How to Spot a Narcissist When Dating | Dr. Ramani 

Relationship with a narc: The absence of things that should be there, and the presence of things that shouldn’t. That was the only way I can explain it.

I had a guy I dated last year, not respond for 2 weeks. When he texted saying "Hi, how have you been?" I didn't wait, I texted back that i wasn't interested in someone who doesn't respond for two weeks, said bye and deleted his number. I didn't freak out, just stated my boundary and never spoke to him again.

ew .. I was dating a man , on the first date at a restaurant he told me I love you , you’re my wife You’re mine . I told him Pardon I’m going to the bathroom . I went for a run and never came back

There is a reason narcs choose people going through a vulnerable period. They’re too broken to care about red flags.

This topic should be taught to every single child around the world. It would have saved so many lives.

This woman should be hailed as “ public enemy number 1 to ALL narcissists “ she saved my life through her videos. I love you Dr Ramani. Keep up the good work 😘

The empathy and vulnerability from this amazing woman is what makes her so unique. She has helped so many people

When you are with a narcisist, you are always walking on eggshells. AND no matter how careful you are not to upset them, they always find a fault. There is no way out of it. You are being manipulated to behave the way they want.

Lesson learned from this: 1.Stop wearing the guilt of your past. 2.Stop wearing the pressure to prove yourself. 3.Stop wearing the weight of other people's experiences,expectations and judgments. 4.There is help and assistance out there.( we are blessed here with a fresh slate)... Thank you 😊

The narcissist can literally make another crazy. Beware

I was a very self aware, cautious dater, looking out for red flags and not compromising on my standards for honesty loyalty trust etc... So I am definitely stunned and shocked to realize that the person I thought was genuine, real, my soul mate, is actually a covert narc.Im literally in disbelief that I was lied to, deceived, manipulated all along....these podcasts, books, videos have been instrumental and a true eye opener to another type of horrible abusive personality who can be very "nice" but is actually extremely destructive Thank u!

Slowing down is hard in a world full of instant gratification and fear of missing out. We want everything now and fast

Dr Ramani, whom I only met through RU-vid, has played an instrumental role in the most difficult journey in my life. Beginning to heal thanks to this shining light. Thank you 🌹🙏

in the beginning, they usually do 5 things: 1. love bombing (they physically love every piece of you, they compliment you etc - everything is about physical part of you but never tell you anything what defines you as a human - i like how you treat others etc, only your physical body and appearance) 2. they listen a lot but they dont say much factual things about themselves (just a big bubble what you want to hear). after a while you think - what do i even know about this person? every chance u ask about them, they try to tell you a whole lot a lot but at the same time nothing. 3. they talk about their past relationships always in the way that they were flawless (even if they werent, then their part was so tiny and their partner was the problem). 4. they always wanna spend time with you (almost every day, all day) and once they lose interest, all of the sudden, you dont hear a thing from them. 5. they talk about future but once their reality about you crushes, then this future they told you about is a whole big lie. they do it to make you have a feeling like u have a long term relationship with them. edit: i had to clarify my thoughts since some people had hard time understanding the bigger point. once this lovey-dovey phase is done, then they start to comment your appearance, how you speak, whom you are freinds with, where you go etc. slowly mocking you. then they start to be mean to you out of nowhere and then they blame you for it. eventually they become physically abusive. it escalates very fast.

12 month cleanse after a narcissist relationship! I’m still cleansing years later but happy being single to tell the truth

Ramani and hussey is a great combination! They both have gentleness and power behind their words.

Agreed, being accomodating and settling for less is definitely a race to the bottom.

All of my life my mother has told me that “ I’m too sensitive “ and I just need to let go of things!

46:00 She brought up a good point about how narcs usually enters your life during a vulnerable time or event and exploits that with loveboming before they move on to next victim. This reminds me of the zombie movies like Resident Evil. So try not to date when you are at that point in life because you’d be more susceptible to the narcs or covert narcs.

Slowing down helped me to heal a lot. They never let you rest and they always keep you rushed and busy and you're not allowed to rest. I was constantly exhausted and it was never good enough for them or my efforts valued. Once I saw the relationship for what it was, radical acceptance, I started slowly carving out my own schedule and stepping back day by day to get myself sorted. They suck all of your energy and then blame you for not being miss sunshine. But radical acceptance helps you put everything into perspective. It helps you get some of yourself back, even while in the toxic situation.

