I Was A People Pleaser Until I Read This... 

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Constantly pleasing others is ACTIVE BETRAYAL TO YOURSELF.

The book is “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover

I am a people pleaser that raised a people-pleasing son. Now he is getting married to a narcissist woman and I am devastated. She controls everything he does and is not allowed to come to visit me alone.

A people pleaser sounds similar to someone with a social phobia. In pathological shame, fear of rejection, no boundaries, no inner strength of personality, lack of authenticity.

Decide who you’re likely to piss off and just live with the consequences. Because you’re going to piss off somebody.

I disliked the book because it felt like reading advice from someone hating themselves when I went through an already brutal time. You can view yourself and the way you interact with the world detached and figure out why certain things don't work how you want it. While it took some years, I figured out that being nice is not the worst thing you can do. Be a gentleman. People love it. Avoid toxic people like the pleague. Be honest but not cruel. In romantic relationships be prepared to fight every now and then instead of ducking away until you've actually solved your issues and you'll be fine.

That you acknowledged that you had a part in the end of the relationship and that you sought to change your behavior and your way of thinking is one of the most rare insights people have. I plan to share this video with my husband who is a 100% people pleaser.

Shame is a tough one... where it originated hurts.

Most of us people pleasers come from our childhoods, its the way we had to be to please our parents...it happened to me. Found it tough getting through life, but we have to learn to say no to others and live our own lives...

Fact that he defines pussy is absolutely incredibly hilarious

I am definitly a people pleaser and I feel like I almost unconsciously protected/reinforced those patterns by working as a server in a restaurant for my whole life. Those traits helped me being good at my job but now it just feels like I ve never really done anything for myself. I appreciated your video, thank you for sharing your experience!

People pleasing just ruin my life,I never think of my self,most times I feel I disconnected from my self.

ha, never knew the expression came from that pusillanimous word.

Can relate to always feeling the need to smile and the crows feet that comes from that lol. I would notice that after a social situation that I would leave feeling empty yet my face muscles would be sore.

I don’t strive to please everyone, but I do strive to live in peace with everyone. If it is up to me anyway.

I know that I and many women have the pleaser sindrome… I didn’t realise that men ALSO can suffer from this. God bless you for sharing this and working on yourself 🤗💚💚💚💚⭐️👍🏼

Wow, you just described me. I am a retired woman and everything you described was how I was from the time I was a young child. I got some therapy in my 40s and that helped I can see where I still have people pleasing tendencies. Thanks for your video. Keep on going.

I say No a lot -- alot a lot. The love of self is paramount for every person. With that, you will never let someone manipulate you, much less disrespect you much.

I STUPIDLY crashed a motorcycle on a beautifully sunny day on a gorgeous mountain road BECAUSE I let rage of a bitter past breakup almost kill me… & tear up my bike. I emerged relatively unscathed… amazingly, with some passing motorists stopping to aid me. The GOOD thing about this ‘mishap’ [100% MY FAULT] was the resounding ‘wake-up call’ it was, bringing a flurry of things into focus about myself that were dreamily idiotic… … like ill advised romances. My life got a lot better after that motorcycle crash, & I consciously chose to be a different person… & would check myself if slipping… … & this carried over into my career as well.

Highly underrated video. Well worth the watch! Thank you for making it.

The first 1min, you really got me straight to my heart. Yes, we the pleasers tend to be lonely at heart

Thank you for a wonderful and extremely helpful talk. As you spoke of about this, I felt like you were “ stalking” me. I just purchased the book. It’s never too late to learn something even at age of 60.

It feels like if I don't act kind to them I will became a bad person.... And the problem is I cant say no to anyone it's really a bad thing

This is very interesting because I’m not a guy, but I’ve also been a people pleasing person myself. You did a wonderful job in telling your story. Very good points

You have upgraded my vocabulary, thank you.

Not being the guy that loses is not the same as being the guy that wins .

Thank you so much. I'm happy to see a true example of someone who get out of the people pleaser syndrome. I'm on the journey of getting free and this gives me hope.

Thanks for sharing that bro, makes me feel less alone

Your face is the most obvious thing you wear; your smile the best way to improve your magnetism. It makes you feel better as soon as you do it, try it. It makes others perceive confidence and an internal achievement - far more important than being a rat in a race. This is not nice guy syndrome, but needs to be said. It is physiological and prompts an improved mood. I am in sales, work with highly pressured people, and glide above many of my co-workers in success. I am asked to do public speaking to represent the business which helps my career, asked to do training,...they want a happy person to show the company is a place you can be happy and it is true. If you are insecure, it does help you feel a little better and will help you be confident - sorry, its a fact, but is not nice guy syndrome discussed here. Do count your blessings and be grateful - you are alive and able to do things. It creates social magnetism in all of western society. In nations with much oppression, or police states, people will see you as a fool or crazy - do not do this where people rarely smile. I always have a slight smile when greeting, volunteering, and helping others - it can makes them feel better as well and we live in a society where interconnection, generosity, and gratefulness only help you. Or be a loner, do not care about the others and keep them away. Your life.

