The Split Personality of the Narcissist 

This is quite possibly the most brilliant and eye-opening information I've ever heard about narcissistic abuse. I can't thank you enough for it.

Just because I see your wounded child, doesn’t mean I have to put up with your bad treatment and behaviour. My integrated moment.

Just want to say to survivors who often feel ashamed for having been victimized: think about what you went through, and think that you survived it! You didn't lose your mind, no, you made it out! Think of the strength that takes, and think that you had that strength!

I have never left a comment but this is just amazing. I’m literally in tears. You nailed it. That’s why I always think I’m losing my mind between feeling angry & feeling sorry… and I haven’t been able to leave as everything is constantly blurred in my head. And the ‘vampire ´ scenario ? Oh my, totally true… thank YOU

This is extremely important for anyone going through this. I'm a little further on in my recovery to be able to say that, this splitting, where we have the memories of the aggressive, vengeful, evil narcissist on one side... and the helpless, victim, little child looking for us to parent them on the other. You dont need to understand how these two extremes are actually the same person. Just accept that they are the one person. The clue to understanding this is that you're confused. And rightly so. These people have a massive hole in the middle of their soul where empathy should live. This is the split you're trying to understand. Accept that they are not whole. Let the knowledge of this hole in their soul be the glue that holds these two extremes you desperately seek to put together. You will heal. 💚

I escaped 3 months ago. And the trauma bond is finally broken. It will take me years to recover. I watch these because I find it so fascinating that I found myself with some one so cruel but so oblivious to it.

I was with a narcissist for seven or eight years who always just played the victim. I fell for it for a long time. I was drained physically, emotionally and financially. Never again!

Once I realised that it was performative, a manipulation to coerce me into what ever bullshit state of his was on top in any given moment, I started training myself to rigorously remain self regulated in the face of it (the emotional literacy exercises were my starting point, so thank you for that Richard! 💪❤️). It took me five whole years to safely get myself out, but I did it. I’m finally fecking free, and a MUCH stronger and wiser version of myself because of it. Never again will I be in relationship though, as I’m not convinced that I could trust myself to not get hooked again. It’s safer, kinder and more life enhancing for myself to now remain single for the rest of.

If you're experiencing anything that you suspect to be Narcissistic Abuse, please listen carefully to this video from Richard. I was locked in for 23, deep years. It was a traumatic single event that caused me to reintegrate the two memories of my Wife and it's important to know that you could make the choice to sit down and integrate those memories yourself (without waiting for a traumatic event). Trust me, Richard is speaking very deep truths in this video!

Yes I realized that too many years ago. As soon as I merged my views of them, forced myself to remember the bad, the draw disappeared.

“Who had the gap? Is it you or is it them?” We should revisit every case of schizophrenic as a possible recipient of prolonged covert abuse.

I really needed to hear this,i got with my soon ex husband in 2011, lost my son in 2014, i was diagnosed with ptsd, ive been lied to,manipulated & abused by my FAKE husband for 12 years. This explains a lot about why I stayed just for him to brutally discard me for the secretary from his work. The divorce process is also a nightmare

I call it Jekyll and Hyde. Holy crap it's mind boggling how they switch emotions off.

40nyears of that , my mother was terrible...I went no contact after I asked me the question: if a stranger would treat you like shes does, would you accept it? NO...so I decided that I had enough....and it caused a cognitive dissonance becaused part of me love that woman whila another part just hate her....

44 years under my mothers spell. My dad suffered a nervous breakdown at 85, which is my wake-up call. He’s starving himself and it’s heart breaking

Yes!!!! You have to make a list of every behavior so you can see them as a whole. You will see: A hot mess. Now run!!!

Thank you Richard, I don't leave comments often, but this video compels me too. It's not just unbelievably insightful and well articulated but said in a very earthy and humorous way that doesn't put you above us, but with us. This is a very validating video. I felt so understood. I've saved it as a video to revisit and to show to my children, as proof or explanation of what happened. I left after 11 years. I lost all interest in caring for the "small helpless little boy" and realized and recognized the actual "aggressive, abusive, insulting monster" was the real story, the real person and was not going to, had no intention, of changing.

This is EXACTLY what my life was. It is probably the best description and summary of what happens to you in a narcissistic relationship. I was married to my husband for 30 years and I’m finally free.

Lack of integration of memory is a great point.

