One important thing I learned is that I shouldn't expect people to return favours. If I decide to help someone, I must realise they may not be as grateful as I wish they were, and that's fine.
I wish more people would realize this. Being on the receiving end of this negative behavior is pretty nasty as well. Like when you accept help from someone and then they behave as if you owe them. Help for the sake of helping!
I personally expect reciprocation at some point. I will accept that a favour can't be cashed in on, if I'm given a legitimately honest reason for their unavailability... but if I'm being ignored or the can kicked down the road too often, I consider the person to be unreliable or manipulative. I'm fairly lenient on those timelines too. But when I feel people are doing too much for me I will begin refusing their help until I can get to a point where I can begin repaying them. Which reminds me I need to take my friend out to few more movies. *edited to add some possible clarification.
Underrated aspect about this channel: No cuts. Just one continuous take. That proves you really know what you’re talking about and can share this information with confidence and conviction. Excellent video as always :)
@@crazymike1706 That's the exact point. I've watched many of his videos, and he has fantastic insights on a variety of charisma related topics and really does know what he's talking about.
Yes. Making decisions on your drawn line and experience. If someone asks you for a favor that crosses the line, just let them know that's that is too much to ask and they probably won't be that upset but will respect it.
@@bolobalaman if the people around you hate you bc you dont do what they want then they all are doing a favor to you and u havew to get new good people in youre life
Juan Cruz yes that’s is true but let’s say u stuck with them like in high school and place that u have to stick around with for along time. Sometime i think u gotta compromise abit to have a less stressful life. Of course i still have a line with such people.
Hey Charlie! I've been thinking about this lately. You said that you used to be shy and more introverted when you were younger before you learned all the charisma tricks you're teaching us. After you changed, have you ever thought that the new you isn't genuine anymore? Are we actually charismatic or just shy people that know how to appear charismatic? Is it just a mask? I know it's a heavy question lol but I really don't know how to answer it. Thanks!
Having charisma does not mean changing your personality. Charisma refers to creating an impactful positive impression on someone. A quiet person can also have charisma. Think of Zayn Malik or Ryan Gosling.
Spot on! People pleasing can be a subtle form of manipulation (possibly well intentioned) that covers up insecurity and the belief that "others only like me for what I can give them". Instead, a healthier mentality might be, "I like me and I like others, so I treat both myself and others well with consistently high standards". Love your videos! :) Keep up the great work.
A subtle form of manipulation? I love how you turn something that is created in order to survive a wrathful childhood into a person trying to manipulate others. People learn that others only like them conditionally early on in life again in childhood. These aren't beliefs they just created out of thin air. A people pleaser would be happier not doing that so much and being more authentic. But you don't need to go making it something so negative and shadowy, like they are trying to trick you by their people pleasing.
@@theshimmering2064 @The shimmering everyone's a people pleaser it's actually smart because it comes from not wanting to be outcasted by the tribe for survival. Humans are social creatures so we learn early on in order to maintain peace we need to somewhat people please to maintain relationships you wouldnt be able to be bluntly honest with your spouse or friends all the time or they'll eventually leave because people would rather accept a lie that makes them feel good than a truth that makes them feel bad. So when ever people say stop being a people pleaser I do this 🙄 because we are this way because evolution and the need to survive.
Everyone in the rat race is trained to please people... You wouldn't tell your boss "No" to any task even if you know it is ridiculous on the inside. It is not your fault, it is social conditioning, but being aware of it is important, this is a great video.
>You wouldn't tell your boss "No" to any task even if you know it is ridiculous on the inside. The difference here is being a people pleaser is something you do because you fail to assert your boundaries, while not telling no to your boss is just respecting hierarchy. If your boss is abusing his role and being unreasonable, feel free to tell him no, the law is on your side.
Sure I do. I don't do a definitive "no", because then I would not do what I am payed to do. But I do voice my concerns about certain tasks and say "I don't want to do this, because...". More often than not my boss says "Do it!" and I will. Sometimes though he sees what I am seeing. As mentioned in the video: Not everything is black and white and not every boss is only that. Some are real leaders and really try to do a good job.
