How women TRAIN men to be ANGRY: don't reward what you don't want 

Most women find male anger terrifying -- which is why it is both tragic and ironic that they often play a part in encouraging it in their primary relationships. In effect, women inadvertently train men to be angry when they ignore, disrespect, or invalidate men who first attempt to communicate non-aggressively. If women only take men's complaints seriously when they escalate to aggression, then they reward men for aggressiveness, making it more likely that aggression will be utilized in the future. I discuss this phenomenon using an example from my own dating history. Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-WrXBzQ2HDEQ.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #pubgmobile #relationship #dating

The absolute irony of this is that after you get to a point where you had to raise your voice, the issue becomes not what you’re saying, but how you were saying it, so they then ignore the issue and focus on the provoked, outrageous, overshadowing that lets them off the hook.

Emotional manipulation is their number one weapon . Just give them silence it drives them crazy

You hit the nail on the head there. 20 yrs of marriage and i should have left yrs ago. I am a shell of my former self. I was a happy go lucky funny comedic guy. Now i find myself blowing up over nothing. Angry at nothing. Just bitter. Now i know why. I have lost myself. No longer. Thank you.

I was perfectly identifying with your story right up to "and then she changed her behavior".

I'm reminded here of an old "Farm Boy" bit of wisdom: "Never wrestle with a pig - you can't win, and after a while, you figure out that the pig is enjoying it.."

I knew a therapist that jokingly told me that “all battered women have one thing in common, they don’t know when to shut up”

I am so happy to see more intelligent criticism of female behavior in these modern days

I went through all three of these phases in order. Anger, internal collapse, and finally gathered the last bit of self respect I had to pull the plug. For the longest time I thought I was the only one going through this and in less than 10 minutes I heard everything I've been going through in the last 2 years explained perfectly. Good luck out there fellas

Experienced divorce lawyer here. Brilliant video. I’d like to add: the message in this video is one reason why many successful, ambitious men choose to NOT live with a woman or get married. If she pushes your buttons, you can (and should) just leave and not look back. Also, I have seen 100’s of domestic violence cases in my career. In some cases, the woman will trigger the guy, and instead of leaving, he makes a bad decision by continuing to engage her in a heated argument. Guys, if you get a whiff of this kind of behavior from a woman, calmly walk away from the relationship. It almost never ends well.

What I love is that they get you to the point where you do have to raise your voice and then they act like you are some type of abuser. They try to make you believe you are a bad person because you got upset.

I had internal thoughts of leaving my previous relationship fairly early on. My parents who were married for 31 years divorced just before I got into the relationship in question. I didn’t want to be like my father and abandon the woman I had committed to. I had thought of leaving within the first year but I stuck it out for four and half years. She was very dismissive and invalidated my feelings every time I expressed them. I became an alcoholic and husk of my former self. I fell down some stairs and injured myself. I tried to quit drinking but weakness got the best of me. She left went she caught me drinking again. She blamed everything on me and told me to go to rehab. She said we can reassess the relationship once I had done that but she needed no contact for the time being. She completely blocked me and it destroyed me for a while. I realize now I am a victim of emotional abuse. I am over a year sober and doing very well. This video was very helpful thank you!

I wish I have seen this 5 years ago. I collapsed, then rebuild and left. 13 years down the drain, most of it spent frustrated and hurt. At least I learned what a narcis is.

"Fighting a woman isn't worth it for a man because there's no way he can win" hit the nail right in the head.

If Doc as a Therapist can't get through, we normal guys have no chance haha

My marriage got ruined in the exactly same manner as you described. She wouldn't listen anything I said. With time I got angrier and angrier and finally snapped. Then she started victimising herself and finally left me. Now I'm at peace again and not thinking of giving it up any time soon. Frankly, I think I've become a little misogynist... and think I just don't care about having a relationship any more. I'm also almost 54 now and tired. Tired of fighting and female drama. Doing what I enjoy the most - music, and trying to put my mental and physical health in order.