Watching this and having a pivotal thought. You will know how healed you are when you go for your next drive. I was scared to start again. Started dating a guy he would never text back during the day. Called him on it. He was aware. We had a fight split for abit. Started again. Did it one more time. Dropped him. Suddenly he felt confused. Suddenly I was clear. It was in that one moment I realized he had no regard for my feelings and what I needed/wanted. Gracefully I left. Mind heart and soul in tact ❤️

I just can’t date. Not sure if this cynicism will last forever, but I just can’t. It is just too traumatic now.

Oh God, i had an absent parent who barely saw me on & off and always on their terms. The present parent used to delude me that the absent one loves me very much. They lied to me that this toxic behaviour was "love". I grew up believing, in a way, that people who behaved this way to me were somehow interesting or caring. I am still overcoming this on an emotional level. As if i am always this kid that tries to demonstrate their worth for more attention from the absent parent. Phew....i wont give up and i will overcome. I got out of one of the most toxic & traumatically bonded relationship. I can see the toxicity now, but still have moments when I doubt myself (because the sex & excitement were so very intense) . Going after the right things does feel boring & almost dull. But i am sick of the pain too

I've listened to her for years and that's how I came to fully understand my narc family, my upbringing, and those childhood wounds that I still struggle with. I understand and I'm aware. Narcs can be romantic partners, friends, family members, co-workers, etc. You can be surrounded by them and not know what to do. Get her book. Healing and awareness is now possible.

To "pathologize your need" [1:27:43] is the epitome of narcissistic behaviour in my eyes. It is what makes it so sinister and wounding. Thank you for this succinct and powerful phrase, Dr. Ramani.

She’s right and that the things that hurt us the most will never go away, but it’s being aware and how we respond. That’s where the true power lies.

Dr Ramani has literally saved my life... Her videos made me realize that It Was Not Me, and I'm not crazy and gave me the strength to leave my horrific marriage to an evil narscissist

Good stuff! It's been 13 months- no dating- nothing but healing. Finally feeing grounded in myself. Dr. Ramani is spot on.

When I realised Matthew and Dr Ramani actually met and had a discussion on Dr Ramani's podcast, I was overwhelmed with joy. A powerful duo. Matt, you've made one of the best connections in life.

I credit Dr Ramani’s videos with helping me wake up to the fact that I was actually the one who was getting abused. I know now that I was never the problem, and now I’m working towards a career in mental health. The way to make meaning out of that 10 years of hell, for me, is to help those who are still in it.

Could see it. For 5 years, The unhealthiness, the neglect. But it still took 6 years to leave. Dr Ramani is a tremendous help to explain all around these confusing relations

The most salient point for me in this video is when Matthew discusses the very delicate subject of how we "show up" in prospective relationships. This is pretty much where I am in my life. I moved on from a destructive narcissistic man and subsequently realized my mother is and always has been a narcissist. I've gone No Contact with her as well. I have worked on myself for the past two years and finally feel ready for a relationship again. The question that comes to my mind is: How do I present my genuine, authentic self in ways that balance vulnerability and discernment? That's a tough row to hoe.

Dr Ramani’s videos helped me to get out of an abusive trauma bonding and finding myself and becoming realistic. I’m so thankful to her. Matthew and dr Ramani such an amazing combination

Narcissistic relationships are sustained by the abuser getting the recipient of the abuse to repeatedly betray themselves. It is so hard to build that trust back with yourself after this type of abuse.

Re SLOWING DOWN: in the beg of my 20 yr rel w a narc, when I tried to slow things down he began what would be a lifetime of labeling and degrading me. He said I was afraid of rel, I had no exper in rel, basically there’s something wrong with me. Though I initially resisted, I eventually succumb and bought his narrative, to my detriment. But all is not lost. I got out after 17 yrs of marriage. I got sober (yes weed became my coping mechanism to deal w his abuse) and saw the light. I didn’t recognize he was a narcissist until 9 months after living alone. It’s crazy. But I made it out and I’m a different, stronger more authentic person now. 🎉

I was in a 3 year very toxic relationship - I saw the early warning signs …but stayed By the end my friends didn’t recognize who I became they saw a different person … My stomach started hurting like an ulcer… I knew that was the end but I still entertain thoughts of a reunion and she’ll change …. Guess I need this book 📖 Dr Ramani been following her for 5 years life saving - A stand in therapist while one heals … She’s amazing !