A simple "trick" I took away from a personal development retreat is to replace BUT by AND = they’re like this AND like that. Changes the narrative and makes it "easier" to quit and not go back / let them back in. Words have true power!

I can totally relate to this and when its family its so confusing ..this is such a wake up call for many of us ..thank you for this wisdom and observations .I find the hardest thing is when the Narcissist gets others to work alongside them ,I call them the dancing monkeys ,the Narcissist has to have a best friend and a worse enemy and too soon You become the enemy if you do not give the supply they need at any given time ...I will watch this again its so spot on I need to have This memory ...Thanks .

That lack of integration makes a lot of sense. And not even just in the current tense - remembering. You're accessing one memory bank or another at any given time, leaving your memories confused, and it's impossible to come to a clear, unwavering conclusion.

The landmines are always moving

There’s one part of the process I think you need to complete the picture: The conditioning part where you actually succeed in comforting “the little child”. The “I feel safe with you” thing. This is essential for making the partner believing that it’s possible and hence by inference that it’s their own fault every next time some minor dissatisfaction or disagreement turns into rage and then discard.

Richard, you also get people who enable their behavior and that can make it worse. Not only is it happening to you, but now you have someone confirming that it's perfectly okay for them to act that way. Doubling the dose. I am working on my recovery. I love this video. Very meaningful!

I went through a period where I had Aphasia, like someone who had suffered a stroke. I went for an MRI. Nothing was found. This explains everything about what I had gone through! Thank you, Richard!!❤

Omgosh this was one of the best articulated pieces I've ever heard! You get a standing Ovation for this one! This just totally blew my mind! Especially what you said at the end! I've been describing my pile of gray rocked/ door slammed individuals first as my narcissistic mother but mostly as soulless emotional vampires. That were sucking the emotional life force out of me my entire life! Its like they loved sucking on the tears/ fear as i cried. These are very dangerous individuals! The last one gave me a blunt head trauma, stabbed me in two different places, beat me with a lead pipe across my lower back and a upright vacuum across my left shoulder. I've had to quite literally grab what little belongings I could and run for my life! Leaving behind mutual friends , family, changing my location, Phone number, ect .and everything about myself. I've done this so many times now that I've been in isolation for like 4 years and getting therapy once a week but over zoom because I don't want to leave my house. I Feel like I'm afraid of my own shadow! Afraid to go out into the light. Scratching my head at how to rebuild and get these past spider webs off of me at the age of 53. I'd like to be the main character and star in my own life movie. I am a INFJ personality and have way way to much empathy. I describe myself now as my people picker being broken! So I'm afraid to even let people get to close to me and am unwinding the "freeze" rubber band that has had me bound and silenced "totally a deer in headlights"since my childhood. Therapy helped for a short time and allowed me to get back the proper fight or flight response. I feel like these soulless wonders search for people with a lot of empathy and prey on them. I also feel the world currently needs the empaths to step out of the shadows and let there beautiful souls feel the warmth of the sunshine. We should be spreading the very soul essences and gifts we were born with and have to offer the 🌎 world.. That these emotional vampires were feeding on. Of coarse,after making ourselves whole again and doing a lot of work on healthy boundaries. This was so spot on to my life. Seriously I think you should win some kind of award for this. Bravo!!!! Oh and sorry I know I just totally over shared but this gives me hope at exposing these people and hopefully figuring out ways to identify them as early as possible. Also getting this information out to child with safe havens where they can flee too once they have uncovered a narcissistic parent. Thank you so much and I will be binge watching 👀 more of your content. God Bless anyone who is stuck in this dynamic. Please you must set yourselves free... These people are trying to kill you emotionally, spiritually and physically.. Much love and wellness to all...

Holy Split second!!😬 My life past 47 yrs. Finally went no contact, 30 days ago. Your videos are spot on! Thank you!! I took a huge breath yesterday, and said a prayer. Side note, my 3 adult children asked me, many yrs ago, if their mom had multiple personalities??😮 wow. Wow wow.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have said I could be sat with one person on the sofa, gone to the kitchen, come back and sat down with a completely different person! My therapist said a Narc’s personality is unstable, now I fully understand how!! I’ve spent 18 months researching this 🙈

I just wanted to add, this is what I was describing to my therapist. I also think narcissistic abuse erases memory in addition to this- it’s been three years into my journey healing from my family. From when I was young, every time I reported abuse I was told I didn’t remember things correctly. Over time, I also started to question my memory and “over write” what happened. It was so bad that one time my father punched me over me refusing to send my older sister money (she often asked me for huge amounts that it turns out she never needed, she would go on shopping sprees and I was saving it for college) I remember going back and forth with myself and even hearing my own voice say “that’s not what happened, you just don’t remember it correctly” the only thing that reminded me that I wasn’t tripping was the pain and swelling in my jaw. It took a few more years until I was financially stable and in a new city…guess what…I’ve started getting more and more of my memories back. And so much of my feelings and behaviours that had been stripped of context came back slowly by slowly. I still get new memories every other day and it’s great to know my life wasn’t a blur that I rose from 3 years ago. I feel like a person again.