I'm a woman, and I used to have this same mindset of using so many words and tactics to "get my point across" to get people to change their minds and behaviors. And when it didn't work, I would resort to anger and aggression. And then I would feel like a monster, and be racked with guilt. Like you, I would just end the relationship because I didn't want to live like that. As I have gotten older, I realized that I was too much in my head. I held an unrealistic expectation, although at those times, I really believed them to be reasonable. Over the past few years, I realized that the more I let things slide and just try to understand the behavior of the other person, I don't get so angry.

Men: Women DO NOT care. End of message.

A lot of women are like that, because if you are calm and collected, they think you're not being serious.

My mother is just like that, but I never even realized it. I was so calm before but unbeknownst to me I became much more irritable and constantly have a deep desire for violence. Now that I look back this is exactly what happened😢

In ancient China there was a fierce and skilled general called Lu Bu, he was an expert of the halberd,swift and terrible,he called the Flying General. It was said " among the men,Lu Bu (is the greatest),among the horses,Red Hare (his). Still,his opponents,knowning they couldn't defeat him in combat,decided to use tactics. They offered him the hand of the beautiful Diaochan,and leveraged that to turn him against his master and allies. Once alone again,Lu Bu was beheaded,and his prized horse taken. So it is said "even great heroes lose against Diaochan" To win against women,you cannot be Lu Bu,you gotta be Vainamoinen

When words don't work, use the silence of your absence.

I divorced my first wife precisely because of this. She would always argue with me after I arrived home from work, she couldn't wait even 5 minutes, as soon as I came in the door she's at me screaming and making accusations, demanding things, telling me how I failed at this or that, everyone else's husband was better than me. Unrelenting. I told her one day after having a verbal fight if she didn't stop this I would leave, of course she had to test that boundary too, and just amped it up. I divorced her soon after. Cost a bomb and I lost everything, including contact with my kids, but that was 10 years ago now, since then I've had 10 years of peace, quiet and happiness with my new wife.

I am a Turkish guy and I'm amazed how well Google subtitle translation works in this video. it does not only translate entire sentences, it also gives the translation of each word at the best place. the language structure of Turkish and English languages are different, so when you translate the sentence the order of verb, subject and object changes entirely. but automated translation still gives words in perfect coherence with video, so the viewer can keep focus.

I experienced exactly what is described in the video in my first marriage (I haven't tied the knot again just yet, though am on my way to). For 13yrs, I communicated my feelings and concerns and was steamrolled and ignored the entire time. It eventually made me withdraw and become exceptionally resentful, until I finally felt like I had no other option and raised my voice and drew a final line. Her solution? Divorce. I learned from that experience and will never allow any partner to do that to me again. Thank you for the video! I'm sure it'll help many people.

This is a perfect video for people dealing with narcissists. You either comply with the BS becoming a shell of your former self or you run as fast as possible!

This one was scary accurate. Say nothing and lose yourself. Argue and lose argument because you cannot win. Leave.

perfect info. i was married twice. when it got abusive, ijust moved on. single and dating at 76 and happy.

Holy shit man,it's late at night and I'm just listening to your playlist and this episode has provoked an absolute breakthrough in my own psychology! I've literally done the wrong things with the right gals. When I spot easy prey,my game turns on and all discouragement dissipates,however with girls whom I actually care about getting with ,I tend to stutter and mumble... excellent work doctor! I literally can't believe how much of my daily doubts and sadness is directly linked to a form of cowardice that I had never been able to identify as being cowardice. I've been to prison and will fight with the toughest of characters and it doesn't bother me, but when confronted with certain circumstances, I am a complete and total coward and I can't express how happy I am to finally acknowledge this, because now I can take action and I know this will change my whole life, absolutely incredible man!

I've fallen into this trap. It's awful. I'll never do it again. I'm also a very good communicator. My message was twisted and turned and thrown back at me. Eventually she recorded my emotional breakdown and used it against me. It's tragic.