Sorry to burst this bubble, but actually, you are INCORRECT about that. Most of the time, due to hierarchy, a person tends to be agreeable to a boss's demands. BUT there are rarer instances when the boss is demanding something simply TOO ridiculous, obviously abusive of office... OR worse, as in my own case a couple of times, outright ILLEGAL... In which case, I heartily recommend not only a stern, "No, sir." but even the freedom to respond flat-out, "Go fuck yourself, sir." ...or even worse depending upon just how egregious the demand. The fact is, regardless of social climes or conditioning, we live in a society based on LAWS and RESPECT. The so-called "caving in" to demands over monetary gains absolutely must be weighed against the structure of that society and we individually must support it. This comes at a constant cost of personal responsibility. Regardless of a command or requirement, it is still the person receiving that command or requirement who must "pull the trigger" and commit to the deed itself. Otherwise, the courts asking "Why did you commit murder?" really CAN be answered with "I was just doing my job." OR perhaps, "Why did you commit MASS murder?" can be answered the same... ;o)
Plenty of people would tell their boss no, or at least voice their concerns/opinion. Especially someone who has been there a long time and feels comfortable. The people-pleaser would just go along with it, being resentful or thinking the whole thing was stupid, the confident and authentic person would question it first. "Hey, I know you wanted me to do X but that seems redundant because of Y. I think working on Z would be a better use of our time." "I think this assignment would be better handled by ..." "I don't think X will add enough value for the amount of work it will take." "Can we postpone this assignment until after we finish X?" "We don't have the manpower to take on that project right now" All those responses are not only true to what you're thinking, but they are also more useful to the boss and company. Of course if your boss says "do it anyway" you would, but it's important to let them know your opinions. That's how you get noticed and demonstrate your worth. If you have suggestions on how things could be done better any sane boss would be thrilled to listen. If a project isn't worth doing for whatever reason, that's important information too.
I have lived in fear of cruel bosses and co-workers for so long, I have put myself in a shell, dissembling to a point where my old charisma is gone. Your videos are helping.
I’m an opposite of this personality and that doesn’t afford me a lot of friends. No problem with that, though! At least the friends that I do have are real 😄
Can you do a video on Rami Malek? I think he would be an interesting person since his charm and humor is quite different from most people and he has a unique body language and way of speaking. He's one of the most intriguing celebrities, I would love to see your analysis!
*Needy* *Have bad self-esteem* *Zero awareness* *Work on yourself, by looking within and trying to master your mind. It will make your life miserable, if it has control over you.*
i feel like the selfish and lazy part of everyone should also be talked about with this. in the first point, that inner voice could simply be not wanting to help someone or give up your time because you're being lazy or selfish or prideful. also, sometimes doing the right thing isn't enjoyable, and that can't be the be-all-end-all measurement. your insights are much appreciated as always! and being able to say no is hugely important. but i think the above clarification should be made so people don't take it to a negative extreme. a follow up video on the difference between being a people pleaser and being a servant/a person who brings great value would be awesome to see!
Hey charlie just wanted to say thanks for all the videos, they all helped me out with presentations, performance and even on videos in my channel. keep up the great job love from Jerusalem ✌😜
I used to think that it was bad that I would behave the same way around different people. Whether it's a driver or a servant or it's a teacher in my school or it's my best friend, I would--at the core--behave in the same manner with all of them. And I used to think that this was wrong, that the people whom I interact with are different, so I should behave with them differently. This video has eliminated that doubt within me. Really cool, man. These videos are really relatable and authentic. Thanks a ton!
I became happy, after I stopped caring what other people thought of me. That doesnt mean you dont still try to be charismatic to gain respect, be a better person, etc. But you need to have grounding in who you are.
You can take a stand without being obstinate. Tact & grace. Sometimes even taking a stand on what is right is risky unfortunately. But hopefully your principled nature will serve you in the end.
I find that "No" is okay, particularly if you offer an alternative. Provided you frame it correctly, your boss is likely to start asking your input on their ideas, rather than just implementing them.
I can see you've transitioned to genuineness rather than simple 'putting on an act' type of charisma. The change is great to see, I've been going through the same thing and this is helping immensely!
