. Narcissistic K-12 teachers. My husband is a teacher and I know how difficult being a teacher can be. What drew us to your videos in the first place was trying to figure out what he and the students are encountering. She has traumatized students and even though the parents raise holy hell with the principal nothing is done. Teachers have tenure and a it is incredibly difficult to fire a teacher. If it’s something illegal or a sex crime it’s different. Have you encountered this? It’s one thing for my husband to work with this person but these are children being traumatized. She is covert and very slick.

Yes. All recognitions

This is a fantastic 😊🥰 topic 🥰 Doctor 🥰 Carter 🥰

Mine was extremely impulsive

I have thought about it in terms of repetitive predictability of a remarkably few basic patterns shoehorned into the circumstances of life. While the exact form the demented accusation will take in the moment varies wildly because it's tied not to factual reality but to the self-entitlement of the narcissistic person, the fact that there will be a stream of attacks with lies is completely predictable. This is interesting, since I hadn't thought of it as addictive, as such, though I have often observed with amazement the compulsive relentless generation of constant conflict.

When I did try to feed his needs, he’d still look for it from other women and people in general. Everyone thinks he’s golden boy, but is so indifferent to me and ignores me if I mention my needs. My grown kids think he’s the end all, and I’m the bad guy, thanks to his false narrative of me that he’s fed them. I feel so stuck but if I leave I feel I’ll lose my kids. He’s a big talker and I get so tired of his boasting and big stories!!

Remember the song "Feed Me Seymore" from the movie Little Shop of Horrors? It's too creepy.

This is powerful.

Most narcissists may have obsessive compulsive disorder as comorbidities.

Patterns of dysfunctional behaviour don't lie...

My mother was a narcissist & she certainly was not the nurturing type. She told my sister : ‘If I had my time again I wouldn’t have had kids’. Like it’s our fault. With this kind of comment & her abusive behaviour my sister became a narcissist at a very young age.

I have question for a Wednesday Dr. C. Can you talk more about higher functioning narcissists who appear and often are "successful" in certain (compartmentalized) areas of their lives, including wealth buidling, work and business life, the families they choose to marry into, and larger group activities, etc., for example, and why it may be so difficult for them to see let alone challenge the accumulative negative impacts they tend to have on individuals they come into contact with? Many absolutely do seem to see and know what they are doing on one hand and also seem to truly not care. Is that an accurate assessment? Can you elaborate? Thank you very much!😊

For years I thought I was the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was the child of a Narcissist.