One thing i have noticed being around a narcissistic person, let never let u be yourself. And they never use the word we, its always I....they always look at u like , u are a peice in my life, not a person. Its so hard for me to even date. Yet if feel like im missing out on my best life, by being alone. 😢

What a GIFT She is. I feel so sad for everyone, every unseen and or hurt child out there past present…future. No roadmap but thats changing. Thank you for the Work You do and to both of you for making this.

I just ordered the book..It's Not You. Narc ...It's a REAL thing. Double edged sword. From this relationship I understand my mother, ex-husband had the personality. I was able to breakdown, identified, and now healing. Thank you

It’s so much easier for me to be single, but then I feel like life is passing me by bc I really want to share my life w “my person.”

Dr Ramani has changed my ability to discern and set boundaries, which allowed me to heal a part of me that was always self-blaming. She really offers a path to so much freedom in her approach to healing from narcissism, to forgiveness, and to just better relationships overall

I have been in recovery from my ex who was a narc and then met another narcissist and got conned by him, while I was at a low point. I then went back to my narc ex and he devalued me and practiced avoidant attachment. I left again. 1.5 years later I finally started dating again online and attracted a Peter Pan and a covert narc. Done and done. The covert narc was obsessed w my looks and told me before meeting that I was gorgeous and “he needs that.” Wtf!? Against my better judgment I went on the date and he mauled me at my car like a vampire trying to suck the life out of me. It was a good lesson that i am growing and sharpening my discernment. Oh ps i have a narc dad that wouldn’t even think to call me or check on his granddaughter. So he was my teacher and now the student is feeling ready to graduate. 🙌

The part about the longer you stay in it, the sicker you’ll get. And how you don’t even know why you like them, it’s not a safe caring relationship, definitely describes a trauma bond. I love listening to dr. Ramani and Matthew, awesome interview!! 💜💜

Every time I listen to her, she touches another part of my psyche and I have an 'aha' moment. She is so insightful. (As a side note, almost two hours on those uncomfortable looking chairs with no arms? Thank you for persevering Dr. Ramani!)

Fell in love with a narcissist and I didn't realize what he is. He is supposedly a religious person. He took advantage of my love. I had to go for therapy. I find myself texting him for every little thing. He was going to church without me, found out he was looking for his next supply. I feel so used.

SHE SAVED ME......THANK YOU RAMANI !! I will buy all your books.......

So true one tends to normalise unacceptable behaviour due to their own unhealed childhood experiences 🙏

Love Dr Ramani. I ordered her book and I'm very excited to read this. She's been a light in so many peoples' lives.

When you describe trauma bond it is exactly my life. It panics me to think of ending it. However, I have pages of documentation as to why I should.

OMG no resolution and when I crush him with facts, recordings (because of the gaslighting), and diary excerpts then he just makes up rubbish to get upset about. I have to apologise and be wrong always or I am toxic and evil because he says I don't care about him enough, but all I am doing is trying to put out fires he makes. So, done. You are amazing Dr R, so much help, thank you.

I’m happy being single and don’t care if I never date again. Was married for 12 years right out of high school and he was a narc addict. After my divorce I dated and it was nothing but one disaster after another. I gave up and focused on my kids and career. Years later I am still single and empty nester. I’m fine being alone and happy.

This conversation is a true gem. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Absolutely profound! You all touched on my 17 years living with an abusive narc, and my experiences with attempts to build healthy relationships with others at this point in my life. You have really opened my eyes. I feel empowered! Thank you!

Why do people take such delight in putting others down? You Matthew and Dr Ramani are wonderful, fantastic human beings. I love telling my friends, family and total strangers how great they look or how well they have done.