This perfectly explains the formation of the fearful-avoidant attachment style when developed in childhood from parental narcissistic abuse.

This is all so accurate and scary as heck. Sadly this is my son. Hes 20 now but he goes from calling me names to making me feel guilty for things that happened years ago. He smashes my things when he gets in a rage and says he wants me dead. All ive ever done is love and care for him and never said a bad thing to him. It hurts so much that hes at his grandparents now and i feel the only answer is anti psychotic medicine which he refused to take because he thinks hes ok and everyone else is the problem 😢

Wtf! I just looked up dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia this morning! You making this video is so much confirmation for me that I know what’s happening and why I feel stuck! In all my life, I have NEVER allowed any form of disrespect, nvm abuse, so I couldn’t figure out why I was still going back to that abusive environment and suffering…now I know.

Cruel, Victim, Self Loathing. (and the third one gives me a bit of a chuckle sometimes)

THIS IS IT!!! Thank You! I have to buy your course, because I believe you truly understand what I'm going through. The guilt is overwhelming😢. I want out of the insanity. Jesus help me, enough is enough. My life needs normalcy.

I realized that my ex husband was two people. It took me a couple years of being away from him to really finally get it. It’s very painful when you have this epiphany and also a relief to finally make sense of the crazy.

Nailed it Richard - like a game of table tennis, pinging between two different people in the same shell. Thanks.

YES! Thank goodness for EMDR trauma therapy and your emotional literacy course! They helped to put ME back into the present. First 50 years of my life bouncing back and forth between righteous anger toward my father’s rages and guilt at his seeming vulnerability. Then another 24 years with the ex-partner (30 lived with him, some years overlapping my life with my father), and I was able to RECOGNIZE the two parts of his personality and integrate them in my mind. When I saw the ex-partner’s bullying as temper tantrums and his vulnerability as manipulation, I saw them both as if he were a child. I could grin (inside my mind, because a physically large man is dangerous) and not relent in the holding of my boundaries. The guilt I felt disappeared, when I saw the childish manipulation for what it was. Over 6.5 years away from him and again in therapy in order to remain PRESENT to my life, I see that my father’s label of my mother as a “schizophrenic” was correct, from your outline of how dissociation takes place. Thank you for clarifying the healing process.

That was depressing. Informative, thank you, and depressing. I have a 13 year old stepdaughter that has been suffering her narcissistic mother's abuse for years. She came so close to leaving her and something flipped. She failed to tell CPS the truth about an incident where her mother threatened suicide and then flipped it on her daughter trying to gaslight her and threatening to put her in a mental institution. Daughter wanted out of the situation, we were looking for attorneys. A couple of days went by without the mother allowing contact and then the daughter said she wanted to stay. She has been distant ever since. Dark tragedy. We already went to court once and the mother manipulated everyone. It's like the universe is telling us to stop. She had a way out and chose to stay. There's no record of the incident because she chose not to tell the truth so they closed the case with no findings. Hoping she finds the strength and clarity to choose to get out when she turns 18. Her mother is currently love bombing her like crazy.

23 years done , it was like being a prisoner of war ,torture . Not only the physical violence ,the abusive mind games . I got out alive , just . I lost everything we had together. Starting my whole life from scratch.

Thank you so much, for the most accurate description of what I have been experiencing throughout my marriage to a covert narcissist. The interplay of these different personalities you have to manage in them truly makes you question if you’re the crazy one. It is a trap without compare.

Its so natural to try to understand people...its good to know what isnt normal. That so much effort to reach someone during their nice times is fruitless.

They are both. No one becomes a narcissist without some form of consistent, pervasive abuse of some kind and of course they can often be bullies as well.

Imagine living with twins (one is broken, victim, scapegoat) the other is strong, competent, married), both have split personality??? X

Now I understand why my husband tells me and everyone he meets the same stories about his past over and over. Wow!

