It's a scary feeling. When you watch someone (or a pet) passing, and you feel yourself distancing without trying to. It hurts to watch them suffering, but you don't actually "feel" it until they're really gone. Instead, there is this sinking, suffocating feeling that's so unbearable that in the back of your mind you think, "maybe it'd be better if they just go now" and then comes the guilt whether mental or emotional. "I shouldn't think that way." "that's terrible of me." or even, "Maybe if I wait long enough they'll get better." and there is this big chasm between yourself, and someone who you were so close to. You slowly begin to not recognize them. Like they're different somehow than the one you knew. And then, after that mental roller-coaster, for who knows how long - they're just gone. Either you feel everything. Or nothing, maybe because your brain knows you can't afford to. Afterwards, there's these thought like, "If I didn't make them suffer and put them down." or "I should have been there with them more." Regret after regret after regret. The idea that you could do this exact thing again, go through all this, and make the same mistake becomes this festering thing at the back of your mind. On top of the worry you'll not be able to handle it the next time (even though you probably will). I feel like this feeling is important, as weird as that sounds. Regrets like this will hopefully remind me to cherish the final moments next time. I miss the times my Kitty and I spent together all the time, but I'm relieved she's not suffering and having to put up with my guilt-ridden cold shoulder anymore.