This works if you're a normal person who's been around normal people and grew up with a normal childhood and has developed normal mannerisms and conversation, interests etc. If you're screwed in the head or behave oddly because of what you've been through this isn't going to work... At all. Don't you think? You know what people are like. You're trying to be kind and genuine, and teach charisma but do you think most the people in your life are going to be like that? No. Why expose your genuine personality in that case? And risk exclusion and or ridicule even if you assert your self respect? I've not even begun to mention mental illness like depression or anxiety. I feel your videos work only for ordinary people who have had the privilege of avoiding trauma and just aren't connecting to themselves, how can they work on truly individual people? Also your video is a misnomer. I was genuine then as well with those comments Do you see the charisma oozing from me?
COC is my favorite! I love COC! You were such an inspiration that I made my own channel with video essays (and other dating stuff too) The last one I made was on Pete Davidson. I’m surprised you didn’t make one about him too! Anyway, hope yo connect in the future and meet you one day. -Anthony
Yeah, you don't wanna live your life just for the sake of pleasing people. What's most important is pleasing yourself. Ideally, you would like to please as many people as you can while pleasing yourself in the process. Because let's face it, nobody wants everybody to dislike them.
I love this video, Charlie. It really opened my eyes and I realise I was once in that people pleasing mode but have worked out of it. I like making everyone feel comfortable around me and it's not specific to particular groups. But then sometimes I feel like I'm losing their respect in doing so...
There's more to people pleasers. Sometimes they act this way because letting the internal voice speak got them back bad reactions from people, which could very well mean in some cases that their internal voice is not necessarily in the right. Maybe some become people pleasers just because they desire to demand too much from people, for example. The inner voice can be messed up in itself!!
roger Definitely, I think that a too harshly judgmental upbringing can freeze you and in result make you emotionally immature which ends up prolonging the negative response you get from people when you are sincere. Wish you the best!
Just to add a different perspective. Some of those people could have been abused, not that anyone should fix another person. But if you were to engage, in general, it might add wisdom to what you might say or see. My parents just plain made me feel like crap for having my opinions, feelings or desires. When they weren't busy "dealing" with each other. So, especially one parent in particular, utilized guilt like a club; also loving to gaslight at any chance when I would be vulnerable. Being born and raised into it, is messy. I knew, I wanted to be NOTHING like them; so I did accidentally go polar opposet. Being "too nice" {heard that a lot} On top of it, at times people being "genuinely" kind, showing interest or honest towards me felt kinda like fire on my skin. Make my whole being clutch in fear. Perspective is getting somewhat better. Life can be confusing sometimes, for some of us. Keep strong!
I am a recovering codependent. As hard as this healing journey has been, I can't help but be amused at the people who rage at me when I actually say NO to them or don't do what they want me to do because they are so used to my people-pleasing ways..I've never been more flattered to be called an a-hole lol. Take your power back!!
I am only people pleasing when it's like a distant relative or someone I don't really know because if your visiting some old friends and they ask for help Refusing just because you don't want to would be unnmannerly
Ugh.. I do feel like I people please all the time, but I do it all the time. Like I'm not only a certain way with certain ppl, like i consistently across the board am trying to help better someones day or situation or figure out a way to help or solve whatever problem there may be at the time.. So.. I dont know lol
Yesterday in the middle of school I horrifically realized that I'm so used to doing this very thing that when my ears hear 'can I...', without my brain even catching up with the question or sometimes even letting the person finish the question I find that my mouth has already said 'Sure' and vice versa when my ears hear a person start a sentence with 'would you like...' or more likely 'Do you want...' my mouth is already saying 'No thanks' and more and more I find that not even a second later I look like a deer in headlights and regretting my answer because either 'no you absolutely cannot' or actually 'yes I would like some' but I feel way to embarrassed to actually correct myself
I'm just realising this. I absolutely am a people pleaser. I do everything in order to be liked. I don't wanna create tension in the conversation. I can see the disgust in peoples faces when i'm choosing for me. I fear that they won't like me anymore. That they will hate me for the rest of their life. That they will be dissapointent in me. That I owe them something in order to keep the balance of likeability. What happens to me in conversations is that I will crumble in my attitude. It's almost like i'm going back to a phetus position. I wanna run away and protect myself.
But let's say you are genuinely a calm and serious person (not a funny or exciting Person) then you will have trouble meeting people and make them want you to be around them because you are just genuinely boring af. What to do then?