This is essential for those who (thanks to you, Dr. Grannon)- once concluded that they are with a bullying narc, but then decided that they aren't, based on the softer/victim side... the disorientation and dissociation is sadly so real. Knowing that this is a distinct pattern (that has unfortunately occurred for many others) helps me see the true reality.

The vampire metaphor came up and slapped me in the face. Dude. Wow. The anchors keeping me attached to these black holes were my compassion and guilt of not helping them. BUT you said they are already dead, not cognitively, but instinctively, pulling you down into the lake of the dead with the remnant muscle memory left in their soulless forms. I think you just saved my life.

One of those personalities is to keep you thinking the narcissist is nice now or has changed for the better, so you let your guard down with them. Then, what feels like a millisecond later, the narcissist goes back to acting like a child and creating arguments out of a normal and calm conversation. Its so exhausting.

I am at 20 years now and I’m done. I’ve already emotionally detached and I’ve exited the shared fantasy. Sam was right that once you mortify the narcissist they won’t hoover you. This is the strangest thing I’ve experienced even more than the double person ridiculousness. He doesn’t know what to do now but he knows he can’t communicate with me since I don’t participate in any of the manipulation tactics he does to get me to react. There is no more reaction and his almost dumbfounded. But I don’t know what’s next or how he’ll act being mortified like this. He’s an aggressive retaliator who has no sense of moral or ethical boundaries he should adhere to, no standards. So anything is possible here, everything is on the table. I hope he just goes away and stays gone, but his mother doesn’t let him not attack and fight me. She’s a horrible person that enables his physical violence towards me. I don’t know if he’s so mortified that he’ll ignore her or not.

This description is absolutely perfect for what I saw in my covert narcissist mother and I fell for a narcissist who did the same and I was trapped in a trauma bonding situation and I eventually split into bipolar disorder. I ended up in the nuthouse not them. They should have been locked up not me. They were unbelievably abusive . The trauma in me was horrendous because I was the scapegoat of the family. I had a hateful mother who had also her golden children who she adored and despised me. You always get pulled in because the victim poor me child would show up and you felt you had to rescue them. Because they are seriously injured children you just want to comfort if you are the empath

I cannot understand how the sadistic traits can be viewed as a defense. They can make bad things happen to you and pretend it was an accident.

The emotional literacy exercises were immensely helpful for integration. Revisiting the work has also been beneficial even after the trauma bond.

THIS!! 🥳Thank you Richie. I rarely comment due to shy feelings. Perfect timing as I just called upon Ma Kali to burn away the internal split and the abuser, so I can move beyond the grip of my unhealthy father. He sexually abused me 49 years ago. 49 years of gaslighting (of parents and 13 of whole family and myself) (Yes I was an infant.) And all the way up-to yesterday. Probs will buy another course just to help tie up the loose ends in my brain into a nice pretty 🎀The energy has always leaked out somehow when I am around him. I forgave him a long time ago. But unfortunately we “forget/diminish” the split. We appreciate you. (I see how you put your neck out to continue to support all of us.) Say hi to Danny… 🙌✨

Thanks Richard, after listening to so many different angles on breaking the trauma bond, you have given me the key! I now, am so much better equipped to let her go. Eleven days left to our court date, and after dozens of weeks of seriously reconsidering going back, I now know that the key is to integrate the separately stored memories! 7 yrs of trauma, and I still could not let her go! Now I can! Good on you!

Narcissist : Bully🔻Victim🔺Rescuer ~ hit repeat. ♻️ Then there's the bystanders 😶...

My twin sister has this split. In spiritual language, I call it a fractured soul. The soul is mind, will, emotions. The split pieces are partnered with the enemy. The person switches like a chameleon as needed. But they don't let their guard down no matter who it is.

Great take. I agree regarding dissociation and the trauma bond explanation. It explains why people that are partly aholes are more dangerous than full blown aholes (enablers: they have their good sides; nobody is perfect), because the latter do not cause this split. I too think such abuse can cause Structural Dissociation - a somewhat new concept that brings PTSD, partial DID and DID onto a continuum, and is researched by Prof. Schlumpf in Switzerland for the neurological bases using MRI. I think that a lot of our civilization suffered from such dynamics of abuse and split and abuse again. And we can watch insanity live today when it comes to USA or Russia. Unfortunately, our civilization has embraced such highly disturbed individuals in a lot of leadership positions because of their alleged merit, neglecting the long term costs. Not just at nation leader level, but companies to local clubs.