“Express anger, collapse internally, leave.” I went through all this and the ‘collapse internally’ phase literally almost killed me. After I separated it became clear she consciously knew all along what she was doing with her behavior. It wasn’t subconscious at all. It was how she had learned to manipulate people including the intentional emotional abuse. Her repeatedly pretending she didn’t understand was just gaslighting, compounding my sense of wtf is going on. Men, brothers, if you are experiencing this from a woman, leave, get out, walk away, the sooner the better. Set a firm boundary on what is acceptable and if that boundary is not respected, leave. Seek help from other men and professionals to make the tough transition. Despite the amazing experiences I’ve had on my road to recovery, which will last a lifetime, I will always wonder about the life I would have had if I had had this much-needed advice then,.

Inadvertently, this video helped me digest the idea that: if it is painfully difficult to be heard (let alone begin problem solving), then I can simply leave and shortcut all the anguish. I've spent too much time on self development to entertain this form of toxicity. Someone better deserves me, or I deserve the peace of being alone.

I’ve seen fellas ask nicely for years, even decades, for small simple respects.

This is the main reason why I'm 42, no kids, never been married and currently single. I dealt with this exact same thing in almost EVERY SINGLE relationship. They will push you until you break. Once you break Your aggressive tone that SHE has pushed you too becomes the core problem now. There is no way around it but to walk away and move on.

Imagine paying and investing resources in women that are training you to be angry and to leave you after 3 years of marriage with half of your stuff.

Unpopular opinion: men NEED anger. We need to feel it, we need to understand it, we need to HARNESS anger. Most of male motivation originates in anger, not wild, reckless, undisciplined anger, but cold, calculated, white-hot burning slow-rage that drives you to the gym when that's the LAST place you want to go. That cold, white-hot rage that pushes you to finish that project you've been putting off for 2 weeks. Let it burn icy hot BUT contain it, harness it, and channel it. You must know what your anger is as a man, how to focus it, how to harness it, how to call on it, how to stoke it up when you need it, how to slow it down when you need that. Otherwise you become a pushover and your shadow is out of your control, and WILL take over at the worst possible time. sometimes this guy is spot on, sometimes he's far too new-age "anger is always bad"... which in my estimation is a fatal flaw. Anger is human, period. Learn to harness it to have it at your command or it will command you.

The only problem I have with this video is that it speaks to WOMEN on how to improve, and women by default cannot understand or be reasoned with. The focus on the video should therefore help MEN to take the correct steps when faced with it. Which you indeed pointed out, but more like a side note than the main focus.

I married in 1989. Once the kids arrived my wife was toxic and abusive. This got to the point i lost my temper in april 2002. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. Calmed down. Had a shower. And when i came out i announced to my wife i would divorce her. I was not going to do 20 years in jail because of her. They are all the same fellas.

This is why it is of paramount importance to develop the ability to walk away at any time.

And then one day, you finally reach the point where you realize you not only cannot fix them, but you genuinely do not care anymore, and you move on with your life of cultivating self-knowledge and wisdom with the goal of supreme peace. And that is the first day of your transcendent freedom.

Amazingly correct and true in every sense! Thank you! 8 years is more than enough, and all because children were in the equation... But at some point you have to draw the line and save yourself and whatever is left of yourself.

In my own experience women either like to see you angry and aggressive because they find that version of you attractive or they are sh*t testing you and want to find out just how much patience you have. Regardless of their reasons for being difficult it is extremely unattractive and physically taxing to be in a relationship with someone aggravating…

The only thing some women understand is silence. Take your attention away is the only way to get your point across. You do this early not later in a relationship.

This one hits home man. Keep up the great work.

Mind officially blown. Beautifully articulated.

I think this video just gave me closure to a 40 year relationship that ended last year. She would not stop reckless spending no mater how many times I asked her to. I shut down inside. Lost my self esteem. Became resentful and she left me for someone else. Now I know that I'm not the one to blame for everything. Thank you.

100% true. Problem is, 80% of women behave this way. If you don’t see it during the dating phase, you will during marriage. If you don’t see it in marriage without kids, you’ll see it in marriage with kids. For some bizarre reason, deep down, they want to make you angry. You’ll try communicating with them like a mature adult and they just can’t handle it. Eventually, they may even get violent with you and bait you into being violent with them. Way, way, way too many women behave this way.