I might be exceptionally inept at small talk, but this is definitely a problem I don't have! I only deal in facts and logic, and just do not give emotionally charged responses to anyone, no matter how I'm spoken to. I've found this to be a rather peaceful existence, and people's constant concern of other people's approval has always baffled me; just stay 100% honest, don't lie, cheat, or steal, and just be genuine and live for everyone around you (sounds kind of cheesy, but it works), and _know_ that you're doing that, and if anyone has a problem with you, you can know they're probably inventing it, or magnifying something, or are misunderstanding something, and if you just don't raise your voice, no argument is going to go anywhere out of control.
There are multiple sides to trying to be 100% honest and logical; I can sometimes state "negative" things about myself in a neutral tone, possibly sounding like I'm trying to draw sympathy when it's really an observation, or just sharing of information; while, on the other hand, I feel like I sometimes say inadvertently self-praising things in a passing manner, making me then wonder later if I accidentally came off as "look at how well I do in this"; I feel like the comment above may have given off some of that, when in reality, I just hope that somebody finds something to gain from it.
you just have different brain chemistry. I unfortunately have the Elliot Rodger curse of autism and social anxiety disorder which makes me care what people think of me on an extreme level. The anxiety makes it nearly impossible to get over people pleasing and when people look at me as weak, treat me like a pushover, or think negatively of me, the anger makes me want to "kill" them and I probably would if I had nothing to lose. none of this would be a problem if I didn't have a brain that was wired this badly.
Uuhhhggg.......this hit close and hard. I'm in the autumn of my life and I'm *STILL* attempting to learn the difference between people pleasing and practicing kindness and treating people as I want to be treated. These videos are helping. For that I truly thank you.
But I have a question. What if I'm trying to be selfless? When I do something for someone and I don't nessesarily like it but I tell myself I'm doing it to train myself and get my instinctual self to listen. Because I don't want to be selfish. However I do realise there are areas where I please people when I shouldn't. But in this particular aspect is that being a people pleaser?
If you are doing things for someone you don't need to be doing just so that person likes you then STOP IT! It makes them actually NOT respect you or your time. Respecting and taking care of yourself will make others respect and care for you.👍
Great content. I feel like this is spot on me. My anxiety makes me feel like I never want to disappoint someone by saying no even though my inside voice constantly tells me to put myself first. Thanks for the confirmation. ❤️
I know exactly what you mean. A counselor I spoke to said that when you drastically change your behavior while around the people you are attracted to, you are placing more value on their opinion of you than your own opinion of yourself. What he told me to do is to find absolute truths about myself. These are facts about my character that are true regardless of what anyone says. Even if that person I find attractive flat out rejects me, those truths do not change therfore who I am has not changed.
i know that i am people pleasing but i just can't do anything against it. i just hate for other people to feel bad or embarrassed and that's also why i just can't say no. so i often do things i actually don't want to do and i am sick of it :( but i just can't help it.
So is it lacking in charisma if you do nice things without an expectation of some kind of payback but get hurt when someone doesn't say thank you? Does that count as an expectation?
You have to be a people pleaser when youre broke. This is honestly one of my biggest reasons for why I want to make get rich, so I can finally stop caring about what others think of me and just be myself wherever with whoever no matter how much more superior they feel.
Before you listen to this; I wanted to tell you, that you are beautiful and exceptional. Also your a phenomenal human being; I love you and I hope positive experiences will start happening in your life, if they haven't already. Keep moving forward my friend; start adopting positive and beneficial habits & behaviors. Eat healthy and treat yourself with kindness, in addition to others also. Fair well my friend; God Bless you
Hi Charlie ,I found there are people uploading your videos on a Chinese version of RU-vid for commercial gain,I feel like it’s pretty suspicious ,I don’t think they have your permission ,Do u want to know more about this
Mister Doctor it’s not how to “appear” charismatic. It’s how to BE charismatic. Part of that is speaking your mind, Being honest good or bad but trustworthy.
Hey I just wanted to say thanks. For this video. This is something I've noticed about myself recently and had no clue where to start. Thanks for the first steps!