Just ordered Dr. Ramani’s book. I found her on RU-vid a couple of years ago when in the throes of leaving a narcissist and have been following her ever since. Dr. Ramani, your videos helped me give a name to what what I was experiencing. Through your raw honesty, you gave me back my voice. I cannot thank you enough for the work you do.

This video is a great example of a fruitful cooperation between the two of you!! I'm grateful for it ❤🎉

Unyielding??!! Yes we flippin love you Ramani!!! It IS unyielding AND unending. You both are just fab. Matthew-there are just no words for you either, and what you do-its so helpful. And authentic. For you both to talk on such a sensitive topic as well, It was just so great to see you together as twin powers. Thank you both for helping us fellow humans on evolving and being more conscious in what our emotions and experiences are doing to us, and how we stay in it or choose to leave it!💚

Dr Ramani's RU-vid videos helped me in my darkest days. Now I'm free from the pain the narcissist inflicted on me. When she said to us - victims of narc, we will eventually move on and reach the "gray rock" period, it was hard to believe. Now I've fully healed and moved on.

Dr. Ramni is the best! Thank you for a great interview with her.

"It's not you" could be core book lessons for prerequisite courses for your clients, great conversation there.

I 100% support the at-least-12-month gap between relationships. It's a magic duration that I know myself ever better than before and have more insights into my life.

Justifying their actions, i completely agree!! We make excuses for them. Ive learned not to do this. And i have some close friends i run things by immediately and i listen to them now where i did not in the past.

Wow the way you introduced her shows how much your bond is strong❤

I have just ended my first vulnerable narc relationship. Took 2 years but I’m out. I’m researching and follow Dr. Ramani for understanding. I wanted to let it go of researching BUT the way that this interviewer “sold” this book she wrote, I have to have it AND READ. So much gratitude for caring enough to really help me understand this important information. ❤

Amazing job, , thanks a lot for sharing! 👍🥰👏🎉

Complicated grief….so true. My narc ex walked away after a 20 year marriage and 2 teenagers. Moved to another countryto be with this affair partner. His family have more or less forgotten we exist and have encouraged this new relationship. That part was just so hard to come to terms with as I always got along so well with them. So much grief for the life we once had. We are all still completely shocked and still find it hard to talk about and it’s been a year since he left

This woman is amazing ! And literally saved my life 🥰thank you

This book is phenomenal. This is literally all of Dr Ramani’s years and years of hard driven work. I feel absolutely blessed to have her knowledge, both personal and academically. I pre-ordered my first copy and upon delving into it, I realized the “gift” I had received. I ordered 2 more copies for my daughters. Congratulations Dr Ramani ❤on the response to your fabulous new book. You deserve all the praise coming your way. You are changing peoples lives … We finally know what happened to us . And there is a way back to ourselves again. I cannot thank-you enough ❤❤

SO much of this also applies when working for narcissistic managers (toxic management)! *

I want to hug Dr. Ramani 🤗 We would have been great childhood friends.

What a blessing! Thank you for this video, love Dr. Ramani's work, ☺🥰🎉Just ordered her book! Can't wait to have your love life and it's not you in my journey of healing and love❤

I wish Dr. Ramani was my mother! 😥💕💕💕💕

I just love her and this entire conversation!! It scratches all of my past issues and acknowledges that my healing is right on track!! I am so happy to finally be out of a very long, draining, trauma bond. I have learned so much about myself.❤❤

Dr Ramani is simply awesome❣

I just started reading the first chapter of this amazing book

This was the most nourishing youtube vidoe i have seen. The information was so interesting and delivered with ease and clarity. Your connection, your friendship , your support for Dr Ramanis book, it was all perfect wonderful and a gift to see. Thank you for uplifting me

Both my favourite people in a conversation on my most favourite topic !!!! Love and power to both of you ❤

Thank you both. I walked through this alone 14 years ago with 2 babies. I sooooo appreciate this work from both of you.

Thank you for having this conversation. I’m reading the book 📚

Matthew asks such thoughtful, wonderful questions.

2 of most favorite people!!! Thank you, this was amazing!

Excellent podcast Matthew! I’ve been a Dr Ramani fan for at least six years now. I’ve learned so much. She’s fantastic!!