I've been really getting into your videos these last few weeks. A heartfelt thank you.

Bootiful.. Thank You...

This is me!!! Started in childhood. I am breaking free ty for this video!

Thanks for sharing Oliver, this was fantastic. It was relatable.

Thank you! Just downloaded the audiobook 😊❤

Hi Oliver, this is an excellent video. Thank you for your courage and honesty in exploring this topic.

Really powerful thanks for sharing. I used to be a people pleaser too

Dam I'm blessed because I have never been a ppl please n I bravely call them out on their bullshit too.

Thanks for this talk now I understand it all.

Thank you for sharing. Very interesting and helpful.

thanks for the summary and action steps!

Bro this is so raw, thank you so much for sharing your journey Oliver! Made me feel less alone.

I was lucky having mostly male teachers in an old fashioned grammar school. So many organisations are now female dominated and women keep on presenting themselves as being hard done by. Women can also be very good at manipulating nice guys - my ex-wife was brilliant at it. I felt guilty all the time and I was always apologising.

Thank you for making this. Step 1: Neediness 4:43 Step 2: Masculinity 6:14 Step 3: Shame 7:40 Step 4: Boundaries 8:40 Step 5: Ask 9:52

I relate to your story. Just want you to know others out there know how brutal it is and it's a good thing you can stand here today and talk about it.

This book is literally a gem. It has helped me a lot

Hello Oliver, so much of your content relates to me so I just wanted to say a big thank you for making these videos. Your content has been really helpful in diagnosing my main problems and understanding how to move forward, which Im just starting to do, so once again thank you very much and I really hope your channel gets the attention it deserves.

I Have Been a People Pleaser From Age 15 to 29 Now ... I Hope To Change it From Watching This Video

thank you it was very pleasing to hang out with you :):

Thanks for this.

Wow, a great story of personal growth.

Very powerful thank you

I needed this i want to heal the issues that came between me and my persons I can now have a balanced and healthy relationship

Nice little channel my guy has got going here! I hope he gets more lots more subscribers ❤

That‘s a sick video brother

Pleased to see a relatively smaller [or just not massive, I guess] channel getting pushed to my feed, and well done! Keep it up! I liked the info and your demeanor, and I'mma check out that book.

Man you are amazing ..can't believe that you had hard time with girls ..thanks for the information..👍👏

Wow. Different circumstances, but the same root issue(s) and eventual recovery (ongoing). "Toxic shame", and the others...have you been stalking me outside my house, Oliver? lol I am buying the book this week. Thanks. Subscribed.

The light went on for me as a people pleaser when someone I’ve always been kind to decided to stop speaking to me. I used to turn myself inside out dealing with this bullshit, always blaming myself. I didn’t realize two things. A. That person is the asshole. B. No one is that special. Really wish that would’ve dawned on me a lot sooner.

I love your accent so much

Bro this dude has a very intresting vibe to him i like him ❤

TIL the antique etymology of the slang use of the word "pussy." Thank you, Oliver. _Kick ass out there._

This video scares me because it's so relatable.

So the book is an insightful read. Also pick up something that relates to personal responsibility. The idea is start relying on just yourself if others fall flat on their agreements. Finally a definite help in handling situations that leave you unprepared to handle is to like he said write down what happened, what should have happened, what was said, wha should have been said and a written story for your self as to how you want things to go in the future. It does not help to just think it through. It is the writing process that is required to hard wired thinking for your mind to make timely decisions in the future. The writing process focuses the mind in a good way. It really makes you better.

You have a great energy:) Than You:D

Good stuff. You took responsibility and did the work. Watching this is like looking in a bloody mirror - I also had a string feeling of shame since I was a kid and thought 'masculine' stuff was ... repellent? One thing I did for suppressed rage was to sit with that rage when I felt it. I sat with it and observed it for 20 minutes. Just looking at that feeling of rage without all the associated thoughts. Voila!! That one session had a huge impact on dissipating rage and anxiety. Do this with your regret. It works. (I just wanted to share this technique with people because it really worked for me).

I have this unnatural feeling of rejection whenever a friend d shows any sense of annoyance or disagreeable with me. No matter how hard I try I feel empty. No matter how hard I try, I feel like no one wants to be in my life. It’s depressing and I know that there is something in my life that needs to change.

Great video man, described me to a T. I'm improving slowly saying how I feel but I feel awful every time I do haha but equally relieved I seem to repress a lot of it and hold in the rage. I need to just say how I feel in the moment!

I have 95% female friends since I became 30, they are less touchy to tease and the tone never gets lurid, I can always end the drinking on a night out as male friends just go on and on and if they do find a partner you will still see them, a male friend that finds a partner can be gone forever.

Honestly, you just described me and I am a 47 y old woman😊 I came to the realization of who I really am and how to handle it a few years ago. I wish I had this book in my 20s.

Biggest problem in my life, great to see other people being able overcome it

Crikey succinct...and deep .....and I'm just gonna put a blanket over that mirror ....thanks for the honesty .....😢😢😢

Anyone know an equally good book but for women? 😊

I've finally come to terms with the fact I am a disagreeable individual. I am 46, lonely and conscious the chances of being loved again by a woman are non-existent. So I just work and produce, work and produce Work, writing and reading are my safe places from the void and pain that come from deep within.