Thank you for helping me realize what happened to my sense of self during my last relationship. I refused to get loud and aggressive and refused to leave the relationship so I failed to be the person I once respected. Resulting in severe episodes of depression with seemingly no explanation until now.

Finally, someone says what I've been feeling.

My last ex would be a total juggernaut whenever we disagreed on anything. She would raise her voice short of screaming immediately, resort to a bunch of logical fallacies and would never listen to or accept my side. She was after total dominance. After several bouts of this kind I finally gave up trying to reason with her or compromise. I did not resort to anger as it is not my style and started stonewalling her instead. At that point the relationship was dead. During one of her rants she told me something that echoes to this day: "Whenever you disagree with me on something I feel wronged and mistreated". I wonder how many women feel like that when they don't get their way.

A perfect description of male versus female relationships. In my experience many females completely dismiss anything which a man says about anything.

You know what this little anecdote reminds me about? Little children. That’s exactly how the relationship with kids go. The child is misbehaving, the parent will at first try to fix that by communicating in a gentle way what the child should stop doing, more often than not, the won’t listen. So, either two can things happens, 1) the parent snaps with anger at the kid or 2)the parents stop asking it for it nicely, and changes into a more commanding tone. Now of course, this is a natural process. But having to deal with such inmaturity from an adult? Thing is, a lot of grown ups are still little children inside, they weren’t taught correctly, or never learned how to respond properly to things. Second of all, in this days, even being commanding to a women won’t work, because in this age that will be called toxic masculine behaviour. So either asking nicely don’t work, asking commandingly won’t work, only anger works. Incredibly toxic.

So true. Real talk. Thanks for clearing up lots of questions.

So, if a wife doesn't listen, the husband can either a) become a shell of his former self, b) get divorced with abuse charges and lose most of his stuff, c) divorce her and only lose half of his stuff. I can see why so many men choose A.

What you're describing is my relationship with my mom. Only difference is that she just gets defensive and acts like I'm in the wrong rather than just rationalizing whatever I get loud. That's exactly why I never see her more than twice a year, and now we usually fight constantly whenever I see her. She acts like I'm coming out of nowhere when it happens too, but I refuse to be disrespected anymore. Avoid, and stay away from these types of women. If they're family, keep them at a distance.

I appreciate your level headed analysis of relationship issues between men and women. What you have said is spot on. Thank you. I forwarded this.

So True . Right on the point. Nailed it. God Bless You and Your Family

I can count on my right hand how many times I would yell at my ex wife in a week! At first, I told her what I wanted/needed, and she wouldn’t comply. Eventually, I had enough. After four marriage counselors, I filed and went through with the divorce. I can tell you one thing I learned. I will not waste negative emotions on a woman again. Also, I won’t yell. I’ll tell her what I want/need, and if she doesn’t comply, the next thing I will tell her is, “I don’t control you. You are a big girl. What I need you to do is leave. Bye.” This video is exactly what happened in my marriage. Great video. And yes, my ex is now alone. Good luck.

And once they achieve the angry outburst - it provides the "justification" to withdraw, withhold and complain about her "safe space", etc.. When they do this after so many years and saddled with children and responsibilities, it traps you in a spiral of unhappiness and frustration.

Very well said sir! So articulate and thoughtful. Carry on good fellow 🔥🤙🏽

And thus the importance of pre qualification before gratification. Speaking from painful experience. Good channel and topics !

I had the opposite problem. She would get very angry over boundaries, didn't like being told what to do, in any way shape or form. Would resort to agressive outbursts. I tolerated it for a while, till I realised I was getting frustrated and angry myself.. This was my cue to get the hell out of the relationship.

in my experience, women also do this in the talking phase as well. Most talking phases are just women playing games and doing emotional manipulation to test boundaries. I am personally confused on how so many women are able to win over men. It is hard walking away but this behavior is evident in the modern woman. So women are even nice and polite but the undertones are there.