“Accommodating someone is a race to the bottom.” 🔥

Love her channel and yours : thank you guys for making this ❤

OMG- The both of you together!! Yay :) Thank You for all your work and guidance.

Such a great vid 🙏🏼 I seriously should watch this every day for the next month. Just found her book and excited to dig in!

It's never too late to learn but I thank God for the both of you. Dr Ramani, has helped me in ways I can't even describe. I have finally learned to handle Narcs, and walk away unscathed. A very different picture from my younger self, where I was so very innocent and vulnerable to their claws. I am bullet proof today and I owe it to Dr Ramini and also your videos which have been so very helpful to me. I was clueless and only blamed myself for everything, even though I didn't know what it was I did so wrong.. I look at my younger self and I cry for that innocent girl, that is no longer me. Never again, a victim. I have also become very much self assured without being overly confident, as today I know who I am and I am not less than anyone.. The reality is that we must believe in ourselves always and stck to a moral code that you won't allow anybody to break through. If someone isn't respectful, walk away and say nothing. That, in itself is very powerful. Never take the bait and if you do, don't internalize it, just keep walking.. I let them win, but in reality , it's me the one who won. PRACTICE DEEP..."don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize" technique by Dr Ramani. . …

Love to see these types of collabs! Thank you! ❤

Yes. My mother says that her mother did the same things and that it is what it is. I said that stops with me. So true! I don’t hit my child, or yell, or punish for every little thing. She’s the happiest kid on the planet! Spot on 💯👏🏻❤️

Regarding refrigerators, everyone can tell you he's a great guy or you think he's a great guy. You think you know what you want out of a person and they show you that in the beginning, maybe they are funny and kind. Then, the narcissist will change as soon as he has you. The refrigerator will not change after you buy it lol so even if you know you want a kind, funny, respectful, honest partner.... a narcissist changes after no matter how much research you do. You can ask his parents and everyone he knows, and they all say he's a great guy, but then you move in together, and he turns into a monster. Objects don't change, and if you get the wrong one, you can return it. It's harder to return a narcissist 😂

Dr Ramani saved my life❤ parents, sister and almost all of my friends were narcissistic. Existed in a form of restless chaos for years. Trying to save them from crisis or celebrating their bravados. I Have no family of my own or normal job. At 50 I am finally at peace. Went no contact with the “friends” and limited contact with sister and parents. I see them totally differently now. Like I am watching absurd theatre. It’s all about them and I don’t expect anything from them anymore. I stopped following their rules, changing their narrative. They could not stand it. They kill your soul. I can see this now❤

Dr. Ramani is glowing in this 💜 Such an incredible beautiful soul, the both of you ✨

It's been 13 years. So much of this resonates but others don't, he gaslight and breaks promises knowing he might lose me but then acts as if I'm crazy. He came home from.a scholarship trip and told me he has feelings for a 20 year old but wants to work it out with me. He has always told me I need to hang out with family and friends but I always still isolated myself. He would do things for me anytime I'd ask even when it wouldn't benefit him but overall I believe he has a lot of tendencies. I am really struggling with the idea we will never be together again. I thought he was my safe place but I was obviously wrong.

Wow! I love when my favorite RU-vid people cross each other.

Dr. Ramani, What feels "right for me". Listen to yourself❤❤ Dr. Ramani, Your Number #1 Don't make it personal. It is biggest problem with realizing I had nothing to make it happen. Our minds are ok. My heartbreak 💔 is sad and real. I can't change nor on retrospect, I expect change since both have always lied! My life is going forward 🙂 as I deserve 😌 God bless you ❤️

This is absolutely fascinating! I love it! Dr.Ramani is so insightful and really got me thinking about how unhealthy trauma bonding is!

Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me understand that I was not too sensitive or overreacting to the narcissists' abuse, and in fact, that sensitivity was a warning from my higher mind.

Love this convo ⭐️

Thank you Audrey for the question around selfishness vs narcissism. Very enlightening

Dr Ramani I agree with you on many of your topics! You remind me of my fathers sister, my aunt, who was a math teacher and a guidance counselor, very intelligent woman who was so kind, nice, and influenced me greatly in life! I appreciate you so much Dr Ramani!❣️