How great! Thank you! I've been working through this a long time ,and your perspective is fresh! Something funny to tell you. I'm a longtime acupuncture client, a poetically beautiful view of the body, that links emotions & spirit, in a way that western medicine trivializes. It's urinary bladder that is the organ of courage, as evidenced in the animal kingdom by urine marking territory. As well that courage is a unisex quality. Some brokenness is as absolute as an amputation. Affirmations weren't enough. A different strategy called for

Being a nice guy almost killed me

There is a drug for it. It’s called Trenbalone.

Even from watching the video for 18 seconds I feel you are a good presenter! I actually made a video on peoplepleasing as well, feel free to watch if you want. I go in depth where people pleasing comes from (Childhood)

I thought I am a people pleaser, but watching this video I realised that on my own I managed to start stepping in the right direction. I've recently started hanging out with men more, very recently for the first time I admitted to someone I'm not okay, and I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with myself. Interesting seeing this video now

It's important to place the responsibility for things where it truly belongs. To that end, I try to be careful of slipping into what may be blaming women for when men can't be bothered to show up. After all, if those women had done what your father and the other males did (walked off, not bothered to help, etc), you'd've had absolutely nobody to raise you. But they didn't. Let's be honest; it was women who stuck by you, raised you, and taught you the skills necessary for doing what you're doing right now. If the lack of men around you impacted you negatively, that's not the fault of the women who gave you everything that men refused to. Deadbeat fathers and men who don't care about kids need to be held squarely responsible for their abandonment and neglect. Some men give a damn and do the right thing. The ones who don't, who make all kinds of excuses for themselves, need to be called out (particularly by other men!) until they realize THEIR negative impact on society. Women have been trying (usually to their exhaustion) to make up for this problem for generations. There's no acceptable excuse for just walking away from your own kid, but so many men still just walk off and gift themselves a whole new life, as if no kid ever existed. I hope your father someday realizes the suffering he caused you and begins making amends. But thanks to your mother, you were not an orphan, which is infinitely more painful than just abandonment by ONE parent.

I suspect you learned your people pleasing from all of the women you grew up around, I think we women probably do a lot of people pleasing ( well those over 50 anyway, thankfully the women of a younger generation have woken up and have a society now where you don’t have to cow-tow to get anywhere ) great video for men and women thanks ❤

This nice guy thing can also apply to nice women😅 can completely relate.

Heart breaking is the best 😂

funny guy, what a legend lol

Wow, you are really reaching me. Actually I am a woman. 😊 I watched a looot of videos, most of the time from women. Your vibe is reaching something unreached in me. Thank you so much for your footsteps.

Yes learning to use my voice , is a challenge x

How do we stop the cycle of attracting narcissists? (Do we have to stop being a people pleaser? )

It's an interesting video. I think some of the "nice guy" "trying to be all things to all people", unresolved, thinking & causes of it & too many young men these days being surrounded by/brought up by too many women (not that they are not doing their very, very best) is actually a main cause of S*****s, these days..

Love this book !! You hit the nail on the head with “ I thought if I was nice and made her happy, she would want to have sex with me” ~ women exchange attention & acquisition of material thing$ . . . for sex, and men allow it. We give a woman those things expecting her to sleep with us, which therefore makes it the only leverage a woman has. A man can’t express this need ie “I need sex” and expect to get it, you’ll get 😂 at. And in this modern era of dating, they use it as a weapon, it’s all they have to offer. I’ve been single for years (on purpose) I’m in my late 50s and this is not just my opinion, it’s the consensus amongst all my friends.

Sounds like an important book for all men.

It is one of the best books. Don't be passive-aggressive. This is a female trate, that men should never adopt. Say your peace, your stance, straight away to gain respect.

People pleasers are just afraid to displease. Need to build up that Yang. Too much Yin and not enough Yang makes one very vulnerable. Seems to me these days that most women have more Yang then men. Blame it on Extreme Feminism? I didn't have much Yang either then I started reading PUA material and realized women are attracted to Yang. What better incentive to develope more Yang? Everybody has Yang but most of us repress it. Some Kundalini can help uncoil it as it is coiled up in the based of the spine.

I KNOW ONE

Read “Memoirs of a Fox-hunting man”, written by Siegfried Sassoon ASAP.

Hi Oliver, where can i find a mens group? Im in the UK, cheers

❤❤❤

Perhaps it would be better to address the source of the toxic shame, who's associated with it and how it became part of you. It's not the fault of other people if you have repressed rage that bubbles up and does damage, it's not for them to behave in certain ways for you not to be angry. That's just controlling. Own your shame and anger, examine it, reverse engineer it, dismantle it and leave it behind.

I’m a girl but i’m like this 😢

What if both parents were present but over involved?

Thank you for explaining the word 🐈‍⬛ because some of us women are brave and get triggered with the word 🤣🤣🤣🤣