I always wondered why I can't remember things properly and always get brainfog when trying. It's a very helpful explanation, which resonates strongly with me! Thank you very much, Mr. Grannon!

Thank you for explaining this!!! After 40 years, I was soo confused about how to respond to whatever he showed up being. Is being angry ok, what’s appropriate ?? Of course how ever I responded was wrong!! Got out of that finally. I’m now dealing with a sister that’s like this, it’s exhausting!! The bullying & punishment , grudge holding is really difficult. More lessons to be learned!!

Thank you for this video. This is exactly where I am at... on one hand, I am deeply afraid of him - due to his threats, harassment, blackmail, scheming, etc. But on the other hand, I feel terribly guilty for leaving a little wounded boy who is full of shame and self-hate. UGH.

That’s wonderful. Sounds like you just described borderline personality disorder 🤔 So mental and emotional abuse over time not only effects and damages the hypothalamus, but also the hippocampus? So is there a part of the brain that it doesn’t affect and damage? This pisses me off I didn’t learn this in high school…bruises heal a lot faster than trying to healing fibromyalgia and “brain damage” damit 🥵

Woah- I had a massive Tetris addiction for a few months when I was 19

XX This is one of the best and most helpful videos you have made. My mom is like this. I think she has made me feel emotionally unbalanced my whole life because she goes back and forth. She is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.

The way you explained the splitting process, huge light bulb went off and I instantly knew what you meant.. I have heard you talk about splitting before but this description just hit the nail on the head. Thanks Richard, I appreciate your knowledge and support.

Richard, you have parsed and encapsulated, in precise detail, the crux of how these individuals prey upon others, as they fluctuate between this seemingly authentic, vulnerable, childlike, innocent, lovable, approachable, loving, capable, funny person and the badgering, bullying, cornering, attacking, angry, raging, hitting, screaming, biting, pained, black-irised, possessed victim, lashing out and abusing, like a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. Anyone they "love" becomes their enemy, ultimately. The gentile doctor curing and helping, and the monster hitting and screaming and choking and silencing the victim. They are so adept at hiding in plain sight, no one outside of your experience would ever believe they were capable of such things. This makes them doubly dangerous; flying monkeys. Their aim is to confuse, confound, and bully **in private,** vacillating between innocence and monstrous. We are gripped by the maniacal killer in SAW, being set up against impossible odds, repeatedly, to sacrifice chunks or our Selves in order to survive just a little longer in their presence. Ultimately, this parasitic relationship drives us insane (literally making us feel schizo-crazy) and kills our spirits and our bodies. This is how they roll: like a zombie fungus. I'd like to draw a comparison between the cordyceps fungus, which preys on healthy brains, and the narcissist. This fungus is not self-aware, it doesn't know why it does what it does; its only directive is to survive parasitically and incapacitate its host. NEVER be fooled by one of these individuals again. The more of us who become aware of their methods, the signs, and the red flags, the more they'll (narcissists) be forced into the light and have to deal with their own dysfunction. The best thing we can all do is to remain vigilant and aware, because, I believe, ultimately this will force them to see themselves and heal. It's not our job to heal them; it's theirs. Separation is key. Richard---you're a gift to us all, and this is our only choice for a win-win, longterm strategy to beating this mental affliction, that affects everyone, either by *being* the wounded and tortured narcissist, due to whatever circumstances, or being *within proximity* of the narcissist and suffering tremendousy as a result. Thank you, from my soul, for all that you do. Thank you for being obsessively dedicated to this topic and to all of us who need to hear this, and for sharing your keen and spot-on insights with us, via this channel. This is worth so much, to so many of us.

Thank you! What a critical piece of the puzzle that I needed to understand. I have literally been free over 5 years (after 30 years “entombed” deeper and deeper) but only just this month have built the discipline of keeping my window blinds open during the day. It has felt too vulnerable before. And embracing my new future has been very difficult. But this paradigm makes perfect sense! Yay!!

This is so good. Blocked him today. Doing the exercises. Integrating. Thank you so much. You are saving lives. 💝

Great video Richard thank you, I think you're spot on!! ❤❤❤👍 it certainly is like dealing with 2 people, and it certainly does end up splitting 'us' into 2 people. That in itself is horribly bad for our mental health.