Thanks for sharing. Had a similar example and when I found myself near a nervous breakdown and angry all the time, I left. Then I was the bad guy for ‘leaving’ 🙄🤷🏼‍♂️ There is no accountability for the way women ignore men and i hated feeling like I have to scream to be heard. Terrible feeling.

Thank you so much for this video. You've literally told the story of every serious relationship I've ever had. After watching this video, I feel like I understand what happened. You have helped me so very much today! I can't say thank you enough.

10 years doing meditation and being a meditation teacher for high achievers. My ex was a normal woman but she always had this thing were she wanted to make me mad or angry. I told her that that was hard because it is a thing of stimulus vs reaction and we as meditators learn how to separate the two of them. She tried one time driving back home drunk: It didn't work. She tried hosting a party with his girl friends were two of our furniture were set on fire (I'm not lying): It didn't work. She tried hitting me once really hard and I (being also a BJJ purple belt) just control her in the ground until she calmed down. Shit escalated to the point that she cheated and for the first time I was mad and I left. She told me that she did it because I never showed her that I cared and that being with me was too "peaceful" but now that she saw she could make me mad she wanted to be with me. I left immediately. I still think that somewhere inside of her she's more happy that she "broke" the meditator rather than regretting that she lost a 2 year relationship over some BS.

I’ve dealt with borderlines like this. I ask them a simple question and they say something off topic then say “Why are you giving me a hard time?”… then proceed to gaslight more. Stay away from girls like this men, they are my name.

Excellent video mate. Only facts were covered here. I immediately liked and subscribed. Thankyou.

Very interesting, as a woman I have been in the exact position. It is confusing when you calmly speak to guy and he says he agrees, he is on board but never follows through. Some men and women are great responders, some suck at it. This is not just a female issue, it a lousy partner issue and it can fall on both sexes.

Another excellent episode. A man’s true power in a relationship is really just his ability to leave. When he surrenders that power, he loses himself, and the woman.

Wow, that hit close to home. One of those videos where it almost felt like every single word was written specifically for me, and my relationship with my ex wife. And it’s vindicating and reassuring to have somebody describe our situation in uncanny detail, and suggest that it’s more of a universal situation than I had thought, and articulate the frustration I felt, and the reasons for this frustration. There was no way I was going to explode in anger, as that’s not my style, so I did have that very decision - become a shell of a man, feeling undermined, undervalued and disrespected , through and through, or leave. And it broke me to leave, because I loved this woman and our life deeply, and it still hurts now, but I’m not sure where I’d be now if I’d stayed - nowhere healthy, I know that much.

My ex's favorite tactic with me was anytime that I brought anything up that was critical or even analytical of her behavior towards me, however I delivered it, it was always stopped dead in its tracks and accompanied with her accusation of me yelling and then the discussion would stick to that topic instead of the topics that I wanted to bring up... This almost happened every single time...

Wow, so true. You explain everything and anything. Thank you.

Had an ex who ONLY paid attention when I got angry. After a while I found that I was angry all the time. Had to end things because I didn't like who I became with her.

I went to a lecture by a female dating coach once, she said women often try to provoke men's anger because they want to see our strength. I've been applying this as a strategy for years,- doing something to show strength instead of getting angry, and it's worked really well most of the time.

Leaving gets difficult in a joint family arrangement. Thanks for the video! You make a lot of sense.

Wow! Eyes started to roll and leave but, the core message landed! And not just with one woman, but could be a committee of women with one male. Thank you for the insight!

Haha, Does this fit with your own experience? Absolutely! It's now 6 years since I split with my 30 year long partner, what you are talking about in this episode is exactly the point we got to. This channel feels like a documentary on the last 5 years of that relationship, its quality observations and advice came along too late for me, but it has really helped with my understanding of 'what the hell went on' 5 star channel

I divorced my first wife because of her temper and always pushing me to anger. I confronted her about it and she finally admitted that all she wanted was to fight. I told that's not what I wanted and I found someone else and she's just as bad.

Frank wasn't joking when he crooned the backhanded lyrics "I've got you... under my skin." Rise above it brothers, don't get sucked into yelling.