I’m a terrible people pleaser 😭😭 so is my dad. I’m commenting before watching this video... I hope this video helps me Edit: I am funnier and more talkative around certain people... but only those who I’m comfortable with. If I’m uncomfortable around someone, I’m pretty quiet. I’m not consistent with my personality but that’s anxiety :/
im the same way, im much more talkative around people im comfortable with. it's nearly impossible around people im not and thats nearly every person in my life. I literally have no idea how to get rid of the anxiety. cognitive behavioral therapy hasn't shown any indication of working for me. I'm honestly at the point where I simply just hate people.
The second point. Covered contracts. This is something we all do in DAILY life. Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes not. It’s VERY useful to start analyzing ourselves when we do it. Easy example is when we tell someone “I love you” mainly hoping to hear it back
Omg! Everyone in my house is like that! My parents are like that and they taught me well! Thanks for this video, it makes me see a lot (sorry if the english is not 100%, I’m brazilian)
Hi I'm not sure if you'll read this but I'm currently in middle school going through some anxieties about things that are very small and I know shouldn't matter that much, I don't know if you've made a video about it but is there any tips you have about this? I've been watching a lot of your videos and they help very very much so thank you for what you do and you inspire me to be a psychologist and a better person, thank you! ❤
If you like psychology, watch some Jordan Peterson videos, he has some really insightful things to say! He also has very useful advice for anxiety. You can watch his lectures or just those super clickbaity "motivational" videos on youtube
I consider myself a nice guy and when i'm comfortable I am very energetic and very bubbly. But often stray into anxiety-filled paralysis with even the same people I am comfortable with because oftentimes I just feel incapable of socially connecting depending on my mood and level of anxiety. It feels like starting over everytime. I used to be able to natrually be myself but now there is a huge disconnect between who I know I am to what my anxiety makes me become. Therefore, I find myself trying very hard to feel a connection because if I don't, my anxiety will keep me paralyzed and I just won't speak. The fluctuation is crazy, not because I am trying to gain something, but because some days are way more exhausting than others. I'm not sure if it counts as people-pleasing because I have things I believe in and am passionate about, but at the same time will 'try harder' than usual at times for a positive connection.
you have social anxiety disorder like me. social anxiety leads to people pleasing behaviors. When I'm around people I'm more comfortable with, I can be more of myself, I can tell the person no or what I don't like but finding people I'm comfortable enough to be like that around is extremely rare for me.
Ive always thought of myself as a chameleon. It reminds me of people pleasing but differs a bit. I try to be loyal to everyone, i feel comfortable pleasing everyone. My energy levels doesnt really change depending on who i am with, i kind of like taking turns socialising with different groups. In school, there are always groups naturally created, and i like to switch around to embrace all perspectives, it gives me secrets. People start sharing secrets with me quite fast. I love keeping these secrets to myself, cause if i show that i am reliable, i get more secrets, and that tells me that they feel comfortable with me. 10 years ago in ninth grade (15 y/o) i won the friendship prize by a big margin according to the principal, so its been a big part of my life. But im not sure if being nice and adapting is good for me in the long run. I got accused of not knowing who i really am. And i mean, im comfortable by being fluid. Is a dynamic personality a personality? But i think becoming more selfish would be something good for me, ill atleast try.
I am too very largely and “adapter” ,I suppose is what I’ll call them. But I don’t get nearly get just as close as you have in order for people to tell me secrets ,or would ever get a Friendship Award because I’m not as big of an extrovert. As I’m just assuming you are. Then again I’m only in middle school and can’t be sure. I have a question for you though. Who and how accused you of not having a personality? How did they notice? I’d think to most it’d just seem like you’re being social ,right?
@@negg7046 Im actually introvert. It was a girl i kind of was dating. She noticed that i was to compliant with what she was "demanding", i guess she got the feeling of that i was too easy to control. But for me, as long as its not uncomfortable or frustrating ill roll with it, and i have a really high patience/tolerance. Perfect working ant haha. And she was kind of the opposite of me, ruthless but still cool. I did get a bit suprised since i felt she needed company now and then, and we definitely enjoyed eachothers intimacy. Might contact her again, she will respond if she also felt like breaking contact was a bad idea. Ive recently gotten to know that partners often look for signs of potential success in life. And for me to show these signs i need to become more solid as a starter.
ScoutiverTTV Interesting! That was very insightful and I’ll definitely try to ,try to ,stop some of my old habits ,which seemed similar to some of yours. Farewell fellow introvert.