It's really interesting, I've been describing living with my spouse as living with 2 or 3 ppl at the same time, and yet there's only him, and I've watched him switch from bully to little boy victim in a split second. So when he shows up as a little broken child, I remind myself what a bastard he really is. And I this way I do lose sight of the vampire he is.

Omg this makes so much sense, like that is what I lived. I've been integrating the memory but not understanding why I felt so stuck, confused and constantly stuck in a puzzle. Like not know in the answer but daily trying to figure it out was exhausting me to a death.

You are spot on. After 39 years of marriage your explanation of everything including the ending about being afraid of people is exactly what was happening. This entire disorder is one big mind f**k.

My wife has had to navigate this with her mom for now 55yrs. This is the first post that we have ever seen that helps to explain my MIL’s NPD behavior TO A TEE. Thank you so much. It’s like you’re in the room, decoding the behavior, and the gaslighting madness that comes with it that we have blamed ourselves wrongly for. To try to explain it to others, they think we are the ones that are nuts. Now my MIL has dementia. Imagine someone with wicked NPD who now has dementia. Would LOVE you to share a post on THAT comorbidity situation. It’s at the next level. Please consider doing that one as a video.

And it is his vulnerable inner child I still emphatize with a lot (4 years of no contact)

Wow Richard although this was recorded 8months ago it only popped up on my feed today. I left my 45 year abusive marriage almost a year ago. He has full blown malignant but vulnerable NPD but I knew nothing about NPD until about 6months before I left. My daughter told me to look it up and I knew I had to leave. I had all the plans in place. Then he got diagnosed with cancer and the other side to NPD kicked in as did my response to it. Once he knew he was cured, Mr Nasty came back and my other side kicked in in response. Then I fled for my safety. He is in prison for breaking restraining orders but now I cannot break the trauma bond and your video has shown me why. I separate the abuse and nastiness and my response to it, from the vulnerability and wanting to look after him response. I need to work on marrying the 2 together otherwise he will be in my head forever and I can't move on. I' m having therapy via Women's Aid doing the Power to Change course. Now I know what the problem is maybe I'll have more success. Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my torned heart for putting this schizophrenic experience into a fathomable context. I´ve just left a narcissistic trauma bonded relationship after 14 years in hell. And I have finally realized that the devil and prince charming was the same person. I´m doing my very best to look at myself as an extremely strong woman instead of a stupid and fooled one.

Where have you been? I use to watch all your videos all the time. Nice to see you are back in business

Way to go Richard I listen to you often you’ve explained so eloquently why I was having a problem in my thinking and couldn’t leave a 30 year narcissistically abusive marriage this one is pure gold thank you 🙏🙏🙏

This is exactly how I separated the bad and the good. Why didn't I leave him? Because I projected hope that he was more good than bad. I came upon a video that explained Radical Acceptance. I always passed it up because I knew that the reality, which I avoided for years, would be the beginning of the pain I would go through while I had to let go of everything I didn't want to face, him. He is what his actions tell me and not the words he wants me to hear.

Very correct. Therapy should be compulsory prescribed by GP. So they do less damage.

The emotional literacy exercises are very valuable. Utilizing them...and again re-utilizing them is integral. Just as healing is a process, so is allowing yourself to take a step back to one which has been helpful...and allow it to be helpful again, with new eyes. We are being reborn, in a sense.

The most confusing shit ever. I’m 2 weeks out of a marriage to one of these after 5 years. And she’s the daughter of a billionaire- made it way worse. I’m exhausted, just hope our daughter doesn’t go through it. Thanks for the video.

This was very chilling to hear because it is so true. Unbelievable. Thank you Richard.

That’s amazing stuff. It really encapsulates and gives reasons for the torment during and post relationship. I never thought I could get out but did after 19 years. The relationship was hell dressed up as heaven, living in the shared fantasy. Even after all those horrific things happened and I had to get out I felt sorry for him (?!) (such confusion). I loved how you described a survivor trying to explain ‘it’. But this happened!….(nasty)…..but then he used to do this!…(nice). That was me during, and for years after. All consuming trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. Thank you so much. 👏❤

A cry bully

Emotional Literacy WORKS! And it’s free. And quite honestly it should be practiced for the rest of our lives when needed (which I haven’t done). It allows you to acknowledge for yourself that yes, that made me feel this, this and this. I believe doing this lead me, allowed me to have a dark night of the soul, which we must do to heal (more than just once), because it’s not something that you can voluntarily do. We can’t book in a time and date and say, “Tonight, I will go into the darkness.” So for this reason alone, Emotional Literacy can sort of speed up some healing and relief. It’s logical, it’s effective.