Thank you, I have been making this point for twenty years, you validated me! Not in terms of rising my voice, but how an unsustainable relationship is manufactured from day one!

I’ve always felt very guilty leaving her. But this video makes me confident that I did the right thing.

They „make“ men to perpetrators in order to be victims. And they meanwhile love the highly emotional path. Women are in good, safe times hard to handle. If she doesn’t get it, she doesn’t love you. So, leave early, without ending up as a perpetrator

Wow, I needed to see this... thank you.

Another great video, Sir! Thank you! I really appreciate the logic you apply. Lookin forward to more content.

This happend to me recently, the worst was being pulled out of me, I began to collapse and feel like a shell. Ultimately I had to survive so my option was to leave.

I had never yelled at a partner until my ex. Then suddenly I was yelling constantly. Nothing was ever good enough and no amount of me trying to figure it out got anywhere. Her needs were never met but she couldn't ever tell me what her needs were. She sure could tell me about how much I upset her though. I left when she made it clear it wouldn't get better. New relationship and I still haven't yelled. Never even got close. But this one actually talks about her problems and seeks resolution rather than constantly telling me I'm screwing up.

Thanks! I watch a lot of your videos and I appreciate your deep insight.

Making you angry is a form of control. Little children do it too, it is one of the very few ways they have to assert some semblance over control of people who are otherwise hierarchically above them. It is a button to push.

In my relationships over the years, I have had to point out numerous times that the anger she just saw me express was not where the conversation started, but was rather the result of a series of increasingly desperate attempts for me to be understood and/or respected. Unfortunately women often latch onto anger like it was the *first* place I went in a long conversation, and it simply never is.

A woman rectifying her own problematic behavior...😂😂 Most are only interested in changing what she thinks is HIS problematic behavior.

Thank you. I needed this.

Absolutely fantastic breakdown - thank you for this.

Every single word doc utters in this video is pure gold. ✨️👌🏼 I'll add the following: Men who are unaware of the mind games being played, and rather than choosing the paths doc mentioned, they instead choose a destructive path that escalates to violence, puts the man who was initially a victim, in the role of the aggressor. Fellas: Unawareness and weakness are our worst enemy when dealing with these types of women. Beware! 💯

True, some women only listen when shouted at. My mother is like that, she does it to my dads and me. I’m a grown men and there is simply no way to get to that woman.

Wow! Thanks for this. First video of yours that I've watched. Liked and subscribed.

Now i undertand why i don't talk to my sister and my mother. Insaid me I thought i was the problem.

Women want your anger at some level because it shows them that you are emotionally invested, and, more importantly, they have control over that part of you !

It's been my observation (and I'm no psychologist, I'm just a guy with a few engineering and physics degrees who's done a lot of living) that the more insecure a woman is about herself personally, the more insecure she tends to be in her relationships. And that makes her terrified of abandonment. As a matter of evolutionary biology, I suspect this is because women are more physically vulnerable, particularly during pregnancy, and abandonment has more immediate fatal consequences. Women therefore (more than men) depend on having the assurance that there's enough emotional connection to a partner to keep him attached. Provoking a man and not having him get angry says that he's behaving rationally, which isn't what they want. A rational man could say, "This relationship is full of red flags, and I'm outta here." But if he responds in anger, the emotion reflects his frustration with being trapped. And an insecure woman wants him trapped. It's a control thing. Like the good doctor, I have a very long fuse. I didn't always, but a few years under the tutelage of an elderly Chinese gentleman who lived most of his own life in a Shaolin temple changed all that. So I am now very low in volatility. And I can't tell you how hard some women work to make me angry just to see if I'm committed somehow. Ironically, women who do this are the first ones I leave, since although I'm charitable, I'm not inclined to disturb my own peace to be with someone with that many control issues. I'm a good engineer. I don't get paid nearly enough to be somebody's psychotherapist, nor would I want the job. I leave that work to the pros.

You have just the most logical answer to the most perplexing issue I have ever encountered in my life. Thank you and god bless your gifted t mind.