YOUR A GENIUS. WISH ID KNOWN THIS 4 YEARS AGO. HE WOULD SAY I WAS SCITZOID AND HE COULD FORCE ME TO SWITCH PERSONALITIES AT WILL. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. THATS ENOUGH TO BREAK THAT TRAUMA BOND. THANK YOU RICHARD

Yeah makes sense,my parents have narcissistic trades.I'm in my 40's and "the being victim and predator" as blaming the whole world or be angry and nothing inbetween that's them.And yes I used to do that too,bc I didn't know any better ,I remember thinking wtf why am I still so exhausted,I'm I normal and how/why do my friends stay so calm all the time?!😅

This video was a lightbulb moment for me. It makes sense of a couple of emotionally chaotic years of knowing full well a relationship was wrong and yet not being able to find it in myself to leave. Seeing the light but always being dragged back into the darkness by that hand around my ankle… Integrating the memories of the manipulative abuser and the tortured victim… It is a matter of reorganizing the brain’s filing system. Thank you Richard ☀️

Yes , I have often thought to myself this past year of learning about covert narcissist ( been with my husband since 19 years now late 40s ) I feel as my mind is like a huge pendulum ball going back and forth when I go back & forth between “he is good , flattering & extremely charming to to he is super conniving & mean.” This is what I’ve learned causes cognitive dissonance & trauma bonds…In the past I always wondered why he’d flip instantly as if he had a split personality. Thanks you for your channel & bringing clarity and knowledge to this type of person

In my experience growing up and living around two narcissists and an enabler, I get ganged up on a lot in my family. Its like they want to make me feel like Im going crazy so they wont get figured out. Its really nasty and when Im living on my own, Im going no contact. They will never change and Im not going to be their punching bag for all of their toxic behaviors and verbal abuse.

Time and again, you describe my mother to a tee! I think you just described why I’m trapped in the past, why I’m so afraid of the world?

Yep my Mam can shift from being loving, gentle, then angry, hateful to crying. Thanks Richard.

Besides those two states, comes love bombing and signs of affection and also various mixes between the states. The exposure to that easily leads to PTSD and depression... It is horrible. Once you realize what's going on, it gets easier. But still...

Everytime I feel anger and resentment for all the things he's destroyed in my life or I talk about the fact he's an abuse the guilt kicks in because I'm being disloyal to the other side of him. 6:00 This makes so much sense with the freeze state and the disassociation. 8:50**

It's a very unfortunate state that invokes in me a mixture of both pity and disgust, as if they were suffering from some kind of psychic leprosy ...

Three parts: either Tyrant or Victim at home and ...? Charmer and loving you in public..!! Three different hard drives. You go craaaaazy. One of the best clues you give: THEY ARE ONE PERSON. As you say: become aware of your inner division and see how you got confused, and become one again. Both my father and my mother had all three sides, each in their unique play out. It was vital to completely disconnect, not just from them, but from their combined theatre. It's still weird though, to acknowledge I did not have real parents. That I was raised in a play (in a horror story actually). But now I can. I got out of the tomb. In my core I am a source of love, so I bath in that love, and a true person. And that last vital disconnect I made largely by listening to you Richard, and I am soooooo grateful to you. It's HUGE what you do for us.

It's funny, your description made me think of a novel from the 1740s about a cold-hearted rake who kidnaps a young woman and sets about seducing her. It's called Clarissa, and in several places the various characters actually calmly discuss this method of exhausting a victim by coming at her with different strategies to confuse and weary her into submission. One character writes, "Lovelace, than whom no man was ever more polite and obsequious at the beginning, has hit the very point. For his turbulence since, his readiness to offend, and his equal readiness to humble himself, (as must keep a woman's passion alive); and at last tire her into a non-resistance that shall make her as passive as a tyrant-husband would wish her to be."

This made me cry. This is what is happening to me. Together for 5 years, apart now for 2 mths. Each day I am still going through this.

Very true. I tried to counsel and help a victim of narcissistic abuse and they behaved in the same way. I then did not understand why they behaved this way. Now I do.

WOW! WOW! WOW! YOU ARE ALWAYS HITTING THE BULLSEYE! ❤❤❤